Infertility is exhausting!
- Doctors appointments at various days throughout your cycle (that you can't always plan ahead for since your body doesn't always cooperate)
- Constant monitoring of BBT, cervical mucus, and other bodily functions
- Blood work at the lab
- Driving here, there, and everywhere for all the different appointments (doctor, lab, acupuncture, etc.),
- Baby-dancing whenever the time is "right" (mind you it's fun... but it is tiring too!)
- Crazy fertility drugs that mess with your sleep, weight and mood
- Exercising with what little energy you have to curb the effects of aforementioned crazy drugs
- Cutting down on, or completely out, caffeine in order to increase chances of conceiving
- Thinking, planning, and dreaming of the "what ifs" if this cycle were to magically work
- Exerting energy in disagreements...ahem, discussions... with those beloved partners of ours to make sure we're on the same page every step of the way.
- Tears, tears, and more tears when we feel alone, when we feel lost, when we feel discouraged
- Making up work days for time missed for appointments (the bane of my existence right now)
- Losing sleep over the excitement/anxiety/fear of the next step in treatment
- Trying so hard to just enjoy life "as normal" but finding it's so much more work when all that consumes your mind is infertility...
Can you see what I mean? No wonder my brain feels completely fried and I can't even answer a simple question while I'm peeling potatoes. I am spent. I am done. I am plain old tired! It's not just having to go through the grief and loss of infertility that irks me now. I am getting on with that. Now I'm just pissed off at how much more work it is for us.
This morning I was triggered. My mom did the deed. I was diligently explaining the instructions and when I looked over she had the medications mixed and was all ready to go with the needle. Love it!
Tomorrow is our 2nd IUI. I have 3 follies all ready to go (2 on one side, 1 on the other). We got pregnant the first time. Don't see why this one shouldn't be the same. It's game time!
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
Day 14 update
Just got back from another long day trekking out to the fertility clinic. We had to drive my friend back to the ferry, so the timing worked out okay (I had a great time with her this weekend).
The u/s revealed that I have one mature follie on the right (21mm) and two coming in on the left (15 and 17mm, I think). They took my blood to check my LH level. We had to wait a few hours while that was processed so we had lunch and shopped around a bit. We had packed bags so that if the IUI was scheduled for tomorrow, we could just stay in town instead of driving back again. But, no such luck! The LH had not risen yet. So, I was given Hcg to give myself a trigger shot tomorrow (eek!) and then we'll go back again for the IUI on Wednesday (which happens to be my mom's birthday... also it is exactly 5 months from our last IUI, which took place on March 1st... let's just hope this is a repeat with even better results).
I had told the nurse that my mom is a nurse so she could help me with the shot so when she was explaining the instructions she went through them super quickly. DH and I had thought we might try it ourselves, but I'm not sure I can remember everything. I'm not so scared of doing the needle itself (it's more a mind game I think), but mixing the powdered medication in the liquid solution is intimidating. I'd be so scared that I'd mess it up or something! So tomorrow morning, bright and early (7am), I'll be finding my mom to lend me a hand, haha. I think we'll still pack bags and try to stay overnight on Wednesday. I'm trying to arrange my schedule so that I can go in late on Thursday morning to give us time to drive back. It's missing a lot of work this week, but let's hope it's worth it. It would be nice to have a bit of time to settle after the IUI and not rush back (3 rush trips in one week is too much anyways).
Oh, and also the Dr mentioned that my endometrial lining looks great! Guess the pineapple and grape juice is working after all.
The u/s revealed that I have one mature follie on the right (21mm) and two coming in on the left (15 and 17mm, I think). They took my blood to check my LH level. We had to wait a few hours while that was processed so we had lunch and shopped around a bit. We had packed bags so that if the IUI was scheduled for tomorrow, we could just stay in town instead of driving back again. But, no such luck! The LH had not risen yet. So, I was given Hcg to give myself a trigger shot tomorrow (eek!) and then we'll go back again for the IUI on Wednesday (which happens to be my mom's birthday... also it is exactly 5 months from our last IUI, which took place on March 1st... let's just hope this is a repeat with even better results).
I had told the nurse that my mom is a nurse so she could help me with the shot so when she was explaining the instructions she went through them super quickly. DH and I had thought we might try it ourselves, but I'm not sure I can remember everything. I'm not so scared of doing the needle itself (it's more a mind game I think), but mixing the powdered medication in the liquid solution is intimidating. I'd be so scared that I'd mess it up or something! So tomorrow morning, bright and early (7am), I'll be finding my mom to lend me a hand, haha. I think we'll still pack bags and try to stay overnight on Wednesday. I'm trying to arrange my schedule so that I can go in late on Thursday morning to give us time to drive back. It's missing a lot of work this week, but let's hope it's worth it. It would be nice to have a bit of time to settle after the IUI and not rush back (3 rush trips in one week is too much anyways).
Oh, and also the Dr mentioned that my endometrial lining looks great! Guess the pineapple and grape juice is working after all.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Mid-cycle update
I have been itching to write, but haven't it's been a busy week. I have a friend visiting from out of town this weekend too, so I'll keep this brief for now (we're having too much fun!).
Went back to the clinic yesterday. It was somewhat disappointing. It just sucks to drive 6 hours (round trip) and not really have it worth your while. Still, it's all part of the process. Yesterday was day 10 (well, technically day 11 but I started my period late in the evening...I think the clinic got the days mixed up a little too, but I figured it's okay). I had an ultrasound and the Dr. said that my uterus looks great. There is no tissue left from the miscarriage - wahoo! He counted 3 follicles on my left side, but the biggest was only 9mm. On the right side there were also 3 follies and they measured 13, 13 and 14mm. I have never really paid much attention to the size and how much it matters but as soon as I have time, I want to google it. I thought that sounded pretty good, but he said that last time, at this point in my cycle, the follies were much more developed. Sooo.... he wants me to come all the way back on Monday to see how they have grown. That's not even the IUI. I'll have to go back again (either Tuesday, or later if I haven't ovulated) for the actual procedure! That's a lot of driving back and forth and a lot of time missed from work. For a 6-hour round-trip, it's hard to make it back to get some work time in. The Dr. doesn't even want me to do blood work or check my LH levels... he just wants to look at the follies.
I guess he knows what he is doing and the actual ultrasound shows best what is going on. It's just a bit of an inconvenience.
