Home Grown Love

Ugh... quite a frustrating day over here.

Just to vent it out quickly, the boys were diagnosed with mild thrush two weeks ago at the doctor's appointment.  We have been treating it, but didn't really notice a difference.  Well, this week RJ has been a very fussy eater, and in the past 24 hours, has nearly completely stopped taking the breast.  Sometimes he will start, but only last 3 or 4 minutes and then won't go back.  Other times he just screams bloody murder as soon as he sees the breast!  We have no idea where it is coming from, but are guessing that the thrush may be the culprit right now.  He is taking bottles fine so we have to do that to get him to eat at the moment.  It is so frustrating and sad!

So, the first step is to aggressively treat the thrush again (this time with gentian violet - the messy purple stuff), and put me on a sugar/wheat fast (well, not all wheat but I will cut down my consumption where I can).  Then I will likely need to spend one or two days depriving him of all artificial nipples and doing as much as I can to coax him back to breast (bathe with him, wear him in a sling, play with him with no clothes on, cuddle in bed).  It's not that I mind... it's just a lot of time and effort when there is ANOTHER baby to care for as well.  I'm sure we will get through it, but it is not going to be easy.

Mostly, though, this has just broken my heart.  I didn't realize how special the breastfeeding is to me.  I'm not trying to make this about "me"... of course the health and welfare of my child is first and foremost... but I can't bear the thought of not breastfeeding him at this point in time.  Even thinking about it led me to quite an emotional meltdown today.  With all the things my body has failed at doing, I am good at making milk.  My full-time job, as I call it, right now is to make milk and feed and care for these boys.  I love doing it, and I think it has been a healing agent after all I have been through.  Some of my most precious times with RJ have been when he was breastfeeding.  I will do whatever it takes to get it back. 

So please, if you've gone through a nursing strike or anything like this, help me out!  Or just send me some encouragement because I really need it today.

P.S. I am SOOOO addicted to sugar right now... I don't know what I'm going to do! 

Hey ya'll,

I haven't updated on how I'm doing for a while, so here goes.

Physical
Today I went for my first run since I became pregnant!  It was so nice.  And so difficult!  I ran for about 30 minutes, with a couple stops in-between (to pick up dog poop).  It was a slow jog, not because my lungs couldn't handle it, but because my pelvic floor is out of shape.  I felt the pains of post-pregnancy afresh, and realized that it still will be a while till that area is back up to snuff.  Still, I was pretty happy.  I am looking forward to actually having sore muscles tomorrow!  I have really been craving exercise lately.  I am 3 months post-birth, and still have a long way to go in my weight loss goals.  Most of the weight is in my hips and belly, though all around I am thicker than I was previously.  I'm still only 15-20 lbs down from pregnancy so I have another 15-20 to go to pre-pregnancy, and then another 10 to my goal.  Whew, that sounds overwhelming!  I'm not in a huge rush, though.  I don't expect to be down to my pre-pregnancy weight for at least 6 months to a year.  I will focus on the rest later.

My plan is to try to jog twice a week, if I can get away from the babies!  The other days I will try to take them for a walk, when it's not too cold, and/or do yoga or strength exercises at home.  I'd love to start to incorporate some form of exercise every day again.  Once the babies are a bit bigger I will feel better leaving them for a class or longer workout.

I think I have entered a status I never thought I would be a part of... the "mom" club.  Not only did I not think I would ever get to be a part of this club, but I did not really even want to.  Let me explain. 

I always wanted to have children and be a mom, but I didn't want to associate myself with most of the moms who I knew.  These moms spent their days catering to their children's needs, driving them everywhere, obsessing about the last time their child pooped, or how long they slept, and really could not talk about anything BUT their children.  I knew that parenting was a big endeavour, but did it really need to overtake their ENTIRE life?!?  I felt bitter towards these people, and vowed that if I ever was so lucky to become a mom, I would remain a well-rounded, contributing member of society.

Here I am, many months later, with 3-month old twin boys at home.  What do I care about right now?  When did the boys last eat?  Did they eat enough?  RJ hasn't pooped in 3 days!  What's on my agenda?  Washing bottles, doing laundry, feeding, changing, burping, rocking, sleeping.  Checking email... what's that?  Reading?  Going out with friends?  Who has the time?  Even if I did hang out with my pre-baby friends, what could I say to contribute to the conversation?  My life is only babies right now.  I literally do not have the time to even think about anything else going on in the world outside. 

But it's okay. 

I'm okay with it. 

This is just a season.  I can round myself out again in the future.  For now, I want to just cuddle, and love, and take care of these precious gifts. 

On a side note, what is neat about being in the mom club is how I have already made new friends.  Since moving here, it has been hard to make friends, since we are older and didn't have kids.  We didn't fit with the singles, and we didn't fit with the families.  That didn't leave much of a place for DH and I.  I don't like the fact that we had to have kids to "fit in" but, I do like the chance that I am getting to meet new people.  Right now, I need to talk to other moms.  I need to normalize the experience I am going through, and the only ones who can really get it are other twin moms out there.  So, for now, I am really grateful!  And don't worry - I am still staying connected to my pre-baby friends as best as I can!  

