Isn't She Beautiful...

I know I won't finish this post tonight before I completely zonk out for bed. I just may fall asleep here as I am typing this to you... but I felt it was important for myself to write how I am feeling. right. now.

Tomorrow I start the paleo diet... or rather in 50 minutes. I am really looking forward to it for only one reason. I will go into that more thoroughly in a moment.

This moment, as I am sitting here typing this I am sick. My stomach feels fat and bloated and over all just not healthy.

I'm dizzy and feeling jittery.

I almost feel as if I am going to pass out.

I have that horrible bile feeling rising up in the back of my throat- and I'm getting the cold sweats. You know the feeling, right before you vomit.

And here's the kicker- I am not sick.

Not in a contagious way anyway.

I am sugar crashing. HARD.

For some reason I thought it would be so much fun to binge and eat as much as I could and get all the munchies "out" of my system- enjoy the junk before I pack it away.

WELL GOOD GRACIOUS... WHY DID I DO THAT?

Now I'm just SICK. And fat. And totally gross feeling.

UGH.... So this is me REMINDING myself WHY I decided to go paleo in January for 30 days.

It's to get THIS nasty feeling OUT of my system. I need to PURGE these cravings and detox from everything I yearn for but everything my body revolts against. I need to take back what is mine, and that is not just my body- but also my will power.

I am so TIRED of feeling out of control. Believe it or not folks... just because you lose a lot of weight does NOT mean the journey is over. My journey is FAR from over. I hit some hiccups in the road that actually extended my journey out even farther and so here I proclaim it:

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

Take CONTROL Nichole. Take ACTION Nichole. THIS IS YOUR BODY.

THIS IS MY BODY.

And so in now 42 minutes- I will begin a new chapter in my journey... and I will document it for all to read about. I may do a vlog towards the end- all of my camera's are dead right now. (HAHA- GO FIGURE EH? Not like I'm not a photographer or anything?)

So here are my stats- please don't judge as it is honestly harder to put up that I have gained then it was to initially say how large I started out at.

Paleo Diet Stats BEFORE::

230 POUNDS
6 ft.
Size 16/18
Work out stamina: medium although I feel super sore more often then I had when doing Insanity. Definitely not as fit as I was one month ago. :/

I will take pictures- but won't show those until I have after's.... for obvious "I'm still a girl with some pride" reasons... HAHA!

Thanks for taking this journey with me. I will need all the support I can get!
Love Nichole

Ps. I totally finished my post in time! :) haha!

I honestly have nowhere to put this. THIS being the emotions that are raging inside me. Being a mother is quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever done... but it IS most definitely the MOST important.

Tonight my family and I went out and had dinner as a family, and then went to a movie with another family close to us. Tonight we just wanted to spend time together and enjoy each other's company.

Tomorrow my 22 month old goes in for surgery on her finger.

The procedure isn't invasive in the least, the going under part is the most worrisome. The growth however is scary. The constant changing and massive size of it is nauseating.

My 22 month old has what the surgeon called an anomaly on Friday.

My 22 month old's mother (me) is scared to death and frantic.

Tonight as we sat in Denny's and got asked politely how we were doing and what we were doing out and about on such a cold night, the waitress gave us our children's meals on the house. Tonight wasn't the normal children eat free night; it brought tears to my eyes.

Going through the menu I was looking at the healthy options and all the caloric ratings of different meals and just felt exhausted. Will I have to do this for the rest of my life?

Yes. I probably will.

But not tonight.

Tonight I decided to just enjoy my evening with my babies and let the guilt go. And you know what- it was fun ... and it was totally fine.

Sometimes life isn't just about the diet, losing weight, or what you look like. Life is SO much more than that... and it's when we discover this tiny little detail that we have reached a certain healing spot in our hearts, at least according to the book of Nichole anyway. ;)

We have to prioritize our lives... and tonight just enjoying my children and picking off their plates and eating candy with them in the movie theater was a priority for me. I don't know what tomorrow holds. I know in the deepest parts of my heart that everything will be okay. Lyndi and I both had blessings, so it has to be. But I still don't know what to expect.

