Learning to Live

I have often wondered what I would say to Sean if we were given five minutes to talk before he died. What would he say to me? So many times I have read that injured soldiers brought to Germany are met by their family from the US . . . they have that one last chance to see their loved one before they die. I am just stumped at what I might say? I think that it might be a silent 5 mintues of just gazing at each other . . . me looking into those crystal blue eyes of Sean and studying his face while holding his hand. I can imagine that I have tears running down my face, and he is just smiling back at me. I guess sometimes it is what you don't say that means the most.

I had never been to a funeral. I have lost a couple of family members in my life but we only had a graveside service. I had no idea what a funeral was like . . . I had hoped that I would avoid going to a funeral for a long time. It is hard to believe that Sean's funeral was the first one I had to go to. It seemed like we were just attending mass except that Sean was just a arms length to my right . . . I could have just reached out and put my hand on his casket . . . how could someone that I loved so much be so close but so far away. Needless to say, I don't think I will be going to any more funerals in the near future.

On the drive to the cemetery my mom talked about one moment that was really spooky . . . maybe it was Sean's sign to my mom (and others who noticed) . . . she said at one point the sun started shining through the stained glass window and it was beaming on the top of Sean. I was in too much of a daze to even notice!

Deployment Day
February 2004 (Colin 5 weeks old)

Here is where we were one year ago . . .

Colin and I at the cemetery . . . he is 11 months old.

And last week . . .

My mom put the Christmas tree up last night and got a little help. He has not pulled too many ornaments off the tree. He did find one that looked like a sucker and tried to eat it though.

I don't know much about what was said at the memorial held in Iraq, but here are a few photos.

I am so exhausted! Today begins a long 24 hours for me. The rosary will be tonight, visitation, and the funeral tomorrow. I look forward to seeing so many familiar faces but wish it were under different circumstances.

A year ago yesterday, I got up and got dressed to go see Sean. I wanted to look nice for him . . . so many times I had thought about what I wanted to wear to the Welcome Home event. The reality was I would see him for the first time and then go to the cemetery to pick out plots . . . never imagined doing that at 30. I still struggle with the decision I made to bury Sean in College Station. It seems the most appropriate place but is that where he would have wanted to be? I bought three plots and buried Sean in the middle. It has me thinking lately about where I want to be buried . . . do my parents know what I would want? Do I really know what I want?

It causes me great sorrow when I go to College Station because I only go to visit Sean . . . we used to go there to hang out and remember the good ol' days of Aggieland. It is a sad and lonely 90 minute drive. I am tense and my blood pressure must be very high. While it is relatively close to where I live it seems worlds away. I wish I could go visit more often, but it is just too emotional for me. I hardly ever go with anyone except Colin . . . it is a place that I need to go alone. Colin usually lightens the mood . . . last time we went he took some scissors and cut some flowers off . . . oops! He thinks we are at the playground and climbs on the headstones . . . I know Sean must be laughing and shaking his head.

Making this decision to bury Sean where he is caused me more stress than any of the arrangements. It is something that we never discussed. A couple days after being notified I tried to think where to bury him . . . Arlington was an option but it was so far from Texas and we would only get to go maybe once a year . . . that did not seem the best option. I remember trying to bring up the subject before he left but who wants to think so negative! The only thing that I knew for sure was that Sean did not want to be cremated. One day he made an off hand comment, "Why burn if you don't have to?" . . . as odd as it was it stuck with me. At least I knew that for sure. I bring this up because one day we will all die . . . hopefully not anytime soon but someday it will happen. Take the time to express what you think you might want . . . where to be buried . . . maybe just the town or cemetery. No need to run out and buy a plot that is just to depressing.

I have dreaded this day, and I have no words . . . only memories. This is the Sean that I remember and miss every mintue of everyday.

Last year it was Thanksgiving Day . . . I could not wait to head to College Station and see Sean . . . so I could know for sure if what I had been told was true. We were all so tired but got good sleep. We returned the rental car and tried to find somewhere to eat Thanksgiving Dinner . . . I was in NO mood to be around people. We drove around for over an hour looking for some where to eat . . . not even McDonald's was open . . . we ended up at Super Walmart . . . yum, yum! Nothing like eating a sandwich in the parking lot for Thanksgiving. We then drove to College Station and got settled into the hotel we would live in for the next 5 days. I was trying to avoid going to see the Sims family but knew it had to be done. We made an appearance and headed back to the hotel. It was a little strange and I felt like everyone kept staring at me. I was very uncomfortable.

Most of our friends and family were arriving the next day . . . we had the entire hotel rented out so it felt more like a family reunion than a funeral which was weird too. So much happiness and "partying" going on that I felt very out of place . . . just did not seem like the right time to be living it up. I guess for me it was just a more personal loss . . . Sean was a huge part of my life for the last 10 years and he was not there.

Sean . . . heading to the top!

Me . . . good thing I don't have on white!

Walking around the town after a day on the slopes.

outside our hotel

Finally found that fireplace . . .

I think I just realized what I am thankful for . . . so many wonderful memories . . . I have learned that it is the little things that make life so precious and great . . . well and for all my friends who have been beyond words the last year! Thanks to so many who have reached out to me . . . it means more than you will ever know!

