Chris

This is to convince our friend Becky that she should make comments on my blog. This is my public statement of discontent. Now, Becky, you have no excuse.

This blog is going to be a list. A list of questions that all you readers (ALL of you readers) are meant to read. You must pick one and respond to it in at least 3 words. Everyone who does will be put into a drawing to pick the subject for my next blog. Also, I have not forgotten the ice cream sandwiches, soap, cd, paint drawing, or limerick. Patience is a virtue that we on www.grandmasterchris.blogspot.com value highly.

Question 1) What was your favorite toy as a kid and what was a toy that you always wanted?

Question 2) If I had a piece of pumpkin pie crust in my teeth at a party, would you tell me it was there? What if we were in the middle of a conversation? What if it was someone that you didn't know?

Question 3) Don't you think Miss Manners has the best advice ever?

Question 4) If you inherited $10 million from a stranger, what cool thing would you buy? Would you work, and if so, what job would you do?

Question 4.5) If you didn't have to ever worry about money, what would you do all day to keep yourself busy (job/play/projects)?

Question 5) Tell me a bit about your favorite scar, won't you?

That's it. The winner will get to pick a subject for any blogpost they would like, and any extras in it (song/dance/talent show/Anna getting puked on by Soapy again). I don't even have to know you. If you found this blog by pressing "Next Blog" up at the top, that's cool. You can still win. Also, Becky will get a certificate of achievement if she will comment. What a deal!

There have been two times in my life that I have almost died. I am sure there are tons more where I narrowly escaped horrible injury and pain , but I can only think of two instances where I was inches/minutes away from certain death.

The first was in 2000 when I was flying to the States all on my own. I had just flown from Berlin to Frankfurt and I had some time to kill there. I met my Bishop in the airport and he let me go into the red carpet lounge with him and we ate the free fruit and cookies they had there. My plane arrived and I went to go check in and everything, but when I got to the counter, they handed me a bunch of extra papers and took my passport for more screening. I was intrigued because this had never happened before, so I asked why I had to fill out so many forms. The guy behind the counter told me that one of the passengers just in front of me had been pulled out and arrested because he was carrying a bomb. A bomb! Luckily they found it and pulled him out. I still think about it. I wish I could have seen him get arrested or have been sitting next to him on the plane before it took off or something. Then it would be cooler. But I still was pretty close to being pulverized.

The second story is all my fault. I was a counselor at Scout Camp the year I turned 18. I taught archery at the far end of the camp property, and very few supervisors walked by there because it was about a mile away from anything else other than the rifle range (even though we only had BB guns). Classes had finished one day and I was unstringing bows and putting them away. I often had extra time before lunch so I would go and shoot for about a half hour, and that day, I decided to shoot for a while after I cleaned up all the other equpiment. I shot and then got bored and decided to do trick shots. This, of course, was where I started making bad choices. I shot at angles and with my left hand and with my eyes closed, but then I started wondering how high I could shoot. I was using the heaviest bow we had a camp which I think had a 35 pound draw, which isn't really powerful but it was a recurve. I walked out into the range and shot straight up and watched it for a few seconds, and then I realized that I needed to get out of the way, so i ran under the canvas tent that was set up for the classes and waited. It was then that I heard whistling and saw my supervisor walking up the path towards me. I panicked and realized I needed to look natural, so I put down the bow and thought that if I walked out the the targets, it would look like I wasn't doign anything stupid. Right when I take a step out from under the tarp though, I heard a quiet fwisssh and a splat and I looked down while I kept walking. The arrow had buried itself by my left foot in the mud after missing my shoulder by 7 inches. If I was half a step over, it would have gone right through my heart into my intestines. That would have been ugly and unfortunate. I was shaken up for about 10 minutes but I don't know that I really learned a lesson. I mean, I did in as much as I know logically that I shouldn't do things like that, but I don't think you really change or learn a lesson until something has been taken from you.

Which really stinks for me.

I decided to forgive myself and not worry about making up the post I missed. Mostly because it means I don't have to think of another topic to write about. It is laziness that keeps me loving myself.
We took Lisa up to East Campus of the University of Nebraska where the law school, dental school, and dairy are. I showed off the newspaper stands and my locker and then we went to get some ice cream. Rather Anna and Lisa got ice cream and I scoffed and got hot chocolate. It was cold, why would you want to eat ice cream? Soapy was being good (but she is still kind of creepy and zombie like since she got her shots on Wednesday. Probably its Solanum.)
But as we were leaving, we passed by some nice firs in the arboretum. Lisa noticed a small sign zip-tied to a branch and we looked at it.
It had a little robo-pooch in the corner and text that said

"This tree has been sprayed with rotten eggs and synthetic fox urine. It will release a foul smell if it is taken into a warm house."

A few things ran through my mind: Why does it not stink now? Why did they spray it? Did they wait for eggs to get rotten before they mixed it with the fake-o fox urine? How do you spray that?
I suppose they have had problems with people stealing trees for christmas? What does the university do once spring rolls around? Can you really wash off rotten eggs and fox urine? Did the sprayers object to handling the stuff? I kind of want to steal a branch off of the bottom and take it into a warm house to see if it really stinks. Why doesn't it stink in the cold either? Maybe they use high tech science or something.
cool cool.

I would also like to add that the pumpkin pie turned out great. The crust wasn't doing so hot (I'll have to get you to teach me how to make a nice crust, Katie), so we ended up with more of a pumpkin torte with a crust base than a pie, but it was nicely stirred and chilled. Also, we are enjoying the turkey bits that we gleaned from the carcass.

I forgot to post yesterday. my nablopomo is destroyed!
but what I would have written is that I found ten dollars on the street. I really did. It was the best thing I have found since the quarter i found by a trash can the day before.
We spent it on two sandwiches from Jimmy Johns.

