Learning to Live

Colin as a pig in 2004.

This year I was too cheap to buy a costume so I decided to make it. Yep, I made it! It looks pretty good. So this year it meant buying fabric/pattern for costume, sewing costume, and snapping a few photos. Since we are back in the US, I guess we will venture out to see some of our family and friends. Oh what fun!

My Little Money in 2005.

Our family . . . Colin is less than 24 hours old!

I remember trying to take Colin's fall photo last year was difficult. Well this year was no different. We went to the pumpkin patch last weekend, but Colin had more fun trying to get into the street than posing with a pumpkin. Yesterday during lunch my mom and I tried again . . . much better luck. I never knew he was so fast! I am amazed at how much he has changed in the last 12 months.

Colin 2005

Colin 2004

NBC has a show hosted by Amy Grant called Three Wishes. They have been running a promo all week that it is a salute to US soldiers and their families who have recently returned home from Iraq. I wanted to watch it.

When I first heard of this show I thought is was going to be stupid . . . I actually watched it a few weeks ago and it was a total tear jerker. The concept of the show is to grant three big wishes to people in the town they are visiting. It is a real feel good kind of show.

As it grew closer to 8pm, I had mixed emotions about watching the show tonight. I thought I would be okay emotionally, but at 8:05 I had to change the channel. When they showed the door of the plane open and troops start walking down . . . I lost it. It was something that I never got to do. I had dreamed of how Sean would react to seeing Colin and myself. I would be a mess and tears running down my face while Colin was running wild. Instead, I had to greet Sean without a response and crying uncontrollably. I had to see a person that did not look like the man I sent off to war.

Before I flipped the channel I was happy to see they were honoring a widow of one of the fallen soldiers. So I have escaped to the garage apartment to sew on a new quilt . . . as least that keeps me busy.

Sean with his knit sheets, and 1SG Smith with the basketball net.

Sean really loved getting food from Hickory Farms . . . sausage, crackers, cheese, and of course spicy mustard. So yesterday when Colin and I were in the grocery store (another painful experience) it brought a smile and sweet memory when I saw the Hickory Farm display. I immediately thought about the picture below and the smiles on the faces. It is weird how the strangest things trigger a memory . . . thank goodness!

Sean with two guys he spent a lot of time with while in Iraq . . . Smith and Knicely

I have always had a hard time finding comfortable shoes that look like something someone my age would wear . . . you know most 30 year olds don't wear SAS. I was at the mall a few nights ago and popped into Dillards to browse. I found a pair of shoes by Josef Seibel that were outrageous in price but looked like a pair of shoes I had in Germany and loved! I wore them the entire time I was pregnant and tossed them after Colin was born. I miss them so much . . . sort of that weird Euro style. I found a few other pair that were reasonably priced and got the sales clerk to bring them all out. I told her that I could not imagine paying that much for shoes but would try them on for kicks. She got all the shoes and took off to help someone else. I slipped these beauties on and had to sit down . . . I was amazed at how wonderful they felt. They were so light and did not hurt at all! My first rule for buying shoes is if they hurt in the slightest way then I don't buy them. Needless to say, I don't buy many shoes for me. I just could not pay $120 for these shoes but after my first real day of school, I will be there to buy them soon . . . very soon . . . now I just need to decide black or brown or both!

It is just a number, but in the last 24 hours it has been all over the news. The 2,000th soldier has died as a result of the War in Iraq. It has me thinking . . . does number 2000 need such media coverage?

I used to check out a website, http://icasualties.org/oif/, when Sean was deployed. It was a strange way of making the war seem real . . . as if having a husband there did not make it real enough. I would check to see if I knew any of the names. It also helped put names to the numbers that I so often heard. According to this website there have been 2,200 deaths. I stopped reading at number 1,343. It did not matter to me any more because the reality of war hit home. I think every soldier deserves to be known . . . what about number

577 CPT E. Blanco
862 CPT C. Kenny
1100 SSG R. Thornton

These are just three men who made the ultimate sacrifice (I have always hated hearing that) . . . they are a lot more than just a number. I have been able to meet in person or through the internet the ladies behind these men and learn about their lives. We all miss our soldier dearly and wish we never had to meet, but it is nice to know someone out there understands.

