i'm having a seriously depressing emotional roller-coaster ride.
prelims didn't go well for me as of now, but i hope i can maintain for econs.
pessimism seemed to have engulfed my soul.
thanks to people who cared.
i hope that i will be able to pull through soon and really overcome the obstacles within me.

i feel like life's has been missing out a little something, maybe more.
i've been looking up to some kind of lifestyle which i wanna have recently.
and it never fails to affect me.

one of which is none other than relationships.
after several bad experiences, i've actually develop this kind of fear of commitment and being rejected.
who ever wished love wasn't mutual?
i was recently told that i'm actually in love despite my denial.
if that's the case then i'm all along in love and i didn't really know that i still am.
sometimes, i have this kind of 'what's love all about?' kind of queries up within the neurons.
nevermind about that, but actually, i still couldn't really let go of what happened although i looked like i had.
now that i'm caught in this dilemma, i have no idea what to do.
i've cut off any form of communication with her in thinking that i'm actually not affected at all.
just recently, on my birthday, her name appeared in my inbox which startled me.
all along, i was finding excuses for myself.

all my mugging sessions from late night to the wee hours in the morning now reminds me of the beautiful memories we had.
i'm desperately hoping that it's all just a mirage that happened and that i am still able to be there for you.
i doubt you will be reading this but i'm just in an awkward position to strike conversation with you.
i'm sorry for not replying.

the calendar seems to be staring at me, reaching out to me at this point of time.
'23' has never been anything significant to me in my life.
and so this still stands.
but this phony imagination of '23' is actually trying to reach out to me that it's just 3 weeks away from the end of school.
anyway, prelim's still ongoing and everyone in my tuition group seemed to be very very surprised.
2 entire weeks have past since the commencement of prelims and this is way to long, much like it's prolonging our agony with all the mugging and all the sleepless nights.

finally, i was able to dump the mugging aside and enjoy myself.
was out with sandra for lunch at orchard on friday after math paper 2.
and how fortunately, we were spotted by my parents.
ehh.. it's just platonic relationship between us.
not going into the details.

my saturday evening was 'interestingly' spent.
i actually went to the victoria theatre and became part of the audience of some... show... some tiger (thai-girl) show.
i swear i didnt wanna go but it's because my whole family's invited to go by the organisers.
anyway, i was like having this get-it-over-and-done-with kind of attitude before the show.
the trivial stuffs aside, i had really bad encounters during the show.
i was seated at the front row and those show is actually filled with 'entertainment values'.
not as in those transvestite strut their stuffs but they also do some interaction with the crowd.
so there was this really 200kg old man who cross dresses who had this bulging belly which is much much much worst than a pregnant lady's.
he (maybe she) came down and looked at me with his both eyes like...
he then walked over to me and wanted me to give him a kiss. &^@$*!@*&
i leaned back and shun but he came over nearer and placed his damned belly on mine and started moving! WTF!
the next part of the show the transvestite were doing the 'ketchup song' thingy and 2 ladies came down to the stage and invited me and another guy up to do the damned dance despite my profuse refusal.
'what to do? just too attractive lah. hahaha.'
seriously, it's just traumatising to me.
i'm seriously having an all-time-low libido now. wtf. haha.

actually after pondering away, the thought of them as disgusting creatures sort of fades away in a way or another.
it's not like i'm going to be one of them.
but they're just normal human beings and that the way they are oriented and the life they prefer to are just different from us.
i believe people should be more open towards such things and not just based on the idea that they're just 'abnormal' just because you compare it with your own beliefs.
afterall it boils down to conformity of the norms within the society.
it's just like the recent homosexual thing which became the hot topic in the parliament other than the cpf issue.
i know i'm a small fry and that i have no say in that issue.
i feel that the root of the problem is still the problem of conformity within the local society and that we are still not receptive enough.
and it's like the process of upbringing whereby people develop a certain values and principles which they uphold.
but in this changing world, we can no longer adopt ideas wholesail and we need flexibility.
im not taking sides but it's just my 2cents.
and it shouldn't be taken as anything against any race or religion.

with that said, i'm off to restore and salvage my low libido.
hahahaha.

i feel that i've seriously neglected my blog and now i'm back to update a lil bit cause i have no papers tml.
prelim's still on the way, with 5 papers down and 6 more to go!so far, it's still okay and i hope that it will remain this way.

hahaha.anyway, the boring stuffs aside, I'VE TURNED 18!
hahaha, yeah, like finally i don't have to sneak into m18 movies, talking about clubbing and pubbing when i can't even enter and errr herrm.
being 18 brings forth a whole new set of rules and benchmark to abide to, where self-discipline really plays an important role.
and i'm not going to fall into the realm of raising white flags to temptations.

i have to say that my 18th birthday was a BLAST, especially with the lovely people around me.
although the morning started with me mugging for chemistry paper 3, it was still a nice and euphoric celebration!
had island creamery (at last) with xinhui in the late afternoooon at serene centre.hahaha.
icecream gluttons like us never fails to hunt for better icecreams, and i must say that its one of the best, especially burnt caramel.
but stupid xinhui didnt wanna print the pictures and paste it on the wall.
(to xinhui: when layleng's back then you don't take tooo okay.)
dinner was a blast at holland v and after that.... WE WENT WALA WALA.hahaha.
great company never fails to bring smiles all over my face.
gin martini was fantastic and so was the cookies and cream cake. (:
before it gets reallly nagggy and boring and mundane and retarded, i shall stop talking about it, but the bottomline is.. i had a whale of a time.

this section of this post is delicated to these few wonderful people in the world:
xinhui (aka bb): THANKS A MILLION TRILLION for coordinating the whole event! i loved your card and your gun. and most importantly, our retail therapy sessions doesn't stop cause you have school everyday after it reopens. we are wednesday people. and i look forward to the bangkok trip at the end of the year. (:
layleng (aka ff2): THANKS for always being there to remind me to study hard and remembering my bithday almost every year for the 5-6years that we've known each other. no matter what happened and what is to happen, we'll still be there for one another, through thick and thin!
hongyao: you may not be reading this but thanks for the whole lot of memories that we've been through. it may be that we've only knew each other since sec3, but we were able to forge a strong friendship fast. sorry for the temperamental moments though.
zoe: lame zoe-syndrome who always injects humour everytime we are out hanging. thanks for always being there when i needed you (cropping of pictures). LOL.
michael (aka cam-whore partner): hahaha. it's always fun being out with you. erms, it's been pretty long since we've gone swimming eh?
cherlynn cheong: ehh my emotional pillar in jj, you've always been a great friend! the tough times that we've been through really made our friendship stronger! thank you for offering your pair of listening ears everytime and putting up with my stupid lameness. HAHAHA.
hongwei: hahaha. don't know what to say but we haven't been talking much lately and we're drifting apart! hahaha. our brotherhood doesn't end! mwuacksss!
to the rest, namely, bryan, sakinah, vanessa, shengwei baby, yuting, crystal, george, zhilun, giam, rui, saecheong, lili, xinyi, yanping, mingee, shannon, sharon and many many more, THANK YOU SOOOOOO MUCH.

im sorry if the above text sounds wierd, but it's really from the bottom of my heart eh!
you guys better appreciate it.
will be uploading pictures in the next post!

now that the episode has began to cool, i have an important idea to get across.

for those who haven't cared and here to read about the episode, please DO NOT visit my blog ever again.