No promise for tomorrow

...was last night, and wow was I tired from the wedding.

We got our essays back. My professor said she was impressed I was able to write about such a painful topic. She offered some suggestions (more development, she says it so often, it should be her motto) but said it was good. So, I'm glad. :)

We had a 4-question quiz in class. I missed one of the questions. Prof. says that question was a little difficult, it was a close call between two of the choices. It's really not a big deal, but I feel disappointment that I missed it, and that ol' OCD anxiety about not having a "perfect" grade. I had better get used to that, huh? LOL

We had another in-class essay, this time a "descriptive narrative" on an important point in our life. I hate writing about generic, boring topics like these. They are supposed to be easy, but they're not for some reason. After thinking for nearly 20 minutes, I finally chose the day I bought my first car. Between being tired and feeling less than excited about the topic, I don't think it's my best work. Oh well.

On another note, I'm going to explore the possibility of CLEP-ing out of some classes. I'm hoping I'll do well enough to skip at least 3 or 4 classes. I'll update when I find out more information about the process.

Yes, it really was like "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." It was also like something straight out of "The Sopranos." What else was it? Loud, long, extravagant, crowded, crazy, and fun!

First, let's talk about fashion. I was planning on wearing one of the dresses I posted about earlier. At the last minute I decided I just didn't feel comfortable or confident in either choice, so I chose black pants and a nice light sweater - a very nice outfit for a typical American afternoon wedding. Well, apparently my old prom dress would have been more appropriate. I've never seen more sequins, sparkles, leopard print, or hooker shoes in one place, LOL. Those ladies know how to dress up! Some of the dresses might not be to my taste, but the time and effort they put into yesterday - wow! Regular guests, not just the wedding party, obviously had their hair and nails done that day. My two aunts and I looked at each other and said, we're under-dressed! The men looked like "wise guys." Dark suits, dark sunglasses, slicked back hair, pinky rings galore.

Next, the ceremony. We were apparently running on Albanian time, because they were still setting up the church at 3:10 (wedding was supposed to start at 3:00.) The service was in Albanian, was blessedly short, and no kneeling! I was surprised since it was a Catholic ceremony. I don't think the bride and groom kissed. There wasn't much smiling, but I was told this is normal.

Finally, the reception. The hall was beautifully decorated. Huge swags of fabric hung from the chandeliers. There were flowers everywhere. The tables had plates of food waiting for us, just appetizers. There were cold cut meats and cheeses, marinated green tomatoes, marinated peppers and onions, bread, the most delicious dark purple grapes I've ever had, and strawberries. The second course was (I thought) the best - tomatoes and cucumbers, feta cheese, olives, roast beef, some sort of seasoned sour cream dip/sauce (really good!), and what looked like a country-fried flat meatloaf, but I'm not sure what it was. From my description I was told it might be a kibbeh. The food was very Mediterranean. The music was so loud, but it was fun. Lots of dancing which was great to see. I wanted to yell "Opa!" LOL. I wish I could have danced but I'm not that coordinated. There was a famous Albanian singer they flew over just for the wedding! On every table was a huge bottle of Italian red wine (too sour!) and a bottle of Hennessey cognac. Beer was being pushed by the waiters. Let me tell you, these people know how to par-tay! We had to leave about 5 and 1/2 hours into the wedding, but they still had a few more courses of food to go. We wanted to stay until the cake was cut (as is usually polite) but at the rate everything was going, that would have been midnight!

Do you know how nice it is, to step outside and feel a cool breeze rush across your body? Especially after the endless dragging of months of suffocating, sauna-like weather? We probably have a while before we really get to autumn (in Florida), but it was such a nice treat this morning. I can't wait for summer to be over.

Not only disgusting, but disgusted. With myself. I look in the mirror sometimes and wonder what E (or anyone) sees in me. I have let myself go so horribly. I don't care what I wear, I don't style my hair, I don't wear makeup. I eat fast food almost every day. I'm sick of fast food, but I hate cooking right now, so what are my options? My house is a mess. I don't spend enough time with my dogs. My truck is a mess. I'm not doing my best at work (slacking a lot, like now, blogging when I should be finding something to do.) I need change. I need to feel fresh and uplifted and happy. I'm not sure how to do that but maybe I'll start with no more fast food. I'll try anyway.

