I can be very undecisive sometimes. I'm always very enthusiatic when certain things are going to happen. However, when it happens, I back off. I feet like giving up, running away. I don't know what is it with me. All I know is that I'm always highly doubtful with myself. I don't know why.

I'm not a born leader. I have neither the charisma to arouse people, nor am I responsible enough. I don't dare to take up leadership positions, for I fear that I might let everyone down. Yet, the flame of helping others and be someone constructive burns in my body. I want, but I don't dare. It's the fear that held me back, again and again.

May be my friend has a point--- my perceptions of serving is wrong. But.. what about those sayings? Such as: To lead is to serve, A servant leader. I don't know. Anyway, probably I won't be able to do a good job if I was one. The main factor is missing in me--- the ability to lead. If only the question can be answered simply by tossing a coin..

***
hmm. I think that good things and bad things happen simultaneously. Just like forces--- the action and reaction pair. When some good things happened, there'll be always some bad things happening. A twisted illustration of the economic term 'opportunity cost'. Sounds like I'm making no sense. Nevermind, hhaha.

Everyone has their own strength, something they are really good at. I have yet to find mine. I don't know how much I can contribute to the society. I didn't excel in any field up to now, be it in studies, sports, hobbies, anything. Everyone is made and cut out for certain things only, but what am I made and cut out for?? 'A' levels is only a year's time away. I've not had any ambition yet. I don't know what I want to do or what I want to be in the future. I have no idea how I want my future to be like. I'm just living in this world aimlessly, following through everything blindly, hoping someone or something will help me and lead me.

***
Am I asking for too much?

Live a day as if there will be no tomorrow. Only then you will realise how wonderful this world is.

My civics tutor told us today that one of her friends committed suicide by jumping off a building recently.. She said that she feel she has to take some of the responsibility, for she knew her friend were having problems, but didn't really find out how to help her. She added,' Whenever your classmates are absent, please find out why. Because she or he might be having some problems.'

I used to think I'm some paranoid who just think too much and worry too much and unecessarily. However, after hearing what my ct said today, I realised that I'm not the only one. Showing concern for friends is never wrong. I'm happy today.

It is impossible to give everyone your attention. However, give as much as you can, for you won't regret when something really bad happens.

hmm. Guess I've found some motivation.

Although it's pretty unrealistic, it can happen. Dreams can be unrealistic, because they are dreams. However, dreams can come true.

Everything will be hopeless unless you give yourself a chance. But many people do not.

A piece of advice given by one of my classmates:

'hmm.. u should settle down soon ya i mean, from wad i c, u focus too much on ccas, n u had too much fun in ur large social network.. so mayb its wise to put in more for studies. at least when studies is secured, u can haf fun without worrying too much ya..'

CCAs.. I'm so troubled with them. Guess I have to cut down on the time I spend on social activities. Rapture shall be the last concert I go till the end of promos. I shall seek for source of motivation to study as well. Although it's kind of weird to use the word 'seek', it works for me, somehow.

Someone used to tell me that there is no point staying up late at night. One can't concentrate well without enough sleep. And this is happening to me now. I've adjusted my biological clock. I have been sleeping at 12 midnight plus, on average, 1230am, each day for the past one week. It's much earlier compared to last time, which could be as late as 3 or 4am, even if there's school. Coffee has been my best buddy during these few days. Hope I won't get too addicted.

Anyway, I found a wonderful place in school for me to organise and sort out my thoughts. It's the rooftop of the canteen, the balcony-like area just in front of the huge school crest. You can see almost the entire southern part of Singapore there. It's pretty breezy up there as well. A beautiful and peaceful place I shall say.

Wake up each morning and smile, tell yourself that it's going to be a lovely day ahead.

I discovered something new today. I realised when I started to smile and wave to my friends more frequently in school recently, most of them will return me with a sweet smile as well. And this makes me feel good, happy. A smile can brighten up someone's day.. Very true indeed. Therefore, I shall keep up the good work, and brighten up other people's day with my smile.

A smile is the simplest gift you can give.

I'm tired. I'm really, really very tired. Sometimes I just hope that I'll break free from everything and isolate myself in my own world. Just 3 days is enough. I'm not asking for too much right?

I have been getting bad headaches frequently nowadays. Always have this intension to run towards some hard surface such as walls and bang my head on it. I don't know why I'm getting such bad headaches. argh. It's killing me.

Haha. hmm. It's all crap. Trust me. yup. Nothing more than a friend(although I wish I can type 'good friend' ..). Haha. What am I thinking. haha. Anyway all those meant to be some entertainment for the class. I swear.

Be happy with what you have. Don't ask for too much.

This entry is dedicated to my parents.

To mum,
You are the best mum in the world. I want to shout out to you that I LOVE YOU. Your daughter is one big loser who can never express her love for you verbally. Who other than you will get out of bed at night and cook for me when I wanted to eat something so desperately, wash my dirty and smelly clothes, make me coffee when I'm studying, giving me the sweetest fruits while keeping the partially rotten ones to yourself...and the list goes on.. Although I make you angry frequently.. I still got to let you know that I love you, I truely do.

