No promise for tomorrow

Lots of ups and downs with G. When I'm with him, all is well. I feel so happy, so fucking happy, I could cry. When I'm not with him and talk to my friends about the possibility he's not for real, I feel so worthless. I want to be strong and only focus on the positive, but I can't. I have been hurt so many times, I feel like I'm not worth being loved for who I am. I feel like no one will be happy with me the way I am. With G, I won't even know for sure for probably 3 years, until the magic date comes and goes. How can I survive 3 years worrying about whether I have a divorce in my future? On the other hand, with 50% of marriages ending in divorce, I have just as good of a chance with someone else that I'll be divorced. I hate this. I left him last night telling myself I would have no more doubts. I would commit to this and ride the ups and downs and hope for the best. Today, I feel my time to have a family is slipping away. I feel like such a failure.

Edit: I just read the title of my blog again - No promise for tomorrow. This statement has rung true for me time and time again. We are not promised happiness. We can not count on it, because it will be ripped away by death or some other force. I should enjoy the time I have now. I could be dead in 3 years anyway, and wouldn't I regret missing out on some joy with him? I'm still really confused.

I didn't get to see Cowboy yesterday. Saturday night he was doing something at the bar he frequents, they sponsor him for the rodeo and he hangs out there a lot (too much really). I called him Saturday afternoon to say hi and it's Monday, noon time, and he still hasn't called me back. I expected him to be hungover on Sunday and to do something later in the day, but this is ridiculous. So, fine. He's not taking this seriously, then I'm not taking this seriously. When he calls, eventually, I'll be busy. Asshole.

Still haven't heard from my family. I feel very alone right now. I'm lucky that I have a few friends that check on me. If I could move away and not tell anyone in my family, I would. I wish I would kick them off my FB page, but that probably wouldn't do any good anyway.

Feeling lonely and weak last night, I called E. We talked and reminisced for almost 2 hours. He was looking at our old pictures and reading my old emails I'd sent to him. It was nice to hear I was interesting and not the boring old woman I think Cowboy sees me as (because I'm kind of quiet and don't drink very much). For all his issues, E and I are on the same page as far as what's fun. I like that, and yet it kind of scares me that I like the same things as a 50-something man. Maybe I AM that boring old woman. I think I will go down to his town this weekend and have dinner. I need to get away from here for a little while. I'm sure he will try to convince me to spend the night, and I made arrangements for the dogs just in case I decide to do that. At this point I'm not planning on it, but it would be nice to be held. Cowboy doesn't hold me. We fuck on his couch and then watch TV from separate ends as he smokes a cigarette.

I don't want this kind of shit in my life, but this is what I get. If I cut this out completely, then I have nothing. No attention, no affection, no feeling attractive, no hope (even if it is false). It's really lonely and dark without anything, and no amount of focusing on school, finding a hobby, or being happy with myself will make it better, so please don't suggest it.

Life got a little better, and then got worse in the couple of weeks since my last post. I was feeling very, very down when I wrote that, probably the closest to suicidal I've been (don't worry, I would never do that, I am doomed to suffer here for the next 50 years or so). But I also started my period that day, so I was glad to know at least a little of what I was feeling was hormonal.

I ended up asking Cowboy was he bored with me, because things had cooled off considerably. He said no, that he was sorry and he'd had things on his mind, he'd been busy, and he needed to get used to being in a relationship again. I'm not sure how much I believe all that, but I'm willing to give it another chance. Well, he was more attentive for a while but this week I've barely talked to him. That's partly because I've been sick and didn't go over to his place (he has a rodeo in a few days and can't get sick), but we've exchanged maybe 1-2 texts a day. Not much else. That's not really OK with me. I gave him the ultimate test and sent him a friend request on Facebook last night LOL. I haven't checked the results yet. We've been dating almost 2 months, sleeping together, we both claim to be exclusive. I see no reason why we can't proclaim our relationship (or at the very least be "friends") on FB. I also go see him tomorrow so it will be nice to spend some time together.

