Learning to Live

Last week I was in a department store wasting time . . . I got a laugh when I saw someone trying on a swimsuit . . . really in January. She must be crazy or something. Then it hit me, in about 6 weeks we are going to be having some fun in the sun (hopefully it is warm) . . . oh crap, that means I must put my pasty white body in a swimsuit . . . deep dark depression. I hate, hate, hate buying swimsuits . . . I like to cover my body and since there isn't much up top then I guess I will go with the oh so outdated tankini. Guess I need to start surfing the net and hope that Lands End has some cute ones that are reasonable in price.

Last night as we were in bed . . .
H: You know Colin you are starting a new school on Friday. You will have new friends to play with, and learn new thing, and they are going to be asking you all about yourself. So let's practice a few things.
C: Okay
H: What is your name?
C: Colin Sims Patrick
H: No, you are Colin Patrick Sims
C: Oh, Colin Patrick Sims
H: How old are you?
C: This many . . . FOUR
H: Great, what is your mom's name?
C: Heidi, Heidi Sims
H: And what is your dad's name?
C: Sean
H: Do you have any brothers?
C: No
H: Sisters?
C: Yes
H: No you don't but where do you live?
C: With you at our home; you silly mommy
H: And where does Daddy live?
C: In heaven with the stars and moon
Not expecting much in the terms of answers I decided to probe a little more
H: And do you know how Daddy got to heaven?
C: Yes, that man shoot him and he die
complete and pure silence from me
C: I don't want daddy to die
H: I know honey . . . totally change the subject
Now I have never, never ever ever said one single word to him about what happened to his father except that he died and lives in heaven. Huuummm, now this little boy seems to know more than I ever imagined or has just made it up. I have always thought that I was 'lucky' that Colin was so young when Sean died but now I am beginning to wonder. And by the word 'lucky' I mean I only had to deal with my grief and shock that comes with this sort of news and not have to explain it to a child . . . I mean it was more than I could grasp and a child, man that would have been tough. Not sure what to think about this new insight but guess I will just see where it goes in the future.

Just now . . .
C: I want that!
H: Oh, okay maybe for you birthday.
C: No, I want it for my sister.
H: Honey, you do not have any sisters
C: Yes, I do.
H: Okay, what are their names?
C: Luca-Buca and Louis
H: Okay we will seen

Luca-Buca is his new cousin minus the Buca . . . and Louis is a friend that we just met.

Oh kids they sure know how to put a smile on your face and make the bigger issues in life seem like a grain of rice.

Today I had it all planned out . . . my morning sewing class and then an adult lunch at Panera Bread, yummy. I had been trying to link up with Erin since she moved to the area but it just never happened. I had visions of what I was going to eat and what we were going to talk about but instead I got to go see this . . . even better. He was just beautiful and I know I told Erin at least fifty times but he had the most perfect baby head and silky black hair . . . he was so tiny and just perfect. Of course I cried. It is just a beautiful story and now a beautiful family!

And darn it I missed meeting ABW because I had to pick up Colin. Soon ABW, very soon . . .

I picked this book up while Colin was entertaining himself with the trains at Barnes and Noble. There were two other boys there who were not sharing and when their parents told them it was time to leave all hell broke loose. I mean really bad and the parents just blew it off and did very little . . . Colin's eyes were huge and I was embarrassed for the parents. I mean if my child acts like that I pick him up and get to the car as fast as I can . . . then I sometimes cry in frustration. I wanted to pat myself on the back because at least (not yet anyway) Colin doesn't do that. When they left I sat in the one chair and picked up the book they were reading. Obviously they were not using it but I read the back and it had this checklist . . .
-Are you tired of repeating everything four times to get you children to listen?
-Do you give in to your children to stop the whining?
-Does your baby-sitter give you a discount for coming home early?
-Do you ever feel guilty or embarrassed because your children won't behave?
-Do you and your spouse argue about discipline?
-When you punish your children, do you feel punished yourself?

Well needless to say I answered yes to more than I care to admit so I bought the book . . . nice birthday present to myself since it was on my day we went to the book store. I loved the one about he babysitter and wish I could find one!

