It is written in the stars above

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas. I hope Santa brings you all kinds of goodness!!
Love,
Astral

I went to E's school to get her homework and art projects. Her teacher put oatmeal and glitter in a bag and called it Magic Reindeer Food. You sprinkle it on your lawn to let Santa know there's a kid in your house. Guess who thinks he's a reindeer?

I have to make more. E would be devastated to know Logan ate the reindeer food.

After praying to St. Jude for nine days one is to publish your request. My request is I want to get pregnant with a healthy baby boy. Funny that this blogger, Iambossy asked what I really wanted for Christmas.

Imagine my surprise and excitement when I came home from Lancaster and found a package! I opened it up and found my presents from my Secret Santa: JJ!! I loved all my goodies and the bag is perfect for keeping my supplies for doing crafts!! Thank you JJ!! I can only knit scarves but I will show you how. It's very comforting and relaxing. When things slow down here I will learn how to read patterns so I can make really cool things.

P.S. I messed up my gift for my Secret Santa. I signed my card Secret Santa instead of my name. I thought we would be doing the reveal on our blogs. I'll be looking for my recipient so I can tell her it was me.

This weekend was alot of fun. We went to Lancaster to see a show and take in the wonderful Dutch food and sights. It was nice for us to do because we don't get out much due to me being in school and working on the weekends.
The show was called Voices of Christmas at the Living Waters theater. A collaboration of Christmas carols and songs complete with the history behind them. There was dancing, acting and live animals. I especially liked the donkey. He was very sweet and looked so soft.
Being in Amish country there were plenty of horse and buggies. I loved seeing them. The click clock sound of their shoes on the pavement announcing their presence was music to my ears. E wanted to take a ride but it was very cold and she's getting over being sick.
Our hotel was very nice too. We stayed at a Country Inn & Suites. They had hot tea and coffee available whenever you wanted some, a lending library and a room where you can read or play checkers. I highly recommend it. There was something funny about our room: the toilet. Whenever you flushed it, the power of the flush was so great you thought you were going to get sucked in.
I was on a hunt for a Mission buffet or sideboard. I wanted it to have doors so I could store my linens and liquor. We went to four or five places before finding a Mission hutch. We asked if they would just sell us the bottom and they said sure. It is beautiful! Eventually I want to get a Mission dining set, bookcases, end tables and a bedroom set.
I am going to look up online about the Amish and Mennonite cultures. Their simple lives interest me. Does anyone have a good site or book to read about them?
We're definitely going back when the weather is warmer for a buggy ride and a tour of a working Amish farm.









Logan and buffet.










I put a nice Christmas runner and decorated
with our Nativity scene and antique Christmas
trees.

I got my grades from Bloom-all A's. I maintain my 4.0. And because I carried a full load this time I made Dean's list. This from a person who never cared about grades since the 5th grade. Now I make myself sick if I don't get an A. How crazy is that?
I'm almost done Christmas shopping. I got alot done today. I shopped today for my family and E's teachers. T.arget had some stuff as did Ba.rnes and Nobles. I love those stores. I had a chai tea at B & N. It makes meandering around the store so much better. Are you done or close to being done with Christmas shopping?
I'm still down about my friend's news. It makes me sick that soon she will be feeling the baby and I'm dealing with Aunt Flo (how about them apples? and she was 3 days late). My dream is her nightmare. I bought a card to send to her. I'm going to tell her that I'm happy for her and that I'm there for her as always. I just keep thinking soon it will be me. Soon. I just really, really want a baby. So bad it hurts.
We've decided to take out enough money to cover one cycle. Next year, when I (hopefully) have my teaching job we'll have money to do a f.et if needed. I hope we won't have to.
I had my pain management appointment on Monday. Four needles filled with steriods into my spine. The needles hurt but I did okay. In 7-10 days I should know whether or not it worked. If it did work I wouldn't need to take the muscle relaxers and anti-inflammatories.
I'm going to watch tv for a little bit and go to bed. I didn't sleep too good last night.
I started reading David Sedaris upon recommendation from a friend. He's really funny.
This Christmas book contains six essays. I almost peed my pants during the one about his job as an elf at a department store. It will lift your spirits!

