First off, thanks for all the encouragement and kind comments!  I'm up and down with this bleeding/bedrest thing, but I know I'll make it through and that these two precious babes will be worth it all! 

In case you are paying attention, I've switched back to counting my pregnancy based on my last period, rather than from my IUI.  These are the dates they use in the hospital, ultrasound lab, etc. so it just makes it easier to say.  So, today I've reached 23 weeks!  One week to go to viability (though many more to go till I have peace of mind about these babies).  Despite all that has gone on this past while, here is how I am doing:

Mood: Up and down, up and down.  I felt pretty good last week, even with everything that was happening.  This week I've hit a wall.  I'm super emotional and teary, and irritated very easily.  It's funny now, but this morning DH jokingly made a comment about April O'Neil (from the cartoon Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - he totally had a crush on her as a kid, shh... don't tell him you know!), and I burst into tears.  Can you say sensitive?  I'm kind of staying away from people because I just don't know how I'll respond.

Food: My eating patterns haven't changed much throughout this last trimester.  Typically I will eat a breakfast as soon as I'm awake, a second breakfast around 10, then have lunch, maybe an afternoon snack (depending on how late dinner will be), dinner and then a bedtime or a midnight snack.  My meals are not that huge and I don't usually find myself ravenous.  Mostly I can just tell when the babies are hungry and I know I need to eat something.  Candy still makes me nauseous.  I still love cold drinks.  I probably need to up my protein intake, but I find this very hard.  My go-to foods are grains (bread, cereal, crackers), cheese, yogurt, smoothies, and lots of fruit!  I have had a bit more morning sickness lately and even puked one morning (weird!). 

Sleep: Same old... I'll take as much as I can get!  Still sleeping mostly through the night with usually one awakening to pee.  About once a week I'll have a bout of insomnia from 2-4, but that is about it.

Exercise: Since I'm on modified bed rest, I'm being very careful, specifically about how much I am on my feet and moving around.  I'll do my yoga stretches since they are done on the floor, and once things settle down I'll try a bit of swimming (or floating, I should say).  My doctor gave me a few muscle toning exercises I can do with an exercise band, but I can't do anything that would put pressure on my uterus/cervix. 

Body: Belly continues to grow!  I discovered my first small stretch mark on the side of my belly this week.  It's only about 3cm long.  My OB was impressed that I haven't had many more, based on how big I am (and how quickly I am growing, I guess).  I did mention before that my poor boobs suffered the worst with the quick growth and are covered in stretch marks now.  Hopefully those go away!  I haven't really had any other aches and pains to report.  I think I have quite a few braxton hicks (BH) these days.  Sometimes my belly just feels so hard and heavy!  It doesn't always go away within just a few minutes like BH should so I don't know if it is that, or gas, or just my irritable uterus.  I just make sure to get off my feet when it happens and usually it subsides. 

Movement: Feeling these babies moving a lot more!  Last week I was worried as Baby B does not seem as active, but I am pretty sure it is just where he/she is placed.  I felt some movements this week that I don't think were Baby A.  And then just before the latest bleeding episode, Baby A was moving around like CRAZY!  We will see them next week on u/s so I hope to figure out their movements more then!  DH has felt them moving quite a bit now.  It never grows old.

What I miss: Right now, I would love, love, love just to go for a walk!  This morning I was up early, and the air was a bit crisp, with the sun shining and all I could think about was how much I miss walking.  I can't wait to do that with the babes once they arrive!  Also, these warm summer evenings are just made for a nice glass of fruit wine to end the day with.  I'll be looking forward to that next summer too.

Notable Moments: 
-  Well, last week was the whole bleeding/L&D/bed rest fiasco, which was quite notable.  This week has involved settling into bed rest and a new limited activity routine.
- I stopped working at my counselling job this past week, which was slightly unexpected. 
- The night Baby A was moving like crazy, DH was there to feel her and couldn't believe how strong her kicks were.  I just lay there and couldn't stop grinning!
- Oh, I ordered the wallpaper for the nursery, and all the baby bedding!  My parents are picking up cribs for us in Vancouver this weekend.  We just have to wait till the wallpaper arrives so we can match a paint colour for the other walls and then we (meaning DH and my parents) will get to work.  I can't wait.  

