Jackie

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Expectations

A friend told me once "Jackie, it's not fair for you to expect other people to have your standards". He's someone that I have a great deal of affection for, but don't have a great deal of respect for. That said, it is a surprise to me that this comment sticks with me. And maybe, it sticks because I know it to be true. Once again, having said all of that, it seems arrogant to expect others to live up to my ideals.

This subject rears its head on a fairly regular basis with me. This particular weekend, we spent with an estranged family member. She was pleasant, but distant, giving us basic information, but nothing of herself. The first day was awkward, the second easier. When this happens with her, or anyone else for that matter, I catch myself thinking there will be an improvement in the relationship. This is followed by disappointment and thoughts of how I would handle the situation.

I'm not sure what the answer is. Inside of me is the feeling that people are basically good and given the chance ultimately the best will emerge. That's where the trouble begins; that's what I would do. The truth is - according to me - not everyone has the same thing to give. There is no way to know another person's truth, why the response is what it is.

I need to find a way to still give my best, not guard myself, but also not take another's response, or lack of response so personally. When I figure that out.....

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Goodbyes..

This has been a week of goodbyes. We have said farewell to two people who have impacted my life in very different ways. In both cases, the selfish says " I want him/her back". The compassionate self says "Yes, they are free from pain, and reunited with their most loved one. Good".

My father-in-law Ralph Olsen left us on October 10. We said our formal goodbye on Friday, November 12. Ralph lost his beloved Edye a little over a year ago and he was heartbroken. Nonetheless, he lived on with a twinkle in his eye and a smile. The final goodbye started when he had to be moved from Prosser, his lifelong home, to the Tri Cities and away from everyone and everything familiar. You could see the goodbye coming on his face. He was just done.

Probably the finest Christian man I have ever known, Ralph was accepting of me from the start. He frequently reminded Larry that he was to take care of me - needlessly of course. One of my fondest memories was early in my relationship with Larry, he had to travel and I was unable to go. Knowing he was gone, Ralph and Edye called me at home "to make sure I was ok". My father-in-law never failed to tell me that he loved me.

I remember Larry's dad as a child. He and Edye owned the little Whitstran Trading Company. As kids, we took a wagon filled with pop bottles to the store, traded them for the deposit money and bought penny candy with the proceeds. How interesting that our relationship after all of those years would come full circle.

I'm sure God welcomed Ralph with open arms; I know Edye was right behind him.

On Saturday we said goodbye to my friend Jill's mom, Tommie Sue O'Neil. My first memory of Tommie was as the school secretary at Mt. Adams Middle School when I moved to Toppenish. A little tiny woman with a very western hairstyle, waist length ponytail and a short curled layer on top. When Jill and I became friends later on, Tommie kind of took me on as a project I think. I spent much time there and she hauled me and my horse many times. She was tough and though sometimes too tough, I always knew her scolding was from concern and care.

Life was not kind to Tommie Sue. She lost her husband in 1971 and raised Jill alone. I don't think her broken heart ever healed and in the end it may have contributed to her ill health. She was stricken with rheumatoid arthritis about twenty years ago and suffered terrible. Five years ago she survived a brain tumor, but she was changed and often hard to be around. Unfortunately I let that keep me away.

Pneumonia took her suddenly but I feel that she was ready to go. She hurt and she was tired.

I'll always remember that single mom who added me to her family.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Memories...

I make frequent early morning trips to Sunnysid and while I drive I see folks walking on the path that runs from Prosser. One woman that I often see reminds me so much of my Grandma Bell that sometimes it steals my breath. She doesn't look at all like Grandma; she is much younger and has much nicer clothing than I every saw on her tiny frame. What I see that brings back my Grandma for me is that while the woman walks she carries a bag and as she exercises, she picks up garbage along the way.

My Grandma had high blood pressure and severe diabetes. Her doctors told her that it was important for her to exercise, so she would walk the half mile down Emerald Road to the little country store we called "Perry's Corner". The idea of walking with no purpose must have seemed so impractical to her, so as she walked she pushed a wheelbarrow and picked up trash along the way. If I was staying with her, I went along on her walk. When we reached the little store, I was given a dime for candy. On the trip back to the house, we crossed the road and picked up the trash on the other side.

Growing up poor and having lived through the depression while raising five children, my Grandma never wasted a thing - especially time or effort. Even while watching her beloved "The Edge of Night", her hands were busy snapping beans, cutting up vegetables or peeling fruit for pie, all into a folded newspaper resting in her lap. I think of my leisure time now and am sometimes ashamed when I am not doing something with my hands.