I also would have told you that sometimes I forget we live in the twenty-first century. I was at a grocery store and I couldn't see any bananas for the thanksgiving banana cream pie. I was looking and looking, and I realized, "wait... bananas don't grow in the fall. man..." I decided to give it one last shot and ask the produce guy (stacking pears) if there was any chance that there are bananas around. I considered asking him if any other stores had bananas at this time of the year, but I didn't because I didn't feel like asking him abouit the other stores (that has always been weird for me. I am sure they don't even care, but it is hard for me.) So I said
"I don't suppose you have any banana now, huh?"
He gave me a weird look at pointed to the huge pile of bananas that I had missed somehow. And thats when I remembered we live in America and capitalism means we have bananas all year round. For a few seconds i was genuinely astounded. How embarrasing.

Speaking of pears, did you know the california state flag is the result of a typo? It was supposed to be a pear.

Well, I hope this can sort of make up for that part of all of you that died because of my neglect. I'll do today's report later tonight.

-Chris

Part I: If I could have lunch with anyone that I do not know now, I think I would pick Charlie Chaplin. I haven't ever seen any of his movies, but I think I saw a youtube clip once and it was kind of funny. I think he would be a nice guy and probably a good conversationalist. I would like him to show me how to walk funny and then I would introduce him to the 21st century. I was going to pick Alexander the Great, but frankly, I can't imagine him being very good company. He would probably not like Nebraska. Maybe he would, but I doubt it. I'll bet Rudyard Kipling would be a great guy. Actually, let's do this: you have to pick three people that you would invite over for a game night. I would pick Rudyard Kipling, Charlie Chaplin, and Kant. I don't remember if his first name is Emmanuel or Immanuel. Immanual? Immanual labor? Ha ha. One of my professors told me that I./E. Kant would never discuss philosophy outside of the university and that he was a very polite and nice guy and fun to have at holiday parties. Perfect! Actually I want to invite 4 people over so I can invite Judy Blume. Or 5 so that Alberto V. Einstein could come. That would be the cool table. I would probably have to sit at the end by the kitchen and have to get cloths to clean up spills though. My life is always rough.

Part II: Jan 27 1984 is my birthday. I share the birthday with Mozart and Lewis Carrol. Also, the girl who sat next to me in one of my jobs at BYU was born on the exact same day as me, but in Mauritius. One of my favorite things about my birthday is that on January 27, 1984, Michael Jackson's head caught on fire. I have never been able to find out when exactly it happened, but I like to think that it is at the same moment that I came into the world. I come in, his hair goes out. I was born at noon. If his hair caught on fire at 10 am (which isn't so unlikely considering he was shooting a Pepsi commercial when it happened), then I would be convinced. That is just how intense I am. The King of Pop burns in my presence. He is just lucky he wasn't in Opelika.

Part III: I like cutting boards. I want one of those big two inch thick ones where the end grain faces you and it is impossible to move because it weighs, like, 30 pounds. Lisa gave us a Williams and Sonoma catalog over the summer and it was pretty cool to look at. I would like to get a nice knife set once I get a job. I would also like to buy lots of olive oil and poptarts and never run out of either ever again. I hate buying olive oil because I know how much I could be paying if I was somehow on the other side of the world. It is like paying $4 for a can of rootbeer when you are outside the U.S. You just feel like a fool. Whatever. An entire blog with no mention of bicycles.

The End

(everyone but Katie, ollscray ownday orfay oremay)



























Cool. So I lied about it being the end.
I went out to a used parts bike shop and got myself outfitted for this new bike. I fitted it with cranks and pedals, shortened and aligned the chain, and got the seat in all nice. It turns out I got the wrong size stem though. It is the part that attaches the handlebars to the frame. It is like a millimeter too large, so I am going back tomorrow morning to get a smaller one. But it'll be all ready to ride tomorrow. Anna is excited because this frame is smaller than mine, so she will be able to ride it very comfortably. I think she'll like it a lot more than the DweebCruiser6300. I think I am going to get knobby tires and mess around with the gears of the 6300 to turn it into a sweet single speed mountain bike. There are some good trails around here and I think I am ready to try the whole mountain thing. I'll let you know how it goes.
Oh yeah. This morning when I got to school, the black abandonded Trek wasn't there. Some reader of my blog has betrayed me and alerted the Lincoln mafia that there was a nice rusted frame to be had. My own audience.

I trusted you, readers.

I would have loved you, bike.

So Anna and I went to the library so that she could pick up the book she put on reserve (Hunger Games, the one that Bridget reviewed here) and so that I could get some more books/movies. Anna and I have been wanting to start our own little family-simultaneous-literary-society-sessions (not a bookclub, mind you), and this one sounded cool to both of us. It is kind of like one of those cross-genre books, like Cormac McCarthy's stuff. His books are great and make me want to go ride a horse into Mexico. Maybe looking for a wolf. Or to get thrown into and escape from a filthy prison where I have to stab a man to save my own life. You should check them out Nathan. They are pretty sweet. He writes apocalyptic cowboy tragedies.
But at the library tonight I got some cool looking spy books and some documentaries. I'll let you know how they are. Probably not though.
Anyways, before we got to the car, the missionaries came back from tracting or whatever they do all day (we live right across the hall from the missionaries) and Elder H. says to me, he says:
"Hey Brother Lewis, do you want a bike?"
"Yes," I say, not believing my sweet luck.
It turns out some missionary left and didn't want to take his bike. It is an old steel frame Schwinn racing bike. It doesn't have a stem in front, so the handlebars are dangling by the brake cables, and there are no cranks or pedals, and no chainring, seat post or a seat, but those are not expensive and not hard to come by. What a sweet deal! I want to turn it into a nice singlespeed (freewheel, so you can coast like normal) with nice fenders and maybe a rear rack. Also, maybe I will get cool handlebars and get it looking so awesome.
I am very excited to get cracking on it. Considering tomorrow is my last day of classes this week, I got it just in time too. Lisa, I am sure you will be underwhelmed by it, but pretend to think it is super awesome when you see it.