Today began the long journey back home. I had really hoped that I could avoid returning . . . like it would change the outcome if I just stayed in Germany.

The flight was awful! Colin had major trouble with his ears and to top it off the flight was fully booked. Thank goodness the Army bought Colin his own seat. It was so nice to have my parents with me to help deal with a cranky baby. I could barely take care of myself and cried off and on the entire flight. I gave my family very specific rules for my return. No visitors, no one at the airport, and no phone calls . . . no exceptions! I was not ready to face anyone. My main focus was seeing Sean and facing reality. Reality Bites! It bites real hard.

Since I had demanded that no one pick us up, we had to drive from DFW to Eddy which is about 3 hours but it was the day before Thanksgiving so IH-35 would be a mess. We decided to take the "back roads". It was a pleasant drive but around Crawford it hit me why I was really back in Texas. I wanted to be strong since my parents were with me . . . we were all exhausted at this point. I wanted to find the President's Ranch and tell him that I did not blame him for Sean's death. I wanted him to tell me he was sorry. I wanted to tell him about the last conversation my husband and I had the previous week. I am sure the Secret Service would have turned me away. I am not that stupid, but the thought crossed my mind.

We made it home and it was overwhelming. I had tons of mail and cards . . . I immediately started opening up cards . . . most I had no clue who they were . . . I would soon learn how wonderful the American people were . . . so many touching letters from strangers. I needed to get some sleep because tomorrow starts the final journey and saying good bye to Sean. I am so nervous to see his family . . . on Thanksgiving of all days . . . what is there to be thankful for?

November 23, 2004
I love this song! Mrs. Price (the guitar playing teacher who was across the hall) would sing this song every time a student would move . . . so we heard it often in the spring. I had to start preparing to leave on the jet plane, but Mrs. Price wasn't there to sing to me.

A few days after my news arrived I was overwhelmed with what to do with all our stuff. At that point I had absolutely no desire to return to Germany. I went to school with "my wife" and we packed all my school stuff. How do teachers accumulate so much stuff? I estimated it would take about an hour . . . five hours later we just stopped. I wanted my classroom to still seem normal for the students even though there was a major change. I left the walls exactly the same . . . I am sure the students would have loved for those prefix and suffix cards to disappear, but I really wanted them to learn them! We then headed home and did some minor sorting . . . hold baggage and household goods. I thought that if I just stayed in Germany things would change and there might have been some sort of mistake. I lolly-gagged around for 10 days before I realized I had to leave. Sean was already in Texas and we were not. Tonight Colin's babysitters and Murphy's dogwalkers came to say good bye . . . we all cried. They had really been a true blessing for me and helped me so much when Sean was deployed. I still hear from them and miss them. Tomorrow, my friend Patti (aka "bad mommy") will drive us to the airport for what was to be my last journey from Germany back to Texas. Little did I know then that in less than six months I would make three trips back to Germany . . . my heart is still there.

There are things that I miss about my "old" life . . .

. . . being a wife! I loved being a wife and all that went along with it. Ok, so maybe I hated to clean, but I sure miss cooking and having dinner together. It is different with my parents. Last night I made cupcakes for my students . . . it was so much fun! The kids really enjoyed them and I enjoyed sending them back to their teachers on a sugar high! Check out my little turkeys . . .


. . . I always said that I wasn't going to be one of those parents that used the TV as a "babysitter" . . . well I am so guilty. There are two movies that Colin just loves to watch . . . Babe the Pig and Fox and the Hound . . . both are so sad. I was watching Babe for the first time and it is so cute but a little scary in the beginning. Every time he watches he starts screaming at the beginning . . . after watching I know why but does he really get what is going on? I just realized that I have neglected to post a new photo of Colin . . .

. . . he loves when you read to him and even "reads" on his own. I know that the reading specialist at my old school would be proud. He loves board books and his favorite is Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? by Eric Carle. I can't get it out of my head!

. . . I went on a field trip with my cousin last week . . . it was probably my last! The kids were so loud and it was very unorganized. Maybe I was always a little too organized when we went on trips but then again when do 5th graders get to go on a study trip to Paris for a week! My former VES kids sure got to go on some amazing study trips . . . I wonder if they realize how lucky they were? If my students would have acted like some of these kids we would have walked out and gone back to school. It was hard for me to be a chaperone and not as the teacher. I found myself correcting inappropriate behavior but was afraid that the kid's parent was there and would yell at me . . . it has happened to me before! I really appreciated my old students and their behavior. When I arrived at the school, I expected to be "in charge" of a couple of kids but had zero responsibility . . . I sort of just tagged along. The actual field trip was pretty good . . . it was science related which you don't see much.

. . . have started working on Christmas Cards . . . they are very stressful for me now. Last year, I was getting a jump start when my world was turned upside down! I wanted to avoid the entire holiday season last year . . . Christmas, Colin's 1st Birthday, New Years . . . but one day I realized that it was not fair to Colin. Heck, I begged my mom to not even put up the Christmas tree. My life jumped to Colin being 18 and asking why there were no photos of his 1st Christmas or his 1st Birthday . . . I did not want that to happen so we put up the holiday decorations and went through the motions of being "happy". I am glad we did but I really don't remember much more than that. Colin was still too little to get it but the pictures sure are nice. This year will be different . . . never have I spent two holidays in a row without Sean . . . so the holiday cards are starting to come together . . . don't want to ruin the surprise but don't want you to think they are something magnificent. I wanted the message to be from the heart and still reflect Sean being in our lives . . . it was devastating last year to try and figure out how to sign the cards. It was too sad to write Heidi and Colin so decided to sign them from Colin. I think I am going to sign it from Heidi and Colin this year, but who knows my mind changes by the hour, but first we need a photo.

