Invisible Mother

For this round, anyway. I think I had my last draw for the immune tests today. Unless something else gets botched. I already had one batch of blood sent to the wrong lab, which was why I had to get a draw today at all. But if everything is now in order, I should be getting my results within a couple of weeks. I'll update again once I've had my consultation, but for now, I wait.

Luckily, I'll be busy, as my school-year volunteer work is all beginning to gear up. I can't remember if I mentioned this before, but, in addition to being a public school music teacher and a Sunday School teacher at my church, I'll also be running the church's newly started children's choir. I'm really excited about the choir, because it was started at the request of the kids. Which means they should all be there because they like to sing. Which should make my job easier. :-) Also, I'm being given pretty free rein to decide on things like timing and length of practice, appropriate music, and frequency of performances. So I can see what the kids can do, and adjust our schedule appropriately, and, hopefully, I won't have to deal with undo pressure to meet unrealistic, adult expectations of what the kids can do.

The biopsy is done. Thanks to Kate, and Mel's book, I knew to insist on pain relief. Taking a vico.den or val.ium was out of the question because I didn't know Dr. R. would do the test at my consult today. I even confirmed with the RI center that it wasn't yet too late in my cycle to have it done. So I took 4 adv.il, waited about an hour, and then Dr. R. did the biopsy. It was not painless. I was *very* glad I had taken the ad.vil, because it still hurt. But it was tolerable. And I'm glad to have it over with.

Now I just have two blood draws to schedule for next week--one for immune stuff and one for general stuff. And then it's just waiting for results. This is moving faster than I expected . . .

Thanks again for the support on my last post!

I just realized it's been a little over a year since I started this blog. And I have kind of come full circle in starting my new blog,* since this blog was private for the first six weeks I wrote it. I've actually been blogging under my real name a lot longer, but with all the IF/RPL stuff, I didn't (and still don't) want people IRL to find me . . .

I have also made a complete 180 shift in my attitude towards dealing with my IF/RPL. A year ago I was firmly against western treatment and ART (for myself, not necessarily for others). I thought that if we weren't pregnant with an ongoing pregnancy by June 2011 I'd be ready to move on to adoption. Instead, I'm having a full immunology workup which includes a lot of blood work and an endometrial biopsy.

This is a new level of testing for me. I know there are a lot of other tests out there that are far more invasive than the endo biopsy, but I'm still nervous. So I'm asking you wise ladies who have been their and done that for any advice on how to get through it and some honest descriptions of what I might expect. TIA

*Leave a comment with your e-mail if you want an invite. :-)

I read a quote somewhere recently (which, of course, I didn't bookmark and now can't find) about how some infertile people make friends with couples who have school-aged kids (and vasectomies) and therefore aren't going to be talking about babies or growing bellies, and that this is somehow okay, because the infertile person wants a baby, not a runny-nosed 6yo obsessed with the latest craze (at the time of the quote it was Pokemon--which really dates the source). And my first thought was, "Really? An infertile person could be okay hanging out with someone who has reproduced just because their kids are school aged?" Because that's not true for me. I want that 6yo almost as much as I want a baby. I love kids of all ages, shapes, and sizes. And, although it's extremely painful to see bellies and babies, it's also hard to see parents with toddlers and school-aged kids. Sometimes it even hits me hard to see a parent with a teen, because they look like family, and I know that if we become parents through adoption, my children might not look like me. Sometimes I even get a pang around people who's kids might be adopted . . . Because I just want to be a mom so much.

So I thought I'd run an informal pole. What types of families are painful for you to interact with (or even see in the grocery store)? Is it just the ones with obvious pregnancies or very young babies? Or is it anyone with kids? Can you be friends with someone who has older kids without constantly feeling jealous of their ability to reproduce? Does it change anything if you know the person struggled to get or stay pregnant? (It does for me--I'm more comfortable with someone who's "been through the mill" so to speak.)

Note: I want to know how you feel and how you deal with friends and family and socializing, but I don't want to hear that the way I feel is wrong, just because it's different from the way you feel. Personally, I think my ability to love and enjoy children of all ages is an asset, even if right now it makes going through IF/RPL a bit more painful for me than it might be for other people.

P.S. I've been posting a lot on my new, private blog. That's where most of the specifics of what I'm dealing with right now are showing up. If you want an invite, e-mail me at tls_with_woman (at) yahoo (dot) com.

I feel like I'm at staples. Turns out, making a new blog was easier than I thought. So the invites are out, the new blog is up. I'll be posting here occasionally, but if you want to follow the day to day stuff, let me know and I'll send you an invite. :-)

tls_with_woman (at) yahoo (dot) com

I also posted all my drafts from the past month on the new blog. So it starts with about 10 back-posts, but basically is a continuation of the story on this blog.