Home Grown Love

Just a quick reminder to enter the contest for a give-away, as a token of thanks to my faithful readers.  You can enter here by leaving a comment.  The winner will be chosen tomorrow, though I won't have a chance to blog until later in the evening.

Wishing you all a Happy New Year celebration.  I have lots to share about our week of holidays but no time right now.  Until then!

Merry Christmas Eve everyone!  I know that everyone will be busy with family over the next few days, so I wanted to send my greetings out today.  My thoughts are with those of you who are holding new little ones in your arms this very special Christmas.  Savor and treasure every moment!  For those who are awaiting the arrival of a bundle of joy, sit back and relax, knowing that your life will be forever changed in a few short days/weeks/months.  And to those who are still waiting - like me - an extra special prayer goes out for you over this holiday that will likely be filled with both joy and tears.  I encourage you to read the Christmas story out of the book of Luke, but read the story before the birth of Jesus, about the birth of his cousin, John.  John was born to parents that were barren.  It's a miraculous story!  I pray for peace in your time of waiting, joy in the sorrow, and hearts filled with love for the things that have been given to you.  

Oh, and before I forget, I want to thank you for being my blog readers with a special blog give-away.  You have been there for me in ways that no one else has.  It has been so important to know that there are others who are going through what I am, and who understand what I write about.  I won't reveal what the gift is yet, except to say that it is handmade and (hopefully) will be beautiful.  To enter the give-away, just leave a comment on this post.  The winner will be announced on Jan. 1, 2013. 

Merry Christmas everyone!

Do you remember how much fun it was to make a wish list as a child?  My siblings and I would scour the pages of the Sears catalog (yes, the catalog), and mark down the pages that had toys we wanted.  We would watch TV and excitedly anticipate the joys of new toys.  We would make a long list and give it to our parents (we didn't grow up with Santa Claus).  So much fun!

I haven't changed much since I was a kid in regards to my excitement about Christmas.  Though I don't write out a wish list, I still keep in mind the things that I would really love to receive as gifts.  I'm actually not a huge gift person.  Don't get me wrong... I do love receiving things from others, but I usually appreciate the thought more than the gift.  I love it when I find the perfect gift for someone else.  But it's always fun to unwrap presents and get new toys.

So I thought I'd share what's on my wish list this year!  Since it's just DH and I exchanging gifts, along with my parents, there won't be a lot of presents, but it's still fun to wish.

1. An Everlane backpack.  Really I'll take any style or color.  They are so hip!
2. This cherry soda fountain dress from Modcloth.  I like this one too!  Actually, I could buy pretty much anything on the site... and I would be, if our bank account wasn't so close to the negatives right now ;)
3. A new fragrance, maybe Chanel, coco mademoiselle.  I'm not too picky about fragrances.  I have only ever owned a few that are especially nice.  My grandma used to buy me Charlie White, which I loved.  On our honeymoon I bought Clinique Happy.  I would love something a little more sexy to wear for that winter date nights out.

4. Boots!  Who doesn't love a new pair of boots?  I recently bought a pair of ankle boots for the city, but I would love a pair of knee-highs that actually look good on my short, somewhat squat legs.  I've had my eye on a pair of Frye boots, though I'm so cheap I would never spend that much money on boots, unless they were a gift.

5. Snowshoes!  I bought some for DH for his birthday last year, and we've had a blast heading up to the mountain with our dog.  We hope to go lots more this year and it would be nice not to have to rent them every time.

***Bonus Gift**
And of course, I would forego all other presents if only I were so lucky enough to receive one of these on Christmas day.


So, there is my wishlist for this year!  I'm pretty content as I sit here today though.  The snow is falling like crazy outside (I LOVE snow!).  We don't often get a lot, so it's a treat when it snows.  My turkey is in the fridge brining in an apple cider brine.  Presents are wrapped and under the tree.  I'm sipping on coffee with eggnog.  Not too shabby, if you ask me!  What's on your wishlist this Christmas?

P.S.
This is what I think my husband bought me for Christmas (or something along these lines).  Will my guess be right???  I'll report back and let you know.

P.P.S.  Stay tuned soon for a special Christmas give-away!

A frustration that has plagued me lately has been that of feeling like a failure.  I know a lot of girls who struggle with feeling like a failure because their body has not worked like it is supposed to.  While that is true of my body, I have never really felt defeat because of that.  I do not feel ashamed of my body.  I take really good care of myself, and I know that everything that is going on is outside of my control.

The failure I am talking about is feeling like we have failed in dealing with infertility.  I look at women who have struggled with infertility, and seem to have resolved their struggle quickly into the journey, even without having a baby.  They speak of not being bitter, of trusting God, of keeping hope, despite their longings unfulfilled.  We've been "trying" for over 5 years and still are in the thick of it.  I am bitter.  I don't have hope.  I doubt my God.  I look at women who took control of their fertility, changing clinics and pressing on to get answers for the lingering questions.  We didn't seek help for SO LONG, partly due to ignorance, and when we did, we meandered our way through when we could have been much more actively trying.  I do feel gypped off and like we wasted a lot of time.  I look at women who speak openly and directly about their struggles.  We've been so self-conscious in our struggle that it has taken us up until recently to share with even our closes friends.  I look at women who seem to have perfect relationships with their partners.  They work through the struggle together, support one another when they need to, and draw closer together because of IF.  We have struggled more in our marriage than ever before, despite the fact that we've been in the trenches longer and should have more experience in dealing with it.  I look at women who are able to pour out their love on their nieces and nephews, despite the sorrow they feel for not having their own child.  We don't even want to talk to our brothers or sisters over the holidays, because of the pain it will bring to see them happy with their families.

I never wanted to be this way.  I guess it hurts my pride.  I kind of pride myself on being able to do things well.  I work hard, and I achieve the things I want to.  I have failed in knowing how to deal properly with infertility.  I know, I know, there's not a right way to get through infertility.  But some people do it with much more grace than me!  I'd just like to look back and not feel like I have wasted my time and energy so much with nothing to show.