Gotta go rewind the movie . . . LOL!

They say that country music has a song for everything . . . so a few days ago when I turned on the radio the song went like this . . .

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,

. . . I quickly changed the channel because those words were like a sword through my heart! I became curious about this song and the rest of the words. I listened to country music for a couple of days to find out who was the singer so I could go to www.amazon.com to listen to part of the song and then buy it from www.itunes.com (you would think I get some kickback for all this advertising!). Well, here are the rest of the words . . .

Well, I am at it again . . . asking for help to contact your elected officials to help improve the benefits of those left behind. If you have a minute, click here to help . . . it is SUPER easy . . . really. THANKS!

This time last year my days have been occupied taking care of the many changes I had to face. I had to redo my will, new power of attorney, get a new ID card, decide what to pack in our suitcases, update my status in health insurance, sign more paperwork, and make travel arrangements.

The one thing that is a constant reminder of my "new" life is my military ID card. Nothing like taking a new photo just a couple days after you learn your husband has been killed . . . I look stoned! In fact it took me several months to figure out my status . . . I used to be a spouse but now it says I am an URW. I asked anyone and everyone what was a URW but no one seemed to know. I turned to the internet one day and found my answer . . . to the Army I am now an unremarried widow. Why can't they just say widow? I mean if I were remarried then I would not even have an ID card . . . I often wonder who comes up with these silly labels. I wonder what Colin's ID card will say when he is of age to have a military ID . . . URC. Guess I will find out in 8 years.

Oh, Great! Just what I need the "Sheehan Circus" coming back to town. She paid our area a long visit during August and now she is coming back to "visit" President Bush this week. I don't like to give her any more publicity than she already has but today she said something that I actually agreed with . . . how shocking!

"I miss him more every day. It seems the void in my life grows as time goes on, and I realize I am never going to see him again or hear his voice. I knew he was going to be a great man. I just had no idea how great he was going to be or how much it was going to hurt me."

I can completely understand how she feels BUT we do not see eye to eye on what she is doing to honor her son's memory. I disagree with the way she is protesting this war . . . I know she has a right but I think her son would be disappointed in her reaction to his death. I know that Sean would be rolling over in his grave if I was doing what she is.

In August I wrote President Bush a long letter about Sean and what Sean thought about his time in Iraq and the job he was doing. I asked the President to not give in to Sheehan's requests and meet with her . . . heck she already had her time to meet him after her son was killed. I want to meet him and tell him about Sean and his soldiers. I want to tell him about the last phone conversation we had and how much good Sean and his soldiers were doing for Iraq. I never expected to get a letter back from the President with a coin . . . maybe he did not read the letter personally but someone sure did . . . guess I need to write another letter today.

I don't want to write too much about the details of Sean's death because that is just too personal but maybe someday. I have read the autopsy report and have shared the results with no one. It is just too real. The report itself was very technical and thankfully I could only understand a small percentage. What I could understand was because of all the prefixes and suffixes I had taught to my 6th graders. They would always ask how they were going to use them in the real world and this was never a real life experience I expected. It was amazing to apply what I taught . . . breaking apart a word and figure out the meaning . . . almost like the SAT/ACT test I took many years ago but back then it was a guessing game.

One tidbit of information that I learned was the time of death . . . a few minutes past 1300 on the 13th of November . . . which was just a few minutes past 1100 in Germany time. So about the time the phone rang to give notification of LT Iwan . . . guess that funny feeling was a sign.

I followed a link on BlackFive called "Final Salute" . . . it gives a very good account of how a Marine has to do his job of notifying families of the fallen soldiers. I watched some and read a little but it was just too real . . . if I would not have experienced this knowledge first hand then I think this would have a different meaning. If you have time, I recommend you watching/reading a little. It does not matter if you are Army, Navy, Marine, or Air Force . . . the one thing that amazes me is how fellow soldiers treat the families of the fallen and what an honorable job they do.

We both graduated from A&M in December 1995. Sean left for the Army, and I went back to school to get my teacher certification. We continued to date long distance. I would fly to Columbus, Georgia every other month to visit Sean or he would come to Texas. Dating long distance was difficult but we managed. We had our ups and downs but we held strong and made it. After Sean finished his Infantry Basic Course he moved to Fort Campbell, Kentucky. My visits continued and it was interesting to be around the Army. Even though I grew up near Fort Hood, I did not understand the Army way of life.

I finished my teacher certification in December 1997 and moved back in with my parents so I could start substituting in Eddy. I flew up to Fort Campbell to visit Sean in February 1998. Our friend, Kara, picked me up from the airport in Nashville, and we headed for Clarksville. It was so good to see Sean as always. I was going to be there for about 5 days, and he had the weekend off for President's Day. He told me we were going on a trip for the weekend but would give me no other details. He had taken care of all the arrangements which scared me! We headed out for this unknown trip. Sean would not let me look at the map while driving or at the information centers when we took rest stops. I was sneaky and he knew me. He would stand outside the restroom so when I finished; right back to the truck. He was very secretive! After several hours of driving we arrived in the beautiful Smoky Mountains near Gatlinburg, Tennessee.

