Home Grown Love

Hi all!

Did anyone grow up watching Newsies?




I loved musicals and this was my favorite one.  I totally had a huge crush on Christian Bale.  Now isn't this Broadway performer a cutie too?  :)

I'm home alone tonight, and a little lonely.  I kept myself busy getting organized for my private practice counselling that I'm starting in July.  That is getting exciting.  I've kind of been burying myself in my work and spending time with my sister when she's around (her husband's mom also lives here too so they've been dividing the time).  She leaves on Sunday, and I'm finding myself panicking a bit.  I can't quite figure out why.  Our time has been fun, but not incredibly groundbreaking or exciting.  Yet I think I feel so "needy" right now and somehow I hoped seeing my sister would remedy that.  But maybe in a way it did.  I think that having her presence here was helpful somehow, but it's not even tangible or something I can describe.


I did get my period but we're taking a break this month.  Mainly because my doctor is on holidays :}  I'm starting to think it's not just coincidence that things never work out on my timing...  Maybe there is a reason that we have had to wait SO LONG and that things never go the way we want.  I just wish I knew what it was.


I feel like I had way more to say, but it's almost midnight and my brain is fried.  So, in closing I thought I'd post a few pictures of the finished quilt that I made for my sister.  I'm pretty happy with it (being my first one).  I almost want to keep it myself... but that's okay.  I'll just have to make another one!

And my beautiful sister with the quilt!

By the way....

Since when does ANYBODY want to see pictures of a gross stick that you have peed on posted all over Facebook????  

Why does anyone think that's a good idea?  Do you really want ALL of your friends and random people from high school and other places in life to see something that you PEED ON?!?!?

It's just weird... right????

Holidays are over :(  I can't say this really felt like a great, refreshing, fun holiday time.  I think it was still needed time off... but it's a bit disappointing when your only holiday time for the year, isn't actually a holiday. For the first half of the trip, we were both super sick.  Like so sick that I lost my voice!  And that was when all the events were going on with my side of the family.  It was still good and we created some good memories (had a fun photo shoot altogether).  There was a bit of tension and stress from DH.  Even though he knew that it was just the 3 days that my family was all together, and that he'd have the rest of the trip with his family, he was a bit grumpy about it at times.  But I understand that it wasn't easy for him to be around my brother with his baby and my pregnant sister.  Also the weather wasn't very nice (a lot of rain) so it didn't feel at all like a "summer" break.

The time spent with his family wasn't super eventful or exciting.  We did have one day just the two of us and we went to some wineries and had a picnic and enjoyed some time away from everyone.  I think we were both just physically and emotionally spent way more than we realized.  We wanted to have fun, but we just couldn't.  The nice thing was that I really didn't think of anything at home the entire time!  Not work, not church, not friends.  It was like I warped into a different world completely.  We still did the same things (exercised, took the dog out, ate meals), but that was our only agenda.  I think that was nice.

We didn't want to mourn or cry or talk about the baby we lost, though we still were really sad I think.  But it was annoying that absolutely NOBODY asked how we were doing or anything.  Maybe there just wasn't the space or time.  Or maybe we exuded the "don't talk to us about it" vibe.  I don't know.  Actually, DH told me afterwards that his mom was bugging him about how I was doing and if my health was okay and so on and he just shut her down completely.  After that she didn't utter a word (which amazed me!).

Now we're back at it.  My sister is still here so that is nice.  Work is busy and I'm back into routine.  I still feel like we just have this inability to enjoy things right now.  We're trying desperately hard to enjoy each other... but even that is hard work.  And when it's hard to enjoy the most important person in your life, of course it's hard to enjoy anything or anyone else!

As far as health stuff goes, I think AF is FINALLY here!  This waiting has been soooo long.  It has been 3 months since we found out we were pregnant and 2 months since we found out it was non-viable.  The past few days I was feeling weepy for no reason (I couldn't cry but I felt like I wanted to soooo badly) and I got so bloated!  I was so grumpy and feeling so fat.  DH took one look at my bellyand said, "No, I think AF is just coming.  You were getting skinny on the trip and that is totally not fat, just bloating."  Sure enough, this morning I started spotting.  Haha!  It's bad when your husband predicts your cycle better than you.

I'm hoping this is actually it and that we can get on the trying train again!

Please take a moment to send some loving to some bloggers who are needing it real bad right now.

M over at Wishing, Hoping, Thinking, Praying just lost her triplets ONE WEEK short of viability.  I have been following her since this pregnancy started and she has been such a source of comfort to me.  I can't
believe how sucky this situation is and my heart is just broken for her.

Also, Jill at Infertility Unexplained just had her first ultrasound and found an empty sac.  I know too well how devastating that is.  She could use some hugs and love too.

I'm still holidaying away.  It hasn't felt quite like a holiday, but I'm trying to make the most of it.  I think we have had way too much family visiting time for our liking.  DH and I haven't been seeing eye to eye and so it doesn't feel like "our" holiday together.  The weather hasn't been great.  And I think we are both still grieving more than we realize.  One nice thing is that I haven't thought about home or work or responsibilities once during this week.  I guess that is a nice break.  I just haven't had super "fun" on this vacation.  Partly though, I don't think I'm capable of "having fun" in the state I'm in.  I'm just not enjoying things as much as I normally do.

The one thing I really want to do is visit a winery and go for a wine tasting, or sit on a patio sipping a cup of wine and eating cheese.  DH doesn't want to, but let's hope he changes his mind and I get in the one moment of vacation I'm longing for.

My sister arrived from Australia yesterday!  I will be busy the next few weeks, but may end up writing if I need a vent from time to time.  For now, I will enjoy myself and get ready for our holiday (we leave on Friday).