No promise for tomorrow

I like this book. It was short enough for me to read in one day (well, an afternoon and an evening.) I always love stories about women, especially in other cultures, about their daily lives and their struggles. This book has several themes running through it. First, it's about 2 girls living in 1800's China. It describes the hard life of a woman, especially a poor woman, footbinding (if you've never heard of this, look it up, it's fascinating and disturbing at the same time), and how friendship can change as you grow up. It also talks about how a misunderstanding can ruin a friendship forever. It's not my all-time favorite novel, but I think it is well-written and highly descriptive, and I may read it again some day. If you like Amy Tan's books (I do), I think you will like this one.

Author's website
Amazon review and purchase info

A fellow widda posted something about how it's hard to reach out, to make herself vulnerable, and as I re-read her post, I realize how much I identify with that.

I've always been that way. It's difficult for me to initiate hugs, even with family. It's so much easier for me to write an email than call someone, because I hate the thought of "inconveniencing" them by interrupting something. I don't cry in front of people. Since Joe died, I've cried in front of 1 person only, my sister, and though she was great, I felt so...exposed, and uncomfortable.

When E and I had that argument and I left and came back to his house the next day, I so badly wanted to reach out and touch his arm or hold his hand, to silently say "I'm sorry," but it took several minutes of trying to convince myself in my head to do it. Why is that?

I don't know the answer, but I know I need to work on improving myself. Where would we all be if no one ever put themselves in a vulnerable situation? I don't want to be this seemingly cold, unfeeling person. It's not who I am at all, but at times I know I project it.

I went with family to Sanibel Island in southwest Florida. 7 of us stayed in a really nice condo/hotel rental. Everyone complained that I made the AC too cold, but I guess that's normal. Right on the beach. Had a pretty good time, although I came back a day early to check on the cats. The best part of the whole trip was when you go over the bridge that joins the island with the mainland, you can see where the water turns into that beautiful blue-green. It was breath-taking.

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I had told E I would be coming back early (Saturday noonish) so hopefully I could see him. Unfortunately, when I originally told him of my vacation plans, he made plans to work over the weekend. When he called Friday night, he said work was done early so he would be driving up to see me. It was a nice surprise, especially considering he would be driving 2.5 hours one way, and we'd only be able to spend about 24 hours together. He said he wanted to be able to see me one more time before I left for Pennsylvania. We had a good time together. I got to his house around 3pm yesterday, and he jumped right on me, LOL. A little later we went to the grocery store to get stuff to make egusi soup again. We made dinner together, watched a movie, then after dark sat by the pool watching the vacuum-monster clean the bottom. I was sitting on the edge with my feet in the water, he moved his chair to sit behind me and started rubbing my back. We talked for a while then he leaned forward and wrapped his arms around me with his chin on top of my head. It was a really sweet few moments. I ended up taking my clothes off and skinny-dipping while he sat in his chair and we talked. He couldn't believe I was swimming naked in the cold water, called me his fish, then his mermaid, LOL. Got out, took a shower together. Today we made breakfast, watched another movie, took another shower preceded AND followed by fun time in the bathroom (sorry if TMI, LOL) and spent more time in bed, alternating napping and talking. It was a nice weekend.

This weekend started off really well. As I previously posted, E came in town early, on Thursday night, then we spent Friday afternoon together doing the usual things (movies, dinner, talking, etc.) We went looking for a particular Jamaican restaurant, couldn't find it, but found another (The Pepper Pot) in a bad part of town. At this restaurant, you can't even go inside. You place your order from outside through 2 security screens, then wait for your food. We both kept looking around nervously, and E make jokes about a drive-by happening any minute. We got our food and went back to his place. My curry goat was interesting. The flavor was pretty good but there were a lot of bone slivers and that just turned my stomach so I had to stop eating.

Saturday was fun. We finally found out where the African market was, and went and picked up some groceries. It's interesting in there! There were huge cardboard boxes filled with smoked fish, they looked like monstrosities and smelled like pig ears for dogs. We saw "De Real Ting" Jamaican cafe next door, which was the original restaurant we went looking for yesterday, so we went inside and got some meat pies and pineapple sodas. The food was pretty good, and it was a much nicer place than the first one. We got back to E's place and did some cooking. Made egusi soup with chicken, E did most of the cooking (including preparing and adding in one of those nasty-looking smoked fish) and it turned out well. I made the eba (like cassava grits) for the first time and it was ok.