I'd been feeling more and more that nursing was not the right path for me. I've had incredible anxiety, especially when in clinicals, and that had not improved at all over the semester. I'd decided not to continue next semester. When I informed my mom and sister of this, oh boy did the shit hit the fan. My mom sat there, silent, while my sister said that I'm a failure, a loser, a drain on the family, and my favorite - a skank whore. There were more horrible comments from her that I'm not going to repeat. I left sobbing. As I walked out the door, mom finally spoke up and said "But you know we still love you?" Thanks, you still love me even though I'm a skank whore and a drain on the family. I think I should mention here that I don't ask my family for ANYTHING. OK, occasionally I ask them to watch my dogs when I go out of town, but I PAY THEM for it. I also don't see how deciding that nursing is not for me makes me a failure. I gave it 4 months, I think that's long enough to know. Plus, it's my life, my decision. They are not the ones doing it. Anyway, that was Wednesday, it's now Saturday, and they haven't called me. I'm not calling them either, they can kiss my skank whore ass. Bitches.

My plan for school now is this: Fall semester (at the end of this month) I'll be taking a Spanish class, because I think that will be helpful. Spring semester I will hopefully be starting at the local university in the Community Health program for my Bachelors, and that will lead into the Masters of Public Health. I'm really glad I already have my AA, and luckily all the pre-requisites for nursing match the pre-reqs for Comm Health. It's going to be expensive and I'll have to get loans, but I'll deal with it. I have to start living like I'm poor (which I am, actually, but have been trying to ignore that fact and enjoy the life insurance money - bad idea). I'll be working more to try to save some money, and I'm thinking about getting a part-time job, 1 or 2 nights a week. Regardless of the extra work, I'm looking forward to not having so much go on for a few months. I've been working so hard, taking 5-6 classes per semester, basically earning a degree and a half in the past 2 years, that I need a break. As soon as I notified the nursing program people I was leaving, I felt this huge weight lifted.

Peace.

I haven't written in months, haven't really felt like I needed to. I've been busy with nursing school, now about 3 months in. I hate it. Really, really hate it. I don't like anything about it, and I don't like the little bit of nursing care they've let us do. I am really afraid I'm going in the wrong direction, but I don't have many options left at this point. But I'm miserable.

Crazy Tony is done and over with, months ago. I really do think he's mentally unwell. It ended with him calling me a slut. He never did touch me, didn't even get that kiss. What a waste of time and effort on him.

I've been dating someone new, Cowboy, for about a month. I think that's about over. It started off lightening fast, very intense, and has slowed down dramatically. I think he might be gay, or bisexual. In addition I think he's bored with me. Kind of ironic, since I've been very patient and understanding that he has no car, no money, drinks too much, and the only time we go anywhere is the 3 times I've suggested the beach since it's free (and I drive us). Why am I dating someone with no car, no money, and drinks too much? Because apparently I'm desperate. I think I can admit that I am feeling desperate right now.

I have been crying the past couple of days, which is very much unlike me. I tried to talk to my mom and sister about the school situation, but they are not very sympathetic. My sister tells me I've gotten myself into this situation so she doesn't feel bad for me. I've talked to a friend of mine about Cowboy and school and how I am depressed in general, and she tells me to snap out of it, that I need to be happy and no guy wants someone who is depressed. I guess I should just give up now, right? Right.

That same friend said I talk like I am cursed, doomed. Yeah, that's what it feels like. I am doomed to never have a normal relationship, they've all got to be fucked up in some weird way. Not like everyone has problems, petty arguments, money troubles, whatever. No, my relationships get to be special. Maybe that's my fault for the guys I choose, but then again, these are the guys that I come across. So I throw that back on bad luck (or my "curse").

I don't have anything good to post right now. I'm just hoping it helps to get some of this out.

How did it get to be nearly April and I haven't written? There's too much to catch up everything, but the main events have been school and the new guy.

School:
I received my official acceptance into the nursing program. Very exciting! I spent a week running around getting paperwork, titers, TB test, exams, drug test, background check, fingerprinting, etc. This coming Monday is my all-day orientation where we get the class schedule. I'll be in the evening/weekend program; I decided to do this because the day program is at the old campus with the tiny, uncomfortable desks. Maybe a stupid reason to choose a program but hey, I've got to be comfy. The program actually starts May 10 I think, so this will give me over a month to think, obsess, and plan how I will make this work. I don't know if I will have a job when school starts because my boss is not too happy about me not being available 24/7 anymore, but if that happens then oh well. I am NOT letting anything interfere with my school. I have worked too damn hard for it.