I called a friend of mine, a close friend, about the bar schedule. I had some questions for her. And after we chatted about that she asked me, "Guess who's pregnant?" Now, we all know how much I hate this question. I don't wish any ill will toward the pregnant person but I get so upset and mad and angry. I said I don't know. She told me it was her. I asked if she was sure. So sure in fact, that's in her fourth month. She also told me that she didn't want this pregnancy. She's 38 and her two children are much older (one is in 3rd grade and the other I believe is in 7th) She told me she was done after she had her second. She also told me that she was afraid to tell me. That made me feel bad. This friend is terrific and she's seen me through some really rough times and I would never say or do anything to hurt her feelings. She's a wonderful person. But it was nice that she considered my feelings. She asked if we were pursuing i.vf and I told her yes. I had to get E for our dentist appointment so I couldn't talk long and I told her I would call her tomorrow.
Fast forward to the dentist's office (after me crying in the car all the way there). There are two hygienists there. One comes back to get E. A little bit later the PREGNANT one comes to get me. God sure has a sick sense of humor. Thank goodness E was done with her checkup because that hygienist did my checkup. She asked me if I was okay and I told her about my friend. She already knew about us trying to have a baby.
Anyway, my Dad said him and my Mom have been praying for us. When they were in Md they even put a note in the St. Jude shrine I get upset also that I'm going to have to pay out of pocket at least $15k for something I don't even know will work.
Thank you for listening to me. Only you understand.

I have been on the anti-inflammatory and mild muscle relaxers for two days and I feel great!! It doesn't hurt when I cough or sneeze. I can roll over in bed and it's pain free. I feel like a new woman. I could shout from the rooftops I'm so happy!! Who knew? I believe the pain management will go just as well. That's Dec 15.
I.v.f news--M is going to schedule all of our appointments (sonohystegram, i.vf sperm analysis and financial planner) during the week between Christmas and New Years. We'll both be off. It would be great if we can do them all on one day (the fertility clinic is over an hour away). I'm getting excited. I'm so grateful that I'm getting better and we are getting our ducks in a row. I.vf seemed so far away and now it's within reach.
I must go finish studying for my cumulative math final. Egad it's 24 chapters. The final is on Monday. I have one other final--Learning and Assessment--on Thursday. After that it will celebration time!!

As per request here is the yummy dressing recipe:

Cornbread & Apple Dressing

Makes 16 servings
Working time: 25 mins Total time: 2 hrs

1 lb sweet Italian ( or any sweet sausage)
5 tablespoons unsalted butter
1 cup finely chopped red bell pepper
2 cups finely chopped yellow onion
2 cups chopped celery
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper
4 cups cornbread, crumbled (I buy it in a bag. I think Pe.pperridge Farms makes it.)
4 cups fresh bread crumbs (from a bag or 10 slices country bread)
2 Granny Smith apples, peeled, cored and diced
1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley
2 tablespoons chopped fresh sage (I use dried Sage as I can never find the fresh. A rule of thumb when using dried: use a third of the amount of dried as you would the fresh)
2 teaspoons dried thyme
1 cup low sodium chicken broth (use more if you need it)

Heat the oven to 350 degrees. Remove the casings and crumble and brown the sausage in a large non stick skillet over medium high heat--about 10 mins. Remove and set aside the sausage and reserve 1 tablespoon of fat. Melt 2 tablespoons of butter with the fat, add the peppers, onions, celery, salt and black pepper, cook over medium low heat until vegetables are soft--about 15 mins. Toss in the sausage, cornbread and bread crumbs, apples, parsley, sage and thyme. Transfer to a 9 x 13 inch baking dish (I use two), pour the broth over the dressing and dot with remaining butter. Bake until the dressing is heated through and golden about 1 1/2 hours.

Everyone enjoys this dressing. When we started to have Thanksgiving at our house with all of our family I wanted to put my own stamp on holiday favorites. This recipe came from one my favorite magazines Country Living.
Enjoy!

My appointment on Friday with my neurosurgeon went alright. No back surgery. I am going to try pain management, anti inflammatory and muscle relaxers. It is going to be trail and error. I didn't want back surgery so that was good news. I asked him if my back was strong enough to support a pregnancy and he said YES!! So I'm going to call in my scrips tomorrow and schedule an appt with the pain management doc. I'm hopeful that this will work. And the sooner it works the sooner we can move on to i.vf.
I got my placement for student teaching. I will be in the same district where I've done my observations and internship. Unfortunately I will not be with the class I'm in for my internship (which would have been great because I know the students and teacher). But it's about 5 mins from my house and I will be with the same teacher/class for the whole semester. Bloom likes student teachers to have two placements (one in k-3 and the second 4-6 grade) so they can get a feel for the younger and older grades. But this school district did not have enough teachers to provide two placements. Fine by me.
Thanksgiving was great. I hope everyone had a good one as well. M deep fried two turkeys (they were sooooo good) and smoked one. We had sour cream mashed potatoes, homemade cornbread and apple stuffing (I made that), sweet potato casserole (I really enjoy those), homemade Deep Dish Apple pie (I made that too, it was delicious. I can put up the recipe if anyone's interested.) and cranberry sauce. The whole family came over. It was nice to see everyone. The only thing I didn't like was that my mil announced M's cousin's sex of her baby. I did NOT need to hear that. I can understand her wanting to tell her family, but in my house that was tactless. I cried. According to her this cousin tried three months to have a baby and that's considered having feritlity problems. They have no idea what it's like to be infertile.