I must admit that the first day had its highs and lows. First, I am so tired and my feet are even more tired. I had to trek all over this complex to locate these kids! Thank goodness they are on their own next week. I am going to go buy the world's most comfortable shoes this weekend. I think that this job is going to be rewarding but I sure have some very low performing students. It is going to be a challenge. I never knew there was so much difference between a 2nd and 5th grader . . . well, the maturity level of some are about the same. I only had a couple of students that drove me crazy but nothing that isn't going to be easy to solve.

I think one of the biggest challenges for me is going to be to try and fit in with my colleagues. This may sound bad but it is so different from being at DODDS. Everyone at DODDS brought so much knowledge, experience, and culture from all over the US and here the population is pretty much the same. In fact, many of the teachers I had at this school are still here . . . hey now that sounds like DODDS. Funny! I find myself just hanging out alone in the room when I have a break or a class is not there . . . I have always been a loner but now even more so. Maybe it is that I don't want to explain my life situation or do they know and don't want to be around me?

My first impression was good . . . the pledge has never meant so much and it always baffled me that at a school where almost 100% of the students had a parent connected to the military not all teachers said the pledge. One of the first things I noticed in my classroom was the lack of a flag . . . now our flags are front and center. I don't have students when the pledge is said over the loud speaker, but I stand and recite it. It gets me off to a great start.

I look forward to day two. Once I get into a routine and some direction in exactly what my job is, it will be a breeze . . . hopefully. I feel like I am working ten times harder than when I worked everyday all day in a regular classroom . . . off to rest my feet and decide what color shoes to buy this weekend . . . maybe black and brown!

Today is my first "real" day of school. I start seeing kids in about 20 minutes but my first impressions are great. It is nice to be at a school where all teachers and students say the Pledge of Allegiance. In a community so far removed from the military and war, they are still very patriotic. What a way to start the day! I hope I am not too exhausted for an update tonight!

I think he is proud of his boy!

It was a busy weekend. We are both so tired but wanted to share a couple of photos. Colin and I got to see several good friends . . . Doug and Beth from days in Germany and Sean's buddy Eric. I always love seeing our old friends and look forward to our next visit! I don't think you know how much I appreciate the visit and the efforts you made to come to the thriving metropolis of Eddy!

I never got the whole MP3 player and iPod thing but advertising sure made me want one. Sean told me I would never use it so I did not buy one.

Well, a couple of weeks ago I decided I really needed one so I got online. OH MY! Now, I understand all the ruckus. I love this thing. It is so easy to download songs, and I use it all the time. I find it so nice to just lay in bed and listen to music at night . . . at least I am doing something when I can't sleep!

I once heard a saying the truth hurts. When I have free time (laughing),I will google Capt Sean Sims to see if there are any news articles out there that I have missed. Usually, there is nothing new so I will read an old one again. I always "enjoy" reading the Six days in Fallujah by Knight Ridder reporter Tom Lasseter . . . I think it is one of the most up front and descriptive news reports I have read about the battle. For the most part, I have been told this article is pretty true, but there is another article that gets me to wondering about the truth. Was this soldier telling the truth?

The article that gets my brain spinning discusses how a soldier tells the other soldiers of Alpha Company that their commanding officer is dead, "they were just a gaggle walking in some house. They weren't clearing buildings properly before going in." I can not imagine Sean ever letting his guard down, but he had been awake for several days . . . he always took his job so seriously. There was nothing "casual" about Sean when it came to being a soldier. I can't imagine him just walking into some house in downtown Fallujah without his guard up. It just doesn't sound like Sean.

The day before he left for Fallujah I told him, "stay safe, don't let your guard down, and watch your back because Colin couldn't wait for him to come home" . . . I will always wonder if he was . . . something that eats me up . . . something that I will never know.