And with that I just ask that you keep me and my family in your prayers tomorrow (Wednesday) and remember to prioritize your own lives too.


Life isn't about your weight or looks.

Life is so much more than that and I pray for the day when we all realize this.

I pray for the day when women can embrace the bodies our Heavenly Father has given us, and hold our heads high and chests out with out worrying.

I pray for the day when the worry is gone.

I hope you all have a wonderful day/ night/ week ... and remember to find joy in all the little things.

Love Nichole

So I really try to keep this blog positive- and for the most part I think that I have. Unfortunately in the world of weight loss- it isn't always positive.

I had an amazing Thanksgiving break. I mean it was SUPER yummy.

But what do you think that means?

Of course it can only mean one thing, right? WEIGHT GAIN.

I gained 6 POUNDS!

After the devastation wore off I had to sit down and contemplate what on earth happened and how I gained when I still need to lose 40+ pounds.  That's when I realized something...

Eating three pies practically on your own will probably do that to ya.


WHAT WAS I THINKING?!

So I hit the gym hard this week and of course was using MY FITNESS PAL and I already got 3 of those suckers off. Hopefully next week I can get two more and then be on my way back DOWN. To be honest, I haven't felt this sore in a LONG time though. Not a good sign that I have been utilizing my work outs as much as I should have been, eh?

But enough of that... I have another sad sad declaration. One that makes me want to punch holes into my body.

I TURNED 30!!!! HOLY FREAKING COW!


There were some fun events that came about because of that. Some included CAKE, ice cream, MOVIE, dinner, ICE SKATING, movie, lunch, oh and frozen yogurt of course. (Hmmmm... perhaps some of this weight gain happened BEFORE Thanksgiving? I think I would feel a little better about that for some reason...)

Anyway- you will have to watch the video below to figure out what the heck happened on my birthday! :)

... And then I went bat pooh crazy and punched needles through my body.... and got it on video...


So enough of my yatching and moaning. I will do something about it, but I will also recognize that no matter what- a few pounds is just that. A few pounds. I should be patting myself on the back for losing the amount I did in the first place. I am after all still a mother and wife. I still have other responsibilities. And not only that- I am only human. :)

This weekend was such an emotional and spiritual high for me. Coming home was exciting, but almost like I crashed hard.

I went with a few girl friends and their families to a church woman's conference this weekend in Portland. It was much needed, fun, and somewhat relaxing. It was definitely something THIS mama needed!


But then when I came home I came home to reality. I was extremely happy to see my children and my husband. He had done such a good job making sure the house looked at least somewhat close to what it did when I left. And to my astonishment- it actually looked BETTER.

So THAT'S when the emotional crash happened.

My husband doesn't NEED me!

He can do it ALL ON HIS OWN!!!

Talk about a little bit of a blow.

I woke up yesterday (Monday) morning feeling a little depressed. I felt fat and frumpy and like a failure at everything.

I know... I know. What? Why? I JUST got back from being inspired and motivated. How could I fall so far so fast?

Well that's how Satan works with us. He tries to get us where he knows we are weak. I struggle with depression and self worth. Of COURSE he would try to get me to see that my husband doesn't need me when what I should have seen is how hard my husband worked to make it a happy homecoming for me.

So, back to Monday. I decided it was time I took control of myself again and so I dropped my son off at school and then drove back to my gym. I dropped the girls off at child watch and I worked my BUNS off for two hours.

And you know what? When I was driving home I felt proud of myself. I felt WORTHY of my family again. And not only that- I was HAPPY.

Exercising does that you know? It raises the dopamine in your brain- it's like a drug! A happy drug! One that I need to get hooked back up on.

And so I woke up again today and immediately drove myself and children to the gym. And again I left feeling re-energized.


So if you are finding that you are struggling just like me, then go out and work out. Build up your self-confidence by toning up your body. It really does work. I promise.

