No promise for tomorrow

Today I received a card from a lifelong friend. First I noticed it was addressed to Ms. (Name) whereas before she ALWAYS addressed mail to Mrs. (Name). Opening the card, there was a preprinted "Hoping you will have a holiday you'll cherish forever." Yes, my first Christmas ALONE I'll be sure and cherish this forever. It was signed "Love, (Family). No "thinking of you and Joe," no personal message at all. Just that damned cherish this holiday forever BULLSHIT. WTF kind of card is that to send???

I got one from my mom that said something nice about how I was one of the best things that ever happened to her, but didn't mention Joe at all. SOME MENTION would have been nice.

(Edit: Mom, if you're reading this, I know you didn't mean anything by it. I was just emotional at the time. Love you!)

A good day means you wipe the french fry salt off your hands BEFORE changing channels on the remote.

Speaking of salt, your 4 food groups now consist of salt, grease, alcohol, and pills.

You haven't seen the bottom of your car's passenger seat in months (and haven't needed to.)

You avoid phone calls and visits from the few friends you have left, because hearing about their great lives makes you feel even more of a pathetic loser.

Your dog, garden gnome, and dead grandmother all have more active social lives than you do.

When you have EXHAUSTED your local Blockbuster's resources. Seriously. I have watched every movie worth watching from there. If I get desperate I may have to venture into the kids' section, but I'm hoping to avoid that.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~Anais Nin

Love it.

I mentioned to some family members yesterday how I was talking to someone from a Catholic dating site and wanted to meet them in person, then went on to describe him, including him being African (moved here 10 years ago). My aunt made the comment "Don't you want to find a nice white boy? It would make things so much easier." My family is Euro/Caucasian, my late husband was Pacific Islander and this new man is African. I really took offense to what she said, both for Joe and this guy, but should I? Especially in the South, but really it's everywhere, interracial relationships attract more attention, sometimes negative. To me, it doesn't matter. I am attracted to certain people (more often non-Caucasian) and I don't care about other people's problems with it. I just didn't know how to respond to what she said. Did she think I shouldn't have been with my husband? She loved him too.

This added on to my sister saying to me, "Are you just afraid to be alone!" makes me not want to tell my family anything anymore. And I'm very close to them.

It's not just skin hunger (although that is a big part of it I'm sure). I'm very lucky that I have a large family I'm close to, and several friends I can call, but the thing is, I don't want any of them right now. Not that I don't want them in my life, but they are not what I'm missing. I'm missing a man to cook for, worry about, put his arm around me at night, get jealous, care about what I'm doing, etc. I just want a man to love me enough to do that. I know I don't need to go jump in a relationship out of convenience, and I know it's going to "take time." But how do I deal with this? I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin for simple care and affection. I could have a friend with benefits, but I want someone who genuinely cares for and about me. I guess there isn't really an easy fix for this, but I needed to say (type) it out loud.

Can I have what he's having?

The guy I was talking to, things were going so well...? Well tonight he tells me he's just not ready for a relationship, but he'd love to be friends with benefits, and he'd never disrespect me...

*Sigh* Also tonight I had to tell the weird obsessive guy that I wasn't interested in him, and he proceeds to get whiney and ask inappropriate questions about me and Joe's relationship. Good thing I nipped that one in the bud.

Who does that leave? Another guy that calls me once in a while but isn't wanting a relationship either. He'd be happy with phone sex and booty calls though.

Something is seriously wrong with me that I seem to be attracting these people. Joe was one of very few "normal" guys that I've run across. Where are the normal men? Already married most likely.

3 words pretty much sum up how I feel right now. Not only were there intimacy issues with my husband, but now that I'm trying to get back out there, apparently I am not attractive enough for online dating. I'm fat, got it. But lots of fat girls get dates. Must be my personality. Geoff calls every once in a while hoping for phone sex but doesn't hang on very long when that's turned down. Dave I thought was actually interested but after an email goof and more pics sent he seems to have lost his interest. There's someone twice my age who is coming on way too strong, it's creeping me out. Add in the younger guy (Bert) who has some sort of disability who spent an hour alternating between saying "it's so hard" and trying to save my soul, and now is sending constant messages via voicemail, email, myspace, POF site, etc. I'm hoping he gets the hint that I'm not interested but I don't want to be mean or insensitive. Then there's the countless men online who don't even bother to respond to a wink or an email. Oh I'm forgetting the 2 other guys that were interested for a little while but then dropped off the face of the earth. So what am I good for? Sex, maybe, with some desperate guys who don't care I'm fat but only want to get some and then won't call. I should just end it now because apparently I'm going to be fat, lonely, and unsatisfied for the rest of my life. What's the point of that kind of life?