So what is this book?
How to BEHAVE So Your CHILDREN Will, Too! by Sal Severe, Ph.D.

I would love to hear what others think of the book.

Last week was long, oh so very long! I had a low point as a parent and my anger got the best of me. I needed help and it was a wake up call to get moving. I bought a book that has opened my eyes. Since the turning point, life has been so much better this week . . . Colin has been in bed and asleep by 8! I can not believe how much better we both feel and I even have time to unwind before I call it a night. It is a lot of work being a parent . . . a lot but I am learning to fix the mistakes I have made the last 4 years. Wishing you a happy weekend!

While sitting in the doctor's office last week I stumbled across an ad for an artist who does House Portraits. I remember when I visited a friend's house in Kansas she had a local artist draw the house they lived in at each post . . . I thought it was a great idea. I never thought that much of it but when I saw the ad I thought that is what I need of our house in Germany. I have done very well realizing that part of my life is over, and if I went back to live there it would not be the same. As much as I hate to admit it, I am finding peace finally. I then starting searching for photos of the house to send when I remembered Tom & Elva posting on their blog when they went on their trip around the world. It also made me think about the birthday present they gave me last year . . . it brought tears to my eyes when I realized what it was. When they went to Germany they went by our old house and took some photos . . . my rose bushes were just starting to bud . . .

This is one of them and the window is my kitchen window . . . I was truly speechless and full of emotion. I often look at it and remember . . .

Just last week I got an envelope from the girls (they were young teens who would come walk Murphy, practice their conversation English with me, and play with Colin) with new photos of the house . . . how very sweet of them!

May my 34th year be the best ever . . . my attitude is positive that it will be! I guess I look at it as the countdown to the big 3-5.


Last night I decided to have a little pre-birthday party for myself. I went to Austin this week to visit Tom, Elva, and baby . . . they gave me a big piece of real bufala mozzarella. Yummy, yum, yum! There was no sharing going on at this house. I grabbed a juicy red tomato and ate the entire hunk of cheese and tomato. So very good but my belly did hurt a bit. I used to buy this stuff more than milk and bread when living in Germany. I got an internal laugh when I thought about me standing at the commissary trying to decide if I wanted to buy the big ball for less than a dollar or the quarter size balls for a little over a dollar. I guess when there isn't a supply and demand issue you really think hard about which one. Now, it cost half an arm and nearest place is Austin. I can get regular fresh mozzarella in our town which is pretty good too but not the same.

Today I am hoping for an ice cream cake from Baskin Robbins . . . if my parents don't come through then I will buy my own! And Colin told me that since my arm hurt (it doesn't) he was going to open all my presents . . . I told him that unless he had a present for me to not get too excited. I did have one that Alex sent and he was overly excited.

Happy Birthday to Christy R. too!

I scheduled Colin to have his four year old picture next week. As I opened his classroom door this afternoon his teacher was holding him and told me she was on her way to call me. Oh great, it was visible that he had been crying so I figured he had been in trouble. Actually he had fallen on a piece of cardboard puzzle and hit his head . . . I looked and thought it did not look like a big deal . . . not that I would know what a gash that required stitches would look like but it was not that big. I got the accident report and off we went. On the way home, Colin told me "he had a great idea." He said it was not hurting that bad but blueberry cupcakes was the only thing that would make it better. By the time we got home it was visibly swollen so I am sure he is going to milk this all night . . .

I often get emails from people who knew Sean at some point in his life. I always love to hear how people knew him. Of course it makes me sad that most of the time these emails come as a result of them learning Sean was killed in Iraq. Regardless, it always warms my heart that Sean met many people in his 32 years of life . . . still can't believe he was only 32 and I am about to be 34. Anyway, as I said I have never met many of these people but always welcome the thought. I am a shy, reserved person and always nervous about these types of encounters.

