I'm noticing that after every big meltdown comes a period where life is super-easy, and this calm period is outlasting any others to this point so far. Not to say that we haven't been without our challenges ...Its just that our challenges seem very small compared to others that we've faced prior to now. Ben is more affectionate and settled than ever. We're talking more than we've ever done up till now. His English continues to improve daily, and there is no doubt that the more he's able to communicate, the easier life becomes. The last few days he's had a lot of questions, and has fully understood the answers. Its not to say that he's without confusion, because there's still a lot of confusion ... but its getting so much easier.
We've been enjoying the sunshine and the pool and Ben's tan lines are more obvious than ever. He also has a little dry spot of skin on each cheek. He's still a fanatic about his lotion, and we had a little chat while applying the lotion in the bathroom yesterday morning ... Ben thought his little white spots of dry skin meant that now he was in America he was finally turning white. I told him that no .... that was just how his skin healed, and that in a little while the spots would be beautiful and dark like the rest of him, and he was very disappointed. I think he thinks that all of the kids originally came from India and looked like him, and that now after being here a while they're white. That let to quite a conversation .... I told him that in India, EVERYONE has beautiful dark skin like him, and that thats a good thing. He was a little unsure. I reminded him gently that his "tummy mummy" looked just like him, and the way he looked was PERFECT. I love him just the way he is, and I want for him to love himself exactly the way he is too....
For all the steps forward that we are taking, there are still things that happen daily to remind me that with Ben we can't take anything for granted. He's still struggling with Georgia being in New Zealand, and is confused that she's not home yet. Initially he thought that she'd gone to India, and was very sad. I really thought that he understood she was in NZ on holiday, but apparently he wasn't so sure. Yesterday a friend bought her 13 yr old daughter Ann out to visit, and a couple of hours after they arrived Ben asked if we were keeping Ann instead of Georgia. I told him that no, Georgia was family forever, just like him, and that Ann and her Mummy were just visiting for a short while. He seemed surprised, but definitely relieved. There is no doubt that he misses his biggest sister and is excited now to go to the airport to welcome her back home.
We're planning on heading to the beach for a few days right after Georgia gets home, and we've been doing a lot of talking about that. He's been to the beach before, but has never spent a night anywhere other than right here at home. I keep telling him how much fun we'll have sleeping over at the beach and he's pretty excited. All he wants to know is if "Mummy/Daddy/Georgia/Cassie/Molly/Maddie/Darwin/Adelaide" are going. (that would be the whole family, inclusive of puppies) ... and I tell him, that yep, we'll ALL be there. Truthfully the puppies I'm not sure about ... I want to take them so badly and I know that they'd be fine, but given we can only stay at the RV if J's dad is there (due to new rules by the woman thats running the campground), we kinda have to get his approval to take the dogs, and thats not going to be easy. Of course I lean more towards just showing up with them and dealing with the backlash, but J doesn't think the same way I do. I have a couple of weeks to convince everyone that the dogs will be no trouble, but its not going to be easy. In the meantime we're talking about the fun things we'll be doing, like catching crocodiles (crabs), and flying kites.
We get constant giggles out of Bens language skills, and because this diary is being kept for him I keep telling myself I need to keep a note of some of the things he's saying/doing, that I know he'll get a giggle out of himself once he's older.... Here are a few...
Pop-pickles = popsicles
Nice butt! = an awesome way to get attention and a big step up from "you farted" ... (he initally tried this one out on my regional manager ..thank God she has a sense of humour!)
Shake the boolie = a great way to make the dogs wag their tails before giving them a treat
I lub you = My most favourite thing to hear
Melee Mummy's baby boy =My other most favourite thing to hear
I chose YOU, Mummy = See list regarding favourite things above
Holy Loly = Reserved for only good and exciting things
Potty le lee, Dotty le lee = I have no idea, but its obviously a good thing!