Also, I am so scared that I am going to ovulate early over the weekend here and lose all my chances for IUI this month! I never fully understood why ovulating early is bad, but I guess it's because the follies aren't developed enough to form into healthy eggs. Is that right? This morning I thought I had a faint, faint line on an OPK, but I couldn't replicate it all day (probably because I was so thirsty and drank often and had to pee lots). It just is going to suck if we make the big trip on Monday only to find that it's too late and this cycle is missed! Ahhh! So, trying to just take it a day at a time. This cycle has been so hard on the clomid that I really would hate for it to be a "waste," you know? I wish it were easier to manage all of the pieces that have to come together in order for this to work.
Anyone have any encouragement???
Went back to the clinic yesterday. It was somewhat disappointing. It just sucks to drive 6 hours (round trip) and not really have it worth your while. Still, it's all part of the process. Yesterday was day 10 (well, technically day 11 but I started my period late in the evening...I think the clinic got the days mixed up a little too, but I figured it's okay). I had an ultrasound and the Dr. said that my uterus looks great. There is no tissue left from the miscarriage - wahoo! He counted 3 follicles on my left side, but the biggest was only 9mm. On the right side there were also 3 follies and they measured 13, 13 and 14mm. I have never really paid much attention to the size and how much it matters but as soon as I have time, I want to google it. I thought that sounded pretty good, but he said that last time, at this point in my cycle, the follies were much more developed. Sooo.... he wants me to come all the way back on Monday to see how they have grown. That's not even the IUI. I'll have to go back again (either Tuesday, or later if I haven't ovulated) for the actual procedure! That's a lot of driving back and forth and a lot of time missed from work. For a 6-hour round-trip, it's hard to make it back to get some work time in. The Dr. doesn't even want me to do blood work or check my LH levels... he just wants to look at the follies.
I guess he knows what he is doing and the actual ultrasound shows best what is going on. It's just a bit of an inconvenience.
Also, I am so scared that I am going to ovulate early over the weekend here and lose all my chances for IUI this month! I never fully understood why ovulating early is bad, but I guess it's because the follies aren't developed enough to form into healthy eggs. Is that right? This morning I thought I had a faint, faint line on an OPK, but I couldn't replicate it all day (probably because I was so thirsty and drank often and had to pee lots). It just is going to suck if we make the big trip on Monday only to find that it's too late and this cycle is missed! Ahhh! So, trying to just take it a day at a time. This cycle has been so hard on the clomid that I really would hate for it to be a "waste," you know? I wish it were easier to manage all of the pieces that have to come together in order for this to work.
Anyone have any encouragement???
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Baby dream
Last night I had my first baby dream. I don't think I have ever had such a vivid dream about having a baby. I actually woke up, and thought for a split second that it was real. In the dream, DH and I were walking by a park with a playground. We had a little girl. She was about one and a half, with soft brown curls and baggy britches (what we like to call the look of babies with cloth diapers). She toddled over to the playground and DH and I suddenly realized that she was finally big enough to play on some of the toys. Of course we decided that the slide was the best option, but there were two slides. One was the new plastic kind (that makes your hair full of static), and the other was the old aluminum slide. DH decided to try them both to see which would be safer for her to ride on, on our laps. That was when I awoke.
It was a wonderful dream. I think that in the midst of all that has happened, I have lost some of the reasons for why we are putting ourselves through such torture to get something we want. But that dream reminded me. We do want a baby. We want one of our own. We want to share life with a special little one. We want to teach and to grow together. So if that means dealing with the effects of all that comes with infertility (especially the clomid, which DH has nicknamed the demon drug), I'll take it. It's all worth it for that dream I had to come true.
It was a wonderful dream. I think that in the midst of all that has happened, I have lost some of the reasons for why we are putting ourselves through such torture to get something we want. But that dream reminded me. We do want a baby. We want one of our own. We want to share life with a special little one. We want to teach and to grow together. So if that means dealing with the effects of all that comes with infertility (especially the clomid, which DH has nicknamed the demon drug), I'll take it. It's all worth it for that dream I had to come true.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Infertility is not a formula
There is one thing I had forgotten about clomid. It turns my stomach into a ravenous, never-fulfilled, bottomless pit of hunger. No wonder I gained so much weight last year! I hadn't realized how bad it was since I had been on clomid for about 6 months. Once I was off of it for 3 months, I started shrinking back to my original size, and having the energy to exercise, and the willpower to not eat everything in sight. It was like my normal self came back. And now... back on clomid, day 8 of my cycle. And my hunger is never-ending! It's not like my stomach is growling all the time, but I just never feel full and I always want to eat more. I've decided it's not emotional eating (though I know I'm guilty of that sometimes). This is just plain old wanting to eat ALWAYS! Also my energy levels are declining and it is SO MUCH WORK to go to the gym right now. Coincidence, or clomid? I think clomid. Most people I read about on the blogs don't seem to take clomid, and those that do don't seem to have the same symptoms as me. I wondered if it was all in my head, but for this round I am seeing such a drastic change in everything (energy, mood, emotions, appetite), that I have to chalk some of it up to the clomid.
Oh, and I went to the dentist and not only do I have to have a crown replaced (that was put in by a different terrible dentist a few years ago), but I am holding a lot of my stress/tension in my jaw and grinding my teeth. Wonderful.
When I stop to think about it, I don't necessarily feel like I am stressed about TTC all the time. However, it is lying just under the surface and so it is kind of like a rash that never really goes away and is always there waiting for some sort of trigger to show it's ugly face again. And when those triggers come, the stress bubbles right out. I wonder about this in relation to the whole "just relax" debate about infertility. At this point in our journey, I feel like it is absolutely impossible to "relax" and give up the desire to try. We are so far invested and even if I wanted to pull out, I don't think I could. Yet I do see the danger in trying and wanting something so much. Of course that must put stress on the body in ways we can't see or imagine. But I don't know the solution! I've tried my fair share of "relaxation" exercises for infertility. Tried yoga. Tried acupuncture. Tried long walks. Tried giving up caffeine and alcohol. Tried it all. Yet these things do not get to the root of the problem of stress. They may provide a temporary feeling of relaxation, but they do not target the depths of where the disease lies. I don't know how to get to that part and find peace there. I do think that when people get spontaneously pregnant after deciding to adopt it is related to this. I just don't know how.