New guy:
T is cute but weird. He is insecure about several things: his financial stuff, his car, his height...I'm sure there's more. He doesn't tell me this but I pick up on it. His personality at first glance has him as very outgoing and confident, but I think it's an act, like "fake it 'til you make it". I had talked on the phone with him a few times and felt overwhelmed, like my personality couldn't keep up with his. I had agreed to meet him for dinner but cancelled because of this. He wrote the sweetest reply and asked me to reconsider. I did, and I'm glad I did. His online profile says he's 35, but thanks to my googling skills I think he's really 40. I haven't flat out asked him his age, so he hasn't exactly lied to me, but this brings up thoughts of E, and how he did lie about his age. I also found something about a prior arrest that gave me pause. Turns out charges were dropped, and it's a non-issue for me now, but I'm sure he's nervous about me finding out. I'm not going to bring it up at this time, I want him to tell me. T is in the Army Reserves, but activated to full-time, and is currently posted about an hour away from me. Not too bad. His civilian job and regular home is about two hours away. Still not bad, considering with E it was three hours. This has been the breakdown of our dates so far...

1st Date - The plan was to meet for dinner, we went to a steakhouse. Then he suggested a movie, during which he held my hand and didn't try anything else. Then when we were walking out, he asked did I want to see another movie, so we stayed for another. Yes, 5+ hours of movies. He kept thanking me for meeting him, and he kissed my hand twice but didn't try to kiss me otherwise or hug me or anything like that.

2nd Date - We met at a kind of "country" seafood restaurant. He was starting an intense course (he's an instructor) so could only meet for about an hour, but at least we got to see each other. He made a comment about how it's important for us not to go too long without seeing each other, especially when just starting out. I think that's pretty insightful. Of course the booth where we sat was tiny and I felt really fat, and then the first bite of food I take I drop on my shirt, but I just laughed about it and we had a nice time. He gave me an awkward hug at the end.

3rd Date - Salad bar. He chose this place (he always chooses, by the way) because he has a physical fitness test coming up and he is trying to lose a few pounds. I am not really that fond of salad (that's part of my problem LOL) but I am flexible. During dinner I brought up his birthday, since his profile says he's a Taurus so would mean it's coming up soon. He did not want to talk about it, and said something about not celebrating many birthdays when he was a child. I didn't like that he avoided it, but I didn't want to prod too much if it was a painful subject, so I dropped it. After dinner we went to the movie theater. He likes to see whatever movie is starting around that time, whereas I like to see a specific movie. He chose a super-cheesy chick flick that I really didn't like, but again, I am trying to be flexible. He held my hand again and gave me a hug at the end. I like that he is comfortable being seen with me in public and holding my hand in front of others, etc.

4th Date - We actually got to spend about six hours together. We met at the mall, then I drove us (he doesn't know the city, but also I know he is embarassed about his car). The plan was to go to the zoo, but we got there and it was so crowded, we decided to check out Kingsley Plantation (I suggested), this historic site in the zoo area. That turned out to be a good idea, and we walked around the grounds, holding hands, and it was nice. I am noticing he likes to be the leader in a relationship. The way he would gesture for me to hold his hand, while kind of sweet, was also a little bit odd... I'm not sure how to exactly describe it. We had lunch at a Japanese restaurant (he chose) and I asked him about his middle name (he had shown me a card with his middle initial on it, so I asked what the letter stood for) and he didn't want to tell me. I told him he was very mysterious, with the secret birthday and the secret middle name. Things got a little awkward for a minute, he said some things about being hurt before, being slow to trust, whatever. I don't really like the excuses but I am trying to be patient. I showed him one of the Filipino stores I go to (Joe was Filipino, and so is T) and he got really excited about that. He loved it, and I loved sharing that with him. We had dinner at a Japanese steakhouse (I guess it was Asian theme day LOL) and at one point he put his hand on my knee under the table. I put my hand on his, and it was like that for a minute, but then he pulled away. I dropped him back off at the mall to get his car, we had a semi-hug while sitting in the car, and then we drove away. Still no kiss.

5th Date - Salad bar again, ugh. He is still preparing for his run and so is trying to eat light. I like that he is making time to see me even though he's busy, but he is also pretty much controlling our relationship with his schedule constraints and his choices for where we go. Maybe that's my fault for not speaking up with my opinions more? Although he's not exactly asking for my opinion too much either. He suggested a movie after dinner, I did say that I didn't want to see the Alice in Wonderland movie because I thought it was creepy. I think he was a little disappointed since they were offering it in 3D (he's a bit of a dork, LOL) but said OK and we ended up seeing another cheesy chick flick. He acted a little odd in the theater, bouncing in his seat too much when laughing, kicking the seat in front of him (thank God no one sat there), and he even took his shoes off and put them up on the back of the seat. He did hold my hand a lot and it felt comfortable, which was nice. After the movie we went to the bookstore and at one point he was showing me lunges in the aisle? Weird. He also asked a few times did he look like someone ready for a 2 mile run. See? Insecure. He gave me three hugs after he walked me back to my car. I tried to give hints that I was open for more, I tried keeping the hug longer, I tried suggesting that maybe we should make the date go a little longer, but it didn't work.