I had to hurry home from Charleston this weekend because of my English Comp class starting last night. It was hard to find (my classroom was inside the computer lab) and wasn't clearly marked or mapped out. My professor seems nice, very smiley and friendly, but I can tell her lectures will be boring (maybe just the subject matter.) We had to pair up and interview someone else, and then stand up and introduce them to the class. I HATE public speaking of any kind. I hate standing in front of the class for any reason, so I was seriously thinking of...I don't know...vomiting? LOL I was really nervous but thankfully it's over now. The guy I paired up with was very nice also. I am crossing my fingers she doesn't have us do anything like that ever again, but I guess I shouldn't hold my breath.

We also had to write a 5-paragraph "diagnostic essay" so she can gauge where our skill level is. The topic was a person who's made an impact on our lives. I picked Joe, since he's been the biggest influence. I started getting teary and almost regretted choosing him, but I got through it and hopefully I did a good job. It made me remember how much I enjoyed reading and writing in high school, so I hope I will enjoy this class. We discussed various "pre-writing" approaches, and she mentioned that keeping a journal is a great way to write without fear of feedback, and I defintely agree. I like my blogging, even if it's not perfect form or grammar, and I like feedback from those of you who read, I'm not scared of it because you're not grading me, LOL.

I'm back. It was just a mini-vacation. Friday night I drove up there. I ended up running behind schedule (like always) and left home about 6:15, got up to Charleston around 11pm. I had to drive in the dark, which I hate with a passion. The last hour was not interstate unfortunately. It was mostly a 2-lane road, in the dark, with no gas stations open. I saw deer on the side grazing, which was both cool ("awww...deer") and scary ("please God, don't let them run in front of the truck!") E ended up not going so it was just me and my friend Tanya, which was fine, probably better that way anyway. We had some fun moments.

Fondest memories of the trip include:

- The Ravenel Bridge - that thing is HUGE! We must have driven over it a dozen times because we'd get lost or turned around. It's beautiful and massive.


- Shrimp and grits at Majestic Grill. Looks like a dive inside, but the food was really good. Shrimp, onions, mushrooms sauteed in ancho chili sauce, on top of thick grits....mmmm-mmmm good.

- The damned DASH buses. They are part of the city bus system that runs around the historic downtown part of Charleston. We had to buy tickets on the bus, so I put in a $20, then was told they don't give change (passes are $4), so great. But oh well. Then when we were tired at the end of the long day walking around, we wanted to get a ride back, and the bus drove right past us, wouldn't stop. Jerk.

- All that walking...my feet and legs were SO sore. At least it's good exercise. And I got some pink on my cheeks (I am very fair.)

- We saw a dog get loose from its owner, so while I stayed with our stuff, my friend went chasing after the dog, dodging traffic, back and forth, probably over a mile in total. All this in heels and a skirt! What a woman!

We also toured a historic house (one of the oldest in the city), took a 90-minute bus tour, had really great Italian on Saturday night, and slept like babies in our hotel rooms.

(Disclaimer - these are not my pics - I was lazy and didn't take any.)

Today I found out my COBRA health insurance is good until August 2010. That gives me less than 2 years, but more than I originally thought. I've looked for health insurance on my own, but it's difficult to find given my circumstances. My only hope is that I can get my Associates degree by then and find a job with good benefits that still gives me enough downtime to work on my Bachelors. Or my other option is to find a rich husband. Hmmm...let's focus on school, LOL.

Will I really be able to find a good job with just an AA? Something better than I could get without a degree? Should I be focusing on getting a techical certificate to work in the medical field instead?

I don't know what to do.

(Correction: expires August 2010, giving me less than 2 years)

I'm going to be very selfish in this post, I admit that freely.

Another of my friends is pregnant. I should be happy for her. I guess I AM happy for her, but my own longing overshadows the happiness right now. She and her husband are great people. She had an ectopic pregnancy a few months ago resulting in the removal of one of her ovaries or fallopian tubes (not sure which), and I guess she has been worried she wouldn't be able to get pregnant.

This makes 3 friends that are due in the next 6 months, plus 1 that just had her baby, and these are people in real life, not online. Online is much easier to deal with.

The past several years, I have seen coworker after coworker, friend after friend get pregnant. I watched them have their first and second babies, all while Joe and I (mainly I) desperately wanted to get pregnant. At one point we were thinking about adopting a friend's baby, but she ended up having an abortion. I have been invited to so many baby showers over the years, but eventually I had to stop going. Now I only go if the person is very special to me. Otherwise, it's just not worth the pain.

Maybe it should be easier now that Joe is dead, like DUH, what do I expect, a miracle? But it's not easier. It reminds me of what I don't already have, and what I probably won't have for at least several years, if ever.