And remember- Satan wants us to hate our bodies because he never got one. We were made in the Lord's image. Of COURSE we are amazing and beautiful. How could we be anything less? I think it is important that we remind ourselves of these little facts every day. With this knowledge we can be prepared to combat anything that heads in our way!

WE. ARE. BEAUTIFUL. (Even if we make horrid faces and look completely stoned. haha! - yeah that's for YOU Heather!)

For the most part I have been very honest and upfront about this entire journey. I have been working on this for over 18 months now, and it has been the hardest thing I have ever done. Losing weight is such a struggle emotionally and physically. I have hit plateaus and I have broken through those plateaus like a BEAST.

So I have gone on and on about how I was going to do a triathlon. For years I have trained and got injured and then pregnant. And then injured again. But finally this year I met one of my biggest goals, ever.

I ran my first triathlon.

Granted it was only a sprint- but by golly it was one of the hardest things I have ever done physically and mentally, all at the same time. It was such a test of strength that I didn't even know I possessed! And have never been so proud of myself either. I truly feel like a champion. :)


And to top it off- I had the privilege of doing it with two beautiful and amazing friends. Heather (on the left) and Aimee (on the right).

My original goal was to complete the race in 2 hours and 15 minutes. My friend Cassie even told me that if I made THAT specific goal she would buy me dinner.



I may or may not have SMOKED that goal OUT of the water. I guess you are going to have to continue to read to find out! :) haha!

First off, I trained at doing the quarter mile swim in 9 minutes. I however, was NOT prepared for the onslaught of feet and arms flailing towards my face during the entirety of the swim portion. I had to walk in when I wanted to dive in and then got kicked in the face by numerous feet three different times- to the point of choking. I had to even flip over on my back at one point because someone behind me swam OVER me. WOW. I'm sorry- I didn't realize this was a race to the DEATH!!!

At least now I know what to expect and where to position myself for next time- if there ever is a next time that is. I finished in a little over 11 minutes. I was pretty mad about it... but at least I didn't drown! :)



Now onto the bike portion of the race. 14 miles of hills. Up and down, luckily. But a fairly intense ride if you're pushing yourself hard. In the photo below there is a young woman in blue to the right of me. She should be pretty happy neither one of us died because she passed me going up a hill and then decided to coast going back down it. "WOMAN WATCH OUT!!!"

Okay I didn't yell that- but she was weaving back and forth so I did yell out, "Pick a side, I'm trying to pass." As you can see in this picture we played cat and mouse for most of the race. I beat her going into the second transition though. BOO-YEAH! haha!


And then there's the run.

Oh the run.

How I DREADED that run!

At 3.2 miles it was absolutely HORRIBLE!!!! haha!

So I stuffed my face with gummy bears and went for it. Don't look TOO closely in this next picture below because my cheeks just might be full. Maybe.


Also, running while having to pee is NEVER a good thing. I also learned to not run in wet biker shorts. It creates a rubbing action... that leaves you... a little... raw.

Enough said.



Crossing that finish line was full of so many different emotions. I was so overwhelmed by them I began to cry. I had finally accomplished my dream of running a tri. I had done it.

I was finally able to say that I did it.

To me this triathlon symbolized so much. It's hard to actually explain it in words. Losing almost 60 pounds, with another 40 to go- this was almost a different type of finish line for me. Like, I'm almost there- don't give up yet! So close. :)

I still am so amazed by this accomplishment.


And so here I am today writing my story down for myself, my friends/ readers, and my children- My goal was 2 hours and 15 minutes.

I crossed the finish line at 1 hour and 48 minutes.


IF YOU WANT IT- YOU CAN ACHIEVE IT. You just have to believe it- and you can do anything you put your heart to.

Love Nikki.

I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I have bile rising up from the back of my throat as I sit here and type this...

I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I may or may not have IBS just THINKING about tomorrow and the triathlon.

I would lying if I didn't tell you I may or may not have almost jumped into a pile or boulders yesterday to avoid tomorrow all together. (Don't worry, it was mostly on accident when me and two girl friends floated the river last night... ha!)