Pooching and lubs = Kisses and loves
I think we've turned an important corner in the bonding process. He tells me openly now how happy he is to be my boy and to have a Mummy. We had to go to the Doctor earlier in the week because he had swimmers ear , and when it came time for the Dr to look in his ear, he reached for me and patted the bed beside him. I sat there and reassured him that it wouldnt hurt while he gripped my hand for dear life. To know that he's wanting me for comfort and reassurance like that was HUGE. This is the same Dr that saw us when we first got home and he had his bad cough, and what she had to say about our progress was very complimentary. She told me that she couldnt believe he was the same child ... that upon our first visit all she could think after we left was that "this woman had taken on so much with that child". She reminded me of how scared he was on those first visits ..how he wouldnt talk and wouldnt make eye contact. This time around he was giggly and happy, into everything, and even gave her a hug on the way out. Her words as we left were "You are doing an amazing job with that child"... My reply was that I couldn't take all the credit for that ... His sisters are doing an amazing job, and Ben is doing an amazing job.
I'm just the lucky one who gets to call herself Mummy.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Last night bought what was quite possibly our most emotional meltdown to this point ....
Ben discovered a poster-board of family photos in Molly's closet. It was made back when she was in kindergarten, before we even knew of his existance. Seeing everyone's photos except for his on there really caused a major meltdown. He told me "I NOT your boy, I no love Mummy ... I NOT family". It was a hard one. I told him that WAS my boy, and that I love him very very much, and that we're family forever. He wouldn't look at me, wouldnt let me touch him, nothing.
For nearly 5 hours this went on. He missed dinner and didn't care. I tried everything from being sympathetic to stern ...Nothing was working. Instead of sitting with him the whole time like I have on previous occassions, I decided to give him some alone time. I went back up to check him once dinner was ready, and by then he was done being upset and was just angry. He kept trying to push me off his bed, telling me "OFF MY BED" ... I refused to move, and told him it was my house and he was my boy and I'd stay there as long as I wanted. Quietly I think he was enjoying my refusal to leave. Fearing that he was turning this into a game, I gave him a little lesson on choices. I told him that by making the choice to stay upstairs in his room and be sad and angry alone, he had chosen to miss dinner, ice-cream and play time. I told him that this didnt hurt me .... it only hurt him. I reminded him that he was not alone anymore ...that he had a Mummy he could talk to and snuggle with when he gets sad and upset, and that I was sad he'd chosen to stay alone.
He had no concept of the fact that we haven't always known about him, and I was struggling to explain it in words he would understand. I opted for closing my hand and making a fist so there were no fingers showing. I told him ...this is when you were a baby. I showed one finger and told him ...this is your first birthday, when you were number one. Two fingers ...this is when you were number two. I told him he was number four before Vijay-didi had told us about him, and told him how badly I wanted a little boy and how Vijay thought that he would be the perfect little boy for me. I told him about the courts, and the judge and how long it took us to get a "ticket" (the ticket being what the orphanage told the kids was the reason for the wait, knowing the children would never understand the whole court process). I reminded him that by the time the judge signed our papers saying I could be his Mummy and then I waited for my ticket, he was number 5. I also told him that it made me sad that we had missed those early years of his life. We can't ever get those back, but we do have the rest of our lives. Eventually I think something must have gotten thru, because he then decided we could be friends again. I ended up laying with him until he fell asleep, which was around 1am this morning.
Today, hes back to being happy. I had J swing past the store and grab some more pieces of poster board and some glue sticks and tomorrow we'll be making some new photo-boards for each of the kids. I told Ben that he could have his very own, and we'll put pictures of his family from India, as well as his family here. We talked a little about it again this morning and I asked if he knew that we would be his family forever, and he said he did know.
I knew that there would be nothing predictable about his transition, and that there are many stages that need to be worked thru. I can't protect him from things like family photos before he came. He wasn't always here, and he does know that ....we can't pretend its any different and even if we could, we wouldn't.
What I want him to truly know and believe though, is out of all of the little boys in the whole wide world, we chose him.
Ben discovered a poster-board of family photos in Molly's closet. It was made back when she was in kindergarten, before we even knew of his existance. Seeing everyone's photos except for his on there really caused a major meltdown. He told me "I NOT your boy, I no love Mummy ... I NOT family". It was a hard one. I told him that WAS my boy, and that I love him very very much, and that we're family forever. He wouldn't look at me, wouldnt let me touch him, nothing.
