less traveled

Christmas. 2008.

This year we couldn't travel so we stayed home. S and I woke up early to a gorgeous blanket of snow and blue skies. I surprised him with gifts under the tree and a stocking for he and the dogs. We enjoyed our morning time alone together and I counted my blessings as I rubbed my belly. My mom and our friend who helped us with our house cam late in the afternoon to share in appetizers and drinks followed by dinner. S and I made a lovely spread and tried new recipes out; cranberry and rosemary stuffed pork loin, wild rice with apricots, cherries, golden raisins, and cranberries, a walnut salad, baked squash, fresh green beans, baked candied yams, and pumpkin pie. Everything turned out great. We even made back up cornish hens in case the pork didn't turn out. The house felt warm and welcoming. We gathered by the fire and the tree and opened gifts and laughed a lot. It was a peaceful way to spend the day. Of course we reflected on all the many Christmases we have spent together, and last Christmas-how difficult it was-how next year will be something we can only dream about-how special this Christmas has been. What a gift. What a joy. What a miracle.

I thought about all of you a lot over the long weekend, wishing you hope and happiness. All of your stories touch me and impact me in ways I never thought possible. I am grateful to know your journeys and feel fortunate that you share so much of yourselves. You have given me courage and strength when I have needed it so desperately. You have made me laugh with your honesty. I just wanted you all to know how I appreciate you. Thank you so much and Merry, Merry Christmas! May this next year bring us all renewed hope and joy.

Great news today!! My blood pressure was fabulous-109/63. Yippee! The NST was MUCH better. Baby’s heart rate stayed up around 135 and had beautiful accelerations with only a few slight decelerations. Lots of movement, of course. The doc also wanted to do an ultrasound to check on baby’s approx size and the amniotic fluid, as well. And...drumroll, please....amniotic fluid was UP!!!! Best it has ever shown! I’m actually normal and in the 53rd percentile now! Baby measures somewhere between 5 1/2 to 6 lbs. So baby got a big fat A++ today. I am thrilled and so was the doc. She still doesn’t think I’ll go the whole 5 weeks (but I’m trying to prepare myself for it-just in case) but no reason for us to think one more week isn’t doable-if not all 5. My pelvis has a few words about that, but baby gets priority at this point-sorry pelvis.

I can actually go home tonight and not worry-well, I could still worry- but there is no real reason for it today-so why bother?? Instead I will make my Dad's favorite Christmas bread, hoska, and celebrate my super star baby! I love you little one and thanks for listening to me. **smooch**

BIG SIGH

We have been so busy- and I have not been doing a good job of staying on top of my writing here.

We finally finished our birthing classes. Our teacher was pretty good, but the material covered seem to just glean the surface of some many important issues. Our class was really quiet, too. i was hoping to make some friends and stay connected on this next journey, but I could barely make eye contact with the women. I'm not sure why. I talked with the teacher on the last night after everyone left and she agreed- it was a very quiet and private group of people. No offense, but this is our opportunity to NOT be private on such a delicate topic. Oh, well. I think S learned a lot, as he has not kept up with reading the books and doing research like I have, so most of the info was new to him. The breast feeding class we took was much better and very informative. I really hope

I had my baby shower on Saturday. It was really nice. I felt spoiled and was really glad my friend had convinced me to do one. I do not really like being the center of attention-all the fuss, and gifts, seem like too much, but I was very grateful everyone took time out of their busy holiday schedules to have lunch with me and talk all about their own experiences. My mom came over for the entire weekend, too, for the shower mainly, but we begged her to stay longer. It was so nice to have her around for the extra 2 days.

On Sunday we ended up going into the hospital. I didn't feel the baby move all day Saturday, Saturday night, and then into the morning on Sunday, so I went in. Of course, on the way in, the little monkey started swinging from the trees again, but we went in anyway. Things checked out OK. Heart rate still continues to have those drop-offs. But at this point they want me to go longer so the lungs continue to develop. It was a good test run to the hospital, though, and Mom was with us so she now knows where to park and where to find us on the big day.

Tuesday I was back for another NST and that revealed much of what we already have seen, with the only change being the mean heart rate being lower, 118-120 now, which is concerning, but they didn't freak out. Just means that we continue to be watchful. My regular OB was out so I saw a different OB and didn't care for her. I can't wait to see my regular OB next week.

Other than that, I'm hanging in there. I do NOT know how those of you with twins made it through the last weeks of pregnancy. Seriously, this is not much fun anymore. I didn't really know that it would/could be this painful in the end. The lack of sleep and discomfort really take its toll. I know I'll make it, and I'm grateful to be here. Those little lungs need me to ideally hold out another 2 weeks. One day at a time.

I have finally had the absolute unpleasant experience of someone telling me I look oh, so BIG. Really, shouldn't that be a crime? Why would anyone day such a thing to a fragile hormonal pregnant lady? I felt like crying all night, and when S asked me about going to his company's Christmas party, I think my eyes did well up with tears. Forget it. I'd prefer not leaving the house right now. Stupid, stupid people AND hormones. Maybe I'm looking at this all wrong, perhaps I could don the Santa outfit and be the hit of the party??

Midwest woman appears to have eaten entire turkey WHOLE!!!!

Oh, wait, no, that's Jill and her PREGNANT BELLY!!! Oh, my!

Ok, seriously, it does look like I ate the whole Thanksgiving turkey in one gulp.

Had the Non-stress test (NST) again this morning and was told that we have a big show off for a baby- LOTS of movement. I already knew that. Baby's heart rate still appears to be handling things well, except for those darn drop-offs, which continue to cause alarm and remind us there is low amniotic fluid. The NST also revealed that I am still having fairly consistent contractions that caused the doc to be a little alarmed this early in the game so we checked to make sure my cervix was not dilating. Proud to say I am still a good patient and closed up ship shape tight-although things seem to be progressing and moving downward. Baby's head, too. Good job, Baby! And it appears that my uterus and cervix are just as impatient as the rest of me. Who knew?

Doc wants me to continue to take it easy. Although walking is still allowed. She is now saying hold out for one more week. If my body progresses and decides it's time for labor by next week, they will let me go ahead, but until then they will do what they can to stop the action. I don't know how long they will let me go with the low amniotic fluid and HBP, though.

Yesterday I had a bit of a high blood pressure reaction to some mild housework-or Christmas decorating, rather-Ok, I was outside hanging some Christmas lights on the house. My heart rate was elevated, my vision went blurry and then doubled, and became a little tunneled. I laid down on my left side like the book said to do, drank some water, and rested for a little bit, things began to improve. We went to the nearest pharmacy for them to check my blood pressure to determine if we should go to the ER, but my blood pressure seemed OK. It was something like 131/78 or something of the sort. Still high for me, but in the passable range. I know if I go above 140 they get worried and 160 is just straight to the ER kind of stuff. Discussed all of this with the doc today and was instructed to call them immediately next time that happens-no stopping off at the pharmacy. But today my blood pressure was a stunning 105/58. Go, ME! Later they checked it and it was a little higher, but still, somehow I pulled a good number today, so I think my pharmacy idea was a good one last night. And I am feeling hopeful that all is going to be just fine.

So, one more week for good measure and then anything beyond that is bonus for the babe. My mom informed me last night that she has packed her bag and it's in the car-so she is officially ON STAND-BY. Good woman. Now watch, I'll go 2 weeks past my due date!

So, no real big news. Status quo, really. S and I are spending a lot more time with the name book and our list though, just to be safe. Even scratched a few off last night---and then added a few new ones. : } And I finally have it through my thick head that I really do need to take it easy, real easy. I get it.

Last night they started around 9:30 and continued until about 3:30 am. They were happening about every 5 minutes give or take. I should have called in, but I tried to relax and drink lots of water, which seemed to work. I need to hold out for another 3 weeks at least for the little sprout's lungs. Let's hope we can do that and I don't have a surprise turkey delivered while I'm visiting my family a couple hundred miles away for the holiday!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I went to my regular OB appt today and learned that my blood pressure was elevated. You may remember a few things about my early screening test that revealed an extremely low PAPP-A level that scared us to death. We learned after many weeks that our baby was OK chromosomally-no Trisomy 18 or 21, as expected. What a relief. However, there are other things that low PAPP-A can indicate; pre-term labor, pre-eclampsia, placental abruption, still born, to name just a few. Lots of scary stuff. When we did do the amnio, they also found that I did not have enough amniotic fluid, so today when I went in there were some alarms that went off. Time to check amniotic fluid, time to do weekly non-stress testing (NST), time to do another ultrasound.