I always love reading about other people's days with babies.  If you're about to have twins, here is a taste of what my life is currently like.  People say the first 6-8 months with twins are just a blur.  So far, it is true!  The first 8 weeks especially are so insane.  I really can't remember anything about how I felt...it was pure survival.  By about 12 weeks we sort of got into a routine, which has made my life so much better.  I know it is subject to change over and over again, but for now, it is great!

8:00am - Day begins!  PUT THE COFFEE ON!!!  I try to get up prior to this feed to get myself ready, but it depends on how much sleep I have had, and how tired I am.  This schedule is also plus/minus an hour, depending on how the previous night has gone.  The boys have their first feed (usually I tandem feed them).  Burp, wash faces, change them for the day ahead.  Have a bit of playtime, unless they are still sleepy and ready to go back down for a nap.  After each feed I change diapers, burp, and then try to get in a pumping session while they play and/or nap.  So, really a feed can take 1 1/2-2 hours easily. 

9:30am - Hopefully they have gone back down and I can get myself some breakfast and maybe a shower.  Usually it's too much to ask for both shower AND food in between feeds, so I try to clean up the kitchen a little and get ready for the day.

10:00-11:00 - Boys wake up again hungry.  Try to hold out till they are both awake, and tandem feed again.  They are more awake after this feed so we have some play time, try to work on tummy time, etc.  While they are playing, I will try to get some lunch ready for whenever I have a chance to eat.  If I have help.

12:30pm - Naptime for the boys (and maybe for me if they both magically go down together).

1:30-2:00 - Up for a feed again.  Sometimes for this feed I will bottle feed one and breastfeed the other, for some one-on-one time. 

3:00 - Hopefully if it's nice out, I try to get out for a walk before it's too cold/late.  This has been working out nice because they nap in the stroller, or just chill out watching everything.  I walk for about an hour when I can.  It's great to take a break and get out of the house by this point in the day. 

5:00 - They almost always wake up by this point in time, and here begins their fussy period (the witching hour?).  We do what we can to entertain them, rock them, nurse, while trying to clean up the house a bit and prepare supper (my DH is home by this point).

6:00 - Tandem feed.  We have been doing this feed and then trying to put them down for one more "nap" before we bath them and put them to bed, but we might switch this up.  They have a hard time napping at this hour and usually fuss (or scream) while we are trying to eat and clean up. 

7:00 - Bedtime routine!  Bath, comfy PJs, bottle feed, burp, and bed.  Our goal is to have them in bed by 8:00.  Usually after their bath they will have a good stretch of sleep.  This gives us a chance to finish eating dinner, clean up dinner, do any last tasks around the house, wash and prepare bottles, and hopefully have a few minutes of downtime.  I often try to go to bed as soon as I can after this point!

11:00pm/12:00am - Up for a feed.  We are trying to have help for this feed so that we can sleep (I get up for a quick pump to supply for the night).  Whomever is helping will bottle feed the boys. 

2:00-3:00am - Bottle feed.  Usually DH and I will do this together, unless they are staggered, in which case he is "on shift" and will feed them.  Right now we try to have someone (my dad or a friend) on shift from 10-1 so we both can sleep.  Then DH is on shift from 1-4 and I take 4-7.  When it is just DH and I, we do 10pm-2am and 2am-6am shifts.  The hope is that when the boys aren't feeding, that person can sleep in the room with them during their shift (though that doesn't always happen).  I get up every 3-4 hours to pump.

5:00-6:00am - Up for an early morning small feed.  They haven't been eating as much at this feed, so sometimes I will breastfeed them individually, or tandem if they wake up together.  If I am super exhausted I will give them a bottle (bottle feeds go faster for the most part).  If I feed them individually, I often take them into bed with me and feed them lying down so I can doze.

8:00am - We start all over again!   

This really is a "rough" sketch of how things goes.  The naps are not nearly that straight forward.  Usually one twin will fall asleep first, and by the time the next one goes down, the first one is up again.  So I feel like I am constantly putting a baby to sleep... that itself is exhausting!  I hardly have many hands free moments so I try to get as much done as quickly as possible when I do.  That, too, is exhausting.  Overall, it really just is exhausting.  And from what I hear, we soon will enter the four month sleep regression...oh my!!!

Spoiled with toys from grandma and grandpa (including a jolly jumper... hooray!)

Those eyes!

He slays me with his cuteness.

Love you my 3-month old baby boys

Happy 3 months RJ & MJ!  Our trip is going well and we are having a good time. The boys received these adorable outfits from a friend. How cute are they?

We are taking the boys on their first trip to Vancouver tomorrow for a couple of nights. It is mainly for DH's grandfather's funeral (he passed away suddenly last week), but we will use the chance to let family and friends meet the boys. 

12 Weeks baby boys

The twins are 12 weeks old!  I will do a proper 3 month update soon, but for now, here is a picture to tie you over.  I just can't get enough of sharing these beautiful boys.  I try not to flood Facebook, but there definitely are many times I just want to share my joy and brag about how cute my kids are!  I did start a new account, though, so it is mostly just close friends and family who are eager to watch their progress.