I am a Nervous Nelly. I worry alot. It takes me along time to fall asleep because instead of relaxing I think about, well,everything. This week my big focus is on my appointment with the neurosurgeon. What is he going to say about my back? Will I need surgery? If so what kind? What is the recovery time? Will I ever be able to support a pregnancy? (if I can get pregnant) Will my back get worse? And the list goes on. Thanksgiving is a few days away and I will be hosting dinner. I can't wait for it to be over just so I can (hopefully) get my answers.
I have been keeping busy. Yesterday I steam cleaned the carpets in my entire house. Yes, all three floors. I washed all the laundry too. Then M and I watched Weeds. We are rewatching Seasons 1-3. We don't get Show.time and can't wait for Season 4. Just trying to bide our time.
I'm off to Teaching Math class. It's so boring. I wish math weren't so boring.

Music is such an important part in our lives. We celebrate with music, mourn with music, and remember important facts with music. Listening to a song can transport us back in time or make us feel happy or sad. Such a powerful force. I like many different kinds of music. I grew up on The Beatl.es, grew up a little bit more to Depeche Mode and The Cure in high school, also The Mighty Mighty Bosstones and U2.
While working on my unit plan for math I hooked up my headphones to the computer and typed in The Cure on youtube. What a good time!! I enjoy Robert and his melancholy voice. One song in particular transports me back to 1992 when Ellen, Sarah, Sabrina, my Dad (he was our chaperone) spent the whole day in Philly on South Street (our favorite store was Zipperhead) and then went to see The Cure: From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea. It was such an amazing experience! I sang and danced my heart out.
My birthday present this year from Chachi was to go see The Cure again in Philly. I was impressed that after so many years they still had it. Robert and the boys still had it! They really enjoyed themselves on the stage and did multiple encores.
What music transports you to another time?


The Cure "From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea"

With every cycle I have hope. I know that we have less than a 3% chance of getting pregnant on our own but I can't help but think "this could be it". Hope is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. To hope is to wish for something with the expectation of the wish being fulfilled, a key condition in unrequited love. I like to think when we will get pregnant not if. Af did show up yesterday. After 3 1/2 years one would think that I wouldn't be surprised. But I was. Because I have hope.

My weekend was pretty good. How was yours? I had off from the og Friday night (always yay! for that), Saturday night at the bar was crazy busy but very profitable and Sunday I had off to go to a baby shower (yucko). It was for a girl I work with. This is the one who lost her little girl due to anencephaly. I sat with my fellow og mates and caught up with the goings on in their lives. It was nice to see everyone but seeing all that baby stuff and multiple pregnant women was too much. I couldn't wait to come home.
My very talented husband made Rita Kennedy's famous Irish baked potato soup. It's a soup that I used to get at a restaurant in Blooms.burg called Russell's. I won a cookbook and a cooking lesson with the owners (a couple). How cool is that? I'm so glad I have the cookbook because the wife passed away a couple of months ago and right before that they sold the restuarant. That made me very sad because it was my favorite place to eat since I was little.


Rita Kennedy's Famous Irish Baked Potato Soup

2 quarts chicken stock
4 large baked potatoes, diced (leave skins on)
1 quart heavy cream
1 large onion, cleaned and diced
1 tablespoon fresh garlic
1/2 stick unsalted butter
kosher salt and black pepper to taste
8 ounces sour cream
1 pound bacon, cooked and diced
16 ounces cheddar cheese
roux (1/2 melted butter to 1/2 flour)

Saute onion in butter, in saute pan, until transparent. Add garlic to onion and cook for 2 minutes. In large soup pot bring chicken stock and potatoes to a boil. Add onion mixture to soup pot and cook for one minute. Add heavy cream to soup pot and heat, do not boil. Thicken with roux (about 1 1/2 cups).
Ladle soup into bowls, add cheddar cheese, bacon and a dollop of sour cream on top.
Yield 8 servings (It made a huge bowl. I don't know how they figure out their servings. )

We got the invoice for the i.vf. 9200--covers all the procedures, icsi, and embryo freezing. The meds should be around 5k. I so wish that Pa would cover treatments. I know of two companies that pay for some treatments but I do not forsee myself quitting school and my jobs to work for them. Maybe a fairy godmother or a very generous tipper can come into play now.