Don't worry, I have a happier post planned for tomorrow.  :)

Sorry to all who tried to read my previous post and weren't able to.  I accidentally changed a setting that denied permission to my blog, but it has now been fixed, so happy reading!!!!

I thought I'd share about the diet DH and I have been on this past month.  My doctor suggested I try a month of removing all grains from my diet, both to help with weight loss and bloating.  This is stricter than just going gluten free; it means no rice, no whole grains, no quinoa, no corn products. Basically, you eat meat, fruits & vegetables, and fats (eggs, nuts, etc.).  You're not supposed to eat much dairy but we didn't give it up completely.  We had yogurt for breakfast some days, and I still kept drinking tea/coffee with cream or milk.  We did this for a month!  I am actually surprised that it was not that hard.  The first few days we had crazy carb cravings, but after that, it became enjoyable to eat paleo.  We had 2 cheat days (one for Chinese food in Vancouver...yum, and one for pizza...bad idea) but otherwise stuck pretty close.  Towards the end I did crave in and partake in the Christmas baking that is floating around everywhere!  So I really don't know if the results are "true" results but this is what I DID notice:

I didn't notice that my stomach bloating went away; however I did notice that one the days where we ate a lot of garlic or onions with the meal, my bloating was worse.  For me, that confirmed that I have a sensitivity to garlic, which I have long suspected as both my mom and my grandpa do too.  I also noticed that a lot of my "puffiness" (face, stomach) seemed to die down.  I noticed more energy through the day.  And a total of 3 people around me commented on my glowing skin!  All in all this month, I think I've lost 6lbs.  I have been exercising daily (an hour walk with the dog or the gym) so I may have put on more muscle too. 

So, in case anyone is interested, I thought I'd share some of the yummy meals we ate.

For breakfast, we normally had yogurt with paleo crunch (like a granola made with nuts), eggs (in all shapes and sizes), or grilled kale and sausage (so yummy!).

For lunch, we had leftovers or soups.  I tried gluten free bread at the beginning, but I just don't like it so it's not worth caving into. 

And these are some of the dinners we enjoyed!

Paleo chocolate almond biscuits (for breakfast)

Turkey legs with cranberry glaze, acorn squash, roasted potatoes and salad

Veggie and sausage tomato sauce over egg noodles with beet slaw

Steak salmon with sweet potato fries, bok choy and coleslaw

Paleo crunch

Beef stew

Balsamic chicken thighs with paleo rice (sauteed cauliflower)

Korean beef ribs with spaghetti squash and lettuce

And finally, DH's breakfast creation: sweet potato hash with sausage and bacon, topped with poached egg and avocado.  Heart attack on a plate, but SO YUMMY!

Wow, I have been too busy to check into blogland for a while here.  How can I be semi-unemployed and still so busy?  I'll write on that another day.  I will say that logging in today was nice, but a bit disheartening.  Pretty much all of the bloggers that preceded me (the first bloggers I met on here), have kids!  Some through adoption, some through A.R.T., and quite a few by surprise, naturally!  Now that should be encouraging to me, and it is.... but it is still difficult.  Why God?  When will it be MY turn?  Or what if I'm not going to have a turn and I'm holding onto false hope for nothing!  Anyways, that's my little rant for today.

I realized that I still have not submitted an entry for this year's Creme de la Creme contest.  I looked through my blogs, and I have 4 contenders.  I've posted them below and I'd LOVE IT if you'd take a look over and let me know if any of these 4 spoke clearly to you, or which one you found the best written.

Surviving the Holidays

This is ME!

The "What ifs" of an IF's Journey

Sex, money, kids and... weight gain?

Thank you for your support and for checking in on my blog!  One of these days I'll get around to doing a proper thank you to you all (hmm... maybe a contest is in order!)

It's been busy over the last little while!  Whew.  I keep wanting to post, but never have quite enough time to sit and leisurely write a post as I'd like to. 

The past few weeks since our diagnosis have been hard.  For me, I think I quickly came to a stage of acceptance in the grieving cycle.  It was like having this in place allowed me to finally reach that point.  I still feel hopeful that it is possible for us to have a child of our own.  But if not, I am actually excited to begin the adoption process.

My husband, on the other hand, is having a harder time with the news.  I think it's like he put off grieving about our infertility until now, and it has hit him big time.  So, that hasn't been the "easiest" to deal with.  Christmas doesn't really feel festive or enjoyable right now. 

We have some holiday time booked over Christmas, but don't really have any money to spend or anywhere to go.  We signed up to host International students for the second semester of school starting at the end of January.  I was offered a job (which I'll write more about later) and likely will accept it.  DH's brother is getting married January 12th in Seattle, so we'll be heading out then as well.  And Christmas is almost two weeks away. 

There is lots going on, and lots of decisions to be made.  Of course I'd like all the loose ends tied up nicely, but I don't always get my way :)  So, I'll keep taking it a day at a time, doing the best I can. 

Oh, I am feeling better on this cleanse/paleo diet.  DH lost almost 10lbs in the first 2 weeks (how DO guys lose weight so quickly), and I was down 4lbs until we went away last weekend and ate way too much food!  Still, it feels encouraging.  My mom even told me my butt was disappearing, haha!  I'm excited to get back into shape and ring in the New Year, which I really, really hope will be better than 2012.

Just wanted to quickly say thank you to everyone for your kind and helpful comments so far.  I am not so much upset with the diagnosis, as I am trying to process finally actually having a diagnosis after so many years.  I think I'm still in a bit of shock with it all, but I'll update some more once I catch my breath.  I am scheduling an appointment with my naturopathic doctor as soon as I can too!  I'll write more soon, but thank you for the support.  I knew I could count on you.

I received a phone call today from my RE.  Remember how I had some blood work updated a while ago?  I saw the results online, but nothing really stood out except my white blood cells and platelets, which are always low.  I even briefly spoke to my MD about it at my annual visit, but nothing came up.  So when the RE wanted to speak to me about it, I assumed it was just normal protocol.

