No promise for tomorrow

Last night I had my first math class. I was so nervous! Turns out my sister has her math class the same night and only 2 doors down, so we drove together, then waited together before class started. My professor seems really nice so far. I will estimate that probably 50% of the material I remember from high school. 30% or so seems familiar, leaving about 20% that I have/had no idea about. But hopefully I will do well. Calculators aren't allowed in this class, which I'm kind of glad about. I hate those complicated formulas you have to use the calculators for.

Anyway, he gave us lots of homework to do, but we have a week to do it. I'm feeling better about it now, and just want to get through it and move on.

In case there was any doubt, I know for sure I will NOT be a math major! :P

I forgot to blog about the sad little dog I found this past weekend. I was on my way to my mom's house, and I see this small black dog walking toward my truck. I stop, and it keeps walking toward me. I get out and call it over. It is a VERY sad dog, really bad shape. I could see every bone in its body, it was missing half its hair, it smelled really bad from skin infections, and it was having some trouble walking, I think due to muscle wasting in its hips/back legs. This dog had either been a stray for a long time, or somebody was not taking care of it. Surprisingly it let me pick it up and put it in the back seat of my truck. Doggie got some food and water at my mom's. I tried to get her to let it stay there but she said no. I called my old vet buddies, no one could or would take it. I wanted so badly to take it home and get it fat and healthy. I took it to the vet where I used to work, we scanned it for microchips (it had none) and the vet said we should euthanize it.

That was one of the hardest things I've had to do. I know that if I had taken it to animal control, it would have had to sit in a cage, suffering for several days until they eventually euthanized it. Or my other option was to turn it loose, which I would never do. So I left the room and they did it. It was old, in really bad condition, and had no home. I could not take it home. My dogs might have hurt it, and I have too many animals as it is (I am over the city limit already.) Logically I know I did the best thing for it, the humane thing, but I still cried for this poor dog.

Why do I have to be the one that always finds the strays or sick ones? I know I am not the only person to have seen this dog. Why can't other people step up and take some responsibility for this mess that we humans have created? This mess being the overpopulation of dogs and cats and the massive numbers either stray or being abused? That poor dog...it was so sweet. I don't even know if it was male or female. It's not fair to them.

I know I have another of these coming soon. There is a stray cat hanging around my house lately. I can't get close yet but I can see it's thin, missing an eye, and very rough-looking. If I can catch it, I'll get it checked out and helped if possible, but I know it will probably need to be euthanized as well.

I just feel like shit for doing it to that poor dog.

Last night I ended up deleting over 1,000 old email messages. There were a bunch from my old work (toxic environment x 10!), old boyfriends, "friends" that have disappeared on me, and as I re-read the emails, it brought all those bad feelings back up. I could actually feel my shoulders getting tight with the remembered stress. So, now they're gone. It's amazing how much lighter I feel. I don't know why I was holding on to them. I still have more that I need to delete but I'm just not ready. One day I'll get there.

Now if only I could do this purging with my physical stuff (boxes, papers, junk) around my house, I'd be set. :)

Read article here: US Food Aid Hurts

It makes sense to me. Interesting though. I thought food aid would be only food directly distributed to those who were hungry. This article seems to indicate that this food is only going to be sold in the local systems. Thoughts?

I dreamed I was getting re-married and Joe showed up. I think it was him. He looked thinner and taller in this dream, but it was supposed to be him. I was the only one acting really shocked to see him. I was frantic, didn't know if I should call the whole thing off or consider him just another guest. It was a horrible feeling. Oh, and for some reason there were gymnasts dancing around with those long ribbons, twirling and doing their floor routines to George Michael. I think that part came from a discussion on the widda board. But I wonder what the rest means, or if it's just a product of my late-night cheeseburger.

Stormy seas of life attempt
To bash and break with vile contempt
They know not their time will come
When gentle wind and smiling sun
Will show their faces yet again
And guide to home my weathered friend

---Untitled, 2008

The friend and E had a few more emails exchanged.

I sent E an email saying I was done, I was hurt, I deserved better. He wrote back saying I was the one acting suspiciously, probably cheating on him but he had never cheated on me, he knew I looked in his phone, he knew the emails from the friend weren't real, etc. Over the course of a few emails he now has me feeling like I'm the one who was crazy, just psycho really, and I messed up a good thing.