The re's office called me today. A very nice nurse named Kate spoke with me about what is to happen next. Information about i.vf and cost will be mailed to us. It is after we begin payment that M's special i.vf sperm analysis and a sonohysterogram will be done on me. M is worried that his numbers are going down but I explained to him that as long as he is making some swimmers we should be okay. She asked me when we would like to start and I explained to her about my back. Nov 28 should bring some answers. I'm so ready to go and I hate waiting. But what am I going to do.
I do have other things going on. A unit plan for math, a virtual reality field trip to make for social studies and my p.raxis II are on Nov 15. I'm doing good with my weight. I'm within ten pounds of my goal weight for ww. Physical therapy is alright. I do a pool workout when I go and finish up with ultrasound, electric shock and a massage. It's not making the spasms go away. Sometimes my back feels so weak. The pt is supposed to make my back muscles stronger with the stretching and exercises but it's not really helping.
I stayed up to watch the election results. I am very tired today. The dogs and I all took a nap in the basement. Mine was about 15 mins. I can't wait to go to bed tonight!

It is my birthday!! I'm so excited because it's my special day! I worked this morning and I voted. Now I'm here at home. I'm going to have some lunch and relax. Then it's our appt. with the re. Hopefully we'll have a plan to go with when we leave. I'll post an update later.
Me and Chachi at Balloon Festival

Update:
The meeting went as expected. The re was very nice and warm. I really liked talking with her. They do want a special kind of analysis done on our swimmers, some kind of i.vf analysis. She asked if we knew we were headed in the way of i.vf and we said yes. She gave us the run down on what i.vf is and how we get to that point. A refresher for me but I'm glad she explained it to M. Based on the new analysis we will know if i.csi is needed. She gave us a 40% success rate with regular i.vf and 60% success rate with i.csi. Now I have more waiting--my nov 28 appt with my neurosurgeon. I have to find out how my back is-- specifically do I need surgery and can my back handle a pregnancy. More waiting. But like my husband said--you need a good foundation before we can tackle a pregnancy. I pray to God that we figure out what to do with my back and get it to where it should be.
We went out to dinner at one of my favorite Ch.inese restaurants where we ate cruncy noodles w/duck sauce, shrimp tempura, sweet and sour shrimp. I drank tea until I floated out of the restaurant. I was born in the year of the Rabbit. I married a Boar--which is said to be my perfect match. My Mom is a Rabbit who also married a Boar. This year they are celebrating 39 years of marriage. I think that's pretty amazing!

In the two classrooms I'm in as a TSS there is a pregnant aide in each. Alright this stuff happens. Today I get the news that in one of the classrooms the teacher is three months pregnant. Oh my gawd I wanted to crawl in a hole and cry. I felt like someone punched me in the stomach.
I can't wait for our RE appointment next Tuesday. I want to schedule my IVF w/ICSI NOW. Make that yesterday.
I was in T.arget last week for odds and ends. I hear a child crying. Then I hear why he's crying--the mother screaming at him. And she wasn't just screaming at him she was saying things to him like f*** y** and asking him if she scared the sh** out of him. She had another little boy with her. I'm going to have to do major fertility treatments and God gives her two. I know it's not my place to understand but I so want to understand--just a little.

Happy Birthday to my best friend Magnus!! He is 10 yrs old today. I can't believe it. It seems like yesterday my Mom and Dad brought him home. He was so little he needed help up the front steps. Magnus was a well fed puppy--his belly was so big that when he went to scratch his ear he couldn't reach it.

Happy Birthday Magnus!! Thank you for being my best friend!!
Love,
Susan

I'm sick. We call it having the bug in my family. I knew my schedule was going to be crazy with my two jobs, three classes, an internship and helping Elisabeth with her school and keeping up with the house (kinda) would be a lot but I didn't think it would hit this soon.

I couldn't wait until Jan 5 for my RE appointment so I bumped it up to Nov 4 (my birthday!). It's an initial consultation but I already know our diagnosis and what we have to do. I expect to get right down to the nitty gritty and talk IVF w/ICSI details.
I have my evaluation for my back this Tuesday. And then I begin P.T. I hope this will bring answers and some kind of relief for my back. Yesterday I had a terrible day with pain. I was getting into my car and it went into spasms. What fun.
I just want my back to be good and I want a baby. Is that too much to ask for?

This is my tiki bar. My husband bought for me after our first IUI was canceled (my gyno went on vacation and didn't tell me). We sit here in the summer evenings sipping our beverages and listening to B.uffett who can transport you to another world. It's our little escape where we can relax and hang out with our friends. M and myself have spent plenty an evening just catching up with each other.