Except it wasn't.

Tonight I found out that I have premature ovarian aging.  My FSH is elevated beyond what it should be for someone my age.  This means that my eggs are "older" than they should be for a 31 year old.  It narrows our window of time for trying.  It also means that I likely only produce about 3-4 "normal" eggs per year, whereas a regular 31-year old only produces about 3-4 abnormal eggs per year.  So our chances are much, much more slim than the regular girls.  It also means that the quality of my eggs is not as good, and more pregnancies result in miscarriages.

That is all that I know about it so far.  I'm reading up like crazy right now.  The few articles I have looked at say that this is one of the most overlooked reasons for female infertility.  They also say that FSH is not enough to diagnose premature ovarian aging (POA, from here on), and that testing AMH along with FSH is a better detector.  From what I can tell, though, my FSH is quite too high.  It's at 11.8.  A year ago it was 8.8, which is still on the high end of the spectrum.  Other articles say that there are actually stricter age requirements for this test.  According to those requirements, even my "normal" test of 8.8 a year ago is out of range for a 30 year old (FSH should be under 7). 

My doctor said that it does not mean we won't get pregnant.  He says that since we are still young (how I hate hearing people say that... I don't feel young in this journey at all), and since I conceived once on IUI, our chances are still good.  He suggests trying IUI but possibly moving onto IVF sooner than later too.

I think I am in shock a bit.  I was near tears earlier, but now I find I can't seem to cry. 

If you know any other bloggers who have dealt with this, I would love to find them.  I'm not quite at the premature ovarian failure stage yet... though maybe that is around the corner. 

So it's been a bad day.  I had to go to the dentist and have my mouth frozen, go to the optometrist and have my eyes dilated, go for a meeting with a financial guy about setting up a will (borrrrinnng!), got this phone call AND AF officially came to town to top it all off.  I just guzzled down a Bailey's and hot chocolate, but I'm considering downing that bottle of rum in the cupboard...

Well, we've made it through the first stage of the holiday season - Thanksgiving (though ours in Canada has been long over).  Recently I was inspired by this post at Stirrup Queens, regarding how to get through the holidays when you don't feel like celebrating.  It's a good read, so check it out.

As for me, lately I find myself wavering between dread and excitement as we approach Christmas.  I'll begin by saying that I LOVE Christmas!  I always have and probably always will.  I think that it mostly has to do with loving anything nostalgic.  Christmas is the epitome of nostalgia for me.  I have such fond memories of being a child at Christmas time.  The traditions, the lights, the presents, the good cheer, the celebration of the birth of Jesus!  I can't avoid getting excited about these things even now, as an adult.  The trouble is, I appreciate all those things so much, and I SO WANT to share those memories with my children.  As each Christmas season has passed by, I have become more and more sad that we do not have a family to pass these traditions on to.  My hubby doesn't care too much for Christmas - for him it brings up memories of family fights - but I had hoped to change his viewpoint by bringing the magic alive to our kids.  Without kids, that won't happen.

Side note: I also always find a way to imagine magically becoming pregnant right around the holidays, and how we would excitedly break the news to our families while exchanging gifts.  I think that is my strongest infertility fantasy!  Even this month, I looked for "signs" of pregnancy and started wishing once again... only to have those hopes dashed when I started spotting today.

For me, Christmas is not just about surviving the work parties and the Christmas events for kids.  It's a mourning of a dream that I had to share the magic with my own family.  I know the dream is not gone forever, but Christmas reminds me of what we do not have more than anything.

So, what are my tips on how to survive if you're feeling the same way as me?

1. Be kind to yourself.  Really!  If you don't want to go out to a party or get-together, don't!  Your friends and family are adults and they will get over it if you don't come.

2. Try to keep the hope alive by embracing the traditions you love.  DH and I purchased our Christmas tree on Friday.  The farm wasn't even officially open yet, but they had trees so we knocked on the door and asked if we could buy one.  Our family always had a rule that Christmas decorations couldn't come out until Dec. 1st.  Screw the rules!  I wanted to feel better and decorating for Christmas makes me feel better.  At least our home can be cozy and special, even if we don't feel like celebrating largely with others.

3. Treats and drinks!  We are doing a bit of a healthy eating cleanse this month before Christmas, but I will have no hesitance at indulging once the break begins.  Also we have stocked up on our rum, gin and Bailey's.  We are not at all big drinkers/party people, but I find I can get through some difficult days if I have something to look forward to, like an Eggnog and Rum, or Bailey's and hot chocolate at the end of the day.

4. Have some fun!  There really is no time like Christmas to do some activities that really are pure fun!  Go ice skating or tobogganing.  Head out on an afternoon snowshoe in fresh falling snow.  Cuddle up with popcorn and a movie by the fire.  Volunteer at a soup kitchen.  Have friends over for drinks, just because!  Bake some festive cookies with a friend.  Build a snowman.  But a sexy new piece of lingerie and spice up the bedroom one evening.  There are so many wonderful things to do that only can be done in winter.  Make the most of it!

5. Remember that "Jesus IS the reason for the Season."  Okay, I know that sounds super cheesy, and that most of you are not Christian; however!  I do think we lose sight of what the holiday really is about and it helps to refocus on something outside of ourselves at times like this.  Go to a Nativity play, read the Christmas story, or just watch Charlie Brown.  A slight change in perspective can go a long way.

6. I also really like Stirrup Queens idea about writing a note to yourself to carry in your pocket or wallet for those really hard events to attend.  A quick trip to the bathroom and letting yourself have a few tears may be just the remedy!

7. Find ways to connect with your spouse or partner.  As hard as it is, and as sad as you may be, cling closely to the one you love.  This time is hard for them too.  Find a way to build new traditions together - just the two of you.  DH and I started a tradition with friends a few years ago of going for a night snowshoe on New Year's Eve and then back to one of our homes for champagne and fondue.  We have carried that on and it is so much fun!  Whatever brings you together - find a way to make it happen and make that your priority over the season.

