No promise for tomorrow

Honestly. I was a little sensitive, maybe a little emotional, in the week or so leading up to the day (which was Friday July 18) but for the actual day I was fine. No one in my family called me, which I'm a little disappointed about, but I guess either they forgot or they didn't want to upset me. I went to work, spent the evening with E, and did OK. I'm glad I've made it through the year and I'm so grateful to my widow friends for helping me through this. I couldn't have done it without them.

I think she's beautiful, and I love seeing a bigger girl work her body like she does. BEAUTY COMES IN ALL SIZES!!!

I love my brother. Deep (waaaay deep) down inside, he's a nice person. Unfortunately on the surface, most of the time he's a jerk. He only acts this way toward me, my mom, and my sister. To outsiders he's always the perfect mannerly Southern "good ol' boy" meets computer nerd. To us, he's loud, hurtful, disrespectful, threatening, border-line abusive. He has anger issues I know, probably from our absent father, my mother's mental illness the last 10 years, and who knows what else. So many times he has crossed the line, so many times he's deserved to be kicked out of my mom's house (he's 22, not a little kid) and yet excuses are made for his behavior, we tiptoe around him, hoping for a "good" day, where he actually smiles and makes friendly jokes.

I am sick of it. I'm sick of watching it, and I'm sick of the way he acts toward me. I won't go into the whole long story (this post is long and whiney enough) but he has been very hurtful to me over the last week, and I think I'm even more sensitive because Joe's 1-year is coming up. I wanted my mom to tell him it wasn't right, it wasn't acceptable. She made a half-hearted attempt ("Don't be like that...") I wanted my sister to be pissed off for me. Instead, she acts like everything is fine, goes out of her way to do favors for him, etc. I confronted her about it, she says "Just because you're mad doesn't mean I have to be."

I'm not saying I'm perfect (I know I'm not), but I'm a pretty good kid. I am respectful toward my mom, I help her when I can, clean up after myself when I'm visiting, take her to lunch, etc. I'm the same way to my sister. Why can't they be on MY side?

I was thinking this morning, I bet Joe would have been on my side. But actually, he's made excuses for my brother before ("He has anger issues, didn't have a father, etc.") so I really don't know how he would have seen it. I feel guilty for even taking up cyberspace with me whining about it, but I just want to stomp my foot and say

IT'S NOT FAIR!!!

Just some re-affirmations...

I am still young.
I have plenty of time to have children.
I don't need to settle.
People have babies through their 40's.
Adoption is an option at almost any age.
I am still young.

Plenty of time...right?

My bio clock and my baby-cravings have been in overdrive for only about 10 years or so, you'd think I should be used to this. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. I always thought I'd have at least 2 kids by now, and pregnant with the 3rd.

This story is set in the 20 or so years leading up to the apartheid time in South Africa. It was written from the perspective of a little (white) girl, devotes a lot of attention to her relationship with the family's helper and the helper's daughter. I don't want to give away too much, but it was pretty sad. Not my favorite, but I'm not sure that I can really articulate the reason.

Amazon review and purchase info

I don't know what I'm going to do about my relationships with others, but I know I need to do something about me. I've been neglecting myself. I have not accomplished anything in my house since Joe died - actually it's become even messier because I don't "have" to pick up things to help him out, or make room for his medical stuff, or whatever. I'm not doing nearly enough fun stuff. I'm still afraid and anxious to go places by myself. I've been spending so much time with E, I haven't been to Mass in like 2 months! That is NOT good, and there is no excuse. So, here's my plan...

1) Start by going back to Mass, every week, no matter where I am or who is in town. This is my obligation and I feel better afterwards. I need to do this for God and for me.

2) Do some work in my house every evening. It doesn't have to be a lot, but I should at least make a little effort. Hopefully this will get the mess under control soon.

3) Start making my house a HOME. Right now it's ugly and depressing. I love bright, vibrant colors and I am itching to do some painting. I have some great ideas for my bedroom, so I need to start working on that. I have to stare at those 4 walls for an average of 8 hours a day, I may as well like what I'm looking at.

4) Pamper myself a little more. Not necessarily spend money (I'm doing plenty of that unfortunately) but take the extra 5 minutes and actually USE that philosophy face moisturizer and the special organic body scrub. I buy things with good intentions then don't follow through. I used to get a pedicure every 2 weeks and that made me feel so pretty. I want to get back to doing that.

5) Make more of an effort to connect with old friends and new. I am horrible about making regular phone calls and sending birthday cards, so I need to put them on my calendar and do it as much as possible. I've also joined a few "Meet Up" groups in my city. Right now I've got a French language group, a women's social group, and some others. I should actually go to the meetings. Damn this social anxiety! But I guess the only way to get over it is to take it one step at a time.

6) Work on physical health. I have a gym membership, paid up for a year. I need to use it. I need to change my eating habits, they are horrible. Even a little change would be helpful at this point.