With three classes, an internship, my old job at the big OG and my new job as a TSS life is very full for me at the moment. My client today was absent from school and that afforded me the ability to come home and get some things done around the house. I also signed up for my Pr.axis II exams for Nov 15. Another hurdle to cross to become a teacher in Pa.
My co-op teacher for my internship is writing a letter to my chairperson requesting me to student teach with her for one of my assignments (BU does two assignments--one with K-3 and the other 4-6 so you can have experience with different grades. I know some colleges that only give you one assignment.) I hope they let me. I am familiar with the school and I've developed a relationship with my teacher and students. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
I have to call my neurosurgeon (never thought I would be using those words) to schedule an appointment for my back. It acts up with spasms now. The constant pain has subsided. So in a way it's better but I'm not fine 'n dandy.
We have an appointment with a local RE to discuss IVF w/ICSI 0n Jan 5. They could have seen us sooner but I need to get done with this semester and pass my Pr.axis. I'm really looking forward to that. I hope to be cycling as soon as student teaching is over. I really liked that No Swimmers asked for advice for a new Ifer. While I'm not new to the world of IF I am new to IVF. I appreciated the advice people wrote.
I finally have the chance to go to bed early and I'm taking it. Who knew that going to bed early was so exciting?

This sign is front of my best friends' cottage. Her parents have a cottage and every year we would spend our summer's there. Everyone's cottage looks the same at this campground (it has a bunch of cottages, a meeting house, hiking trails, and a dirt road you drive/ride bikes on, a pond and an outside church). It's a place where you can have coffee with the neighbors, go to a corn roast and go swimming in the pond. We had a blast growing up there. We would leave after breakfast and go swimming or riding our bikes. We did break for lunch and dinner but other than that her parents hardly saw us. We grew very close to each other and learned about ourselves. Our summers grew from playing in the sand to checking out the boys staying in the campground. I'm so glad she has a cottage now that we can escape to. It's like recapturing a little bit of my youth.



Chachi making breakfast. Hi Chachi!! She makes the best chocolate chip pancakes.

Chachi's cottage at night. It reminds me of Key West.





Chachi painting clay pots brown so she wouldn't have to wash them. There are always craft projects going on at the campground.
This is Chachi making M.ojitos. The campground is "dry" but you would never know it at Chachi's cottage. Yum!!

Dress is very relaxed at the campground as you see Chachi demonstrating here. This outfit is campground casual.

This is me picking corn out of my teeth. We had gotten fresh corn from a farm nearby. After this I got some floss from Chachi's Dad. The corn was called "candy corn" and it was very sweet.
This is Chachi's Mom and Dad. We used to wear them out when we were little. Napping is done at the campground. In fact, it's encouraged!!

Back on that fateful morning seven years ago many men and women lost their lives. Please let us give a moment of silence. You are forever in our hearts and prayers.

my days couldn't get any busier with my three classes and an internship I got a new job! I am now a Therapeutic Staff Stupport (TSS). I am very excited! I had my orientation today and meet my clients tomorrow and Friday. This will be good experience for me (the extra money is good too) and it will look good on my resume. And yes I will still be at the big OG. I do wish I could give that up but I need it for one more summer. Hopefully next year I will have a teaching job. Around here it's so political.

This is the classroom where I do my internship. The school is about 7 years old. This is my third year doing my observation here. I really like the school. So much has changed from when I was in grade school. Posters everywhere, a fish tank, a Word Wall (commonly used words alphabeticized), cubbies for the kids, mailslots for the kids and the desks are grouped in 4 sets of 6. No more rows. I would love to teach at this school (it's also 5 minutes from my house) but they only hire from their family learning center. You work full time at the center, get crappy pay and no benefits. And you have to wait for someone to retire or die. The teacher I was observing with last year waited 6 years for a job.





This is the aquarium. They have fish, a snail and a catfish. I look at it everyday to see if their still there. We had a salt water tank (very hard to keep up) and we lost a lot of fish. A funny story is that M bought shrimp, a puffer fish and other varieties. The puffer fish ate the shrimp and then the other fish ate the puffer fish. He deserved it.

Back in the summer of 1999 I lived in Boston. It was a terrific experience. I loved living in such a great city. There were so many things to do and great places to eat. The people were very nice to (thank you to the nice man who helped me find my way on the T!) This was such a nice change coming from my tiny hometown. I worked in Faneuil Hall/Quincy Marketplace at a restaurant called Lily's (it's now Cheers). In this area were some great stores. One of which was Crabtree and Evelyn. I worked at a gift store that sold this line. I liked how their lotions and soaps smelled. I walked into their store in Boston and found a very nice and clean smelling perfume called Spring Journal No. 10. I have never received so many compliments as I did when I wore that perfume. I was so sad the day I finished the bottle. As I was looking over the bottle I noticed small writing on the bottom of the label: Room Spray. My perfume was meant to be used in the home not on the body. How funny is that?