How about you?  What are your tips on surviving through the ups and downs of the holiday season???

Remembering

Today is roughly the day that would have been my due date, had I not miscarried 6 months ago.  Today is a day of remembering for us.  I'm not sure what we're going to do yet, but I want to do something memorable to commemorate this life that was with us so shortly.  We may also start a new tradition of breaking out the Christmas decorations early to look forward to what is ahead (I do love me some Christmas!).  I keep thinking of what our life would have looked like if things were different.  I keep secretly hoping that maybe this month we will magically appear pregnant, just in time for Christmas.  I guess I just want to keep the hope alive.


 
Lately I have read a few blogs referencing being thankful for infertility.  I can definitely say I'm not there yet!  At the same time, I know infertility has changed me and I can't go back and erase those changes that have crept in over the past few years.  Infertility and me are intertwined.  

At the same time I wonder: Will the pain and sorrow of infertility ever be mended enough that it does not hurt so badly?

At this point, having a baby, or making a family isn't the answer.  I don't think the pain of infertility will ever be fixed.  I guess I thought up until now that eventually the pain would be replaced by something good.  Whatever that good thing is (a baby, a child adopted, or a reconciling with a childless life), I thought it would take the place of infertility.  However, I am starting to realize that infertility will forever leave a scar on my heart.  And in a strange way, I'm kind of glad for that.

I don't want our struggle to be forgotten once it is "over."  Whether I like it or not, the last 5 years of my life have shaped me into the woman I am today.  Those years can't be taken back.  They are a part of me, and will be forever.  I may not yet see the benefit in them, or the ways I have been molded and changed by the sorrow, but they have made me ME.

Part of my journey lately has been reconciling myself to the ME that I am now.  It's not who I expected to be at this point in my life.  I don't "love" all the parts of ME that this journey has brought to light.  But there are parts of ME that wouldn't have been brought to existence without this journey.  Does that make sense?  Yes, I am grieving the loss of the ME that I thought I would be, but I am also adjusting to my new reality.  This is who I am.  Right now.  I want to learn to love and appreciate this person as much as I did the former me.

Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends!  A holiday post will follow later (hopefully), but wanted to send out my good wishes to you now.  Since we've already had our Thanksgiving, we plan to get out the Christmas decorations this weekend and spruce up our home.  Maybe this will be a good tradition to uphold in the future, as a way of remembering what we have lost, but looking forward to more good times.

Happy holidays!

Hello and welcome to November ICLW!  I am Slynn and this is my blog: Home Grown Love.

My blog is mainly about infertility, though I am somewhat of a homebody and enjoy posting about home decor, cooking and baking, gardening, and other everyday tasks that I try to make meaningful.  DH and I have been married for almost 7 years (Whoa!) and have been off birth control for more than 5.  We've been "officially" TTC for the past 4 years and undergoing fertility treatments for the past year.  The past year has included 8 rounds of clomid, 3 IUIs, 1 successful pregnancy followed by 1 miscarriage, numerous ultrasounds, close to $2000 spent and countless tears.

Currently we are taking a break as we try to get my body back on track, save up some more money, start to look at adoption, and attempt to rid our lives of stress. :)

Emotionally, it's been quite a year so I'm slowly trying to pull myself back to my feet again and enjoy life with our without kids.  I hope that the focus of this blog in the future will be more about finding enjoyment in everyday (and extraordinary) events, and less about the depths of despair.

So, welcome, and feel free to take a look around!  I've been saving up posts for this week, so be sure to come on by again as there will be lots to read.

Here's us, being silly during a family photo shoot in the summer

Today I went to my MD for my annual PAP and physical check-up.  I like my doctor a lot!  She was in a bit of a rush today, so went through things quite quickly, but I know she cares and is very capable in what she does.  I'm happy to report that pretty much everything is "perfect."  Great heart rate, good sounding lungs, great blood pressure, no lumps or bumps anywhere they shouldn't be...all is well!  There were only 2 things she mentioned.  One is that I might have a yeast infection (yikes!).  I've never had one before and don't have any symptoms, so... I think the test will come back negative, but we'll see.  The other is - of course - my weight.  She encouraged me to get back on track and focus on myself and losing the weight.

While she was checking me, she asked me how I was doing and said, "You must be frustrated by now," to which I teared up.  Of course I am frustrated!  This led to a great conversation though, and I could tell she really cares.  She didn't have anything new to tell me, but encouraged us to work on accepting where we are at right now, and possibly looking to expand our family in other ways (like adoption).  She talked about her childless friends, and how much they are able to enjoy life and live it to the full even without kids.  I think she really thinks that if we just "stop trying" we will miraculously find ourselves pregnant.

I understand this sentiment.  I agree that it works, in some cases.  I would LOVE to be able to stop trying and trick my mind into "relaxing" in order to become pregnant.  It's just not that easy.  I can't quite quantify it, but the stress that comes with infertility is not like other stress.  You can't just bubble bath it away.  I really would love to do more study into this area to see what the psychology world has to say about it too.

Anyways, I appreciated her taking the time to check in on me.  And, at the end of the session, she even prayed for me!  She is a Christian and her kids attend our church so it wasn't weird at all.  I actually really appreciated it.

So, I left my appointment and went to the gym to burn off some calories, and then into the infra-red sauna for some relaxation.  DH and I are both serious about losing weight (especially because his brother is getting married in the new year!).  I know it will be hard over this next month with Christmas approaching, but we are going to try to do a month of clean eating (including no sugar) so then we can indulge a bit at Christmas.  My doctor also suggested I look into the paleo diet, since I have a lot of bloating that might be linked to grains.  She said that no diet itself works, but I might be able to find some tips that make me feel better.  We have friends who are huge paleo eaters, so I am going to do my best to try it out this month too.  Anyone done it before and have any tips?

Starting tomorrow it's ICLW so I'll be posting more regularly (I've been saving up).  Stop by to say hi and maybe meet some new bloggers!

