No promise for tomorrow

I've been having a rough couple of days. I posted before about my brother-in-law's wife being pregnant and how it upset me but I had been feeling better about it. (I love my in-laws, I am happy for them, but I am very sad for me about my lack of children, just FYI.) Well, Monday I found out they are having a boy. The baby is also due the month my husband died, and they are naming it after him. Great, I know, but it reinforces what I don't have, it rips my heart out and stomps on it really. Maybe I'm too stuck on "it's not fair." But on top of that, I have 3 baby showers in the next several weeks I've been invited to, plus a baptism this weekend, and while I'm happy for those people, it's hard.

I also found out Monday that I have a 3 inch cyst on my ovary and my doctor has me terrified that I'm going to lose my ovary. I'm afraid to even turn over in bed too vigorously. All this up and down with E probably isn't helping either. I've been crying since Monday, and can hardly speak coherently when I talk about it. I went to my mom's Monday evening and she said I need to talk to someone, that this isn't normal that people having babies is affecting me so much. Is it really not normal?

Yesterday I was talking to my friend about it and she said while she can't relate to the exact situation, she knows what it's like to have a dream and to be impatient for the dream to be realized. While I'm sure everyone can relate to that idea, all I kept thinking was, this is more than a dream. This is like being told I have to be patient for oxygen or food, you know? I don't know what it's like for anyone else to want children, all I can go by is what's normal for me. This is a deep, visceral, evolutionary (I guess) NEED I feel. I have things I'm working on in my life (school, etc.) that are all toward the idea that I will have children, but a little voice in my head is telling me all this (school, work, LIFE) is pointless and I'm just wandering aimlessly if I don't have children.