To India for Lia Riyani

Maybe there's someone out there who still reads this : ) If so, I heartily apologize for the neglect the blog has gotten. Right now I'm going to blame it on trying to get all my grading and lesson planning done while the children are sleeping, which leaves little time for fun online stuff (I do still read everyone else's though!). But I am going to try to post here occasionally at least, in case anyone wants to see the kiddos. And if you haven't already, you can find me on facebook, I'm much better at posting pics and stuff up there.

We are doing pretty well around here! We may have a white Christmas for the first time since we left NY! The kids are super-excited for Christmas (even though the youngest 2 are terrified of Santa and have requested that he leave their gifts in the driveway).

Lia is doing really well. Her adoption was finalized in September (it is a very low-key process here, so no fun judge pics : ( She has been home for almost 7 months! We recently had her 18 month check-up and she is in the 45% percentile for weight (!) and the 40th for height. So much for our tiny peanut, she may catch up to Jack. She is a girl who is always on the go and knows what she wants and when she wants it (we are actually looking forward to when she can actually tell us exactly what that is since it is still sometimes a guessing game for us!). She is talking a lot more though. Some favorites- 'ten to' (Thank you) and yuck (stuck). She talks all day long about whoever is not there (which means I hear about Daddy all day long!). She is starting to fight her naps (when we tell her it's time for night-night she screams 'Noooooo'- another of her favorite words) which is not so fun. The girl is FEISTY! Also, we are super-impressed with her immune system (I probably just jinxed us) since she almost never gets the colds and viruses going around (even the ones her brothers get)! She loves all things girly (purses, phones, shoes, socks with bows, baby dolls, etc.) and is a HUGE Dora fan- she sings the song all day!

The boys are loving winter- they've gotten to sled and build a snowman (we have had a very unusual early snow) and love all the Christmas parties and craziness. Jack is an old man toddler. He says the craziest, funniest, deep things and then throws the HUGEST temper tantrums. I am really hoping he doesn't teach these to Lia (but then again, she has a temper all her own! God forbid if those two ever team up on me). He is going to be three next month which makes me sad, but he has always seemed so much older than he is, that it's also surprising to me sometimes that he's still only two!

Gavin is such a big boy (they celebrated his six and a half year old birthday at school yesterday- his teacher does half birthdays for the summer b-day kids). He loves space and dinosaurs and all things mysterious and unexplainable. This makes for very interesting conversations with me, his very unscience-y and completely unconcerned with how things work mother! He is forever asking how many planets have been found (I have no idea), what a particular planet is made of or which was the fiercest dinosaur (again, no earthly idea!).

I wish we had a better local community of adoptive parents, my searches have turned up little other than regret that we don't live about seventy miles further east, where both the Indian and adoptive communities are much larger. But otherwise we're doing so well and know that we are so lucky in how easily Lia has blended into our family.

Hope everyone has a lovely holiday and all of you waiting are in my thoughts as I remember last year when we were in those shoes at Christmas- hang in there!

365 days ago today we got the phone call! We saw our sweet daughter's face for the first time and began the torturous process of waiting to hold her. In many ways it was a slow year- the steps could not go fast enough and we were keenly aware of the days, weeks and months we were missing. But on the other hand I cannot fathom that it has really been an entire year. Every now and then I look at her and think, "Oh yeah, the waiting's over she's actually here now!" I still cannot believe that I can scoop up my wild and wonderful 16 month old anytime I want! Even after four and a half months home the newness hasn't quite worn off.

I remember over the course of the past year getting the pictures in my email inbox (any email from Tami got opened immediately- especially one with attachments!) and searching them for clues to whether she was happy, healthy, sweet, colicky or energetic. It is frustrating sometimes how little a picture tells. I look back at those pictures now and it doesn't even seem like the same child I know. The baby in the pictures is remote and mysterious; the baby I rock in my arms everyday giggles and kisses me before she lays her head on my shoulder. If I don't sing she will say "La, la, la" to try to get me going. I love the look on her face when I pick her up from the babysitter's on tuesday and thursday mornings- simultaneously surprised and thrilled to see me and she throws her arms right up in the air. She has crazy long arms that can reach up to the kitchen counters and squish cupcakes all over or toss water cups on the floor (both have occurred in the past 24 hours). She needs to be in the center of everything (even if it means knocking over a large potted plant to get there- also within the past 24 hours). Yup, she is trouble but in a most wonderful way. The fears we had about whether she would be able to walk, would meet her developmental milestones, would cry all the time or have trouble accepting comfort, have evaporated. I still worry about her- but it's about whether she will fall on her head from the top of the picnic table where she climbed (yup, also today), whether she'll get the croupy cough going around, and a million others. But the shift is noticeable, the worries have little or nothing to do with adoption and are simply about raising my child.