I do have good friends telling me that I'm not crazy, this is just the type of thing he would say. I want to believe that. I'm not so sure though. I don't like my actions here. I don't like that I snooped in his phone, I don't like that I orchestrated a "sting" setting him up, whether he deserved it or not. I FEEL crazy. I don't like feeling that way. So regardless of whether he really was cheating on me or not, obviously this relationship is not good for ME.

It's so hard though. In crying sessions with friends, I think I have worked out some of the motivators behind me being crazy and so sad. E is the only man besides Joe to tell me he loves me. He's very smart and challenges me mentally. He's been very affectionate, passionate, attentive, the sex has been great, and I have been starved for that. Another contributor is I've just passed my 1-year anniversary since Joe died. Another is - I think I was pregnant. I had a faint positive test but didn't go to the doctor yet. I didn't say anything to anyone, I wanted to wait until I was sure. As of yesterday, I'm either not pregnant or it's an early miscarriage.

I need to remind myself of why he's not a good fit for me.

- He's older than what I want. 24 year age differences may work out sometimes, but honestly I want a husband that will be around longer and be a younger dad.
- He's very particular about cleaning, everything has to be perfect (or "his" perfect) and let's face it, I'm more of a "free spirit" when it comes to housework.
- He doesn't want my pets. He wasn't upfront with me at first about how much he didn't want them. He led me on by saying he'd be OK with a decreased number or them being outside. Also false promises of "one day we'll have lots of land, blah blah blah." Well, the proof is in the pudding. He owns a house with an acre of land, currently rents it but could move there if it was that important to him.
- He doesn't like me meeting up with friends without him. I didn't realize how much of a suspicious person he is until these recent emails.
- He wants me to agree with all of his opinions. I know a lot of people have said he is controlling and manipulative. I haven't made up my mind about that yet, but I do know he tries to change my pets, my political views, my opinions on social issues, my food preferences, etc. While I may be weird in some aspects, I don't want to change everything about myself. Then I wouldn't be "me."

I may add more later.

Thanks for reading, and for your support.

I'm still feeling really bad right now. I feel like my guts have been ripped out of me. Last night I had that weird numb and at the same time unbearably sad feeling, similar to grief about Joe but different. I keep replaying our moments in my head - how we spent hours lying in bed watching movies while he stroked my hand, how he would come up behind me while I was cooking or washing dishes and put his arms around me and kiss the back of my neck, how just yesterday he kissed his way up my leg tickling me, how he loved to kiss and blow on my belly (like you do to babies?) and make me laugh hysterically. I told him I had been hurt before like this, how vulnerable and insecure I had been feeling, and he reassured me countless times in the past week or so. I KNEW something was wrong, especially when he wouldn't take his profile down, and then when I found the old text messages...

And you know what my "solution" is to this? To run and try to find another guy on a dating site. This is so typical for me. I don't need another guy right now. I KNOW I need to just "be" to take care of myself, to get back to what I feel is important my religion (which I've been neglecting), my pets, my family. All these things I had been compromising to spend more time with him or to try to placate him.

God I feel so stupid. My widda friends were right. I didn't want to hear it, but you were right. He was manipulating me, trying to control me, wanting to change so many things about me. He tried to change my political/social views, tried to get rid of my pets, tried to convince me that being Catholic wasn't right, so many other things too. He was even starting to buy me clothes and shoes because I guess he didn't like my "style."

How could he bring me around his cousin (his only family in the country), how could he talk about me to her, and she would ask how I was doing, etc?

I posted a while ago about feeling my life slipping away, like I was nothing, and like I had not and would not accomplish anything, like I was an "old maid" who was destined to be a lonely crazy cat lady, well, this has just amplified those feelings about 100x.

I can't stop crying.

I did something else stupid and crazy. I got my friend to make a profile and email E. He says he likes walks on the beach on his profile, so hers says she likes swimming and this is what she wrote to him:

hello, i see you like the beach? do you like swimming as well as walking there? lol

and E writes back to her:

Yes, I do like the beach, and taking a walk there with you would be wonderful. I also have a pool at my house, so when do we start getting into that water? :-)

I liked you instantly when I saw your profile. Any chance you might want to get a bite with me this weekend at Buca di Beppo, by Southside and Phillips? It's the best Italian restaurant chain I've seen anywhere.