My second wedding anniversary is today!! I married M on September 2, 2006. It was an amazing day because I got to marry my soul mate. I truly believe in kismet. We were married in a courthouse which was really beautiful. Our vows were written by M and were perfect. The reception was just down the street from my grandparent's house and I've ridden my bike past it hundreds of times. We had the New York Times band who knew a lot of Buffett. A good time was had by all.

I love to read. Especially the comics. I do say they are the best part of the newspaper. My favorite strip is For Better or For Worse I grew up reading the stories and adventures of the Patterson Family. They had a big family (being an only child I always wanted to have brothers and sisters), many pets and tales of family life. I got attached to the Pattersons and their pets, especially Farley . He died after saving the life of April (she fell in a river). I sobbed for the loss of Farley. Funny how you get so attached isn't it? Lynn Johnston has decided to tell the story of the Pattersons all over again with "new insights and new smiles."
What comic strip do you enjoy?

Today is M's family reunion. I had a funny feeling that someone was going to get pregnant. Boy am I good. M's mom called and told M that he should be the one to break the news to me that his cousin is pregnant. I heard this because I was standing right there. I walked away crying. I cannot believe that another person is pregnant and not me. I asked M if he would be upset if I didn't go. He said that he would be sad if I didn't go but if he doesn't want me to go if I'm not going to have a good time. My husband is such a wonderful man. So I picked up a day shift today. All they are going to do is talk about babies and her being pregnant. Right now that's more than I can handle. You think after a couple of years that I would have built up a thick skin. It still hurts. It still stings. Why do other people get to have babies with the person they love and I can't?

Update:
I met up with M and E to attend a party at M's friend's lake house. Just when I thought I was safe another friend shows up. She's nine weeks pregnant. I said to M, "I can't win, can I?" So I did what any IF girl would do--went into the bathroom, cried, had two c.aptain and cokes and was social.

Our neighbors had a dog named Kramer. He was a very handsome Ger.man Shepard. He really kept to himself in his outside dog pen. When the youngest son brought him out for walks he loved to be petted. He was a very sweet dog. I was very sad to learn today that he died this morning. I do wish our neighbors had taken better care of him. E used to tell me that she wished she could bring him home to our house. She said she would bathe him, pet him, brush him and love him.
Godspeed Kramer. We'll miss you!!!

I really like feet. They get you where you are going. You can dance, run, skip, hop, jump and whatever else you can think of. I always try and take good care of my feet. I have a slew of lotions, rubs, treatments and a little plastic tub that I use for foot baths.
I noticed a lot of girls wearing French pedicures at Bloom this summer. I thought I would give it a whirl. I bought the Sa.lly Hansen kit. I didn't use the strips that came with it. The white polish came with a small tip so I thought I would wing it. I have to practice but I thought my toes came out pretty good.

I went for my m.ri this morning. As I'm walking towards the m.ri center I realize I have to walk past the nursery. There were two babies in there and people were in the hallway looking at them. I started to cry. I had to take a moment before I could go in for my test. Sometimes I'm strong and others, well, not so much. I filled out my checklist and of course one of the questions was are you pregnant. Af was supposed to be here yesterday but no sign. I marked the no box because I don't feel pregnant and sometimes it's late. With less than a 3% chance of getting pregnant on our own I'm not holding my breath.
I should have my results in a couple of days. I'm interested to see what the test shows and what my course of action will be. I'm tired of being in pain, watching every little move I make and getting little sleep.

I think that all of you know by know that I serve at the big OG. For some unknown reason pregnant women and newborns are always sat in my section. I am implementing a new rule: if you are a pregnant infertile or are a new mom that has dealt in with infertility you may be sat in my section. If you are pregnant or a new mom otherwise (I mean fertile mertile's) you are not allowed. It just gets so hard to see women rub their bellies and tell me that they can only eat a little bit because the baby is taking up room. I waited on a family last night with four children. It makes me sad to think that I may never have a baby.