I spent much more time with my Grandad, loving the same things he did. He taught me to ride, to care for my horse, to feed and doctor calves, to judge livestock, the importance of your word, the value of silence, and so much more. I followed him everywhere. He's been gone now for ten years and I miss him so. My strongest pangs though, are of my grandmother. The things I love now came from her. There are few times that I bake a pie, put fruit in the freezer or prepare a new meal that she doesn't come to mind. In fact, I have actually looked for my phone to call her and ask a question. She was always quietly in the background, supporting and caring for us all and left a deep imprint on my soul. I hope she knows how much I love her.

Little lady on the walking path, I am often tempted to stop and tell you of the memories you stir. Sometimes they are so strong, it steals my breath.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Facebook

Last year when we were in Arizona I started teaching myself to use Facebook. It's been a fun year, catching up with old friends, getting to know others better and sharing a little bit about myself with others. There have also been some light bulb moments along the way.

Some of my old friends are still so dear and I am truly sorry that I have not made the effort to maintain the relationship. I have also had the experience of reconnecting with those who put a facade, if you will, on Facebook. The real person lurks behind the front, and I have been disappointed, even hurt. The interesting thing is that those particular people used the same tactics in our previous relationships. I mistakenly assumed that those people had evolved from our youth. Hopefully I am now more aware, more sensitive and have a little more finesse than I did 35 years ago. Not everyone is.

Another part of using digital media to connect with old friends is the uncovering of your past. I have no "murders in Texas" to be worried about but do not always look back on who I was back then with much admiration. I was awkward, naive, forward and brash. Also living though the very painful divorce of my parents, I was wounded, mistrustful and needier than I realized at that time. When you walk away from the relationships of your youth, you also to leave behind some of those memories...current relationships only know what you chose to show them. Upon reconnecting, there is the chance that those parts of your life will be exposed again. Reviving relationships, in this way, forces trust. Trust that your friends will write past awkwardness off to your youth and accept the person that you are, and for me...generally, that person is someone that I am content with.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

So, you wanna be a writer?

It's hard to imagine that I haven't written for over a year. I have since compeleted school, graduating with a Bachelor's Degree in Digital Technology and Culture, Magna Cum Laude, I might add! I was delighted...not something I was ultimately aiming for, but I'll take it!

We are in Arizona now, taking a break, about six weeks. We love it here and have a pretty leisurely lifestyle. We are both committed to getting back into shape, losing some weight and unwinding from the previous year's frustrations and stresses.

I was speaking with a friend the other night and had a small ephiphany. My friend asked if we were enjoying ourselves and an honest yes was the answer. However, I told her it seemed as though it was taking longer than expected to get settled in; I wasn't sure why. Part of the explanation for that comment, I told her was that our goal of exercising every day was being held up by the inability to set up an account at the club we used last year.

After we said our goodbye's that comment popped back into my head. When I ran it through my mind a few times - drumroll, this is where the ephiphany comes in - I realized that we were expecting things to remain the same while we were gone. Even worse, I realized that in the past I had been frustrated with others for the same thing. Parents and in-laws would spend the winter away and come home expecting for everything to have been at a "stand-still" and for us to be sitting and waiting. I hate it when I do something that in the past has frustrated me in others.

So here we are, in the same geographical location, but many things are different. Our workout club is under new ownership and conditions are different. Our favorite golf shop has gone out of business. I'm sure as the weeks go on, there will be more. And it will be okay.

For me the lesson is, while you are not paying attention things go on without you. Kids grow up, grandchildren change, friends get used to your inattention...you get it. Time won't wait for me...damn.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

So here I am, 48 years old, two weeks to go in this semester. I am carrying 9 credits and I have never...not even in middle school...had so much trouble making myself finish my school work. I have piddled away all week on one of the two term papers due and only succeed to write about a page at a time. It's not hard....I just don't want to do it!

Larry is a champ...he tolerates me hanging out upstairs with some mindless tv show on, while I write. He fixes dinner and carefully proof reads my papers. He is blunt, but constructive and seems to be able to decide what it is I need on a particular day. Without him, I will never finish.

The school thing, while rewarding and fulfilling...even in a difficult semester...can be really lonely. None of my friends do this and I am not at school enough to develop relationships. My friends, while encouraging and supporting, don't really understand why this is imporant to me. Nonetheless...they, like Larry accommodate and flex around my schedules with no complaint.
My family can make me feel lonely where school is concerned as well. My mom - never asks. She also doesn't understand why I need to do this. My dad makes me feel as though my education in some way is a trophy on his shelf. I have to do this as I can pay for it and with the stock market they way it is, I will have to wait. He doesn't seem t understand this and pushes.

I so admire the young people at school. I'm not sure that I was that accomplished when I was their age. They are so smart and in the upper level classes that I take, they are very focused and driven. I am definitely learning and they seem to already know....so much more worldly than I was. What I lack, though, is compensated for with twenty years experience. I know how to make a deadline, I know how to go to school every day and that attendance is important to my success.

11 more credits to finish. Maybe I'll try to take two easier classes this summer; it's only six weeks and goes fast.