Last year, I got an email from a friend of his that he attended an Army school with before we moved to Germany. He went to Georgia and I went to Texas before the big move. This school was in summer of 2000 and his friend did not hear about Sean until 2006. It happens with the way the Army moves you from place to place but no matter where you might see these people again you always pick up where you left off . . . I miss this about the military life. This time it wasn't that way. Instead Vincent was met with news of Sean's death just days before he himself was heading to Iraq. He finally emailed me last year after seeing the story I wrote in the book, The Blog of War. His email was simple but very heartfelt. He too was in Iraq and wanted to meet us when he got home. I wasn't sure but finally decided, why not. See I have really grown the last three years and feel comfortable with the idea now. Well, it happened this past weekend. He and Veronica were heading south on I-35 and going to pass right by our town. I invited them to exit and stop by for a bit. I admit that I was super nervous; what would we talk about; would it be weird? They have a son a little older than Colin. Colin loved having a boy around to play trains and trucks. In the midst of trying to entertain the boys we were able to talk and visit a little. I had a very nice time! All nervousness was out the window and I was totally comfortable with them being at our home. I saw myself in Veronica and listening to Vincent tell a story about Sean was nice too. I hope to meet up with them again . . . they are headed to Italy so will have to invite myself over sometime in the next two years! If you two are reading this, thanks for taking a chance . . . it was fun and comforting too! It has taught me to always be willing to take a chance . . . you just never know!

I had planned that 2008 would bring changes for us, but I never imagined I would make a big change just 11 days into the new year. An opportunity was given for Colin to enroll in a new school. I went and checked it out earlier this week and today I enrolled him. I was 'wowed' when I went to the place for a tour . . . I mean it was like night and day walking into his new room. I don't have bad things to say about the school he is at now but they were not meeting his educational needs (biggest one was a barely 3 year old with a 4 year old . . . that is a huge difference to me for them to be in the same room; and he would have been in there until August) that I thought he should be exposed too. I was hesitant for him to experience yet another change in his young life but I figured unless I took the leap of faith I would never know. In 3 weeks, he begins a new adventure . . . now I must write a letter stating he will be leaving his current school . . . I so hate this part!

. . . I would get a facial every month! Really, my skin is almost glowing. I just got home from an amazing 50 minutes of silence and pampering. I told you this was going to be a year about me taking better care of myself. I can't wait until February 6, sigh.

Okay at least that is my attitude for now but who knows how long this will last. My biggest 'resolution' for 2008 is to be a better parent. For a long time I have thought Colin was just bad but now I am realizing that it is not him but me and my parenting or lack of parenting. I am going to focus more on him. Of course this is what I should have been doing the last four years but better late than never. He is growing so fast and I have a feeling that 4 is going to be a fun year!

I have also decided it is time to clean out and donate some stuff. I have held on to just about every little piece of baby gear a kid could need. I gave some to the newest Sims but still have some stuff. I just hate the thought of parting with it but it is just sitting in a plastic box in storage. I am now at the point that it is okay to let it go . . . remember those maternity clothes? It is time to let someone else have it and me move forward.

Of course I should throw in that I need to lose some weight, exercise more, and eat better but . . .

I am not going to make some major huge change but I would like to be happier and have a friend to hang out with . . . grab coffee, go to a movie, sit on the back porch and laugh . . . so I am going to make an effort to meet someone that will make me feel like the adult that I am and have lost the last few years. At least I know I will have something to blog about this year. A few weeks ago a lady about my age rang my doorbell . . . she introduced herself and asked if I was Heidi . . . yes, I said and she handed me some mail left in her mailbox by mistake. As I shut the door I said, "hey you want to be my friend and hang out?" Funny but the thought put a smile on my face.

Then there are those unfinished projects . . . my oh my . . . of course I am about to start a new year long project with a quilting group (Civil War Love Letter Quilt) so I must get the group projects from 2006 finished . . . will post photos when done. I did finish the 2007 project.

Travel is a must since Colin is getting older . . . at least every other month we must go somewhere.

Save more money . . . live by a budget better . . . have been doing this but need to stick to it.

I know there will be more stuff to come up as the weeks zip by . . . Happy 2008 . . .