The stress test looked good. It revealed that I am having contractions, but the baby is responding well to them. There were a few dips that they will watch, but for the most part, things look healthy.

The ultrasound revealed lots of things, most importantly that there is adequate fluid, but on the low side and needs to be monitored. Besides that it showed me beautiful pics of my baby. The technician was dear and asked if I minded if she try something...a 3-D scan. She normally doesn't do that, and I wasn't supposed to tell anyone, but could we try? Are you kidding??? Absolutely!! Nest thing I knew I was looking at our little one with fat chubby cheeks and beautiful pouty lips. I can't tell you how impossible this feels. This little non-alien, but very human looking child, right inside me moving around, looking, well, like a baby! S/he was drinking in lots of amniotic fluid and doing some practice breathing I have heard others talk about. Stunning. Beautiful. Unbelievable. Miraculous.

I'll be going back weekly now for the NST testing, which is more than fine by me. I welcome the extra monitoring and can't wait to be reassured weekly.

We met with a doula last night and are trying to finalize the decision to hire her or not. I think I really want an extra guide on board. I mean, Sean hasn't done this before, I haven't done this before, why not have someone there that can give us suggestions and tell me whether I should or shouldn't worry about what is happening. I know myself well enough to know that if I get scared and I don't don't trust the reassurance, the fear will get the best of me.

I liked her, too. She was kind, yet firm and confident, and easy to talk to. She has already given me so much advice about exercises to help the baby be in the right position and referring me to the chiropractor that took my pain away. Truly, for that alone, she has already earned her fee.

My body continues to grow and I am finding I'm more uncomfortable. The fatigue has returned and surprises me at the end of the day when I want to get a bunch of tasks done and just do not have the energy. Last night my belly was tight and hard, and I couldn't find a position that was comfortable. I got scared about how my body will take the next 8 weeks. I even got a little weepy when no one was looking. Will I make it? Will the complications (pre-eclampsia, pre-term labor, still birth) I read early on about my extremely low PAPP-A levels finally come to a head in these final weeks? Should I push to be watched a little closer now? It's hard to imagine only 61 days until this new life I'm working hard to create joins us. Will I ever be pregnant again?

On my drive into work this morning I was overcome with gratitude. I felt bad I had any selfish feelings last night of wanting to hurry this process along. I felt a calm and a peace and an amount of joy and humility that I have never known before. I wanted to tell S how much I love him and our life together. I feel stronger today and feel like I can and will manage everything as it unfolds.

...
Sean's family was here all last week and it was a great time. My mom came over for a day of shopping with the girls while the boys went hunting for pheasant. She stayed for dinner and then overnight and when it was time to go in the morning, she decided to stay even longer. With S's family living in NY, it's rare that we get to merge our two families. I was appreciative that my mom took the time to make that happen.

We had nice dinners every night. His father was dear, rubbing my belly, talking to his grandchild, telling me how beautiful I am pregnant. His step-mother( and my mom while she was here) helped out so much with the house and laundry and the dogs. On their last night I made a really nice dinner and invited our former neighbor who has helped us out with all the remodel projects on our house. He's 62 and worked like a dog for us. We won't get the chance to spend Thanksgiving together so I decorated the table and put small individual vases at each place setting with a few burgundy and golden mums and wheat grasses along with a handmade card. It is the season for giving thanks. I love this time for year for that reason. The centerpiece had a pumpkin on top that said-give thanks. On the outside of each card I had written, "I am thankful for you" and inside I wrote a bunch or reasons, starting with silly trivial things like, "Thanks for loving me even though we disagree on politics. Thanks for thinking pregnant women are beautiful...and telling me so. Thanks for enjoying shopping at thrift stores as much as I do," and then I built to more and more important and heartfelt reasons why I appreciate them. I didn't think I was going to have enough time before dinner to get it all done, but I did, and it really made everyone feel special. I loved it.

That whole week was fabulous. My house was filled with conversation and commotion and love. It was so satisfying. I couldn't help but wonder if having a child in my home will fill the house, and my heart, with that same kind of warmth and love.

My birthday turned out to be one of the best ones yet. Obama is the president-elect, still pregnant, and my dear husband spoiled me rotten. Good job, S!!! We didn't do much, OK, anything, for S's birthday as it was the first day back from our Italian adventure. I made him a carrot cake from scratch- his favorite, but that was all. We had jet lag that kept us from being ambitious in any way. Didn't even make a special dinner. Poor guy. We talked about the trip being our gift to each other this year, so I certainly didn't expect anything for my birthday just a few days later.

I was pleasantly surprised when we went out to this fabulous Italian restaurant- to reminisce our Italian trip a bit. That was great and way more than I had expected. So, when S grabbed my hands and held them in his and began to shower me with loving words about how this will be my last birthday before I'm a mom, forever changed, that he wanted to celebrate who I am as a person and to thank me for going through the infertility hell that now allows us to have such a miraculous opportunity, my eyes just spilled over with tears of love for him. He continued on for some time and completely blew me away with his words of support, amazement, and love. Then he lifted his hat from the table to reveal a small shiny beautifully wrapped package. Inside there was a beautiful mother of pearl and diamond necklace with matching earrings designed and created by one of the local artists. He pointed out 3 pearls total, one for each of us, with the largest, the pendant, representing our little one. The whole scenario really took my breath away. He is so dear. I am so lucky.

We finally completely finished the house. Thank heavens. My in-laws arrived yesterday for a week of visitation. After all the cleaning and the raking and the final touches of painting, my back was in dire straits. S nearly had to carry me to the bathroom in the middle of the night the pain was so bad. I couldn't lift either foot without excruciating pain. I didn't know what I was going to do or how I would manage the rest of this pregnancy. I spoke with my doula and she found this chiropractor that specializes in pre-natal care in the town where I work whom I saw yesterday. Let me tell you, I can not believe how much better I feel. Yes, I have discomfort and pressure and general mild pain, but I can walk. I can lift my legs without shooting burning pain down my legs. I can sit without feeling like I'm just going to start crying and never stop until the baby arrives. What a difference!!! I wish I would've gone long ago. I was beginning to think I was a wimp or something. My doc kept saying, "Oh, yea, that will happen." I'm thinking, "You have GOT to be kidding me, this can NOT be normal". So, I just kept trying to suck it up, and not draw much attention to myself as I limped along. So, if anyone else is experiencing that kind of pain, it is NOT normal, and there are things you can do about it.

The baby continues to grow and be very active. I love having conversations with him/her and this bonding experience.

Today is my birthday. What a difference a year makes. I already had one big wish come true-my longed for pregnancy. Now, on this monumental election day, I would love it if Barack Obama is elected our next president. You don't even have to wrap him up. Just a good acceptance speech.

Get out and vote, everyone!!!!

I passed my glucose test. Hooray!! I felt so crummy after it yesterday that I actually ended up going home from work early. The drink itself wasn't all that bad. I felt fine immediately afterwards and thought, "Hey, that wasn't so bad." I ate a big lunch and went back to work and then it hit me. It was like I was slipping into a coma. I was just so sleepy that I couldn't keep my eyes open, and sick and headachy. I wish the nurse would have told me the truth when I asked her if it could make me feel any symptoms afterwards. She just said,"Oh, no, you should feel just fine." Well, when I called to check on my results today the nurse I spoke with was great and said it is very normal to feel so badly. I would have planned my day a little differently and wouldn't have been taken so off guard by it. Plus, I was sure I had flunked the test because of the way I felt!

Well, I'm glad it's behind me and ecstatic that I don't have to worry about it!

My sweet mother had a follow-up for her breast cancer yesterday and received great news! Everything looks fantastic! No sign of recurrence, no cause for alarm, nada, nothing! We are all so relieved. She felt good going into the appt, but you just never know until you get those final results back. Way to go, Mom! You have been through so much and handled it all with grace and strength. Thank you for fighting. Thank you for being such a strong woman that I can look up to and model myself after. I love you to pieces and am the luckiest "little" girl!

I desperately hope that I will be as good of a mother as you have been to me. You have showered me with love and have always made me feel adored. How do you do it all? You are my beacon. This world sings because of you.