Gah!!!  Bleeding again... Waiting to hear from my doctor as to what to do. This is starting to worry me now.

UPDATED:

Well this morning I was feeling fine.  Pretty great, actually.  I headed into work at my office job, and around 10:30, I went to the washroom to find that I had soaked through my underwear AND jeans with blood, and then I passed a pretty decent sized clot.  Rats!  I called my clinic and then packed up to head home for the day.  The bleeding subsided and I rested on and off all day.  DH made sure I did nothing but go from the bed to the bathroom and back again.  My clinic just called, saying that my doctor is not worried, and just assumes this is part of the hematoma.  She said it will come apart in pieces and this is just what is to be expected.  It just feels like overall this past week I have lost a LOT of blood.  Luckily, I have an u/s scheduled for Monday, so I'll continue to lay low until then.

Emotionally I think I have handled this well so far, but today I reached my breaking point.  I'm not super worried about the babies, though that is a thought in the back of my mind (I think I'm just scared to acknowledge it).  I am just frustrated.  I feel like this is so not fair, after all we have been through.  I'm angry at anyone who gets pregnant easily.  I don't want to waste my summer indoors on the couch.  I want to be at work.  But at the end of the day, I know these babies are the most important priority, so I will do what I need to in order for them to be safe.

On a side note, for the past few nights, Baby A has been kicking up a storm!  I wondered if that has anything to do with the bleeding.  I joked to DH that Baby A is doing his/her job to get rid of the unwanted blood.  Also, last night I had a vivid dream that I gave birth to not two, but THREE babies!  They were early and one had to go to the NICU, but they were perfect.  There were 2 girls and one boy.  Hmm... this doesn't help my gender predictions very much!  We think it is a boy and a girl, but my guess is that if it is two of one sex, they will be girls.  Watch me have the shock of a lifetime if we end up with two boys!

Thanks for listening to my vent.  I'm curling up with some popcorn and a movie tonight.  Hoping for a better day tomorrow.

It's officially one week into my bed rest experience, and I thought I'd share what my typical day looks like.  I find having a routine or schedule to my day helps tremendously!  The time really does go by quickly and, more often than not, I find that there are things that I didn't get "done" in the day, rather than I find that I am bored... at least so far. :)

Did I mention how much I LOVE my OB?  Let me say it again, in case I didn't.  My OB ROCKS!  She is just a perfect personality match for me, and I feel so reassured having her around.

This might be a bit of a long post, as am processing a lot right now.  So here's the agenda: bed rest, OB visit (baby update), and emotions.

I successfully completed 6 days of bed rest.  The time actually flew by.  Partially it was because we had a house full of people, and partially was because I was so incredibly tired!  I just slept most of it away.  Our good friends P&J were visiting this past week.  They were busy doing their own thing a lot of the time, but it was reassuring having close friends around, and they pitched in to help with cooking and cleaning.  Then, when my brother-in-law heard the news, he and his wife decided to come for the weekend to help out.  That was slightly overwhelming at first (8 people in the house), but they were super helpful and cooked all the meals, did all the clean-up, mowed our lawn, and helped with housework.  The time just flew by while I was waited on and taken care of.  Even when they all went out to our town's Market Days, they brought me back the cutest gift for the babies.

Handmade baby rattles!

Today everyone left, and I felt a sigh of relief.  It's just nice having your house back to yourself. 