I also wanted to bring up Bryan's blog today, found here.
I was thinking about it at school and I decided that it would be best to save the five people at the expense of the two rather than to let fate run its own course. Especially if the train was full. If it didn't have any people in it, maybe you could flip the switch only halfway so that the wheels hit both intersecting rails at the same time and it would derail the traincar over the tracks and not hit anyone. Well, according to the picture, it might hit that one fellow's head and sever the foot of the other. But I feel it is the best choice.
As far as the second scenario, I said that I thought it would be unethical to throw one bystander in front of the train to save either group tied down. I still think so, but I am having a hard time formulating a clear explanation for why. It has to do with involving someone who isn't already a victim. Creating a victim for the benefit of another stranger doesn't seem like it could really be ethical.

It would be like if there was a pipebomb in a theater showing previews of The Unborn that was going to kill 7 people, unless you hid it in someone's popcorn when they walked past and it would kill only them. Actually that is a dumb analogy. I still think the principle applies, but that one is just too weird.
Let's use the original scenario. A train is going to kill either 5 people on a track or 2 on the alternate track and you are at the switch, and you have that same bystander big enough that if you push him onto the tracks, it will kill him but stop the train. The bystander is not a part of the original peril, and so he should not be a part of the solution. It doesn't matter that you could save two people at the expense of one if the one shouldn't be a part of the situation. The people put at risk are already there and those are the only ones that should be dealt with. As the situation stands now, all of the evil is on the head of the mustachioed villain. If you take matters into your own hands and throw someone totally uninvolved onto the tracks, then I think that you have shouldered some of the responsibility for the evil too. Unless you threw yourself on the tracks. That seems ok ethically. I guess you would have to be pretty beefy though. I don't think you would be obligated to though. Maybe that's it! Neither you nor the other bulky bystander have any obligation to do anything, so to demand that Chubbs play a part (by nudging him to his doom) is unethical and evil.
It is like if there was a disease that was killing 50 people and you knew your friend's brain had the right kind of cells to cure them all. It is wrong to kill him and use his brain to cure the 50 other people, even if they were infected by an evil mustachioed villain, because he is not responsible for the lives of the others. If it were otherwise, life would be creepy like Fahrenheit 451 or 1984 or Logan's Run (worst movie ever).

That is why I defy you and your ethics, brother!
Bah!

Anna showed me this cool website that has pages and pages of cool things. I have a few favorites that I will share now.
1) A stuffed roadkill rabbit. It is funny to me to imagine someone sewing and stuffing plush rabbit guts. It isn't very cuddly though, and I cannot imagine any place in the home where it would not be offensive. I guess that is what blogs are for then.

2) A hot tub with a tv and dvd player. Really, what more could you ask for? I could spend hours in there. This is the caption that went with the picture:
For $ 29,000 get a bath tube with waterproof surround speakers, DVD player, CD, AM, FM, a 42″ HD display and off course, the remote control floats.

3) This thing is called the AquaSkipper. This is the best invention ever. You could do anything if you had one of these. I would feel invincible, no joke.

The AquaSkipper in action:



That is the end of my blog about great new products. I would also like to mention that I have been thinking about the moon landing recently. I even mentioned this in my lesson today. It is one of those things that everyone knows about, but it still blows my mind away when I really think about it. It is in outer space! People have walked on it! Played golf! The MOON! Man... people are pretty awesome. In my mind, the coolest things our world has to offer are doctors and astronauts.
Neither has ever been a career aspiration though.
When I was younger (and older) I wanted to be a carpenter, race-car driver, diplomat, teacher, and detective, but never a doctor or astronaut. Well, maybe an astronaut. What about you? What do you think the coolest/most respectable/funnest jobs are, and what do you want to do in some years from now?
I still have plans to open up a dessert cafe/bike shop/private investigation clinic or whatever. It will be the coolest place ever. When Anna and I would go to IKEA in Utah, I would always plan out how it would look.

It's 12:41 right now (whenever I post a blog, it never shows the right time). I forgot to post a blog on Saturday. AAAAGHAGAGHHHH!
Man, I worked so hard today though. Kind of.
I woke up at 11 and then worked out for an hour and then ate some breakfast and then ate lunch. Then I edited my paper for a while and I went up to campus to do homework. I go there at about 2 and I came home at 10. I read over my revised paper again with Anna, rode to Kinkos to print more copies and photocopy the Ensign because I am teaching elder's quorum tomorrow. Now it is 12:45 and I just finished dinner and it's time to get cracking on my lesson. Both Anna and I teach every fourth sunday, so we'll have to sucker someone into holding Sophie during the last hour of church. That is always when she is the worst too.
Soaps is a great excuse to go on a walk if church is boring.

Man, I just have to say that riding my bike in cold weather is the best. You don't get sweaty and no one else is out so it is super quiet and you have the whole bike lane to yourself. I forgot gloves on Friday and it was so cold that morning that my fingers hurt for the rest of the day. In fact, they are still a tad tender. I have tiny blisters on my fingertips. It will probably be the last time I ever forget to wear gloves ever again.

I have a good time thinking about what bike I am going to get once I get a real job. Seriously, I have plans in my head about when exactly I can justify buying another bike. I think once I get a secure job offer is when I'll go out. The bike I am going to get changes every week.