I have no good excuse really, life has settled down considerably. Maybe it's Gavin going back to school or my getting out of the house to work 8 hours a week (most likely it's the fact that we've gone through a good sleeping stretch here with all 3 sleeping through most nights!) but whatever the reason this 3 kids, 2 of them toddlers business has gotten way easier. No, the laundry doesn't miraculously get done and is still almost impossible to get done in my old once a week time-frame and lots of nights we have grilled cheese or scrambled eggs for dinner (of course the night I gave them pb & j and fruit I heard several times that it was waaaay better than the chicken casserole I slaved over the night before!) but I am waaaaay happier and more settled. I think a big part of it is also that Lia seems to have settled into an amazingly happy, smiley and easy-going toddler. She has the cutest, most mischevious smile that just cracks me up. I know a huge part of the shift is probably the attachment thing- her to us and us to her. Although I can't put my finger on it exactly (the whole attachment business in practice is more of a hardly recognizable gradual and murky business than I had anticipated) but I know I have mostly stopped fretting that if we don't cater to her every need or want immediately we will 'mess up' her attachment. I do find myself thinking of her birth parents more often- it makes me sad for them and somewhat sad for her too. When she grins I feel a little twinge for the mother who doesn't get to see it and doesn't get to swoop her up in her arms and kiss her little double chin and tickle her chubby thighs.

But all in all we are good. Despite the misgivings I had about returning to work (both leaving the kids and the craziness of working for a state university in lean budget times) I think it's been good for me to still nurture that other side of myself. What isn't getting done of course is all the writing and proposals I was meant to be doing this year but I keep telling myself that this season of my life will be over at some point and I'll probably be drowning in time to myself (when I'm not worrying about my kids anwyay). I am going to embark on a new blog project soon. Like others who have come home and it doesn't quite feel right to continue along on the same blog I will start anew and broaden the focus a little bit beyond adoption and mothering (hopefully). Stay tuned.

Until then, love all the referrals and travel plans I have been living vicariously hearing about! Best of luck and safe travels to all who will be united with their new babies soon.

Last weekend we took a day to celebrate Rakhi day with the kids (a little late)- we had Indian food for dinner and the boys and Lia LOVED it! (Except for the gulab jamun- Jack said it was ok, Gavin hated it- can't blame him I don't like it either- too sweet, Lia liked it enough for all of us though!) We also did rakhis (homemade versions this year because it snuck up on me and I forgot to order them) and talked about the bond between siblings. We ended the day by reading Bringing Asha Home which talks about rakhis and waiting for an adopted sibling- we read it a lot while we were waiting for Lia but hadn't read it in awhile. Yeah, sometimes that sibling bond means being squished and hugged too hard : )

Cute and messy boy!

Visiting With Uncle Brendan


Enjoying the waterpark
(a girl constantly on the move!)

A rare quiet moment July 4th (with only
ONE child climbing on me!)


Although it has improved a million times over in the past week. The most difficult part of 3 kids for us has been (hands down) LESS SLEEP! Those of you that know me will be shocked that it is actually possible for me to get less sleep since I regularly survive on 5-6 hours of interrupted sleep or less (I have not been blessed with consistently good sleepers for a number of reasons and also get most of my work done at night). Lia started out sleeping shockingly, fantastically well and still does for days at a time. But then... we will have nights where we are putting her back to sleep over and over again for two hours or MORE! The worst are those nights when she wakes up and truly wakes up- thinks it is time to play! Ugh. Until recently this was a waaaaay too recent ocurrence.

