Stuff That Makes Us Hillarys

 

Each time the heavens open, someone is gathered home, or brought to earth.  I've given enough to the heavens, so I took one from it.  One of my beautiful daughters brought the house down with a new addition.  She's perfect, she's loved, she's amazing.  Ginger goodness - is what her mommy said.  Every prayer was answered, every moment played out perfectly, and she arrived at just the right time.  I'm pretty sure I'm in love - and I can't wait to see all the amazing things her parents will teach her.  I know she's a part of all of the healing I'm searching for.  My grandchildren are all just amazing and I find myself many times in prayer - thanking the heavens for opening in such a blessed way.  Welcome to our family - you are magical and loved... This little ginger is now not an only child - because this Ginger joined the family...



When I was a little girl I would earn money for tending other people's children.  Funny, because I'm the kid that was/is afraid of being alone, AND being scared to death of the dark.  I would earn 35 cents an hour - and sometimes that was for 3-4 children.  I was fine right up to the point that all of the children were tucked in bed asleep that I realized I was in a strange house, alone, (well being the oldest person in the room at 12 or 13) and yes, it was dark.  I would flip the channels on the TV, make sure the house was clean and dishes done and put away - rooms tidied up - basically working myself through the fears.  But eventually reality would set in and I would become scared.  I've always been a scaredy cat - probably always will be.  I remember when my husband would travel for work for a week at a time several times a year - I would lay awake and just watch over the kids.  I know, weird.  After my children married and left the nest - when hubby would travel I would just stay awake all night - and try to take a nap during the day so I could then again stay awake again the next night.  I would have all of the lights on and the music on and the tv going..... I know, weird.  I don't think I will ever change.  I don't like to be alone.  I can't stay in my parents home now they are gone, alone - because it's an interesting home.  I'm pretty sure I'll need to cross to the other side before my husband does because I refuse to be here alone without him.

 

So, ironically, today I'm a sitter.  I work at a hospital in Labor and Delivery.  Some weeks we have a lot of babies and some weeks we are looking for pregnant women on the street to bring in to have their babies.  Ok kidding.  But due to scheduling we are called off out shifts and we have to use filler time off or we can be reassigned to another area of the hospital.  I've been in the ER and ICU as a sitter.  Sitting with patients that come in that are suicidal, overcoming overdoses, sometimes because of the effects of alcoholism, some from other severe needs that require 24 hour presence in the room.  We are required at my hospital to take a De-acceleration course to be allowed in these excessive situations.  Because of HIPPA laws I cannot comment on any patient by name or id but I can say that I've seen some pretty sad situations.  Sometimes my heart breaks, sometimes it makes me very angry at what people allow happen to their lives.  I guess I'm no different - being scared of the dark and of being alone, but there are more frightening things out there that people endure.  Today I'm sitting with someone that is withdrawing from alcohol.  This person can talk to me in random jibberish, but the words that I do recognize are fear, and home, and alone and darkness.  I watch them finally sleep - letting the medicine to help them work their magic on their mind and body.  It's a sweet sleep - no frantic fighting or fear of being left behind.  The need to be somewhere, the devastation that no one has come to find them.  Today is hard to watch.  I document things on a 15 minute basis - on a number system, vitals are taken, safety is an issue, for them, and for me.  Today I'm getting time and a half to be a sitter - a long shot from those years past.  But I find myself tidying up the room, turning the lights on, changing the channel on the TV, trying to stay awake.... and the fears of my past and my present are still alive in me.  When the darkness comes, this patient will be awake, fighting the fight to be released.  As I look at them sleeping now - they are beautiful.  They are someone's child.  No one would know the battle within from the peaceful sleeping human under the blankets.  I wish there was some kind of peace for them.  I take these images home in my mind and I have to file them away.  I think I'll stick with the babies... but now and then I need to be a sitter.  Because if I don't sit with them, they'll be alone.  Being alone is not something anyone should ever be.  If you're alone, I'll be there for you.  I might have the TV on, the lights on and be wide awake at 2 AM... but you won't be alone.  Take a minute and reach out to someone before they become the person in fetal position in the bed inches from me.  Everyone is worth it. 

 

Every electric bill is worth light, sound, and company. (: 

 

 

It's been a year.

I seriously think someone posted this

thought on Facebook just for me. 

(Someday when I read this I'll say,

wow - remember Facebook?)

(huh, and you're saying - remember Blogs?)

 

I have not survived this year with grace.

Grace is a gift - and I keep opening empty boxes,

or I think they are empty.

What I have found is that they are empty for a reason.

They are meant to be filled again.

 

So during this night I have considered filling

these boxes that are waiting to collect moments

of gratitude, and hope, and love.

and there they were,

all of them.

 

 

 

New babies.

New jobs.