This week is the Kona Zing, a fine racing bike:
While last week it was the Kona Jake the Snake (remember Jake the Snake? I never watched wrestling, but my firends in elementary school did and would want us all to pick different characters to act out. I always wanted to be Jake the Snake because the name Jake sounded tough and I liked that he carried around a Boa with him), a nice cyclocross bike:
Cyclocross is a certain type of bike racing. You ride laps around an outdoor trail for hours. There are lots of obstacles and stretches of track where you have to hop off the bike and carry it running. These bikes are a little less aggressive and race specific than the straight up racing bikes. Maybe 85% road bike and 15% mountain bike? I have never ridden one, I really don't know what I am talking about.
About three weeks ago, I was sold on the Surly Cross Check:
This is more of a touring set up than the others, which means you can ride longer more comfortably, but it isn't really decked out to win any races. It has a steel frame, while the other two are aluminum. Steel is heavier, but it absorbs a lot of vibration. Also, when you get down to it, considering I weigh 180 pounds, 3 extra pounds of frame weight isn't going to change a whole lot of responsiveness. My fixed gear is a Surly, and I really like it.

I have also been toying around with the idea of a single speed mountain bike. I haven't done much mountain biking, but I hope to once I can get this frame from school. There is an abandoned frame sitting out in front of the doors, and it has been there for ages. Both tires are flat and the gears are rusting out, but it is a '94 Trek, so the frame is pretty nice. It has a lot of the same parts as the DweebCruiser6300, so I could switch out some parts, tinker with the gearing and get a sweet beater out of it. There is a nice limestone trail about a mile and a half east of our house, and I would love to go ride it and find some trails that drop off.
I actually went and humiliated myself in front of the dean by letting her know that it looked abandoned and that I would be happy to take it. She said she would send out an email to the student body and that I could take it after a week, but she never sent the email. I would feel bad just yoinking it though. I keep worrying that someone else will take it and make my dreams their own.

Do any of my loyal readers/stalkers (haha just kidding new friend Kristen)/silent ghosts (Becky...) have any advice on how to steal a bike that is probably not wanted by anyone but you?

We talked today in property about the Religious Land Use and Institutionalized Persons Act of 2000. It is pretty interesting. It was an act passed to protect churches and religious groups from getting treated unfairly as far as zoning laws, and to protect inmates' religious preferences.
Congress passed RLUIPA (ar-LOO-pa) with a unanimous voice vote in both the House and the Senate and got President Clinton's signature on it all within two days.

It is an interesting act because it says that any government land regulation (zoning laws, landmarking laws, and other land use restrictions) do not apply to religious exercise (church, religious charity, essentially any activity directly or indirectly related to a religious cause) unless (1) the government has a very compelling interest in enforcing that law, and (2) restricting the religious use is the least restrictive way of enforcing that interest. And the burden of proof is all on the government entity. It is really cool to see how the tables turn for religious usage, and there are tons of examples of how this ends up working out.

The reason I brought this up is because we had a few students ask about why secular agencies and persons did not get the same privileges as religious organizations. It seems unfair and slanted, and it is. A city can limit the number of people that are allowed to go to a poker game once a week, but they cannot do the same with a prayer group (other than the fire code regulations that apply everywhere because it is a compelling governmental interest). Our professor explained that it all goes back to the way this country was founded, and that the words "one nation under God" have a specific legal meaning to it.

One nation under God means that God is recognized as a legal higher authority. Any religious exercise trumps the limits of the land. Prisoners get special treatment for religious reasons. Different meals, different clothing, different books, different visitors, etc. Religiously based food kitchens and homeless shelters can open up where it would otherwise be prohibited by state or city zoning laws. Religious daycares can be run where a non-religious daycare is not allowed to exist. "God is the General and Caesar is the Captain" is the analogy my professor used. It has some really interesting ramifications, this RLUIPA business. Also, he talked about how it is great because it is usually Pro Bono work, but that only really means you don't get paid if you don't win. If you do win, then you get attorney's fees under one of RLUIPA's sections. Also, RLUIPA has a section that says essentially "If there are two different ways a decision could fall in a case, it ought to be decided in whichever way enhances religious freedoms more."
How cool is that? A clause that says 'if there is any way we can win, then we win, and you pay me for my Pro Bono work. Suckers...'

Ha!

I also ran across this today and I listened to it while I did my work. I didn't watch it because the sound is about 6 seconds off and it kindof drove me crazy, but Charlie Brown is Charlie Brown, right?

Excited to see you in a few days Lisa. We are trying to plan some sweet excursions into wild Lincoln and beyond.

I was tagged by Bridget for this 6/6 thing. You are supposed to post the sixth picture from your sixth folder on your computer. This was awesome because it meant I had an easy entry for today, but it posed a serious problem because I only have four folders of pictures on my computer. Including the folder of sample pictures that comes with the backgrounds and inspirational flowers. So what I did was count folders inside folders to get to 6 somehow. I tried doubling over the amount of folders, but I ended up on a picture of a dewy forest sanctuary. Lame-o.
So in the end, through my algorithmic wunderwerks, I go to this picture:



This was May 20 of this year, our second anniversary. The baby was due in early July. We went hiking up to Bridal Veil Falls and Anna was being a hero. We had a paper grocery bag filled with my famous 18 hour spare ribs. We wanted to find a place up by the falls to eat, but there were too many awkward adolescents flirting with each other from opposite sides of the walls. Luckily, they didn't make a showing in this photo. It was a pretty good day, but it was a lot of walking.
I had a lot of fun looking at old pictures, so I will post a few more that I like.




Here is me and the Guppers watching Poirot. She was more interested in the lights on the camera.




I had the sweetest job my last two semesters at BYU. I was the TA for the EMS unit on campus and part of the job required me to organize two Mass Casualty Incidents each semester for the class to practice different skills. My last semester, we got the theater and make-up people for BYUs productions to get us all decked out in horrible looking injuries. The scenario involved a gun fight, a few bombs, and lots of shattered limbs in the Morris Center. Needless to say, it was the best work day ever. I was standing in front of the mail boxes when a pipe bomb went off, so i have glass shards in my face and chest.



