Today I find out a good friend of mine had her baby on Tuesday. I know, KNOW, I should be feeling all happy giggly for her. But the fact of the matter is - I don't.
My first feeling is I'm pissed no one told me. I guess that's usually the husband's job, but he didn't call me even though she kept saying we'll let you know as soon as it happens, etc. And my other friend, who is also good friends with them didn't call. I had to find out from my mom who called the clinic where my friend works (where I used to work) and they mentioned, oh by the way...
My next feeling is - Poor Me. They have only been married a year. I was married for 5 and living with him for 7 total. We wanted a baby from Day 1 practically. We had moved to trying to make adoption plans. When my friend got pregnant, we talked about having a joint baby shower - for her bun in the oven, and for my impending adoption. Well, baby shower was last month and so sorry for Sari, no baby and no husband either.
So here I sit at work, crying my eyes out, trying to stop before my mom gets here to take me to lunch. I'm glad it's Friday.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
How You Can Help Me
Originally posted on the widow board, I forwarded this to some people. I think it's great...
HOW YOU CAN HELP ME
Please talk about my loved one, even though he is gone. It is more comforting to cry than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk about him, and I need to do it over and over.
Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know when my tears may flow. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.
Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don't want to upset me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently ay, "I'm sorry." You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you
to know that."
Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I feel only if you really have time to find out.
I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me.
I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after my loved one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only grieving his death, but also the person I was when I was with him, the life that we shared, the plans we had for watching our children and grandchildren grow, the places we will never get to go together, and the hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same.
I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. He is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.
I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just not acceptable.
When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel badly enough that my loved one is dead, so please don't make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right.
Please don't tell me I can find someone else or that I need to start dating again. I'm not ready. And maybe I don't want to. And besides, what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren't. Whoever comes after will always be someone different.
I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get on with your life." My life is going on, I've been forced to take on many new responsibilities and roles. It may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I will never be my old self again. So please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget and there will always be times that I cry.
I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your hugs. I need you just to be with me, and I need to be with you. I need to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in my own way, and in my own time.
Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you some ideas:
(a) Bring food or a movie over to watch together.
(b) Send me a card on special holidays, his birthday, and the anniversary of his death, and be sure to mention his name. You can't make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day.
(c) Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I may say no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given up then I really will be alone.
(d) Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples, to walk into events alone, to go home alone, to feel out of place in the same situations where I used to feel so comfortable.
Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely. Remember I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am afraid. I may feel deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.
Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with my life. What I need now is time to grieve.
Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank you for praying for me.
And remember in the days or years ahead, after your loss - when you need me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be with you.
HOW YOU CAN HELP ME
Please talk about my loved one, even though he is gone. It is more comforting to cry than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk about him, and I need to do it over and over.
Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know when my tears may flow. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.
Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don't want to upset me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently ay, "I'm sorry." You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you
to know that."
Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I feel only if you really have time to find out.
I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me.
I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after my loved one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only grieving his death, but also the person I was when I was with him, the life that we shared, the plans we had for watching our children and grandchildren grow, the places we will never get to go together, and the hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same.
I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. He is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.
I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just not acceptable.
When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel badly enough that my loved one is dead, so please don't make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right.
Please don't tell me I can find someone else or that I need to start dating again. I'm not ready. And maybe I don't want to. And besides, what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren't. Whoever comes after will always be someone different.
I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get on with your life." My life is going on, I've been forced to take on many new responsibilities and roles. It may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I will never be my old self again. So please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget and there will always be times that I cry.
I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your hugs. I need you just to be with me, and I need to be with you. I need to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in my own way, and in my own time.
Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you some ideas:
(a) Bring food or a movie over to watch together.
(b) Send me a card on special holidays, his birthday, and the anniversary of his death, and be sure to mention his name. You can't make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day.
(c) Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I may say no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given up then I really will be alone.
(d) Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples, to walk into events alone, to go home alone, to feel out of place in the same situations where I used to feel so comfortable.
Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely. Remember I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am afraid. I may feel deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.
Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with my life. What I need now is time to grieve.
Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank you for praying for me.
And remember in the days or years ahead, after your loss - when you need me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be with you.
Monday, October 22, 2007
So fucking bored!
I am really ready to have some fun. I am tired of doing the same damned thing all the time. I want new and exciting. Everyone around me is stuck in their own routines and don't seem interested in changing anything. I want things to do! Jello-wrestling out back? I'm there! Hop a flight to the South Pole (or as close as you can get)? Let's go. You know it's bad when I'm actually running out of movies to rent at the Blockbuster.
Some things I've thought of but haven't done (mostly because no one will go with me):
Watch the tango lessons at the Spanish restaurant
Grab a drink at a random biker bar
Take off on a long weekend trip to a beach cottage
Drive to the west end of I-10
Try out the Jamaican restaurant in the bad part of town
Picnic and shell-searching at the local beach
I need some excitement.
Some things I've thought of but haven't done (mostly because no one will go with me):
Watch the tango lessons at the Spanish restaurant
Grab a drink at a random biker bar
Take off on a long weekend trip to a beach cottage
Drive to the west end of I-10
Try out the Jamaican restaurant in the bad part of town
Picnic and shell-searching at the local beach
I need some excitement.
The Holmes-Rahe scale, or, How Stressed Are You?
http://www.geocities.com/beyond_stretched/holmes.htm
Interesting. I am 511, but really I'm surprised that death of a spouse is only 100, and it takes 300 to be majorly stressed?
Interesting. I am 511, but really I'm surprised that death of a spouse is only 100, and it takes 300 to be majorly stressed?
Monday, October 08, 2007
The boat and his friend
Joe had been working on a boat for a while with his best friend. He never even got this one out in the water, unfortunately. He said he wanted his best friend to have it if anything happened to him. The thing is, I haven't heard anything from this friend since the funeral. I'm feeling a little bitter about it, and thinking, why should I give it to him when he hasn't even called? On the other hand, I know I will probably never, or rarely, use it, and Joe DID say he wanted this friend to have it. Am I being unrealistic in expecting his friend to call - it's "only" been almost 3 months.
Edited to add: After I said I'd never use it, I was thinking, maybe I would. Maybe I'd get my uncle or other male relatives interested in it, and we'd take it out once a month or so, and remember Joe. I could use it to facilitate hanging out with Joe's dad and rest of family.
Maybe my main problem is that this is just another link to him that will be gone.
Edited to add: After I said I'd never use it, I was thinking, maybe I would. Maybe I'd get my uncle or other male relatives interested in it, and we'd take it out once a month or so, and remember Joe. I could use it to facilitate hanging out with Joe's dad and rest of family.
Maybe my main problem is that this is just another link to him that will be gone.
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