We pulled into a Best Western and checked in. We started unloading the car and heading to the room. The curtains were open and I told Sean they gave us the wrong room. He was confused. I told him someone was already in that room because there was a beautiful arrangement of roses on the table. He just smiled. We went in and I noticed the card had my name on it. I opened the card and it simply said Happy Valentine's Day Love Sean. Sean has never been a romantic or planned surprises but he sure did a good job on this. The room had a nice fireplace with a beautiful view. We enjoyed walking around the city and in the mountains. It is a beautiful area of the US.

It was Valentine's Day, and we had just returned from dinner. It was late at night but Sean wanted to go for a walk. He grabbed a small insulated cooler bag and we set off for a night time walk. It was COLD! We walked down a small stream stopping to feed the duck . . . I think I started to complain at how cold it was. We stopped at a picnic table at the stream's edge. He pulled out a bottle of champagne and glasses, popped the cork, and we had a drink. I am sure I was still complaining! He said we need a nice piece of chocolate to go with this champagne . . . I declined but he insisted. I opened to box and took a piece . . . he just looked at me. He looked in the box and pointed to a piece he thought I might like . . . I did not notice the candy but noticed a beautiful ring. WOW! He got down on one knee . . . mind in spinning . . . he is saying something sweet but I can't remember what . . . I tuned back in to hear, "Will you make me happy and be my wife?" . . . of course I will.

Sean's surprise ring had slipped of the piece of chocolate . . . he really put some thought into the entire weekend and that was very special.

Today, I did something bold . . . I called the Iwan family. I wanted them to know that I was thinking of them and was so sorry for their loss. Even though I was in the middle of my own grief and tragedy, I had no clue what to say. I told Mrs. Iwan that I "saw" her son everyday because his photo was on my refrigerator and every time I opened it he was there looking back at me. That exact same photo still hangs on the refrigerator today.

front row: LT Iwan, CPT Sims, 1SG Smith

I was amazed at how many people came to the memorial. I knew that this was one I needed to take the day off from school to attend since the 2-2 CSM died but did not know that I would soon have no choice but to go. I had to be there.

I had been told a few days after my news that there was another soldier injured in the same incident that killed Sean and that he was being sent to Landstul . . . they were trying to arrange for the soldier to call me so I could talk to him. I learned this morning that he was flying in with General Bell for the memorial service, and I could meet him if I wanted to . . . dumb question! I was so nervous. This soldier had been shot in the shoulder and seriously injured but he was coming to the memorial. What would I say to him? Would he be willing to meet and talk with me? He was my only connection to finding out what might have happened. He was just feet away when Sean was hit . . . if anyone knew it would be him. Could he provide me with a last message from Sean? So much to ask and I was so unsure if I would be able to keep myself together.

It was that time . . . I heard the helicopter landing with General Bell so I knew that Joseph was near. I was lead to another room where he was waiting. He had his arm in a sling and was visibly in pain. I wanted to give him a big hug and tell him that I was so sorry . . . I don't remember a lot of what was said because we were on the Generals schedule . . . LOL! It seemed we only had a couple of minutes but at that point time was so confusing. I told him that I wished him the best and a speedy recovery . . . I wanted to stress to him that I did not blame him for Sean's death but if he remembered anything, please contact me. After the memorial, he was awarded two Purple Heart medals for injuries he received . . . he was almost like a walking accident!

When the memorial was over I wanted to have a receiving line. I knew that this would be the last time that I would see most of these people so wanted to say good-bye. It was so touching that so many people from the community were there even some of my current and former students. My school had made arrangements for a lot of the teachers to attend too which was amazing. The school was so wonderful during this difficult time. When the last person came through it was over . . . time to go home. It was a long day and there were so many arrangements to be made. I knew that saying good-bye to Germany was near . . . I had no desire to return to Germany so needed to get our house in order so my friends could pack out for me.

I was able to have a moment alone after the memorial.

Colin never was a big sleeper. The night he came home from the hospital he screamed non-stop for 6 hours. It was not a very happy moment for us. It seems that some things don't change a whole lot, but it did get better. Thanks to my parents, Colin was on a decent schedule when Sean left for Iraq.

Our life was one big routine . . . it was hard teaching all day and coming home to take care of a baby. I could not wait for him to go to sleep at night so I too could go to sleep. Colin loved for me to sing, and I got sick and tired of singing the same songs over and over and over. I started getting creative with lullabies and liked it so much that I sang these made up songs every night. One of my favorites went something like this . . .

I can not remember too much that happened on this day . . . I remember that I sat most of the day in Sean's favorite chair and that I hardly got any sleep last night. The most important thing I remember is getting my sign from Sean. I knew that I had a mountain of paperwork ahead of me but one of my main concerns were my students. I was so worried about them . . . the first person I wanted to meet with was my principal to make sure everything was taken care of at school. So many of them still had a parent in Iraq . . . would they have someone to talk to if needed? Who would become their teacher? It seemed obvious to me that my substitute from maternity leave earlier in the year would take over my class . . . but the thought of having to give up my class and students was yet another devastating blow. I would soon realize that everything in my life that I loved was going away.