HA! This is how Laura and Anna greeted Matt and I after we came back from classes one day in Jordan. Mustaches and fine literature. (Sorry for this Laura...if you are even reading this. Collateral damage, you know?)




This picture is pretty cool. I like how you can see all the mothers lining up along the fence to see their Bar Mitzvahs (Bars Mitzvah?) reading and all that. A lot of the women were throwing candy the whole time, but I don't know if you can see any of them doing it in this picture. Mazal tov!




I like this picture. It looks like one of those old school National geographic pictures. Old school in the sense that it wasn't taken very well. They had bad cameras, this camera had a bad holder/button pusher. I wonder what the kid on land is holding. Also, I like the ninja anchor on the bow of their boat.

And now for Bryan's funny line reference:
Remember that one time I hid in your sheets with your BB gun, snorkel mask, and gameboy camera and I told you I wouldn't stop punching you until I took a picture of real tears? Ha ha. I was such a jerk.
Remember that other time I stole your tithing jar and I ran down the steps while you were trying to shoot me with your BB gun and you shot me in the ankle while I was jumping off the last stair and I fell in front of Mom and Dad's room and you stood over me with your gun pointed at my head and then Mom came out of her bedroom right then and made me give you your tithing back and confiscated your BB gun? Ha ha.
There you go.

It is our first ever prize day!
But first, a short post about a great man who I was reminded of today.

In Memoriam H.A.H

A short blog post about Hume Alexander Horan, who I remembered while reading one of Jeremy's old blog posts. The third one down entitled Arabic- The language of peace. I read about Hume Horan when I borrowed his copy of The Arabists (a great book; it reads smooth like a trashy novel, but it educates like NOVA). I cannot recommend it highly enough.
Hume Horan was an American diplomat and Ambassador and a legend in the State Department. He is regarded as the greatest Arabic speaker the state department has ever had. He was removed from Saudi Arabia for making the King nervous. He would literally scare Arab leaders who didn't quite know how to deal with a westerner that spoke so well. I read the referenced blog today while I was working on my dumb memo that is due on Monday and it made me wish I was studying Arabic again.
Anyways, that's as far as my memorial service is going to go. I am pretty sure that you would all really like the book. Also, you should learn a new language. It's a good goal. It is nice to feel a little out of place all the time. I think it is healthy for the psyche and improves social skills.

Now on to our games.

First, the prizes:
1) A nice Israel/Palestine dual flag lapel pin











2) "Amazing Grace; A Real Highland Fling" CD of Scottish bagpipe music













3) One (1) bar of Irish Spring Original Scent Deodorant Soap







4) A drawing of you doing a favorite activity in MS Paint

5) A Limerick involving your name

6) A funny line referencing you in my next blog

7) Nothing

And now our winners
The winner of the Israel/Palestine very nice lapel pin is: LISA!!!! (The pin doesn't have that writing underneath, but it is still pretty cool)

The winner of the Amazing Grace A Real Highland Fling CD is: NATHAN!!!!

The winner of the Irish Spring Original Scent Deodorant Soap is: ALISON!!!!

The winner of the sweet MS Paint drawing of you and actively involved in a favorite activity of your choice is: ANNA!!!!

The winner of a witty limerick involving your name is: BRIDGET!!!!

The winner of a funny line referencing you in my next blog is: BRYAN!!!!

The winner of nothing is Katie. Sorry Katie. Anna drew the names out of my hat. Better luck next drawing though.

Thank you to all my followers. And also to Alison, Nathan, Bridget, Anna, and Lisa: your ice cream sandwiches are shortly on their way. Thanks for backing me up on the whole armpit thing.
I wonder if that is why I got a 55% female rating. Whatevs.

Here are three happy/not sad stories about things I like/ am interested in.

I like sugar and I am a bit of a snob about it. I turn up my nose at saccharine substitutes and sweeteners. I always give Anna a disapproving look if she tries to save a few nickels by purchasing fake brown sugar. That being said, I always feel a twinge of guilt buying it because of the sugar lobby. They are the most aggressive commercial lobby in the U.S. and are making sweet money off of tax payers. The sugar companies pay big bucks to get loyal members of congress elected. The government consistently passes quotas that push prices in the U.S. up to about 2 to 3 times what the world free market value is. This is also bad for American companies that shut down business instead of paying for higher sugar prices. I think I am going to start buying those cones of sugar in the clear plastic baggies in the Mexican aisles. I haven't ever tried those, and they are probably good. Happiness!

I also like bugs and I spent the better part of an hour looking at pictures of bugs on the internet at this site. It is really cool, and it makes me want to check out a bug/spider identification book from the library. It is a site where people have mailed in pictures they have taken of different bugs, spiders, and flying things. Then entomologists identify them and tell a little bit about each one. Who would have thought that bugs could ever be interesting?

I have to admit that lately I have considered liking Star Trek. I haven't ever watched any of it, and I have never found it interesting until recently. It has always seemed like prime dork material to me. Like it was an excuse to be dorky. Its appeal has been so unfathomable to me for so long that I want to try it out and see what it is like. I have been taking this pretty seriously for at least a week now, and then I saw on the Drudge Report today that someone is remaking a movie of it with some big name actors. I think I'll wait on that and try it out old-school first. I really don't know where to start. I guess I'll google it and see if there are any episodes online.
I feel a bit like a golden investigator. I have heard enough about Star Trek to get myself interested, and I am going into it with no pre-conceived notions. I'll give it a fair shot and see how it goes. I don't know if any of my readers (I speak to the seven of you who are my registered blog followers) are Trekkies (and if you prefer to keep it secret, that's ok, I totally understand as I would mock you if I hadn't just written this blog) but if you are and are willing to make yourself known, do you have any recommendations on how I should start?