I was in Germany for the 1ID Welcome Home ceremony. I went to the Alpha Company area to talk to some of the guys. Oddly, the soldier who made this comment walked in the door, and we met in passing. I don't know if he knew who I was, but I sure recognized his name on his BDUs. I so wanted to grab him by the arm and say, "Hey, we need to talk, " but I was overwhelmed just being in the company area and seeing all the soldiers going about their daily business. Of course, he could have cared less what I thought and it probably did not matter to him . . . he was home with his family! I have always thought that if this soldier did not mean what he said, was misquoted, or his words were taken out of context that he would have contacted me, but he didn't so was it true? I wonder if his wife would want to read that about him! If this soldier is saying the truth then it really hurts!

Everything that we owned was stuffed into a storage shed. When I need something, I just have to go dig for it. Thankfully I had several friends that showed up on packing day to label the boxes. It sure has made life easier. Since I started back to school this week, I need to find some of my educational stuff before I start teaching next week. I have not really gone through much of the stuff, but I remember the day that I picked up Sean’s personal effects from Iraq. I met my CAO (casualty assistance officer; assigned by the Army to help me wade through the Army system) at Fort Hood to finalize some paperwork and pick up the belongings. I had waited for over 3 months to get the foot lockers. I was very curious at what kind of stuff Sean had accumulated the nine months he was there. I wondered if he had bought us some “souvenirs” for gifts . . . he never was a shopper but he had become one since we moved to Germany. He did not always have the best taste so I was nervous, but excited in a strange way.

I loaded all five black footlockers in the car and the CAO drove away. I just wanted to open them right then and there, but I was in the parking lot for vehicle registration on Fort Hood . . . probably not the best place to tackle such an emotional experience. So I drove home instead. I got home, got a pair of scissors, and cut the tape on the first one. As soon as it popped opened I smelled Sean . . . it was the best scent I could have smelled. I poked through the rest of the stuff but decided the time was just not right. I placed them in the back on the storage shed, locked the door, and went to my room to cry. All I could think was . . . this is how you sum up this life . . . how depressing. He was so much more than some footlockers full of stuff.

The subject of phone solicitors came up a week or so ago on the email chat group . . . when someone calls it is hard to explain what happened without going into a long story and hold all the emotions inside. I don't get many phone calls for Sean, but he sure gets a lot of mail.

One of the widows finally had enough one day . . . she told the solicitor her husband was not reachable at that number . . . they asked for a new number . . . boy did she get them. She gave them the cemetery phone number! I can imagine the look on the solicitors face when the cemetery answered! What quick thinking. Another told a caller that when there was a direct line to heaven she would sure pass on that information. Wouldn't that be nice!

I was usually a pretty easy going teacher but from time to time I have complained about my schedule. So to every specialist out there that I offended . . . I am SO sorry! My first day was going pretty good. The principal and I sat down to work out a schedule for all the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade classes . . . 14 teachers. It seemed to be pretty good. The meetings with each grade level math teachers was just clicking by until the last one . . . when it rains it pours! It was not going to work no matter what. I went back to the principal and we did some moving around. We moved some grades and I felt bad for moving teachers who were willing to work with the time they were assigned. So now I have to go back to the other teachers and tell them they got screwed because someone else wasn't happy. Where is the happy medium?

I spent most of my day unpacking boxes of school stuff that was packed last November when I was in a fog. I could not find half of what I wanted so will try to find it later. I sat in the dark for a long time thinking about my life at Vilseck and the school I was at . . . boy was it depressing! Here are some of the things I was thinking about today and I am missing already:

1. The beautiful view from my classrooms in Vilseck . . . can someone send me a photo of the snow on the trees this winter and in spring when that bush starts to turn yellow. It was an amazing view! I think that both my rooms (217 and 219) had the best views in the entire building.