I have my preliminary glucose test in a couple hours. I hope I pass!

My aches and pains have really started to worsen and I'm a little nervous how I will fair through the "big" stage of this pregnancy. I feel like a wish bone. How's that you ask? It feels like someone has a hold of each of my legs and is trying to make a wish with my body. My pubic bone hurts so badly. It started being tender a couple months ago, but it is now painful all the time, especially if I am moving at all. That pain also goes into my low back. I want to keep walking throughout the pregnancy, and I will try my best, but DAMN! it hurts.

I don't really think there is anything you can do about it-grin and bear it, I guess. My understanding is that the bone fuses together there with ligaments, and we all know that the hormone relaxin softens and relaxes those ligaments to make room for the babe. So, I know WHY it hurts, but I don't have to like it. It makes sleeping difficult. Any position is uncomfortable (ALREADY! what am I going to do in another month? what about 2!?!?) and when I try to move or roll-EGADS! it's sore!

Well, I hate to complain. I've tried to keep it to a minimum, but I also know sharing what we are experiencing is good for all of us. Maybe someone else had or has had the same thing. Any advice? Does it continue to get worse? Maybe it will somehow miraculously get better? Wishful thinking?

I'm starting to feel more and more connected with this baby. It may be that enough time has passed from the daily blood draws and hormone injections, but with every kick and every day that I wake to find myself still pregnant, I allow myself to believe and love even more. I find myself talking to the baby. Wanting to share the brilliant colors of autumn with him/her. Being aware of his/her routine. Looking forward to our time in the mornings when s/he kicks and moves to awaken me from slumber, the afternoon flurry of activity, the after dinner gymnastics. My hand is usually on my belly feeling all the movement in amazement.

I try, I really do, but it all still seems impossible that in a mere countdown of days we could be parents. I imagine who this little one will be. I just can't fathom how I will feel on the other side. And I can't believe how lucky we are to be here, at this stage, with (so far) a successful pregnancy. I am in awe of the miracle and so grateful for the opportunity.

I'm happy. And still scared.

That simple.

I've been tagged. Thanks, Ellen. I love reading your blog! All the answers to this meme need to be just one word.

1. Where is your cell phone? handbag
2. Where is your significant other? work
3. Your hair color? brown
4. Your mother? Penny
5. Your father? Ron
6. Your favorite thing? outdoors
7. Your dream last night? Italy
8. Your dream/goal? happiness
9. The room you’re in? office
10. Your hobby? rowing
11. Your fear? loss
12. Where do you want to be in six years? NY
13. Where were you last night? studio
14. What you’re not? tall
15. One of your wish list items? bike
16. Where you grew up? Iowa
17. The last thing you did? photoshop
18. What are you wearing? sweater
19. Your T.V.? small
20. Your pet? Jack
21. Your computer? Mac
22. Your mood? happy
23. Missing someone? father
24. Your car? Camry
25. Something you’re not wearing? hat
26. Favorite store? thrift
27. Your Summer? humid
28. Love someone? always
29. Your favorite color? blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? morning


I don't have many readers. So, Joonie,and Journey, consider yourselves tagged.

Last night in my memory dreams of Italy, between the veils of Venice and fog of Florence, my dad came to me.

I felt his presence before I saw him and the anticipation of seeing him was overwhelming. I waited and watched down the narrow streets ahead of me. I squinted and tried to search for him in the shadows. I knew he was coming. I hoped he was coming. And then he was there. Standing in the distance. Strong, healthy. I ached and yet was filled with so much love and joy to see him.

I've looked night after night for him in my dreams. I've begged him to come to me, and yet, I wake with no memory of seeing him. Now, he was here, walking towards me, and smiling the most beautiful proud smile. I knew without the words. I started to quicken my pace and then began to run. He was so close now. Still smiling, with open arms for me and my baby...

Then, my husband, who hasn't yet recovered from his jet lag, woke up, and jostled the bed enough to pull me from my slumber. Everything started to break up, and began to fade, and I tried to hold on, I closed my eyes tightly and looked for him, but it was too late...he had left. He was gone. I stood alone in the square looking hard once again into the shadows. I spun around looking, looking, only to find I was alone now.

But he was there, and he came to me, and it was the sweetest moment, even it was just that, a single, beautiful, shared moment.

We're back. What an amazing trip! Italy is magical. Full of history and art and glorious architecture. The rolling hills of tuscany soothed our souls, the medieval city of Siena surprised us, the grandeur of Florence inspired us, the jagged rocky shores of Cinque Terre awed us, the mirror-like Lake Como spoke to us, the majestic Italian Alps humbled us, and Venice...just knocked our socks off! Simply an amazing trip.

We are glad to be home, though. I missed our two dear dogs, was nervous a few times about the baby. It's good to be close to my doctor again, just in case. My belly doubled in size, I swear! Who knows if it is all baby, could be the gelato, or the panne cotta, or all the decadent lunches and dinners we indulged in-OH,MY!

I missed you all and thought of you so often. I'm still trying to catch up on reading everyone's blogs. I hope you all had a good two weeks and found only good news around each corner. I can't wait to check in with all of you.
Good to be home.

We are leaving tomorrow for our trip to Italy. When we return we will be under 100 days until for our baby's arrival. That seems impossible!
Have a great 2 weeks everyone! I can't wait to check in with you on my return.

Ciao!!

I finally called my step-mother last night to tell her that we're pregnant. She was kind and gracious and genuinely excited for us. She asked lots of questions and shared some of her own personal stories. She sounded like she's doing better. I know she is still struggling and missing Dad. I had hoped she would say something about him, that he would be happy for us, or that they had talked about us trying, something, but she didn't. Frankly, I think it's too hard for her to even let herself think that way.

I asked for her new email and said I would like to stay more connected. She was very open to that and thought that would be an easier way to send tidbits to each other. I know where she moved to now and will stop by the next time I am in town. I can help with getting groceries or something.

Sigh.

I wonder if that ache ever goes away.

We are over halfway through the pregnancy now. 22 weeks and 2 days. It's not a monumental milestone today, no real reason to make note of what my thoughts are or what I am feeling, yet today I feel like I need to write you a letter and tell you how long we have been waiting for you.

Your daddy and I have been crazy in love with each other for a long time now. We met in college when I was 19, some 18 years ago. I remember exactly what he looked liked, and what he was wearing that day-khaki pants, a white button down with the sleeves rolled up, a black and gold striped tie(our college colors), no socks, and a pair of topsiders, or were they penny loafers. Alright, almostt exactly. I didn't know I was in love with him in that moment, although, I probably was. For the longest time I thought a lot of him, but kept thinking if I could find someone like him, I'd be a lucky girl. I never really thought that he would BE my true love. I'm so glad I was mistaken.

We did lots of crazy things together, the first one was moving to NY, without really thinking much about it at all. We've lived in a handful of places across the country, sometimes we moved together, sometimes one of us had a great opportunity that the other supported and we lived apart for awhile. Somehow we always came back again. Then we finally got married on a perfect day in September on Keuka Lake.

Almost immediately we started talking about wanting you. I remember that day vividly, too. We were on a hike. It's one of our favorite places to go. We call it Super Secret, because no one really knows about this gem of a trail. We've only ever seen one other guy out there and we made a pact not to tell anyone else. He felt the same about our hidden spot. We walked along that day not knowing at all how difficult our path to you would be, or how long it would take. We were excited that we felt ready to bring you into our lives. We walked together holding hands, giggling, saying things like,"Really??" "This is it?" "Time to start a family??" "Are you sure??" All the answers were, "Yes!"

We took trips and talked about you. Once on a trip to Door County, we even bought you a hand knit sweater. I picked it up and your daddy was watching me. He came over and said, "Yes, I think we should get it." We had already been trying to find you for awhile then, and I didn't know if having the sweater and not you would be too difficult. But, we did buy it. We bought it and took it home and put it on a child's hangar that used to be mine, and before me, it used to be your grandma's. We hung it on the wall in our bedroom. And we waited for you...and waited...and waited.

We started to look for a our first home. We always took into consideration where you would go to school. Which bedroom in the house would be yours. What your yard would look like. And we kept waiting for you. We couldn't decide on a house.

Your grandpa got sick. He and I talked about you. I told him he couldn't go until he met you. He waited a year to the day and we thought you we were on your way to us, but we were wrong. Grandpa left us and we kept waiting for you.