However, sleep issues are probably at least partially due to all the partying! That is a fun part of our family we are a party in and of ourselves (never a dull moment) and we have been lucky enough to get to spend lots of time with friends and family lately (between 4th of July, end of school and all the birthdays it has been one party after another). Lia loves the entertainment value of being outside with kids to watch and doesn't seem overwhelmed at all but I think we've played fast and loose with her sleep routine a bit too much. When we had Jack I remember longing for the days when I could base my daily routine around one child's naps, well, now that's even more impossible many days.

I've also been surprised by how one tiny little person has changed our laundry and cleaning routines. I used to be able to get all the laundry done in one day (I hate letting the laundry drag out and be half done forever- it drives me NUTS) but no longer, it just seems impossible. There is always one more load that needs to be done. And although I thought I had already learned to live with toys everywhere before, there is apparently a whole new level of toy clutter. I have tripped over toy trucks, doll shoes and plastic dinosaurs more times than I can count (and have this gigantic mysterious bruise over the top half of my leg that I cannot for the life of me remember how I got but I'm guessing it was from one of these encounters). Of course my cleaning schizophrenia probably doesn't help (I am forever flitting from one area of the house to the other and never actually finish anything).

One very good thing is we have actually spent way less money! Why, you might ask, when we have an extra mouth to feed, body to clothe and bottom to diaper would we spend less money? Well, leaving the house with 3 kids (2 of whom are walking toddlers) is so challenging that I hardly ever go anywhere further than the neighborhood pool or neighbors' houses. I think I went to Target once 2 weeks ago but other than that I have done a weekly grocery run and Greg runs some errands on the weekends and that is it! Also, much less inspired to eat out at a restaurant when it involves cutting up multiple children's foods and trying to encourage them to eat semi-quietly (Lia likes to screech loudly- happily, but very loudly- while she's eating). Good thing it's summer so we can hang out here and not lose our minds.

I also feel less patient (possibly related to chronic sleep deprivation). I swear when I only had one child I never (or almost never anyway) yelled or wanted to tear my hair out, but the boys' constant fighting (I am trying to be understanding of the huge change in their life and grateful that at least they're not taking it out on their sister) has thrown me over the edge more than a few times of late. This constant fighting is relatively new but I also think it is partly due to the fact that Jack is just now old enough to really challenge Gavin and drive him to new levels of crazy. Jack is also much less containable (if that is even possible) now that he can climb over anything (think large walls and furniture here) and open any door (including the sliding glass door on the back- one scary moment there). He also thinks that the cut-out between our living room and kitchen is the upright of a football goal- and everything gets thrown through it. Good thing he is cute!

Although both my little ones are cuddly, sweet and just downright wonderful I am constantly wishing I had more alone time with each one because it is a definite juggling act. I see the beauty of kids who are well-spaced out (hey, I was kinda smart waiting 3 1/2 years between the 1st two kids!) I have a whole new appreciation of mothers of multiples because it is HARD! While I always thought we'd adopt again, right at this moment I think I have my hands completely full so we'll have to see if #4 is in the cards someday (right now someday far, far in the future when I'm no longer changing 15+ diapers a day!).

All that said, and as tired as I am most nights I truly love this summer and having all three kids here with me. I know I am incredibly lucky to get to spend all of this time with them (even on the days when I truly want Calgon to take me away- to somewhere far, far away). I love the sweet moments when the boys invent games together and Lia reaches out to give them cute, little kisses. I love the memories we are making visiting with family and friends, playing in the backyard, bike-riding, and swimming.

*Funny note- one of Lia's newest words is 'Stop' and she says it in the same annoyed tone I say it (when the boys are attacking each other or she is wiggling all over the bed in the middle of the night!). Yikes I'm going to have to start saying something nicer more often.

Then:


Now (she is definitely filling out a bit! And is a full-fledged walker as
of about two weeks ago!):


I just realized that I never actually posted this, so with some reflections and additions I decided to go ahead and post it now (a little over 6 weeks later- has it really been that long?! Time flies when you're havin' fun!) Feel free to skim or skip this- it's long but I wanted to document (I am awful at baby books so consider this a baby book of sorts).

