No promise for tomorrow

I don't want to hear any bad comments please. Wait, that sounds really mean of me. I know that people comment because they want the best for me, and I really, really appreciate that. But the fact is, I don't share all the good stuff that happens with E, and it turns into you (readers) only getting 1 side to the story. Less than 1 side, really. Like 1/4 of a side.

After this weekend (read the previous post) and how E was so sweet with me, I know I love him. Not just "smoochie casual love" or whatever, but real love. His face is the one that I want to see. I want to be near him. He's becoming like my best friend, someone that I can share anything with. I love him not only in spite of his little idiosyncrasies, but because of them, and I think he does the same for me. He's helped me become so much more comfortable with myself. I'm still improving with it, but I've gotten this far because of him. He makes me feel beautiful, special, secure (most of the time), and loved in return. I want to share everything with him, really become complete partners. I don't know yet how that will happen, or what exactly will happen, but these are just my feelings.

We're developing such a great comraderie. We have our own sense of humor now, that's getting better every day. I could go on and on, but that's it. I feel that by loving him so much, and moving beyond lust, I am really leaving myself vulnerable to be hurt, and hurt very badly, but I don't care. I want to take that chance and really give of myself and let him give himself to me.

I just feel really, really happy to have him in my life.

Saturday was probably the lowest I have felt in a very long time. I will tell you right up front that I'm a horrible person for my jealousy but I have to be honest about it. I want to be happy for people but I'm so sad for me, it overwhelms any good feelings. Anyway...

Saturday I stopped by my mother-in-law's because the family was getting together to eat. My brother-in-law was in town (he lives in Miami, 5 hours away.) Little did I know there was actually like 30 people at the house. I don't do well in crowds unless I have someone I can stick by the whole time. So I hung out with MIL's husband, ate a little food, then was saying my goodbyes and making my excuses to leave. Brother-in-law says wait, then he calls everyone into the room. Then he passes around a picture. I knew immediately what it was even though it took everyone else a few minutes to "get it." A sonogram. Brother-in-law's wife is pregnant. Fuck me. When that news sunk into the crowd, they started going crazy. Seriously, this one girl jumped up and down and screamed. She's not even related, why the hell was she so excited? Everyone starts hugging and crying and high-fiving, and congratulating. I feel sick but I say my congratulations and start moving toward the door. Oh, she's also due the same month Joe died, and if it's a boy they are naming it after him. Great. MIL's husband (bless him) walks me out, says I am welcome anytime, this is my home too, etc. He's so nice (they all are, really.) I say goodbye, and as soon as he closes the door and I'm walking down the street to my car, I lose it.

I'm sobbing as I walk past all the neighbors out in the yard. I can still hear people screaming and laughing with happiness inside the house. All I can think is, that should be me and Joe. It's not fair. It's not fair that his health took all that away from us. It's not fair that we were together for 7 years and watched friends have first and then second babies. People who didn't even WANT kids got pregnant accidentally. Joe would have been such a cool dad. We wanted OUR child to be named after him. That should be ME being told to eat such-and-such, and coddled and spoiled. (I told you, I'm a horrible jealous person.)

I made it to the car even though I felt like collapsing in the street (melo-dramatic of me?) I needed to call someone who would understand, who's been there, but fact is, there's NO ONE in my exact situation. The women in my daily life all have kids and none have been widowed. The wonderful widow friends I talk to either have kids or haven't felt such a strong need for them like I have (also they seem to be better people than me and are happy for others LOL.) I ended up calling my friend Heather (who has a 1 year old) and telling her. At first she said she didn't know why I was upset, sobbing on the phone. She's like, oh - and you're upset that she's pregnant? Then she says she's sorry, and that I'll have a baby one day, which was an OK response. Then she says "you just want a baby now-now-now, it'll happen one day." Um, no, I've wanted kids for YEARS but whatever. Then she says E is not the right guy for me. Um, we weren't even talking about E. Then she says kids aren't that great anyway. Um, shut up, you have a kid. Then she says she hopes that helped. Of course I said yeah thanks that helped and hung up. She's a great friend, really, she just doesn't get it with this issue (and she's usually very good with my widow issues.)

I made it to E's house where he had been waiting for me. I walked in the door, he was sitting on the bed doing some work and smiled up at me and asked me how I was. I told him I needed a hug. He got up, gave me a big hug, I started crying again and told him the whole story. He didn't say much, just that he was sorry (I would have sworn he'd start pressuring me to get pregnant but to his credit he didn't) and kept holding me, nuzzling my cheek, kissing me, being very sweet, just the type of response I needed.