Then there was a day that not having you did hurt too much and I took the sweater down, folded it up, and placed it in a special place.

We finally bought a house that was too far away from schools and didn't have enough bedrooms. We didn't think you were coming, but luckily, we were wrong again. We finally learned that you are coming and, my sweet little one, we couldn't be happier.

I feel you all of the time in my belly rolling and kicking. It's a magical feeling that I never thought I would feel. There are so many things we want to share with you and learn from you. We can't wait for you to join us at last. We'll try to get everything ready for you, we'll try to guide you the best we can, we will try to be flexible and learn and grow with you, but I can guarantee you that we will love you with no bounds.

Well, we did it. We bought our tickets and will be leaving for Italy in two and 1/2 weeks!!
We have been wanting to take one last big trip together, just the two of us, so we found these GREAT tickets and decided, OK just take the plunge. We will rent a car and travel to Cinque Terre, Florence, and Venice. I've always wanted to visit Cinque Terre!! So, maybe we'll spend a week there and then split the second week between Florence and Venice. We like to go with a loose itinerary and then just see where it takes us. We are both pretty spontaneous and don't like to fuss about the minute travel details that can stress you out.
I always get a little nervous once we make the decision to go away; I HATE to fly, but it's a necessary evil to get to see the world.

Lots to do before we leave!!

The baby is moving so much all of the time. It still feels amazing and doesn't hurt at all or feel uncomfortable yet, so I am really loving being pregnant right now. I used to have such fear about what it would feel like for me to be pregnant given my severe endo. When I was in my pain cycle with endo, I would see pregnant women and it would make me nauseous. I know it seems irrational, but I was convinced it would be unbearable. I was terrified about what I would do if I couldn't take pain meds. I couldn't imagine anymore pain from the pressure they must be feeling, but I've only had some mild discomfort from the endo. I hope this pregnancy does help me out long term in the pain department. They say it can. Could I get that lucky??

OH! and S felt his first real kick on our anniversary, so that was fun for us! Thanks, Babe, for the anniversary present. Awful sweet of ya. ; )

Our house is almost all painted now. It looks great! I love the way I feel when I see our little charming home now, our cozy little spot. I can't wait to share our life with our little one! My fears are getting less and less, and I find myself feeling excited more and more about becoming parents. Don't get me wrong, I still get that roller coaster belly now and again when I think about the magnitude of the major change that we will face, but soon I feel the joy overtake the fear and find myself more confident about how we will work through this together.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!! May this be the first of many hurdles cleared along the way!!

Yesterday was my wedding anniversary. Our 4th. We've been together 16 years, though. I know, I know. We are two very independent people and it was just the only way we could journey to get where we are. It just worked out that way for us, and we couldn't imagine it happening any other way.

We took the day off from work and spent it with each other-just playing, mostly. We had a wonderful day that ended with us having a row together and a lovely dinner full of decadent things. I'm so lucky to have S in my life. We have had amazing adventures so far, just the two of us, and now we are truly embarking on our biggest, scariest, and most important one yet with this child.

I love and adore you so much, S. I thank my lucky stars for this life we share together.

The water is wide,
I can't cross o'er,
and neither do I,
have wings to fly,
but we'll build a boat,
big enough for two,
and both shall row,
my love and I.

This morning as I rowed, there above me flew a seagull. Occasionally another one or two would join us, but for a long stretch it was just he and I, floating, gliding, flying above the earth. As he flew it seemed that in his wings he held the early morning light of our day. His white belly and wings glowing a brillant orange. With each flap, they would fill back up again, full of light, full of the potential of a new day. He would squawk a bit and I would whistle his call back to him. We continued this conversation up the lake.

Normally while I row, I must keep my mind on rowing, my gaze at the stern of my boat so as to not flip the boat over, but I couldn't help but lay back and watch him while I rowed. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. This was a bit precarious, really, as I felt a little disoriented, but that disorientation allowed me to actually feel like I was flying with him. My oars felt like wings with every stroke, my long skinny boat mimicked his long slender body. Together we flew. It was magnificent.

I've always wanted to be a bird, flying high in the sky, riding a warm summer breeze. I would soar like a pelican, gracefully and effortlessly, with strength. My dreams have been filled with this kind of unusual vividness.

Today, this seagull gave me the gift of flight, for a few moments, I felt suspended with him, soaring above the earth in all the splendor of a September sunrise.

Lots of movement being felt now from our little one. I can say I felt my first real kick last night. It scared me to death when it happened. I yelled at S to come over and put his hand on my belly, thinking this was it, finally he would be able to feel the babe, but he couldn't feel it. "Real prankster, that's what he is," he said all grumbly. I know he wants to feel the movement, too. It should be sometime soon for him. The little tike is only 12 ounces, though, so how powerful of a kick could they really send out into the world? It felt pretty strong last night, though.

I feel a lot of movement throughout the day, too. especially today more than any other day. They say normally it happens at night, but my guy or girl, so far is active right along with me.

We had our 20 week ultrasound today and everything looks great. How about that for good, easy news?
Our little one measured in at 20 weeks 2 days on average, in the 49th percentile, and at a guessing weight of 12 ounces. Heartbeat was in the lower range of 120's. The baby was lying from side to side, head up around my ribs.

S/he is so much bigger than when we last spied on her/him. Very reassuring to see all parts in place and measuring okay. No funny placenta previa or anything to note. My blood pressure had been climbing up gradually, but today it was back down to 113/63. Maybe it was all the worry before that had my blood pressure skyrocketing.

It seems crazy that we are over the halfway mark now. My belly is growing slowly and I do find myself wanting to waddle, but try to focus on good posture and walking normally. I really can't imagine getting bigger, but, oh, I know it's coming.

...

On the home front we got a wild hair and decided to paint our house this past labor day weekend. We are about halfway done and it looks so much better. I think I've mentioned that we bought a fixer-upper. Last year we did everything on the inside and were waiting for this spring or fall to paint the outside. So, we finally took the plunge and did it. We love the color and it looks so much more charming and inviting.

Oh, and S turned down the NY job. Figured we stay here another year or two, maybe 3?

That's all I have.

Last night we went out for our row later than we should have. We hemmed and hawd about it, and then as soon as we decided on a yes, we ran down our oars to the dock as fast as we could, begging the light to linger.

The still water was black like ink. I felt a bit like a genie rowing in a bottle. You could see the perfect puddles push past the boat, its rim highlighted by the remaining glow of the day. I imagined myself a pen, my oars leaving the thoughts of the day written in an artistic calligraphy atop the glass lake.

I can still see the beauty.


...

Went to doc yesterday as I started leaking a lot of watery fluid. They wanted to make sure it wasn't amniotic fluid-and it wasn't. Everything continues to move along in the right direction. Our big 20 week ultrasound is next Wednesday.

Yesterday while I sat at my computer, I placed my headphones on my belly and played some of my favorite music. Our little one started moving and became quite active. I imagine a little dancing going on on my cervical floor.

S was given a book by a friend meant to read to the baby in utero and he finally did so last night. It was really touching. He put his mouth right up against my stomach and mumbled into my shirt. I wanted to laugh, thinking to myself, if it sounds that muffle-y out here, I can only imagine what version is making it to the babe, but I was so touched by how passionately he was reading that I let the laughter stay with me.

*the photo is of my dad and I dancing at my wedding.


I miss my father. I miss hearing his strong silly voice on the other end of the phone calling for no reason. I miss being able to say, "Hi, Pop," right back to him in a carefree, happy to hear from him kind of tone, and then, "I was just going to call you" because I really was just about to call him every time he'd call me. I miss sharing my life with him, the failures and successes. I miss baking my great grandmother's recipe of kolaches just for him and waiting to hear back the verdict about the latest batch. "More like a Kreppel kolache, this time, honey. Mmm, good."

I know it's time to call my step-mother and tell her that we are pregnant. I had wanted to early on, but I thought I should wait until the 3 month mark, and then the bad test results presented another reason to wait, then the wait for the amnio pushed it back again. Now there is nothing stopping me except the fact that I haven't called to check in with her for so long. We have always had a strained relationship, to say the least. I could write pages and pages on that and you would all be shocked to hear the details. Dumbstruck over why my big strong amazing father never really knew what to do about it. But, I forgave him, eventually, and I think I've even forgiven her, now. It's all in the past, and there isn't a darn thing I can do to change the course it took or how venomous it got. It wouldn't bring back my father. And honestly, I threw everything I had at it at the time, so I'm not sure what else I could've done differently.

