Home Grown Love

Now for a late update.  We had a lovely, but exhausting Christmas with our boys. Christmas night was probably our worst night yet with their sleep, probably from all the stimulation and cuddles from new people, but two nights later they had their best sleep to date. If only that would continue, it would be great.

Last year, Christmas was very hard. My mom reminded me of how I hadn't even wanted to celebrate.  Earlier in 2012 we lost our first baby, who would have been due at the end of November. We "should" have been celebrating our first Christmas as a family of three. Instead we mourned, wondering if there would ever be kids to put presents under the tree for.  I do remember the pain, the raw emotion, the loss of hope. 

Happy two months baby boys! 

I'm not sure how often I will have a chance to update on the twins, but I know that I found it helpful to read other posts about how their twins were doing.  So feel free to skip on by if you're not interested. 

We are at 7 weeks!  Two weeks adjusted age.  That means we've been home for 4 weeks already.  When I realized that I kind of freaked out.  It doesn't feel like we have it together at all.  The days are a blur and I really don't know what we have accomplished during this time.  I think that is just the way it goes with newborn twins. 

The boys are doing well and growing stronger each day!  We haven't weighed them for over a week, but at last check RJ was 6lb,4oz and MJ was 7lb,2oz.  I'm sure we're over 7 and 8lbs now!  Basically, all the boys do is eat, poop, and sleep.  There "awake" time during the day, is probably only 1 hour total.  That is the time, apart from eating, when they are alert.  We try to use that time now to work on tummy time, making eye contact, playing with rattles, and showing colours and patterns.  I can't wait until they become more interactive and start to smile! 

Sleep is the hardest part right now.  Feedings still take place every 2 1/2 - 3 hours, and the boys usually sleep most of the time in-between... except between 2am-6am.  That is when they fuss and want to be held and are most awake.  Really, 4am is the devil's hour!  We can handle being tired at any other time in the day, but being awake and tired at 4am with screaming babies is TOUGH!  Nerves are worn the most thin at that point in time and, unfortunately, that is the time our babies are the most needy.  We hope to get out of that cycle soon! 

Feeding is going alright.  We just introduced formula in an attempt to try to get the boys to sleep longer stretches at nighttime.  (I don't think it's working).  Breastfeeding is alright, but could use some improvement.  Both boys can nurse well, but don't always choose to.  And tandem feeding is hard work!  Getting them both latched and to stay awake for a full feed is tough, so we often end up topping them up with bottles (with expressed breast milk) after.  That takes a long time.  I am still pumping every 3 hours and we are using the expressed breast milk (EBM) to bottle feed so that hubby can help and I can take a break.  It's quite tiring and I hope to get it down to a better process soon.  Right now, I tandem about 2-3 feeds per day, and we do bottle feeds twice a day (if someone is around to help hubby).  The other feeds are a combo of bottle and breast.  It's going alright, but some days are tough.  The other day there was a stretch where the boys weren't on the same schedule and I fed every hour for 4 hours straight!  It's hard to know whether to keep them on the same schedule so that I can tandem feed them at the same time, or stagger them.  When they are on the same schedule they wake up together super hungry and that is stressful if I'm on my own trying to feed them both (one bottle and one breast).  But staggering them takes longer, which is tough too.  I almost wanted to give up breastfeeding this week, but I have heard from others that the 6-7 week stretch is tough and if you keep going, it gets easier.  We haven't quite figured out the dance, but I hope we get there soon! 

We still haven't made too many outings yet.  I haven't had the courage to try feeding in public.  However, we did have one exciting event this week...getting a Christmas tree from the farm.  Now we have a little bit of Christmas cheer for our babies first Christmas! 

First off, thank you to all the twin mamas who responded to my last post. I have wanted to respond to your emails individually but have not had the time.

Help!  I need your input twin mamas!

Figuring out twins is hard work!  I'm reading lots of books, but I think the best advice is direct experience.  Please let me know how you survived these early days.


Sleep:  When did your twins start to sleep longer stretches through the night?  The boys are 6 weeks old (one week adjusted age) and sleep 2 1/2-3 hours at a time. We have some help through the night now so right now we are getting by, but I'd like an idea of when I can expect them to start sleeping a little bit longer stretches.  Did you, at some point, just stop waking them for feedings through the night?  Did they wake at different times, or the same?  How did you do this???

Feeding: For those who breastfed, did you tandem or feed separately?  Everyone recommends tandem feeding and keeping them on the same schedule, but right now I find it so hard!  Our little guy has some troubles feeding and it is a lot of work to get him to have a good feed.   The bigger guy feeds so fast and then gets fussy waiting around for his brother.  To have them feed separately, though, seems super tough when I'm all along.  I'm pretty sure I'll have one screaming at me the whole time I'm feeding the other one.  Any tips here?

Growth spurts:  Did you notice them?  I've read about the 6-week spurt and think we may be heading that way.  How did you survive and manage to keep your milk supply up? Were your babies fussy?  Did they sleep/eat/cry more or less? 

Outings: When did you first start making trips out in public?  And, most importantly, how did you handle feedings if you were gone that long?  How did you find it easiest to transport your babies from place to place?  Stroller?  Carriers?  Did you venture on your own or have another person? 

Sleep (again!):  How did you handle night shifts?  Did you and your partner do them all together, or did you fly solo?  Did you sleep with your babes?  When did you have them in a separate room?  The nights are by far the toughest for me right now.

Okay, so clearly I have lots to ask!  Would LOVE any input you have.   If anyone wants to respond by email, rather than with a comment, my address is saralynn.kang@gmail.com.

I wanted to make sure I didn't give the wrong impression yesterday about how I have bonded with these little guys.  I have so many moments throughout the day where I can't believe how incredible this really is.  When the boys lie next together and interact with their hands and their little noises, when I hold them and they stare back at me with bright, wide eyes, when nothing will satisfy their cries except milk from mommy, when they come out of the bath all fresh and snuggly, when I kiss their baby soft skin, I am overwhelmed with the realization that these boys are MINE!  Sometimes, though, it seems like the realization is more cerebral and less of a feeling.  Does that make sense?  I know the feelings will follow but I think I had to keep my feelings guarded and at bay for so long (to avoid an emotional collapse) that they will take a while coming back.  This is just what the bonding process looks like for me. 