On May 22nd we woke up pretty late! I was shocked at how easily I slept. Then I actually sat down at the computer and did some work- grading annotated bibliographies for my online classes. Crazy but I was actually pretty focused! We'd hoped to do some shopping before heading out to the baby home but were told that most stores don't open till 11am so we wouldn't have enough time. So we hung out in the hotel room and had a leisurely breakfast. Then we began the process of calling Anju (every time I had to make a phone call it was a process with about 4 uncompleted calls- that of course we got charged for anyway) to confirm our time- 12:30 (except this time she said, maximum of 12:30, yikes, if we'd known we could've come sooner we would've!). Then we headed down to the lobby but to my relief the driver was early (I knew he wasn't sure where he was going so I was a bit nervous about getting there on time). Oddly I wasn't as nervous or emotional as I would have thought. Mostly I was just concerned with getting there. And to be honest it was still surreal (still is, even after having been home for 5 weeks).

To future families- most of you will want to go to the Parna Daas building (somehow we didn't know this, I probably totally missed the instruction and had our driver take us to the first one listed on the contact sheet). We pulled up to a totally nondescript building, I turned the video camera on to document the street and what I thought were the infamous stairs. I could hear babies and people but could not figure out where to go. Finally I came upon a half-open door with some isolettes. A lovely nanny smiled and told me we were in the wrong place! She asked who we were adopting and when she found out it was Riyani she smiled and said she remembered her. So off we went again on another adventure (with our driver calling Anju for directions and stopping to ask people on the street 3 or 4 times). Then finally there were two lovely gentlemen in front of a gate who started waving at us and directed us into the driveway (tip- it's next to the King and Queen salon). Then we found the infamous stairs for real. I totally thought I'd start crying or get choked up as we started up them. Nope. I was on a mission and was totally devoid of any thought other than 'must document this, must videotape'! Didn't help that I totally tripped over my long skirt 3 or 4 times (graceful, huh?!)

As we got to the top of the stairs we saw a few desks and people getting up to greet us and then Anju was in front of us and leading us toward her office. She was wonderfully kind and spoke to us for quite awhile (of course what was said I have no idea- I took notes but who knows what they say). I do remember massive confusion when I asked her if she could tell me the names of the ayahs in one of the old pictures another family took (she thought I meant the names of the babies and she had 3 nannies in there trying to remember all their names but finally we got it sorted out and I do have the names for any families that want them!) I asked a few questions (rather awkwardly- I think I kept saying 'Well, I'm supposed to ask...') about her personality and who her crib mates have been (Sheli, Piyashi and Maya in recent months). Of course I totally forgot to ask anything about her physical therapy or any allergies. Oops. Then we signed paperwork (I'm totally fuzzy on what it looked like and why we signed it- I'm pretty sure we would've signed our life away : ) and suddenly they brought her into the room. We did not know she was coming quite then and were a little off-guard. Again I expected to be overwhelmed with emotion but the only thing I remember thinking was 'please baby, don't cry'. She looked a little fearful for a second but then when she was placed in my arms she just kind of looked at me and didn't cry. I kissed her sweet little cheeks and held her hand and remember thinking how much smaller she is in person.

Then Anju gave the name sheets to the head nanny and led us to the room. (I wish I had paid more attention to how many names were in each pile- Anju skimmed through the names and put them in 2 piles one for each building. They kept asking if we had taken all the pictures we needed and we really had no idea!) On the advice of our social worker I asked which crib was Riyani's and put her back in it so that her nannies could say goodbye to her. Then we started taking pictures. Ugh. I am still unhappy with myself for how poorly I did in this first room. We know how important those pictures and videos are and I was totally determined to do a good job but I didn't. I somehow thought it would be better for me to do video while Greg took stills- awful idea, I should have let him do it all as it would have slowed us down some and his skills are way, way, way superior to mine (I had actually never even picked up that particular video camera before and had no earthly idea what I was doing). Instead we totally rushed through the room and it is honestly a blur. I have a vague memory of 3 large cribs in the middle of the room. and 7 or so smaller white cribs along the edges of the room and one adorable little toddler boy who kept reaching for Greg's camera, but other than that I feel like we really should have slowed down and talk to the nannies more. Ugh. Oh well, future families learn from my example! Then we moved into the room next door that had about 12 small cribs each with one baby each(they were about 2-5 months old). We started to slow down a little bit and chatted more with the nannies who told us how old a few of them were. I remember being amazed because they were all asleep at the same time and I asked the nanny if they always slept at the same time and she nodded and said 'yes that they were very used to their routine' (wow! and I can't even get 2 toddlers to sleep at the same time). At some point we must've gone back in and gotten Riyani out of her crib but I totally don't remember it!! I do remember practically tripping down the stairs again several times (darn skirt).