Over the course of my father's last week, and then through the funeral planning, she began to soften towards me. Dad was now gone, and I no longer a perceived threat to her. I welcomed her kindness, and was surprised by it, and saddened that it was really possible, but hadn't happened until now.

She never really cared for any of our family's food traditions, except maybe the cinnamon rolls. Dad had a hankering for many things that I would never even think of eating myself (pickled pig's feet, pickled herring, head cheese, cow's tongue-yeck!), but there are many things that my grandmother used to make that I would do just about anything for, her poppyseed kolaches being first on the list. Any of her sweet bread items, really, would make any grown man or woman beg. The bucdha, the rolls, the hoska, the braided breads, the cinnamon rolls, and beyond that, her czech goulash, her zellie, her dumplings-oh, her dumplings, anything that she canned, but especially her beets (one of dad's favorites,too), and her pickles (can I just say, I would kill for a few jars of those pickles!)were all out of this world.

After she died, it took me 3 years to get a batch of kolaches that even resembled anything edible. I remember the year I finally thought I had something worthwhile that I could send to Dad. I didn't tell them they were coming. I'm sure between losing his mom, and the time that had passed since his last kolache, and the surprise of receiving an entire box of all sorts and kinds, was overwhelming for him in a way that I can only imagine now, after losing one of my own parents. I remember when the phone rang and he was on the other line, choked up and so appreciative. After he cleared his throat a few times he went on to tell me just how special it was to receive them, and that mine were more like his grandmother's than his mom's. I knew he was right, although I had tried os hard to get them to taste just like grandma's. Many years later I pondered that statement. I had tried so hard to make my kolaches taste like my grandmother's, but had she tried for many years to get hers to taste like her mom's? I stopped being so hard on myself after that and began to take it as a compliment, which was what my father had always intended. I sent him a batch every Father's Day and Christmas after that first box.

This Christmas, the first without dad, I baked a batch of cinnamon rolls for my step-mom, and I threw n a couple kolaches for the heck of it. I'm not sure who I did it for-her, or myself, or for Dad. I personally delivered them, a little afraid of how I'd be received. She genuinely enjoyed the gesture and I was glad I had made the effort. But, honestly, I haven't reached out much to her since, a few calls, then she moved, and her number changed, and she changed the joint email she shared with my dad, and, and, and, it just became too easy not to contact her. I felt deceptive, too, having our baby news, but too afraid to tell it, afraid I'd cave if I called and then, what if something went wrong? I just couldn't bear to make that phone call.

But, I know it's time. I have some hope that she may be happy for us. My biggest hope is that she may say something about what she thinks dad might have said, but it's also my biggest fear that she won't. I hope that on some level it will allow more healing.

I need to make the call, it's all a part of the recipe, I think. And then, I need to bake a batch of kolaches.

My early morning row this morning had me quietly cutting through the fog in my boat
I love the rhythmic cadence of the movement; it’s like making music, really. This time of year is always magical to be on the water, as the air temperature drops below the water temperature and you are swallowed up whole by the rising steam.

I haven’t felt this relaxed or fulfilled on the water in a long time. Maybe because I haven’t felt like rowing, haven’t felt like doing much of the things I love these last few years, really. It’s been a rough go of it, the IF, losing my dad, my cancer scare, my mom’s cancer and then her heart attack. I would make myself do it, try to trick myself into finding the beauty in it, but I seldom did, until this morning.

With each stroke, my world quickly became less and less discernable, and slowly as the shore began to fade into the fog, so did my own darkness. I felt light, the stroke felt easy, effortless. There were no landmarks to remind me of where I was, I just glided along in my new foreign surrounding, and then suddenly, there it was, the undeniable beauty, the feeling I hadn’t felt in so long, there it was spilling over from my heart right into my boat. The feeling was strong and powerful, just like I had remembered, the scene no longer felt strange or foreign, either, but so familiar and comforting. These were the moments that used to make me feel alive and joyful, and there I was, right in the middle of all of it.

There were many days and nights during my IF struggles that I wondered if I would ever feel like me again, or if that girl had been swallowed up whole by endometriosis. Many times I would answer that question with a hopeless no, and some days hearing that in my head was more than I felt I could bear. Who was I if I couldn’t enjoy my life?

This morning I realized the answer has always been yes.

As I looked over and saw my husband rowing beside me, I knew it was a morning to cherish. We won’t be able to do this early morning row together once the baby arrives. These mornings over the next 5 months deserve to be savored and truly enjoyed.

We had a fantastic weekend. S and I had a lovely date night on Friday night-went to a new winery (don't worry, I didn't drink). S did a wine tasting and then we bought some cheese and crackers and sat outside under a beautiful summer sky that was highlighted by a gorgeous sunset that let to a full moon rise. There was live music that filled in the spaces and cozy fires burning in stone hearths around the grounds. We sat cozied up and felt lucky to be outside taking it all in with each other.

Saturday we attended a funeral of an exceptional 90 year old woman. IT was sad, yes, but also inspiring to celebrate a life well lived. At one point there was a standing ovation to her for just that. The church was full of people of all ages. She touched so many peoples' lives and we were lucky enough to be 2 of them.

We then went home after running some errands and worked on our house and finished up some projects outside. We had a dear friend over for dinner and cake and ice cream, of course, to celebrate his 61st birthday. Sunday we woke up, had a lovely row on our lake and were greeted by my mom and niece as we came into the dock. We did a little shopping for my niece and then went boating and swimming together. My niece wanted to try kayaking, so we taught her how, and she was off! She did a great job! IT was such fun having them there with us. My mom hasn't been for a visit for months, and little E has never been to our house, so it was fun to show them all the progress and explore the park together. We lured them in with dinner to get them to stay a little longer, but couldn't quite convince them to spend the night. (well, my mom, anyway E was all over the idea of staying as long as she could.)

It was so enjoyable. It wasn't filled with angst or worry. It wasn't filled with longing or fear. Instead, it was full of love and appreciation for all we have in our lives. A perfect couple of days.
..........

On the baby front, I feel like my stomach doubled in size this weekend. It's a strange thing to watch your body being transformed. Some days I find it a little terrifying, while other times I am full of wonderment and joy. It is a transformation, for sure. One that has you questioning everything about your life, the future of your relationship, your identity. An amazing process, really. I wish I could talk to the me on the other side right now. I know I would have so much advice for myself. I just wonder what it all would be. It won't be long before I meet her. The me that will be a mother. It is such an exciting mix of emotions.

Well, things are moving right along. I've started ordering things for the nursery. We live in a state park by a lake. It's a lovely woodsy environment, so I've had my eye on a few things that I've been wanting to get for the nursery. After the results came in on Friday, I started ordering on Monday and things have begun arriving in the mail. Exciting.
I picked out a tree wall decal and some original prints of some woodland critters to adorn the walls. All things you would find around our home;squirrels, fireflies, foxes, owls, etc. I don't want pink or blue, besides we aren't going to find out the sex, so a neutral room is in order. Something subtle and not overdone, but fun. The color of the walls is pretty much the same as the color in the tree decal, but a lighter hue and a little warmer.

Take a look at the recent purchases.

I can't stop crying.

The nurse called. I could tell I didn't recognize her voice, so immediately I felt guarded, and a voice inside my heart said, "This is it". When she said where she was from and why she was calling and asked if I was in a place where I could talk, my heart began to race, I sat down, and braced myself. She said, "Are you ready for some good news this Friday morning?" I couldn't talk. I couldn't answer. I just started sobbing.

"All the chromosomes look great. You've had a really long wait and now it's time to celebrate."

There are no words to describe how I feel right now. All the fear, all the worry, all the energy trying not to feel any of it. And now, now I have a healthy baby, and I feel like I've hit life's big jackpot. How did I do that? It's bigger and better than finally seeing those 2 lines, it's better than telling S that we made it to the other side, this is better than anything I have ever felt.

I can't stop crying, I'm so happy. And relieved. And grateful, so very, very grateful. Oh, my, I don't believe it. I just do not believe it.

It IS time to celebrate. It is time to embrace this miracle. If I could just stop crying...