Sunday morning, around 3am, we got into another argument/discussion/whatever about how he wants to get married but doesn't want the dogs. I tried again to say we could compromise by just having them outside, and since he doesn't think his yard is big enough we could buy a new house together, one with a big enough yard. He replied that he didn't want to rule his life by having to think about dogs, that he wanted to marry me and not marry me AND dogs. He drifted off to sleep while I laid there awake and thinking. I was feeling uncomfortable because of the argument and I wanted to check on the dogs anyway, so I ended up going home at almost 4am. I went back over to his house about 11am, ended up waking him up, I laid down and we were talking. I asked him if he was angry, and yes he was, about me choosing the dogs over him and about me leaving like I did. I asked him if I would see him again or if this was it, and he said he didn't know. Thinking about it later, he never asked me if I was angry or upset, or anything like that. It was all about him. We got up and made breakfast, had some pleasant conversation. Turned on a movie, he started kissing and touching me, I asked what he was doing. He just grinned.

I don't know if we had make-up sex or good-bye sex. How do you tell the difference? He didn't call last night, but he normally doesn't call Sunday nights. I hate not knowing where I stand, but honestly if this is it, it's probably for the best. Ignoring the dogs issue, really this comes down to him wanting me to go along with what he wants. I was/am willing to try to make him happy, but my dogs are my line in the sand. Apparently, he's not willing to go very far to make me happy. Actually, I don't know if that's true. He just doesn't see what the big deal is. To him, pets are disposable. To me, they are almost family members. That might be a cultural difference. Regardless, this can't last unless he bends a little. Still hurts though.

Over the weekend, I can't remember which day, E wrote me a short "love letter" in Yoruba, helped me pronounce and figure out what it said, then helped me reply to the letter. It was really sweet and actually that is part of what makes this hurt right now. ("Iyawo mi owon, mo ni ife re... Oko mi owon, mo ni ife re.")

Many cultures consider a Friday that falls on the 13th of the month to be bad luck, America included, even if it's a half-hearted superstition. I personally do not. In fact, when Joe and I got married, I picked Friday September 13th as "D-Day." Was I trying to tempt fate? Maybe. I don't know, but it worked out pretty well for us, despite the fact that our marriage ended about 50 years too early due to Joe dying. Now that I think about it, he died the Tuesday night/Wednesday morning FOLLOWING a Friday the 13th. Weird. Maybe something good will happen today, hopefully something besides that marriage proposal from E, which technically happened in the wee hours of this morning. It's noonish now, we'll see what the day brings.

He came in town last night (surprise, surprise - called me at 11:30pm, I ended up going over there about 1:00am.) We were talking about other things and he said something like, when will you marry me? I was shocked. I kind of laughed and shrugged my shoulders. He said, oh you don't know? Then he joked if I won't marry him, do I know where he can find a wife? Wal-mart? LOL. A few minutes later he said he wanted us to run away somewhere and get married. I asked him what happens after that? He says then we live happily ever after. He says I have no idea how much he's into me. I asked him where we'd live, and he says anywhere, that he'd live in a cave as long as we're together. So along those lines, I asked him if we could live somewhere with a big yard (alluding to the on-going issue with my dogs - he doesn't want them, I do) and he said sure as long as it's just the 2 of us (no dogs). I told him that's why I think he's not serious and changed the subject.

He honestly thinks I'm going to simply give up the dogs. He has no idea how stubborn I can be.

Later on we had the lights off and were trying to fall asleep and I asked him, was he serious earlier? He said yes. I asked him did he love me? He said, I love you. Then he said don't my actions show it? Actions speak louder than words. I asked him why he loved me, since there's so many things he doesn't like or doesn't agree with? He says he just likes/loves me for me.

Quiz is here: http://www.venus-on-top.com/Take-the-Quiz-star-woman.html

I'm an Earth Mother. I scored a 1. Yes, ONE. Here's what an Earth Mother is:

For the Earth Mother woman, giving is as natural and easy as breathing. It is her nature to give. She loves doing for others, especially her husband and children. She's the one who brings the most delicious casserole to the potluck. She's quick with a hug for a crying child. She notices if you're feeling down and tries to cheer you up. She loves being a mother and strives to be the best mother she can be. She finds great satisfaction in selflessly serving and helping other people, and usually require that a great deal of fuss not be made over her contributions. The power and leadership abilities of the Earth Mother are directed towards others, especially in service to her immediate family. Thank goodness that a great majority of women are strong Earth Mothers. We need the nurturing, sustaining energy these women bring to the world. They are the ones who grow, attend to and care for the people and environment around them, for their families and their communities.

Sounds great, right? Here's the "con" side of being an Earth Mother:

Because Earth Mothers often have trouble saying “no” to others and tend to be people pleasers, you may find yourself easy prey for domineering men. Work on finding your inner center of power so you will have the emotional strength to make sure your needs and opinions are taken seriously.

Which are you?

(Image taken from www.sacredgardengallery.com)

I watched a documentary called "Darfur Now" last night. It featured stories of 6 people involved in the Darfur crisis - an actor/activist, a prosecutor for the International Criminal Court, someone from the World Food program, an ordinary guy turned activist for "divesting in Sudan," a chief in one of the refugee camps, and a woman rebel fighter. It was incredibly moving, really interesting, and of course really sad. There's a point toward the end of the film where a Sudanese woman basically says, "when the white people come, all will be better." That is sad on so many levels.