To Dad,
You are the best actor in the world. You always seem so strict, so unreasonable. However, you are the one who cares about me the most, other than mum. Thanks for giving me the best environment you can provide for me to live in. Thanks for waking up so early in the morning to cook for me on the day of my competition. Thanks for all the gifts you bought me whenever you go overseas. Thanks for putting in so much effort in getting my phone repaired in China. Thanks for spending so much money, time and effort in buying my tulip bulbs and fresh tulips from Holland. I love you, dad. No ones else will do so much for me.

I thought of something today. Human beings. This applies to couples especially. They are just like magnets. Unlike poles attract, like poles repel.

If you are the lucky ones, you will be one of those pairs of unlike poles. The attraction is strong. The magnetic field lines can pass through pieces of paper and even thin pieces of aluminum foil. These pieces of paper and aluminum foil are the obstacles you two will encounter in your life. Together, you overcame them. These obstacles can't destroy the strong relationship between the two of you.

If you are the unlucky ones, sad for you. The poles are brought close to each other. However, the closer they get, the more they want to repel away from each other. The repulsion force increases with the decrease in the distance between the two poles. Of course, there are cases where you can force two like poles to stay side by side, or together. But everyone knows that although they are physically together, the magnetic field lines can never interact with each other. Eventually, the magnets weaken and lose their magnetism.

Which type do the two of you belong to?

Kind of thinking a lot recently. Got influenced by this friend. He once said something like, 'you should keep close touch with yourself, your soul. You must know yourself well, so that you can help yourself.' Can't remember the exact phrase. But it was something like that. Yeah. I tried, and realized it works. Thanks a lot to this friend of mine.

Learn to forgive. Forgiving is difficult, but it's the most beautiful gift you can give.

Seems that everyone around me has get down to studies now. Be it for A levels or promos. It's my turn now. My CT has really been a disaster. Never have I done so badly.

Nationals are over. And so it's another new beginning. Time to throw everything aside, reduce the number of outings I go, the number of hours I spent online and the time I waste in school.

I'm not the intelligent type. I'm not those who can score well even though he/she only started mugging the day before the exam. However, yes, I believe in hardwork. I did that once. And I did see results. Despite it's very tiring and can be frustrating sometimes, the outcome is significant. The sense of gratitude is hard to describe. I did not give up in sec 4. Certainly I'm not going to let anything ruin my life now. I'll continue trying, until the battle's over.
I have to thank Mr Kenneth Koh for his effort in burning me a CD. This CD has all his favourite songs, songs that accompanied him through his ups and downs over the years. He left me two messages on the cover:

'I've been through massive amounts of pain and disappointment, and through the years, these songs really helped me get through all of them... not just barely, but victoriously. God bless you!'

'Since I don't support privacy, I'm not giving you this disc, but I am lending it to you permanently =) '

I didn't know what to say after reading them. Touched. Thank you, Mr Koh.

I talked to a friend sometime last week. And I realised my theory of 'people living in different dimensions can never understand each other' is pretty true. If you are living in, say the 4th dimension, you really won't have any idea of the life of another person living in the 5th dimension. You can be very curious initially, trying to explore and find out more about the 5th dimension. However, as you get to know more about the 5th dimension, you realised that it is some place that you can never survive in.

Hmm. I hope I'm someone living in the dimensionless world. Because I hope to get along with each and everyone. Although it's very idealistic, but making more friends isn't harmful ya?

This determines his fate. I can't afford to screw this up. This battle is risky. I'm not sure if I can win, but for him, I'll try my best. What to do? He's my friend.

Think. Think again. Consider the consequences before you do anything. Be prepared for the worst.

Shuyu, YOU MUST WIN THIS BATTLE. Or else you'll destroy his life. YOU MUST WIN. YOU MUST WIN.. YOU MUST.. YOU MUST..

I'm kind of sad again.

My life has been in a pretty mess for quite some time. My lecture notes are empty. My tutorials are not done. I'm always late for school. I'm forever dozing off in class. I can't be bothered with the things happening around me. I've lost my motivation. I can't recall my purpose of living. I'm always wasting my time away. I can't concentrate during lectures. I..

This good friend of mine inspired me some time ago. I've learnt to smile whenever I can, though sometimes I just can't help it but to put up an expressionless face. I'm so sorry. So sorry for letting people down. They expected better things from me. However, again and again, I let them down..

I made a lot of assumptions in my life. One of the biggest mistake I made was to assume that the world I'm living in is ideal. Ideal in a sense that there're mutual understanding between people. They won't question you much for the things you have done. But I'm wrong.. I'm so wrong..

I don't understand. Why am I always giving in to others? Many people hurt me before, directly or indirectly. And I'm always choosing to ignore whatever they've said or done. Others may see that I've a heck care attitude, or, choose to forgive. Actually to be frank, I don't know what I've been doing all along. All I know is that I always feel numb when such things happen. I didn't really stand up for myself. I didn't dare too. And I don't know why. May be I'm scared of losing friends. I don't know.