I guess I figured out why I was so "boy-crazy" (to put it mildly) when I was younger - I wanted to feel attractive and desired. Unfortunately it didn't really work.

(Posted by someone on the widow board)

From the National Geographic which arrived yesterday:

Locks of Love...A mournful note and a pair of sandals from the 16th century have captivated South Korea. On June 1, 1586, a pregnant widow in the east wrote to her husband: "You always said you wanted to live with me until our hair turns gray. How could you pass away without me?" She left the letter in his tomb, along with shoes she'd made as a sign of love for her ailing spouse, woven from her hair and hemp bark. There they lay until the city of Andong began moving graves to make way for houses.

Her message was that love transcends time and place. "Come to me secretly," she urged. "Although I have much to say, I'll stop here." Korea has resurrected the dialogue with two novels and a TV documentary. A statue of the widow stands at the gravesite. Koreans and Japanese tourists have brought thousands of copies of the letter. "It is a timeless peice," says Park Chang-gun, a professor directing an opera about the couple, "still making people cry."

How perfect is that expression of her grief? It's something that transcends the ages I guess.

Today (well, technically yesterday) was All Souls' Day. It's also approximately 3.5 months since Joe died. First thing today I gave my notice at work. I was really nervous but I needed to do it. I need a break, some time to deal with the house, with getting ready for school, etc. My boss took it pretty well. I offered to work flexible part time after the 2 weeks, but it sounds like he's going to want to hire someone full time, which is fine with me. It's really a toxic workplace, so the sooner I cut ties, the better for me, I think.

This evening was a special All Souls' Mass at St. Joseph's. It was held at dusk in the cemetery, was candlelit and was really nice. Mom and Jenny went with me, which was nice of them. The most memorable thing about the Mass was one of the ladies in the row ahead put her still burning candle down on the ground to burn out. It smoldered for a while and then started catching the surrounding paper and grass on fire. I couldn't stop watching it for several minutes, worrying I or someone would have to run up to that row and stomp out the flames. Eventually it burned itself out but goodness! Of course the niche for Joe's ashes is not ready yet, so I brought the ashes to the service and waited while Fr. Anthony blessed all the graves. I was expecting something a little more...personalized I guess, but all he did was wave the incense around and then flick the holy water around. At one point he flicked and I ended up with holy water in my eye, but hey, of all the things to get in one's eye, I'll take the holy water!

This week has been wrought with antsy-ness (if that's a word) and anxiety for me as I wait for calls or emails from this guy (Dave) I've been talking to. I prayed tonight that he really was interested in me and that he would call soon, and lo and behold, a few minutes after I got done praying, he called! It was almost midnight but he called to talk. We ended up talking for 2.5 hours, amazingly. Conversation ranged from chit chat about favorite vacation spots, to some naughty talk, to deeper topics like him growing up with a raging alcoholic for a father. He definitely has a lot of emotions he's dealing with, but who wouldn't be under those circumstances? I'm finding myself really, really liking this guy. I'm trying not to let it get too crazy, because I know I will be hurt so badly when it (whatever this is) ends, but it's hard not to be swept off my feet. In terms of values and all, we are so incredibly well matched. I've seen a lot of his pics, and I think he's HOT!!! He's seen 2 or 3 of mine and says I'm cute, but I need to send full-length shots. He says weight really doesn't bother him, which is nice and all of him, but I still deal with a lot of self-consciousness. I need to project confidence though. Need to work on that. That, and finding some sexy outfits to take some pictures! He said he'll call me later, I hope that means soon.

Tomorrow (well, really today since it's almost 3am) is Saturday and when I wake up I need to work on getting the house in order. It's a huge mess, and I will feel so much better when it's done. So, lots of prayers for Joe today, and no tears. Plus a very nice conversation with a cool guy. Overall I'd say today was very good.

Today I find out a good friend of mine had her baby on Tuesday. I know, KNOW, I should be feeling all happy giggly for her. But the fact of the matter is - I don't.