I had to be reminded of the basics . . . eating, drinking fluids, restroom, etc . . . I felt so helpless at times. I knew my parents were on there way to Germany so that would help deal with taking care of Colin. I guess if there was anything to be thankful for at the time it was that he was so young (only 10 months old) and had no idea what was going on but so very sad that he never got to know his father. Patti came home with the little green notebook and it began its life . . .

I have been trying to figure how to write about a newly formed friendship . . . it is not someone I ever expected to know. Just yesterday as I read her blog she too mentioned our friendship so let me give a little background . . .

When news got out about Sean many people emailed me websites that talked about Sean . . . one was a blog by Texas Bug . . . she talked a lot about Sean but I had no idea who she was or where she got her information about Sean. She was always very positive and kind . . . should I have known her or was she a stranger who read about Sean? A few days later I got an email from my friend Ginger telling me that a lady named Nancy was sending me a picture of Sean in his senior boots from Boot Dance . . . I assumed it was someone that worked at AR Photography (they took a lot of the photos at A&M events). I got the photo and was so glad to have it. I have always had a photo of Sean and his date to Boot Dance but never one of just Sean. For some reason, I kept the photo of Sean and his date all these years . . . it moved everywhere we moved . . . and with each move it brought me a laugh. I always gave Sean a hard time about it. It took me a few months to figure out who the sender of the photo was but it was just a light bulb kind of moment . . . now click here for the rest of the story . . .

So Texas Bug is no other than Sean's date to Boot Dance . . . for so many years I have moved her photo around the world while Sean's photo was stored away in her attic. Life is just strange sometimes . . . thank you Nancy for giving me the photo!

I am back home after a long weekend. I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I just wanted to say thank you to so many of you who sent me cards, emails, and prayers the last couple of days . . . I really appreciate you being so kind. Your kindness and thoughtfulness are what keep me going! Now, I am off to bed!

Sean is on the right pointing to the map.

Today has been no different than the last 365 days because each and everyday I have missed Sean more and more. For 52 weeks my life has felt empty and I still continue to search to be at peace. I really don't know what else to say today other than the obvious so I will say this . .

Sean loved serving his country, he loved his soldiers, and was doing what he wanted to be doing. The end result was not what any of us wanted or expected, but I think Sean probably would not have had it any other way. He was a true Infantryman . . .

My day began on a good note. Colin got great sleep last night and woke up in a great mood. The weather was not great but the roads were clear of snow. We loaded up and hit the road for last minute Christmas shopping in Neustadt. It was cold and clear outside, but I still drove slow. I got about 10 miles from the house and had a funny feeling. I continued to drive, all of the sudden there was a heavy snow flurry. A couple of minutes later something told me to turn around and go home. It was a weird feeling that I have never experienced before. So I turned around in the Diska parking lot and headed home. As I walked in the house, the phone rang . . .

I hate to admit what I am about to write but it is the sad truth. I had received many phone calls that were "official notification" through the chain of concern, and I always hated them, but today it really changed my outlook. Usually the first thing I would think is it is only a single soldier. That sounds so horrible . . . like since they were single their life did not matter. They too have family; mother, father, brother, sister, etc . . . I guess in my mind a married soldier with/without children would just seem worse.

I answered the phone . . . it was a couple of minutes past 11. It was Joy from the FRG with an official statement to read. It was your typical statement with the name, company, hometown. By this time the message had ended, I had to sit down and the first thing I said was, "that is my husband's XO . . . oh no he must be so upset." The official message was wrong . . . it had LT Iwan listed in HHC but I knew better.

LT Iwan was no longer a single soldier to me but family. I had never met him but had heard Sean talk about him. He would send Sean daily email updates of the company while Sean was in Texas on R&R. Sean really liked the guy. I was sick all day and worried too. What was my husband doing without his XO? How was he handling it emotionally? Was the company keeping it together? Were they being safe? I tried to figure out what to do . . . trying to find the address to the Iwan family to at least send a card and flowers but what else?

I was due for dinner with other wives of the battalion that night and knew the mood would be so different now. The battalion had already lost their CSM earlier in the week. I could not do anything but mope around the house and feel horrible.

It was almost 5, and I was hurrying around trying to get ready for the dinner. Patti just called and is running late so that gave me a little more time. I have everything ready and sitting by the door . . . the doorbell rings . . .

Shock! There are three men in their Class A uniforms at my door. My mind begins to become numb. They have to say nothing . . . nothing at all because every Army wife knows what that means. How could it be? I invited them in and sat in Sean's favorite chair. I passed Colin off to one of them. I knew two of the three and that made it somewhat harder. My entire body was starting to feel numb. I have never felt so numb and it is an undesirable feeling. My mind could not function . . . everything was a big cloud . . . I felt like I was talking but it was just a dream. I could not cry . . . I had to keep reminding myself to breath . . . I asked again, "are you sure?" Steven assured me . . . he had been Sean's room mate in Kosovo. I asked them to call my "wife" and Patti was on her way over already. My body was numb and starting to tingle . . . I started to breath very deep . . . I could not really function . . . I felt like a puppet . . . how could this be happening to me?