The next day he texted me that he was laying in bed thinking how hungry he was. I texted back that I wished I had worked up the nerve to kiss him before. He said that all he could focus on was his weight and his upcoming run, but that he would have been really flattered. What the heck is that supposed to mean? We will have the 6th Date tonight, it will be after the run and he is talking about gorging himself at the buffet. I am not excited about this date, other than being able to see him. I am interested to see what happens. The last couple of days he has seemed to open up a little more to me, and I think that is a positive sign. Last night he texted me "Good night my love" which was different! Usually he says "my sweet" so I wonder if this was an accidental slip, or did he really mean it? I didn't mention it though, and I'm going to just let him take the lead on that.

The semester ended last Friday and today grades were finally posted. Here are my results:

English 2 (Writing Non-fiction) - A
Humanities 15th-20th century - A
Microbiology - B
General Psychology - A
Intro to Sociology - A

I could have gotten an A in Micro but I was so burned out I really didn't try that hard. I'll just be happy with my B right now. The above grades bring my GPA to a 3.26, which is discouraging but I'm trying to keep in mind that I have been working my way up from a very low GPA due to two bad semesters a very long time ago.

There's a guy from Pakistan that I've chatted with a few times. We spoke on the phone once for just a few minutes. He's seemed kind of shady, so I was not taking him seriously (romantically, anyway). Last night we were chatting and he keeps turning the conversation sexual. I told him twice I don't want to talk about that, so after the third time, I started ignoring him. He called twice late last night, and once this morning, and I didn't pick up. Then, he sends me a text saying he's already married with three kids, but wants to come and live in America with me (lucky me!) and his first wife and kids will live in Pakistan! Yeah, right. I've been trying to figure out how to block his number on my cell but to no avail.

I'm starting to feel some twinges of weirdness with Swedish guy. Nothing concrete yet. Up until now, every morning he will send me a "good morning" text. For the last two days, nothing. We have talked on the phone at other times, but it still feels a little weird. Maybe nothing, or maybe this is the beginning of the end. I hope I will figure it out one way or the other before too long, as I need to make travel plans soon.

New York guy and I are still good. We talked last night for a little while, this time the topic was multiple wives. That was an interesting conversation. There has been sexual tension between us for a while now, and he is concerned that when we meet, we might act on that.

In other news, it is three days before Christmas and I have not done much gift shopping. I always feel like I have to give the "perfect gift" but I know in reality that's not what it's about. The weather is cold, especially inside my house since I don't have a working heater at the moment. My cat, Kyle, is dying I think. I really need to take him to the vet to be euthanized, but I can't quite bring myself to do it.

Yesterday (Sunday) was another party at the Veterans' Hospital out in Lake City. For their holiday party they played bingo and got little gifts and cookies and things. After every bingo they would yell out, "One more time!" and the announcer would call another game. I was the Cookie Girl, and walked around with my box of cookies and gave one bag to each veteran. The guys are so sweet, they say thank you, and Merry Christmas, and you can just tell they are so appreciative.

There is a man there (from one of the VFW posts, not a patient) with a shirt that says "Big Don". He is quite tall (guess that's where they get the "big" part) and quiet but seems nice. Yesterday he wore a funny Christmas tie with his polo shirt (yes, he looked like a dork but it was on purpose, so it's OK) and that was cute. He's a little older though, and I have no idea if he's married, so I guess I probably shouldn't flirt with him.

At the end of the party, the veterans start going back to their rooms and there's one man who was kind of stuck behind a table so he gave it a shove and I looked over at him and this was our conversation:

Me: "So they stuck you back behind a table, huh?"
Veteran: "Yeah they did. It's really good to see you here."
Me: "Oh, thank you, sir. It's good to see you too."
Veteran: "You are beautiful, sweetheart."
Me: (blushing) "Oh, thank you, sir."
Veteran: "How about a date?"
Me: (laughing) "Sure, when are you free?"
Veteran: "Friday night."
Me: "OK, so you'll pick me up Friday night?"
Veteran: "Sure will." (as he strolls out with his walker. He's about 85 after all.)