My first feeling is I'm pissed no one told me. I guess that's usually the husband's job, but he didn't call me even though she kept saying we'll let you know as soon as it happens, etc. And my other friend, who is also good friends with them didn't call. I had to find out from my mom who called the clinic where my friend works (where I used to work) and they mentioned, oh by the way...

My next feeling is - Poor Me. They have only been married a year. I was married for 5 and living with him for 7 total. We wanted a baby from Day 1 practically. We had moved to trying to make adoption plans. When my friend got pregnant, we talked about having a joint baby shower - for her bun in the oven, and for my impending adoption. Well, baby shower was last month and so sorry for Sari, no baby and no husband either.

So here I sit at work, crying my eyes out, trying to stop before my mom gets here to take me to lunch. I'm glad it's Friday.

Originally posted on the widow board, I forwarded this to some people. I think it's great...



HOW YOU CAN HELP ME

Please talk about my loved one, even though he is gone. It is more comforting to cry than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk about him, and I need to do it over and over.

Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know when my tears may flow. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.

Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don't want to upset me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently ay, "I'm sorry." You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you
to know that."

Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I feel only if you really have time to find out.

I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me.

I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after my loved one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only grieving his death, but also the person I was when I was with him, the life that we shared, the plans we had for watching our children and grandchildren grow, the places we will never get to go together, and the hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same.

I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. He is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.

I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just not acceptable.

When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel badly enough that my loved one is dead, so please don't make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right.

Please don't tell me I can find someone else or that I need to start dating again. I'm not ready. And maybe I don't want to. And besides, what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren't. Whoever comes after will always be someone different.

I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get on with your life." My life is going on, I've been forced to take on many new responsibilities and roles. It may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I will never be my old self again. So please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget and there will always be times that I cry.

I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your hugs. I need you just to be with me, and I need to be with you. I need to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in my own way, and in my own time.

Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you some ideas:

(a) Bring food or a movie over to watch together.
(b) Send me a card on special holidays, his birthday, and the anniversary of his death, and be sure to mention his name. You can't make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day.
(c) Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I may say no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given up then I really will be alone.
(d) Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples, to walk into events alone, to go home alone, to feel out of place in the same situations where I used to feel so comfortable.

Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely. Remember I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am afraid. I may feel deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.

Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with my life. What I need now is time to grieve.

Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank you for praying for me.

And remember in the days or years ahead, after your loss - when you need me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be with you.

I am really ready to have some fun. I am tired of doing the same damned thing all the time. I want new and exciting. Everyone around me is stuck in their own routines and don't seem interested in changing anything. I want things to do! Jello-wrestling out back? I'm there! Hop a flight to the South Pole (or as close as you can get)? Let's go. You know it's bad when I'm actually running out of movies to rent at the Blockbuster.

Some things I've thought of but haven't done (mostly because no one will go with me):

Watch the tango lessons at the Spanish restaurant
Grab a drink at a random biker bar
Take off on a long weekend trip to a beach cottage
Drive to the west end of I-10
Try out the Jamaican restaurant in the bad part of town
Picnic and shell-searching at the local beach

I need some excitement.

http://www.geocities.com/beyond_stretched/holmes.htm

Interesting. I am 511, but really I'm surprised that death of a spouse is only 100, and it takes 300 to be majorly stressed?

Joe had been working on a boat for a while with his best friend. He never even got this one out in the water, unfortunately. He said he wanted his best friend to have it if anything happened to him. The thing is, I haven't heard anything from this friend since the funeral. I'm feeling a little bitter about it, and thinking, why should I give it to him when he hasn't even called? On the other hand, I know I will probably never, or rarely, use it, and Joe DID say he wanted this friend to have it. Am I being unrealistic in expecting his friend to call - it's "only" been almost 3 months.

Edited to add: After I said I'd never use it, I was thinking, maybe I would. Maybe I'd get my uncle or other male relatives interested in it, and we'd take it out once a month or so, and remember Joe. I could use it to facilitate hanging out with Joe's dad and rest of family.

Maybe my main problem is that this is just another link to him that will be gone.

I know I am still so early in the game, but I recently talked to a guy from a dating site. There are some very weird coincidences with his background and what I've sort of been daydreaming about...anyway. Thought we had a good connection, he said he'd give me a call later. That was Sunday late afternoon. Here it is Tuesday morning and I'm driving myself crazy wondering why he hasn't called. I emailed him that night after we talked, and I sent him a text message last night. Am I coming on too strong? Somebody smack me.

