No promise for tomorrow

My aunt has recently joined the Ladies' Auxiliary of the VFW (I think I got that right) and has been recruiting other family members to pitch in. I've been looking for something, so this seemed right. Two weekends ago I joined her and my uncle with their VFW branch at a veterans' hospital in Lake City, about an hour and a half away.

I woke up that morning, dressed, then went out to leave. BRRRR! For an October morning in Florida, it was cold and windy. I figured I should have a light jacket so ran into one of my usual stores to try to find one. Passing by the 3-angle mirror gave me pause. I was NOT looking good. Actually, I looked terrible! Long story short, I ended up buying a whole new outfit right then and there. Of course I needed shoes, so I stopped in the store next door. An hour later, and $150.00 lighter, I was on my way to the sticks (sorry, Lake City).

The weekend's activity was the fall festival. Volunteers were needed to help run the booths, talk to the residents/patients, and just bring a smiling face. We were running the bean bag toss booth, where the player tries to toss a bean bag into a hole in a board marked with certain prizes. They could win different forms of candy, or a hug. Boy, those old men like to hug the women! It was really sweet actually. One old man in particular kept coming back to win hugs from my aunt. She told me later it felt like her tits were going to be squeezed off - her words. The Jaguars' cheerleaders performed, which was probably everyone's favorite part. I took a little (secret, evil) pleasure in noticing the back fat on the cheerleaders. Sorry, I didn't have a great relationship with cheerleaders in high school. I'm human.

Overall, I had a great time. The weather was actually perfect for being outside, and it was so nice to be able to do something for others. It was nice to be able to help out/support my aunt as well. She does so much for veterans and soldiers and I feel bad that the family doesn't help as much as she does.

Why is he not playing the game right? He should be calling me, telling me how sorry he is, and how we have got to make this work because he can't live without me. Sure, I told him I didn't want to be friends with him, but that's only because I couldn't torture myself knowing he was dating someone else while pretending to be OK with it. He should be calling anyway! That's what always happened before. The longer it goes, the more I think he does have someone else, and that makes me feel really sad.

I had an interesting phone call last night from someone new I met online. We had only emailed a few short replies to each other, and then decided to talk on the phone. That man talked my ear off for 2.5 hours! He talks so fast it was difficult to get a word in edgewise. Some things about him were right with my taste, others not so much. I really like an assertive guy, someone who takes charge, but he took it beyond that. He dropped the bomb that he is into the "dominant-submissive lifestyle" (his words). I don't even know exactly what he means by that. Are we talking leather, punishments, S&M? I don't think I want to be with someone who is "in the lifestyle" as he put it. He did like the dogs idea though. Said he could tell I was goodhearted, especially since I had more than 1, and he really liked that.

He also gave me some advice: the type of man who will be interested in me will want to see pictures of me, of my booty specifically, and best if I am bending over, or in some sexy panties, stuff like that. Can you believe it? I told him that if a man wanted to see all that to figure out if he liked me, then I wasn't going to like that man. He called me naiive.

Is that true? I see pictures of women on their dating profiles, with the lowcut shirts and cameras angled down to see their cleavage; posing provocatively in their mini-skirts or skin-tight jeans... is that how I should do it? I just think that sends the wrong message, that they are looking for sex first, maybe a relationship later.

I have now emailed/talked with a few guys (I know, so soon, but I needed the distraction) and the more I do, the more it makes me wish for E. There were so many good things about him. He treated me with respect, was gentle when needed and not so gentle when that was needed too. It makes me miss him so much more, and wonder will I ever find someone that combines his good traits with also accepting my pets?

Today is 2 weeks post-breakup for me. Earlier today I was emailing back and forth with this French guy. He was not my type, too short, etc. but it was a welcome distraction. He then started to tell me how French sex is better, all women like it over there, blah blah blah. Wanted to meet me for lunch but wouldn't provide a picture? Weirdo. I'm not doing that, by the way.Right now I am actually feeling good. No new flame in the works, I just spent a whole bunch of money buying new clothes, and I will be spending more tomorrow. Hey, I worked an extra 2 hours today, I deserve it! Right now I can picture myself getting along just fine without a man. This will probably change in a couple of hours.

