No promise for tomorrow

I was about to post an update, saying I hadn't even cried in a while, but re-reading some of my earlier posts made me teary-eyed. It's funny that I don't even remember posting some of those things, but apparently I did. I can't believe I say I may as well end it now. I don't feel like that at all, especially now, so nobody panic.

It's been almost 4 months since I last posted. Still here at work, hating it, but I'm not going anywhere because I basically get to play on the internet and only have to put up with occassional BS for $12.50/hr. I can deal with that. Business is really slow, the economy is bad, no one is building anything, or if they are, they aren't giving us the jobs. I see this place as a sinking ship, but I'm going to ride it out for now.

I've been a little surprised as I've discovered my attraction for African men (as in from Africa, not black American) . The vast majority of my "interactions" (meaning relationships, phone relationships, emails, whatever) have been with African men. I'm not entirely sure what it is that has such a hold on me. Maybe the accent, the assertive (some would say domineering but I'm not sure I agree) personality, the new and different culture they teach me about, etc. Whatever it is, I like it.

I had a brief relationship (Army guy, J, Nigerian) start up and end since I last posted. We actually started emailing in mid-November, went to a few phone calls in December, went to LOTS of phone calls in Jan/Feb, I flew out to meet him in Feb (Valentine's week of all times!) and spent a few days. That was a fun trip and I was envisioning wedding cakes and baby carriages, but alas, it was not meant to be. The second trip out there (again, I did the traveling) I was in his town for oh, about 24 hours before things went sour. I'll post details about that later, perhaps. I was heartbroken for a few weeks, but have succeeded in distracting myself with other guys. I think I take the distraction approach a lot. Not quite sure if that's healthy, but I guess I'll stick with what I know.

These new guys - have a few good phone relationships going on. One of them, M, (American) is a lawyer in Cali. He's brilliant and we have the best conversations ranging from my love of Tracy Chevalier (and his pretend jealousy of her) to Uncrustables, those PB&J freezer things. The last few days something feels weird so this thing with him may be over. I think I can be OK with that, although a little disappointed. He said from the start he didn't know if he was ready for dating anyway, because of dealing with his divorce.

Second guy is D (not the first guy Dave), originally from the Central African Republic but now living in the US. He's a university student, former seminary student, speaks French as his first language and has been teaching me bits of it. My pronunciation is atrocious but it's fun. We have a lot of laughs and he's very sweet.

Third guy (and, I guess, most serious) is E. E is Nigerian/Caribbean and actually lives in town (praise Jesus!) and we've spent the last 2 weekends together. He's older - 51 - although he tells me he's 45 and thinks I don't know the truth. He's a charmer and full of pretty words, always calling me baby and darling and beautiful. From what he says he's very interested in me, makes vague references to rings, etc. I find myself falling more and more for him and the security that he offers, but I have to try to hold myself back. Unfortunately I let things get physical and it complicates matters. I've heard vague references before to "the future" from Army guy and look how that blew up in my face. Granted, this has been a little less vague and more intense than Army guy, but I don't know. The age difference bothers me too. I worry about how he could die, but I also have experienced the death of a husband when he was 37, so there are no guarantees in life. I know that better than anyone.

Spring is upon us and we are getting closer to summer. It's heating up outside and I need to get a lot of work done in the house. I've let it get really bad again. I need to get my AC in working order but the place is not presentable for the repair guy yet.

That's all for now.

Some guy messaged me with (and I quote) "R U Thick?" Ew. Having to put your picture up for everyone and their brother to look at, judge, etc. is stressful. And having the same "what do you do for work, what do you do for fun" conversation a billion times over is tiring. And I never know if I should be weirded out or what when guys want to talk on the phone after 1 short IM'ing conversation.

One of our widowers (who shall remain nameless) called me Mother Teresa and said I was delusional when I said I didn't want someone who was objectifying me like that by introducing himself with "r u thick." He also said this is a product of evolution. I think he's delusional if he thinks this is "ok."

And yet I keep doing it.