I've always been interested in the world outside of my bubble, but I really haven't done anything about it. I want to change that. I want to educate myself and maybe try to make some sort of a small difference, even if it's for one person. Not just in Darfur, but all over the world. We Americans forget there is so much suffering going on. We have it so good, that we can't even imagine what it must be like to have your child ripped from your arms, to be raped and beaten regularly, to watch your family starve, to walk miles for clean water.

Please join me in trying to do SOMETHING. It doesn't have to involve an overseas trip to a war-torn region. It could be helping someone in your own town. But go outside your protective bubble.

Some information about Darfur:
www.enoughproject.org
www.solarcookerproject.org
www.t-mac.com

Please post any other resources in the comments section if you have something to add.

There was another quote in the film, Don Cheadle said (going by memory, sorry if not exact), "The time for words is over, the time for action is now."

I dreamed (dreamt?) of my Granny the other night. I don't remember all of it, but what I do remember is we were hugging each other, and she had just the biggest smile on her face. Her smile was beautiful. SHE was beautiful. I think this may have been the first dream of her since she died back in 2003. If not the first, maybe the second. I talked about her to E this past weekend, remembering the way she used to peel apples for stollen (German dessert), wasting nothing. Maybe that stirred something up? I wonder if I'll have to wait that long for another dream of Joe? The only dream I've had of him was disturbing to say the least. I'd like to say I've been anxiously waiting for him to come to me in my dreams but honestly, I'm not expecting it. Besides if the next dream will be as bad as the first, I'd rather not have any at all, and stick with my memories.

The tide recedes but leaves behind bright seashells on the sand
The sun goes down but gentle warmth still lingers on the land
The music stops and yet it echoes on in sweet refrains
For every joy that passes something beautiful remains

I actually found this in a Signals catalog. It didn't list who the author is, but I think it's beautiful.

This weekend I'm going to E's place down south, and I'm feeling a little uneasy about it. I have to board the dogs in a new kennel since the usual place is full and I'm worried about that. Then I have to drive for 2-3 hours to get to E's place. Then I'll actually be showering and getting ready at his place, potentially in front of him, and I don't know if I'm really comfortable with that. Funny, huh? He's seen me naked but I don't want him to see all the nitty gritty stuff that goes into making me "beautiful" (or less blah anyway.) He's really excited though, I could almost hear him jumping up and down for joy when I told him I would come, LOL. Maybe this will buy me some time before he starts guilting me for not inviting him to my house.

Yesterday afternoon I'm driving on I-295 (busy highway) and get on the 5 lane wide off-ramp. I'm in the right lane. All of a sudden the lady in front of me slams on her breaks and opens her door yelling and waving her arms. I look in my side mirror and see this tiny black lump in the middle lane. It's a kitten! We both run back there to get it. Thank God the cars stopped, it's the middle of rush hour and that off ramp is ALWAYS really busy. There must have been 20 cars that rolled over the kitten without hitting it. So I grab the kitten and jump back in my truck. It's tiny! Like 6 weeks old, filthy and skin and bones. It keeps trying to run away from me in the truck. I think someone must have thrown it out their window because I don't see how it would have made it to the center lane unscathed. Plus there's nothing much around there where it would have been living.

I get it checked out at my vet (I was on my way to get my dogs anyway), it's fine, just needs a bath and food, got both at my house. Still trying to run away from me but apparently thinks my dog is Mommy because kitten keeps running TO her and trying to nurse, LOL. Dog doesn't appreciate it very much.

Luckily I think I found someone to take it this afternoon, because the longer I have it the more attached I'm going to be and I already have 6 cats. But it's soooo cute!


P.S. There's a big cat at the vet named "Tater" and this kitten is like a miniature of that cat, so it's been dubbed "Tater Tot" by the vet staff, LOL.

Pope John Paul II had a passion, a zest, an affection that came through the TV set. I became Catholic in large part to him, though I'm still a work in progress. I can only hope to live up to the example he set for us all.

Just because I like this song...

Shit. Despite the red flags and issues between me and E, I've still felt it. I've felt like I wanted to say it for a while but it finally came out on Saturday night. He surprised me by coming in town, after I thought he wasn't, even though he needed to fix things at his house. Those "3 little words" came following another "argument without the actual arguing" (if you can understand that) and I said, I feel like I love you, but I worry about all the other stuff. He sat up and kissed me and said I love you too. It's not like the head-over-heels, ready to dedicate my life to you type of love, but there is a definite affection, so I'll call it love. We went to sleep soon after that and haven't mentioned it or said it again since.

Did I post that he wants to come to my house? I can't remember if that happened this weekend or last (probably this weekend) but I said no, I'm not ready for that plus my in-laws might find out (lame excuses.) I need to get my house ready for "inspection" and SOON.