Since you like to cook, and I enjoy cooking a few ethnic dishes myself (--I'm curious about food from various cultures), we might cook something together some day before a little splash in the pool. How does that sound?

I can't wait to see you and look into that beautiful smiling face of yours!

This is similar to what he wrote me in the beginning. I think I'm going to throw up.

I feel so stupid and used. We just slept together this afternoon! We cooked dinner last night several other weekends previous, and we've laughed about our botched attempts, and praised each other when it turned out well. When we were together, it just felt so comfortable, so right, so close...how can he tell me he loves me and he wants to get married and have babies and then do this? How can he lie to me like that? I had told him that I had dinner plans this Saturday (widow meet-up) so I'm sure that's why he picked this weekend to offer to meet her. He told her likes cooking various ethnic dishes (something WE do together) and wants to take her to a specific Italian restaurant here - where he took ME.

I don't understand it. How can you have such a bond with a person then turn around and lie your ass off? How can you proclaim they are the ONE when you're trying to date other people? How many times did he tell me he wasn't talking to anyone on there, that cheating wasn't "his style"?!??!!

God I feel so used. I shouldn't be surprised. What did I expect to happen when I had her email him. I feel so betrayed. Like the past 4 months have been such a complete and utter LIE!

I blew off family stuff for him! Because he was going to be fucking lonely! I was considering letting a relative take 1 of my dogs so there would only be 2, because that's what he wanted.

He told me this past week he had a dream of me shopping for baby things and didn't I want to do that? And then he purposely took me by the baby aisles at Wal-mart to make me look at stuff, even though he knows how badly I've wanted kids and how it hurts.

You know what I think one of the worst parts of this is? He made me feel so beautiful and special...I felt so sexy and WANTED with him. Now I know that's a lie. I was nothing special. If I was so beautiful he wouldn't be cheating or emailing. I was a piece of ass. And a cheap one too. I always felt bad about him paying for things, so I'd try my hardest and sneak one in there once in a while.

I SEWED A FUCKING BUTTON ON HIS PANTS FOR HIM!!!!!!!!

I did something really bad. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I snooped on E's cell phone. I don't know if it "means" something or not. I found texts from this one woman (also on POF, I found her profile) going back to around the time E and I starting talking. The oldest texts say stuff like "why won't you call me? I miss you", etc. Then go to "I promise I will treat our relationship like a delicate flower, I'm sorry I made you doubt me", etc. Then the latest one from the end of June says "can we just be friends? I think we should just be friends." There were no sent texts. So, just from those texts, I would think that she's some crazy "B" that just wouldn't stop texting him. But then I checked the latest calls he made and it says he called her Thursday night around 9:30pm, and then in received calls she called him back about 12:30am. I didn't see how long they talked. My first inclination (evidence of my problem of making excuses maybe) is that maybe he called her to say stop calling him. But what if it's more than that?

I can't even confront him on it because if it is innocent he'll be pissed (rightfully) that I snooped.

He does spend a lot of time with me. He doesn't make mysterious phonecalls on the weekends. He hardly leaves my side. We are doing lots of stuff around town, so it's not like we're hiding in his house or something.

But...

I still can't believe he won't take his profile down. I ended up deleting mine after I put it back up, because I felt like this isn't right. I hate feeling crazy like this.

I have a lot of thinking to do (I know you all are saying "No thinking, just dumping" LOL) but this allure of intimacy is really hard to overcome. And I don't want to throw something away over my unfounded suspicions.

We met on POF. After we became exclusive, I changed my profile to say "not single, not looking" and deleted my picture and all my personal info. A month or 2 ago, I hid my profile. So I had done everything except deleting my account, which I couldn't figure out how to do yet.

He's kept his the same, and I see he logs on maybe once a week or so. Last night I asked him, what do you think about us deleting our POF accounts? He said things like he doesn't talk to anyone on there, he mainly logs in to see if I've been there, it's not his style to cheat on someone, he wouldn't have time anyway, etc etc. Oh and that he hasn't asked me to take down my MySpace account. I told him it's not a dating site and anyway I have on my account that I'm not single. I told him that I have seen with a past relationship when someone kept their dating profile and kept logging on and later I found out they were talking with other women while seeing me, and how it was hurtful. He said you just have to trust, and that if he was chasing me around all over the internet stressing about it he would be very unhappy. I told him the more I think about it, the more it bothers me.