Also, if you are reading this blog and you are not a follower, I urge you to become one. I will show my appreciation by sending out christmas cards and holding raffles for sweet stuff. The first one is being held tomorrow for everyone that committed to shaving their armpits in response to last week's post (Lisa, Nathan, and Alison so far). I will officially leave the commitment period open until tomorrow night when I write my next blog, at which point I will have decided on a sweet raffle prize or two and congratulate the winners and participants. Anna? You live with me and I know you shave your armpits. Why don't you commit and enter yourself for a sweet prize and a complimentary ice-cream sandwich? That just leaves Bridget, Bryan, and Katie as my undecided followers. Commitments any of you? Ice cream sandwich? Raffle entry?
[editor's note: the raffle requires the participant to be a registered follower of this blog. A commitment for an ice cream sandwich does not require you to follow the blog. If you prefer not to follow, at least claim and ice cream sandwich. I'm even willing to waive the commitment if you will write a two paragraph essay on the virtues of armpit shaving in your own words.]

So there are my three happy stories. Now I feel like I can share the sad moment of my day.
The GenderAnalyzer. It is a program that reviews a blog and has some artificial intelligence device to determine the gender of the author. Also, it is stupid.

It says that I am 55% woman, but quite gender neutral. Dang it.
How do you all fare?

Probably everyone that reads my blog has heard me tell my three sad stories at some point. I am really proud of them. I am sure Soapy will be sick of them. I wish I had some deep reason to share them, but I really don't. They haven't changed my life, and I haven't learned anything from them. They are just sad. Ridiculously sad. Sad like you want to tell someone else so you can stare at each other and both be sad.
So here we go.


Story #1
The Ballad of Mr. Slade

Mr. Slade (his name might have been Mr. Slate, but I don't really remember. Let's call him Mr. S) was my seventh grade social studies teacher. He was a tall, slender, black man and took all his students seriously. He would talk to us about racial tension in America and tell us that we shouldn't ignore it or pretend that we don't see race; instead we should recognize that there are problems and face them pragmatically. I remember once Mr. S told us a story about a woman who had a very racially diverse class who was asked once in a meeting about how many children she had. She gave the number and then was asked how many latino/white/black students she had.
"Oh, I don't really know. I don't see color," she said, "they are all clear to me."
Mr. S said that this was ridiculous. He said you could blindfold him right then and he could tell you exactly how many latino/white/black students he had in his class.
"Race is important" he taught us.
I left Virginia and Langston Hughes Middle School at the end of that year.
My first year of college, I had a floormate that had gone to the same middle school as I (me? who knows?) He told me about the teachers and we talked about other students for a while, and then he told me about Mr. S.
Mr. S was leaving school one day and passed by a homeless man who asked for some money. Mr. S invited him over to get him some soup and make him some dinner. When they got inside his house, the homeless fellow stabbed Mr. S in the neck, pushed him down his basement stairs and robbed his house. He was at the bottom of his stairs for quite a while before he was found and taken to a hospital. He was in and out of a coma in the ICU for months until he miraculously pulled through and was able to recover and go back to teaching. Six months later, he was diagnosed with cancer and died.


Story #2
The Love Song of A. Elder blue frock? (I couldn't think of anything that sounded right)

Today's Bird

Today's Bird

Anna is sitting right here next to me (mostly because I need the moral support to write a blog today. This blog-a-day thing is getting harder. Especially when I wait until it is night time.)
So, we decided to make lists.

The first list is of small things we like:
Anna: stockings with fun designs
Chris: Doll house furniture and miniature gumball machines
A: Small snakes (from a safe distance)
C: I used to catch garter snakes (garder snakes? garden snakes?) They were really tiny and were cool. Isn't it cool that I used to catch a play with snakes? I am actually really impressed with myself right now...
C: Small pieces of metal. I think there is something very substantial about it.
A: Sand paper. "I wish more craft people would make cards out of it instead of crepe paper... not crepe paper, pretty paper" [Editor's note: this is all verbatim, so I thought it would be more realistic If I wrote out my mistakes. It seems cooler that way.]
A: Your turn
C: Ummm...
A: Ha ha ha [Editor's note: Anna laughed because I wrote "ummm" as I said it. Is this guy great or what?]
C: I can't think of anything else I like.
A: I am going to be really quiet from now on so this will go faster.
...
...
...
A: Or maybe I should type.
C: Whatever. I'll stop with the verbatim record. It was great while it lasted.

Big things we like:
C: Hot air balloons
A: Greenland. Nobody talks about it much, but I like the shape, and that it is not really green. Its name is a lie.
C: Sophie's head to body ratio. HA!
A: METOOMETOOMETOO!!
C: LOL:OOLOLOLOLOLOOLL!!!1111!!!!!!
C: Oversized realistic sculpture. Also, Damien Hirst. he has some sweet art. He did the diamond skull and he has some other cool things. Maybe I'll put pictures up.
A: Fields of grain. I love the amber waves
C: Booooooooooring
A: @%#$!!

Things we both like:
A: Soapy
C: Whatever. Don't be schmarmy.
C: Airplanes?
A: Yeah.
A: Pride and Prejudice
C: I neither confirm nor deny that allegation
C: frozen pizza and A&E spy and detective shows (Poirot, Inspector Morse, Miss Marple, John Le Carre stuff)
A: True. but not until we got married
C: Suckah...
A: Libraries
C: Totally.

Animals we like (last one):
A: Frogs. They swallow with their eyeballs.
C: I like lizards. I like that they have fat bellies that are wide and that they get narrow on either end.
A: Frogs have fat bellies too.
C: But I like lizards.

There you go everybody! I hope you enjoyed 10 minutes in the life of Chris and Anna!

It is a FIELD TRIP!