For nearly 5 hours this went on. He missed dinner and didn't care. I tried everything from being sympathetic to stern ...Nothing was working. Instead of sitting with him the whole time like I have on previous occassions, I decided to give him some alone time. I went back up to check him once dinner was ready, and by then he was done being upset and was just angry. He kept trying to push me off his bed, telling me "OFF MY BED" ... I refused to move, and told him it was my house and he was my boy and I'd stay there as long as I wanted. Quietly I think he was enjoying my refusal to leave. Fearing that he was turning this into a game, I gave him a little lesson on choices. I told him that by making the choice to stay upstairs in his room and be sad and angry alone, he had chosen to miss dinner, ice-cream and play time. I told him that this didnt hurt me .... it only hurt him. I reminded him that he was not alone anymore ...that he had a Mummy he could talk to and snuggle with when he gets sad and upset, and that I was sad he'd chosen to stay alone.
He had no concept of the fact that we haven't always known about him, and I was struggling to explain it in words he would understand. I opted for closing my hand and making a fist so there were no fingers showing. I told him ...this is when you were a baby. I showed one finger and told him ...this is your first birthday, when you were number one. Two fingers ...this is when you were number two. I told him he was number four before Vijay-didi had told us about him, and told him how badly I wanted a little boy and how Vijay thought that he would be the perfect little boy for me. I told him about the courts, and the judge and how long it took us to get a "ticket" (the ticket being what the orphanage told the kids was the reason for the wait, knowing the children would never understand the whole court process). I reminded him that by the time the judge signed our papers saying I could be his Mummy and then I waited for my ticket, he was number 5. I also told him that it made me sad that we had missed those early years of his life. We can't ever get those back, but we do have the rest of our lives. Eventually I think something must have gotten thru, because he then decided we could be friends again. I ended up laying with him until he fell asleep, which was around 1am this morning.
Today, hes back to being happy. I had J swing past the store and grab some more pieces of poster board and some glue sticks and tomorrow we'll be making some new photo-boards for each of the kids. I told Ben that he could have his very own, and we'll put pictures of his family from India, as well as his family here. We talked a little about it again this morning and I asked if he knew that we would be his family forever, and he said he did know.
I knew that there would be nothing predictable about his transition, and that there are many stages that need to be worked thru. I can't protect him from things like family photos before he came. He wasn't always here, and he does know that ....we can't pretend its any different and even if we could, we wouldn't.
What I want him to truly know and believe though, is out of all of the little boys in the whole wide world, we chose him.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Water baby!
Ben is discovering the joy of swimming. (Thank God for water-wings!). We got off to a bit of a rough (and funny start). Ben wears "night-time pants" (pull-up pants) to bed each night ... He was so excited at the prospect of swimming that he also wore his swim shorts to bed the previous night. Yesterday morning before getting in the pool, I asked him if he had taken his night time pants off and got a very solemn yes. It was his first time in the pool, and even with the water wings he was having the worst time staying upright. He was having a blast, but taking on so much water he was actually burping water (which he found hysterically funny). I pulled him out to take a break and he looked like a little sumo around his middle. Sure enough, his night time pants were still on and he was probably carrying an extra 5lb worth of water around his little bootie. No wonder he was having such a hard time staying afloat! Once we removed the offending pants life got a lot easier.
By today he'd worked out the benefits of keeping your mouth shut while swimming (that burping water thing is only funny the first couple of times), and by this afternoon was plugging his nose and dunking his whole head under. I've been keeping the sunscreen heaped on him but he was horrified this afternoon to discover that he actually has tan-lines. It was too cute!
We'd had a really rough couple of days after Georgia left for her month in New Zealand. Ben was feeling pretty insecure and kept telling me that he missed Surekha Aunties house and wanted to go back there. We ended up spending two nights sitting up until the wee hours of the morning just talking and snuggling, and today he's announced several times that hes "velly velly happy". I told him that makes me very happy too. He knows that its ok to be sad, but he also knows that this is forever. I asked if he knew how much Mummy loved him and he said "Big as the world". He said he loves Mummy as big as India AND America. He also said that he really loves the "full" (pool) and "flashing" (splashing).