Still, there is no doubt about it that these boys have stolen my heart.  I will never be the same again.

Today is the first anniversary of the due date of our first angel baby.  He/she would have been one year old.  Interesting how it falls so close to the due date of our twin boys.  Yesterday I cried with a close friend who just found out that her baby stopped growing at 10 weeks gestation.  It brought me back to the emotions of it all.  And yet, having two sleeping babies by my side does make it easier.  I still mourn for that baby.  She/he was the original fulfillment of so many dreams.  This time of year will always be a time of remembering.

Now that I am starting to feel settled at home again, the emotions of the past three months are starting to surface.  You know how you can operate on adrenalin for a while and eventually your physical body crashes and catches up with you?  I feel like that is what happened with my emotions.

Looking back, I can say now that I had a difficult pregnancy.  The first trimester was great!  I wasn't that sick, we were so excited about the twins, and I even managed to enjoy a trip to Australia.  It was during the second trimester that things became tough.  I had read about the challenges and complications common in twin pregnancies, but I didn't expect to be affected so deeply by it all.  First was the bleeding, then came stopping work early (at 24 weeks), then came house bed rest, followed by more bleeding, and finally hospital bed rest (3 hours away from home) with more bleeding.  This continued right until the birth.  The birth, itself, was probably the "easiest" part of it all, but that was closely followed by quite a stay (21 days) in the NICU, in a different town than we live in.  All in all, I spent 10 weeks away from home, 7 of those on hospital bed rest.

I am trying to figure out exactly how I feel about it all.  It's not quite anger, but I do feel ripped off that after all our years of struggling, I wasn't able to enjoy a "blissful" pregnancy the way that other people do.  But really, that is a minor feeling.  I more so feel like this whole experience has changed me in an intangible way.  I do not feel like the same person I was 9 months ago.  I know that my experience with infertility will never leave me.  However, I had already resolved the impact that infertility had on me and come to peace with my identity.  Also, having babies allowed me to close a chapter in the book of infertility.  There are still scars there but they are not at the forefront any longer.  Now I feel I have a new wound from the trauma of the pregnancy experience.  Like infertility, it also is a wound that other people cannot see or understand.  Yet it has impacted me so deeply.  I don't know how or when it will heal.  I just feel like it has altered the core of who I am.

The main place I see this represented right now is in regard to my bond to my babies.  Some people talk about being instantly in love with their babies when they meet them.  Other people experience a bonding process that evolves over time.  I think I would classify myself in that latter category.  I know there is no doubt that I am filled with a greater love than ever before for these babies.  I have become a protective mama bear.  I would (and have!) sacrifice anything for them.  But I don't always feel the gushy, lovey-dovey feelings right now.  I think that is in direct relation to the emotional healing that I am going through.  Again, I feel ripped off by this.  I guess it's just my way of grieving and reaching a place of healing.  I get scared by the idea of post-partum depression, especially since I tick off a lot of the boxes for risk factors.  But I don't think I am depressed.  I just think my bond with these babies needs to evolve in its own way and time. 

It's not that I feel judged by others about this either.  I guess I just don't feel like anyone would really understand what I'm going through.  That's the best way I can describe it right now.  I write this post in case there is someone else out there who may be feeling similar, so that you can know you are not alone. 

Nov. 22, 2013 - Tomorrow is the 40 week due date for my pregnancy.  And the twins are 5 weeks old!  My, oh my. 

I thought I'd do an update on how things are going at home here with the boys.  Today is the first day I actually have time (and energy) to sit and write some thoughts down.  I know that I have found it so helpful to look at other twin blogs to find perspective, and I hope this can be of help to others who are in similar situations. 

We had a doctor's visit today and the boys were weighed.  They sure have grown!  From last week MJ was up a whole pound (!) and now weighs 7lb,4oz (birth weight 5,9).  RJ was also up and is now 6lb,2oz (birth weight 4,12).  They both have grown in length and are starting to outgrow some of their preemie outfits (so sad!).  I'm pretty sure we have outfits they haven't even worn yet too.  It's happening so fast!  There is not too much more to say about the boys right now.  Since they are still preemie, they basically only sleep and eat.  They don't have very much awake time.  Whenever they do, we try to put them together, or give them tummy time, but this only happens once or twice a day for a short period of time.  RJ has been the fussier one - wanting to be held a lot, and having troubles spitting up and having an upset tummy.  He's smaller and just underdeveloped a bit.  MJ is very chill and just likes to sleep! 

The biggest challenge so far has been figuring out the feedings.  We have done a combination of tandem feeding, bottle feeding (expressed milk), and individual breastfeeding.  My goal is to do mostly tandem feeding, with the odd bottle in the night or if we go out and leave them with the grandparents.  MJ is a breastfeeding champ, but RJ is little and sometimes does better with the bottle (depends on his energy).  Since we're still getting the hang of breastfeeding, we have also been topping up every feed with a bottle.  This makes for a lot of work!  Breastfeed, prepare bottles, bottle feed, settle, put down, pump.  It is also a lot of work to learn to tandem feed, so some feeds I will breastfeed one and let someone else bottle feed the other.  Through the night (the 2am and 5am) we usually just bottle feed since it is easier and quicker. 

Now that we know that they are gaining weight just fine, I hope to eliminate some steps and make the process a bit quicker.  Right now it takes just over an hour to complete everything.  Then they sleep for an hour or two, and we start it all over again.  Today, for the first time, I managed to tandem feed them both all by myself!  It is quite tricky to figure out how to burp them, but the rest of it I can manage (I'll post more on that another time).  I'd like to mostly tandem feed them since it keeps them on the same schedule and is much faster without the bottles and the pumping.  Still, it's nice that they can take a bottle as this will make life much easier for some situations.