My boss just invited me to his sister's (yes, the one who asked me to do her homework) wedding - next weekend! Nothing like last minute, huh? LOL

So I have a little over a week to find a fabulous dress, shoes, purse, and figure out how to do my hair and makeup (not good at either) but hopefully my sister will help with that.

I ordered a dress from IGIGI (Tanja, I saw you got pretty dresses from there), a dress from Kiyonna, and there's another I will try on from Avenue. I wish I could wear black - more slimming - but I think it's a faux pas to wear black to a wedding. It's hard to find good stuff when you are plus-sized. So much of what is out there looks like feed sacks or tents. I also ordered 2 pairs of shoes from Zappos to try on.

This wedding is supposed to have 400 people! And will be a sit down dinner but it's in the afternoon/early evening so I'm hoping it's not formal. I don't do formal. The family doesn't do invitations (Albanian family, I guess it's a tradition to personally invite rather than mail cards) so all I can do is hope I make the right impression.

I'll try to post pics after the wedding, including my dress choice.

I aced my math test tonight! I was really nervous, convinced I would fail it miserably. Apparently the rest of the class didn't do so well but I got all the answers right.

Let's see, what else has been going on?

Yesterday my boss's sister asked me to do her college homework for her. No kidding. To tell you the whole story would take pages and pages. They are basically nice people but not good business owners and just...different I guess. I couldn't believe the sister actually had the nerve to ask me though. That's awfully brazen.

This weekend I'm meeting one of my friends in Charleston, SC to see the historic stuff. I invited E to go along, thought he would jump right on that especially considering how he was about me going to Pennsylvania. At first he said he'd like to go but now says work is too much, it would be too long of a drive, blah blah blah. So I might see him Sunday night, if I'm lucky I guess. Whatever.

My mom's finally started remodeling her house. Monday we ripped out the top kitchen cabinets. She's ordered new cabinets, new granite countertops, etc. The house will be torn apart for probably 2 months, but it will be worth it in the end. She's been wanting to do this for a long time, so I'm happy for her that it's begun. Even if I don't like her design choices, LOL.

Apparently this is a blogger tradition, so...In honor of 100 posts on my blog, here are 100 things you might not know about me. I hope you learn something new about me, and think about doing the same on your blogs. I'd love to know more about each of you.

1) I'm the oldest of 3 kids

2) I can't stand "normal" American restaurants

3) I was living with my husband at 19

4) I was widowed at 26

5) I am of German and Irish heritage

6) I am right-handed

7) My "car" is a truck

8) I currently live with 3 dogs and 6 cats

9) I love to read but don't do it nearly enough

10) I dream of one day having a big house filled with kids

11) I watch movies with the subtitles on (even English movies)

12) My dad is pretty much a deadbeat

13) My mom has a mild form of schizophrenia

14) Sometimes I think my mom is faking, but then I feel bad

15) I haven't been back to the cemetery since my husband's ashes were interred

16) I have 3 tattoos, and I waiver between regretting them and wanting more

17) I regularly read Latina and Essence magazines

18) I wear glasses, but only for driving

19) I buy makeup but never wear it

20) My signature perfume is Hermes Un Jardin Sur Le Nil

21) I worked at a veterinary clinic for almost 10 years

22) I considered being Protestant, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, new-agey/Wiccan before I settled on Catholic.

23) I'm not a very good Catholic, but I hope one day I will be

24) I want to pierce my nose but don't because I'm afraid it will look silly

25) My siblings and I were only allowed to listen to "oldies" music

26) I have never traveled outside of the US, and only as far as about 1200 miles from home

27) I am terrified of flying, but want so badly to travel more

28) I love cold leftovers (pizza, pasta, potatoes, anything)

29) My eyes are blue with brown around the pupil

30) I am terrified of the dentist, but tattoos don't phase me

31) I have a disease/condition called PCOS - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It sounds much scarier than it really is.

32) I am terrible about taking medicine

33) A friend/co-worker of mine was murdered in January 2007

34) I have this strong need to take care of people, but don't take care of myself very well

35) I'm worried I'll die while my house is messy

36) I have always spent more time with my family than with friends

37) I'm a college student, and I think I'll either end up doing international non-profit work, or be a teacher

38) I still have boxes packed from moves over 5 years ago

39) I took German in school and now regret it since I need to learn French

40) I can say a prayer in German, but can't remember much else

41) I used to be obsessed with horses

42) I hate getting dirty. I am very prissy in some ways, and yet I was covered in any number of icky things at the vet's office and loved it