2. The sweetest boys that came by almost every morning to get their mom a Diet Coke to jump start her morning and to just say good morning . . . I miss seeing their smiling faces.

3. Treats in my mailbox . . . Ceci, I miss all your goodies you baked me!

4. Phone messages from upset parents . . . not really but it is always funny to listen to parents make excuses.

5. Grade Level teachers . . . there is always some sort of bond you form with the other teachers you work so close with . . . Judy is the only original colleague that I started with in 5th grade and Karin in the 6th grade. I sure miss working with you two!

6. Morning Bus Duty . . . not really but thought I would throw that one in! Maybe Afternoon Bus Duty is memorable because you get to kick them out of the building.

7. I also miss Terry, school nurse, giving me a hard time for not telling her 48 hours in advance about a field trip. It always slipped my mind.

8. Sitting at the gate for a long time to just get to school. It takes me 5 minutes once I get into my car. It is a little too close.

9. Kenneth giving me travel tips and telling me how wonderful Spain is.

10. Talking to the world's best reading teacher and discussing our "wonderful" kiddos

11. Going to the weekly Quilting Group at the HS . . . I miss our silly conversations and their friendship.

12. Just seeing friendly faces . . . I miss all of you!

They always say that the grass is greener on the other side, but I am not sure about that! So tomorrow I am back to fixing that schedule . . . I am sure someone will be unhappy but you can never please everyone!

Today is the day that I head back to the classroom. I know I will have a lot to write about tonight, but I am already tired!

After the news of Sean's death spread around post, my phone would not stop ringing. My friends, Patti and Jenny, started taking messages. I really did not want to talk to anyone at that point. They asked me for a notebook and I pulled out a small note pad of paper. Oh no, that was not going to work. They used some sheets of printer paper to keep track of calls coming in. The next day, Patti went to pick up some food for us to eat . . . hadn't been to the commissary in a while. When she returned they fed me a sandwich and chips. We all sat at the table trying to figure out what to do next. Patti pulled out a small green spiral notebook and some color tabs. I could see Jenny become excited . . . they were both so organized. The notebook would be set up once the CAO came by but we already had a list of questions for him!

My CAO would come see me on Monday morning to start doing paperwork and making some decisions. The notebook was pulled out for note taking . . . then came the tabs! Green for financial issues (see I told you they were organized), blue for visitors, red for the To-Do List, yellow for funeral information, etc.

What is the point? It has been 11 months and I still find myself using this little green notebook. I started keeping notes when I met with my local CAO . . . things I needed his help on, notes from meetings at Fort Hood and just documentation if things were not taken care of . . . when I had an issue with our dental benefits the little green notebook was waiting full of information that I recorded. I had been given some bad information in December, and in September I decided to pursue it again . . . I was able to supply names and dates of those who "misinformed" me. Due to this I was able to get our dental benefits reinstated. Good thing I had every LES from the time we married in 1998!

A big heartfelt thanks to my friends for being so organized! I know I could not see the importance at the time but this little green notebook has kept my life organized! Doesn't it bring back memories from sitting at the table . . . not on the bench of course?

I recently read a story that discusses how families no longer eat dinner together. This really shocked me but in a society of fast food and convenience I should not be surprised . . . right? My parents always insisted we eat dinner together at the dinner table. It was how we always did it so that seemed normal. When Sean and I got married it was something I wanted to continue. Sean worked late a lot so most of the time I ate alone and would sit and talk to him when he would finally get home, but we still sat at the table together.

Now that we are back home with the parents nothing has changed with the dinnertime routine . . . well, Colin took over "my seat" so he could sit closer to his Papa but it worked out because my seat has a clear view of the teapot. My mom was preparing Colin's baked potato for dinner . . . it was hot when she touched it and she said "Damn!" . . . Colin clearly repeated it. My dad and I looked at each other and smiled . . . my dad then said, "I sure am glad it was you and not me!"

Your typical Venice tourist photo shots.