New sacred places to rest my broken heart.

New friends,

New hope for better health.

New goals,

New dreams

New eras of life that need to be explored.

New reasons to have more courage.

New abundances of blessings only dreamt of.

New states where my children live.

New homes where they will stay close by.

New baptisms in our family.

New commitments to my faith.

New reasons to pray.

New friends to cherish.

More, of all the good stuff

I'm looking for.

New Grace.

 

Happy New Year

 

(Most excellent family of mine)

and

Happy July

Little Miss Big Sister.

So apparently, life goes on if you blog or not... but it sure makes for long periods of time unaccounted for.  I think that this week has been the first time I've exhaled since last fall.  I credit my family for holding me up and keeping my faith in many things going.  Lucky me.   I feel that a million years has passed in the last 4 months and I have failed the blog world.  I hope that the stalker from the Netherlands has missed me.  Never the less - life has changed a bit... and I have no pictures.  Just some random words.

 

I left the Assisted Living world as a Med Tech.  I watched my most precious ancient leave this world.  I held her in my arms and broke the news to her that there wasn't going to be any Cheese Puff Balls in heaven.  She hadn't moved in a few days, and she broke out into a smile.  She left that night.  I know she's happy.  I have watched so many of them leave, and I was getting heart heavy, so I changed my plan.

 

I took a giant leap and tried for my millionth time to move to a local hospital in Labor and Delivery.  This time - they wanted me - and I nearly had a stroke.  I interviewed with some of the most amazing nurses, they were tough chicks, but they had to be.  I sat in the waiting room with those interviewing that were 1/4th my age, and my heart sank.  But I put myself out there and honestly answered the questions asked and left it all in their hands.  The day I got the job I cried.  I never thought I would.

 

I spent the next few months passing off all of my certifications to be able to be an OB tech.  I get to scrub in with doctors and pass all of their lovely surgical tools, and see people come into the world instead of leave the world.  I've never been so scared in my life - but felt that it was always something that the big guy upstairs helped me with every single time I bring the blade up to a doctor.  There are some sad days, but I know of the plan, and I know that those precious ones that do not make it, are safe and sound,  I care for their mommies and comfort them.  We do need to have experiences in all things. 

 

This new chapter has consumed me to this point.  Every single spare day was spent studying, and scrubbing in, and passing off, and failing, and trying again.  It stretched me to the limits of who I am and what I thought I could do.  But it came as a sacrifice, as I felt I've let my family down with Grandma things and family things - with random shifts and required courses.  For this I have beat myself up.  Today - I have to let that go - and see that it is what needed to happen.  Things may... (carefully said) chill out and I can enjoy only 3 12 hour shifts instead of endless hours.  I wish my mom could have known what I've done.  I wish I could be more, but I am good with the present smile at hand.

 

Tonight - it's a long shift.  There are tiny sounds of beautiful babies from the rooms.  There are moms to comfort, co-workers to team up with, and needs here and there.  I work in a safe, warm, beautiful place of beauty.  There are babies to bathe, heartbeats to hear, broken water stories to tell, and Lorna Doones to snack on.  I have a moment to breathe.  To count my blessings of this hard earned goal, and to finally wear those really fun hard earned green scrubs.  I learn new lessons every time I walk into an OR.  I share those moments of joy, and I, perhaps am guilty of having a tear stained mask.  All worth the sacrifices.  I'm excited for the new little ones that will come into our immediate family and my extended family.  They are obviously going to be the cutest ones ever.  Blessings.

 

Perhaps the Surgical Gods will allow me to be forgiven for neglecting my family - and rejoice in new plans for this new year. The leap of faith was worth it.  It taught me something very important about myself, and it was a humble lesson to learn. 

 

Gown up, it's time to work. 

and so... the calls and tears of "I'm not pregnant this month" came to an end and the miracle of life began.  I watched my sweet daughter going through the heartaches of wanting to be a mom again and we shared those tears monthly.  She was grateful to be a mom to a handsome son already but her heart is so big she wanted to give more love.  This little amazing human being began his journey to earth.  Developing day by day and dream by dream.  I waited in the waiting room the day he was born.  Many nurses passed me by and handed me Kleenexes - and I assured them that they were tears of joy.  This little man came into the world strong and healthy.  This little man added to the tradition of the 'Merriman Men'... and oh such a handsome one he is.  So on this Grandparents day - I wanted to shout out to my Grandkids - all six - unless anyone has a secret... that you are magnificent - and grand - and important - and priceless - and wanted - and expected to be the best you can be in this life - by me.  "Every baby is the sweetest and the best"  Thank you big guy upstairs for sending yet another miracle.  Oh and thank you Mom - I know you held this one before he came - and put that gigantic butt dimple on his chin.  Priceless.  Enjoy Life little man.  You are loved.