43) I started getting gray hair in my late teens

44) I have never colored my hair, even temporarily

45) I wish I didn't have any pets right now, or maybe just one

46) I am in love with a man who is not good for me

47) I wear a gold and sapphire necklace my husband gave me

48) I miss wearing rings

49) I spend way too much time on the internet

50) I love pedicures

51) I have never had a massage, a facial, or a waxing done professionally

52) I hate having my picture taken but regret not having more pictures

53) I blush very easily

54) I know small amounts of at least 7 languages but am only fluent in English

55) I buy a lot of clothes and end up giving or throwing away about half of them

56) I can be very OCD and organized with some things, and yet my house is a mess

57) I generally don't like "chick flicks" and most comedies

58) I do enjoy indie films, foreign, documentaries, dramas, and some horror

59) At 5'8", I am the shortest person in my family

60) I prefer my steak cooked "medium"

61) My favorite author is Tracy Chevalier

62) I have a herniated disc in my neck

63) I have several scars from chicken pox

64) I am very light-skinned. I never tan, always burn.

65) I have dark brown hair, almost everyone else in my family has blonde.

66) My childhood nickname was "Sarabelle" or another (very embarrassing) one that I won't tell

67) I have to have a fan going while I sleep

68) I get motion sickness fairly easily

69) My husband was Filipino

70) I wear flipflops almost every day

71) I would wear Crocs every day if I could get away with it

72) I have to hold my nose to go underwater when I swim

73) I own a king size bed but most of it is taken up by pets

74) I rarely drink soda, I almost always drink water

75) I prefer Coke over Pepsi

76) I have hand-raised over 30 kittens and puppies. Unfortunately I've kept 5 of them.

77) I tend to mirror other people's accents and patterns of speech

78) I very rarely dream

79) I am not a feminist

80) I wish I could dance - bellydance, flamenco, ballet, tango, etc. - but I am sadly very shy and uncoordinated

81) I was married on a Friday the 13th

82) I was born on a Wednesday

83) I was widowed on a Wednesday

84) I don't like old movies

85) I hardly ever cry

86) I used to be so shy, I couldn't even place a food order

87) I prefer to sleep naked

88) I'd rather be cold than hot

89) I like to chew on ice, especially the "soft" ice at places like Sonic

90) I can type upwards of 50 words per minute

91) I got my typing skills from instant messaging

92) I have a skin graft on my hand

93) I am very self-conscious about my body

94) I hate those shorts with words on the butt ("Juicy" "Cheer")

95) I'm a sucker for a man with a foreign accent

96) I can cook, but can't bake

97) My memory is really bad

98) I have some hearing loss, probably from working with barking dogs

99) I wish I could move now, but hopefully I will after I get my degree

100) I know I am blessed, even considering all the hard times I've been through

A post on the widow board sparked this thought process. In it, the widow remarked how a coworker wanted the old her back.

The fact is, the old me is gone. It died with Joe, and that's OK. I think we lose the old us with every significant life change. For example, the old me died when I got married.

Let me think about the old me. I was tired, depressed, wanted things but wasn't working for them. I was stressed, angry, and losing my patience with those closest to me. I was also more secure in my place as a wife, and of course did not need to impress or attract men. I could talk to any man without much shyness because I didn't care if they were attracted to me or not.

The new me is slightly improved, I think. While I do worry about my future and whether I'll find lasting love and create my own family, I also see hope and excitement. I don't think I am depressed right now, or at least not as much as I was. I am slowly working toward what I want. I am making progress in my house (painfully slow as it is) and taking classes at school. I am not as stressed, not as angry, and am regaining my patience that I'm known for. However, I am back to being shy and self-conscious around men, since now every man I meet is a potential, until I find out more about them (married or not, etc.) I no longer have the status of being a wife. I'm back to being a single woman, which feels like a few rungs lower on the social ladder.

Of course the new me is constantly changing and evolving. What I feel today may or may not be different next week. I hope it only gets better.

Today is my 6th wedding anniversary. About 6 years and 1 week ago, Joe and I had been living together for 2 years, he was starting a new job and the benefits for the new job no longer covered "domestic partners." So we decided to do the deed at city hall and we'd have a "real" wedding later. Friday the 13th (picked on purpose, just to tempt fate I guess) we did it. I hate the way I looked in pictures that day.