You just have to love this whole summer thing!!!
By today he'd worked out the benefits of keeping your mouth shut while swimming (that burping water thing is only funny the first couple of times), and by this afternoon was plugging his nose and dunking his whole head under. I've been keeping the sunscreen heaped on him but he was horrified this afternoon to discover that he actually has tan-lines. It was too cute!
We'd had a really rough couple of days after Georgia left for her month in New Zealand. Ben was feeling pretty insecure and kept telling me that he missed Surekha Aunties house and wanted to go back there. We ended up spending two nights sitting up until the wee hours of the morning just talking and snuggling, and today he's announced several times that hes "velly velly happy". I told him that makes me very happy too. He knows that its ok to be sad, but he also knows that this is forever. I asked if he knew how much Mummy loved him and he said "Big as the world". He said he loves Mummy as big as India AND America. He also said that he really loves the "full" (pool) and "flashing" (splashing).
You just have to love this whole summer thing!!!
Monday, July 09, 2007
Fun times...
"You farted" is without a doubt Ben's most favourite English phrase. He likes to bounce it out there randomly and then laughs his little ass off at people reactions.
A few weeks ago we were at the store minding our own business shopping. I had all the kids with me and there was this one woman that we kept bumping into who was obviously trying to work out how Ben fit in amongst all the other kids. Well, there we were over by the milk and she got brave enough to speak up. Addressing Ben she tells him "Hullo". Mimicking her voice and tone perfectly he replied "Hullo". Then she asks him "How are you?", to which he mimicked her again .... "How are you?". She told him she was good and thanked him. I could see his eyes light up and instinct told me it was time to keep moving. Too late. He smiles his sweetest smile, points right at her and at the top of his lungs tells her "YOU FARTED". This woman went thirty shades of red instantly. She tells him, "Oh honey, no I didnt", to which he stands up in the cart, bends over, (assumes what I can only guess is his farting position) blows a raspberry and tells her "Yup, you farted". By now shes looking a lot like shes going to faint, and the other kids are laughing so hard I'm expecting one of them to pee all over themselves any minute. Meanwhile other shoppers are glaring at this woman with looks that all say "How disgusting!". Naturally everyone is going to believe the child ...espescially one as cute and straight-faced as Ben.
I know people have told me that with older adoptive kids you have to go thru all the emotional stages. We've been in and out of the baby stage, where he wants to be held, rocked and comforted and now I'm guessing we've moved on to the stage that I can only compare to having a 3 yr old that is going to say whatever is on his mind, no matter where we're at or who's listening. I'm going to predict that this stage will be one of the more entertaining!
A few weeks ago we were at the store minding our own business shopping. I had all the kids with me and there was this one woman that we kept bumping into who was obviously trying to work out how Ben fit in amongst all the other kids. Well, there we were over by the milk and she got brave enough to speak up. Addressing Ben she tells him "Hullo". Mimicking her voice and tone perfectly he replied "Hullo". Then she asks him "How are you?", to which he mimicked her again .... "How are you?". She told him she was good and thanked him. I could see his eyes light up and instinct told me it was time to keep moving. Too late. He smiles his sweetest smile, points right at her and at the top of his lungs tells her "YOU FARTED". This woman went thirty shades of red instantly. She tells him, "Oh honey, no I didnt", to which he stands up in the cart, bends over, (assumes what I can only guess is his farting position) blows a raspberry and tells her "Yup, you farted". By now shes looking a lot like shes going to faint, and the other kids are laughing so hard I'm expecting one of them to pee all over themselves any minute. Meanwhile other shoppers are glaring at this woman with looks that all say "How disgusting!". Naturally everyone is going to believe the child ...espescially one as cute and straight-faced as Ben.
I know people have told me that with older adoptive kids you have to go thru all the emotional stages. We've been in and out of the baby stage, where he wants to be held, rocked and comforted and now I'm guessing we've moved on to the stage that I can only compare to having a 3 yr old that is going to say whatever is on his mind, no matter where we're at or who's listening. I'm going to predict that this stage will be one of the more entertaining!
Fireworks and Mango's.
Again I find myself playing catch-up here.