Before heading home to Germany, we just had to stop at Nove . . . they make a lot of the ceramic dinnerware we buy in the US . . . Lenox Butlers Pantry . . . in the US they sell for $18 a plate but at the factory about $3 . . . too bad the trunk was already full with luggage, but I sure did get a lot for $200!

A friend asked me about this email group I joined. I could tell she was curious but just did not know how to ask me. I am sure others might be curious too. It is a group of women (men can join too) who have all lost their husband either in Iraq, Afghanistan, or other service connected accidents. It took me six months to find them and sign up for it. I have learned a lot from others. As much as everyone means well, you just don't understand unless you have been there. It so sad to be only 31 with a small child and lose your husband. All of them understand what it is like.

She wanted to know what we all talk about since we have never met . . . so this is four of the most common things we talk/write about:

4. in-laws and problems with family
3. accepting this "new" life and how to deal with life now
2. benefits or lack of (I will get on my soapbox about this soon!)
1. the obvious . . . our husbands and how much we love and miss them

Not everyone writes . . . but just about everyone reads all the messages. I really enjoy reading about all the great soldiers we have lost. A wife can really tell you so many great things about her husband. Of course, it causes me sorrow when I see a new email titled "New Member" or "Introduction", it has made life a little easier knowing there are others in my shoes.

I have been hesitant to watch the news today. I hope the election in Iraq goes off with no problems. Early reports say that about 60% turned out . . . that gives me some hope . . . maybe what Sean did and so many others are continuing to do will make Iraq a better place. Someday I will write about my last conversation with Sean and what he said about the elections. I honestly think that the people of Iraq want a better country and appreciate what our soldiers are doing. It is what keeps me going . . . let his death not be in vain.

I have not had many dreams since Sean died. I thought I would dream of him all the time, but I don't. I have only had two dreams with Sean the last 11 months. It causes me great sadness that he doesn't "visit" me.

One of the dreams was really sad for me, it was something like this. We were sitting in bed hugging. I never really get a clear view of his face but I know it his him. I am asking him a million questions on why this is happening, why did he have to leave us, what am I suppose to do . . . he won't look at me so I pull away to look at him. He never says a word and there are tears running down his face. I can't remember anything else because I woke up. I tried to go back to sleep but of course could not. This dream made me think that he did not want this to happen and was sorry or me having to raise Colin alone.

Last night I had a really strange dream. I was at a NASCAR race . . . I have never watched racing so no sure why I was there . . . I had signed up for a race and they said wait until your number (19)is called . . . they called number 19 and asked where my running shoes were . . . I was confused. They informed me this was a foot race to get upstairs to run. I tried to get some running shoes from my mom, but she did not have hers on so we left. I woke up confused. I now over analyze all my dreams for some underlying meaning. I figured it out . . . The Amazing Race 8 is headed to Talladega next week and they are doing some running . . . I am addicted to this show! I guess now that I dream of TV shows! I am still waiting on Sean to pay me a visit.

All we wanted was one decent photo of us with the Acropolis in the back . . . this is what we got. Why can't tourist take photos of other tourist?




I was not impressed with the city of Athens . . . big, crowded, and dirty! We visited all the typical tourist spots . . . Olympic Stadium, Acropolis, and selected tourist trap stores . . . they so have a monopoly on tour buses. We are looking forward to the next two days at sea . . . hanging out on the balcony with each other.

After reading this article in the Stars and Stripes, I guess I should thank my Fort Hood CAO for not washing Sean's clothing. If I would have opened the foot lockers and smelled Tide it would have only upset me more. Sean's smell never smelled so good.

This post is for all those who knew about my crazy coupons . . . I had a friend (Hi Alex) in Hohenfels who would bring Jenny and I coupons . . . I don't mean just a few . . . I mean like 5 and 6 PX bags full of them. So we are talking thousands. This all started during the Kosovo deployment (November 2002-July 2003). Jenny and I were bored and had no real life, right? It became a huge deal and game for us. Who could save the most money during this deployment? Before I tell you how much I saved let me tell you what we would do.