So that gave me a great tickle, and I think it did for him too. There was another veteran that I pushed back to his room and we were joking a little bit about how we both get easily confused. He was just clutching his teddy bear and it touched my heart. These guys gave so much for our country, life, limb, their mind sometimes, and there's no way to ever really repay them.

On the way home, I was stopped at a light next to a beggar, a man in a wheelchair with a missing foot. I had stopped for lunch for myself and had a hamburger untouched, so I went ahead and gave it to him. I know a lot of the people who beg on the side of the road are fraudulent, but how could I see this man and not give him something? I heard something a long time ago that God knows of your kindness, even if it goes to the wrong person, and sometimes that kindness may change that wrong person for the better, so it's better to give... something like that. Anyway, I need to be better about doing things like that, so I guess that the burger will be my start.

A very humbling weekend, to be sure. It's probably a fitting way to start Christmas week.

It's probably time for a dating update, right?

Let's see... none of the guys that I last mentioned are still in the picture. Some I got rid of, some got rid of me, but that's OK. Now there's three main guys:

The Nurse

F is a nurse that lives and works about an hour and a half south of my city. He is a super nice guy, very handsome, smart, sexy voice, not married and no kids (just what I'm looking for). We talk about twice a week, mainly about his work, and there's just no spark. Not on my end, and I don't feel it coming from him either. He's made no move to ask me out, although to be fair I have been really busy with school and he knows it. Even if he did ask, I'm not sure that I would want to. I'm just not feeling "it" with him. I feel bad about it though, since he seems perfect. How do I tell the perfect guy that he's not it for me?

The Swede

S is another sweetie, this time from Sweden. He's crazy about me, and I really like him too. He has some sort of car business (buying cars from other countries and selling them in Sweden?) and is a former boxing champion of some kind. He's a little shorter than I would like, although two inches taller than me, and built slim (probably not an ounce of fat on him), which makes me feel like I'll look like some huge ogre in comparison. He likes bigger women though, which is good for me I guess. We talk on the phone at least one to two times a day, plus instant message chatting, plus texting, plus the occasional email. He says he thinks I am so sweet, so nice, so classy, etc., which is nice to hear. He offered to buy my plane ticket if I want to come visit. Normally I would say no, I'm not traveling for a man again, but there's some issue with a visa? I know that sometimes people from other countries have a harder time visiting the US than we do visiting their countries, but could this be a red flag? Maybe, but I think I'll go anyway (we only live once, who knows when or if I will have a chance to go to Sweden again?) I'll be safe and smart, so I think it will be OK.

The New Yorker

O and I began our friendship on a dating site, but it was after we realized that we would not be a good match because of religious differences. We both really liked each others' profiles and we emailed back and forth just as friends. He gave me his personal email, and we've been emailing and talking on the phone about every other day. We have really great, deep, interesting conversations, on topics like our families, philosophy, religion, the world in general. It's really fun. There is something about this man that keeps drawing me closer to him. His voice is amazing, so deep and rumbling, sexy accent (he's Egyptian), and he's so smart and thoughtful. He's got this gentle personality but he's still so strong and masculine... the other day we were talking about the differences between men and women, and he was telling me something about how men were hard and women were soft, beautiful creatures... I almost jumped through the phone to him. Remembering our conversation makes my heart race and me breathe a little faster. His voice, his words, were like the most decadent buttercream cake icing you've ever tasted, so rich and sweet, like you've died and gone to heaven... He calls me honey and it's the sexiest "honey" you've ever heard (hence, the title of this post.) Wow. One tiny "bad" thing. We are very honest and open with each other, and he asked me about my weight, why I wasn't working to lose it. I think he's a bit of a "DGI" (don't get it) when it comes to people being heavy, as he said I just need to do better, that it's for my health (I agree totally on that point), but that's my only complaint about him. He is so tall and handsome, so smart, sexy... the religion might not be an issue for much longer the way things are going (at least on my end). I may be meeting him in a few weeks, so I guess we'll see if we get on in person as well as we do on the phone.

So that's the summary of my latest dating adventures!

It's been two months now, since E and I broke up. I've been very good, I haven't called, texted, or emailed. I have been firm in my resolve to not give in. After all, what's the point? It's not like he's changed his mind about the dogs.

I was downloading some pictures from my camera when I saw some of his house in my town (the one we cleaned out for the new tenants). He had taken the pictures on my camera as his was lost. I thought I would be nice and email them in case he had any problems with the tenants. I kept the email very short and to-the-point: Here's the pictures. I didn't ask how he was, no chit-chat or anything. Well, he writes back, "oh thank you baby" baby this, baby that, blah blah. Then a few days later sends me his pictures of our trip to the mountains. More baby baby. It pissed me off that he calls me that. I did not respond to either baby-baby emails, and I'm not going to. I can't go there. It still hurts.