I did get in touch with my nurse, the one that called me with the initial bad news and who, then, over the next 48 hours spent a total of about 6 hours on the phone with me. She was very willing to call over to the lab for me today, but the results are not in. I knew I would've heard something if they were, but again, I am not a patient person by nature. Another week, she said, at least.

I've really done pretty well up until now. But, now? Now I am crumbling. What kind of crazy distractions can I come up with until next week? Any ideas?

Dinner went OK. I'm glad I did go and not cancel. It was still difficult listening to her talk about her son and how wonderful it is to be a mom, and then discuss her new pregnancy, again, all the while not knowing the outcome of our treatments. She never asked about it or how I was doing. I could chalk this up to the fact she just doesn't know what to say, but it was still just awkward. She knew we had gone on a few trips recently and knew we were still planning one last big hoorah trip this fall, all without knowing that my recent trips have been escapes and distractions to help get us through the waiting, and that the big trip was to hopefully be our celebration trip and baby moon. But, she made snide comments about not being able to run off on a big trip because of her son and now her pregnancy and she openly gushed about that and how wonderful her boy is and what a great age and oh did I tell you about the amazing things he's doing? There's the sting. Doesn't she realize I would have gladly stayed home the last 4 years from any trips with my own son that I could never conceive. Instead I smiled and told her how lucky she is.

Finally at the end of dinner I did blurt out that I was pregnant. We left the restaurant and went for a walk while I tried to explain to her what the last 6 moths have really been like. She was surprised and happy for us, but again, her way of trying to connect to me just gets me angry. She actually said she knew exactly how it felt to be me because they had actually had to try for 4 months to get pregnant this second time, and then she finally decided to chart a month, and then it worked. Really? You know how I feel? Are you kidding me? You charted one month and it worked for your second child?? I was at a loss for words and I didn't want to come off sounding angry and bitter, though I was, I was. So I opted to just smile and nod.

So now she has heard the news she thinks it all melts away and everything is back to normal and totally fine. I wish it were that easy. But seriously, will any of us ever be the same before this torturous roller coaster? I do believe we are different, and hopefully closer with our partners, if we are lucky that it didn't tear us apart. We are stronger and wiser, but we won't be the same.

She immediately decided we should all get together and go celebrate. I told her that until my results come in I don't feel like celebrating, and that it's still hard to hang out with her family right now. She looked hurt and a little confused when I told her that. I tried to reassure her that it's really no one's fault, it's just a side effect of infertility, and with time it may heal, but I need to focus on my situation right now, that I want to go through my pregnancy on my own ( selfish girl, please don't let lightening strike me down). In the end I still don't know if she got it. Most of her comments made me feel like she was way off base, and I know in my heart that it would be really hard to understand if you were given the storybook route to try and grasp that there is also a nightmare path out there for some of us.

I just hope now I can have a little breathing room from her. I do feel better that I was direct and asked for what I need right now. I do wish that she understood and that we could talk more openly about it, that I could actually lean on her for support, but I have come to terms that she is just not that person for me.

...

I am starting to go a little crazy with waiting for the results. I put a call into the hospital just to make sure by some miraculous event the results didn't come back early and are sitting on a desk waiting to be given to me somewhere while I bite my nails down to nubbins. I haven't heard anything back.

I've talked to you about her before(you must read that post to really have an understanding of the rest of this bitter post). My very fertile friend that I've been trying to avoid like the plague. The last time we met for lunch she was saying how she was mad at her husband and wasn't going to try for a second baby for awhile. Hmm. OK. Then she was calling again wanting to have us all over at her house for an evening, but I redirected to lunch with just her and I to avoid hanging out all night with her son, I know, I'm terrible. I just had a hunch she was going to drop the "I'm pregnant!" bomb on me again. So, we tried to schedule a lunch, but it was always around a potential land mine date, like my transfer day-what if there weren't any eggs to transfer? I'd reschedule, then it was on my first beta test day. Reschedule. Then my second beta test-nope, no good. The day of my first ultrasound? Ummm...no. The day after they called me at work and told me that my chances of having a baby with Trisomy 18 were ridiculously high...let's see, sorry, can' t make it. OK, then, how about the afternoon of my CVS test? Won't be able to. Any day between now and the amnio? I think I'll be out of town, somewhere with my head in the sand. Oh, Ok then. But, by now she was really starting to get peeved. So I caved, thinking that I would have had my results from the amnio in 2 days- I carefully scheduled it for, well, tonight.
Last night the phone rings. It's fertile myrtle. She wants to discuss where we will go for dinner and then chat. Isn't that what the dinner is for? Now mind you, she has no idea I'm pregnant. Last she knew we were past one failed injectable cycle heading into our 2 WW of another failed injectable cycle with the IVF plans on the horizon. Again, I don't think she tries to be insensitive, she just has no idea how to be supportive through this. She is quite frankly clueless about it all. So, before we hang up she stops me and awkwardly blurts out that she is pregnant-5 months and wanted me to know-that and how hard the pregnancy has already been. Great. That means the first month you tried to get pregnant-BAM! it worked. The second time you tried you also got pregnant on try number 1. Good job! Way to go! And now, I'm in this pregnant purgatory of sorts and you have been trying to tell me while I was going through IVF and every moment after not knowing where or how we are doing? Really? I think this might finally push me over the edge.
On one hand I feel terrible for feeling any of this because I AM pregnant. I'm a lucky one. A very, very lucky one. I may not have a live baby at the end of this pregnancy to love and to hold, but I did get this far. This may be the only time I am pregnant. I want to enjoy it as much as possible, every bit of nausea and bout of fatigue, the round ligament pain stretching- I get to feel it. I do. I am blessed. But I am also scared as hell. And it hasn't been an easy road to get here.
For whatever reason she has been The One for me. I think a lot of us have One. The girl that you come across in your IF journey that just pours salt on your very raw gaping open wounds. Her presence, or words, or stories, or inability to say the right thing, just stings.
I think it is finally time for me to tell her. I need to come clean. I need to explain that infertility can wreak havoc on the best of us. It can beat us down to such a low level that we hardly recognize ourselves. It takes its toll not only on us, but on our loved ones, our work, and our relationships. And for whatever reason, some survive and some don't. Our friendship isn't going to survive it. And I'm sorry.
I don't even think I can tell her that we did indeed get pregnant. I can't begin to explain to her why I couldn't shout it from the mountain tops like she did the week after her HPT. She was blissfully ignorant. None of us will have that luxury. If, if , if we do get pregnant we will all have, to some extent, a tentative pregnancy. Oh, we'll be joyful, yes, indeed, but in a cautiously optimistic I don't want to jinx this sort of way. How can we not after all the disappointment we have faced along the way? How do we not protect our hearts just a little? I think it's called survival.
I guess I shouldn't lump everyone into this category, that's not fair. Maybe had we had good news from the outset I would have aleady begun to heal, but it just feels like more of the same. Except I don't fit in anywhere. At this very moment, I am not technically infertile, but I surely don't feel like I'm really pregnant. It's a lonely place that is ridden with guilt and yet filled with hope. Who am I to complain? I apologize for the whining. But that green eyed monster has a hold on me today, and it's not pretty.

16 weeks today and holding our breath.

Tuesday came and went and I survived the amnio, and so did the baby, thank heavens. I was seriously a wreck and so afraid something bad would happen. The amnio wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but wasn't a walk in the park. My doc doesn't use any numbing agent, so it's a bit of a stick. The worst part truly is going into your uterus and then back out again. I would have much preferred that she warn me about when that would happen so I could do some deep breathing or something. That night I had cramping, which can be normal, but mine was a little worse than just cramping. From about 10 pm- to 2 am, I was on all fours in bed holding onto my abdomen begging that it stop. The cramping was getting stronger and I was terrified. S was great. He soothed me, tried rubbing my back, stroking my face, but once he held me with his hand on my ow stomach, the cramping seemed to ease. I finally fell asleep. Went back to the doc on Wednesday and everything checked out. No more cramping since.

When the last round of testing went amuck and we had to wait another handful of weeks for the amnio, they told us we would have results in 2 days following the procedure. However, this doctor didn't want to take any extra amniotic fluid than was needed, so there wasn't enough to run the preliminary tests that bring back those speedy results. Now, we have to wait another 2-3 weeks. I'm hoping that it's more like 2. And I thought the 2 week wait was bad. Egads.

So, I really don't have much to share, but wanted to stay connected.