Anyways, I thought I'd share that our "plan" for sleep training hasn't really worked yet.  For the most part the boys are still eating every 3 hours all day and night.  There have been a handful of times where they went four hours but that is not yet the norm.  I am not discouraged as their adjusted age is still young (8 weeks).  I think what we have done is setting us up for success as we already have a framework in place.  We have decided to hire a young adult to help us out a few nights a week, in addition to the help from my parents.  The  sleep deprivation is taking a toll so it will be great to catch up a bit.  They poor things caught their first cold this week, so that has been an added challenge to the sleep factor.  I still haven't mastered calming down two babies at once so there has been lots of crying (screaming) which has also worn us down.  Hopefully soon they will start to sleep longer... :) 

Here are a few pics of our little boogers at 12 weeks!

I'm so cute and cuddly!

I never stop moving, hence my photos are always blurry.

A moment of peace (followed by tears and crying)

Well, I think we have begun the task of sleep training these twin babies.  We didn't actually mean to start this early (they're not even 3 months!), but I think we reached a point where we just couldn't help it.  After my mother-in-law left, we had my parents or friends around who came by each night to cover a few hours watching the boys so we could sleep.  Over Christmas, however, we had other family in town, and schedules changed and we couldn't receive as much help.  We quickly realized that handling the boys with just the two of us (my husband and I) overnight was a gong show!  The boys were still eating every 2-3 hours all through the night.  They were on such a strict schedule that they never slept longer than 3 hours from the start of their previous feed.  We weren't getting any sleep (well, 3-4 hours total), were increasingly frustrated, and zombies the next day.  Something had to change! 

I still have not researched too many official sleep training techniques, but I thought I would document what we are doing right now.  As I read more about sleep training, I am finding that we are incorporating bits and pieces, which so far are helping a lot!  Right now it's all about survival, and this is what works for us.

First, on Christmas night we realized the importance of naps and proper feeds throughout the day.  The boys received so many cuddles and slept the whole day in people's arms, skipping a few feeds.  That night, they did NOT want to sleep in their cribs, cried and wanted to be held, and ate sooo frequently.  So, we quickly decided that naps need to happen not in the adoring arms of those who love them.  We still get lots of snuggles in, and our little guy is a bit more needy right now so we bend the rules for him, but we try to make sure they have time sleeping solo for each nap/sleep.

Second, we differentiate daytime sleep from night.  In the day, they have been sleeping in their bassinets in a twin pack-n-play out in the living room.  This allows them to receive daytime light, and be around the sounds of the home.  The downside is that they wake each other up more and it's not as cuddly/cozy as their nursery.  Sometimes we do split them up and put one in the nursery, or in the swing in the living room.  At night, they sleep in their cribs (we never even started with rock-n-plays, so this is all they have known), and sometimes spend time with me in bed (more on that later).  The crib is dimly lit so we can see them without turning on a light, and it is warm and cozy.

Third, we are trying to put them down to sleep while they are still awake, but drowsy.  This will help them learn to fall asleep on their own, rather than relying on rocking, swinging, or being in someone's arms. 

Fourth, when they do fuss or wake up early, we try to soothe them without them fully waking up.  Sometimes this involves just putting in the soother (one boy loves to fall asleep with the soother, the other one not so much), sometimes it is picking up to burp (they tend to keep gas in their bellies and wake up in pain), and sometimes it is rocking till they start to close their eyes again.  Still, sometimes they wake up too much and either stay awake till their next feed, or need a "top-up" of milk to fall asleep again.  I'm not sure if this is right or now, but for now it works. 

Fifth, we bumped their bedtime up earlier and are attempting a new night schedule.  Until now, we were bathing them every second day and baths were happening too late (9-10pm).  Today we decided to do baths every night (they sleep way better after a bath), bathe them one feed earlier (around 6pm) and have them in bed by 7pm.  The hope is that they will get used to this as their bedtime, and then receive a 10pm "dream feed."  After this, I hope they will start to sleep through till morning with only one feed around 2-3am.  Currently, they are still eating at 1am, 4am and 7am, though we had one night this week where one of them slept for 6 hours and one for 5, which resulted in one less feed.  I really hope we can find a way for that trend to continue! 

When hubby and I are on our own through, we are attempting to each take a 4-hour shift (10-2 and 2-6) and feed the babies ourselves during that time (so that the other person can get a chunk of sleep).  We are still having one person "on shift" with them all the time, either sleeping in the nursery, or staying up in case they fuss.  I think we can soon just transition to sleeping in our room with the monitor (just not quite yet... they are still too little!).  Just this week the boys have each developed their own schedule and it kind of works better for them not to eat at the same time through the night.  It makes feeds longer, but it is easier for one person to handle.  In the day time, we keep them fairly close to the same time so that sometimes I can tandem feed them.  I usually take the 2-6 shift and find that by 5-6am the boys are starting to rouse for the day.  Sometimes I take them into bed with me so that I can feed them laying down and then we can doze a bit longer.  Often they hold out till 8 or 9am.