He called just now, acted like things were normal, called me sweet names and even said he loved me. I told him I can't do this with him - either he's in my life, fully, or he's out. Otherwise it's too painful. He didn't seem to like that but told me if I wanted to talk sometime to give him a call.Oh, how I want to. I want so badly to pretend everything is OK. But I know it's not, and I have to be able to get through these roughest times so I can move on. It makes me sick to think of moving on right now, but I know I have to.This is so very similar to when Joe died. I developed a history with E, we had shared memories, inside jokes, vacations taken, pictures posed for together... all of this to be taken away because he doesn't want dogs!!! And I feel like such a hypocrite because he's probably thinking the same things about me - that I'm taking all this away because of some dumb dogs.Right now I even hate my dogs (really I love them, but you know...) because "they" are standing between me and happiness. And yet I know it's not really them, it's that this just won't work with E. I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

Tonight, my mostly happy life just took a sharp downward turn. I have just spent the last hour crying and trying to breathe (you know how it is, your head gets all stuffy and yucky), and I could just use something... maybe a few prayers for strength and hope... I don't know exactly what I need.Maybe just to yell... I F***ING HATE MY LIFE! WHAT DID I DO THAT WAS SO HORRIBLE THAT I SHOULD DESERVE THIS?!!!

I hate feeling like the past year and a half with him has been building to probably nothing. I hate feeling like I've trapped myself in a life that I don't want, and I can't get what I want because of the limitations I've created for myself. So, I blame myself for things not working out, and I blame him for making me blame myself, if that makes sense. I love him so much, and I hate him right now. I don't want to live without him, and I hope he calls me and says "just kidding", and yet I know how crazy that is to drag this out even longer.

It's been a while since I've posted anything substantial. I got a little burned out on it, but I need to get started again. My brain is turning to mush and at least writing regularly helps me keep it in shape.

So, to quickly recap:

I've started a new semester in school. I'm signed up for Microbiology, Psychology, Sociology and all of those are going well. I really love Micro. I hate Psych and Socio but I think I will get A's in those classes. I hate the group projects Psych and Socio require, but I'm just trying to get through it. They are accelerated, so only 4 more weeks or so of those 2 classes. I had signed up for Statistics but after a few weeks I missed some classes and I withdrew. There goes $300 down the drain! I will take it again next semester and signed up for my next English class to take its place now. I may regret that later, but what can I do?

I have also been obsessing (like always) about what I'll do for the nursing program. Right now I'm planning on applying for the university as well as my community college's program. I want my Bachelors (university) but it is more competitive, so I might have to go to the CC program first and then transfer over. I'll just keep my fingers crossed for now, and try to study for entrance exams.

That's enough of school.

E and I are doing fairly well. We've had a couple of "fights" (if you can call them that). He's been having trouble with his tenants in the houses he rents out (hmm...should make him sell those houses, but he is still waiting for the market to turn around) and was taking it out on me (unfairly in my opinion) but he apologized and we are OK now.

This weekend I spent with E. Saturday we drove about 2 hours to his (currently vacant) rental house to deal with some of the problems left by the horrible ex-tenants (really, really horrible, awful people). We spent about 8 hours at that house. It was a long and tiring day, especially for him as he was doing a lot of yard work. Sunday we spent at his house relaxing, watching movies, and me working on homework. The bad parts about this weekend - I hurt my back on Thurs or Friday and it's gotten progressively worse. It's also been a very bad self-esteem weekend. I feel disgusted with my body and how I've let things get this way (my weight). I hope this will motivate me to get to the gym this week. The GOOD parts of this weekend - I got to see E really laugh hard a few times. He was really cracking up! It makes me smile to think about it. He's been really sweet lately, very attentive, very interested in me and things going on in my life. It makes me feel good. I love him a lot.