A friend we used to know was not able to get pregnant. They adopted 2 kids and those kids are grown up, probably around 6 and 8 years old. The mother is probably in her mid-40s. You know how you hear that women sometimes become extra fertile as they near menopause? Well, surprisingly, she got pregnant and just recently delivered the baby that she had always wanted. I don't understand that! How come for so many years they couldn't get pregnant, and then they did? I like things that are scientific and follow formulas. Infertility does not.
Oh, and I went to the dentist and not only do I have to have a crown replaced (that was put in by a different terrible dentist a few years ago), but I am holding a lot of my stress/tension in my jaw and grinding my teeth. Wonderful.
When I stop to think about it, I don't necessarily feel like I am stressed about TTC all the time. However, it is lying just under the surface and so it is kind of like a rash that never really goes away and is always there waiting for some sort of trigger to show it's ugly face again. And when those triggers come, the stress bubbles right out. I wonder about this in relation to the whole "just relax" debate about infertility. At this point in our journey, I feel like it is absolutely impossible to "relax" and give up the desire to try. We are so far invested and even if I wanted to pull out, I don't think I could. Yet I do see the danger in trying and wanting something so much. Of course that must put stress on the body in ways we can't see or imagine. But I don't know the solution! I've tried my fair share of "relaxation" exercises for infertility. Tried yoga. Tried acupuncture. Tried long walks. Tried giving up caffeine and alcohol. Tried it all. Yet these things do not get to the root of the problem of stress. They may provide a temporary feeling of relaxation, but they do not target the depths of where the disease lies. I don't know how to get to that part and find peace there. I do think that when people get spontaneously pregnant after deciding to adopt it is related to this. I just don't know how.
A friend we used to know was not able to get pregnant. They adopted 2 kids and those kids are grown up, probably around 6 and 8 years old. The mother is probably in her mid-40s. You know how you hear that women sometimes become extra fertile as they near menopause? Well, surprisingly, she got pregnant and just recently delivered the baby that she had always wanted. I don't understand that! How come for so many years they couldn't get pregnant, and then they did? I like things that are scientific and follow formulas. Infertility does not.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Clomid day 4
I thought yesterday that I was in the clear. I hadn't really felt the effects of the clomid like I normally do, and usually day 3 is the worst! Last night, though, I all of a sudden got super teary. I was on a walk with a dog and saw a bride in the distance and actually let out a sob! I had no idea where that came from. We went out for drinks with friends and as we shared about some of our struggles with DH's work, I almost lost it again. Man! Today I tried to get up for church, but my body honestly would not let me. We had a pretty busy weekend, getting organized for a garage sale, watching a late show of Batman, holding the garage sale, dealing with the leftovers and hanging out with visiting friends. So this morning I showered, drank a coffee, and then was standing in the kitchen and just felt like my body was about to give way. My head was so foggy and I felt out of control. I was so tired! I went back to bed for an hour, got up did some stuff and finally went back to bed again. When DH came home from church, I just burst into tears. Oh my clomid!
So today I've taken it easy, apart from some light cleaning and shopping. I'm taking the dog for a walk and then back to more reading, Pinteresting, drinking tea, and planning my dream home.
So today I've taken it easy, apart from some light cleaning and shopping. I'm taking the dog for a walk and then back to more reading, Pinteresting, drinking tea, and planning my dream home.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Clomid Day 1
It's day 3, and that means time for clomid! I've been loving the way my body has felt without clomid for the past few months, and so I am kind of dreading this part. But if this is what has to be done... so be it. Today I feel pretty good. I exercised this morning (despite being tired after having some wine last night) and am going for a walk with a friend this evening. I've eaten healthy most of this week. I've been trying to get enough rest, and that makes a huge difference! I've even been limiting my caffeine intake to 2 cups per day (one coffee, one tea). I spoke to the ladies at the fertility clinic and we are a go ahead for this month! They even said I don't have to come for the baseline scan since I live so far away (3 hours). I'm going in on day 11 for a check-up to see how it's progressing, and then hopefully back a few days later for the IUI. I am super stoked!
AND... best of all, DH got into go-mode today! We are having a garage sale this weekend to de-clutter our house. Today he finally insured our unused car (we're selling it), put in a new battery, put on a new tire (since one was flat), and arranged to take it into the shop for a check-up. Then he told me that he's planning to take one of his weeks of holidays to do things around the house!!! Just maintenance like painting the deck, staining the fence, etc. Holy moly! I asked him to explain to me how he works, because I just didn't get why he was totally "into" this all of a sudden. He said it was simple. Before he can start a job, he has to take the whole thing into consideration and come up with a plan of action. Until he has that plan, he won't start the job. He will contemplate and think about it, but not do it. Once the plan is in place, he starts and gets things done in record time. And that's that. Hopefully I'll remember this and take it to account next time we need to get something done around the house. :)
AND... best of all, DH got into go-mode today! We are having a garage sale this weekend to de-clutter our house. Today he finally insured our unused car (we're selling it), put in a new battery, put on a new tire (since one was flat), and arranged to take it into the shop for a check-up. Then he told me that he's planning to take one of his weeks of holidays to do things around the house!!! Just maintenance like painting the deck, staining the fence, etc. Holy moly! I asked him to explain to me how he works, because I just didn't get why he was totally "into" this all of a sudden. He said it was simple. Before he can start a job, he has to take the whole thing into consideration and come up with a plan of action. Until he has that plan, he won't start the job. He will contemplate and think about it, but not do it. Once the plan is in place, he starts and gets things done in record time. And that's that. Hopefully I'll remember this and take it to account next time we need to get something done around the house. :)
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
A sad day
Today wasn't a great day. I had myself a good cry tonight and feel better now.
A lady from my work passed away last night from cancer. I did not know her very well, but I had seen her around and chatted now and then. I know that others in my office will be hit harder. Today was a bit weird. My colleague and I were busy and had lots to do, which was a nice distraction. Inside, though, I just felt a bit numb yet sad.
I also found out last night that a close friend lost her first baby in a miscarriage. I am so sad for her. I think I might be protecting myself a little though, because I'm not ready to "re-live" what I went through with my miscarriage. Yet I want to be there for her since she was there for me so much during mine.
Today we had our friends P&J over for dinner. I don't know if I've mentioned it on this blog, but P&J are moving far away. In 3 weeks time! They are our closest friends here, and even though they have a baby now and that has changed our relationship, we still will miss them like crazy. We don't have any other friends here that kind of "get" what we have gone through. I don't know what we will do without them. I haven't allowed myself to think about them leaving, but tonight I did and I realized how sad I really am.