We would sort the coupons all week and compare what was on sale at the PX and Commissary that week. You could often get items for free or or almost free. The Commissary had this deal on certain coupons that you could use multiple coupons for one item. For example, if a can of soup that cost $1.50 you could use 3 fifty cent coupons and the item was FREE! So this is where it gets funny. We would get all those coupons out that could "buy" free items. On Sunday after church, we had a date! We met at the glorious Vilseck Food Court and then set sail to save, save, save! Let me give you a little idea of what I had in my house when I packed out in January . . . this is a shorter list and is no lie!

34 mens Old Spice deodorant (Sean wore this brand) it only cost me 1 cent each!

15 cans Edge Shaving gel . . . cost about 10 cents per can

20 cans of Chicken Broth . . . cost FREE

10 cans Rotel tomatoes . . . cost FREE

15 cans Clorox Wipes . . . cost about twenty-five cents

18 lipstick . . . regular price $5 each but cost less than $1 each

10 packs of AA batteries . . . cost 99 cents minus the $1 coupon . . . one penny . . . since they don't take pennies they were FREE! I love getting one over on AAFES!

Several times I would see my co workers and they would laugh at me, but when I told them how much my bill was they could not believe it! We would even stand in line looking into other people's baskets and pull coupons for them to use . . . so we were a little obsessed but we had so much fun! When I left Germany, most of the items were donated to an orphanage in the Czech Republic. I truly loved helping these kids and a big thanks to the Kirlin Family for taking the items for me. I know they will think the items are odd but will be happy to have them.

This 6 month deployment turned into a 9 month deployment . . . and I saved over $1000 . . . I still have the receipts to prove it somewhere! By the way, I used the last can of chicken broth last night for dinner. Anyone want expired coupons? Let me know . . . happy to help!

I sure miss my coupon friend!

The view from the volcano . . . so glad when it was over. I was tired!

Looks just like a postcard!

The number 13 has always had a bad reputation, but it never really bothered me. I dread the 13th of each month now . . . it is yet a reminder of another month that has gone by without Sean. Today it marks the 11th month and the next four weeks are quickly approaching. I am not sure how I am going to react on the next 13th.



I have always hated the number 33 . . . I don't know why but I have. If I am changing the volume on the TV and it stops on 33, I have always had to change it to 32 or 34. Last night in bed it hit me. I lost track of Sean's age . . . I thought he was 31 when he died and realized he was 32. Deployments seem to make time stand still. He was 32 when he was killed . . . his 33rd birthday was/would have been August 27, 2005. Was this some higher up sending me a message all these years about 33? Was it a superstition? It is just odd that for so many years the number 33 has seemed like a curse.

Heading to the airport

Since that day I have been in the DFW airport many times. I always see soldiers in their DCUs. I want to go up to them and simply say thank you but am so afraid that I will bother them or just break into tears. So, if you are a soldier, thank you . . . this widow appreciates what you are continuing to do and the sacrifices your family makes. Maybe someday I will have the courage to approach a soldier.

Sean and I loved to travel when we lived in Germany. We were only 40 minutes from the Czech Republic border, and it became one of our favorite places to visit. We both fell in love with Eastern Europe . . . not to mention it was so cheap! Our last trip before Colin was born was to Cesky Krumlov. It was the Columbus Day weekend so we headed out for a road trip. I must admit that being almost 7 months pregnant was not the best time to visit any city, but it was one last opportunity before life changed. Sean loved to get a map and walk all over the city. I sure do appreciate his motivation now. I miss living in Germany and seeing the beauty of Europe! I can't wait to go back . . . soon very soon!

Some of you know that I have been taking a stained glass class on Monday evenings. I finished the first class and here is my project. It is not the project I would have selected but they have everyone working on the same piece. I can't wait for the second class to start in January. I really had a great time!

