Robbie's transition has been in many ways exactly as we expected.  You cannot take a child from all they know and expect it to be smooth and easy.  It is traumatic and painful for them in many ways to lose their culture, their past, and all that is familiar to them.  There have been bumps along the way as we have begun to become a family, but every day we grow a little closer.

We have been surprised by Robbie in so many ways these last four weeks.  He is full of life, full of personality, and is such a creative and imaginative little boy.  He loves to play and talks a mile a minute!  We were really surprised with how much English he knew when he arrived.  It is easy to forget that he still has a long way to go with language because he does so well.  But we have noticed that we say a lot of the same things, play the same games, repeat the same phrases as he grows more comfortable with a new language.

We're so thankful that Robbie is a good sleeper (our first!!).  He goes to bed easily and sleeps through which is such a blessing.  He's an early riser though, which means that we are going to bed pretty early these days to be able to keep up!  He eats really well and is always willing to try new things.  So far he has eaten every meal we've had except for pancakes, which he quickly declared to be "yucky!".

The other kids are adjusting well to having a new brother.  Hannah has shown herself to have a very compassionate heart and she and Robbie are often playing together.  Nathan has surprised me with his patience and understanding.  Matthew is very easily annoyed and is taking more time to warm up to Robbie.  Livvy is pretty much always happy with things but as the baby of the family she's had a bit of a hard time sharing my attention even more.  Still, she enjoys playing with Robbie too and often says to me, "I like Robbie!"

I want to start blogging again to share our journey in the days ahead.  We are working on getting back into our school schedule and I'm hoping to start teaching Robbie as well.  I'm taking a course in Braille and plan to start teaching all of the kids soon!  I thought it might be interesting to share our progress, if only to have something to look back on down the road.

It is only the middle of summer here but we have decided to take advantage of the flexibility of homeschooling and have created a bit of a different schedule for the kids this year.  Anyone who knows me knows that the planning part of homeschooling is pretty much my favorite.  February rolls around and I am ready to plan for September!  This year was no different and I completed my plans in March and April.  I'm a big old planning nerd!

We have a big change coming to our family this year as we anticipate adding Robbie (who is 6) to our family sometime in late Fall.  My heart speeds up considerably just thinking about what this will be like.  Of our four adoptions, we have had 3 easy transitions and one wow-are-we-going-to-survive-this difficult transition.  I have no idea how things will be when Robbie arrives but I know that for sure there will be an adjustment period for Robbie and all of us.  Becoming a family takes time and energy and time and grace and time...

With that in mind, I planned out our school year beginning a couple of months early to build in some time to breathe, adjust, play and learn when Robbie arrives.  We started the girls at the beginning of July.  Hannah is ecstatic to finally be in Kindergarten and Livvy feels like such a big girl saying she is in Preschool.  It basically means playing with play dough and coloring and talking about letters just like last year but shhhhhhh! Don't tell her that! 

It's our favorite place to be!

Our new house has this awesome backyard that has been such a blessing to our family.  The driveway goes around behind the house and is all fenced in so it is perfect for bike riding, side walk chalk, and playing.  There is a clubhouse and a slide and swings.  Grass to run in.  We just love being outside!

And the birds....so many birds!  They're my favorite, in case you didn't know.

We are outside for hours each day and three of the kids have learned to ride their bikes without training wheels - two since we moved in here!

Life right now is a weird mixture of really happy...

...playing in the yard with my beautiful kids.

...enjoying this wonderful house and the backyard.

...sunny days, time with family, laughter.

And this happiness is mixed with such sadness...

...losing Seth and knowing we will never hold him here in this life.

...letting go of hopes and dreams we had for the future.

...comforting children who are also grieving and trying to understand.

As the days flow from one into the next, God's peace has also flowed into our hearts.  This doesn't mean the pain has magically disappeared.  It doesn't mean that we are happy about all that has happened.  It doesn't mean we are all healed and all better.  But little by little, God's promises have become stronger than the questions.  His grace has surrounded us and His comfort has come to our hearts.

We can trust Him.  Even in this, even when life does not go how we hope or expect, we can trust Him.  This has not changed who He is, who we know Him to be.  His compassion never fails.

The question we have been faced with over the last few weeks has been, "What now?"