I am excited about moving forward with this next cycle, but there is a bit of sadness tied with it too. I feel like in moving on, we are putting the past to rest, and that includes our pregnancy and miscarriage. That makes me sad because even though the pregnancy did not come to fruition... it still was the ONLY pregnancy I've ever experienced. It's a weird thing to move on from.
Well, I will go to bed now, and hope that tomorrow is a better day.
A lady from my work passed away last night from cancer. I did not know her very well, but I had seen her around and chatted now and then. I know that others in my office will be hit harder. Today was a bit weird. My colleague and I were busy and had lots to do, which was a nice distraction. Inside, though, I just felt a bit numb yet sad.
I also found out last night that a close friend lost her first baby in a miscarriage. I am so sad for her. I think I might be protecting myself a little though, because I'm not ready to "re-live" what I went through with my miscarriage. Yet I want to be there for her since she was there for me so much during mine.
Today we had our friends P&J over for dinner. I don't know if I've mentioned it on this blog, but P&J are moving far away. In 3 weeks time! They are our closest friends here, and even though they have a baby now and that has changed our relationship, we still will miss them like crazy. We don't have any other friends here that kind of "get" what we have gone through. I don't know what we will do without them. I haven't allowed myself to think about them leaving, but tonight I did and I realized how sad I really am.
I am excited about moving forward with this next cycle, but there is a bit of sadness tied with it too. I feel like in moving on, we are putting the past to rest, and that includes our pregnancy and miscarriage. That makes me sad because even though the pregnancy did not come to fruition... it still was the ONLY pregnancy I've ever experienced. It's a weird thing to move on from.
Well, I will go to bed now, and hope that tomorrow is a better day.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Good ol' AF
Surprise, surprise... AF arrived today! Actually, I was a tiny bit surprised to see her appearance. I wasn't sure if my body would be back to regular after the miscarriage, even though I had a period last month and ovulated around day 14 this time. Secretly of course I hoped for a BFP but I had not a single sign to indicate so (plus I did an HPT and it was negative). So, I expected it was coming, but had no idea when. I had no cramping, no spotting, no tears or meltdowns... the only indicator was an extreme craving for chocolate the past few days. And now it's here. As much as I had hoped for a BFP, though, I really didn't expect one and I am the most excited I have been to have AF show up. Tomorrow I'll call the clinic and hopefully scheduled a baseline scan.
Oh, and I forgot to mention... DH does want to go ahead with treatment this month. He is not as hopeful as me, but willing to try again. So, pending all goes well, we'll be trying again in a couple week's time! I feel it's quite unlikely for IUI to work twice in a row, but I really, really, really hope that it does. It just doesn't make sense to me that the one time we tried it, it worked, and every time we've tried on our own, it hasn't worked. I'm hoping the doctor has insight into why that might be. Because of that I don't see any reason why it shouldn't work this time. I'll try to keep that positivity! As for the miscarriage, right now I'm chalking it up to being one of the statistics that just "happen" without explanation. I'll keep believing that until proven otherwise.
Oh, and I forgot to mention... DH does want to go ahead with treatment this month. He is not as hopeful as me, but willing to try again. So, pending all goes well, we'll be trying again in a couple week's time! I feel it's quite unlikely for IUI to work twice in a row, but I really, really, really hope that it does. It just doesn't make sense to me that the one time we tried it, it worked, and every time we've tried on our own, it hasn't worked. I'm hoping the doctor has insight into why that might be. Because of that I don't see any reason why it shouldn't work this time. I'll try to keep that positivity! As for the miscarriage, right now I'm chalking it up to being one of the statistics that just "happen" without explanation. I'll keep believing that until proven otherwise.
Identify and infertility
Things are getting slightly better with DH. He is like a wave that is up and down right now. The other day he was wonderful and sweet, yesterday when I came home he was grumpy, this morning he was angry and frustrated about stuff at work, after he talked he was nice again... He really is all over the place. I just have to take a deep breath, and realize that what is going through is not as much about me as it is about everything else (mind you, all of the minor "issues" he has with me are coming to the forefront through this process and that is no fun for me - the truth comes out about all the stuff he dislikes about me, ahhh!).
I read an article that Holly over at Ready to Be a Mom wrote for school about infertility and identity. Two lines stuck out super strong for where I'm at right now. First was this one:
Webb and Daniluk (1999) observed that the men in their study experienced a deep sense of grief, powerlessness, loss of control and personal inadequacy as a result of infertility. This loss of identity and control in one's life is not limited to the area of fertility. Quite often this sense of failure and powerlessness pervades into every aspect of one's life as a result of the feeling of lost control over one's own body and reproductive choices (Letherby 2002).
Wow! If that doesn't "sum" up all that is going on with DH, I don't know what does!
The next line summed me up perfectly:
...men and women when faced with threats to their identity or sense of self control, seek to compensate these feelings by exerting more control in other areas of their lives or reaffirming gender roles in alternative ways (Zucker 1999; Webb and Daniluk 1999).
So, I guess we're both just working through our own "stuff" right now, yet it is bleeding over onto one another. I have to learn not to take things so personally, and recognize that not everyone (even my husband) adores everything about me (haha!). It's humbling, and difficult at times, but maybe it will make me stronger?
I read an article that Holly over at Ready to Be a Mom wrote for school about infertility and identity. Two lines stuck out super strong for where I'm at right now. First was this one:
Webb and Daniluk (1999) observed that the men in their study experienced a deep sense of grief, powerlessness, loss of control and personal inadequacy as a result of infertility. This loss of identity and control in one's life is not limited to the area of fertility. Quite often this sense of failure and powerlessness pervades into every aspect of one's life as a result of the feeling of lost control over one's own body and reproductive choices (Letherby 2002).
Wow! If that doesn't "sum" up all that is going on with DH, I don't know what does!
The next line summed me up perfectly:
...men and women when faced with threats to their identity or sense of self control, seek to compensate these feelings by exerting more control in other areas of their lives or reaffirming gender roles in alternative ways (Zucker 1999; Webb and Daniluk 1999).
So, I guess we're both just working through our own "stuff" right now, yet it is bleeding over onto one another. I have to learn not to take things so personally, and recognize that not everyone (even my husband) adores everything about me (haha!). It's humbling, and difficult at times, but maybe it will make me stronger?
