Bits and pieces of what I am

Words can cut where knives can't.

Sometimes I wished I didn't see what I saw.
It doesn't go away.

Let me know, don't let me wonder.
Because my curiosity can kill us.

This feeling has to stop.

As hard as I convince and force on myself that we shall see how things goes,
there's the inevitable going concern.

I don't know if I can keep up.
I just wish for your hand to hold on to.

It was all about you.
But I do hope it'll be all about me once in a while.

Time is passing by so fast, don't go with it.

I will try no matter what. I don't want to give up again.

To understand and to do something about it are two separate matters.
I guess you understand.
But it stops right there.

inevitable distance.
Uneasy.

Would you still be there?

You've been told of my weakness.
Would you understand?

__________________________

The very first reason it was you,
don't let it fade away.

Knowing that you're still you.

Everything that matters breaks in two.

the 13th of August.
Do you remember?
It was this day that was.

You won't have the time to be here.
Even if you do, this will still be unread.
If anyone could understand, I think nobody would.
Not bothered?
Just forgotten.
____________________________________________________

The past isn't anything if you don't care about the present or the future.
The present can vary from the past, and the future based on the present.

The reason and purpose of this is all forgotten.

"It's getting harder and harder to breathe"

Sometimes I wished somethings will stay the same. Not sometimes, always.
I'm feeling something is missing already.

Nights I spend sitting here, waiting for something.
I've gotten so used to the fact that it comes every night since almost a year ago.
But lately it's changing.
It's just a small detail, but sometimes the smallest details mean alot too.
I don't want to get used to this.
Never. Don't force me to.
I'm still waiting.

Exactly 365 days since your actions first convinced me of who you really are.

It was, on that day, for the first time.

Sometimes we know we shouldn't, but we just can't help it.
It haunts me.
Disturbs me.
My thoughts run wild, my imagination spills everywhere.
All over the same things, things of the past.
The past doesn't really matter anymore, with everything already said and done.
But the thoughts of how the past paved a way to what the future may be is another thing.
I shouldn't, but I just can't help it.
Stupid things to do.

Some riddles can never be solved,
some mysteries can never be unraveled,
some questions can never be answered.
No one can help me with this, but myself.
I'm on my own.

Epvcu zpv fwfs dpnf cz ifsf. Ep zpv?
I get rather upset when some things are slowly being forgotten, like the little things that are special. Well, used to be special.
Zpvst are never forgotten, but njof?
Do you even know what I'm talking about?

Some moments of the past we'd want to relive,
some moments of the past that we wish we could erase.
No matter what, the past stays as it is.
The past would be nothing but what brought us here today, and a distant memory.


I'm very immature. Naive.
I wish you would keep the same things of the past just like I am doing, but I guess you don't, probably won't. It's just a small matter, why bother? =)

I haven't blogged this early in the morning for a long time now.
I wish understanding was much easier.
I wish for so many other things, including you but we never know what tomorrow brings.

I'm not supposed to, but I envy, even when I'm on the higher ground.
Boy am I so selfish.
Maybe for once, I'm not on the higher ground anymore. Just too low to reach.
Maybe just for now, but who knows?

Time for bed.
Mornin'.

I'm falling apart.
Falling.

I'm wondering if this blog ever gets read. Do you read it? maybe not.

The strong should help the week, expecting them to be stronger by themselves is not a solution;
I'm so broken up. Will you fix me or leave me by myself?

literally close, but you're starting to leave. It was not like this. Not all the time.

Patience. I lost yours. It's halfway gone.

Sometimes I just want to shout out loud, punch this screen, just tear everything up.
Are we heard?
Is there a use to reason?
who will hear?
Reason or merely an excuse?
Who will trust us?

If you do something wrong, and you do not reason it out, what then?
Just say nothing?
There's gotta be more than just an apology.
But reasons seem more like excuses over time.
And eventually, no reason is heard.

To remain in the silence? or to speak out and reason when all you reasoned out is seen as only an excuse? Either way don't they end up with bad outcomes?
No one is perfect, what then?