I have cried a few more times about this when I start thinking about it too much. I thought about talking to Joe's sister, the one I'm close with, but she has kids of her own and she's excited about this new baby on the way, so she won't get it. I think I'd just be jeopardizing my relationship with the family. That also got me thinking that this isn't really MY family. They love me, I do believe that, and I love them, but it's not unconditional type of love. If I were to do something, like say I was jealous of this situation, it would be very strained I'm sure. Sigh...

My place had gotten beyond "messy." It was gross. E has not been to my house yet (strange, I know.) I was purposefully keeping him away because I was ashamed of the state of things. A week or so ago he was in town but I had to leave him to work on papers for school. A few hours later I happened to call to say hi and he tells me he's on his way over and will be there in about 5 minutes! I freaked! I made him turn around and go home, can you believe it? I felt so bad about that. I don't blame him at all for wanting to come over. We've been dating for 7 months for Pete's sake. It's not fair to him, and he would be justified in feeling suspicious. Anyway, that was my wake-up call that I need to do something. I told E I would like to have him over after Thanksgiving, and he's happy about that. So, to prepare for that visit...

I hired a cleaning lady. I put an ad on Craigslist asking for help and many people answered. I picked Beth because she was so nice and understanding (told her I'd been depressed and had let the house go.) I was so afraid to let her in but I did it. She's been over twice now, for 5 hours each time. The house is not done but it's looking so much better. It's a very old house, and run down. I rent, so it's not like I can or want to invest a whole lot of money in the upkeep. Anyway, I did the decluttering and she's done the grunt work cleaning. She's wonderful! (Did I already say that?) She did things like pull out my fridge from the wall and clean behind it! OMG! She's scrubbed floors, washed windows, petted my cats, said hello to the dogs (even though they're barking at her.) She's made me feel so good, so much better about myself. I had offered to pay her $20.00 per hour but at the end of the first day she said let's treat this as a project and when it's done I can pay her what I think is fair. She's so great.

I have thrown out so much stuff. So many things I don't even know why I bought them, except I was doing emotional shopping. eBay is evil, by the way. We still have 4 rooms plus the carport/utility room to do outside, but the worst is over. I can now have family over (I'd been keeping them away, too) and not be mortified. I am not ready for E yet, but will be in a week or 2. I want to pretty-up the place before he comes over.

I am going to hire either her or my sister to come over like every other week and clean the things I miss. I am so, so happy with this experience. :)

Luckily it wasn't at the widow board, but at the kidney failure board. I was a very active member there for the whole 18 months Joe was on dialysis, very open with my feelings of what was going on. I really didn't censor myself. A few days after Joe died, I had posted about his mom annoying me with stupid phone calls and demanding an autopsy from the funeral home. I was venting, but I said I knew it was her way of grieving. I post updates to that board every once in a while, and I went back to check and saw that his brother had joined and posted. He wrote very nice things, that he was glad I came into Joe's life, he was grateful for all I did, and he was sorry for his mom's stupid phone calls. I felt really bad for writing what I did. I emailed him privately and told him so, and that I loved his mom, all of them really. He didn't respond to the email but he's been a little busy (as I will explain in the next posting.) As nice as it was to read those things from him, I also feel very exposed. I never expected anyone to find that board and like I said, I was very open with our daily life and my emotions. I almost feel like they will judge me for things I wrote. I don't think it's anything too bad, but occassional complaining about Joe, like normal married people do. They probably won't judge me, but I still feel vulnerable about it.

I would be devastated if they found this blog. Way too much personal stuff on here.

Miriam Makeba, in one of my favorite songs of hers, a duet with Paul Simon, "Under African Skies"




LINK TO NEWS ARTICLE

Sigh...another baby function. I want to be happy, I really do. I put on a good show I think, but all I have inside me is...it should be me. Is that horrible?

So my friend Connie is having her second baby, a girl this time, and this past Sunday I went to her shower. It was mainly her family there, all super-Catholics and members of my church, but it was kind of sad how one of the only questions or comments made to me was to ask where my husband is in the cemetery. Sigh...

