I cant believe how long it has been since I have actually taken the time to sit down and write.

I am healing from brain surgery at the moment. I had a condition called Arnold Chairi Syndrome. My cerebellum was being pushed down into my spinal cord and blocking my spinal fluid. I spent two weeks in the hospital for horrible head pain, and for them to try and figure out why such weird things were happening to me. I lost the movement in my right hand, and sometimes my right leg. I would be at home and forget were I was, or driving the car and in the middle of the intersection, forget how to drive the car. I had horrible head pain, burning and pinching. These are just a few of horrible side affects of this condition. Some days, speaking was hard, and my words were slurred. To many other awful and embarrassing ones to right.

A few days before my surgery I learned that they would have to shave most of my head. Which to me was a huge deal since I had been growing out my hair for almost three years. If you know me, you know how slow my hair grows and how hard I had worked at getting it long. Before Kari came over the cut off my hair, I knelt down in prayer and asked for strength. It may seem a silly thing to worry about having your hair cut off, but to me it signified so much more. The world would have us believe that our worth comes from our looks. Kari came over and cut my hair up about an inch above my chin. I thought I was going to cry, but at the moment I felt so near to my Heavenly Father. I didn't even shed a tear. I had an overwhelming feeling that I am a daughter of God. That my worth was what was inside, and not my outside appearance. Since surgery, I have only had one breakdown since loosing my hair. That was when Danes friend came over, and I felt ashamed for Dane. I felt so embarrassed that I was his wife. That his friends had to see what I had become. The weight my medicine had made my body gain, and the lack of hair that had once been on my head. Once again as I looked it the mirror, with hardly any hair to cover my plump cheeks, I cried. But now, not because of self pity, but because I knew I was a Daughter of my loving Heavenly Father. I knew it once again. I knew that this state of my body is not permanent. My hair will grow. My extra weight will be lost. I was thankful at that moment to know my worth, and to once again feel my Saviors love.

 Dr. Riechman did the surgery on July 28th and have already felt a huge relief of symptoms since the day of surgery. I cant even begin to explain the absolute agony that the pain has caused. Some moments all I have wanted to do is scream, punch the wall or cry. At some moments I did not understand how this pain would ever go away. Words cannot express the absolute terror and pain brain surgery causes. Some moments all I could do was to pray and ask Heavenly Father to take the pain away. At these moments, I have had an overwhelming understanding of the atonement. I have had direct inspiration that the Savior has experienced all the pain that I am feeling. I have also had direct inspiration that I am not alone. I have felt many times, Angels and the savior carrying me.

Before my surgery, Dane, Dick and my Dad gave me a blessing. A blessing of healing, and that I would be able to continue being a mother to my children. A blessing that Heavenly Father was proud of the woman that I am, and that I can continue to receive guidance and healing through studying the scriptures and the words of his servants. I am so grateful for the Priesthood and for the blessing that it is in my life. He also blessed me that through this difficult trial in my life, I would be able to reach out to others with understanding, and to provide help to them. I don't understand yet how, or when this will be fulfilled, but I am positive that it will.

Saying that this trial has been awful would be an understatement. I would not wish it upon anyone, but also,  I would not take it back. I have had such a growth in my own testimony. I have had many divine experiences that are to sacred to write in this journal. I save them for my own personal journal. I know that the veil is thin. I know that when we are worthy Heavenly Father allows angels to surround us. To lighten our burdens and provide us with comfort that only those on the other side of the veil can provide. I can say with every fiber of my being, I know that when we do work in our Heavenly Fathers temples, he allows those we have done work for, to surround us and provide us with comfort and protection. I cant wait for when I am feeling well enough, to go to the temple. I have had an unexplainable desire to return the Lords house and continue his doing work.

I have a long way to go, but am so much better than what I was. I am grateful for modern medicine, and the miracles that it provides.

The Savior loves us. He knows our all sorrow and pain. He bled through every pore for every one of us. If we have faith in him, he will carry us always. I know this know, more than ever.

I cant believe how time has gotten away from me. I wake up everyday with the best intentions of getting everything done. laundry, ironing, dishes, clean my whole house all while playing with my children and giving them all a lot of attention. Lets be honest, that doesn't happen. Ever. Life with these three little kids is stressful and tiring. However; they bring so much laughter and joy to my life. I cant imagine my life without each of them. Most days laundry piles up, the floor has crackers smashed in it and sticky fingerprints line the walls. I have learned to try my best at keeping up with those things, but to not let this time slip away. They are growing up so fast, a perfect house can wait. I saw this quote the other day and LOVED it.

 As of this moment, everyone is healthy. I couldn't be more grateful. Tate was in the hospital for 4 days for RSV. I was more on edge this time around because all the horrible memories of watching Berkley struggle when she was only 3 weeks, flooded my mind. Tate has such a special spirit about him, that I cant imagine my life without him. Even being so sick, my little man brought so much joy and peace to the staff at the hospital. Gosh I love him.

Rafe is doing so well in school. He makes friends so easily and is so bright. He is taking piano and has such natural talent. He has lost 2 teeth in the last week, and looks like he got in a jail fight. It is so cute. He loves reading the scriptures everyday as a family and doesn't let us forget. He knows Jesus Christ and is such a strong example for good in our home. He is my little buddy, and we laugh all day. 7 is such a fun age. He finally gets a lot of my jokes, and jokes back. ( FINALLY!) He talks about his mission almost daily.

Berkley is as Berkley as ever. She skips and dances almost everywhere she goes. She sings 50% of the words that come out of her mouth. She is such a help with Tater. Her big thing lately is taking her babies around everywhere with her. She gets them in trouble a lot, feeds them, kisses them and never wants to leave their side. Her hair is getting so long- she tells me its "getting long like Tangled." She starts up Ballet again this week because she begs and begs. She practices daily, and loves having me stretch her legs and teach her technique. She is pure Sunshine. Everywhere we go, strangers gravitate to her. She is " Danes cupcake."

Life is so good. It is hard, but isn't it suppose to be? Most of the time, I am kind of clueless/air headed about our trials. But don't you have to be? What is the point of sitting and worrying constantly, biting all my nails off and eating everything in my pantry? That would make a ugly handed, grumpy, chubby version of me and I don't think I would like that very much. ( and lets be honest, neither would my dear sweet man.) We are all given things to test us, and I am constantly reminded that it can always be worse. Our life is so blessed, and we have so much. I am sealed to the man of my dreams. I have three beautiful children who love their parents and the Savior. We have the gospel, and we strive as hard as we can to live it.
LIFE IS SO GOOD.