7) Keep blogging. I've been really surprised how therapeutic this has been, having all my thoughts together. I can't tell you how many times I bought a beautiful journal with the intention of writing every day, but most times I never even cracked it. Typing is so much easier and faster for me. By the way, thank you to everyone who reads my blogs and especially to those who comment. It really helps me a lot.

Umm...I guess this is it. 7 steps is good for now.

E was supposed to go back home (remember he lives in one city during the week, comes to my city on the weekends) Sunday afternoon, but after I broke it off with him, he called into work and stayed in my town an extra night. He called me yesterday morning checking on me, saying he missed me, could we talk? I went over there after work. Stupid, stupid, stupid!!! Then he starts bringing up all these scenarios, what about this, and this, or what if we did this... but the underlying current was still trying to convince me to get rid of my dogs. He talked about how after yesterday he couldn't stop thinking about me, seeing my face everywhere, it was like I'd taken his life away or something. He missed me so much, blah blah blah. I ended up having lunch, dinner and a movie with him yesterday.

Why am I doing this?

It had been like 5 days since I had talked to E, and I assumed it was over.

He called me Friday, around noon. He was all nonchalant, said he was calling to wish me a happy 4th of July. I was shocked but tried not to show it and said thanks, you too, and goodbye. He called again a few hours later, he had some movies, would I like to come over and watch them? I asked him, what is going on? He said we should talk face-to-face about it. I told him I'd have to think about going over there but I really wanted an explanation, so later on I went over there. He said he was really angry at me before, and that if he had spoken to me, it would not have been civil and he needed time to cool down. He asked me about my trip. We spent the evening together. We spent Saturday together. Saturday night, late, I asked him did he really see a future in this, considering all the issues that we are facing (age, religious differences, the dogs - mainly the dogs) and basically he said he still felt the same way, that he would let me make the decision to end this or not, etc.

So this morning, I ended it. We were holding each other, it was so intimate and warm, but I told him that I think we need to part as friends. We both deserve to be happy and pursue something with a future, and neither one of us should have to be unhappy. And that I wasn't just thinking of myself, it's BOTH of us. And that I cared so much for him, and I would like it if we still talked and saw each other once in a while but I would understand if he didn't want that.

So I got up to leave, he sent some food with me (we had cooked the night before), then started pulling other things out of the fridge, some juice, some Jello things (it's a long story) saying that the fun in these things was sharing them with me... It's a little hard to convey the significance of this but wow it just ripped my heart out.

We kissed goodbye several times, he walked me to my car, hugged and kissed again, I told him don't forget me, and he said you too. Then we waved goodbye and I drove off.

Now I'm sitting at my mom's, just finished telling her what happened, and I'm crying. This just sucks.

I feel so bad. I feel bad because now E is going to be alone again (no family in the area), I feel like I need to take care of him. As insane as I know it is, I feel bad that I didn't compromise enough to make this work.

I do love him, I have a great affection for him, and he's become a regular part of my life, but I knew this was not a healthy relationship to be in, and I knew this was not going anywhere. Somehow it doesn't make this easier though. Ugh....this is really hard.

The first rule of flamenco is: Dame la verdad. Give me truth. (They repeat this a lot in the book.) Pretty good read, about a girl from Texas who has a crazy mom, loses her dad to cancer, develops a dysfunctional friendship with the town "Bad Girl," falls into a love-obsession over someone she only spent a few hours with, and devotes the next 4 years of her life learning flamenco to try to win him. I thought it was well-written, if a little melodramatic at times. Going on the assumption that the author really did her homework, learning the history of Gypsies in Spain and the flamenco culture was fascinating. I may or may not read it again but I think I'll hang onto the book.

Amazon review and purchase info

I think he's dumped me. I wasn't sure how I felt about it at first, but now I think I'm glad. Now I don't have to be the bad guy.

He didn't want me to go out of town to Pennsylvania.

He tried to invite himself along but I said maybe next time.

We talked 3 or 4 times on Friday (day of my trip, before and after my 2 flights) for about 30 minutes total. On a normal day we only talk for about 5-10 minutes, before bed. I thought that was good enough, but he was upset that I didn't call him before bed.

He thought several innocent things were suspicious and gave me a bunch of attitude about them while I was on my trip, even though I made an effort to talk to him at least once a day.

Saturday night was the last time I talked to him.

Sunday night I got an email notification that he cancelled my flight vouchers (he gets free flights and can enroll family and friends).

I've called probably 30 times on 2 different numbers, left at least 5 messages, and no reply.

This is the guy that if I don't pick up when he calls, he'll call and call and call and leave perturbed messages until I do talk to him. I was worried at first he might be sick or dead or something, but I see he got online last night on POF, so I guess he's not dead.

So, I guess that's it. It's for the best but still feels weird. I can't believe he won't at least email me to say it's over. This is also the guy who said he loves me, wants to get married right away, wants to have a baby right away, etc.

Oh well.