My OB came back from holidays today and I was lucky enough to get in to see her.  Oh, I forgot to mention that I haven't seen any "fresh" blood since the scare on Thursdays.  I had a bit of light bleeding and spotting, but it was mostly cleared up by Saturday.  My OB confirmed that I have a hematoma (also called subchorionic hematoma, or SCH, from what I have read online), but it actually measures 5cm, which is not that small.  She hopes that I have bled most of it out and that it won't cause any further problems.  She did schedule me for a follow-up ultrasound next week to check on the hematoma, and also check the babies growth.  Oh, and the hematoma was blocking the view of Baby A's placenta, so it was hard to tell if it was connected to the succenturiate lobe or not (I know, so much medical jargon).  She said the hematoma, itself, is not dangerous, but puts me at greater risk for pre-term labour (which I am already at risk for with a multiples birth) and pre-term premature rupture of membranes (PPROM), where the placenta detaches from the uterus wall.  Which means, it still is a concern.

So... we talked about what this all means.  Basically I'm not free from bed-rest, but I guess I am going on a sort of modified bed rest.  I still have to limit my activity level extremely (no lifting, no exerting energy, no heavy cleaning, no walking, no sex, etc.), but she is willing to let me go back to work IF I feel I can handle it.  We talked about this a bit, and both agreed that I should cut back on my counselling job sooner, rather than later.  This is because though it is not physically exhausting, it is emotionally draining, and I give a lot of myself during sessions.  I was actually very relieved to hear this, because I was finding that counselling was becoming harder to do.  She said she thought that my office job in August sounded alright, but that as soon as I get enough hours for maternity leave, I should wind down work.  Wow!  I'm not even 23 weeks!

Then she talked a lot about stress and worry, and how important it was for me to keep these to a minimum.  I hadn't realized how much anxiety I had been feeling, but it definitely shone through in my appointment.  There is something about having a safe place that shows you what you have been holding in.  She agreed that I need to be doing something rather than staying indoors at home all the time, because that will just make me depressed.  But she also thinks I need to guard my energy and emotional resources as much as I can.  She suggested I find a creative outlet as a way to let out stress, that I take a book to the park or beach and relax there, and that if I need to get out to a mall or shopping, to get someone to push me in a wheelchair, haha!

I hadn't realized it, but this experience has probably affected more emotionally than I even realize right now.  Resigning myself to modified bed rest for, likely, the rest of my pregnancy, is a big thing too.  As much as it feels good to be told to relax, and I am more than happy to do what I have to for these babies, I am a "doer" at heart.  Stopping work early brings on worries of finances too.  I do have faith that things will all work out, but it is an adjustment to my mindset right now. 

So, that is where I am at right now.  I guess I need more time to process all of these changes.  I was planning to go into work tomorrow, but DH convinced me not to.  He is coming at this from much more of a protective side (which is great), and reasons that I only stopped bleeding on Saturday, and need to give my body more time.  I think I will call work (counselling office) tomorrow and speak to them about what is going on as I try to decide how to wind down.  My u/s will be scheduled in 7-10 days, and my OB wants to see me again next week.  So, that's all for now!  (Also I will try update my bump pics).  Thanks for listening/reading!

I had a pretty great day today.  I had even planned a post about how great my spirits were today.  I enjoyed being on rest, and visited with some friends, and overall was feeling good.  And then...

I took a nap around 3:00 this afternoon, and when I awoke I had to use the washroom.  The only problem was, when I went to the washroom, I started to bleed.  After I stopped peeing, the blood kept coming.  Sorry if this is TMI, but I guessed that I must have bled out 1/3 a cup of blood before it slowed down enough to put on a pad and call the clinic.  I was told to call L&D and when I did, they suggested I come in again.  Fortunately, we live only 5 minutes from the hospital.  Again I was seen very quickly.  The nurse checked my vitals, found the babies heartbeats and took a urine sample.  I explained what happened, and she called the doctor on call, who fortunately was the same doctor I saw the other night.  He said that he was well aware of my scenario (he saw my u/s from yesterday since my OB is away right now), and that it is most likely the clot working itself out.  There is nothing really that they can do, except wait to see what happens with the bleeding over the next little while.  So, I was sent home again and told to rest up. 

I actually feel positive and hope this bleed works itself out.  Of course, I know there are other alternatives to this scenario, but I'm trying not to think of them right now.  No use worrying until we know there is something real to worry about.  So I will enjoy being waited on, and not having to work, and spending my days knitting and reading for now. 

Oh, and by the way, the nurse measured me at 29 weeks today!  She was shocked and asked me if I thought that was right (since I'm just only 22 weeks along).  I laughed and said that sounded on track to me.  These babies are growing nice and big, just as I had hoped!

I went in today for my ultrasound.  It was pretty uneventful.  DH was not allowed in the room and I was not able to see the screen.  The technician mainly was checking out around my cervix and taking measurements.  She seemed a bit serious, and of the few questions I asked her, I could tell something was up.  She asked me to stay on the bed while she gave the radiologist a chance to look at some of the shots.  In the end, he came in to take a "live" look at what was going on.  He took a look and briefly explained to me that there is a blood clot close to my cervix.  He did not say if it is separate from the placenta, or not.  It could be that what they thought was the succenturiate placental lobe was actually this clot.  I don't know yet.  All he told me is that they will have to monitor it.  Either the clot will bleed out, or it will gradually diminish.  We don't know at this point.  He told me to go home and take it easy and wait to hear more from my doctor.  I asked what I should do if I did start to bleed more.  He said to talk to my doctor, but it really depends.  If it is bright red blood, he said he would recommend coming into the hospital.  If it was old, brownish blood, it is to be expected and shouldn't be as concerning.

So, that was it.  Unfortunately, I didn't get to see the babies, but I guess they are doing fine since they weren't brought up at all.  This afternoon was a bit nerve-wracking as we couldn't help but google some of what could be happening.  However, by the end of the day I decided to call my clinic before they closed just to check in.  The receptionist looked at my file and told me not to worry and that the doctor said the ultrasound looked fine.  Apparently the hematoma (clot) is quite small, and it is away from the wall of the uterus.  I guess the big concerns are the size of the the hematoma, where it is positioned, and if it continues to grow.  At this point, that isn't a problem, though I assume they will keep an eye on it.  Anyways, the receptionist said said I could continue to rest up this week but most likely be back at work next week.

Whew!  So that's been the day.  I haven't seen any blood today, and just residual spotting.  I'm taking it really easy, to be cautious, but feeling fine otherwise.  

Let me first start off by saying that the babies are fine and kicking away!

Last night I had my first bleeding scare.  I am 22 weeks now.  Last night I was falling asleep on the couch so I decided to get ready for bed.  I went pee, and when I went to wipe, I looked down (force of habit still can't be broken), and there was a clot of blood.  My brain really couldn't comprehend what was happening and my initial thought was, "Oh, it's my period."  Then I thought, "Wait!  I'm pregnant!"  I cleaned up, put on a pad then went to find DH right away.  Somehow I remained calm through it all and just told DH what had happened and we discussed what to do.  My clinic was closed but they had given me the number for labour and delivery (L&D) at the hospital so I called there.  The nurse I spoke to was so nice, and she suggested I come in just to get checked out.  So, off to the hospital we went!  I had a little burst of tears as we explained to our visiting friends where we were off to, but otherwise remained quite composed.  It really wasn't that much blood, and I have heard countless stories of bleeding during pregnancy.  I just wanted to be sure we were doing due diligence to check everything out, especially because it just happened out of nowhere.

Fortunately, when we arrived at emergency it wasn't busy and they sent me right up to L&D.  They had me leave a sample of urine and then I got comfy on the bed.  A nurse came in to check my vitals and said that everything (blood pressure, temperature) was good.  We had to wait for the doctor and the main nurse because they were with a lady who was about to deliver her baby.  It was kind of funny because it's a small hospital, and the doors were all open, and we fully heard this lady going through the pushing stage of labour.  We heard the doctor announce it was a boy, and then we heard the baby crying.  That's when I let out a few more tears.  All in all though, we only waited about 45 minutes from the time we arrived at the hospital.  Poor DH was so worried and had the sadness of the world in his eyes.  I felt like things would be fine, but he didn't know what to expect.

Finally the doctor and nurse came in.  The doctor explained that he had looked through my chart and his hypothesis was that the bleeding was coming from my extra placental lobe.  I can't remember if I wrote about it or not, but Baby A has a succenturiate lobe, which is an extra piece attached to the placenta.  My doctor hadn't told me this, but apparently that lobe was only 1cm away from my cervix at my last ultrasound.  The doctor thought that it must have shifted and that was causing the bleeding.  He ordered an ultrasound for the next day (today), and told me to go on bedrest for the rest of this week.  He told me that I didn't have to stay overnight, which I hadn't even realized was an option, haha!  Then the nurse checked on the babies.  Both had good heartbeats (137 and 142) and were kicking up a storm!  She was trying to get both heartbeats at the same time, but they were moving around way too much (though I still couldn't feel them moving that much).  They also checked my urine and said there was no protein or ketones in it, which was great.  And then they sent me home.

I'm now at home taking it easy, and I'll update more once I've had my ultrasound and heard from the doctor. 

This week I hit a wall of panic.

It's not necessarily the babies that I am worrying about...it's everything else in life. 

Money is a hot topic.  This month was really tough as our income went down , and unexpected bills came in (our car had issues, our furnace bill finally came for work that was done in March, etc.).  It seems overwhelming to think of how we will make it on only one income, even with the maternity pay I will receive.  I am trying to get in as many hours as I can before I take my leave, but this has proven difficult in the summer.  Who wants to spend their free time seeing a counsellor when they could be at the beach instead?  On the days I do have clients, I am already having trouble focusing and preparing for sessions.  Usually once I am in session I click into gear, but the work-up to it is becoming more and more stressful for me lately.  And I am getting exhausted - even when I only work 4 hours a day!

I am also panicking about actually... having... kids.!  I have started to shift my mindset from thinking about being pregnant, to what it will be like AFTER the babies arrive.  This is FREAKING ME OUT!  I am not so freaked out by the newborn stage.  I just expect it to be crazy, and that I will be a zombie, be tired all the time, be emotional, and that it will be tough!  I am more worried about what comes even after that.  There is so much about parenting that I don't know!  There are so many philosophies.  There are so many ways of doing things.  There is so much that DH and I will need to be in agreement about, and it's not like they teach you a class and prepare you on what all those things are.  What if we are just bad at being parents???

We have had friends visiting this week with an 18-month-old little boy.  An energetic, fussy, demanding little boy.  It's been awesome to have them around, and I think they are great parents, but DH and I constantly find ourselves critiquing things and comparing it to how we want to raise our kids.  I know we are being overly judgmental.  DH admitted that we will totally be eating our words in about two years from now.  But I know that DH and I are different people than our two friends.  Our parenting style will naturally be different.  I think it's okay to have some expectations of how we want to do things.  I just hope we are not setting ourselves up for huge failure and disaster down the road.

I'm also getting scared of labour, delivery and breastfeeding.  I know virtually NOTHING about delivering a baby!  I'm sure I'll get through it (there really is no choice, is there?), but I am super scared that breastfeeding is not going to work for us.  And that thought is more than I can handle right now.  I just really want to breastfeed.  I really, really want to.  I don't even know why this is so important to me, but it is.  

Hmm... what else?  Oh, then there is the dog!  We have a border collie we adopted 2 years ago, who became our baby.  Through all our fertility treatments, she was the one we put our energy and affection into.  We love her so much!  And she is an awesome dog.  She is so friendly, and sweet, and fun, and understanding.  The thing is, she really is not used to kids.  That has been highlighted this week with the toddler in our house.  She is trying really hard to be good, but her herding instinct kicks in and she feeds off the energy of this crazy child.  I know it can be improved with training.  And I'm not even worried about her being around our kids, because she will grow up with them and be used to them.  I'm worrying about having other kids in the house, and what if she tries to nip one of them, and what if... what if... what if???

You see, I'm kind of losing it this week.  Can I blame it on pregnancy hormones?  Do they make you go this crazy?  I am so excited about being pregnant, but I do hope this phase passes quick!  

I realized I haven't done an "official" weekly update for a little while.  Since I am now going on the dates based since my IUI, today I reached 21 weeks.  Only 3 weeks to go to viability!  Here's a quick recap of how things are going:

Mood: As I recently wrote about, I've been feeling blah, but that's about it.  Sort of flat without highs or lows.  However, if you ask DH, he would say that I am all over the place.  Apparently I keep fluctuating between asking him, "Do you love me?" to being angry at him and easily annoyed, to wanting my space, to being super needy.  I haven't really noticed, haha.  Today I felt the urge to cry for no reason, but I can't just cry right now.  It's a little bit strange.

Food: Just like I've been "blah" with my emotions, I've been blah about food.  I make myself eat quite regularly, but I still don't have any huge cravings and don't really enjoy eating.  I'm not eating huge portions, but I do eat quite regularly to keep my blood sugars stable.   The only thing I really crave is cold beverages, but I am trying to stay away from sugary drinks, caffeine, and fizzy drinks (makes me too bloated).  So that does limit my selection.  I still don't enjoy eating meat.  Today I went shopping and had to bypass the meat section completely because it made me feel sick.

Sleep: This has become my specialty.  I could sleep all day.  I sleep well at night, usually only waking up once to pee (2:30am), but then falling back asleep right away.  I am at the point where I NEED some sort of nap in the day to make it through.

Exercise: I have been a bit more comfortable lately so I have been branching out a bit and doing a little bit more.  Since the weather has been hot, I have headed to the beach a number of times for swims, and also gone to the pool.  I've managed a few short walks, but that usually causes too much pressure and is not comfortable.  I find once I'm on my feet for too long (even 30 minutes), I do notice some pain in my uterus and need to sit down or lie down for a while.

Body: Just growing a belly!  I feel like the growth has slowed down a bit and a few times I've had to ask DH if I am shrinking.  I think things are just finding their place.  Fortunately, I don't think I've gained too much more on my arms and legs.  I just definitely can tell my hips are much wider!  I'm still about 20lbs up in weight, which I think is right on track.  Other random things are that I have developed seasonal allergies, which I don't usually have.  I am sneezing and stuffed up like crazy!  Also, I've started to have a bit more watery discharge.  I'm not too worried, because from what I read this is normal, but I'll mention it at my next OB appointment.

Movement: I think I am starting to feel movement from time to time.  I've felt a few motions that I am pretty sure are kicks, especially when I am swimming.  I like to think the babies are swimming along with me.  Other than that, it just feels like popping in my belly at times, or kind of like the feeling you get on a roller coaster when your stomach drops.  What was cool was that during my prenatal massage the other day, my massage therapist said she saw my belly move from the outside!  I have yet to see that, but that's pretty rad.

Notable Moments: I signed up for our prenatal classes this week!  They are not till September but my name is on the list!

I think that's about it for now! 

Despite my post yesterday about feeling "blah," I have managed to get quite a few things accomplished.  I guess that's what comes with being a Type A personality with a strong work ethic.  I have this ability to work right through whatever is going on. 

I just finished my first baby quilt for our little munchkins, and I'm pretty proud of it!  While it's not as lively as the one I made for my niece, I actually think it turned out really pretty.  It's still neutral colours, but I am hoping this one will be for a little girl, and I'm making another one that is more masculine for a possible boy.  For now, I thought I'd share some pictures. 

I struggled with what to name this post.  My first thought was "Pregnancy Blues" but that doesn't fully describe what I want to share. 