Summer is definitely here! At last!! I've been trying desperately to resurrect the pool - The water is now a lot clearer, but still kinda cloudy. For as much money as I've spent on chemicals I'm starting to think it would have been cheaper just to drain it and refill it. I have 2 more bags of shock to use and if that doesnt clear it right up then I'm emptying all 10 000 gallons of it. Its pure torture for the kids to see the pool uncovered and not be allowed in it. Ben has been surprisingly good. He's curious about all that water, but not curious enough to want to climb in it yet.
We all had a great time on the 4th July. Living in a quiet dead-end neighbourhood on the edge of town has some major advantages! The whole neighbourhood got together on the 4th and BBQ-ed. All the kids ran wild and then we all pooled our fireworks together for an awesome display. It was midnight before we walked back home again and the kids all slept until 10am the next day. I was unsure as to how Ben would do with all the noise - He's terrified (and I do mean TERRIFIED) of thunder. I told him this would be kinda like Diwali only American-style. He told me all about how Surekha-Aunty had taken him, Babbu, Makesh and Amir (all of the older boys at the orphanage) and they'd done sparklers. The fireworks were very familiar to him ...He knew exactly what to do and exactly when to stand back. Like every celebration he thought it was a birthday party (and there were cupcakes..haha), so we all had to sing Happy Birthday to America.
Saturday the 7th saw our lovely week go downhill big time. Georgia flew out to spend 4wks with her family in New Zealand and seeing those suitcases really unsettled Ben. I tried to be reassuring that she was only leaving for a "little time" but he wasn't buying it one bit. J ended up taking Georgia to the airport as Ben was not going to have me out of his sight. He was worried that I was going to go on the airplane too. After she left Molly cried, and Ben decided that he would join right in. After trying everything I could think of to reassure/comfort/distract him it was obvious nothing was going to work. We needed to head to the store to get "Bens milk" (soy milk) as we were out, so I figured I'd just bite the bullet and give it a go. He was unimpressed to be going anywhere and pouted for the first 30 minutes we were out of the house. I had to sit him in the cart as he refused to walk anywhere, but once we rolled past the mango's in the fruit and vege dept and I told him he could pick one to have he was all smiles. Mango's were definitely a treat at the orphanage. When we buy them he expects to be allowed just a little slice. To be allowed a whole mango at a time is like handing him a million dollars. He strapped his mango into the shopping cart beside him and babied it the rest of the way around the store. It even shared his seatbelt in the car on the way home! Apparently Mango's can buy you happiness!
Summer is definitely here! At last!! I've been trying desperately to resurrect the pool - The water is now a lot clearer, but still kinda cloudy. For as much money as I've spent on chemicals I'm starting to think it would have been cheaper just to drain it and refill it. I have 2 more bags of shock to use and if that doesnt clear it right up then I'm emptying all 10 000 gallons of it. Its pure torture for the kids to see the pool uncovered and not be allowed in it. Ben has been surprisingly good. He's curious about all that water, but not curious enough to want to climb in it yet.
We all had a great time on the 4th July. Living in a quiet dead-end neighbourhood on the edge of town has some major advantages! The whole neighbourhood got together on the 4th and BBQ-ed. All the kids ran wild and then we all pooled our fireworks together for an awesome display. It was midnight before we walked back home again and the kids all slept until 10am the next day. I was unsure as to how Ben would do with all the noise - He's terrified (and I do mean TERRIFIED) of thunder. I told him this would be kinda like Diwali only American-style. He told me all about how Surekha-Aunty had taken him, Babbu, Makesh and Amir (all of the older boys at the orphanage) and they'd done sparklers. The fireworks were very familiar to him ...He knew exactly what to do and exactly when to stand back. Like every celebration he thought it was a birthday party (and there were cupcakes..haha), so we all had to sing Happy Birthday to America.