Then we moved on to the 2nd building. One of the workers hopped in the car to direct our driver. Greg held Riyani on the way there and she just hung out in his arms. He hates those pictures (apparently I took them too close up!) but it was still very sweet. When we got there he handed her to me so he could take the video and still cameras and all his photo-taking paraphernalia. We went back in the same building we'd been in an hour before but this time headed downstairs. This building is a bit older and there are many buildings close-by so there are sounds coming from everywhere. We first entered a room with about 3 large cribs and several 'toddler chairs' (wooden chairs with belts and little trays). This was one of the special needs rooms. There were four children in there at the time. 3 in the cribs and one sitting in one of the chairs (I remember being surprised that the boy in the chair was playing with one of those fisher price amazing animals zebras!). I hung out in the doorway (not a lot of space in there) speaking with the nanny (same lovely women who we'd spoken to before) while Greg took pictures and video of one of the little girls. Riyani settled in against my chest (I thought she was asleep long before she actually was because she was so still). Then we headed to a second room with 4 small cribs and smaller toddlers and babies. We actually spent a lot of time in there- there were 3 nannies in there who spoke English and asked us a number of questions about where we were from and how long we'd waited for her and they played with the children and changed their diapers while we were in there chatting (and Greg was taking pictures and video). We were so much more relaxed at this point that we really had time to slow down and have a conversation! I totally fell in love with a sweet baby boy in there. He was about 5 months old and just giggled and laughed and played with us the whole time! (I so hope he has a family by now, last I knew he didn't! If I could, I would bring him home!! If we are able to adopt again I might have to go get a baby boy! Those boys had so much personality!)

Then we headed upstairs to see the newborns (I think the oldest was about 7 weeks old). I was amazed that several of the very newborn (and one very, very sick baby) were not still in the hospital. The doctor happened to be there and she led us around (she is a wonderful, very nice and very intelligent woman!) and told us about a number of the babies. The 3 in the front room were very young and she mentioned that the babies usually come there when they are 2-3 days old (about the same time they would be released from the hospital back home). The one teeny tiny baby really was as small as my palm. She was hooked up to many wires and it looked almost like a hospital isolette. It was heartbreaking- like walking through a NICU. The next room had many more babies (maybe 2 dozen) and they were a bit older. The doctor stopped by one isolette to tell us that the little girl would soon be undergoing surgery the next day. The baby was smiling sweetly and I was so sad that she was about to have to undergo that. The nannies were very loving toward the babies and knew them all. We asked if Riyani was in that room and they smiled and nodded and said, 'Yes, of course! She was here for her first couple months.' It was so hard to comprehend that the baby in my arms (finally asleep by now) had been in one of those cribs for many days before we even knew about her!

I was still rather zombie-like as we headed out and said our goodbyes. I held Riyani in my arms (she slept through the whole ride back to the hotel and then slept for 4 more hours that afternoon back in the room- not that we were happy that she was traumatized but it was nice because it gave us all time to process and adjust a little).

What everyone said about the truly amazing care these children get definitely seemed true to me! The women caring for them were wonderful to us and so sweet and interested.

I have thought about that day often in the weeks since then and am continually surprised at how truly hazy my memory is of it. I should go back and watch the video- I might be surprised! I do know that I was shocked that I wasn't more emotional, and a bit worried about why I wasn't. But if anyone else has that reaction I wouldn't stress about it. Two days later we were in a car in Kolkata headed out to shop. Riyani was in my arms when this sketchy looking guy headed toward the car door and suddenly my arms tightened around her and I just felt that Mama Bear protective instinct kick in and knew I would give my life to protect her. As suddenly as that all was right with the world (the guy walked away- I'm sure he wasn't intimidated by me : ) but was probably just mistakenly headed the wrong way).

More recent updates to come soon!

Happy Girl (brother's b-day cake is coming)

My sweet baby growing older, and toothless.

Happy Birthday to me!