Friday, July 13, 2012
Tides have turned
Even though I just posted (a late post from yesterday), I had to follow it with a quickie for today. Today was MUCH better! I had to work this morning and give a presentation, but I dragged hubby out this afternoon. Also we went out last night when we still were a bit grumpy with each other (and discovered the most magical place). I thought I'd share some pics from our outdoor adventures this weekend. Don't we live in THE MOST BEAUTIFUL place you've ever seen?
And tomorrow we're loading up the car with some friends and a dog and checking out 2 nearby islands: Denman and Hornby. They are crazy hippie island (with no public transit or bank machines). There are some AMAZING beaches, and 2 farmer's markets to check out, so it should be fun.
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| Kitty Coleman Beach (you can camp RIGHT) on the oceanfront here. Imagine waking up to that view? |
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| Our first swimming spot of the day |
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| Another swimming spot we discovered on our hike |
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| Swimming! |
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| A river that leads to Nymph Falls. Gorgeous! |
He's not okay.
(This post was written yesterday and then I took it down and modified it)
Update: today was no better than yesterday.
DH and I had a huge "discussion" and he finally talked about how he was feeling. Afterwards he felt way better (and of course, I did not). Some of the statements said in his extreme exasperation were: "I'm just not sure we want the same things in life anymore" and, "How are we supposed to stay together when what you want (speaking of a baby) is completely different than what I want (not having to "work" at having a baby)?" Oh, and the comment about, "I wanted to marry somebody who really understood the things I like, like good music, that's really important to me." Apparently since there is one new band that he likes and I don't (ONE new band!), he doesn't see how we will ever enjoy our life together and regrets marrying me?!?!
All in all, it was a bad night for DH. I know he didn't mean what he said in the way that he said it. He is not feeling heard or known right now. And he admitted that that is not my fault, but his fault for being "unknowable." He sometimes just doesn't know how to share how he's doing and let people in.
All I know is that I am determined to ENJOY this weekend and the sunshine. We live in a place that is rainy and gloomy about 75% of the year... so when that sunshine comes, you HAVE to take advantage of it. I gave up my desire to go camping since DH didn't want to go but I insisted that we do a hike/swim tomorrow and head to some islands on Saturday. He was completely on board... until today. And then his brother decided he was coming to visit us (no notice). I don't care if I have to hitchhike, I AM going to spend time outdoors and enjoy myself!
Update: today was no better than yesterday.
DH and I had a huge "discussion" and he finally talked about how he was feeling. Afterwards he felt way better (and of course, I did not). Some of the statements said in his extreme exasperation were: "I'm just not sure we want the same things in life anymore" and, "How are we supposed to stay together when what you want (speaking of a baby) is completely different than what I want (not having to "work" at having a baby)?" Oh, and the comment about, "I wanted to marry somebody who really understood the things I like, like good music, that's really important to me." Apparently since there is one new band that he likes and I don't (ONE new band!), he doesn't see how we will ever enjoy our life together and regrets marrying me?!?!
All in all, it was a bad night for DH. I know he didn't mean what he said in the way that he said it. He is not feeling heard or known right now. And he admitted that that is not my fault, but his fault for being "unknowable." He sometimes just doesn't know how to share how he's doing and let people in.
All I know is that I am determined to ENJOY this weekend and the sunshine. We live in a place that is rainy and gloomy about 75% of the year... so when that sunshine comes, you HAVE to take advantage of it. I gave up my desire to go camping since DH didn't want to go but I insisted that we do a hike/swim tomorrow and head to some islands on Saturday. He was completely on board... until today. And then his brother decided he was coming to visit us (no notice). I don't care if I have to hitchhike, I AM going to spend time outdoors and enjoy myself!
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Doing alright
I just wanted to follow that last post with a note that today things are much better! There are still unresolved "issues" but we are doing okay and I hope that things will continue to get better. I think that money is a big stress right now (and why DH is planning to buy a custom built guitar when we are in debt and trying to save and he is stressed I don't know... plus I only found that out by snooping on his email, I know, I'm so bad!). Also DH told me yesterday that he doesn't know if he wants to continue on and do IUI again. Well buddy, you have one week to change your mind! AF is scheduled to come by soon and I want to be ready to go at it right away. However, if he's not ready, I'm not too sure what I can do...
Overall I am feeling SO much better! My moods and emotions have leveled out finally. I think I have lost a ton of weight. It might just be bloat from the pregnancy and drugs, but whatever it is, I feel WAY better about myself. (I'm kind of dreading going back on the drugs in the future). I have a tan too and that always helps you look/feel better. We are eating healthy and I am exercising regularly again. I have energy to get through most of the day (a few kicks of caffeine always help) and I'm finally feeling social again. It is so nice to feel normal again!
BTW, did anyone see that movie "Friends with Kids?" We watched it last night and the preview made it look like it was a great movie for infertiles who have to put up with all the crap that people with kids display. But I was pretty disappointed upon watching it. There were some great, funny parts BUT the two friends friggin' decides to have sex with one another and share their baby 50%... AND THEY GET PREGNANT ON THE FIRST TRY! It was supposed to kind draw attention to the fact that raising a baby IS hard, and those who think they can have it all (happy marriage, good kids, peaceful life)... can't. Overall though, I was just quite offended by it all. Any other thoughts?
Overall I am feeling SO much better! My moods and emotions have leveled out finally. I think I have lost a ton of weight. It might just be bloat from the pregnancy and drugs, but whatever it is, I feel WAY better about myself. (I'm kind of dreading going back on the drugs in the future). I have a tan too and that always helps you look/feel better. We are eating healthy and I am exercising regularly again. I have energy to get through most of the day (a few kicks of caffeine always help) and I'm finally feeling social again. It is so nice to feel normal again!
BTW, did anyone see that movie "Friends with Kids?" We watched it last night and the preview made it look like it was a great movie for infertiles who have to put up with all the crap that people with kids display. But I was pretty disappointed upon watching it. There were some great, funny parts BUT the two friends friggin' decides to have sex with one another and share their baby 50%... AND THEY GET PREGNANT ON THE FIRST TRY! It was supposed to kind draw attention to the fact that raising a baby IS hard, and those who think they can have it all (happy marriage, good kids, peaceful life)... can't. Overall though, I was just quite offended by it all. Any other thoughts?
Storm's a breakin'
To say that this week hasn't been the best is an understatement...
Fortunately, the storm broke yesterday and hopefully it's sunny skies from here.