SERIOUSLY. I JUST. PWEHIFNAIJWIEFJOWEIFJ CMSIEFJSPDJXCFKLSDF
NKACLSJ
DFLASCVJSDKLFCVDCVD
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After so many years, here I am once again blogging in the wee hours of the morning.
It's been a while and I noticed my blog is starting to die, it's probably too slow paced and cumbersome for people to read rather than the fast paced updated facebook.

oh well. Anyways exams are halfway done. I did what I've been doing since I was young, making sure my maths would be top notch. This year was really scary. Imagine not being able to do what you enjoy doing so much. The feeling that you can't do anything at all.

I even went through old posts and blogs I used to read. And I just realized how bad I am, as a friend to everyone.
Sometimes we try so hard to help someone, give advice and hope, it ends up hurting them more and we end up getting them into a more painful situation than the one before.
Imagine. And how many things have happened because of what I've done?
I can remember very clearly ever since I was 15, it all began.
Ruining things that come into my hands, letting opportunities slip past, making everyone leave in the end, burden everyone, make myself look pathetic.
This.. other side.
I can smile as easily as possible, even for no reason.
But we never know sometimes, it is possible otherwise.
Yes, being upset so easily, sometimes for no reason at all.
You're probably thinking "WHAT? what kind of guy is this." or "emo guy, dunno what's his prob."
I have a very big problem, true. I have a low EQ. explains alot?
Just anything at all can bring me down easily especially things that matter to me the most.

Anyway forget what I just said, it's just crap. as my blog url says so.
I've been through so much this one and a half year in college. Honestly I haven't been this strong, nor this weak before.

Still wondering what to do with my blog.

Time to get a wink of sleep. Goodnight.


Building and demolishing,
lift up, pull down,
heal, hurt,
no one can be two at once,
or else those that come will leave.. eventually.

Cause I just can't look its killing me
And taking control.
Sometimes it's inevitable, that I'll end up being Mr. Brightside.

In ruins.

Almost lost what I tried so hard to get, what I tried so long to get.
Almost..

Holding something so priceless. So fragile.
It's already in your hands.
You don't hold on to it properly and it falls on the floor.
You're lucky it cracks (to which extent you're not sure yet) instead of shattering into pieces which you would be then losing it for good.
Broken pieces to fit back the same way.
Is it cracked? dented? How much? we don't know.
But if it falls again, it won't be what it used to be anymore.

But that's not the point. The point is if you ever let it get damaged, you don't deserve it.
I'm feeling undeserving of this.
This is, for the first time in my life, I've been given grace from a person.

Something wrong? no. Everything's wrong with me.

Am I not in the picture?

Everyone is busy.
But take a second to reflect on ourselves how we've been no matter what the circumstances.

Take a breather and think for a moment.

How would you feel if someone starts treating you the way you treat them?
Would you hate them because it's something unpleasant?
or would it be something that you'd feel good about?

If everyone around you started acting like you, would everyone get along?
Or would everyone distance themself from each other, not being able to get along?

Think once, yet-to-be-bloomed comfort.
Think twice, secrets hidden deep.

Trust. A word easy to say, but the deeds to convince us is hard to come by.

Sometimes we want to trust, we convince ourselves to give it a shot.
One shot that could either bring benefits, or just hurt us.

Sometimes we mistrust people because we've failed to see the truth in them.

Mistrust is my bestfriend because Trust hasn't shown up.

Convince me.

each time I listen to this song, it brings me back to those July-August days.
It makes me miss those days.




Back to those days where I didn't realize I was falling for you.

This is honestly the first time I'm feeling something that has happened over one year.
It's exactly 1 year since I came to Mas1.
Everything I've been through.
I've never missed the old days as much as I do now.
Perhaps it's because we've 3 weeks left to our exams and after our exams, we'll probably never see each other again.
Fun and drama, it made the entire year a roller coaster, but rather memorable.
Memories of all the fun, scars of all the pain, how could I forget this one year after everything that has happened?
_________________________________________

Songs that bring back memories.
Memories so strong, like it were only yesterday.
But how sad it is that yesterday is already long gone, and tomorrow will never be the same as today and yesterday.