Let me first start off by saying that I do love being pregnant.  While it has been an adjustment to my personality, I am enjoying taking it easier and watching my belly grow.  Even when I don't realize it, my mind is consumed with making sure these babies are as healthy and safe as they can be.  Yet through most of my pregnancy, I've had this underlying sense of "blah."  I've written before about how I just don't enjoy some things in life as much as I used to.  My last post mentioned how those who are pregnant after infertility (and in particular carrying twins) are more at risk for post-partum depression.  While I don't feel like I am depressed (I'm not crying all the time, I have energy to get things done, I am eating and sleeping fine), I do feel this sense of blah.  At first I thought it was just the way the pregnancy hormones are affecting me, but now that it has carried into the second trimester, I'm wondering more about it. 

My suspicion is that this is related to our struggle with infertility in some way.  I don't think it's that I had high expectations about how great it would be to be pregnant.  Actually, I feel like I've been pretty lucky in that regard, so far.  I'm sleeping great at night.  My body is healthy and growing right on track (besides the annoyance of an irritable uterus).  I barely have morning sickness.  My aches and pains haven't started (yet).  I really have nothing to complain about.

One thing I have noticed this last week, is how I am handling the attention of being pregnant.  My pregnancy cannot be hidden any longer.  Multiple people in a day ask me when I'm due.  This week 3 people asked if I was having a summer/September baby (I'm not due till November)!  And in the moment when I am talking to people, I feel good.  I respond enthusiastically.  I feel excited.  Sometimes I mention our fertility treatments, but mostly not.  And yet, at the end of the day when I relive these conversations, I sometimes feel like a fake.  I feel like I need to show people the pain and difficulty that is mingled in with the joy.  While I am embracing this pregnancy, underneath it all still exists the memory of all the pain and loss that we experienced.  How can these two things co-exist? 

Cristy, over at Searching for Our Silver Lining, just wrote a great post entitled "Straddling Worlds" that speaks of this dilemma as it relates to fellow infertile friends.  The other day I ran into a girl I met last summer who was just visiting this area.  As I excitedly announced my pregnancy, I saw her exchange a look with her husband, and something in her eyes struck me.  She congratulated me, but instantly I knew.  I later received an email from her describing that she recently had a miscarriage.  While I know that I did nothing wrong in sharing my news, everything in me wanted to scream out to her, "I understand!  Please don't write me off as just another pregnant lady... please see my pain amidst my joy!" 

I don't really know how to reconcile these conflicting emotions.  I suppose they just need to "be."  I'd love to seek out a counsellor for DH and I to visit as we transition from infertiles to parents of twins.  Anyways, I just thought I'd share in case others find themselves going through something similar.  You can know that you're not alone! 

I have an incredible mother!  We have decided that her love language is definitely acts of service... little labors of love.  This past week she turned my house upside down.  It was awesome!  Our two international students left  on Wednesday, and on the same day my DH headed off for a 4-day hiking adventure.  For the first time in so long, I had the house empty and all to myself.  So, my parents came over, armed with paintbrushes and work clothes.  They cleaned out the students rooms in the basement, and repainted the room that will become the guest room.  We moved all the storage and stuff from the guest room downstairs to make room for the nursery upstairs (eeee!!!).  My mom and I went through all my closets and kitchen cupboards and got rid of stuff and organized.  We even took the students bedding and mattresses outside to air out in the sunshine after washing countless loads of laundry.  Then we brought our first piece of baby furniture into the nursery. 



It was soooo liberating just to clear out and make space for these babies!  I guess this is what nesting feels like.  I finally feel like I can start to really plan out the nursery and buy things.  The only problem is... it turns out that DH and I have expensive taste!  The wallpaper we really want is sold through Anthropologie (if you know that store, you will understand our dilemma), and is $100/roll.  We need at least 2 rolls to cover our one wall.  The crib bedding I really, really want is also quite pricey, but I am hoping it goes on sale enough for me to make a splurge. Those are really the only things we want to splurge on, so I feel like we should go for it.  Esthetics are really important to both of us.  We will be buying very simple cribs, and we don't need any other furniture, besides maybe bassinets or a playpen.  We have a dresser and closet space, and were given a nice change table.  We do need change pad, crib mattresses and covers, etc.  All this stuff adds up, oh my!  But one thing at a time.  This is starting to get very exciting!!!