Pack up your lunches and come with me to today's posting on Anna's blog.
This is a rare opportunity to see what your loyal host is like while visiting other people's turf. Considering I have failed in my original goal of trying to win more admirers than Anna, I was tickled at the opportunity to post on her page for Sophie. Hopefully this will result in the brief burst of fame that followed Bridget's generous recognition.
I am hoping for a sponsor soon. Adidas? J.C. Penney? You want mediocre humor and ambiguous sentence fragments? I'm your man. Please let me know at thomaschristopherlewis@gmail.com.
Please enjoy.

1) It saves on deodorant. You can put enough on in like, 3 or 4 swipes.
2) It saves on stink. Armpit hair stinks like death. No matter how many times a day you shower or how hard you scrub, armpit hair retains nastiness.
3) Armpits are a weird place to have hair. What is it for? I have no idea. Nobody has any idea. I don't believe people who say they do.
4) In case you ever need to win a swimming contest or enter a bodybuilding contest, you already have a bit of that competitive edge.

So I just read some site that said that it is a myth that shaving your armpits keeps it from stinking. I say that this is not a myth. If you shave your head, will it keep your head from stinking? Yes. There you go.

Also, Julius Caesar shaved his armpits. The Pharaohs did too. It is a great way to connect to history and make it alive. Probably Saladin shaved his armpits too.

I found this awesome and not too long but very interesting article on shaving throughout history. I kept on reading and reading. It really is pretty fascinating. Why did it start? Why does the beard/no beard preference keep cycling? Alexander the Great made all his men shave for safety (the enemy could grab you by your beard), and Mussolini said that whiskers were "a sign of decadence." Jesus Christ is usually depicted as having a traditional beard and 1000 years earlier David's servants to Hanun the son of Nahash had half of their beards shaved off and half of their clothes cut off "even to their buttocks." Ha!
I haven't used shaving cream in about 4 years. I think I would like it, but I have just never really gotten around to getting any. I only need to shave once a week or so, thanks partly to the lack of a facial hair honor code stipulation more more importantly to my Mom and Dad who blessed me with a sissy mustache (remember the Jordan fiasco? No? Maybe someday I will share...)

But there you go. I'll give anyone an ice cream sandwich or a tootsie roll pop that shaves their armpits this next week. Just let me know in the comments section. Hmm. Actually, I will probably not find it after tomorrow. Give me a pledge that you will do it. I will follow up on this in one week.

Hey. So this daily posting thing is tough. It is 10 pm and I just finished homework. Part of that is because Anna taught tonight so I was watching the flea. I have learned that if she gets water in her mouth during her bath, she hates the world for about 12 minutes, and then things are okay again.
But she's asleep now so Anna and I are going to have dinner.

So I read today that Google is sending information to the CDC about searches for flu-related symptoms in order to track the spread of the flu this season. Google has taken out any sort of personal information, so it is just general numbers for locales, but it is supposed to be way more efficient than anything the government is doing right now. Pretty sweet hey?
here is the full text of the story:

(I don't know if copying and pasting is legal, so here is my citation: Big Red Headline, The Drudge Report, drudgereport.com, 11 November 2008)

SICK SURVEILLANCE: GOOGLE REPORTS FLU SEARCHES, LOCATIONS TO FEDS
Tue Nov 11 2008 15:34:50 ET

GOOGLE will launch a new tool that will help federal officials "track sickness".

"Flu Trends" uses search terms that people put into the web giant to figure out where influenza is heating up, and will notify the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in real time!

GOOGLE, continuing to work closely with government, claims it would keep individual user data confidential: "GOOGLE FLU TRENDS can never be used to identify individual users because we rely on anonymized, aggregated counts of how often certain search queries occur each week."

Engineers will capture keywords and phrases related to the flu, including thermometer, flu symptoms, muscle aches, chest congestion and others.

Dr. Lyn Finelli, chief of influenza surveillance at CDC: "One thing we found last year when we validated this model is it tended to predict surveillance data. The data are really, really timely. They were able to tell us on a day-to-day basis the relative direction of flu activity for a given area. They were about a week ahead of us. They could be used... as early warning signal for flu activity."

Thomas Malone, professor at M.I.T.: "I think we are just scratching the surface of what's possible with collective intelligence."

Eric Schmidt, GOOGLE's chief executive vows: "From a technological perspective, it is the beginning."

Developing...


Google has done it again. This is so cool. Imagine you could watch the spread of disease in real time on a map or something.



And then run...

So that last post bored me nearly to death. The rest of the birds are going to take a break for a while. I just have to talk about what a rotten day this started out to be.

First, I was going to get up and use the new gym in our apartment complex, but instead I slept in. Actually, that was awesome. So today started out great.

Then, I took a really long shower and got ready really slow and leisurely-like. That was awesome too. Sounds like the beginnings of a great day, huh?

























BUT I spent too long getting ready and I had 9 minutes before class started when I got out of the bathroom. It usually takes me 13 minutes to get from my front door into class if I run the whole time. If I was responsible and didn't have to rush anything, it would probably take me about 16 or 17 minutes from the front door to my seat in class. I had 9 minutes. Here is where my day started going sour.

I got out the door to take my bike and my tire was flat so I took the DweebCruiser6300 to school. Also, I left my brand new, never-been-used fender on my nice bike because it didn't seem worth it today. (Remember that. It just might come up again later.)

I forgot that I wasn't on my fixed-gear, and that I couldn't slow down by pedaling slower, so every time I approached an intersection and when I got up to the bike lock poles I had to hit the brakes and they squealed so loud. I was humiliated. And I wasn't even on a slick looking bike to make up for it.
At least when I am on my nice bike I can comfort myself with the knowledge that I have the finest parts in the whole bike rack- TIG welded 4130 ChroMoly steel track frame, Sugino cranks and bottom bracket, tektro brakes on my sweet Alex DA-22 rims, MKS track pedals and Surly hubs and track cog. Also, I have some rockin quads and hams.