Last night he sent a Christmas e-card. It was a stupid little cartoon video of a teddy bear watering a flower pot and out pops a little Christmas tree. The message in the e-card was something to the effect of hoping I had the "best Christmas ever" and a happy new year. Hey E, bite me! How the hell am I supposed to be having the best Christmas ever? Two months ago I was fairly secure in a relationship that I thought would be continuing with marriage and children. We'd certainly been together long enough, shared enough experiences (good and bad) together. Now I'm single again, have to start the "give it time" stopwatch over again, have to start building a relationship again... yuck. Fuck you, E, and your best Christmas ever.

The sad thing is, while I am mad at him, and pissed that he even has the nerve to send something like that, I kind of like it too. It's that sick game he and I play, the back-and-forth bullshit. I would love to see him come crawling back, although I know that will never happen. At this point, even if he did, I don't think I would want him back, although as a friend pointed out last night, that's because I'm talking to someone new. When I am completely without prospects, I get feeling kind of desperate. Sigh... not a great part of my personality, but if I can't be honest in my own blog, where can I be?

Last year this time I was trying to decide what to buy E for Christmas. I did not spend much time with my family because I was with him, and he "doesn't like crowds". I thought to myself, we need a "Our First Christmas" ornament, because surely, we'll be together many years and it will be nice to have a keepsake. Well, I guess we needed a "First and Last" ornament because we won't be sharing any more holidays.

It's probably for the best, but it still hurts.

This weekend was "Fa-la-la-la time" as my mom called it. Possibly for the first time ever we put up decorations before Thanksgiving. Usually it's the week before Christmas because we all dread pulling the stuff out from the dusty recesses of the garage. But now, the tree is covered with garland and lights, there is a glittering lighted swag-thing on the fireplace, the wreath is on the door, and the light-up Jesus, Mary, and Joseph are on the front porch to proclaim "'Tis the season". It's nice. It's always a weird, trippy, journey back through time to unpack the ornaments from our childhood. Tarnished silver angels and crumbling handprint dough ornaments are special reminders of how we used to be so excited over anything Christmas-related. Now we do it to convince ourselves we're not Scrooges, but without little kids around, it's not the same. It is another reminder that I should have a little one (or two) running around on the lookout for Santa Claus. My mom should have a grandchild to make the gingerbread house with, instead of my friends' kids. But, such is life, and we will all get through it to face another year.

Well the Greek I wrote about last time is NO MORE. Everything was great, no hint of trouble, and he disappeared while on a business trip. I sent an email this weekend and I can see he read it, so at least I know he's not incapacitated in some way, but it hurts. I really thought he was sincere, I would have bet my life on it, and turns out he wasn't. What does that say for my ability to judge character? But, I shouldn't think like that. It's not my fault he was deceptive, just like it's no one else's fault when they go through this.

There is now a new Greek (-American), along with a few others I'm writing/talking to. The new Greek, V, is super sweet, loves animals (Yay!), seems like a great guy. He's Orthodox, never married, and no kids, all traits I have been looking for. He's American born so no foreign accent, but he does speak Greek fluently (which is sexy!) The bad part - he's quite a bit older than me. Older than E was even. This could be a bad idea for only that reason, but I am just exploring possibilities right now.

There's a few others: the widower in North Carolina, the geeky guy in Chicago, the beer garden owner in Germany, the self-described Viking from Belgium, and the Sri Lankan from Italy (yes, you read that right). There are pros and cons to all, but the attention is nice, and so is a distraction from the loneliness.

Will update when something juicy happens!

Delicious, sweet, intelligent - The Greek is all that and more.

He approached me on a dating site. After my first peak at him, I was not interested, but as I've gotten to know him, I am in deep like and lust!. Remember I like dark-skinned men? He's not chocolate, but does have a lovely Mediterranean olive complexion. Normally I prefer taller, but he's tall enough. He's muscular, grew up working on a farm. Big, strong, rough hands (I imagine) are a big turn-on! He is looking for long-term, marriage and kids. He tells me he's never talked to someone who thinks so "maturely".

I am not sure what will happen with The Greek yet. I have my fantasies of course, but time will tell. He says he will come here (from Greece!) to visit after New Years Day. We'll see...

