Infertile. Who, me?

Okay, back from my appointment, which I think, went fairly well.

First thing is that I will be getting an Endometrial Biopsy completed on Tuesday at 9:30 (When a woman is having a hard time becoming pregnant, an endometrial biopsy may be done to see whether the lining of her uterus can support a pregnancy) at which time I will also give blood to have a Karyotype test done for DH and I. (Karyotype is a test to identify and evaluate the size, shape, and number of chromosomes in a sample of body cells. Extra, missing, or abnormal positions of chromosome pieces can cause problems with a person's growth, development, and body functions. Karyotype can be done to determine whether a chromosome defect is preventing a woman from becoming pregnant or causing miscarriages. Determine whether a chromosome defect is present in a fetus. Karyotyping also may be done to determine whether chromosomal problems may have caused a fetus to be stillborn.) If this comes back and shows either of us have an unbalanced chromosome which causes frequent miscarriages then we would need to get PGD done to make sure we are only transferring embryos that prove to be normal.

I will also start Depot Lupron for 2 months on day 3 of my upcoming period. She don't want to start the cycle on that first period after being on Lupron because she wants my body's hormone level to get back right and allow my endometrium to get back right so that my lining is nice and plump for the next IVF. But I will be out of town at the time that period should be starting so she is going to start me on Provera Feb. 23 - March 2, once I stop that AF should start on March 5th and we're going to try Micro-Flare again.

She stuck to her guns about no Bravelle. She said they initially started with it because they got a butt load of it for free, but she had such horrible responses from it that she stopped using it even when she had a lot of the free meds left over. I expressed to her how I dislike Follistim and the response it gives me and she just said that she wanted to start me out on the max dose of meds on day 1 of stims instead of bumping me after 4 days of stims like they have done in the past. She said with this she is still trying to get the Flare effect from the lupron but by maxing out my meds in the begging she is hoping to get them growing quicker and faster in the beginning than at the end. She said last cycle I really didn't start getting a response till around the 8th day. So she hopes by maxing me out at the beginning that we can have a lot start to come up and then gradually reduce the meds and allow them to continue to grow. I asked why my E2 was so high last time and I only got 3 mature and she said the word for the day is PUSH. She said that's why I want to change it up and push you hard in the beginning so we can get a good response going instead of pushing you at the end. She said last time they triggered me when my largest was around 18 which normally works great for someone my age, and I was like yeah, but we've learn I don't respond like women my age and she said yes we have. The she said she really couldn't push me anymore at the end because my E2 was so high and she was afraid I would get sick. So she said next time she want my largest to be around 21 or 22. She then reiterated the push idea because she want big and fat follies when its time to trigger. Last day day 1-6 of my cycle I was on 225iu Follistim in the a.m. and 225iu Follistim in the p.m. So this time I will be on 300iu in the a.m. and 300iu in the p.m from the very beginning. So I lost the battle on the Bravelle thing. But we're going to try Gonal-F instead of Follistim. My nurse said they are basically the same exact things, but made by different people, so we can try that. Gotta do my research on that too.

Next thing is that I will be going on Heparin instead of baby aspirin. Gotta do more research on this to figure out why and why this would be beneficial to me.

That's about it for now...sorry so long.

I must say that I was very overwhelmed in the response I received from my post. I had no idea that so many people were thinking about me and waiting to hear from me. You know sometimes you post just to get it off your chest more like journaling (is that a word).....not really thinking that anyone is reading or really cares about what you're writing, but you ladies proved me wrong and I'm very thankful for all of you and very thankful for your thoughts and prayers!

Well I wish I had something interesting to write, but I don't....so hopefully I will have some good updates from my appointment on Thursday.

Thank you all very much for your well wishes and words of comfort. I know I just kind of disappeared and some of you were worried about me, so I decided to come on here and post an update. I haven't forgot about any of you and think of you often, just had to give myself time to get my head right.....ya know?

Well an update with me. I'm still feeling pretty anti-baby. I guess that was my way of dealing with my last disappointment. I've been totally okay with it being just DH and I and I'm not sure how long I will feel this way or if I will get bombarded by the intense desire to be a mom in a couple of months, couple of years or never. On Sunday I was looking at DH's benefits plan as he is in open enrollment now (we've been with my plan for the last 3 years) so I was looking at his plan to see if they had added anything new. They have. They added 4 IVF attempts and 6 IUIs. They had the IUIs before but not the IVF attempts. So we're going to switch to his insurance which starts up in January and my insurance ends in March. Now when I read that about the IVFs I can't lie, the itch to try again did come back so DH and I talked about it and he was like if we're going to do it we need to do it ASAP because we never know when the contract might change up. He is Army contractor so their contracts can change at anytime. So what I plan to do is go on Lupron for 3 months for my Endo then jump right into a cycle. So this should put me cycling in March 09 time frame. I called my nurse yesterday to tell her I wanted to go on Lupron and didn't want to get another surgery. Not sure if you remember but my doctor wanted to do another surgery after my last chemical. I don't think I need one yet because my periods are not painful like they have been in the past. But my nurse said I had to come do my failed IVF talk with the doctor first which I had been avoiding because I wasn't sure if we wanted to go any further with the IVFs, but when I got 4 free to use its kind of hard to pass that opportunity then always play that what if game in my mind if I didn't do it. So I scheduled the failed IVF consult for next Thursday. I plan to stick to my guns about no more Follistim and if my doc doens't want to put my back on the meds I was on the very first time, then I think its time to switch docs. We tried her way with the Follistim um....like 4 times so obviously my body doesn't like the Follistim and doesn't respond very well to it. So thats me and thats my update. (((hugs)))

Thanks Ladies. But as expected its over. My beta was 31 today. I'm going to be very distant from here for a while as we figure out what we're going to do, but will probably still read quietly to check up on everyone. I'm not sure what our next step is, but maybe we'll do the IVF Vacation in Europe.....or maybe we'll....I don't know. But anyway, thanks for the support.

220.9

They want me to stay on the meds and come back on Monday. Reason being they have another patient on the same DPO as me and her numbers are 146 today....so they want to see what happens with mine. They said we did put 4 in and they are hoping that maybe one will stay put because my numbers did start out so high.

But I know the truth....and they are just prolonging the truth from happening!

Thank you ladies for all your comforting words of support. I really do appreciate it.

Last night I reminded myself that before this cycle even began I put it into God's hands. So all I can do is pray about it and hope for the best. Tomorrow morning I shall know what is going on.

Back in beta hell again. Why can't this just be easy sometimes? Beta today was only 405. Nurse said they wanted to see it between 600 and 700 but they aren't alarmed yet. They think I had 2 try to implant and one didn't make it. This is a doubling time of 90.41 hours....no where near close to the ideal 48-72 hours.

I've been in this blah and horrible mood all day. I don't know what to think nor what to say or what to feel so I feel like I'm just going through the motions wishing for Thursday to be here already.

I checked betabase and the median for 18DPO for singleton pregnancies is 403 so I guess I am right in line with a singleton. As much as I just want one healthy baby I still can't help to be sad for the one that was trying to hang on and couldn't make it. My mouth speaks just a healthy baby but my heart longed for twins. But after all I've been through and 5 years of trying I should just take what I'm given and be happy and shut-up about it. I don't even know if I have one healthy bean in there, how can I be concerned about a twin that I never knew existed. My feelings are all jacked up and I just feel lost.

Any reassurance anyone can offer, I'm all ears.