Then I did the possibly immature thing of putting my profile back up.

This is just frustrating. I really like to give people the benefit of doubt and not judge too hastily, but I'm thinking this may be yet another example of Sari excusing a man's bad behavior. I have a history of doing that. Things like this just make me doubt his sincerity.

Kristen and I were part of a small group of good friends in 6th through 8th grades. After 8th, she went to the Performing Arts high school (I went to the regular local one) so we only saw each other a few more times. I haven't talked to her in more than 10 years but I have thought of her often.

Anyway, I found her on MySpace. I haven't gotten the whole story from her yet, but apparently she's been doing well for herself. I'm happy for her but it brings up feelings of my own inadequacy, like I've wasted my life up until this point. She's living in New York City right now, I guess acting. Before that she was in London, I read something about her attended the Royal Academy for the Dramatic Arts? I think that's the name of it. She has tons of pictures of her, her friends, partying, the big cities, etc.

I think about what I'm going to tell her I've been up to. Let's see, attempted and withdrew from college 3 times. Kicked out of my mom's house, went to live with my dad, dealt with evil aunt. Quit numerous jobs because I "felt like it." Did get to live in 2 other cities (Baltimore and Atlanta) but only because my husband got jobs there. No kids. Too many pets. Live in a bad neighborhood now in a run-down house. Kansas is the furthest west I've gotten, much less actually leaving the country. I have no glamourous pictures of my fabulous friends in fabulous cities doing fabulous things. Ugh...jealousy is an ugly thing, isn't it?

So that got me thinking...what have I actually accomplished since high school? What "good" can I claim?

- I worked with animals for almost 10 years (that's including high school actually), cared for them the best I could. I gained a lot of medical knowledge that still benefits me. I hand-raised several litters of kittens and puppies from birth.
- I DID experience life in 2 other cities.
- I had the love of a good man (even if our marriage wasn't perfect) and I was able to help him during his illnesses. I was fortunate to find I love his family as much as my own.
- I survived his death.
- I am working on identifying what will make me happy in a career.
- I have come in contact with people of several cultures, and have picked up small bits of 6 languages.

Maybe I should use these feelings to push myself more. When I feel overwhelmed or stupid at my college classes this fall, I need to remember they are a stepping stone to where I want to be.

First, the weird dream. It was about my Granny again (reminder, she died in 2003), this time she was cooking and cleaning in the kitchen, I think I was helping. She was sort of stumbling around, walking stiffly and once or twice I thought she might fall. I'm glad that I'm seeing her in my dreams but wondering why. Last time I dreamed of her, I had talked about her to E, so I figured that conjured something up in my sub-conscious. This time, I hadn't talked about her for a while. Why is it taking 5 years or so before I get dreams of her? Will it take that long for Joe to come to me?

-----------------------------

Now, the weird conversation. With E, of course. I was talking on the phone with him last night and he asked me if I have been shopping for baby things. Um, no. Why would I? He said, oh, I had a dream that you needed to, so I thought maybe you should be in real life. Don't you want to? I laugh and say not until we get the dogs thing worked out. Then I ask him what would he do if I was pregnant but refused to move to him without my dogs. He said he would think I was crazy. We talked for a few more minutes along these lines and I said something like I wouldn't want to end up resenting him for me making a decision like that (re-homing my pets) under duress (him refusing to accept them). I guess it's a good reminder to make sure I don't get pregnant.

School and I have a complicated history.

I did really, really well in school when I was a kid. Went away for university, ended up withdrawing my first semester because of a combination of homesickness and, I don't know, lack of motivation?

Came back to town, enrolled in community college, withdrew again because of lack of motivation/not caring.

One month after Joe died, I enrolled in community college again, online classes this time, withdrew within 2 weeks. I was overwhelmed, confused, felt stupid, and again the lack of motivation/not caring.

So here I am again, attempt #4. I registered for my classes yesterday. Two classes, in person not online. Math starts 8/25, one day a week. English starts 9/22, also one day a week. I'm hoping that by spacing them out I'll be less overwhelmed.