I am pretty much over him at the moment. No call from him, and I'm not calling him either. I've started deleting old text messages, I've put his old emails in a folder that's not so "in your face" for me. I don't look at his pictures.

I do think about the holidays. I think about what I had planned to buy him for Christmas, pajama pants and other little things. We should be making plans for our trip to Universal Studios in February. But, he decided he didn't want that. So, fine! Good riddance, jerk.

I also know I'd be trying to figure out how to balance time with him and time with my family, since he was not really "into" family gatherings. What a joke. Family gatherings are what you get when you're with me. It's just the way it is. Joe liked it. Hell, he got along with my family better than I did. That shows me it is possible to find someone to mesh with my family. But no, I'd skip some beloved family tradition to drive the 3 hours to his house to spend the day quietly with him. I know I would, and I would feel guilty for missing my relatives.

I picture him eating alone, not exchanging presents with anyone, not putting up any decorations (he only put up the Christmas tree last year because I wanted it). That makes me sad, because I know I would be depressed in that situation. But, I'm not him. This is what he chose...right?

My aunt has recently joined the Ladies' Auxiliary of the VFW (I think I got that right) and has been recruiting other family members to pitch in. I've been looking for something, so this seemed right. Two weekends ago I joined her and my uncle with their VFW branch at a veterans' hospital in Lake City, about an hour and a half away.

I woke up that morning, dressed, then went out to leave. BRRRR! For an October morning in Florida, it was cold and windy. I figured I should have a light jacket so ran into one of my usual stores to try to find one. Passing by the 3-angle mirror gave me pause. I was NOT looking good. Actually, I looked terrible! Long story short, I ended up buying a whole new outfit right then and there. Of course I needed shoes, so I stopped in the store next door. An hour later, and $150.00 lighter, I was on my way to the sticks (sorry, Lake City).

The weekend's activity was the fall festival. Volunteers were needed to help run the booths, talk to the residents/patients, and just bring a smiling face. We were running the bean bag toss booth, where the player tries to toss a bean bag into a hole in a board marked with certain prizes. They could win different forms of candy, or a hug. Boy, those old men like to hug the women! It was really sweet actually. One old man in particular kept coming back to win hugs from my aunt. She told me later it felt like her tits were going to be squeezed off - her words. The Jaguars' cheerleaders performed, which was probably everyone's favorite part. I took a little (secret, evil) pleasure in noticing the back fat on the cheerleaders. Sorry, I didn't have a great relationship with cheerleaders in high school. I'm human.

Overall, I had a great time. The weather was actually perfect for being outside, and it was so nice to be able to do something for others. It was nice to be able to help out/support my aunt as well. She does so much for veterans and soldiers and I feel bad that the family doesn't help as much as she does.

Why is he not playing the game right? He should be calling me, telling me how sorry he is, and how we have got to make this work because he can't live without me. Sure, I told him I didn't want to be friends with him, but that's only because I couldn't torture myself knowing he was dating someone else while pretending to be OK with it. He should be calling anyway! That's what always happened before. The longer it goes, the more I think he does have someone else, and that makes me feel really sad.

I had an interesting phone call last night from someone new I met online. We had only emailed a few short replies to each other, and then decided to talk on the phone. That man talked my ear off for 2.5 hours! He talks so fast it was difficult to get a word in edgewise. Some things about him were right with my taste, others not so much. I really like an assertive guy, someone who takes charge, but he took it beyond that. He dropped the bomb that he is into the "dominant-submissive lifestyle" (his words). I don't even know exactly what he means by that. Are we talking leather, punishments, S&M? I don't think I want to be with someone who is "in the lifestyle" as he put it. He did like the dogs idea though. Said he could tell I was goodhearted, especially since I had more than 1, and he really liked that.

He also gave me some advice: the type of man who will be interested in me will want to see pictures of me, of my booty specifically, and best if I am bending over, or in some sexy panties, stuff like that. Can you believe it? I told him that if a man wanted to see all that to figure out if he liked me, then I wasn't going to like that man. He called me naiive.

Is that true? I see pictures of women on their dating profiles, with the lowcut shirts and cameras angled down to see their cleavage; posing provocatively in their mini-skirts or skin-tight jeans... is that how I should do it? I just think that sends the wrong message, that they are looking for sex first, maybe a relationship later.

I have now emailed/talked with a few guys (I know, so soon, but I needed the distraction) and the more I do, the more it makes me wish for E. There were so many good things about him. He treated me with respect, was gentle when needed and not so gentle when that was needed too. It makes me miss him so much more, and wonder will I ever find someone that combines his good traits with also accepting my pets?

