Oh lookie - I'm down to just posting on holidays now.... sad but true, life has taken over. I guess that means that I'm still alive though right? The holidays are so sentimental to me - I want to do things a certain way for a certain memory I cling to. I fret about making it all work out and being able to cover all of the bases. Fatigue usually sets in and then I get down on myself - even for trying to do something right. This year all of my beautiful children and their loves will be at their in-laws for Thanksgiving. Here's what I love about that.... They have married people that have such amazing families that I know that if they are not with me, that they are in the next best place on earth as to people that love them. I love all of my kids in-laws - we hit the jackpot there folks. Such amazing people - busy raising amazing kids - and loving my kids along the way. Tonight my son Ryan's in-laws are here from California. Since my kids are all away tomorrow, we had a little sit down suppertime together with all of us and the Lowreys. There was plenty of food and laughs and noise, babies and love. There was hysterical skyping to WA, and at the heart of it, one sorely missed soldier that we love so much. It is good to know that tomorrow when they are all away, that I will have tonight's love in my heart. It is enough. Tomorrow my brother will host my mom at his house - I know that his home will be filled with her love and her sweet spirit. I know that she will be warm, and my heart will still ache for her and yet she'll have a wonderful meal and enjoy a perfect day. I am grateful for that. It is hard to not be there, but I know it's enough. I left retail world this year, I've missed posting my Black Friday shopping rant, but not the job. My new job allows me to come home at night, be it late evening or late late night... feeling like I cared for precious people who depend on me. It will be the first in 13 years that I haven't cried for 48 hours because of retail Friday... I will still work on Thanksgiving, and where I work now is very hard and demanding, but it is enough. This past year losing dad was very hard. It was the beginning of a landslide for me in more ways than one. I have changed in many ways. I feel that I have stepped into a dark room and I cannot find the light On this day - a very very busy day, being totally exhausted, and emotionally drained, I decided to go to the temple first thing this morning before it closed early. There I felt like there was a tiny bit of love left in my heart to perhaps start over. I hope it's enough. I have had a lot of crazy thoughts on face book just for fun this year - it's how I hide my pain - just laughing... but when all is said and done - my family is my life, my loves. I see them and I say - wow - did I do enough, give them enough, and show them enough to pass on some good things to them? As I write this I think... it was enough. They, and their families, are the most amazing human beings I know. Hang on tight kids. Don't forget the good things about life. Show gratitude in all things. Be humble in your doings. Always love each other, always know you are loved. Remember all I taught you, and forgive me for what I didn't - but most of all remember what you watched me do and pass that on. I will miss you tomorrow but my heart is happy.... and if you all got a copy of the spread sheet Mandy has put together for 'Holidays - here or there' representing the next 10 years ... I'll see you around the table next year, and we'll kill the fatted turkey. ... and that will be enough.