Lately I've been questioning whether or not DH and I are even able to emotionally heal at this point in time.  We are SO ready to get on with our lives, to embrace what is next, BUT we just can't seem to get there.  The pain continues to creep in ever so silently at moments when we don't expect it.  I don't think we are fighting it, but we are just ready for it to be over already.

Maybe it's like having an injury to your knee.  After taking the prescribed time to let it rest and ice it down, you try walking again.  It's tough at first, and you can only go slowly, but you generally gain the strength.  So you try to go for a short run, but when you come home the pain returns and you feel like you are at square one.  However, you ice it, you treat it well and the next day it is better.  You really want to run, but you know you need to take it slow, so you do a short walk again.  One day your knee may feel fine, and the next day it might hurt again.  It's all part of the process of healing

That's how I feel right now.  I want to run so badly!  I want to be over all this pain, and questioning and confusion.  I want to be at the place where we've come to terms with our situation (whether that be adoption, or not having children, or miraculously conceiving) and we are in the next phase of life.

I think this is why I'm having such a hard time being around people with kids right now.  It's terrible!  Everywhere I go I see moms with their young kids.  It's probably because I'm usually out and about during school hours, so I only run into the moms with kids under the age of 5.  And every time, the only thought going through my head is, "That should be me."  It brings me to tears.  It's just not fair.  I feel like I should be at the point where I have kids entering into kindergarten right now.  I see myself as that mom.  The one dropping kids off at school, going home to be with the toddler, making finger paint and preparing kid-friendly meals, doing family activities on the weekends, tucking them in at night time.  And every time I see someone else doing these activities, my heart just breaks all over again.

It's not just about having a baby anymore.  It's not just about being pregnant.  I don't even know if I want to go through that, to go through the newborn stage and not get any sleep (have I mentioned how poorly I function without sleep?).  I just want a family.

I guess I feel like everything DH and I have worked for is pointless if we're not doing it for the sake of family.  Why do we have a 4 bedroom, fully furnished home?  Why have I mastered the skills of baking and cooking meals for more than 2 people?  Why do we have a car that can be loaded full for trips and camping and holidays?  Why do we have steady jobs?  Why do we live in a town that is clearly for people who are "settling" into life, full of family festivals, farmer's markets, and a community feel?  Why do all of our friends have children?  Why are we here right now???

Yet I don't want to leave this life.  Leaving would mean letting hope die.  I want to hold onto all we've built, for the hope that one day those empty rooms will be filled.  Is that foolish of me?

I'm feeling fed up today.  Fed up with appointments, and blood draws, and drugs, and side-effects, and doctors and everything...  And right now we're not even cycling!

This month, since my job ended, I've had more time on my hands.  So, I thought it was a good time to "deal with" all the other stuff in my life that has been put on hold due to fertility.  So, I booked dentist appointments, PAP and physicals, eye appointments, and even a meeting to make up a will.  I thought I'd get my yearly dose in a month and it would be over with.  It hasn't proven to be so.

First of all, I got my blood work results back.  Nothing is majorly wrong, but my white blood cells are low, my red blood cells are high, my platelets are low, and my iron is very low.  I'm back next week for a full physical with my MD and starting heavy iron supplements.  Plus my fertility doctor wants a phone consult to go over my results.  I just can't get a break!

Then I went to the dentist and was told I needed a crown on a tooth, and that they would prefer to have it done before the year was over.  So I booked that and went in (I hate dentists!), got high on the nitrous and had the work done.  That was a week ago, and since then I have had progressively worse pain  building in my mouth, spreading to my ear and head.  It gets worse at night and has kept me on Tylenol and Advil all week.  I went in today to see if the temporary crown needed an adjustment and the dentist told me that he thinks the nerve is dying.  So, rather than complete the crown next week, he is referring me for a root canal... more mouth surgery!

I still have to have my eye appointment, and complete our will.  I want a hair cut, but even that seems like a pain.  Appointments, appointments, appointments!  I feel like that is all my life is right now.  And this has nothing to do with all the emotional turmoil I am feeling right now (more on that later!).

There is more to life than this, right?
 

I'm having a "blah" day today.  Actually it started last night and has carried on, despite the fact that it is a gorgeous sunny, fall, day.  It started when my MIL called.  We didn't get up to the phone but heard the answering machine.  She found us a TCM doctor in a different city and called the clinic to see what days they were available for us to come in and be checked.  Let me rewind and say we NEVER asked her to do this!  Yesterday she called to tell me about this doctor that DH's cousin had seen about seasonal allergies.  She told me that we should go see him.  I said I'd think about it.  Next thing I know, she is calling to make us an appointment!

I have NO intention of seeing another doctor.  We have tried the most up to date medical interventions, done multiple tests, had acupuncture and visited TCM on our own... so I have no faith that another doctor in the mix would help.  The thing is, DH's parents don't know all about our journey and what we have done to get this far, nor do I really want them to know.  There is just a lot about it that they wouldn't understand and it would become too uncomfortable to be around them having them know certain things.

So that set me off.  I hadn't realized how fragile I was feeling, but that made me almost burst into tears.

And, there's more to vent about...

It has been a stressful couple of weeks for DH.  I mentioned before that he had to do this huge exam/oral interview for work.  That has consumed him over the past little while.  Fortunately, I have not been working as much, so I have picked up the slack with the dog, the house, and the people in our lives.  His exam was on Wednesday, and despite all his worries, he passed with flying colors (like I knew he would)!  By the time Wednesday was over, I was just done.  After a few weeks of walking the dog twice a day, making meals, doing all the dishes, cleaning the house, answering phone calls and emails, plus working my own job... I needed a break too!  I knew he would be spent and exhausted afterwards, but since the stress was passed, I hoped he would have a little bit of something to give back.   Or at least some acknowledgement for all the effort I had put into supporting DH.  I know he appreciates it, but I needed him to show me, or something!  