We look around at this big, beautiful home that we moved to specifically so that we could adopt Seth.  We look at the money that we've saved and all that was donated for the adoption.  We look at our completed home study and all the paperwork we have done and we wonder...what now?  What was this all for and what should we do now?

Our hearts have been broken for the thousands of children who wait for families.  We knew, with certainty, after Seth died, that we would move forward to adopt another child.  At first, even saying it out loud brought many, many tears.

"I just wanted Seth.  I just wanted him."

As the days went on and we talked and prayed, we felt even more certain there was another little one who would come home to our family.  Boys wait longer - we looked for a boy.  Older boys wait much longer - we thought about older boys.  We prayed and thought about our family and the ages of our kids and then one day...there he was.  A video of a little boy named Robbie grabbed both our hearts.  We just sat, watching and smiling as he talked away in Chinese (and a little English), counted (to 200 I think!), and sang his little heart out.  He was adorable, funny, smart, and full of spunk!

We have started the process to bring this precious boy into our family and we are just so excited!  Mixed with a whole lot of complicated feelings about Seth, the sadness, the questions.  I'm not going to lie - it's hard.  But we choose love.  We choose to be open to love again and we choose to trust that God can bring beauty from ashes.

Robbie is 6 years old and lives at the same place Seth spent the last week of his life.  It is an amazing home for blind children and we are so grateful for the love and care he is receiving there.  Robbie is blind in one eye and has very low vision in his other eye.  The boys are really excited about having another brother.  Hannah has struggled to think about bringing home someone who is not Seth.  Livvy is pretty much oblivious :)

We are thankful for all the Lord is doing in our lives and how He continues to draw us closer, in joy and in pain.  He is faithful and we look forward to the next part of this journey.

It has been a difficult couple of weeks.  The weight of sadness has been heavy and our hearts have been aching.  Every plan for the future had our Seth in it and trying to wrap our heads around the fact that now he will not be here with us has been so hard.

Yet even in our sadness, we have hope.  The Lord has brought comfort through His Word and through our families and friends.  We have felt so loved and we are so thankful for all who have cared for our family and grieved with us for Seth.

Last Saturday I had some time in the house by myself (which is a pretty rare thing!).  As I cleaned up the kitchen, I talked to God about the week.  It wasn't long before the "why" question came out of my mouth.  But as the tears fell, I realized that my "why" question wasn't, "Why did he die?"

It was, "Why did I have to love him?"

What if I had never seen his sweet face that day on Facebook?  What if I had passed by the post and not opened up the link and read about him?

I wouldn't be hurting now.  I could have missed this.

But as I cried, the Lord showed me what else I would have missed.

I would have missed an opportunity to see the incredible power and the BIGNESS of my God.  I have seen it firsthand - nothing is impossible to God.  He has moved mountains these last few months, for us, for Seth.  I would have missed seeing His powerful answers to desperate prayers.

I would have missed the chance to understand God's heart more.  I can see now and understand more fully how God loves me.  By the world's standards, Seth did not have much to give.  He couldn't see, or walk, or talk, and yet to me he was a priceless treasure.  I just loved him and longed to be with him.  I can understand now a little more how deeply God loves me.  Not for what I can do, not for what I can bring to Him - for that is nothing.  And yet He loves me desperately and longs for me to know Him.  He sent Jesus to die in my place, to make a way for me to be forgiven so that I can be with Him!  He just loves me.

I would have missed so much if I hadn't seen Seth that day.  I would have missed the chance to teach my kids about compassion and that every person is precious in the eyes of God.  I would have missed getting to show them that God hears and answers prayers - for they have seen it and lived it these last few months!

It is not what we hoped for or expected, but we are thankful to our gracious God anyway.  We are thankful for God's great mercy in taking Seth to a beautiful place for his last week on earth where he was valued, loved, cared for, fed, held...and he did not die alone.  He was loved by so many!  I am thankful for the lives he has touched and the ways he has changed us.  We will never be the same.  We are thankful for God's mercy and goodness and the ways that has been revealed to us these last few months.  We are thankful for peace that passes all understanding.  He has been so good to us.

We won't ever, ever forget our sweet boy.  His picture will always be on our wall, his story will always be told, and we will always thank God for the time we had to love him.  I'm so glad I got to love him.

It's been quite the week here.