It's been a crazy and busy summer. My two classes ended last Thursday. I had no idea where I stood because my professor kept changing her mind and the syllabus. I ended up with two A's. (Note to self: check rate my professor.com before I take any more classes on Bloom's main campus. )
So Friday is the day my head exploded. I get to work at the big OG and someone comes up to me and asks me if I've heard the news. Our gm was fired. Exactly one week prior our regional director came in and suspended him. He had an outburst and threw a piece of equipment and hurt a repair guy and ?maybe one of our guys (I have heard a couple versions of the story). Sunday I came to work and his name was already off of the building. How do you like them apples? I then find out from two bartenders that our manager in charge tells me I can go back on the bar whenever I want to. (Back story: After I got married in Sept of 2006 we got a new bar manager who hires a bartender "because we need one" we tell our gm that we do not need a new bartender and that we are just fine. The new guy starts getting our shifts. I think this is pretty shitty because we opened the big OG and we are very good at our job. After a month of this I put in my two weeks notice and go work at another restaurant for my former bar manager. A week and a half after I leave the new bartender (who didn't know how to make a Manhattan or a martini but tells us he managed a bar in NY. Yeah, okay.) quits and gets a job at the new casino (where he later gets fired for being an inadequate bartender. There you go.) and the bar manager gets fired for fraternizing with employees (someone had pictures of him passed out on their living room floor. I had a meeting with my gm and I ask him if I could come back and he told me that he was on the fence about me coming back. I was so sad. So I served at two other restaurants for a couple of months and then my good friend talked to him and I was finally able to come back. Now that he has been fired I would like to run into him and ask why he doesn't like me.
Getting my two A's happened that Friday.
And my friend who has not spoken to me for the last two months because of a blog post I wrote- story here --came in with her husband and baby daughter. I wanted to go over but after all I did to get in contact with her and to no avail I thought better of it and went about taking care of my last two tables. I heard my name once. I thought I was hearing things. I heard my name again. She was calling me to come over. I did. I told her that I was sorry and that I didn't mean to hurt her with my writings. I explained that I had written about my IF. She said she was sorry and that when she gets upset that she pushes everything away. So we'll see how things go. It still hurts my feelings that she didn't acknowledge my letter, phone calls and emails but I'm willing to put it in the past. A good friend said to me that just because she is doing adult things (getting married and having a baby) it doesn't make her an adult. But I'm happy that I got to say my peace.
How is everyone else doing in the blogosphere?

I wish I can be a morning person. Everything is just waking up, it's not hot yet and it's the perfect time to go walking. I am so not a morning person. I've been getting up early to water my flowers, take the puppies out and get ready for school. Maybe it has to do with the way I sleep which is crappy? I sleep horrible because of my back.
My back is not good: two compressed disks, arthritis and curvature of my lower spine. I have to call my doctor and get a referral for an mri. This is so not cool. I'm only 32 and I feel much older. I'm afraid to do yoga and I don't run anymore. I want to hop, skip and jump and not worry about the pain. I came down the steps last week and my legs gave out from under me. Very scary. Hopefully the mri will provide more answers. I hope this can be fixed.
Has anyone dealt with compressed disks of the lower lumbar region?

I'm back at home--yay!! I sure do miss being here.
My veggies and flowers are growing like crazy. I think it's the combination of peat moss and cow manure I used in the flower beds. My Mom complimented me on how nice my flowers look. I take a lot of pride in my plants. I worked at a nursery/gift shop/greenhouse for five years. I would look all around at the beautiful plants and say to myself that one day I would have a house and I would plant pretty flowers and yummy vegetables. And now I do.
I have work at four. Yuck. I have to work on a paper, take the puppies for a walk and go grocery shopping. I would really like to just lay on my pool deck and catch some rays.



Bloomin' broccoli














I forget the name of the purple perennial. My nine tomato plants and three pepper plants are behind it.

Isn't it 5 o'clock somewhere?

I'm here in Shick rounding out week two of summer classes. I don't sleep well here--I miss M. Even his snoring. I also miss my puppies. And my house. It's funny--I grew up here (and lived here well into my 20's and some of my 30's) and I sleep in my old bedroom but it's not the same. My home has changed.
I do my homework after E goes to bed. Journal readings, reader responses, text book readings, etc. I have a quiz tomorrow on five journal articles. We've been working with them though so it shouldn't be too bad.
What are you doing on this fine summer's eve?

I wish you all a Happy and safe 4th of July. I really do love this holiday. It's a celebration of history, freedom and our nation's birthday.
This picture is of the Boston Pop's in the Hatch. If you ever get a chance to visit Boston on the 4th, do so. It's amazing!!!

I have a problem with a double standard between infertiles and fertiles. I'm talking about feelings. Our feelings of sadness, anger, frustration and others are our feelings. It's a rollar coaster ride that is chock full of difficult decisions, disappointing outcomes, unknown outcomes and suprises. I can't keep my feelings to myself--I would burst. We use our family, friends and blogs to communicate to others how we feel. They are our support systems and sounding board.
I'm still peeved about my post being taken the wrong way (it will be a month since I've talked to said friend). My friend got to post her comment about how she felt but she has not communicated with me in any way. How is that fair? That we have to sit by and just bide our time with being quiet? They on the other hand can say what they want and that's okay? I get tired of censoring myself and walking on egg shells. Communique had an experience where she was open and honest with her friend and she has to date not heard from her friend. I do have many fertile friends that are empathetic to my situation. Could it be the way some people are raised? Perhaps.
I hope no one treats my friend the way she treated me. I can't imagine doing that to anyone. It's just not nice.