I don't like cliques. I don't understand why people want to form cliques. So what if you have a few 'very close' friends? I know I don't have as many 'very close' friends like you do. But I'd rather choose to have a bunch of friends rather than just a few 'very close' friends. I despise people who think forming cliques are cool.

Sometimes, trying too hard will only bring negative effects.

I guess I need to learn to view things from a different angle. Sometimes, a change might not always be bad. It is just like changing a wallet.

You had no choice, but to buy a new wallet. This because the wallet you were using was in a very bad condition. It is so worn out that it can no longer carry your notes without crumpling them, your coins without dropping some of them. Your mum bought you a new wallet. She told you to throw away the old one, and transfer all your stuff into this new wallet. You look at the wallet, thinking that it'll never give you the good feel that your old wallet had. However, you have no choice, the old wallet can no longer be used, and you don't want to let your mum down by not using the new wallet she bought you. So you transfered all your stuff into that new wallet and carried it around. Initially, you dislike it. You dislike it so much that you refuse to see the positive side of using this new wallet. You tell yourself, "How can this wallet be compared to my old one? My old wallet is the best.'

As time passed, you start to get use to carrying this new wallet. You feel more comfortable using it. Most importantly, you realise that this new wallet has some good points that your old wallet doesn't. The new wallet has no holes and can keep your coins safely; it is bigger and can squeeze in more stuff; the plastic holder has a better texture and won't cause your neoprints to turn yellow. You think over again. Then, you jump to this conclusion that sometimes a change can bring you more good than harm. It takes time for you to adapt to the new changes. However, you understand that one shouldn't think just cons of the new changes. The pros must be considered as well. Sometimes pros weigh out cons.

Lesson learnt: think, think again, do not be bias, view things from a different angle.

Similar yet totally different. Which one is it? Do I know who's the person that always come into my mind? Which one? Confused. Frustrated. How can I ever get mixed up? I must be mad I guess.

How can things from two different dimensions ever meet?

Mr Tay once said that scientists believe that this universe has more than just 3 dimensions. If I remembered correctly, they suspected that there are 13 in all. This is really interesting, isn't it?

I think this theory can be applied to human relations as well. Two people from two different 'dimensions' can never meet. They won't know what the world is like in each other's dimension. They have totally different ways of seeing things and can never understand each other. Therefore, I guess if you can't get along with some people around you, may be it's because the two of you are from different dimensions. The reverse is true.

Is it what they called yuan fen, or is it just purely coincidence? So confusing.

I'm happy. At least for this moment. Happy things are happening everywhere.

I think I'm starting to like Jay Chou's songs. As in those sad and slow ones. My heart can feel the pain as the songs play. This scenario comes into my mind every time I listen to this type of songs:

Imagine you are alone, on this not so crowded bus travelling on those busy streets at night. You lean against the window and look out. You see couples, families and groups of friends chatting happily, playing joyfully. Next, you look at the seat beside you, it's empty. You look up, and then look around. Inside the bus it is so quiet, very ironic to what you see outside. Every passenger is engaged in their own stuff. You doubt they know your presence. You look out of the window again. Street lights, vehicles and people slowly start to blur. What come into your mind now are memories. Be it good or bad. You put up a little smile if the memories are good. Your face remains expressionless if those memories are bad.

Very beautiful, isn't it? May be that is why I like to take buses alone late at night.

Shuyu's kinda stupid. She has always been advicing people around her of what to do when they encounter various problems. She will speak of a lot of convincing stuff in order to give her friends some consolation. However she realised, that the last person who can do the things she say, is herself. Lousy, right?

Sometimes I really wonder, am I really helping or am I just creating more troubles? It is not the first time this happened. I'm so disappointed with myself. I've not yet grown up.

Think. Think again. Don't be so rushed.
Yea. The day I can do this will be the day I grow up.

Good news: I'll be the photographer for the NJC Band Concert this coming Wednesday. That's not the point, the point is, I can watch the concert for free. I'm cheapskate, I admit it. I'm really broke. Still considering whether I should eat with the class during Monday's class outing or not.

Stop talking so much. Watch out for what you say. You are not that good, so don't have to show off, even if you didn't mean to.

Only true friends tell you your problems. Because they care for you, and want you to change for the better. Therefore, treasure them. For they don't come easy.

Learn from your mistakes. Don't be disappointed, as no true friends meant to hurt you. All they want is to see a better, more acceptable you. Don't be ashamed to ask them to point out your problems, cuz they will never look down and laugh at you.

This entry is specially dedicated to my thrower ic, tk, for his kind advice =)

Shuyu is going to learn how not to talk unnecessarily. She is pretty talkative. Hence, she needs some time. DO remind her not to talk so much, as sometimes she just gets too carried away.

No one likes a too talkative girl I guess. =] so gotta talk less! Observe more!