Aaaaaaaaaaahh yeah...
But anyways, today was bad. I haven't changed or fiddled with the brakes on the DweebCruiser6300 since I bought it over a year ago. So I parked it and ran into my Torts class which I am ALWAYS late to (it's just that usually my professor is late too, so he never knows. Ha!) But he beat me today and I walked in sheepishly and turned on my computer...
...
...and I had 26 minutes of battery. So I waited 22 minutes and then stood up and moved to the very back of the room and plugged it in. That wasn't so bad though... I checked my email because he went overtime.

And I got free pizza at a presentation put on by the Nebraska Attorney General, the Nebraska District Court and the Lancaster County Court to try and win over new summer law clerks. That was pretty good. And Anna and I used a gift card at Target tonight and I got some Craisins (I should have put Craisins on my favorite candy list because I really like them, but I can rarely justify buying them because they are a splurge that is good for you. That is hard to justify sometimes...)

Also, I got some real headway done on my next project.

Oh right...sadnesss. It did rain on my ride home and I had a hard time steering because my fingers were frozen.
But that was ok.
I didn't even get so very wet. It was mostly just really cold. So I guess it was a pretty good day overall.

OH YEAH! I remember the reason why today was so bad. I didn't get the call from the FBI. But it's ok, don't panic like i did until 2:45 today. They are just behind on their notifications and probably won't call until Wednesday (seeing as tomorrow is a federal holiday) so we'll just have to wait to hear about the internship.
Which means I will just procrastinate filling out my forms for a few more days.





P.S. These photos of the baby are offered as a token of good-will after serving you a hefty helping of my rippling masses of man muscle.

Hello.
I have decided to write a little mini-series about birds and religion. I have put together a little list of different bird that are connected to religion. I think it is pretty cool. I only have four, so if you have any ideas for other birds that you can think of please let me know. Otherwise this will be the first of a four-part series.

Ahem...




This is the national bird of Guatemala and was considered sacred by the Mayans and Aztecs. It is a pretty bird. I like its long tail. It is cool because the figure Quetzalcoatl is the Feathered Serpent, the king of the earth and the sky, had visited the central Americas before, and is prophesied to return again. This is who the Aztecs and Moctezuma thought they were meeting when Cortes landed (although some people think that maybe the second coming stuff is a result of the conquistadors bringing Christianity and mixing it into the local religions).
There is a good article about the plausibility of Quetzalcoatl links to Christ written in an article for the Maxwell Institute here. It is a lot more detailed and critical look at the myths than I had ever heard of or read before.
Here are some of the plausible reasons why Quetzalcoatl could be a representation of Christ as a memory of his visit to the Mesoamericans (yoinked from the article):

• A deity playing a role in the Creation
• A deity associated with the bread of life
• A deity assisting the dead by visiting the spirit world
  
• A deity shedding blood to save mankind (Quetzalcoatl spilled his blood on all the bones of the dead, promising them that they would reanimate and live again)
  
• A deity dying on a tree
• A deity resurrecting and being responsible for the rebirth of the deceased
• A personage of light
• Associated with the Sun
  

Also, I think pictures of Quetzalcoatl look pretty cool (all yoinked from Wikipedia. Whatever, don't judge. Wikipedia is a pretty good source.)


This one is my favorite. I like that he is eating
this guy.
I have always like the way the Mayans and Aztecs drew people and animals and everything.So that is all. I got bored of the research part- this is just a blog after all. Read the article on your own and let me know what it says.

What's up loyal followers?
I thought I would give you all the pleasure of reading some of my life goals. I don't have a whole lot and none of them are particularly deep or meaningful, they are mostly just things that I would like to do.

• I would like to take a trip on Air Force One. I don't really know how I will ever do this. I suppose I wouldn't mind going into politics at some point in my life, but it isn't in any of my plans. Maybe we'll have to worry about that when I have an income so I can start donating to campaigns and getting on some short lists or whatever.

• I would like to carve a sculpture. I have this awesome idea that I am sure would make me famous for a while. Maybe enough to get a public school named after me. It is sort of like a huge obelisk and I am still working on the details and what it could mean, but I am pretty sure it will be awesome.

• I would like to learn French. It would be pretty useful. If you were to take a random citizen of the world that didn't speak English, what would be your next guess? French. You never know when you might wake up somewhere in the world and not know where you are. Don't be stuck only knowing bonjour and omelette du fromage .

• I would like to learn Turkish. Cyprus is what got me hooked on Turkey, what with the occupation and all. I think it also has the most interesting history of any country in the region.

• I would like to do a full Ironman sometime. It is a 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile biking portion, and a 26.2 mile marathon. I like all three sports, but it'll definitely be years before I could handle that. But goals are good, right?

• I would like to ride across the U.S. doing the bike camping thing. That seems like it could be pretty fun.

• I would like to take a vacation to the Virgin Islands and go kayak touring. I read about it in a magazine once and it has always sounded cool since then. You could go snorkeling once you hit your camping spot or hotel! Doesn't that sound so cool?

• I am pretty much planning on living on an island. Anna and I are thinking Puerto Rico once I finish law school. It is sort of the best of both worlds; you get to live in a new environment where you don't totally fit in and you have to learn another language and they use the dollar and you get all the benefits of being in the United States (it being a commonwealth and all. What does commonwealth even mean? And why are Virginia, Pennsylvania and Kentucky commonwealths even though they aren't treated like commonwealths?)

• I would like to own all of the Tintin books. Those are really cool.

• I would like to go on a safari.

• I would like to live in a brick house in a city.

That's about it. I am sure I have some more, but these are the only ones I can think of. What are some of your cool life goals?