So far my milk supply has been enough.  This weekend we had a scare and thought we weren't going to make it so we picked up some formula, but we haven't had to use it yet.  Since I started focusing on tandem feeding more frequently, my supply seems to have increased.  I'm also taking fenugreek and eating lots of foods that promote breastmilk (avocado, cashes, oatmeal, non-alcoholic beer).  I find my supply is also definitely affected when I am tired, hungry or thirsty.  I am eating so much food!  More than when I was pregnant I think (which may explain why I haven't lost much... but I am so hungry all the time!).  I try to rest lots, but I am finally feeling like I can think about other things in life than just survival, which is nice too.  I do feel like we have a bit of a routine now, and that is so important to me!  It helps me cope with all of this so much better.  I'll blog about it another day. 

The upcoming goals include:
- Mastering feeding on my own (my mother-in-law leaves in one week and I'll be on my own for reals then!)
- Taking the boys on an outing (other than just to the doctor)
- Figuring out how to do feeds in public (twin moms... what do you do???)
- Starting an exercise routine!  I hope to start walking myself this week (too cold to bring the boys) and doing some yoga at home.  My 6-week postpartum visit is next week and I hope to get the go-ahead for more exercise then.
- Getting the boys to sleep for a longer stretch through the night (any advice from preemie moms on when and how this starts to happen?)

And now, a few pictures to leave you with (since that's the best part, right?)

Coming HOME!

Boys and their toys

First fight?

Pup getting to know them

Bright eyes

Loving this!!!

Happy one month baby boys!

We did it!  We survived our first week at home.  Even though the boys are 4 weeks old (can you believe that?!?), it feels like they were just born as we made the transition from the NICU to our home last week.  It hasn't been an easy week, but we are all alive, and starting to settle into a routine (if you can call it that, with twins). 

Our triumphs of the week include: keeping the babies fed, clean and loved, learning to tandem feed, and making it out of the house once to the doctor's office.  Both boys are gaining weight too, so that is a win! 

The sleep deprivation has been tough as the boys eat at least every 3 hours and the whole process still takes us at least an hour to complete.  That only leaves 1-2 hours in-between for eating, resting, or doing anything around the house.  Luckily our parents have been lifesavers!  DH's mom is staying with us and cooks all the meals (literally handing us plates of food), cleans up, does all the laundry (which there is lots of), and takes a night shift so we can sleep.  My parents take care of our dog, run errands and help with feeds whenever they can.

While it has been a blur, I am proud of how we have managed so far.  I'm a bit emotional these days, partially due to the lack of sleep, but also as I process and grieve the journey that got us here.  I have a lot of emotions about how tough it was and I am only starting to realize some of them now.  But that's a story for another day! 

Seven years of waiting, wishing, hoping and praying,
Ten rounds of clomid and monitored cycles,
Four IUI's,
One miscarriage and angel baby,
Three and a half months of bed rest,
Seven weeks in the hospital on bed rest,
Ten weeks away from home,
Innumerable ultrasounds,
Two different hospitals,
Three trips to emergency
Countless nurses, IVs, and blood tests,
Thirteen hours of labour,
Twenty one days spent in the NICU...

And we are home with our two precious miracles.  It wasn't easy, but it was worth it all.

We are so close!  Tonight we have been invited back to "room-in" with the boys in the NICU.  This means that they are in a private room and we will stay overnight and do all their feeds and caretaking ourselves through the night, just as if we were at home. If they do well, we get to go HOME tomorrow!!!!!

Tomorrow is their twin due date (38 weeks) and 3 weeks since they were born.  It would be so incredible to take them home on such a special day.

DH and I took a night off the other night and went home.  It was the first time I had been home in 10 weeks.  TEN WEEKS!  It was overwhelming and emotional, but great to help prepare me for this transition.  We tried to get a lot of rest, but I just wanted to nest and organize so badly.  Most of that will have to be done once we're home though.  At least I got to see the nursery (for the first time) and start to lay out things in my head for how life will be.

Hopefully the next time I update it will be from somewhere other than the NICU...

Baby B on left, Baby A on right

Happy Two Weeks baby boys!  This is their first "cuddle" session together.  You can't really tell, but they had their hands on top of one another in the middle (so freaking cute!!!).  The boys are champs.  I'm still figuring out how to refer to them on my blog (since I don't want to use their names much online), but Baby A is a bottle champ!  He is finishing bottles in 15 minutes and almost feeding exclusively on bottles (since I haven't been able to breastfeed).  Baby B prefers the breast and is a bit slower at feeding by bottle, but he will get there.   The nurses are even talking about us possibly going home soon!  So. In. Love.

Well it's been an eventful few days here.  First off, the boys are great!  I'll update more on them later.

 I'm having a hard day today.

The boys are doing fantastic in the NICU.  They are both feeding champs and have put on weight the past 2 days, rather than going down.  Hopefully they keep it up till they reach their birth weight again.  They still are being tube fed for some feedings, but are gaining more strength and doing longer feeds from the breast and bottle.  Both of their bilirubin levels have been up and down so they have been on and off the jaundice lights.  Hopefully they stay steady for a bit now and then they can be transferred to open cots instead of the isolettes.  We gave each of them their first sponge bath.  One liked it, the other did not.  But the cuddles afterwards when they were wrapped up in warm blankets were definitely loved!  The nurses keep telling us that once they start eating well, things often progress really quickly.  It's like a switch goes on and they usually go home within a few days.  I am preparing for us to be here at least till their twin date (Nov. 8th) but I'd love to go home earlier!

Today I just felt lonely and isolated.  Living in a crappy motel in a town that is not yours while your babies are in the NICU is HARD!  When we are not at the hospital, we are in the motel watching TV and eating take-out, or sleeping.  We have a tiny kitchen and try to eat breakfast and lunch here, but it's just not ideal.  I miss my house.  I miss my dog so much!  I just want our family to be at home all together.

I had a rough day on Friday too.  I ended up bleeding a bunch more and since I don't have a doctor here, the nurse sent me to emergency to see a doctor.  An ultrasound showed that I had retained pregnancy tissue in my uterus and I was given misoprostol to work it out.  Before I could take it, though, I started bleeding really heavily and went back to emergency.  I was admitted and ended up being monitored there for 5 hours after taking the misoprostol.  We didn't realize it at the time, but the misoprostol has side effects, such as uncontrollable shaking and fever.  I thought it was from the bleeding and it was just a real scary time.  I was so upset with having to be away from the boys.  Luckily, they had a really good nurse on and I had enough milk stocked to last the night so when I was discharged we were able to go back and rest.  I think the experience just was really draining on both DH and I.  He had a bad day yesterday, and I did today.  Parenting through that kind of stress is tough.  Being all alone through it is tough too.  Hopefully tomorrow we will wake up feeling refreshed and recovered to get back in the swing of things again.

Well, it's a long one, but if you want to read it, here it is!

Twin Foxes Birth Story

Oct. 16th

The official birth story starts on Oct. 16th at Jeneece Place (the housing unit we were staying at). After having a regular, good day, I took a nap. When I woke up I wasn't feeling great and was stretching on the bed when I all of a sudden felt a gush. I excitedly got up and told DH that I thought my water was breaking. I ran to the washroom and sat on the toilet and saw that it was actually blood. It was gushing though and I thought maybe it was mixed with my water breaking.  Once it subsided a bit, I called L&D to tell them we were coming in, and DH wheeled me over to the hospital. They were all waiting for me (having known my history) and admitted me right away (the OB who had admitted me was even there and said I did great for holding out so long).

While there they tried to check to see if it was my water that had broken, but there was too much blood so they couldn't get a good read. I was having contractions but they were not regular or very strong. I guess they did make the call that I was likely going into labour, but the problem was that the nursery was full! So after all our waiting, they transferred me to the hospital an hour away from our home.  DH quickly packed up our things and met me there shortly after (I arrived about 11:30pm). That night was pretty restless, with the nurses checking my vitals every 2 hours, the lab in to do blood work, and an early morning wake-up call.

Oct. 17th

In the morning, I was sent for an ultrasound right away to see if we could tell from the fluid levels if my water had broken. There was a student technician doing the measurements, but her supervisor came in at the end. At the same time the OB came in to take a look. They had determined that the fluid was quite low around both babies. The OB also described to us that he was worried that if I hemmoraged again, it could put Baby A at much more risk (and he was worried my previous bleeds had affected him already). Also my platelets were quite low. If they dropped anymore, he said the anesthiologist would deny me an epidural, so I would have to have a c-section for sure. The anesthiologist who was on at the time was willing to give me an epidural with my levels being as low as they were. We were given some time to think through the decision, but determined that it was probably best for them to induce me and get the babies out. I took a shower, and then things really started to happen!

Around 2:00 the anaesthesiologist came in to place the epidural. This is the part I was most scared of, but it actually was not bad at all. Our anesthesiologist was quite a character. He was a tall, shaggy haired man, who spoke in a mumbled voice with a South African accent. He was extremely nonchalant, almost to the point of not seeming to care about what he was doing. But he did a fantastic job! I was also put on oxycotin to start the contractions. For the rest of the afternoon, I did not feel very much but visited and rested. I was confined to bed since my legs became numb with the epidural. Mom and dad were by for a visit and then my best friend arrived to help us along as our doula. That evening was a bit of a blur to me. I don't remember it being painful, but with all the drugs I was a bit out of it. My friend, DH and I visited, the nurses checked my vitals, I was hooked up to the monitors continually to keep an eye on the babies. I was really tired, so I tried to rest and did manage to sleep a bit. DH and my riend dozed by my side. In a way, it was a magical night. Outside there was a full moon (well, technically full the next night) but there was such thick fog you couldn't see it. The streetlights made the fog look orange and beautiful. In the room, we had the lights dim and were playing relaxing music featuring double bass (Garth Stevenson).  I will always remember that time.

The OB came periodically to check me. It wasn't until 11:00pm when things started to get pretty painful, and I was 8cm dilated. I couldn't feel the contractions in the top of my uterus, but with both babies' heads so low, there was extreme pressure/pain down low. The next 3 hours were a blur. As contractions progressed and became more painful, I drew within myself. I close my eyes, breathed through them, worked on relaxation skills, and tapped my fingers (while lying in the bed). DH tried to talk to me at times, but I couldn't really acknowledge their presence. Somehow, this was time for me alone.

At 2:00am the OB checked me and said that I was fully dilated. So, I was wheeled to the OR. While things were getting set up the nurse taught me how to push. DH and my friend held my legs and I worked at finding the right position to push. Since I had the epidural I couldn't feel all the contractions, but the nurse directed me. At one point, though, I stopped needing direction as I could tell when contractions were coming and I had to tell the people supporting me to get in place. It was about an hour of pushing before Baby A (Rivers) made his appearance! Once his head had appeared, I just needed to get him out. I pushed so hard! Everyone was giddy and excited as they could see his head full of hair. He had a short umbilical cord and was placed on my belly but could not make it up to my chest. DH cut his cord and looked to see that he was a boy! We were so surprised as we thought he was a girl.   The nurses were most concerned about him so he was taken away pretty quickly to be examined and DH went with him.

I spent some time trying to rest and recover but soon wanted to get the show on the road and get Baby B out! I think they turned up the oxycotin to increase my contractions, since labour was not getting going quickly again on its own. I thought it might only be a few more minutes/pushes until Baby B showed up. Boy was I wrong! Baby B must have been very comfortable and took his time coming down to the birth canal. I was pushing as hard as I could (even harder than before) but it really felt like nothing was happening. I was exhausted from pushing out Rivers, and not eating since noon the day before, but I just had to keep pushing. I remember it being so frustrating because it felt like nothing was happening, even though each push WAS directing him the right way. It was nearly a full 2 hours of pushing before the weight of his head entered the birth canal and he was ready to come out. Seriously, I did not think I was going to make it though that time. I kept telling the nurses that I couldn't do it... That I was way too tired. I didn't want a c-section, but I honestly did not think it was going to ever end. Finally it did though. I was nearly delirious from exhaustion but all of a sudden people were excited around me and told me he was coming out. The nurse kept telling me to look down to see his head, and I remember just being so angry at her. I didn't want to look! I just wanted to get that baby out! Then, at 5:22am, Micah Jude was born. As the cord was cut, we were all asking DH to say what he was, and DH was just smiling giddily not really comprehending. Finally he looked and announced that it was a boy. Micah was placed up on my chest and I was given longer to spend time with him. That moment will be forever engrained in my heart.

They took him to be checked over and DH went with him. Next it was time to deliver the placenta. I was worried this would hurt but it was super easy and came out in a couple pushes. Interestingly, the placentas were partially fused together. The doctor checked me out and said their was minor tearing so he put 4 stitches in. I just remember feeling so exhausted. All I wanted was to close my eyes and rest. Finally things were cleaned up enough and I was wheeled back to my room. The babies were being settled in the nursery with DH and I was given a chance to rest. I must have been so tired because I wasn't worried about the babies and was able to zonk out for an hour or two immediately. And then it was the "start of the day" and we began our journey with preemies in the NICU. Our first visit to see them is a blur, but they were tucked away in their incubators keeping safe. They were hooked up to the monitors, on IV, and given feeding tubes, but they were as sweet as ever! We were able to give them little cuddles for a short period of time. They needed their rest, and we did too.

And that's the story of the birth of my twin foxes.  It took me a little while to recover emotionally from all the craziness but as I am settling into things, I find myself so in love with these little guys.  I didn't know my heart could be this full.

Today marks one week since my precious boys entered this world.  One week already!  It has been a whirlwind full of highs and lows, but I wouldn't trade it for a thing. My love for these babies grows stronger every day.  

Hey everyone,

Thought I'd do a bit of an update to let you know how our boys are doing here at the NICU.  Wow, as much as I had read about life in the NICU, you can not be prepared for the intensity of what it is like.  Overall, our boys are doing very well and we are so fortunate that they do not have many more concerns.  Their breathing (heart and lungs) don't seem to have any problems at all (whew!).  The biggest thing we are working on right now is their feedings.  They are both being tube fed (through the nose) and their food is given through a pump that gives out a certain amount over the period of an hour.  They both have been spewing up their food and retaining a lot of air in their bellies, which is not helping them gain the weight and strength they need.  They also are borderline for jaundice so they are being treated under the lights.  R has had  few apnea episodes, but the nurses think it is just when he is spewing and his body is actually protecting him by not allowing him to choke on the spew.

Today was a good day, though!  The twins had their IVs taken out (from antibiotics and extra fluids), they learned through the night to suck on a pacifier, AND (best of all) they each got their first chance at the breast!  Both were able to latch on right away, but it still is such a big task for little guys that they did not last long.  As soon as they tired, we just moved them to kangaroo care position and I got to cuddle them while they received the rest of their food through the tube.  That was so special!  We will try to keep that up as they build up strength to be able to breastfeed.  My milk has come in and I am now producing enough that they don't neeed to be supplemented with formula (hooray!!). Hopefully that trend continues.

As for me (and my hubby), I am recovering fantastically physically from labour.  Yesterday the day 3 baby blues hit, and they still are lingering, but I'm getting by.  What has been hardest is having people not understand how difficult this really is.  It's not like struggling with infertility for 6 years, experiencing a miscarriage, and having a complicated pregnancy were enough... now we have babies that are in the NICU.  That is the intensive care unit!  We are receiving lots of congratulations (which we love), but nobody has acknowledged how difficult this part of the journey is.  Everyone just expects that things are all peachy keen now that the babies are "safely out."  Things ARE peachy keen and we are so happy, but this is another challenge to deal with and it is truly tough!

Tomorrow I am likely being discharged.  This is a whole other scary thing to deal with, but I'm trying not to think about it too much until it happens.  Remember, we don't live in this city, so we will likely be staying in a hotel (or a family friend's house) and commuting back and forth to the hospital to be with the babes as much as possible.  It's going to be so hard being far away from them, but harder too to manage the scheduling of pumping, feeding, cuddling, getting rest, eating properly, etc.  But again, we will deal with it when it happens.  We don't really have another choice.

So, that is where we are at now.  I will try to update from time to time.  It's nice to sit down and make some sense of what is going on, but it is also nice to nap (and that is my first priority!).

I'm planning to post a bit later today when I have a moment to catch my breath, but couldn't help but share a photo to make you smile. These boys are 

Everyone, I would love to introduce you to our twin boys, born earlier this morning (Oct. 18th) at 3:37am and 5:30am.  

I was induced. These babies are on their way.  We are doing a vaginal delivery with an epidural at this point.  It started an hour ago and I am 3cm dilated already!   The next time I update it will be with babies in tow!!!

Still waiting to hear the plan. Had an ultrasound this morning. The concern is that if there is not enough fluid around babies they may need to get them out ASAP!  The doctor should be in shortly with the results.  This is so crazy!   

For the record, 34 weeks, 5 days.  Exactly 7 weeks since I was originally admitted. 

34 weeks!  34 weeks!  So glad to be at this point.  Of course, the longer we can keep going, the better, but this is such a huge milestone for me.  Maybe it's because I was born as a 34-weeker preemie, so it doesn't feel so scary to me.  We really are in the final countdown now, as it isn't likely we would go past 38 weeks.  Eeeek!  In this next month, we are going to have our babies!

Mood: Definitely more hormonal this week.  Just ask DH and he will confirm that. I've cried over ridiculous things, got mad at him for dumb things, and been anxious in general.  Whew!  Add in feeling homesick, a bit lonely, and transitioning out of the hospital and I've been a sweet mess (maybe I'll write more on the emotions later on). Fortunately, DH is taking it in stride and keeps telling me he loves me just the same.

Food: Suddenly my stomach has stopped working.  Okay, maybe it's been pushed out of the way and flattened into a pancake, but I just can't seem to eat!  It's so disappointing because I'm out of the hospital and just want to eat all sorts of things... but I literally take 5 bites and I'm full.  Also nothing really sounds or tastes good to me right now.  And it is Canadian Thanksgiving this weekend.  Guess I won't be enjoying my turkey this year.

Body: Hmm... where to begin!  I think this past week has been the toughest on my body so far.  My belly is so heavy.  I have terrible pelvic pain that goes down through my crotch and into my inner thighs.  The nighttime seems to be the worse and I flip positions a million times at night and have to prop myself up with all sorts of pillows (in addition to now getting up to pee 3-4x per night).  My bowels are all over the place (including the start of the dreaded "H" word, which I won't expand on at this point).  The stretch marks are coming out all over.  I am just uncomfortable all over!  But, I still love the look of my growing belly and it fascinates me every time I see it.

Movement: I thought these babies would be running out of room in there, but it turns out less space = more violent movements.  At least that is how it feels on the outside.  Jabs and pokes and limbs all over the place!  I do love it, but there are times it does just hurt.  I think I have been having more braxton hicks lately too.  The time is drawing nearer...

Notable Moments: Being discharged from the hospital!  Reaching 34 weeks.

Countdown: So, now the question goes out to you... how much longer do YOU think these babies will stay in here for?  Now that we have reached this point, I have no idea whether to expect them in the next week, or whether they will stay put a bit longer.  I'd love to hear your guesses!

We made it!  We made it!  34 weeks, here we are!!!  I'll write a full post later, but just had to share my enthusiasm and excitement on reaching this milestone. This is the week I was aiming for when I found out we were having twins.  

Okay, this photo was from last night, but it was the ultimate indulgence.  I sent DH out on a late night ice cream run (can you believe it's the first time I've done that in this 33 weeks?). We sat out in the common room by the fireplace and ate right out of the tub.  Then back to the room where I got to sleep in a glorious queen size bed with a down duvet and my hubby cuddled up next to me.  It was a dream come true night!  

DISCHARGED!

The day is officialy here!  I am being released from the hospital, one day shy of 6 weeks exactly.  Words cannot explain how excited I am.

As I mentioned before, I will be staying just next door to the hospital in a house built by the Children's Health Foundation.  It is a house for people from out-of-town, whose children are sick in the hospital.  While we don't technically fit that criteria, we do have babies on the way who need to remain close to the hospital.  I am still on strict bed rest, and I will be having regular appointments with the doctor, weekly ultrasounds, and NSTs twice a week.  In a lot of ways, though, I am now just a "normal" 33 1/2 week pregnant lady with twins.  Hooray!!!!

I'll post a more detailed report of how things are going at 34 weeks.

Now, to figure out what to eat tonight to celebrate my first non-hospital meal...

As I near the end of my hospital bedrest stay (*fingers crossed*) I have been thinking about what the experience is like.  For anyone who ends up in the hospital on bed rest like me (not that I wish it upon anyone), I thought it would be helpful to write a post about the things that have helped me get through my time.  I have found it extremely helpful to read other stories of ladies who have been through similar situations.  Somehow it gives me the strength to keep on going on those days when it is especially tough.  At the end of this blog, I gave some links of some of the stories that helped me through.  So far, I have spent just under 6 weeks on hospital bedrest.  The one nice thing I should mention is that I live in Canada, so healthcare is provided and I did not have to pay out of pocket for my mandatory time here.

These are some of the things I would suggest to get you through the time.  Eventually, it will all feel like a blur as the days roll into each other, but this does provide you a sense of normalcy in an otherwise not normal situation:

1. Create some sort of a daily routine.  Getting up at the same time, getting ready, and having a "plan" of how you will spend your day helps create a rhythm for your day.  The plan could be as simple as reading a chapter in a specific book, or going for an ultrasound in the afternoon.  Something about having a routine makes you feel more human, and less like a blob in the bed.
2. Get "ready" every day.  If you are able, take the time to shower, get dressed, and get yourself ready (hair, makeup) for the day.  I understand you may not be able to get up and out of bed, but you can still brush your hair and put it up, wash up, or do something to make yourself feel ready.  I made a point to shower every day, even when I didn't need to.  For one thing, this kills time, and for another, it provides a breaking point between days and, again, makes you feel more human.
3. Develop a good relationship with the nurses.  At the hospital I am in, there are 70 nurses who work on this unit and L&D.  Usually I meet a new nurse every day but there are a few who have been around more that I have gotten to know.  I found that if I was friendly to them, they were friendly right back, and willing to help me out and give me privileges when able to.  I even spent some time making a little gift for them.  I took a glass jar and used magazine clippings to make a thank you collage on the jar.  Then I filled it with hard wrapped candies and left it for the nurses.  They loved it, and it definitely got me in the "good books."  
4. Use a sleeping mask/ear plugs at night to get a good sleep.  I had a much easier time sleeping in a private room, but I would definitely recommend whatever sleep aids you need to get you through the night.  If you are up in the night, the next day seems that much longer as the day/night kind of blur together.  Getting a good night's sleep sets you up to enjoy the next day much more.  
5. Take up something crafty to do with your hands.  Reading and watching TV occupies the mind, but sometimes it is just nice to DO something.  Knitting, crotcheting, scrapbooking... anything that engages the mind and the hands is great.  
6. Call in as many visitors as you can (and ask them to bring you food!).  At first I was overwhelmed by the amount of people visiting, but it really does help the time go by.  There were only a handful of days that nobody came to see me (when DH was back at home), and these were the longest days.  
7. If you can't have a lot of visitors, make sure to sign up for an online support group.  There are some great sites where you can connect with other moms on bed rest (Check out www.mamasonbedrest.com to start).  I didn't have internet available for the first month, so I didn't get plugged in, but I could see how this would be an invaluable resource!  
8. Be sure to keep your body healthy and happy as much as you can.  I was given bed rest exercises to do (every hour, which I didn't follow).  I did a good stretch a few times throughout the day and moved my leg muscles whenever I remembered.  I also took a jam-like substance called Fruitlax every day to keep those bowels moving.  You will get so sick of the nurses asking you about your bowels, but it is best to do what you can to keep them in action, because the alternate is not very fun.  
9. Keep a journal of your time.  I did not explicitly keep a journal (apart from these blog posts), but I had a notebook I used.  Every day I wrote down the date and put down anything that happened that day...ultrasounds, baby growth information, blood levels, etc.  This helped me to remember details (in case the nurses asked me later) and keep track of my time in the hospital.
10. Make the room your own.  In whatever way you can, bring touches of your world and yourself into the room.  Plants work great to bring life to boring hospital colours.  Bring in pictures of family, pets, your house... things that you will miss seeing on a daily basis.  Use your own pillow and/or blanket.  My dear mother-in-law, bought me a beautiful bamboo humidifier that you could put essential oils into.  I didn't want to overwhelm the ward with the scent, but I'd put a slight drop into the water just to bring a pleasant small.  It also became the talk of the town and every one who visited my room would comment on it (that, and the collection of baby clothes I had hanging from the shelf).  
11. When you have a bad day, just get through it.  Some days will be especially tough, and you may be grumpy and cry all day.  But the next day always starts fresh!  Even when you think you can't make it through any longer... you DO.  You don't really have a choice.  This helped me gain perspective when I felt I was losing it.
12. If possible, have benchmarks to look forward to and celebrate them when you reach them.  For me, these were the two week increments of pregnancy (28, 30, 32, 34 weeks, etc.).  DH and I would always celebrate with some treat. One week my dog came to visit and I got to go outside and see her.  One week I was given a pass to go out for dinner.  Even when I had to stay in, some days I would dress up, get myself ready, and DH would bring in fast-food.  Anything to provide a break from the monotony helps.  

Here are a few other blogs with tips:

http://www.modernmom.com/blogs/lori-bregman/how-to-survive-bed-rest

http://broadwaybabies.wordpress.com/2011/12/

http://futuresupermom.wordpress.com/tag/hospital-bed-rest/

Not a post about the babies... I feel like I have to clarify that with each post, as the time is drawing nearer and nearer.

I received some great news today!  This morning my doctor came in and sat down to have a "chat."  She said that the medical team had been speaking about me yesterday. DH and I had informally decided it might be best for us to stay in Victoria until the birth.  We've got a nice routine down here, the staff all know me, we have some family here, and DH is able to stay in the housing next door, rather than a hotel further away.  And, since I've been so stable, the medical team decided that I could be discharged early next week (when DH is back in town) to stay at the Children's Foundation Housing next door too!  I'd still be on strict bedrest, and would go to appointments at the maternity clinic and be monitored at the hospital BUT, I don't have to stay at the hospital.  HOORAY!!!!  This is the best news EVER!  I had spoken to a doctor about this possibility yesterday but she sounded like it just wasn't worth it for me.  She said that I'd probably be more active than I realize, and half the time, ladies are discharged and back in the hospital 24 hours later in active labour.  I am resolved for that NOT to be me.  As long as someone is with me at the house, all I will have to do is walk from the room to the dining area.  I still won't do cooking, and I will have a wheelchair if I want to move around a bit more.  It will be so nice!

Of course this means DH and I are committed to staying here probably another month at least.  Even if the babies come early, there is no way we would go home before then.  I am sad because I do miss my house, my town, and especially my DOG. I feel like she is going to forget who I am in this long absence.  But I do love the city of Victoria and am very happy to have my babies delivered here.  I also feel like the medical staff here are very capable and deliver a lot of twins, so that gives me confidence.  Wahoo!

The other thing that happened is that I was moved to the Motherbabe Unit (where moms go after the babies are born).  I guess the Antepartum unit was busy and full and they needed a room, and since I am the most stable patient, I was moved.  It will be interesting being on the floor with a lot of new babies, but it's only a few nights.  I just told my babies they can't be triggered into making an appearance even if they hear all these other babies crying all around them.

To top it all off, I still have a nice view.  What a good day!

33 Weeks pregnant with twins.  In the home stretch now.  If I make it 3 more weeks, I even get to go home and give birth in my home city.  C'mon babies!  Here's a recap on how things are:

Mood: After my hormone surge last week I think my body has resettled again.  I haven't had any meltdowns (so far) this week.  The only tears have come when I decided to spend a night watching YouTube videos of twin births.  That was emotional!  I haven't felt as overwhelmed, or anxious about being in the hospital.  I actually find myself "nesting" in my little hospital room, as weird as that may sound.  It's like I have kind of turned myself off from the outside world and am tuning in to my inner world in preparation for these babies.

Food: Blech... so sick of hospital food!  Fortunately, I can't eat a lot at once anymore, but I am hungry more often.  Snacks have become my best friend, and it is great when someone brings me something from the outside world.  My blood sugar has been very stable so I've even been allowing myself a few treats (shh...don't tell).  Still loving fruit and cold beverages.  I wonder if that will suddenly stop once I give birth?

Body: Well, in some regards I wouldn't call it the most cooperative, but I guess it's doing alright.  Since the bleeding/clot incident on Tuesday I have been spotting all week, which is expected.  My cervix is still the same length (2cm) and not dilated (hooray!).  In some ways, I think my body is doing great at keeping these babies in, kind of like it did with my first pregnancy where I had miscarried but my body didn't want to let it go.  Maybe I will go to full term!  I must say I am very uncomfortable.  My last measurement showed that I was almost 39 weeks in size, and both babies are head down.  I have a lot of inner hip/groin/crotch pain, especially at night and when switching positions.  My weight had dipped down a few pound last week (but I think it's because I hadn't eaten much the previous  night and was hungry).  And those darn stretch marks have made their appearance known.  I have a few new ones on my inner upper thigh, and some just above my crotch.  Oh well!

Movement: Babies are getting more and more active... or maybe it's just that I feel every kick and squirm since they are running out of room.  Baby B gets the hiccups all the time.  I think Baby A has started to as well, but I feel it within, and not so much on the outside.

Sleep: Sleeping good through the night with about 2 trips to the bathroom.  Taking a daily nap too.

What I miss most: Walking (especially in this lovely fall weather), drinking wine, being able to bend over enough to shave my legs, my dog!, my home, fresh coffee

Notable moments: DH got to come to the ultrasound this week.  I didn't realize how few he has been to but this was only his 3rd time!  It was a full growth scan so he got to see quite a bit (though he said it was a bit boring waiting for all the measurements, haha, what a guy response!).

Oh, and I never did give an update on the babies!  Fluids and placentas and everything looked great.  Baby A is measuring (drum roll please....) 4lb,5oz and apparently has long legs.  Baby B still has a big head (90th percentile) and is measuring 5lb,2oz!  The report said that they have had "excellent growth."  That means I'm carrying close to 10lbs of baby!!!  Also, during the ultrasound we couldn't get a profile of B since he/she was facing towards my back, BUT, the tech was able to point out little tufts of hair on the head!  That was so incredible.  I definitely cried then.  I love babies that come out with hair and I was hoping ours would.  Baby A's head was too low to see if there was hair or not.

Also, I still have not been able to get into the "closer" hospital, but I'm not sure I want to at this point.  We have a good routine here and the staff all know me and my case.  This week DH got into the Children's Hospital housing next to the hospital and it is so nice!  I was even given pass to go hang out there in the afternoons twice this week.  I slept in a real bed, and drank tea that was fresh and hot, and it was just lovely!  Hopefully they have room for him to stay here next week too.  Getting out of the hospital for a few hours makes a huge amount of difference to my sanity!

Here are some pics from the house (they even have volunteers bring in some meals/desserts, and downstairs there is a theater room, a gaming room, a computer room... it is seriously so nice here!).  If the babies do come early, at least I know we will be in a great place!

I alluded to how I am feeling about being pregnant in my post yesterday.  Sometimes I still just can't believe this is happening. It's like I am going through all these motions (staying in the hospital, growing my belly, eating healthy, going to ultrasounds) with one part of my brain while there is another part that refuses to believe it. Well, maybe "refuses" is too strong of a word. It's more like part of me is in awe that this is actually REAL.  That side is sort of detached in a way. I don't know if it is self-preservation from being worried that something will still go wrong, or just a sense of shock and disbelief that  soon we will be parents to two little munchkins.  I mean, I haven't even bought any cute outfits or done shopping for them, apart from the necessary things needed for babies.  Maybe part of it is not knowing the genders too. I'm sure I'll go crazy wanting to go shopping once they arrive.

The fact that they are twins is even more mind blowing. I don't know how I will get used to the "twin hype" that I hear that Twinkie moms (moms of twins) experience.  This has never been on my radar. I guess I see these babies as such individuals that I don't think of them as "twins" in the way most people do.  I just feel like we are adding two babies to our family at the same time. The fact that we are adding any babies at all is what is extraordinary to me.

Nope, no babies yet... I'll just clear the air with that one first off.

Time for a belly update!  Here I am at 32 weeks with twins. I expected I'd look bigger but the bump really does wrap around my belly towards my back more than sticking out in front.  

Wowee!  We've made it to the 32 week mark.  I can tell you, when I was admitted to the hospital at 27w5d, I did not think we would make it this far.  This was my goal week and we are here.  Now I'm aiming for 34 weeks and I have a good chance of making it, I think.  After 34 weeks, I'd feel pretty relaxed for the babies to come at any point in time.  I know if they came now, we still could have a bit of an NICU stay, but a couple more weeks would make that stay substantially shorter.

This week was pretty uneventful (which I do think I am saying a lot these days).  I think I had a swing of hormones combined with the realization of being in the hospital for 4 weeks, and that brought my mood down for a few days.  The other day I didn't really get out of bed till 2pm and I just felt very depressed.  I've also been way more tired again, and I read that could be due to a surge in progesterone around this point in time.  It's hard to motivate myself to do much of anything... I really just could lay around in bed all day.  I try not to, because that doesn't necessarily help my mood.  Even if I get some knitting done, or read a book, or make a blog post, I feel like I am accomplishing something.  It makes me worried that I am going to be useless when I do leave the hospital because I feel so comfortable being lazy right now (and yet I don't like it at the same time too).

Physically, I am more and more sore each day.  Those ligaments are stretched to the max and every move I make hurts.  Sleeping at night is tough, and rolling over is just painful.  I can't sleep in any position longer than an hour, which is why I am probably so tired (restless sleep).  I have quite the collection of stretch marks around the sides of my belly and now starting down my inner thigh (who knew?).  My hips, rump and upper thighs feel HUGE!  I think that is going to be the hardest weight to lose.  Fortunately, I don't have any other swelling in my ankles or face just yet.  I almost don't think I've gained a pound in my face at all.

I think I am having more braxton hicks contractions lately.  It's a weird sensation, almost as if a wave moves through my belly like a ballooon blowing up and then subsides.  The babies are somewhat active, but not too crazy.  It's just like a roley poley kind of movement.  They are crowding towards the outside of my belly, though, and there have been multiple times I have felt specific body parts (usually I'm guessing, but I'm sure I've felt a hand, a bum, and a foot).  And Baby B still gets the hiccups every day.

That's about all I can think of right now.  I'm still waiting to hear when I will be transferred to the hospital closer to our home.  I'm occupying myself with reading (a novel series, and a book on infant brain development), watching downloaded TV shows (Scrubs, and now the fall series that are beginning - Modern Family, New Girl, The Mindy Project), and knitting (finished my preemie toques and baby legs for my niece, and am working on a neck cowl for myself and considering starting a baby sweater).  We've had sun this week that is supposed to turn to rain so I've been outside almost every day too, which is just lovely!

Happy 32 weeks!!!