Just thought I'd poke my head in and drop a little note.
I've had a hard week on the fertility front. A friend of mine recently became pregnant with her second. She is the first in our baby group to have her second. She had a previous miscarriage so was anxious about the first ultrasound. When she reached out for support and encouragement it was hard for me, and that shocked me. I guess it was because of the ease she had in becoming pregnant with her second...
For me, I am filled with fear, not knowing how hard it will be to conceive again.
Hubby doesn't quite get it. He says we'll just try and "see what happens." But allowing ourselves to "try" means the possibility of it not working... and that would mean facing all the rest.
I just want it to happen without having to face all the rest.
I want to go back and be naive and carefree and be surprised if it did happen.
But I can't.
Infertility sucks.
Though we are not officially "trying" I am working to get my body in health and shape. Part of that for me includes acupuncture.
I had a visit yesterday and she did a few deep needles in my abdomen. I instantly felt a tenderness and almost a bridging to my fertility. I relaxed into the treatment, but partway through the sensation in my abdomen began to increase, to the point where I felt uncomfortable, almost stabbing cramping pains. I called her in and as she was coming in, I felt a surge of anxiety and it felt like my abdomen was on fire with heat. She assured me that it was fine and took the needles out, letting me know that it was a release.
There is a book called "The Body Remembers." It's about the way that the body holds onto trauma and the muscles have memory of traumatic experiences. I felt like that treatment activated the trauma I faced during my pregnancy and in my bleeding afterwards. I let my tears fell, and I felt like it was an honouring of my experience. I hope that it was a release.
I don't know where this journey will take us next.
I'll keep you posted.
