To India, With Love, .....

Over the last couple of months I've had a lot of people ask me "Why did you choose India to adopt from?". It occurred to me that I've never written on Bens blog about how we came to find out about him, so here we go...

Adopting was something that J and I had been talking about on and off for several years. For some reason though, it was a conversation that never really completely would get finished. We'd end up discussing the fact that 4 kids is already a big family by todays standards, or end up talking about how much money would be involved in adopting.

In January of 2006 I received a phone call from my good friend Sue. Sue is also from New Zealand and lives right here in town. Sue adopted a little boy from India many years ago ...and over the course of our friendship had often planted the seed that we needed a little boy from India to complete our family.... Anyway, Sue called me to relay a phone conversation that she'd had with the agency that she had used many years before ... At that stage neither of us knew just how much that conversation was going to change our life.

She told me about a little 3 and a half year old boy, who at that stage was in a hotel in Seattle with an escort. His new mother had flown over to India to bring him home, and upon her arrival back in Seattle had contacted the agency to let them know that she had changed her mind. The agency was working hard to place this little guy with a family in Ohio, who had recently also arrived home having adopted a child from this little boy's same orphanage. The concern was with the interstate transfer of guardianship. As a back-up plan, the agency wanted a Washington based family. Sue immediately thought of us.

After numerous phone calls with the agency, they let me know that they had been able to take the necessary legal steps to enable this little guy to go to Ohio. While we were disappointed, we knew that this was the best possible thing for this darling little boy ...to be in a family where there was already someone familiar to him. A couple of days later, the agency called us back again, this time they were the ones asking all the questions. They wanted to clarify a few things ... "We were interested in a boy?" ..."We were interested in an older child?". Apparently theres not a great demand for older boys .... Most people want babies or little girls.

They said they had a child that they felt would be perfect for us. Just like that. They sent us his photo and what little information they had about him, and it was love at first sight. Our lives changed forever that day. From the second I saw him I knew that was MY child. Our agency rep shared with us that she had been the one to take his referral photo on a recent trip to India, and that Ben didn't want his photo taken. With the orphanage director translating, she explained to him that she needed to take his photo so she could go back to American and find him a Mummy ... His response to that was that the Mummy's only come for the babies. There he was, at the ripe old age of 4, and he genuinely believed he wasn't going to ever have a family.

Back then cases were moving through the Delhi courts pretty smoothly, so we were expecting Ben to be home with us in less than 6 months. Anyone who has read this diary over the last 14 months knows about our rotten luck and frustration with the different judges who have come and gone in the Delhi courts. There were times when I was sure we'd be lucky to have him home in time to teach him how to shave!

So thats how it happened. As I tell people, we really didn't choose India ..its more like India chose us. I'll never understand how the woman who "changed her mind" about the little guy that we've come to refer to as "little Ohio boy" came to do what she did. I think about that child often and hope that he's happy and settled with his new family, and was too young to see what happened to him as yet another abandonment. I'm sure he's completely loved by his new family and I wish there was some way for him to know once he's older that what happened to him led to another child finding a family.

Ben was mine from the day I found out about him. From that second onwards, there has not been a minute that he's been out of my mind or heart. Its such a relief to finally have him here with us where he belongs. Every kiss he gives me, ...every spontaneous hug ...every smile, lets me know that this is so very right. I truly believe it was just meant to be ... He was born in another country by another mother, but he was always meant to be mine. I just wish there was some way that his first mother could know that hes ok .... and that he's so very loved.

The above statement came from Molly around midnight last night.

She was upset that the school year is nearly over and she was crying that she was going to miss her beloved teacher, Ms. Johnson. We went thru this last year after kindergarten, only the teacher we were going to miss was Miss Berry. This year is even harder for her, and somehow the conversation turned to who Ben misses. She told me, "I'm really glad we got him, Mum" .. (this coming from the same child who asked 2wks after Ben came home if he came with a receipt!). She wants to know if we can get another child from India once Georgia (who has just turned 14) moves out. I told her we'd have to talk to Daddy about that one. We both lay there in Bens bed (he'd migrated into Mollys bed earlier in the night) and just talked. It was pretty special. These girls have been amazingly accepting of the the major changes that have happened in our family over the last 3 months. Molly and Ben have some really indepth conversations. Shes not afraid to ask the questions that I am afraid to ask, and he seems happy to answer her, where with me he'll often change the subject or tell me he doesn't know.