DH is stressed out of his mind! I didn't fully catch on until yesterday, but I was annoyed with him ALL WEEK for being so difficult. I felt like I was running around doing everything, the only person thinking of things like what we were going to eat, and what to do with the dog... important things. I felt like all he did was sleep, watch TV, and play guitar. And that WAS all he did. He barely talked to me, he didn't come to bed at night (fell asleep on the couch or stayed up on the computer), and he didn't listen to anything I asked him to do. I felt like he hated me all week.
Last night we had the blowout fight (which always comes after he's been brewing) and he admitted that it was all from stress. It wasn't really a fight between us... it was more a breakdown on his part. His breakdowns are just so darn difficult to endure. He's stressed about so many things and can't even pinpoint what is making him feel so down. He is stressed about the economy, about his job right now, about the church, about us having a baby (and not being able to afford it because of the economy and his job), about his parents, about.... the list goes on and on! And unlike me, he's not at all willing to talk to ANYBODY about it (besides me!). He may talk to one person about a portion, and another about a little bit more, but he's not able to get the whole thing out there for someone else to know ALL that is going on with him. And that frustrates me to no end.
So, I get to live with a grumpy, depressed, closed-down, boy who will barely talk to me about what is going on, leave his dishes and clothes all around, and is generally no fun to be around right now.
Oh please let this stage pass quickly!
(Sorry if this is too much of a bashing email. I do hate complaining about my man because I honestly love him SO SO SO MUCH, but I really, really just needed somewhere to let it out today. Anyways, it's not as much about him, as it is about me dealing with what is going on right now. All I want to do is enjoy the sunshine this weekend...and enjoy a weekend after working 12 days straight!)
Fortunately, the storm broke yesterday and hopefully it's sunny skies from here.
DH is stressed out of his mind! I didn't fully catch on until yesterday, but I was annoyed with him ALL WEEK for being so difficult. I felt like I was running around doing everything, the only person thinking of things like what we were going to eat, and what to do with the dog... important things. I felt like all he did was sleep, watch TV, and play guitar. And that WAS all he did. He barely talked to me, he didn't come to bed at night (fell asleep on the couch or stayed up on the computer), and he didn't listen to anything I asked him to do. I felt like he hated me all week.
Last night we had the blowout fight (which always comes after he's been brewing) and he admitted that it was all from stress. It wasn't really a fight between us... it was more a breakdown on his part. His breakdowns are just so darn difficult to endure. He's stressed about so many things and can't even pinpoint what is making him feel so down. He is stressed about the economy, about his job right now, about the church, about us having a baby (and not being able to afford it because of the economy and his job), about his parents, about.... the list goes on and on! And unlike me, he's not at all willing to talk to ANYBODY about it (besides me!). He may talk to one person about a portion, and another about a little bit more, but he's not able to get the whole thing out there for someone else to know ALL that is going on with him. And that frustrates me to no end.
So, I get to live with a grumpy, depressed, closed-down, boy who will barely talk to me about what is going on, leave his dishes and clothes all around, and is generally no fun to be around right now.
Oh please let this stage pass quickly!
(Sorry if this is too much of a bashing email. I do hate complaining about my man because I honestly love him SO SO SO MUCH, but I really, really just needed somewhere to let it out today. Anyways, it's not as much about him, as it is about me dealing with what is going on right now. All I want to do is enjoy the sunshine this weekend...and enjoy a weekend after working 12 days straight!)
Monday, July 9, 2012
Musicfest
Though I'm at work today, I am currently recovering from a long weekend volunteering for a music festival that happened this weekend. I was on the youth outreach team, so we spent our 5 1/2 shifts, each day, walking all around the premises, checking up on youth who were drinking/on drugs and making sure they had water and food. Fun times! Add to that our first batch of hot, hot weather and my body is sore and drained and tired. But it was good times. Unfortunately, none of the music was quite my style, but there still were some good shows (Emmy Lou Harris, Matt Anderson, a celtic infusion band called Sketch, the Sheepdogs). I really enjoyed the weekend, though I didn't really get a weekend and now am back at it at work. Oh well. I think it was probably nice for me NOT to be at home, and NOT to be thinking about fertility stuff, and NOT to be worrying about my stressed-out husband (though that worry doesn't really go away). Now I wish I were on summer holidays all summer long and that I didn't have to work and that I just got to sit in the sun and sip cool beverages all day. Ahh!
Maybe I'll try to go camping this weekend. :)
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
A celebration
I just can't help but give a shout out to Katie over at "from IF to when" as she celebrates the adoption of her precious little baby and is finally a parent after all she's been through. Her story is inspiring and had me crying tears of joy tonight!
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Top 5
My friends and I used to have a blog that was called "Top 5" and was full of top 5 lists of all sorts. So here is mine for the day.
Top 5 things we have accomplished since our exchange student left:
1. Tidied and de-cluttered the house like mad (okay, still in process but it's a good start)
2. Bought, and ate, a box of ice cream sandwiches all to ourselves without sharing!
3. Made no dinner. We can eat what we want, when we want it.
4. Banged on the drums as loud as possible and danced around in our underwear
5. *With a bullet* - Baby-danced to our heart's content with the bedroom door open!
Wahoo! I can't describe how nice it is to have the house all to ourselves again.
Top 5 things we have accomplished since our exchange student left:
1. Tidied and de-cluttered the house like mad (okay, still in process but it's a good start)
2. Bought, and ate, a box of ice cream sandwiches all to ourselves without sharing!
3. Made no dinner. We can eat what we want, when we want it.
4. Banged on the drums as loud as possible and danced around in our underwear
5. *With a bullet* - Baby-danced to our heart's content with the bedroom door open!
Wahoo! I can't describe how nice it is to have the house all to ourselves again.
Sex, money, kids and... weight gain?
There are a few topics that I find it hard to write about, despite my openness about so much of my body's inner workings. Sex, money and weight gain are some of those topics (well, money not so much but we'll attack it anyways). However, after reading quite a few posts about weight gain and sex (most recently an incredibly honest post by Jill at Infertility Unexplained and Alissa at MissConception), I thought I would put some thoughts down. One of the main reasons I use my blog as an outlet is so that others who are sharing the same struggles may find comfort in knowing they're not alone. Hopefully this is one of those posts (and I didn't realize how much I had to rant about here, so I'm sorry for the length).