Saturday the 7th saw our lovely week go downhill big time. Georgia flew out to spend 4wks with her family in New Zealand and seeing those suitcases really unsettled Ben. I tried to be reassuring that she was only leaving for a "little time" but he wasn't buying it one bit. J ended up taking Georgia to the airport as Ben was not going to have me out of his sight. He was worried that I was going to go on the airplane too. After she left Molly cried, and Ben decided that he would join right in. After trying everything I could think of to reassure/comfort/distract him it was obvious nothing was going to work. We needed to head to the store to get "Bens milk" (soy milk) as we were out, so I figured I'd just bite the bullet and give it a go. He was unimpressed to be going anywhere and pouted for the first 30 minutes we were out of the house. I had to sit him in the cart as he refused to walk anywhere, but once we rolled past the mango's in the fruit and vege dept and I told him he could pick one to have he was all smiles. Mango's were definitely a treat at the orphanage. When we buy them he expects to be allowed just a little slice. To be allowed a whole mango at a time is like handing him a million dollars. He strapped his mango into the shopping cart beside him and babied it the rest of the way around the store. It even shared his seatbelt in the car on the way home! Apparently Mango's can buy you happiness!
Monday, July 02, 2007
Bens "Crocodile"
I love this photo of Ben, as its just so "him". To compare the way he looks now to the way he did 3 months ago is unreal. He now has a little tummy, a real butt and cheeks!
Mummy, I caught you a Crocodile!
This whole working for a living gig sucks.
I'm missing out on the fun stuff. Now I'll admit that I'm onto a pretty good thing, only having to work J's days off, but still...
We've had some rearranging within the company that I work for, ... the regional manager got demoted and is now managing a store 15 minutes from here. In amongst this rearranging it was somewhere decided that I'd be better utilised working at this new store. Now I'm still only working a few days a week but wow, is it REALLY working. The disorganisation in this store is overwhelming. Things that should be done daily or at a push weekly havent been done for months. The overtime is going to be great, as there are just not enough hours in a normal work day to get done what needs to be done down there. This manager is a great guy and knows in theory all that should be done to make the place run smoothly .... Theory however is one very small part of things, and apparently thats where I come in.
In the meantime I'm missing all the fun. The older kids went with J's parents to the beach on Friday and J took the little 2 down for the day on Saturday ... (meanwhile I worked .... not that I'm bitter or anything... ..seriously ...not even just a teeny tiny frigin little bit bitter about missing out on a fun day at the beach) ... I digress.
Anyway, it sounds like they all had a fabulous time (while I was slogging it out juggling out of date paperwork and pissy customers ... not pissy, remember? Breathe in ...breathe out). They went crabbing and were nice enough to bring home a crab for me. Ben has crabs and crocodiles mixed up and proudly announced that he caught a crocodile and that we could share it for dinner...haha. J forgot the camera, so I'm waiting on my brother and sister in law to email me the photos that they took. In the meantime I have a couple that Georgia took with hers.
I'm missing out on the fun stuff. Now I'll admit that I'm onto a pretty good thing, only having to work J's days off, but still...
We've had some rearranging within the company that I work for, ... the regional manager got demoted and is now managing a store 15 minutes from here. In amongst this rearranging it was somewhere decided that I'd be better utilised working at this new store. Now I'm still only working a few days a week but wow, is it REALLY working. The disorganisation in this store is overwhelming. Things that should be done daily or at a push weekly havent been done for months. The overtime is going to be great, as there are just not enough hours in a normal work day to get done what needs to be done down there. This manager is a great guy and knows in theory all that should be done to make the place run smoothly .... Theory however is one very small part of things, and apparently thats where I come in.
In the meantime I'm missing all the fun. The older kids went with J's parents to the beach on Friday and J took the little 2 down for the day on Saturday ... (meanwhile I worked .... not that I'm bitter or anything... ..seriously ...not even just a teeny tiny frigin little bit bitter about missing out on a fun day at the beach) ... I digress.
Anyway, it sounds like they all had a fabulous time (while I was slogging it out juggling out of date paperwork and pissy customers ... not pissy, remember? Breathe in ...breathe out). They went crabbing and were nice enough to bring home a crab for me. Ben has crabs and crocodiles mixed up and proudly announced that he caught a crocodile and that we could share it for dinner...haha. J forgot the camera, so I'm waiting on my brother and sister in law to email me the photos that they took. In the meantime I have a couple that Georgia took with hers.
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