I did finally tell everyone here at work yesterday. There's just no way I could hide my belly for 2-3 more weeks. People were really kind. I'm so relieved and sooo much more comfortable today wearing clothes that fit!!

On the Life front of things, S was offered a job in NY. While we were back visiting he went on an interview there, and they love him (of course). I'm just not so sure about the timing of it all, and there wouldn't be anything for me, which would be a difficult thing, I have to admit, giving up my career. We'll see how it goes.

We've made it through the wait-tomorrow is our big day at the hospital. Sorry I haven't been writing, but it would have been nothing but posts full of fear and dread if I continued to focus on it here. I didn't need to be writing it (or feeling it) and you surely didn't need to be reading it. It's been easier to try to stay focused on anything but what lies ahead. I will be relieved when tomorrow is over, but will be on pins and needles until we receive the test results. With everything I have in me, please let it be OK. I fear I don't have the strength to face what could be. That said, I have been trying to fill myself with powerful positive peaceful thoughts. I've tried to internalize a sense of knowing that all will be wonderful. With every negative thought that has crept in, I've battled it with TWO positive thoughts. Take that, Fear! That is how I made it through our trip to NY to visit Sean's gushing family and somehow stopped myself from following up everyone's exuberant happiness with a , "Yes, but...". That is how I didn't turn into a puddle when 2 days ago I felt movement for the first time. I've tried to allow myself to be suspended in joy while we wait. I might as well choose that over the dread. And it is a choice. My choice. That is the only thing I have control over.

Amnio is tomorrow at 9:30. Please, send us any extra well wishes you may have. We need it.

S and I are leaving for upstate NY tomorrow morning, specifically the Finger Lakes. It's one of my favorite places, it's where we were married, and where S grew up. We'll be gone for a little over a week. It'll be a great distracter and great way to burn up one of the weeks that lay ahead of us. I'm, of course, a little nervous about being around family and having them all gush about me being pregnant while they have no idea about our tests or the recent turn of events. We are not telling anyone, except all of you.
I'm also nervous to have them see me and my weight gain, and I'm not really talking about the weight from this pregnancy yet, but from all the drugs prior, cycle after cycle. It's been awhile since they've seen us and as much as I'm trying not to worry about my weight now, but focus on getting through this pregnancy with a healthy baby and deal with my weight on the other side-please let there be another side- I can't help but worry about all of them worrying about my weight. Stupid, I know.

So we'll be gone and away from computers and the hospital and I think that will be fantastic. I'll miss checking in on all of you. I hope your spirits are good. Please take good care of yourself this week. Do at least one really special thing for yourself, just you. I'll do the same.

What a week. I will save you from all the crazy details and just get you up to speed. I was hoping today I would have some answers, but after spending 3 hours at the hospital this morning, I left not knowing any more than when we had arrived. They tried to do some testing, but the way the baby is positioned they can't. Well, technically they could, but it's too risky. So we wait 3 more weeks and we'll try again.

The good news is I stopped spotting, but the bad news is that I tested positive for Trisomy 18 chromosomal disorder. I'm at a VERY high risk. VERY HIGH. Of course, I also spent some time on the intranet searching for more info and also found this:

“[women with significantly low levels of this protein] were significantly more likely to experience fetal loss at less than or equal to 24 weeks, low birth weight, preeclampsia, gestational hypertension, preterm birth and stillbirth, preterm premature rupture of membranes, and placental abruption."

Again, it's one of those things that is out of my control. I can't change what I eat or how much I exercise to alter the outcome. I'm not sleeping through the night, as you can imagine. I worry during the day, but when darkness comes, and I'm alone surrounded by it and the silence, it's the worst for me. All we can do is wait. Every cramp has me worried.

I'll keep you updated. And thanks for the lovely comments. I really would have never made it this far without all of your shared and kind words. Whether it's reading your blogs everyday, or dear Joonie, who is always there, this journey hasn't been as lonely. Thanks to you all.

They think something is very wrong with the baby. I'm going in today.

I started spotting yesterday afternoon. I'm scared. I know there is nothing I can do about this. Either it will stop or it won't, regardless of what I do, who I bribe, or how much I beg.

I cried the whole way to work this morning, all 30 minutes, for absolutely no reason at all, unless you count crying about the fact that I was crying for no good reason.

Other news in the "what's happening to me" department. I can't seem to sleep. The crazy thing is all I want to do IS sleep. First, you must know that I am not a napper, ever. I have always fought going to sleep and I am praying hard I don't pass that one on to the bambino. I never really want the day to end and I don't want to miss out on anything. If my husband wants to stay up, I'm right there with him. Thank heavens he's not a night owl like me. Unfortunately, right now, when he rises early, like he normally does, I then wake and can't fall back to sleep. Mostly, I just can't fall asleep at all. I can't seem to let go of the day and let myself fall. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE sleep. One major fear I have about having a child is that I'm going to be a zombie for the next 18 years of my life. And I know that it's going to be difficult, but I'm pleading you, I'd like to get in as much of that sleep I'll soon be missing NOW. Once I finally do fall asleep, I have to get up and go to the loo. By the time I make it back to bed, well, the cycle has started all over again. It takes another 1 1/2 hours to fall back asleep, just in time to go to the loo again. I'm so frustrated. Then my work day comes and it's a battle to keep my eyes open. I'm talking a knock down drag out fight between me and my eye lids.

It's all so silly, but it's been a few weeks since I've really slept. Maybe that's the reason I can't stop crying. : )

Well, I turned into the weepy pregnant lady. I find that I now cry at the drop of a hat. My poor husband. Last night he was such a dear and took our dog, Gracie, to her obedience class without me so that I could try to get a nap. Soon after he left, the weather totally changed. By the time he should have been driving home the winds had picked up, the temp dropped 20 degrees, the rain was pelting down, followed by hail. I was a nervous wreck. All I could think about was that I was supposed to be with him and now at the last minute I changed our plans and I was so fearful for his safety. My mind went to scary dark places of losing him and I couldn't bear it! By the time he walked safely in the door I was sitting there, eyes swollen, crying like a complete blithering idiot. Oh, my!! He was sweet as he tried to reassure me and not laugh about my new all consuming fear ( well, one of them anyway! Holy moly.)

Our morning went very well. I really don't know if I have he words to express all of the emotions I felt this morning when the grouchy ultrasound nurse (we did get her to smile eventually) placed the very warm jelly on my belly, and suddenly before our very eyes a little tiny being appeared all wiggly. What a difference 3 weeks makes! This was no blob, no, no, now we get to peek at a little person, flailing around, and I'm not kidding, he looked just like S. I know that sounds crazy, but I told him that I thought it looked just like him and he laughed and said, I was thinking the same thing. Is that possible??

The whole thing seemed unbelievable to me. Miraculous. I can't really describe how I felt this time. It was different, more real, more incredible. I just don't believe this is us.

We have another ultrasound in 2 weeks to do some screening. I really liked this new OB. I had some problems with the office staff at the other office one this week so I made the decision to switch and feel good about that decision. This doctor was relaxed and not rushed at all. I felt like I could think through any questions and not feel like she was talking over me.

I'll post a pic later. Gotta go for now.

Sorry I haven't posted. On Thursday, June 14th, after 2 1/2 hours of sitting in traffic trying to find a way back to my home that wasn't flooded, I was met by a sheriff when I pulled into our neighborhood who handed me an evacuation notice. I knew we may lose water, so I had been stocking up everyday, 5 gallons here, 5 gallons there, but I didn't expect we would have to actually leave our home. We had lost both water and electricity and they were mostly afraid about the road that leads to our home being washed out (It was completely under water and impassable by the next day). So we packed. And I mean packed. Enough for, well, a disaster. All the extra food we had been stocking up on filled 3 coolers. We moved our boat to higher ground, kayaks, too, and packed the car as full as we could and headed to my mom's house a couple hours away. We crossed the bridge with a little room to spare as the rain came pouring down. I was nervous to say the least and can not tell you how much relief I felt once we were safe and sound in a city far away from the flood.
We returned Sunday night and everything at our house was dry and mostly back to normal. I wish I could say that was true for the rest of the area. It's truly devastating to see so many homes ruined, many not covered with flood insurance as they were out of the 500 year flood plain. Can you imagine? Only being reimbursed $25,000 for EVERYTHING? The city is a mess. Most roads and bridges still closed. Traffic is terrible, people are stressed. It's an awful environment, but I am grateful for only having some inconvenience compared to those who have lost so much.