Jenny was called and Patti walked in the door . . . wine and snacks in hand . . . remember we were on our way to a dinner. The battalion commander's wife was coming down the steps with Colin . . . she looked at Patti and asked her if she knew why they were there? Sean and I had been friends with Patti's family since 2001. Her husband was Sean's boss at Range Control in Graf . . . we went to church together, out to dinner . . . yummy Thai Food! They were there as stand in godparents when Colin was baptized earlier in the year. Patti was one of two people I talked to all the time.

"My wife" Jenny arrived not really knowing why she was called to my house. She told me that she never thought it was going to be this. She thought that maybe Sean had been in a bad accident but never killed. Jenny knew Sean before I did . . . her husband and Sean were in ROTC together at Texas A&M. Jenny and I had some math and education classes together at A&M, but we never hung out together. We became great friends when our husbands deployed to Kosovo . . . we spent all our weekends together shopping (I miss H&M) and eating . . . talking on the phone for hours . . . talking about students that I had as 5th graders and she now had as 7th graders . . . she was there at the first doctors appointment that I got to see Colin on the ultrasound . . . my dinner date to the PX and food court. She was a big part of my life and this was a huge loss too. What we did not think about was how this was going to change out relationship. I lost so much more than just my husband. I lost my job, being an Army wife, friendships, but my best friend . . . it was so hard to imagine that everything I knew was over.

I wanted to know everything . . . how was Sean killed? I needed specific details and they were not able to give me that. It was very frustrating to know he was dead but not sure how. Was it instant? Did he send a last message to me . . . maybe one or two words? I wanted to know what time this happened, who was with him, was it hostile or just an accident . . . I continued to rattle off a million questions and got the same answer back . . . I don't know.

There was so much going on in my mind, and I had no idea what to do next. I needed my parents to come to Germany . . . it took me 5 hours to track them down, and they were on their way over the next day. How would Sean's parents be told? Should I call them? The next hours are a big blur . . . my head was spinning with information. I just turned it all over to Patti and Jenny . . . they would make good decisions. By now, the news had spread all over post and the phone started ringing. After my parents and Sean's family were notified, I sent out a one line email to or friends and family. I then went to bed to try and sleep . . . that last for about 4 hours.

Thinking of the Iwan family today as I do everyday! My heart goes out to you. If you would like to know more about LT Edward Iwan check out the website in his memory.

Another week of school has come and gone. It is hard to believe we have already finished a quarter of the school year! It is about 4 weeks until I get to go home to Texas for Christmas break. I need to do some last minute shopping. The crystal factories in Neustadt are having a big sale so that should work. I sure hope Colin cooperates with me. I have a dinner on Saturday for spouses at the battalion commanders house . . . I am not a big fan of these but my friend Patti is going so we will "suffer" together. So glad it is finally the weekend . . . haven't heard from Sean . . . waiting and reminding myself that no news is good news.

Two simple words say it all . . . THANK YOU!

November 11, 2004 at 10:44 am in Fallujah, Iraq

Terminator 6

Sean was always so excited when three things arrived at Camp Normandy . . . steak, beer, and ice cream. He loved all three! I am sure he tried to work something out when soldiers went to Camp Warhorse so they would bring steak back for their BBQs. He would always talk about how great it tasted . . . he probably had better steaks in Iraq than I did in Germany.

Good news! I am happy to report that SA 2424 passed overwhelmingly 93-5 a few days ago . . . this would eliminate the SBP/DIC offset that I wrote about when I was on my soapbox a few days ago. Now it must go to committee. Keep your fingers crossed! If you would still like to write a letter to your representatives it is never too late . . . this link is super easy . . . enter your zip code and the hard part is done for you!

In Memory of CSM Faulkenburg

Most people have no idea how Sean and I met. In fact when people ask I almost cringe a little but Sean was always quick to give an answer. I remember the first time we went to talk to the priest weh we were to get married. His first question was, "so, how did you two meet?" Sean quickly popped back, "in a bar!" . . . I tried to slide between to sofa cushions from total embarrassment. Well, he was telling the truth but here is how it played out . . . really!

Heidi's Story
It was January 1994, and we had both gone out to Denim and Diamonds with our own friends . . . me with Kathy and Sean with Dave Z. D&D was a night club/bar/dance hall . . . the night went on and I was bored being the designated driver . . . we were sitting around talking and this guy (Dave) came up to me and asked me to dance so I did. More boredom sitting around with a bunch of drinkers . . . this other guy asks me to dance so I did . . . we made small talk . . . this guy had no hair what so ever so I thought maybe he was a fish (freshman) in the corps . . . I went through every classification and this guy finally told me he was a senior. Whatever! The song ended and we went our separate ways. The night was finally over . . . 2am . . . we were about to drive away when I heard a knocking on my window. It was the guy that was a senior with no hair . . . he wanted my phone number so I gave it to him.

The next morning my room mate and I talked about this guy . . . I could not remember his name to save my life! I knew a couple of things about him from our small talk; senior, corps outfit L-2 (it was Hell Week so that is why he had not hair so he must be the CO), and RV (Ross Volunteer), but no name! So we turned to the Aggieland (yearbook at A&M) for help . . . for those not familiar with Texas A&M there are 40,000 students. We turned to the Corps of Cadet section . . . we narrowed it down to two and finally decided his name was Sean Sims. I am sure we should have been studying, but we were having so much fun! We knew his name but what next? I did nothing but wait for the phone to ring . . . after all he said he was going to call.

A few weeks go by and this guy still has not called me . . . I really wanted to get to know him. There was something about those 3 minutes we talked that made me curious. Kathy was out a few weeks later, and she saw him! She went up to him and told him that he never called her room mate like he said he was! I am not sure what else she talked about but low and behold he finally called me! It was early February and we went on a date . . . we went to eat Chinese food and catch a movie. I had a nice time and really liked Sean. He was such a nice guy . . . the rest is history . . . we continued to date and be happy!

Sean's Story
So Sean would tell the same story but in a much different manner . . . I am pretty sure this is what he would say! We met at D&D . . . I asked this pretty girl to dance and she said yes. We started dancing and I knew she was a terrible dancer. (I would interject that he was probably the once having problems since he was drinking beer). I asked her for her phone number, but I met this other girl that I was interested in (I would then say she probably was a bimbo). I finally called her when her room mate came up to me a few weeks later. That is about all.

Sean is the one talking on the far left . . .

Waiting . . .

1SG Smith and Sean
somewhere in the middle of nowhere
7 Nov 04
17:15

Well, I am awake! Just today I was thinking that my sleeping pattern is getting better. It has been two weeks since I have had to take any sleeping medicine and I have felt very well rested. As you can see it is well after midnight and I am wide eyed! I have been laying in bed for two hours listening to the iPod and catching reruns of The Amazing Race Season 2 . . . I love this show . . . anyone want to sign up as my partner in the future? I have resorted to listening to Christmas music. I knew that this week might be difficult but thought that sleeping would not be an issue. Boy is it going to be a long day tomorrow with Colin . . . better get his favorite movies ready . . . Babe the Pig and Fox and the Hound! Off to try to fall asleep again. Night Night . . .

Last night I decided to clean up all my files on the computers . . . I first started with my parents' computer. I used it when I arrived back home last year until mine arrived earlier this year. I stumbled across a Word document that had the Yahoo Messenger Instant Messenger achieves. I had saved them last summer while Sean was in Iraq, and I was in Texas for the summer. It was so much fun to read what we wrote about. I then remembered that I had not saved the archives from our computer in Germany. We had started using the voice conferencing but also typed . . . I am sure you can tell where this is going. They are LOST forever . . . I guess it only archived the messages for 30 days and it has been a year . . . one small piece of our lives together that is gone. It really caused me sadness but at least I have the achieves from Summer of 2004. I wanted to read exactly what we wrote about in our last conversation. At least I have a pretty good memory and have some idea . . . gotta get writing!

I had a hard time sleeping last night. While Sean did not tell me where he was going, by watching the news I knew . . . one place I hoped he could avoid during his deployment. I knew he was leaving very early this morning for the journey to Fallujah . . . my mind was so foggy. I was very stressed about the situation Sean was about to encounter. I tried not to think about Fallujah, but it was always in the front of my mind. I found myself on the internet a lot more searching for articles and any news. I knew they had many embedded reporters so there might be some media coverage. What I didn't realize is that the majority of this operation was by the Marines and 2-2 was a small percentage of the soldiers. I think that is what confused me the most. I never realized that 2-2 would be leading the way so to speak. I never expected him to be out front . . . I should have know he would have because Sean always believed that a commander should lead from the front and not from a vehicle. I kept telling myself that no news is good news. I would have loved to hear his voice but wanted him to stay focused.

Last night I talked to Sean . . . little did I know it would be the last time. Our conversation was strange. I did not know what to say, and I could tell Sean did not want to worry me. Ironically, we talked about voting. So much would be determined by the elections that were to take place in January. We wondered if the people of Iraq would turn out to vote. I don't know if I would have risked my personal safety . . . only time would tell. Sean supported the mission in Iraq, and he supported President Bush. He really thought that what he was doing would make it a better place. He often talked about the people he meet while out in sector especially the kids. He was so excited that he had just voted in the Presidential election while proudly serving his country in Iraq. I must admit that I was not that good. He really gave me a hard time about not voting. He kept rubbing it in that he was at war and he took the time to vote. I felt bad that I was living the good life and did not fulfill my obligation to vote. Sean was proud that he had done his civil duty. Of course we talked about our pride and joy, Colin, and Sean just wanted to look at him on the screen via the webcam . . . he talked to Colin and I cried. I always had the webcam fixed so he hardly ever saw my face because it was a very emotional experience for me . . . he was missing so much in the life of our little boy . . . he was growing so fast. I can't imagine how hard it was for Sean to not be able to hold and kiss his little boy and that caused me great pain. I know that he would do everything he needed to do so he could come home to us. I could tell that he missed us. As the conversation came to an end it was so hard to say good-bye. I always think the worse possible thoughts, but I never knew they would come true. I told him that we loved him very much and give us a call when he got back to Camp Normandy. He never did.

I started the day remembering that I had not sent birthday cards to my friends Kathy and Ginger! I used to be good about sending cards but the last couple of years my mind has been going ten different directions. I knew they would understand so I continued to do chores around the house. It was a school day, but Colin was home with something he caught at the CDC. Some know of my struggles with Colin's childcare arrangements in Vilseck . . . let's just say that they called me all the time to pick him up because he was "sick" or he was having a "bad day". The health clinic in Vilseck saw me at least once a week for all these illnesses and mysterious rashes. I guess I owe them a thank you because on November 4, he was home "sick" and had to stay out for 24 hours. If it was not for them, I would have missed Sean's phone call and missed the opportunity to talk before he left for Fallujah.

It was a weird conversation . . . what do you say when you know your husband is going to one of the bad cities over there? I know he was worried . . . his voice was very tense and he seemed hesitant to admit he did not want to go . . . it is what he did and he knew he had to do his job.

Our family February 2004 . . . Colin is only 5 weeks old.

(notice the picture behind Sean's left shoulder . . . our wedding)

I was always told to never discuss money, sex, or politics. Well, "benefits" (money) is a common subject on the message board. They are so confusing. Just when I think I understand them; they change. Please know that I appreciate these benefits and I am not complaining but some are just unfair.

I had a mound of paperwork to fill out when Sean was killed and thanks to my wonderful CAO (casualty assistance officer) in Germany, CPT D, most was taking care of . . . what wasn't was taken care of by my CAO from Fort Hood. This is what most would get if their spouse were killed while serving his/her country:

1. SGLI . . . most have the maximum amount. Did you know that many spouses did not receive this because their files were not updated and instead of a spouse and child getting the money a parent got it and did not "share" with the kids or spouse! Update those files NOW!

2. Death Gratuity . . . $12,000 to take care of immediate expenses such as a funeral. The government recently raised this to $100,000(thanks to lobbying) for those killed in action (KIA) or from an injury as a result of the war. If it is not a line-of-duty (LOD) or KIA then you only get $12,000.

3. If you have a child under 16, you and your child will get social security. It depends on the amount your spouse paid in but the spouse will get this until the child reaches the "working age" of 16. Then the spouses looses it until age 67 or whatever it might be by then. The child will continue to receive SS until 18. If the spouses works and makes more than $12,000 a year then benefits will be decreased.

4. DIC (paid by the VA) All spouses receive the same amount regardless of rank or time of service . . . $993 and each child receives $247

5. SBP (Survivor Benefit Plan) . . . this one is complicated. If your spouse had less than 20 years of service, you would receive 55% of the 75% base pay. Here is where it becomes unfair . . . if this amount is less that the DIC you get NOTHING for the SBP! If this amount is more then you receive the difference. It is called the SBP/DIC offset, Confused?

Scenario 1: If the base pay was $3000. 75% would be $2250 and you would be entitled to 55% of that which is $1237. So you would get a check for $244 (remember the offset of $993)

Scenario 2: If the base pay was $1800. 75% would be $1350 and you would be entitled to 55% of that which is $742. So you would get a check for ZERO thanks to the offset.

To make it even more confusing there are now two options to the SBP . . . spouse only or child only. If you chose spouse only the above is true but if you select child only your child gets the entire 55% without the DIC being subtracted until the age of 18, and the spouse forfeits their entitlement. So if you had a child in Scenario 1 your child gets a check for $1237 and for Scenario 2 your child gets $742. The child does not receive the DIC offset.

I know this is confusing and it has taken me almost a year to really understand. This is one thing this internet group has helped me with. I am also a card carrying member of the Gold Star Wives . . . they support widows and lobby on our behalf. They do not take a stance on the war because their mission is to assist those left behind. Thank goodness for them. There are widows from all wars so the age range is large, but we all have a common bond. Some of the GSW members go to the offices of Senators and Representatives to ask for them to get rid of this SBP/DIC offset. In fact, I write letters and send emails to my Senators and Representatives all the time asking for their support. We are a small group and our issue might not seem important to you or them, but we think it is important . . . our husbands lost their lives while serving our country.

I am not a greedy person, but I think that Colin deserves to be take care of . . . did you know that Colin looses his medical coverage after three years? Now, tell me that is fair? Sean would be so disappointed in his government . . . he died and his son was not taken care of medically. They still offer the medical insurance, but we have to pay for it. I do not think it is fair for a child of a soldier killed in the line of duty to have to pay for medical insurance.

I have read so many stories from other spouses that are barely getting by . . . this is why I am on the soapbox today. There are women with young children that are struggling to accept their husband's death and don't know how they are going to pay for rent or that next meal!

OK, I am stepping off my soapbox . . . for now anyway. If you are still reading . . . THANKS!

As a teacher Halloween was never a big deal . . . the day I really dreaded was the day after Halloween! All the little sweethearts were full of sugar they had been eating since the night before. I knew that once Colin got that first sucker the night was over . . . well, I was right. At the second house they put the bowl down and you would have thought he was digging for gold . . . he pulled out a sucker and was ready to call it a night . . . me too!

When I was trying to sew the costume he refused to let me try the hood on. I am happy to report he wore it for over 3 hours without even trying to take it off. I really enjoyed the evening. It was a nice break from what has been in my mind so much the last couple of days . . . November is here and my heart is starting to hurt . . . I can't believe in less than two weeks it will be one year since my world stopped.