And I definitely would be lying if I didn't tell you that even with all the fear and horrible side effects of the stress, I am SOOOO FREAKING STOKED AND PUMPED it is OUT of this World!!!



Soooo... YEAH. That's pretty much how I feel about tomorrow morning.

Wish me luck y'all. Cause my bowels could use it. :)

Love Nikki

After making my commitment to FINALLY complete a triathlon I signed up and paid my dues. Being quite the penny pincher, I may have gotten a sharp pain behind my left eye paying the late fee's for the Sprint Triathlon. But I did it ...

and now I'm scared to death.

My race is now a week and a half away. And so now I am sitting in my recovery weeks but not before I pushed myself real hard this last week.

My friend Cassie pushed me pretty hard to ensure my endurance can with stand this battle of the mind. I ran my first 10K- well to be honest it was 6.6 miles. I averaged a 12 minute mile. Could I have done better... maybe in another year. I'm proud of this run. The furthest I have gone before this is just over 3 miles. (I think I may have run 4 miles before but eh... I don't remember. haha!) And I have to keep reminding myself NOT to compare my times with other people because the truth is... I have only been doing this like what? 6 months??? lol! I think I should just chill on how long it takes me :)

Last night I rode the 14 mile course that the tri will use. I ended up actually going 15 miles. And let me tell you-  my "who who" ain't feeling it. I have decided that no amount of money is enough to protect this fragile part of my body. I mean really... who needs it?

ME!!! I DO!!!

So after bawling my eyes out to Cassie as we ran 1.5 miles after the ride, I decided to buy myself a gel seat. bahaha! How embarrassing. I bow my head in shame. I will also be getting a pair of bike shorts to wear.

I'm gonna guard and protect those parts of me come hell or high water!!!

So as mentioned above, this next week and a half will be my recovery week(s). I will go on walks and continue to zumba like I normally do. I will also swim a lot. I may go on one more short run before next Wednesday... but I have learned- I GOTTA STORE UP THE ENERGY!



Thank you to everyone who has been pushing and rooting me along the way. As tedious as this is... it is a journey I am so happy to be on.

Love Nikki!

It has been a long time since I have sat down and actually decided to write something for the whole World to see. My journey has continued and I have done quite well actually, with this journey. I have officially lost 57 pounds and am able to play the way I have always wanted to do. I even cut my hair off and made myself look the way I feel- sexy.


But with a change this huge there are other changes that come along the way. Not all of them are what you expected, nor are all of them good. Most is good... but not all.

I'm sure many of you have heard of "fat girl brain." Let me tell you... it is real. I am still very much the same size in my mind as I was when I started out. I was 279 when I began documenting my weight and a size 24 at 6 feet. Today I am 222 pounds and a size 16 at 6 feet. I could barely squeeze into booths at a restaurant and always wore things that didn't fit correctly to hide my true form. I was always tired, cried a lot, and couldn't run a mile.








A lot has changed.

But to me- nothing has changed.

When I'm out running alone I can push myself, but only so far. I give up. "I can't do this" I think to myself and stop. But when I'm out running with my friend Cassie I can go 3 miles. Why can't I do that alone?

The hardest part about losing weight is trying to find out who you are in the process. I have always been very outgoing and active. I love to be a little crazy and explore. I love to challenge myself and lose myself in the moment. Becoming this person again has definitely been difficult when it comes to some of my relationships. People I met when I was at my largest point knew me as "that" girl... and expected me to stay "that" girl. THAT was never who I was. Getting back to me has strained relationships which I never anticipated. You don't just get smaller when you lose weight, you heal. You heal emotionally and mentally. You become stronger... and generally more confident. You stick up for yourself more and put up with less. This is a GOOD thing. But not everyone agrees.

My hardest struggle lately has been in the decision to actually go through with my goal and promise to myself over three years ago and ACTUALLY do a triathlon. I have a lot of support and great friends involved. But I'm stuck. I'm stuck with the fat girl brain. I'm stuck with my confidence. And I'm tired of competing for everything.