Reopening my blog to the general public.

Mock exams are coming just right up, and I'm not going to do well for it at all.
A2, is something I will work my brains out for.
An exam I'll work really hard.. really really hard, for the first time in my life.
Which is not a good thing. -_____-

Convince me that you'll give it your all and not give up no matter what happens,
You'll have my word I'll give it everything I have.
Because, with complete honesty, you're unlike any other.
Losing you.. would be a nightmare so hard to forget.
A fear.
A great loss.

Wish you would just hear me out.
Explanations, not excuses.

Fear to do or say.
I don't know now.

It's just a feeling. It doesn't matter. right?

Only 1 word can describe what I'm feeling.
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I don't think I can bear it if it happens again.
To go through everything all over again.
Not that I'm sure it'll, but i'm having a feeling it might.. eventually.

The fear was always there, but was distant.
Now at this very moment, it's starting to get closer.
Its effects stronger by the second.
The fear of history repeating itself again, one way or another.

It's not happening, but I'm starting to feel it.
Prove my senses wrong because I can't.
I don't know how to.
I'm lost.

Was never like this, until the twist came in.
I can't stand how things are.
Are they temporary or permanent?
If they're permanent, I can't take it.
Never will.

Fragile like a piece of china.
Who likes that feeling?
It all begins with a crack.

Failure.
Scars.
Kpugewtkva.

I think I'm losing.

Hoping it'll never be.

Sometimes we can't undo the things that has been done.
There's no rewind button.
Nothing we can do to reverse the effect of our actions.
Actions that bring about negative effects in our lives, effects strong enough to leave a scar.
This is where regret comes in.
Wishing and hoping we could go back in time to prevent what has happened from happening.
And to me.. It's a time where Daughtry's Used To plays on my mind.
The worse thing to have as the root of the problem, is character.
And that's the root to this problem.
Gigantic problem.

Another new month, but the same feelings.
The feelings that never changed but only grew stronger.
Feelings for that one person who means so much to me.
The only person that made everything brighter for me, starting with April 2010.
The one person to always pull me down to Earth each time I soar up too high.
The only person who knows me much more than anyone has ever known.
The one person whom I find has many things in common with me.
The only person who makes me smile when I'm sad,
or just makes me smile even wider when I'm already smiling.
The one person who I am reminded of when most of the songs in my playlist is played.
The only person who watches out for me, and to show concern for me.
The one person who has made me change so much, for the better.
The only person who plays with me and is my main source of laughter.
The one person who loves me as much as I love her, maybe even more.
The one person whom I'll regret if I ever let her go.
The only person who has my heart.
The one and only girl I'd keep by my side.
The one and only girl I love.
The girl whom I'd do it all over again for.
And that person is you, my sayang.

Happy New Month, Franciska Kim. :)

One sentence breaks one world in two.
What else can be done when a million words have been said but still unable to put it all back together again?
There are wounds that never heal. Never seem to.
------------------------------------------------------------

Sacrifice.
People never know how much has come from you.
When you tell them, they see it as a complaint.
When you keep silent, they take everything you do for granted.

To keep in mind that we should do all we can with all our determination and with sincerity to our own limits to give them what they need, not let them push us around to meet with their demands instead.
Or else we will be taken for granted. stepped on. trampled upon. smitten. Forgotten.

I always end up not being able to speak my mind especially in such short period of time or just no time at all.
It's a bad trait I have.
One that I wish I never had.
I wish it could just stop.
That this slow thinking and brain intepretation lag would just clear off.
I lack efficiency.
One that I once had.
I want to make this all right again, before it gets awry.

The only thing that gets me feeling like this.
Some things change, some things just never change.
What about this?

There's 2 parts to the thing I'm planning to do.
I want to leave. I plan to. I intend to.
But as I leave, I'll bring you along with me.

I'm setting my blog on private from now on. seems like everyone is doing that to me. IM me or email me or just text me by this Sunday midnight and i'll grant the permission. There are exceptions however..

It's been almost everyday now.
Don't know why this is happening.

It's the new year, but I guess some things just never change no matter what.