Other updates include another ultrasound for me tomorrow morning. I'm biting my nails. I wonder if I will ever stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. There has been such sad news from others recently and I feel guilty to not be joining them. It's just not how it's supposed to be.

My symptoms continue, and I am certainly not complaining, but rather reporting in case anyone is interested and so I remember. I've had nausea pretty constantly. Everything seems unappealing, except some things that I just should not be eating, like fries and chips, and bread. Basically anything starchy and salty. It's so strange. Then there is something that I seem to love for one meal and then can not stand the sight of the next. And TMI here, but I have never been so constipated in my life. I didn't know it could be this bad, but I'm trying to handle it, and remind myself it won't lat forever and to even enjoy all the crazy, good and bad, symptoms. I've waited so long for it, and in a strange (sick) way it's comforting when those symptoms are there. I get nervous if I feel a moment of "Hmm, I don't feel so badly." I have days where I'm utterly exhausted. I seriously feel drugged. Today is one of those days so I'm leaving work a little early to try to get get a nap in.

I'll update with news from tomorrow's appt. This is all out of our hands and truly is a waiting game.
...

Thanks for checking in on me, Joonie. When I read about your sad news I cried all morning. I've been thinking about you and wondering how you're doing everyday. If there is anything I can do for you or offer, I'm here.

But, I couldn't help it. Our entire city is in dire straits due to flooding. Here at work a call went out saying we would get paid to sandbag and help our community. I couldn't just sit around and not help out.

Our own house is not threatened by the high water, although some around us are. The road to our home is in danger of flooding which means that about 40 households will only be able to get and from our houses by boat. Egads.

So many homes are already past helping and now those people are just trying to save what they can out them. It's so sad to watch. This will be the worst flood here in history. Unimaginable.

I have to write and say how happy I am for a fellow blogger who has had one roller coaster of a ride this week. Up and down with emotion and hope, then disappoint and anguish, to be back riding along with hope, and now, I'm sure disbelief. Her beta started out at 16...and somehow found it's way up to 550!! Things are looking promising and until we hear otherwise, Joonie is PREGNANT!!!
Congratulations! I'm ecstatic! I hope you and I can go through this crazy life changing event together, no more mishaps along the way. I'm just so happy for you!

POOF! There goes the confetti!!!

Dear Dad,

I've been wanting to call you and hear your voice and your response when I tell you that I'm pregnant. You know how long we have been trying. We were in one of the many 2ww when you died. I was so sure that would be our month, but my body had so much sorrow and stress that it ended in yet another failed attempt, but you knew there was a chance. I told you and you let me know with your eyes that you were hopeful and would be happy for us.

In one of the rare moments we were alone that week, I also told you that before my baby came to me, I wanted you to know him/her. I wanted you to have an entire lifetime together before s/he came to us. That then, somehow, he would have a deep knowing and understanding of you and the two of you would have a bond that would be stronger than any you would have had shared on earth together. Maybe you heard me, and maybe that's why it's taken so long. Many times I've thought about the two of you fishing together or playing catch, like we used to do. I hope you went to the mountains together and camped and made fires and burned marshmallows together. I hope you shared all of your life stories and taught him/her determination and perseverance. I hope you went sledding down hills and made snowmen and had snowball fights. I hope you picked raspberries and ate more than you brought home.

Many times I've begged for some help from you. To pull some strings for us. I mean who wouldn't do that for you? Sometimes I was even angry with you. I'm sorry for that.

And now we've seen the heartbeat of our little one and all I want to do is call you. I want to share this joy with you, the biggest and greatest event that will ever happen to me in my lifetime is upon me and I can't share it with you. It's a deep sadness that rivals losing you all over again.

When we went to the ultrasound, Sean wore your favorite tie for me. He came down the stairs and tugged at the tie around his neck and said, "I thought someone would like to be with us today." Big tears rolled down my cheeks. And later that night, at the end of our big day, Sean took the tie off, draped it over the chair and took the dogs outside. I picked up your tie, closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. I felt your immense presence, I was right there against your chest wrapped in your arms. I could smell your cologne. The wind chimes outside began to sing. I knew you were there with me.

I know you already to know, but I need to tell you something really special. You are going to be a grandpa again. This time it's your little girl having the baby. I'll do my best to make sure s/he knows you. I will try to instill all the goodness you offered to me. I miss you desperately and love you so much more.

Love,
Your Little One

It's good news. I'm still in shock, but it's good news. I can't believe it. I really never, ever thought we would get here.

At first I saw the sac, but no heartbeat, and I was trying to brace myself for what news I had been dreading to hear, but then suddenly, there it was on the screen, fluttering away, working hard . So, we saw a heartbeat and a blob, but it was a blob that measured a glorious 8.8mm with a strong heartbeat for this stage of 136. I just sat there, shell shocked. FInally, the nurse was done with all of her exploring and measuring and she told me I could get dressed. I must have been dazed; I didn't move. She said t again, "OK, you can go get dressed now." Still, no movement from me. S said, "Honey?" "Oh, yes, sorry, I'm just still in shock." They all laughed nervously while I finally got up.

Then we met briefly with a nurse and then the resident doc came in instead of our doc and asked a few questions, gave a few recommendations for OBs, and then said, "OK, that's it, you're done here." Again, a bit of shock. No follow-up with all of the nurses I know by name, no meeting with Dr. Funny to celebrate, just a pleasant good-bye, and off we went. Strange. Weird.

S and I then went down to the hospital gift shop, which I had started doing, what, 4 years ago (it's been a long journey) when it was in a different part of the hospital before the remodel. I had this sort of ritual when I would go to the clinic and had to have something painful or scary done. Afterwards, I would go to the gift shop and buy myself something small, maybe some lotion or perfume, a handbag,a deck of fun playing cards, some thank you notes, or a pice of inexpensive jewelry. Then I'd stop at the really good coffee shop and indulge there, too. So, I had to go today, one last time, and look for something special to celebrate. I had jewelry in mind. Lots of local artists sell handmade pieces there, so I was hoping for something simple like that. S found a sweet silver bracelet that had a simple design on it, and on the other side of one of the silver pieces, it said mother. "I don't want to jinx us", I said. He looked at the store keeper and said, "We'll take this one", pointing at it. There clerk was an older woman, most of the women that work there are volunteers. She was dear. She told us that we made such a cute couple. He and I just smiled at each other. S kissed me. I cried.

So I'm taking everyone's advice and I'm going to stop being so afraid. I am going to be in this completely now, which means I know I'm at great risk for devastation, but aren't we all? Everyday, aren't we all?

Well, today never felt like it would get here and I never thought I'd be able to say, tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow is the ultrasound which will reveal to us whether or not this little embryo survived and grew into a fetus that may now have a heartbeat, and little arms and legs complete with fingers and toes. Most importantly, we need to see a CRL measurement that will let us know whether we will continue to be pregnant or not. We need a number of 8 for the CRL and the sac size should measure very close to 27.

I'm nervous and scared and feel like crying all of the time (and most times, I do). I'm in some weird limbo area, where I still see myself as infertile, yet I might be pregnant, so that doesn't quite add up. But for now, for these last 5 weeks, I HAVE been pregnant and I haven't been this happy in years.

All of this feels like part of a dream. I won't lie, I love the idea that we might have made it, but I'm terrified it will all be taken away, which I guess leaves me feeling like it'd be OK if tomorrow never comes.

What a getaway! We were spoiled and pampered and I loved every minute of it. We did all the things I said we would: took a 5 hour canoe trip complete with picnic, did a 45 mile bike ride ( a bit too much, probably, but good), saw the play "Harvey", went to a radio show that was Garrison Keillor-esque, had amazing dinners and incredible breakfasts (for example, ginger pancakes with lemon sauce-all homemade and organic YUM!), we hiked and lollygagged, we shopped. Great trip. Good job S!

Just in time, too, as the nausea has started. I went out over lunch today and bought Sea Bands. Have you heard of these things? Sounds silly, but they treat nausea associated with motion sickness, and yes, morning sickness. They are these hokey little wrist bands with a ball of plastic that puts pressure on some pressure point. WIthin minutes I felt much better.

5 more days until the ultrasound. I really can't wait to know if this pregnancy is looking healthy or not. I'm ready to be excited about all of this and want some reassurance that we are where we need to be. