It's been almost 2 months since I've updated. There's been lots of ups and downs, and I don't know if I will post them all. I don't know if I have the energy. Just felt like I needed to post today.
Today I made the mistake of viewing my high school class of '99 on Facebook. I saw many, many people with children, babies, ultrasounds of unborn babies on their page. I saw many who apparently married someone from their "crew" in high school. For some reason, it just disgusts me. Maybe disgust isn't the right word. Makes me feel sick, that might be a better description. I don't know how to be happy for these people when it turns my stomach. I don't know what anyone can say to make it better. I don't know what I can tell myself to make it better.
My 10-year high school reunion should be happening this summer. I had toyed with the idea of going, now I know for sure I'm not. There's no way I could handle it, and I don't want bitterness and tears to show on my face around those people, most of whom I haven't seen or spoken to since graduation.
I have things I'm working toward, things I should be proud of, but I'm not, because I feel like it's second rate to what I really want and what others have.
My 28th birthday is in a week. I feel like I need to figure out something important, something meaningful, to reset my life on the correct course by then. Is that even possible? I have no idea. I don't even know what I mean by that anyway.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Never felt his presence
Almost 2 years out, and I can't say that I ever remember feeling his presence. I read about those lucky people who hear their loved ones, or have a visitation dream, or feel their touch, or their breath on their ear... I don't get any of that.
Part of me wonders what I'm doing wrong that I'm not receiving these messages. Part of me thinks that he's mad a me, and that's why. (Very small part of me but still that thought is there in the back of my head.) I am a Christian, I have faith as best I can, but it does make me question my faith somewhat that I can't feel him, or have proof of his situation.
I have to admit another part of me thinks these signs and messages are all in someone's head (no offense meant by that, since I haven't experienced it, it's hard to imagine it).
I know there's never a way to definitively say, yes they are capable of visiting, and this is how you know...
Just kind of sad.
Part of me wonders what I'm doing wrong that I'm not receiving these messages. Part of me thinks that he's mad a me, and that's why. (Very small part of me but still that thought is there in the back of my head.) I am a Christian, I have faith as best I can, but it does make me question my faith somewhat that I can't feel him, or have proof of his situation.
I have to admit another part of me thinks these signs and messages are all in someone's head (no offense meant by that, since I haven't experienced it, it's hard to imagine it).
I know there's never a way to definitively say, yes they are capable of visiting, and this is how you know...
Just kind of sad.
Summary of me, now at 16 months out
Have been seeing someone off and on for the past 11 months. I've posted about him, you all have read the drama. Things have mainly improved in recent history, but I'm trying to keep my eyes wide open. I've also been coming to the more gradual realization that I can't make my life decisions around anyone else, no matter how in love I might be. At least not at this point.
Been struggling with depression over not having children. It's not an everyday thing, which I am grateful for. I don't feel like I need medication, I don't cry or dwell on it every day. But I have occasional pockets of the rough stuff, which I get through the best I can.
Have been in school, in my second semester. Eventual plan is for nursing. I have several years of school left in my future, which I'm not thrilled about, but I have to do what I have to do.
My major stress right now is money, and health insurance. I feel a lot of pressure every day, knowing my COBRA runs out July 2010. I don't know what I will do at that point since I'll still be in school, my current job doesn't offer benefits, and I can't get health insurance on my own. I also watch DH's life insurance dwindle, getting lower every month. I am so grateful to have it, since I know not everyone did, but it's still scary.
I have been trying to develop closer relationships with long term friends. We had drifted apart over the years, checking in once in a while, but over the past almost 2 years, things are going along well.
My house is cleaner now than it ever has been, but that's still not saying much, LOL.
Been struggling with depression over not having children. It's not an everyday thing, which I am grateful for. I don't feel like I need medication, I don't cry or dwell on it every day. But I have occasional pockets of the rough stuff, which I get through the best I can.
Have been in school, in my second semester. Eventual plan is for nursing. I have several years of school left in my future, which I'm not thrilled about, but I have to do what I have to do.
My major stress right now is money, and health insurance. I feel a lot of pressure every day, knowing my COBRA runs out July 2010. I don't know what I will do at that point since I'll still be in school, my current job doesn't offer benefits, and I can't get health insurance on my own. I also watch DH's life insurance dwindle, getting lower every month. I am so grateful to have it, since I know not everyone did, but it's still scary.
I have been trying to develop closer relationships with long term friends. We had drifted apart over the years, checking in once in a while, but over the past almost 2 years, things are going along well.
My house is cleaner now than it ever has been, but that's still not saying much, LOL.
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