But, a new life will soon be here. A cute little girl. I will try to be happy. I may be seeing my other friend tomorrow. She's pregnant as well. Of course I will smile and act excited and say congratulations while I'm dying inside. It is my lot in life I think.

I will end the self-pity here. I'm really not as depressed as I think I seem in this post, it's just hard to see others with what I want so badly, that's all.

Just funny, random snapshots of my life. :)

Here's me, with a goofy look on my face...



One of my cats, Ben, being really cute. He is resting on my pillow, with one paw extended to touch my hand...



One of my dogs, Rachel (the nutcase), lying in the sunshine...

Really, really great book! It's about vampires, but it's so intellectually written, and the author goes over so much European/Asian history, it's fascinating. You'll get quite the education reading it. I stayed up late several nights trying to finish it, and could hardly be bothered to go to work because I was so engrossed. :P

If the vampire genre isn't an immediate turn-off for you, do yourself a favor and read this book!

(Tanja/Anja, it even takes place partly in Amsterdam, LOL.)

Amazon review and purchase info

I voted! I went there about 2pm and was out by 2:12 - awesome! Now I just had a 28 minute phone call with E who spent approximately 26 minutes telling me my vote was wrong, I supported evil, did I do it to spite him? and that it was now between me and God. I explained I made the best decision I could and I didn't appreciate what he was saying. I ended up saying goodbye because I couldn't listen to anymore and couldn't exactly switch over to small talk after all that.

MENTAL NOTE: REMEMBER THIS!!!

All Souls' Day was Sunday. My mom, aunt, cousin and I went to a special Mass at St. Joseph's in the evening. Usually it's held in the cemetery but it was rainy so we moved indoors to the old church. I love the old church. It is probably over a hundred years old, and beautiful. We had the funeral for Joe in the church. Anyway, after the service the priest went around the cemetery blessing all the graves. I saw the new plaque on Joe's niche for the first time (the old one had the wrong date, and I hadn't been there since last Thanksgiving anyway, so this was the 2nd time total that I've been there) and it was OK. My mother-in-law put a really gaudy Florida Gators sticker on the plaque and I laughed when I saw it. I know Joe would love it but I'm sure the groundskeepers are hating me right now. I touched the plaque a few times, said a prayer for him (also lit a candle in the church for him) and we left.

It didn't even FEEL like Halloween. I feel so numb around the holidays. Aside from the weather changing and it feeling better outside, nothing really makes me "happy." I can be not sad, but not quite happy either. Is this normal? Do normal people feel not happy, or are they pretty much happy? Hmm, getting too deep for 1:30 in the morning I think.

Since it's after midnight, it's officially All Saints' Day. I suppose I should go to Mass, I don't know if I will or not. Isn't this a day of obligation? I can never remember. I haven't been to Confession in months, and I know I have a lot to confess. Maybe I'll go to Mass and not take Communion, so I don't have to face Confession just yet.

Sunday is All Souls' Day. I will go to the special Mass in the cemetery on Sunday evening. It will be nice, there will be candles and songs, the priest will bless the graves, including where Joe's ashes are stored. I went last year, although that was just 3 months after he died. I wonder if it will feel the same. I have not been back to the cemetery since his ashes were put there last Thanksgiving Day.

I posted last Sunday that E called, just to say hello. He ended up calling again later, invited me over for dinner. I was not planning on going since I had plans, but he called again as I was getting done and I went over there. I shouldn't have, but I know in my heart I was hoping he would call, I was hoping I would go over there, and I was hoping we would "reconcile." And we did. We had dinner and then had sex. Dinner was good, the sex was great. It always is. After dinner and before the sex, he showed me an engagement ring, saying this is what he had planned to give me the previous weekend, if only I had made the right choice. I laughed to myself when he said that, thinking I could buy myself a ring if that's what I really wanted.

We've talked every day since then. I told him flat out my line in the sand is drawn, I am not willing to do what he wants so he needs to stop hoping I'll change my mind. I am perfectly happy to let our relationship stay as it is until...until what? Until I am ready to leave for university I suppose. I need it, in some ways. As long as he is not having sex with anyone else, which he says he would never, and I believe him, I'm OK. Friday night he talked about how he wants a baby, how I am "his Queen" now but I would be his extra special Queen if I had his child. Don't worry, I'm not doing anything stupid. Wait, I guess I AM doing stupid things, but I won't do anything drastic.

I am alone this weekend and besides wanting the physical connection, I'm happy to have some downtime.