Also, I've noticed he's removed his picture and the text from the website, but his general profile is still there. On the one (hopeful) hand, maybe he likes me and wants to give me a chance before talking with anyone else? On the other (more realistic) hand, he's probably trying to avoid me, even though we seemed to hit it off.

I hate being needy.

I just need something...male attention maybe? I love(d) my husband SO much but things were definitely lacking. I feel like my life has been on hold for the past few years and I hate to wait even longer. I know that sounds horrible. Maybe it's my biological clock, maybe I need drugs, who the heck knows.

(9/26/07)

I left a voicemail last night and that's it. I'm not doing anymore. If his phone is broken or whatever the excuse is, I guess he'll call eventually. More likely, he just won't call. I don't want to be stalker-ish. He's in a field of work where he helps people, so I am really surprised he's acting like this. Better to find out now I guess.

*********

Just to clarify/update, this was Carlos, he never did call back. Ass. And yeah, I was being way too needy.

It's almost midnight, I'm so tired, trying to get to sleep. I can't feel myself breathing. This is a very weird feeling. It's like I have to make myself take deep gasping breaths so I know for sure I'm breathing. Not sure why but I try to find my pulse and I can't. My skin feels cold and clammy, just like Joe's did when I found him, and it's really freaking me out. I am having flashbacks to when I found Joe and I'm scared to close my eyes to try to fall asleep. I'm scared like I won't wake up. I don't know what to do. I feel like there is some pressure or something in my throat, not like I'm choking, it's hard to describe.

(Update from next day)

Just to update, I took a quick shower, brushed my teeth, and tried to lay back down last night. I left the lights on also. I pet one of my dogs and I guess something worked because next thing I was waking up this morning. I think I will mention this to my therapist, just in case. I am still extremely tired, so I'm going to try getting to sleep much earlier tonight.

I'm not a "family" anymore. No kids, but Joe and I were our own tiny family. Now what? Now do I revert to being a "hanger-on" to my mom and unmarried siblings? This realization sort of takes away that accomplishment. It's like, I may not have some fabulous career, or a lot of money, or a big house, but I had a family. Now that's been taken away.

I was planning to get Joe a new ring (he lost his original and had been wearing a cheaper silver ring), and also give him an MP3 player with his favorite music to listen to during dialysis. We should be going out for a nice dinner and he should be getting me some piece of jewelry and a bouquet of roses, both of which he always spent too much on. I was wanting to renew our vows, get married in the church on this anniversary. I had the perfect, ancient little chapel picked out. It was going to be beautiful.

I love you Joe.

Last night was bad also. I found a short video on my laptop. Joe had taken my laptop to dialysis and was goofing around with the techs. I heard his voice on the video and just lost it.

Tonight I was listening to a song and I started sobbing again. Why did all of this have to happen to him? He was such a kind and fun person. Why did he have to be subjected to all these problems in his life? Why did he have all those bad times in his childhood, his many health problems, stressors in our marriage, why did he have to endure so many needles, all that time in the dialysis clinic (he went every day), all the tortures of tests, and deal with all my problems too?

And even sicker, I sit here wondering, why me? I am a smart person, I did what I could, researched so much, why couldn't I have saved him? Why did I have to become a widow at 26? Why couldn't we get pregnant? Why do I have to deal with depression and family drama and a father who doesn't give a shit about me?

And most of all...why do I have to stay here and live on when my best friend is gone?

I feel like I can't really break down and cry with anyone. It feels like no one is grieving him like I am. I am so alone right now and just want physical affection, and I'm only 6 weeks out! Ugh.

Our seven years together left me with thousands of memories. Most of them are not interesting enough to write about, but still they're mine. I don't know what to do with them though. Who could understand or appreciate the "nasty oatmeal that he fed to the dogs" memory? No one. And there's so many others.

I killed a spider this morning. It was HUGE and possibly lethal (I may be exaggerating but I'm not sure) and unfortunately the remedy involved taking the detachable shower head and spraying the bathroom walls and ceiling but it's DEAD. I did it.

I don't like it when I read critical statements of widows who never remarry. I read things that describe someone as too consumed with grief to properly move on, or being stuck in the past. Or when authors say "My marriage was so good I wanted to do it again." I don't mean to criticize those who have gone on to remarry, but I take that like, so if I never remarry, that means I had a bad marriage? I don't want to forget and move on. Nobody could replace or even come close to my husband.