It made me all teary when she hugged me tight and told me "I REALLY do love him, Mum". I told her that I know she really loves him, and that he knows she really loves him, and that I really love him too.

Today we found an online radio station that plays Indian music. Ben has been shaking his little bootie all morning long! I found the link on my friend Sas's blog.

I can see this radio station playing in the background for as long as anyone is on the computer. Ben's loving this so much that I'm thinking its time to take a trip down to the Indian market and buy him some CD's of his own. If anyone has any CD suggestions I'd love to know about them!

On Friday night we had the pre-school concert and graduation ceremony for Ben and Maddie. I was a little unsure as to how this would go, as during the rehearsals Ben had memorised EVERYONES lines and would say them regardless of whether it was his turn or not. The teachers all found it very cute, and one even confided that she really hoped he would do it on the night. For the first time ever, he did only his own lines, and did an awesome job at that!

The second Maddie chose a dress to wear, he went straight for one of the Indian outfits that we'd bought in India for him. I guess in his mind it's the dressiest thing he owns (and lets be honest, American style clothing pales in comparison), so thats what we went with. He was super-proud of the way he looked, and was delighted when Cassie decided to wear her Indian outfit too. He then chose a shirt for me that I'd bought in India, so we were all set. He was a little apprehensive when we first arrived at the preschool - Anything that goes outside the realm of normal everyday routine still has him a little unsure - but once we were there and he saw all those familiar faces he was good to go. Once the performance started and people started clapping, he started bowing, and at the top of his lungs announced "Dank you, dank you belly much!". There was not one person there that wasn't grinning. I was laughing so hard that tears were running down my cheeks. To look at where he was just a couple of months ago, compared to now is pretty overwhelming. He has this air of new-found confidence about him thats wonderful to see ... espescially when you know how hard his life before now has been.

Today is Fathers Day, so all of the kids made cards. I tried to explain Fathers day to him, but all he wanted to know is if he gets cake. When J called in from work to say good morning to everyone Ben ran to him and told him "Happy Birthday Daddy!!". Close enough. This afternoon we're making muffins and a chocolate chip cake, so they're all looking forward to that! If Ben has anything to do with it, we'll have candles on the cake too. For as many birthdays as there have been lately I'm sure he thinks we get cake every week.

Ben continues to adjust to life here amazingly well. Since he arrived home he's learned to ride a two-wheel bike with no training wheels, and can now get himself swinging on the swing. (he goes so fast and so high its hard to watch). Yesterday he decided to tackle tree-climbing and predictably got up the tree and then got stuck. All of his sisters were standing beneath the tree encouraging him, which both amused and infuriated me. (Yes, lets encourage the child who's lived in a concrete box with no backyard the majority of his life to climb the tree ...What were they thinking??) It turns out that he got part of the way up the tree and convinced himself that he saw a monkey and a snake, and at that point was too scared to move. It was Mum to the rescue, and even once we were safely down and I could show him that there was no monkey's or snakes up there, he was not going back near that tree for anything.

Between Maddies bug phobia and the monkey up the tree out the back its got the potential to be a long summer!

Today we were sitting at the kitchen table, just the 2 of us and Ben started talking about India. Completely out of the blue. His little face was so serious as he struggled to find the right English words to tell me all he wanted to say. He told me all about being at a police station and that he was hungry and that they gave him a banana. Then Surekha-Aunty came and took him home. He told me that he was scared and sad. The he fast-forwarded to when Vijay-didi told him that he had a Mummy and how he was happy. He talked about some of the other kids we have photos of ... A little girl who would bite, Karishma who would cry all the time, and Babbu who would get his bottom spanked because he wouldnt sit down and watch TV. Ben was adamant that he would sit and watch TV and get "no bottom spanked" because he was a good boy. He even bent over and wrapped his little arms behind his knees to show me the stance of the kids who got spankings. (now before I'm inundated with emails asking me if these kids were being abused, the answer is a HUGE no! The most common form of punishment was to make these kids stand in a corner and pull on their own ears. In all honesty I can't see Surekha ever raising a hand to these kids, although having met Babbu I'm sure he knew exactly how to push all of the right buttons.)

I asked him if he remembered anything BEFORE the police station and he said he didn't know.

He told me he waited for Mummy for a long time. I'm not sure if he was referring to me or his first mother. I asked him if he meant me, or his "India-mummy" and he changed the subject.

End of conversation ... he wanted to go bounce on the trampoline. I'm hopeful there will be more talks like this, as the information he gives me now is all I have to give him when he's older.