This is where DH and I have a problem.  I am not okay with his stress style.  When he is stressed out, he can only focus on the one issue at hand.  It's like he completely blocks out everything else in his life!  So dishes pile up, laundry is strewn all over the floors, to-do lists are completely forgotten, heck, he won't even eat unless I make him.  Neither will he have any energy to give back to me emotionally, or physically.  When he's had enough of his work for the day, he will sleep, or play guitar to unwind.  Not go for a walk with me, or sit and chat, or anything like that.  And once the stressor is past, he is too exhausted from not taking care of himself, that it takes him a good week to get back to normal.

So let's just say I'm super mad at him!  I don't want to be.  I want to love him.  I want us to get back to normal.  I don't want to be bitter or hold resentment, but right now I do!  Because I really don't think that his whole stress process is fair!  I know not everything in life is fair, but what do you do when one person's style of dealing with stress, just leaves the other person completely isolated and upset?  Will this be a battle we have for the rest of our lives?  Am I really the one who has to change... because I sure as heck do not want to, and I really think HE is the one who needs to!  I feel like for me to give in gives him the authorization that how he acted was okay and reinforces his "bad" behavior.  Can anyone else share their perspective???

Once again this year I will be participating in the 2012 Creme de la Creme put on by Stirrup Queens.  If you haven't heard about it, you can find the info here.

I need your help!  There was a lot that I posted about this past year.  A lot of heartache, a lot of questioning, a lot of hopelessness...but I need to pick ONE post that stands out above the others.  So, if you have a memory of something I wrote about that resonated with you, please let me know what it was.  You don't have to go back and find the post, but if there were any topics, or moments that you remember as standing out, please let me know what they are.

That would be much appreciated!  Thank you.

AF finally rolled into town so I called up my RE to do the check to see if I had cysts on my ovary.  At our last IUI he was worried that my follicles were measuring the same as the previous month and that they may have been cysts.  So he wanted to see me at my next cycle to check.  But, we didn't feel like going back right away, and then we were away, so I finally had a chance to make the 3-hour trek with a friend yesterday.

And... NO cysts!  Hooray!

I guess it was good to connect with our RE again, since it's been a couple of months (last IUI was in August).  I asked him why he thought we got pregnant on one IUI and not the other two.  Of course, he had no answers.  We talked about next steps.  We still want to take a little break, and with Christmas coming don't want the stress of cycling again too.  But I think we might want to try one more IUI.  He said that would be great to do in the new year.  After that, though, he thinks we should move onto IVF.    He said we are "prime candidates" for IVF; however there still is only a 50% success rate.  At this point, I just don't think we'll pursue IVF.  I would rather start putting money and energy into the adoption process.  But, we'll give IUI one more shot and see what happens.

I didn't end up having an emotional breakdown yesterday like I expected, but I felt pretty emotional inside.  I couldn't help but think that November is the 1-year mark since we first met with the RE and started this whole process of official assisted reproductive therapy.  Multiple trips down to Victoria.  Multiple rounds of clomid.  Multiple hormone swings.  Multiple pounds put on.  Three IUIs.  One pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage.  Multiple hours, and days, and weeks of waiting and hoping... for nothing in the end...

November is also the month that our child would have been born.

I told my friend on the drive home yesterday that if I had any advice for someone starting on the journey of IF, it would be to throw out all timelines of expectation.  Naively, when we started with the RE a year ago (after TTC and doing multiple other tests/interventions for the previous 4 years), I expected things would happen soon.  I thought we would try at least 3 IUIs and be pregnant within the 3-month mark.  I did not anticipate missing the window of ovulation a couple of times, missing a month due to the office being closed over Christmas, missing many more months waiting for our blighted ovum to miscarry, missing months while waiting months for the miscarriage to be over with and my body to get back to normal... so much waiting!  A year later, here we are!   All of that missed time felt like "wasted" time in my life.  It made me mad, it made me bitter, it ruined parts of my life.  If I had of known the waiting was normal, I hope I could have been more gracious to the process.

I'll be glad to have 2012 over.  It definitely was NOT the greatest year of my life.  Let's hope the year ahead will be better to us.

Just popping in to say hello.  This week has been a complete write-off!  DH and I ended up sick, and I was in bed ALL freaking week long.  Seriously, I went into work for an hour on Tuesday (for a client who did not show) and then missed an interview on Wednesday, a full day of work on Thursday, my yoga class in the evening, dinner plans on Friday and hanging out with a friend on Saturday.  I was sick, sick, sick!  It's been a while since I've been sick like that.  The doctor said it was bordering on bronchitis, but I saw him after things had somewhat improved so it may have been bronchitis.  Yuck!

It was so weird having the full week off and doing absolutely nothing.  So far with my time off, I've managed to keep myself busy.  And by busy, I mean doing things, but at a nice leisurely pace.  I haven't been bored at all.  This last week, though, I literally sat on the couch watching TV and slept in bed.  I didn't do cleaning or organizing.  I didn't cook or bake.  I didn't even want to knit or sew.  Pretty much absolutely nothing.  I really don't like doing nothing.  I feel like this week was just a waste of time...  I am really bad at doing nothing.  It's kind of funny, but even for my days off, I have to "plan" down-time for myself.  Otherwise I'll always find something to do.  I'm trying to break out of that a bit, so this week was good in a way.

I really have no idea what this next week holds.  I honestly don't have a single thing on my agenda (apart from my 1 1/2 days of work).  So here's to feeling better and learning how to do nothing!

I am sick this week.  Like dreadful head cold, sinus pressure, drippy nose, sore body sick.  I haven't really accomplished anything.  Tomorrow I have to go into work so I hope this is gone.

Happy Saturday to you!  I have been following along in blogland, but haven't felt much like writing.  Today I thought I'd share my random thoughts as to where I am at right now.