Today is 2 weeks post-breakup for me. Earlier today I was emailing back and forth with this French guy. He was not my type, too short, etc. but it was a welcome distraction. He then started to tell me how French sex is better, all women like it over there, blah blah blah. Wanted to meet me for lunch but wouldn't provide a picture? Weirdo. I'm not doing that, by the way.Right now I am actually feeling good. No new flame in the works, I just spent a whole bunch of money buying new clothes, and I will be spending more tomorrow. Hey, I worked an extra 2 hours today, I deserve it! Right now I can picture myself getting along just fine without a man. This will probably change in a couple of hours.

He called just now, acted like things were normal, called me sweet names and even said he loved me. I told him I can't do this with him - either he's in my life, fully, or he's out. Otherwise it's too painful. He didn't seem to like that but told me if I wanted to talk sometime to give him a call.Oh, how I want to. I want so badly to pretend everything is OK. But I know it's not, and I have to be able to get through these roughest times so I can move on. It makes me sick to think of moving on right now, but I know I have to.This is so very similar to when Joe died. I developed a history with E, we had shared memories, inside jokes, vacations taken, pictures posed for together... all of this to be taken away because he doesn't want dogs!!! And I feel like such a hypocrite because he's probably thinking the same things about me - that I'm taking all this away because of some dumb dogs.Right now I even hate my dogs (really I love them, but you know...) because "they" are standing between me and happiness. And yet I know it's not really them, it's that this just won't work with E. I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

Tonight, my mostly happy life just took a sharp downward turn. I have just spent the last hour crying and trying to breathe (you know how it is, your head gets all stuffy and yucky), and I could just use something... maybe a few prayers for strength and hope... I don't know exactly what I need.Maybe just to yell... I F***ING HATE MY LIFE! WHAT DID I DO THAT WAS SO HORRIBLE THAT I SHOULD DESERVE THIS?!!!

I hate feeling like the past year and a half with him has been building to probably nothing. I hate feeling like I've trapped myself in a life that I don't want, and I can't get what I want because of the limitations I've created for myself. So, I blame myself for things not working out, and I blame him for making me blame myself, if that makes sense. I love him so much, and I hate him right now. I don't want to live without him, and I hope he calls me and says "just kidding", and yet I know how crazy that is to drag this out even longer.

It's been a while since I've posted anything substantial. I got a little burned out on it, but I need to get started again. My brain is turning to mush and at least writing regularly helps me keep it in shape.

So, to quickly recap:

I've started a new semester in school. I'm signed up for Microbiology, Psychology, Sociology and all of those are going well. I really love Micro. I hate Psych and Socio but I think I will get A's in those classes. I hate the group projects Psych and Socio require, but I'm just trying to get through it. They are accelerated, so only 4 more weeks or so of those 2 classes. I had signed up for Statistics but after a few weeks I missed some classes and I withdrew. There goes $300 down the drain! I will take it again next semester and signed up for my next English class to take its place now. I may regret that later, but what can I do?

I have also been obsessing (like always) about what I'll do for the nursing program. Right now I'm planning on applying for the university as well as my community college's program. I want my Bachelors (university) but it is more competitive, so I might have to go to the CC program first and then transfer over. I'll just keep my fingers crossed for now, and try to study for entrance exams.

That's enough of school.

E and I are doing fairly well. We've had a couple of "fights" (if you can call them that). He's been having trouble with his tenants in the houses he rents out (hmm...should make him sell those houses, but he is still waiting for the market to turn around) and was taking it out on me (unfairly in my opinion) but he apologized and we are OK now.

This weekend I spent with E. Saturday we drove about 2 hours to his (currently vacant) rental house to deal with some of the problems left by the horrible ex-tenants (really, really horrible, awful people). We spent about 8 hours at that house. It was a long and tiring day, especially for him as he was doing a lot of yard work. Sunday we spent at his house relaxing, watching movies, and me working on homework. The bad parts about this weekend - I hurt my back on Thurs or Friday and it's gotten progressively worse. It's also been a very bad self-esteem weekend. I feel disgusted with my body and how I've let things get this way (my weight). I hope this will motivate me to get to the gym this week. The GOOD parts of this weekend - I got to see E really laugh hard a few times. He was really cracking up! It makes me smile to think about it. He's been really sweet lately, very attentive, very interested in me and things going on in my life. It makes me feel good. I love him a lot.