I'm back at B.loom taking two summer classes: Teaching Fine Arts and Literature and Literacy in a Diverse Classroom. Finals will be August 8. Two classes in six weeks is pretty good I think. I'll be living at my parents house because it is a shorter commute. Plus gas is cheaper down here by almost ten cents. Hey, I'll take what I can get.
Maggie (dog) and Marnie (cat) sleep with me in my old room. My mom thinks it's great because Maggie snores and Marnie wakes up and starts meowing--so they won't be waking her up. M came down for a visit but it was too short. I feel like we are dating again.
I had an article to read for Lit and it was so dry. I managed to get through it but I'm going to reread it for tomorrow.
I brought down all my yoga stuff and sneakers to walk. Ask me how I'm doing with exercise? Yup, nada. I am doing good with eating though. All my parents live on is grilled chicken and salad. How can I not lose weight?
I am very tired and going to bed. I think I caught you all up.
I'm very happy for Reproductive Jeans Hang in there Ron!!

I had written a post on my other blog that was about my feelings of infertility and frustration and it upset my friend that just had her baby. I left a message last Tuesday (6/10) and another message (this one had an explanation) this past Wednesday. I also sent an e-card and an email. My Mom thinks she'll never talk to me again.
I feel bad that I upset her. My Mom says she's hormonal and sensitive. I feel in my heart that I didn't do anything bad. Other people read it and I read it to my friends IRL and they all understood how I felt. I really hate when people assume things (what happens when you assume?) and they don't let my explain.
On the other hand do I really want to be friends with someone like this? She knows how long we've been trying so it's not like it was news to her. She wrote something that stung me, "I know that it has been difficult for you" and then she writes, "I didn't know you felt this way (about coming to the hospital)." Um, okay. Do people think feelings of IF are controlled by a light switch or that after awhile feelings go away? It's been 3 1/2 years and it still hurts and stings.
It really bothers me when my voice isn't heard.

Please give love and support to NoSwimmers She has lost both her twins. My heart goes out to her.

I swam today. It was very hot and humid. The pool water was 88 degrees. I got right in. I forgot how much the sun and swimming take out of you. I can go to bed right now.
We went down to see my Mom today--it's her birthday. I baked a cake for her and got her a hydrangea, a Saint Teresa variety with nice big white blooms.
As I got older I started to enjoy my parent's company more and more (once I stopped being a smarty pants). I know see the wisdom and knowledge they possess. I always had to learn things the hard way.
I feel bad--I wrote a post that was taken the wrong way. I left a message on her voicemail and I'm waiting for her to call back so I can apologize. It had to do with me still not having a baby and having difficulty deciding to go to the hospital to see her and her new baby. I feel horrible.

This picture was taken because of how silly I think the hair nets are. I'm in dry storage at work. I sent this to my good friend Tracy just to be silly. She told me she laughed so hard soda came out her nose. I have tried to take a picture in a different location at the OG every weekend. But she says this one is still the best.

I don't exactly know how or when it happened but I have bad lower back pain. I had made an appointment with my family doctor and he wanted me to have an M.RI done but my insurance would not pay for it. They would only pay for x-rays. I did not have the x-rays done because my back felt fine at the time. Silly me. I did fall twice on my tail bone as a child, I'm wondering if that and being a server for 9 years has anything to do with my pain. I am very careful with my back (I lift things with my legs, etc.). The mornings are the worst. I can't bend over, sitting down hurts and a myriad of other things. I started to do yoga about two weeks ago and it was getting better. The stretching and strengthening of my back and stomach muscles I know is important. I started planting my garden and maybe the digging aggravated it. I just took some pain relievers and rubbed icy hot on my back. I am so mad at my body. I feel like an old person. Anyway I'm wondering if anyone goes to a chiropractor and could offer any advice on choosing one and what to expect. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I've created this new blog so that I can freely discuss IF. Here's my background: I do have one child from a previous marriage. I am a survivor of domestic violence (that's why I left-that will be a post itself). I met the most wonderful man about two years later and we married Sept. of 2006. I went on bcp soon after we met (insert laugh here). I came off of bcp in Dec of 2005. Did the whole "natural thing" for awhile. No baby. M had an analysis done and it showed only a couple of million swimmers with poor morphology and motility. We did do one iui in Nov of 2007 which was a bust. Now we are regrouping and are planning on an iui in August. I don't know if we are going to use our swimmers or donor. M is open to donors as am I, but I so badly want to have a baby with him. That would be the most wonderful experience to create another human being with someone that you love.

Welcome to my new digs. Things will be very informal here. I'm very excited to be here. I will still be keeping up my other blog but this will be a place where I can openly discuss my infertility and thoughts and feelings about such.
Using b.logspot is new to me and it will take me a little bit to get fully set up. Is there anyone that can help me add side buttons? I'm sure I will have more questions ;-)