Please, please cross your fingers and say a prayer that I get myself together enough to show up to class and do well. I have major anxiety about showing up someplace new, not knowing anyone, worrying the teacher will make us speak or go to the board in front of the whole class - like it seriously freaks me out, it's that social anxiety I guess. I really NEED to get these done. I need to get a degree ASAP. My college attempts are actually a joke in my family.

Excerpts that I particularly like or identify with:

"...I am a woman and proud to be one. I do not envy men even when I feel that they are being favored over women; I seek fairness, equal opportunities and respectful treatment, but I do not wish to be a man. I am totally woman..."

"...I am a woman who cherishes her feminine gender, her physical endowments, her emotional wiring, her competence and her thinking capacity..."

"...I am awed at what my body can do. Its ability to become the cocoon within which another human being grows until birth is an amazing thing. I would not trade my womanhood for anything. I respect and honor men for who they are as I expect to be respected for who I am..."

"...I am concerned about the future of our people and of the world. We as women are the mothers who nurture both male and female children. We are responsible in many ways for the making of our world. The time is always right for us to take a look within, to find healing, to re-assess and re-organize our priorities so that we can be worthwhile of our important role as the mothers of the universe..."

Written by Enitan Doherty-Mason
Full article located here - CLICK TO LINK

Whoa, I can't believe it's been like 2 weeks since I last posted on here. Not a whole lot has been going on, but here's the latest:

- My truck wouldn't start one morning, had to get it towed and it needed a new battery. While it was there of course the dealership found more things that needed to be done, such as 30,000 mile service, brake fluid changed, fuel injectors cleaned or something like that, etc. I could get all that taken care of for around $800. Yeah, right.

- I got a haircut. It was way overdue and catching sight of myself in one of those 3 angle mirrors really pushed me to go. I brought a picture of what I wanted. The guy says, "OK, so long layers and about at the shoulders?" I say yes to long layers but past the shoulders so I can pin it up. Well, I got the long layers part, but it's above my shoulders. Good thing it will grow. I like it a little more each day though, despite having to use about a million clips to pin it up. Anything would be an improvement over what I had.

- E and I are doing well. He asked me several days ago, when am I going to come to him permanently? I told him when he tells me the dogs are welcome. I suggested again him letting me "rent" his rental unit (like a guest house in the back) to keep the dogs. It would be "temporary" anyway since he wants to sell the house when the market turns around. He said he'd think about it, but I'm not holding my breath. We saw each other this weekend, it had been 2 weeks since we were last together and we were both going crazy about it. It's very hard being apart. This weekend we did some exploring, we went to Neptune Beach to find an organic farmer's market (smaller than expected, definite hippie crowd, but very cool) and bought a few things. We also tried a new restaurant, this 2 story outdoors cafe 2 blocks from the beach. The food wasn't that great but it was something new. We also browsed a Bali import store, and I have my eye on several things in there. We had a good time.

- Work is the same. I'm here, they pay me. That's pretty much all there is to it, LOL. It's a job.

- I'm still not really talking to my brother. Hopefully not for too much longer but I'm not bending over backwards anymore either.

- I'm feeling a little more positive about my future. I really, really hope that E and I work out and we get married. My number 1 goal for my life right now is to get married again and have children, as soon as possible (not rushing, not settling, but I don't want to wait forever either) but if that doesn't work out right away, I'm starting to become more hopeful about school. I'm getting excited about the idea that after I get my AA (still a long ways away) I think I could go wherever I want to get my Bachelors. I could move to a completely new city if I wanted. I could have some fabulous career someday if I wanted. The thing is, I can do whatever I want in that respect. I don't look around my sad house and think, I'm going to be here the rest of my life, alone, a crazy cat lady. I'm seeing this is more of a stepping stone to what I really want out of life.

- I had a really cool idea for an art project but I don't want to go into too many details right now. I've been trying to come up with a way to express myself creatively, but in an original way, and I think I have it. I need to plan a little more, as it will involve some expense, and time and space, and I will need help from a "model."

- After reading about Tanja's and someone else's water heater busting, I'm terrified mine is going to do the same thing. It's old, rusty and sitting directly on the floor in my laundry room/garage. I'm renting from my uncle and my house is no where ready for an "inspection" so I'm desperately trying to get things cleaned up in case I need to call him. There's actually other repairs that need to be done anyway, but I'm hoping to get it looking good before there's an emergency. Cross your fingers for me, please!