Overall, I'm feeling much better than the first week off of work (when we went away).  It was like we had to go down to the depths of our sorrow in order to come back out again.  This past week was nice. I just worked 2 days, and I thoroughly enjoyed the rest of the time off.  I organized the house.  I knit.  I sewed.  I went to the gym.  I connected with some friends.  I read and listened to some talks online.  I applied for E.I. (hey, why not?).  I realized, though, that I need to plan some sort of schedule for myself.  Even getting up at a consistent time makes me feel WAY better and productive in my days.  Today, for instance, we slept in (I've been fighting a bad cold) and threw off our routine.  We had "brunch" at noon and I just finally showered at 3:00.  That makes it feel like the day is almost over and I haven't done anything.  That does not make me happy.  I am trying to learn, though, how to be content even if I don't accomplish something in my day.  I have a hard time just "being" and I always want to be "doing" something.  This time off is a good challenge for me.

DH and I are slowly doing better together.  He is still super stressed out about a lot of things, but he is trying not to let his feelings towards me be influenced by that stress (particularly in regards to my family and all the new babies there).  We had a date night this week.  We worked to respect one another and be "in love" again.

On that note, I wish I could just get rid of the hope of trying to be pregnant once and for all.  Yesterday was CD14 (I'm not counting, but looked it up just to check).  DH and I were feeling intimate and had a good old time (actually, that's a few times this week).  I had to look up the day I was on, and when I saw that it fell within my fertile window, I could not help but get my hopes up!  I know they will be dashed once AF shows up... but it's like I can't help hoping.  Maybe, after 6 years of TTC on our own... 3 IUIs... one miscarriage.... it just might magically happen this month!  I know that is bullshit.  Go away hope, go away!!!

I am really liking my time off.  I have an interview next week (just for one day of work/week), but I almost don't want to go.  I think this time and space is really important for me right now.  I have been eating healthy and getting my body back again.  My emotions seem to be leveling out.  DH needs me to be there to support him through his stressful time.  Maybe things can just stay as they are...

Right now my time still seems full and busy.  I have a list of things to tackle at my own pace.  Once that list is done though, I don't know how I'll feel.  Maybe I'll just wait until then and see.

Has anyone else noticed there have been a lot of BFPs in blogworld lately?

As happy as I am for those people, I just can't help but think, "why not me???"

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Let's take some time to remember the babies who were born asleep, or whom we carried but never met, or those we have held but could not take home, or the ones who made it home, but didn't stay. Light a candle tonight at 7pm if you or someone you know has suffered pregnancy or infant loss. Break the silence.

I'm sure you'll be hearing a lot about this through blogs this week, but I just found out that Oct. 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  I think this is a great thing to bring awareness to.  There is nothing specific going on in my area on that day, but I want to make note of it, both on my blog and on Facebook.  This will be the first time I have publicly posted something drawing awareness to infertility/loss, but I think it is important.  I'll also light a candle in honour of all the babes that have been lost.  I'll let you know how it goes.

For now, happy weekend!

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to say a quick hello since it's been a while since I posted.  DH and I got away for a couple of nights this week.  I can't say it was the best "vacation" we've been on, but it included some well-needed rest and down time (even if that down time involved tears and being sad, oh, and a visit from AF...wonderful!).  We came home a day early because we were both sick and just wanted to be home.  As much as we needed the time away, I think being so isolated just made us both depressed.  It's nice to be home!

Here are a couple of pictures from our time away (it was a gorgeous place!):

Our tiny cabin

A hike at Helliwell Provincial Park along the bluffs

The bay our cabin was on

View from our front balcony (ahh!)

Happy puppy!

In other news....

We did have a moment of excitement (and tears) while we were away.  My sister gave birth to her firstborn, a little girl.  She arrived right on time, right on her due date.  My silly sister laboured at home almost the whole time alone... When she arrived at the hospital she was already 10 cm dilated!  As hard as it has been at times for me to see her pregnant, when it comes down to it, she is my little sister and I love her SO MUCH!  Also I am the older sister and I feel a bit of a protective role over her.  Having her so far away (Australia) has been hard.  So, I am now the proud auntie to a little Sidney Eunice (picture is below if you'd like to see her)!

I have to add a little note that her name is so special.  I didn't cry when I first found out she was born, but after I heard her name, I just could not stop crying.  The town we grew up in is called Sidney, and it holds so many special memories for me and my siblings.  My sis and her hubby now live in Sydney, Australia.  So the name is a little piece of both of them (and Eunice is my mom's name).  There is something so special about it that it broke me to pieces.  I think it speaks of how great a mom my sister is going to be, and how proud I am of her for doing this.

Also I am going to have another niece/nephew sometime in the spring as my brother and his wife are expecting their second.  That is a bit harder to take since they are lapping us once again, but more on that another time.

So, without further ado, here is my pretty little niece, whom I can't wait to hold in my arms:

Hours after birth, Sidney Eunice M.  I love you little niece!

I just finished the most stressful, tiring, overwhelming, horrible week ever.  But it's OVER!

I don't have much energy to write tonight, but I can share a few photos.  It's Thanksgiving in Canada this weekend (I know, seems WAY too early, right?), so I'm trying to get my house ready and embrace the fall.  Our daytime temperatures have been so warm and we've had solid sunshine for the past month (which is not normal in a place that gets so much rain).  I'm trying to enjoy it while I can!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Getting the garden ready for fall.

Walk at the beach

The cloths I made for my sister's baby

Yes, the deer in our city use the crosswalk (they are that domesticated...)

Fall

Gift from my coworkers

Pumpkins and flowers!

Happy Weekend!

Have you seen the movie Moonrise Kingdom?  Doesn't my dog look like a Wes Anderson animal character here?  I LOVE this photo!  It's a framer for sure.

Today I picked the rest of our apples.  We must have like 70lbs of apples.  So many apples...

 I'm in the process of sewing some baby burp cloths for my sister.  It's kind of silly when they are so cheap, but I wanted to make something else for her and this is something she needs.