I understand this is for me. And I understand that I am not, nor have I ever claimed to be an athlete. My time will not be the best. In fact I MAY be the very last man standing. And I think I'm okay with this. What I am NOT okay with is being asked what my time is and then have it rubbed in my face how much better everyone else did.

Granted I don't know that that will happen. It's a fear I have though. I'm sure it is an irrational one at that too. But it is still a very real fear. One that has taken control for way too long.

And so with this- I am committing.


I WILL sign up for the August 10th sprint triathlon.

I am scared, angry, and tired... BUT I WILL DO IT.

And to all the haters out there... I know where that comes from. I know your insecurities. I still love you for it... and when you are ready to get to know the REAL me, I will be there waiting.

Love a girl who knows YOU ALL have it in you- because trust me... going through what I have been through- If I can do it. YOU MOST CERTAINLY CAN DO IT TOO!

This year was a fantastic mothers day. Mostly because it was the first time I have been able to play on the playground equipment with my children. I climbed and swung and jumped all over it like a crazy baboon. I even swung on the swings... AND DIDN'T BREAK IT!

It was amazing.

And it reminded me why I started this journey.

Not just for me- but FOR my children.

I made memories for all of us that will carry hopefully with us for our entire lifetimes. It was such a great feeling.

And so with that, today I am at 44 pounds lost. I started out at 279 and am now 235. I am finally passed  my pre pregnancy weight (238) with my first child, from six years ago.

I'm ALMOST there.

I'm almost at my 50 pound mark.

And then it's to 200 pounds. My marriage weight. :) (Remember, I'm 6 ft.- that's actually a pretty great weight for me.)

So here I was yesterday with my baby:




And another reminder of where I am going:

  Wedding weight: 200 pounds.

Remember- IF I CAN DO IT... You all totally can. We are beautiful, and we can totally rock it. :)

Well lemme tell ya!

 I have been a busy busy bee. This weekend was epic in all amazing proportions. I went to a conference with my sister and a friend... and her sister-in-laws. It was a conference for the women in my church called Time Out for Women. I laughed... and I cried... and I drove for 12 hours!!! Proud much? Well you better be. Cause I didn't gain a single pound.

BOOM!



But let me get to the guts of this post. You see those legs?

Those SEXY sexy legs?



Well Cassie took me exploring last night.

HA!

Why is this so funny? Well Sunday I had fallen while putting lotion on my crazy amazing legs and fell backwards. I hit my head on the corner of one of our walls and blacked out. It was pretty amazing how loud the fall was. My husband heard it all the way in the garage... and ran to my rescue when he heard my baby SCREAMING because she thought I had died.

I am prone to concussions. Once you have one you are at higher risk to have another one. I have had three. I'm pretty sure Sunday's head smacking ordeal was a minor concussion. I was nauseous and sick all day Sunday, and even yesterday. Today my head hurts- but it's only slight.

And then yesterday. Ohh lucky me, yesterday.

I went out on a walk. We had planned on some interval training but got curious.

Curiosity killed the cat right?

Well it darn near almost killed me too!

I attempted to climb up and over a fallen tree, and one of my legs slipped out from under me. I- how do you say this?... hurt myself? Where the sun doesn't shine.

It took me a minute to catch my breath.

Cassie had to sit down so she wouldn't pee her pants from laughing at me as hard as she was.

And then I almost died AGAIN when we crossed a small swampy stream and the stinking log SNAPPED under my weight. AND DOWN I WENT.

Yay ME. Again.

On the way back my shoes were slippery with mud and blood from the thorns that kept attacking my sexy legs. (Okay, lets be honest, that was just for dramatic affect- the blood was minor. haha!) So I couldn't walk across the huge fallen tree over the river.

I tried once. And then twice.

Not gonna happen. So I just told Cass I was going to just cross the river.

She was bent over laughing at me at this point. And wouldn't ALLOW me to get into the hypothermic making river.

I ended up scooting across the slimy log, while getting groped by branches the entire way. My pants almost didn't make it.