My mom had originally said we could have a get together at her house to celebrate. Last minute she changed her mind, but thank God for my 2 aunts. One of them offered her house, and they both bought food and supplies for the party (Joe and I had no money, just barely paid for rings - cheap rings at that.) The next day, Saturday, we had the impromptu party, attended by about 30 of our friends and family. My dad didn't come, neither did Joe's parents. To be fair, we told everyone not to feel obligated since it was last minute and we'd be having another wedding down the road, but it still hurt. Turns out we never got around to another wedding, never had the white dress or the church deal. We had a grocery store cake with very bright icing, but in a wonderful surprise move, my aunts topped it with my Granny's old wedding topper (used about 60 years earlier.) I remember how touched I was. I am also thankful my Granny was alive to see it - I am the only one of her grandchildren she saw get married, and she actually liked Joe. She ended up dying less than a year later.

Today wasn't really anything special. Housework and laundry, followed by math homework. Funny enough, I ordered a widow ring from eBay and it arrived today. I'm wearing it now and it feels both comforting and very strange to have a ring on again. I think I like it.


So Joe, Happy Anniversary. I'm sorry we never got around to having the fancy wedding, but I'm glad we did it when we did. I'm so glad I married you. I love you, babe.

No, not about E, although that's probably what you're thinking, LOL. This is about the quotes and poems I seem to be finding lately. I keep a list going, of bits here and there that "speak to me," and I read over it from time to time. It seems the theme right now is being open to happiness, being willing to change, living more for today. My Anais Nin quote started it. Now here's two more, I really love them:

"Pick the day.
Enjoy it - to the hilt.
The day as it comes.
People as they come...
The past, I think, has helped me appreciate the present
- and I don't want to spoil any of it
by fretting about the future."

Audrey Hepburn

and...

"Drink wine, this is life eternal
This, all that life can give to you
It is the season for wine, roses, and drunken friends
Be happy for this moment, this moment is your life."

Omar Khayyam

Is the universe trying to tell me something? Am I trying to tell myself something?

I had an emotional talk with my friend last night. She always asks about the status of E, and she gives really great advice about how I'm worth more, he's no good, etc. Last night I mentioned how it's hard to find the type of guy I'm interested in, in my area. She asked me what I found both attractive and unattractive about Joe. Then we talked about the anger, depression, and stress in our marriage, and how it's probably affecting me now and my ability to let go of E. She's such an insightful person, really. Anyway, I cried on the phone a little last night but thought the tears were over.

Here I am at work, crying again.

My wedding anniversary is this Saturday. I should be celebrating 6 years of marriage with Joe. Instead, I'm reminded he died about a month before our 5th anniversary. How unfair, that we didn't even get to 5 years (I know there are a lot who don't even get that.)

When I think of Joe lately, my mind flashes to a certain picture of him. It's a great picture, he's in a restaurant with my family, and he has the biggest grin on his face. But I can't seem to remember him outside of that picture right now. It's like I can't recall any "action scenes," just that picture. Is this normal?

Every time I get close to feeling like I'll be ok with breaking up with E, it dredges up these feelings of alone-ness, a wasted life, no future.

I had my second math class last night. It may seem a little ridiculous, but I am so proud of myself that not only have I not withdrawn by now (as I have done several times before), I also turned in my homework (!) that was all correct, and I'm generally following along well in the lectures. This is so big for me! I tend to get really bored and drift off to la-la land. My only "issue" is that I'm making some really dumb mistakes - things like not carrying over the negative sign, or multiplying something incorrectly. Things that are really second nature but I guess I'm either rushing or not paying enough attention to. So I'll try to slow down and make sure I'm doing things the right way.

I am feeling so optimistic right now! :)

There's no "easy" way to do this, so I'll just lay it all out on the table - I'm back with E.

I know.

I know what you're probably thinking.

I don't expect any support in what I know is a bad decision. But, it is what it is, at least for right now. I wasn't going to post it, but in my effort to be honest and keep an accurate record, I changed my mind and there it is. It got kind of ugly for a few days, back and forth emails, he never said anything ugly, but I was just extremely hurt, feeling insane, and lonely as hell. Add in to the fact that I may have been carrying his child, even for a short time. I have a bond to the man, and he has one to me, I think. I hope anyway. He has convinced me that he knew about me checking his phone, and about the fake emails. It may be incredibly naive, no wait, stupid, of me, but for now I'm accepting his explanation.

It's very comfortable with him, and we have some really fun times. We just spent a great 4-day weekend together. This may not be "it" for the long haul, but damn it, I want to have some enjoyment. I need to feel loved right now.

I was talking to a friend tonight who will remain nameless for her protection (LOL), and she put it really well...the head knows one thing, but the heart feels another. Or something like that. :P And it's very true.

So, again, no expectation of comments of support. If you feel like virtually smacking me, I understand, LOL.