Here's a snapshot on how I'm feeling right now:
- Must keep busy or I'll have a nuclear meltdown...
- Baby crazy.  Just want to cuddle and kiss a little one.  Lookout ladies at the grocery store... I may just have to steal one.
- Motivated.  Been to the gym 3x this week, in addition to yoga.  Plus I twisted my ankle (but still found ways to work out).
- No sex drive.  Absolutely zero libido.  Even last week when the window was open, I tried to make myself want it, but just couldn't.
- Fighting the tension of wanting to keep TTC on our own, but realizing that if it hasn't happened in 5 years on our own, it's most likely NOT going to happen randomly this month (and yet the hope still remains... go away hope!)
- I don't care.  Drinking as much alcohol as I want.  Not going to any doctor's appointments or acupuncture, or massage.
- Trying to be social, but then not wanting to hang out with people. Then being lonely.  Then forcing myself to hang out with people.  Then having an okay time but never feeling quite satisfied.  Then coming home and starting the cycle all over again.
- Wanting to cry but not being able to.  Not knowing what to cry about.
- Trying to figure out my "purpose" if I don't end up being a mom.  I never wanted to be just a "career woman."  I'm not free-spirited enough to live off the grid or go spend my life traveling.  How, then, do I be happy?
- Maybe I can fill up my days with housekeeping, knitting, sewing, drinking tea, and playing piano/singing.  Maybe that will make me happy????

Yesterday I had a lady I know tell me I was looking really nice.

The next thing she said was, "Well it's because you haven't had kids yet."

Really lady?!?!

Just because you're a fuddy-duddy mom of 2 (children who are crazy and misbehaved), and you've given up tending to your appearance, does NOT mean that only people who haven't had children have the right to look stylish and nice!  (In actuality, she is a very nice looking lady and usually very nice... it was just a stupid, ignorant comment).

Grr!!!

I'm having a "wanting a baby" kind of week.  I look longingly at every babe that I pass by.  I want a baby to cuddle.  I want a baby to kiss.  I've actually been cuddling my dog like crazy (don't think she likes it) just for some expression of my affection.  I'm so sad about it.  But again, I can't cry.  I just want to have a big long cry, and I can't.

OMG, I just cried at a Google commercial...

Have you seen it?  It's all these notes and pictures sent from a dad to his daughter, from the time she is born till she is older.  It made me cry because I wrote letters to DH from when we started dating until after we were married.  I gave them to him a few years into our marriage.  I always planned to write letters to my children and give them to them when they were older.

Stupid Google chrome toying with my emotions.  And I'm not even on clomid this month...

So, is there a handbook on how to go through infertility without it affecting your marital relationship in negative ways???  I really wish I had a 5-step plan to follow right about now.

Last week was really tough.  I flip-flopped back and forth and up and down and couldn't seem to level myself out.  On top of that I was sick.  On top of that DH picked up a part-time job (on top of his full-time job) while he is under the deadline of finishing a bunch of assignments by the end of September...  Basically, it was a recipe for disaster.

The blow-out took place on Sunday.  It wasn't even a fight.  It was just an "I've had enough of you and I need some space but since we're together we'll bicker it out" sort of episode.  Yet there were hurtful things said (more from him than me, at least that's how I remember it).  We've made up and everything is fine, but..

I always wonder if we are handling things "right."  Like, if we're going to need major amounts of therapy 10 years from now due to the patterns we've built up and the fallout from how we are dealing with things right now.  I don't know what is the right way to deal with things now.  That always worries me.

Basically, it comes down to the fact that I'm not my normal happy self right now.  I'm trying really hard to get back to that self that I was before.  I am working my butt off to engage in the things that I know are good for me (exercise, social activities, helping others) and I can put on the happy face and even expose a level of honesty about our struggles with some people.  But nobody knows the depths of our experience the way that DH does.  So naturally, when I have some quality time alone with him, I want to talk about how things are.  I want to wallow in the despair and have him meet me there and reassure his love for me.  I want him to look at me in my struggles and in my darkest moment and say, "Even now I love you more than you'll ever know."

But he can't always do that.  Oh yes, I know that deep down that is how he feels (or so I hope!), but he can't always express it.  Or his own insecurities or judgments get in the way and he expresses the complete opposite of what I long for.  I still trust him.  I still have faith in our relationship.  I believe that we will come through this together, and I hope that we will be stronger for it.  But there are moments of wavering on that belief.  And that is yet another "thing" that sucks about infertility.

Does anyone know how to contact other bloggers apart from their blog?  Is there an option somewhere to send an email directly?

If you're reading this M, your blog over at (http://alwayswishhopethinkpray.blogspot.com/) is no longer allowing me to read it.  It comes up with the message: "Permission denied.  This blog is for invited readers only".  I'm not sure if that is the way you meant for it to be or not... I just know that last week I could read it and now I can't.  Thought I'd just mention it here in case you didn't know.

Thanks for the kind comment and I'm thinking of you too!

Do you ever feel like you're just going through the motions of life, without any meaning?

These past few weeks I have been "good."  What I mean by that, is that I have not been sobbing in a mess of tears in my bed each night.  I have been going to work and doing a good job.  I've been hanging out with friends and being social again.  DH and I have been getting along great with no fights or tears.

But amidst it all, I feel so empty.  Everything I do is like a routine.  I do these things that I know I should enjoy but they do not provide any lasting fulfillment.  I'm not depressed, because I am able to get up and go out and have fun in the moment.  Just none of it lasts.

I've been trying to give myself time to grieve and experience my emotions.  I have purposefully not kept myself busy so that I have time to do what I need to.  I still have barely cried.  In a way, I feel like I have numbed over all my emotions.  The sad was too hard to deal with, so I've closed off.  I can't feel happy.  I can't feel excited.  I can't feel love.  We call kids who are like this "tuned out and turned off" in my field.  I feel like one of those kids.  I don't know what to do with myself next.  I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Or, as a friend of mine used to say: "Just keep swimming... just keep swimming..."

Time to knit

Homemade applesauce (apples from our trees)

Pecan caramel apple crumble pie (from scratch)!

Fall walks