When I moved back home many thought I was their taxi service. I had no job and had no real life but watching TV. I often got called to do errands or to take people places. At the time it drove me crazy, but I guess it was good because it made me get out of the house and get dressed. I sure did love wearing PJs all day! Last week I took my grandmother to her diabetic class. I was helping her fill out the paperwork and one question really shocked me. It was your basic questionnaire and here is the kicker questions:

What is your martial status?
1. single
2. married
3. divorced
4. widowed
5. separated
6. cohabitating

WHAT? Cohabitating? I am not against people who decide to cohabitate but when did it become a state of marriage? I have never seen this on any type of form. I guess it is just a sign of the times.

One of my favorite times to watch Colin is when he is sleeping . . . he is so peaceful and still. He often sleeps with me . . . I know probably not the best move but who cares. He may not look like Sean, but he sure acts like him sometimes.

1. Colin hogs the bed. Instead of laying parallel to me he lays perpendicular which means I have less room than when I shared my bed with Sean.

2. He hates to be touched. Colin makes noises as if he is in pain. I reach over to pat him and he flings his arms and pushes my hand away plus he makes a sound of disapproval.

3. Dreams . . . all the time. He will just bust out in a full laugh, and I wonder what he is dreaming about . . . does he remember his daddy?

4. He hates to be covered up so I under up sweating with 10 pounds of blankets.

Even though some nights he interrupts my sleep, I still love him and find comfort with him . . . how could I not?



PS I got seven hours of consecutive sleep last night . . . ok so the cough syrup helped, but I have not felt this rested in almost a year.

I often read the long version of this article and find the end results so hard to believe. He was so close to making it to the end. I struggle with this daily but am proud of what he did. Someday it will be a better place . . . I long to go find that house.

I finally got up the nerve to email this reporter to ask some questions. Apparently someone had already shared my email with him. I really appreciated that he took the time to answer all my questions. A few weeks after we traded emails, I got a box at the post office. I opened it and the tears began to fall. Mr. Lasseter sent me that blue and white teapot . . . I look at it everyday. I wonder if he knows how much I appreciated it?

How many more steps to the top?

Finally! another beautiful view!

I was so excited about going back to the classroom but now I am having second thoughts. I have mixed emotions . . . is this the right time, will Colin be okay, will Sean think this is a good move? Maybe it is because I saw my schedule, 800-300 with one 30 minute break . . . WOW! I am used to teaching a couple of hours, 40 minute break, teach few more hours, lunch, and then finish the day. DODDS sure has "short" days compared to Texas. I know that once I am in the swing of things and into a routine (I love routines), life will be good. Well, as good as it is going to get for now. I sure need to go visit Sean.

Getting ready to go to our safety zone . . . always time for a photo!

Waiting for all the Europeans to show up so the "boat" can set sail.

The view from our balcony . . . priceless!

I have always enjoyed working, and I have "enjoyed" not working the last 11 months. Sean and I always agreed that we would both work until we had children and then decide if I should stay home with the kids. It sounded like a good plan. When Colin was born, I had no intention of quitting my teaching job. I knew that I would go crazy . . . new baby . . . husband at war . . . so I continued to work. It really was a great escape for me, and I liked most of my students. I was devastated that I had to leave my sixth graders at VES. I loved them. I still remember going to see them three days after being notified that Sean had been killed. The first person I met with the day after the news was my principal, because I was so concerned about the kids. This school year was the first time in seven years that I enjoyed waking up and walking in the school. I miss them still and miss my colleagues too! Not only did I lose my husband but I lost my entire life . . . teaching, friends, Army, living in Germany.

When I returned to Texas, I was in no shape to teach a child. I could barely function as an adult and taking care of my own baby was questionable. I told myself to wait a year before I made any major decisions. Everywhere I went someone would always ask me if I was teaching yet. I would smile and say, "not in a classroom, but I have Colin to keep me busy." They would give me a confused look and carry on. It made me think I was being lazy and had no purpose. My mom started noticing how it was always the first thing people asked me. It really drove me crazy! You always hear how important it is to stay home with your kids during the early years and here everyone is pushing me back to work. Damned if I do; damned if I don't!