Sex
This may be a shocker for some, but I was one of those girls who waited until I was married to have sex. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to commit to abstinence. It wasn't so hard, considering I lived in a small town and was a church girl. In college, I met the love of my life and we got married and had sex for the first time on our wedding night. Sex was good. Since we did not have others to compare ourselves with, it was fun, and felt free, and exhilarating. Those feelings carried on when we went off birth control and started TTC. Somewhere along the line though, the excitement was replaced by another feeling... I don't want to say the word "dread" but it was almost like that... a feeling like what this was supposed to be, wasn't really what it was actually being.
People say that infertility ruins sex. I'm not sure if it is just infertility, or if there are other issues in our marriage that make sex less than it should be, but I know that infertility definitely plays a role.
Even when we have sex "for fun," knowing that we are outside of our "fertile" period, there is less connection, less intimacy, less fun. I think sex was designed for both pleasure and procreation. If you lose the ability to procreate, it feels like sex has lost some of its purpose. Along with infertility, your sex life becomes public, and no longer a private, intimate affair. I must say, I am pretty private about my sex life, but DH is, by far, 10,000 times more private than me. Giving samples, meeting doctors, talking about his "performance" - that is all wayyyyy over his line of comfort. I'm not sure, but this may have caused him to close off slightly when it comes to actually having sex now (that's something I haven't thought of before and will put mre thought into). And then there's the emotional part. I definitely don't think DH and I have reached a place of peace about what is happening to us. We each have our own personal struggles with it, and we have our struggles as a couple. For the most part, though, we can close off that section of our emotions/brains that this affects and get on with regular life. But sex... sex opens wide those doors and reminds us once again of what we are going through. It's hard to enjoy sex when all it does is remind you of what it is not achieving.
Money
Infertility and money is just a bitter issue for me. I don't see how it is fair that women who CAN'T HAVE BABIES have to pay exorbitant amounts of money for treatments to have a kid. I also don't understand why adoption is so darn expensive! I saw an ad yesterday that brought light to the fact that it is cheaper to abort a baby than to adopt one. WTF?!?! Now we haven't actually had to pay very much yet, so I really can't complain, but when I read blogs of other women who have drained themselves in this endeavor, it just irks me. People say that sex, money and kids are the biggest killers of marriage (sources of conflict). I think that us infertiles get whacked with all three at once.
Weight
And now... don't get me started on this one! I don't think I have EVER been as frustrated with my weight as I am right now. So here's a quick recap. I never once thought about weight as a kid. I was average... put on a few pounds in high school and after graduating became conscious of my weight and started exercising. In college I was quite in shape. I was fairly petite and exercised daily. I didn't put on the freshman 10lb gain, but I did start to fill out in the hips, etc. Then I got married. With marriage comes the obligatory 5lb gain. I have always highly valued exercise. I feel so much better when I am exercising. I love the feeling after a good run or workout. But my body is not the strongest. And, like my mom, I tend to get sick if I overdo it or workout too hard. Still, I tried hard and felt pretty good about my weight and body shape.
Fast forward to 5 years of TTC, 6 rounds of clomid, one IUI, a pregnancy with miscarriage... and here I am today, weighing more than I have EVER weighed in my life! I think it is a combination of hormones whacked out by drugs, fertility drug bloating/water retention, comfort foods for those bad days, and lack of motivation to exercise on other days. Fortunately, the one thing I have going for me is fairly good muscle tone. Apart from my ever-expanding hips and butt, I am fairly toned in my muscle. Still! I recently pulled out my summer clothes from last year. Last year I was larger than I had ever been and had to buy a whole new wardrobe for summer. This year I couldn't even get my legs into some of the shorts. It's weird though, because other pieces of clothing fit me just fine, and I even fit into a shirt I couldn't wear last year. I think it honestly is my hips that have expanded and widened over this past year.
Now I'm NOT a dieter. I just can't do it. I love eating way too much. I just can't give up some foods. I try to do the "everything in moderation" deal, but even when I think I'm doing it, I still end up overeating on sweets and carbs. I still exercise and I've been in a good routine. But I have to do quite a bit in order just to maintain my weight, so losing is real tough. Also I just haven't had all my energy back since the miscarriage. So even when I want to exercise, I sometimes can't. It's so maddening!
So right now, this is the most frustrating thing of all! I look at my friend J, who had a baby in January, and who looks like she is right back to her pre-pregnancy weight, toned arms and everything, and I am insanely jealous! I am roughly 15-20lbs over my ideal weight, and I do not have a baby or anything to show for it. I am bitter and mad and frustrated. DH and I are making an effort over the summer to get in shape. Without our student here we are able to cook what we want. We're planning to go on a juicing diet for a while (just drinking vegetable juice for dinner some nights), and I'm continuing on with my berry/green smoothies for breakfast. The biggest thing I need to work on is giving up sugar. That will be hard!
Whew!
I guess I had way more to say than I realized. I still feel like I could go on, but I will stop it there for your sake (and maybe do a part 2 once I've had time to settle). I realize this is one huge rant, but I guess that is what I needed today too. These clearly are some of the most annoying side effects of infertility. Boo!
On a lighter note, I decided to search infertility in Pinterest, and found an image I thought I'd share.
Sex
This may be a shocker for some, but I was one of those girls who waited until I was married to have sex. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to commit to abstinence. It wasn't so hard, considering I lived in a small town and was a church girl. In college, I met the love of my life and we got married and had sex for the first time on our wedding night. Sex was good. Since we did not have others to compare ourselves with, it was fun, and felt free, and exhilarating. Those feelings carried on when we went off birth control and started TTC. Somewhere along the line though, the excitement was replaced by another feeling... I don't want to say the word "dread" but it was almost like that... a feeling like what this was supposed to be, wasn't really what it was actually being.
People say that infertility ruins sex. I'm not sure if it is just infertility, or if there are other issues in our marriage that make sex less than it should be, but I know that infertility definitely plays a role.
Even when we have sex "for fun," knowing that we are outside of our "fertile" period, there is less connection, less intimacy, less fun. I think sex was designed for both pleasure and procreation. If you lose the ability to procreate, it feels like sex has lost some of its purpose. Along with infertility, your sex life becomes public, and no longer a private, intimate affair. I must say, I am pretty private about my sex life, but DH is, by far, 10,000 times more private than me. Giving samples, meeting doctors, talking about his "performance" - that is all wayyyyy over his line of comfort. I'm not sure, but this may have caused him to close off slightly when it comes to actually having sex now (that's something I haven't thought of before and will put mre thought into). And then there's the emotional part. I definitely don't think DH and I have reached a place of peace about what is happening to us. We each have our own personal struggles with it, and we have our struggles as a couple. For the most part, though, we can close off that section of our emotions/brains that this affects and get on with regular life. But sex... sex opens wide those doors and reminds us once again of what we are going through. It's hard to enjoy sex when all it does is remind you of what it is not achieving.
Money
Infertility and money is just a bitter issue for me. I don't see how it is fair that women who CAN'T HAVE BABIES have to pay exorbitant amounts of money for treatments to have a kid. I also don't understand why adoption is so darn expensive! I saw an ad yesterday that brought light to the fact that it is cheaper to abort a baby than to adopt one. WTF?!?! Now we haven't actually had to pay very much yet, so I really can't complain, but when I read blogs of other women who have drained themselves in this endeavor, it just irks me. People say that sex, money and kids are the biggest killers of marriage (sources of conflict). I think that us infertiles get whacked with all three at once.
Weight
And now... don't get me started on this one! I don't think I have EVER been as frustrated with my weight as I am right now. So here's a quick recap. I never once thought about weight as a kid. I was average... put on a few pounds in high school and after graduating became conscious of my weight and started exercising. In college I was quite in shape. I was fairly petite and exercised daily. I didn't put on the freshman 10lb gain, but I did start to fill out in the hips, etc. Then I got married. With marriage comes the obligatory 5lb gain. I have always highly valued exercise. I feel so much better when I am exercising. I love the feeling after a good run or workout. But my body is not the strongest. And, like my mom, I tend to get sick if I overdo it or workout too hard. Still, I tried hard and felt pretty good about my weight and body shape.
Fast forward to 5 years of TTC, 6 rounds of clomid, one IUI, a pregnancy with miscarriage... and here I am today, weighing more than I have EVER weighed in my life! I think it is a combination of hormones whacked out by drugs, fertility drug bloating/water retention, comfort foods for those bad days, and lack of motivation to exercise on other days. Fortunately, the one thing I have going for me is fairly good muscle tone. Apart from my ever-expanding hips and butt, I am fairly toned in my muscle. Still! I recently pulled out my summer clothes from last year. Last year I was larger than I had ever been and had to buy a whole new wardrobe for summer. This year I couldn't even get my legs into some of the shorts. It's weird though, because other pieces of clothing fit me just fine, and I even fit into a shirt I couldn't wear last year. I think it honestly is my hips that have expanded and widened over this past year.
Now I'm NOT a dieter. I just can't do it. I love eating way too much. I just can't give up some foods. I try to do the "everything in moderation" deal, but even when I think I'm doing it, I still end up overeating on sweets and carbs. I still exercise and I've been in a good routine. But I have to do quite a bit in order just to maintain my weight, so losing is real tough. Also I just haven't had all my energy back since the miscarriage. So even when I want to exercise, I sometimes can't. It's so maddening!
So right now, this is the most frustrating thing of all! I look at my friend J, who had a baby in January, and who looks like she is right back to her pre-pregnancy weight, toned arms and everything, and I am insanely jealous! I am roughly 15-20lbs over my ideal weight, and I do not have a baby or anything to show for it. I am bitter and mad and frustrated. DH and I are making an effort over the summer to get in shape. Without our student here we are able to cook what we want. We're planning to go on a juicing diet for a while (just drinking vegetable juice for dinner some nights), and I'm continuing on with my berry/green smoothies for breakfast. The biggest thing I need to work on is giving up sugar. That will be hard!
Whew!
I guess I had way more to say than I realized. I still feel like I could go on, but I will stop it there for your sake (and maybe do a part 2 once I've had time to settle). I realize this is one huge rant, but I guess that is what I needed today too. These clearly are some of the most annoying side effects of infertility. Boo!
On a lighter note, I decided to search infertility in Pinterest, and found an image I thought I'd share.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Happy Canada Day!
I'm a day late... but Happy Canada Day to all of you Canadians out there!
Also happy upcoming Independence Day to the Americans too! Unfortunately, I don't qualify for Stat holidays so I am at work today all by myself. :( It's not so bad because I have my music on and I'm using the time to catch up and get organized for my private practice.
I had quite a good weekend, apart from the fact that I've been on and off sick for the past few days. I did have a great time going out on Friday night. We met up with a group of people at the pub and it was nice. On Saturday I took my puppy to an agility class. That was quite fun! She did alright for her first time. Saturday night we took our exchange student out for a goodbye dinner and then went to a 60th birthday party for a friend (we were by far the youngest there but it was alright). And yesterday we took our young adults group to see some fireworks and hang out. It was freezing cold and rainy. I'm sure we're the only place in Canada/USA needing rain jackets and scarves on to keep warm on July 1st. Brrrr! It felt like quite a full weekend but I was glad to get out and do some stuff. I only had one sad moment where I just felt like crying so that wasn't too bad.
Today we said bye to our exchange student and then went out for breakfast to celebrate having an empty house. Woo hoo!!!! Well, it only lasts till this weekend because DH's brother is coming back for a visit, possibly with his girlfriend. Drat! I'm not quite ready to have people in our house yet. I need a little more time please.
Also happy upcoming Independence Day to the Americans too! Unfortunately, I don't qualify for Stat holidays so I am at work today all by myself. :( It's not so bad because I have my music on and I'm using the time to catch up and get organized for my private practice.
I had quite a good weekend, apart from the fact that I've been on and off sick for the past few days. I did have a great time going out on Friday night. We met up with a group of people at the pub and it was nice. On Saturday I took my puppy to an agility class. That was quite fun! She did alright for her first time. Saturday night we took our exchange student out for a goodbye dinner and then went to a 60th birthday party for a friend (we were by far the youngest there but it was alright). And yesterday we took our young adults group to see some fireworks and hang out. It was freezing cold and rainy. I'm sure we're the only place in Canada/USA needing rain jackets and scarves on to keep warm on July 1st. Brrrr! It felt like quite a full weekend but I was glad to get out and do some stuff. I only had one sad moment where I just felt like crying so that wasn't too bad.
Today we said bye to our exchange student and then went out for breakfast to celebrate having an empty house. Woo hoo!!!! Well, it only lasts till this weekend because DH's brother is coming back for a visit, possibly with his girlfriend. Drat! I'm not quite ready to have people in our house yet. I need a little more time please.
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