In fact- I ALMOST DIDN'T MAKE IT!

But alas, drama aside I did make it, and we ended up running through the paths and trees. It was beautiful and "happy making." We felt free.

And so you would think that this is the end of my wonderful klutzy adventures, wouldn't you?

Well it's not.

Last night when I got home and after Cassie had taken pictures of my thorn torn legs I did the worst thing a gal with a minor concussion could do.

I SLIPPED AND FELL DOWN MY ASPHALT PATIO STAIRS.

SO.

My name is Nick-klutz.

A name I haven't been known by since highschool.

A name that better NOT take me out this racing season this year, or I am going to raise HADES!

A name that has made not only my head throb, but my booty ache, and my legs burn.

But I look good... so I will continue to carry on.

INJURIES AND ALL!

Something happened two days ago that really tore me up emotionally. It wasn't really THAT big of a deal other than the fact that I had put myself out there... and yet was still "rejected." That moment when you realize your needs aren't as important to someone else as you have made their needs to you. Does that even make sense?

I have helped put something together that I was passionate about, but quickly lost interest because of all the ungrateful attitudes that seemed to be directed towards me. But once it was done, I thought I'd be able to move on. To just get over it.

But I haven't.

My heart is still heavy.

I feel as if I am carrying the burdens of the World on my shoulders right now. And that is such a sad feeling.

Feeling used, and taken advantage of takes so much out of someone. A simple, "thank you" goes so very far.

And then I feel even worse because I don't hide emotion very well and I have had several different friends ask if I was upset with them.

I just need to find some way to kick this raunchy feeling. Maybe I will put a show on and take a nap with my lovely little people that I love so much.

I hope you are all having a better week than I and that my crappy week turns into a great weekend.

Till then my pretties.

Happy Monday everyone! I am so stinking pumped about everything that happened this weekend. First off we went out with some friends and went to dinner, then bowling... then to DQ's. lol! It was so much fun! And all for my hubby's 30'th birthday. *la'sigh*

It's a sign of the times y'all... when bowling makes for an epic evening. And yup. I said epic. :)

First off Red Robbin is such a yummy burger joint. Uber yummy! Yummy to my tummy, yummy.

But I with held and restrained myself by getting the blt croissant and a side salad. I only ate half of the blt and guess what- that made it only 330 calories. Way to work it, Ms. Nichole.

And yes, I did just cheer myself on.

But one of the most exciting parts leading up to our date night was the fact that I fit into my size 18 jeans that I haven't worn in YEARS! And even then... it was only when I had spanks on.



No spanks then! And yes... I have a serious apple bottom. What ev. I'm resigned to the fact that I will always have a Kardashian booty- and I'm okay with that. ;)

This is my hubby and I eight years ago... almost exactly- showing off our bottoms for our engagement pics. haha! And once again, an apple bottom. It is what it is... :)

Continuing on... this morning after my mad dash through hell to the dentist with all three of my children, I weighed in. I'm pretty sure one of the reasons I did so well with my weigh-in was because of how profusely sweaty I was from the stress of making sure no one got lost at the office. Note to self- never take a 5 year old, 3 year old, and 1 year old into a dental office with a HUGE @$$ GINORMOUS stroller as the restraint. It don't fit... and ain't nobody got time fo' dat!

Between me getting sandwiched in the hallway and Lyndi flinging her bottle around hollering at the top of her lungs I was mortified and had the great lakes spewing out of my arm pits. Luckily I was wearing my work out clothes. Sadly I went to the gym AFTERward.

Eh. I'll let the dentist believe I went to the gym and got funky before hand. No shame in that.

But enough of my skirting around my numbers though. I lost another 2 pounds. That puts me at 242 pounds with a 37 pound loss. YIPPEEEEE!!!!

And I lifted weights by myself in the cardio room with the big dogs. I may have been just a little intimidated by the mere muscle mass around me... but I pumped me some iron anyway.

Big bootie got it GOIN' ON- and if my bootie can handle it... I know yours can too!