Well, I am finally going back to the classroom. My classroom will be the same room that Mrs. Payne taught me in 3rd grade. My students will be fewer in number. I will be teaching Math Recovery to 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders. I will have 1-4 students and will rotate a new group every 30 minutes. I will only work 1.5 days a week. So, I get the best of both worlds . . . teaching and being with my Colin. It is a scheduling nightmare but will all work out.

I sure hope this makes the town people happy. I can say that I have not been this excited about life in almost a year. I think this is a good thing!

I belong to an email group that is made up of other widows of OIF, OEF, or service related deaths. One of the members sent an email about an article in Stars and Stripes. The article discusses a young widow who committed suicide after her husband was killed. It really mad me sad. This topic has never come up on the chat site. I want my friends to know that even though life has not been fair for me, I am hanging in there. Colin is the real reason I wake up each morning (do I have a choice), and why I smile and laugh. How could you not continue living if you have this face to look at?

I have been "lucky" to receive so much information about Sean and his time in Iraq, but I still find myself searching high and low for more. I want to know EVERYTHING no matter how heartbreaking it may seem. I feel cheated that I don't know more about all the good things that Sean and his company did there. I know they do good but you never hear about it. I have seen some pretty graphic photos and read some very detailed information relating to Sean's death so nothing I read really shocks me anymore. One day I will go to Iraq and find that house . . . I just hope that day comes in my lifetime.

I always read my favorite blogger each day, tryingtogrok, and then click on to another called Armor Geddon. Armor Geddon was a LT in one of the armor battalions that made up the 3rd brigade combat team. I do not know him personally, but hear he is one squared away soldier. He writes a lot about his time in the Army and Iraq. I have been waiting for him to write about the day Sean was killed. He never knew Sean, but I knew he would give a great description of what Fallujah was really like. If you are interested you should check it out . . . Armor Geddon . Thanks for the post and message . . . you are one nice guy.

So you might be asking what is this worst possible news . . . three green suiters showing up at my door. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was 5:03pm, Saturday, November 13, 2004. I was getting ready to head out the door to dinner with some other wives in the battalion when the doorbell rang. I expected to see my friend with wine in hand but instead got the shock of my life.

For nine months, I had worried about my husband. I knew he was a soldier and would do the best possible job to stay safe but it wasn’t to be. I had thought about how I might react if I had been notified. My visions were nowhere near how I reacted. I had always imagined I would just go crazy, cry hysterically, scream, and pass out, but I did none of those things. I was very calm, and then my body went so numb. I was so numb that I almost dropped Colin who was only 10 months old. The numbness would stay for hours. The best way to describe the feeling is as if my entire body had fallen asleep.

I had prepared in case anything happened in Iraq because if you prepare you will never need it right? I wrote two phone numbers on the message board by my door of my two friends I would want called so I pointed to them and said, “Please call.” One was already on her way and my “wife” lived just down the street. She was called to come to my house, but she had no clue. The next hours are so hard, because I just kept saying that are you sure it is my husband and not the other one . . . there were two in the brigade with the same rank and name. I was assured it was my Sean. I was completely shocked and had no idea what to do next. Thank goodness for friends.

I started reading blogs while I was living in Germany. I got excited every time my favorite blogger would post. I just love her! So, thank you Ms. Trying to Grok ! I idolize you.

Well, here goes nothing. I have been wanting to start a blog for many months now so here I go. I am terrible at keeping a journal but love the computer so here I am.

My main motivation for this venture is to document my experiences and emotions for my son, Colin. I want him to know how I handled life when the worst possible news came knocking at our door. I also want others to know how I am really doing . . . sometimes it is just too difficult to explain my life and feelings. I hope that I don’t offend anyone but this is for me. I also hope that it helps me deal with some of my grief that has been bottled up for almost a year . . . did I say a year . . . WOW I really can’t believe it.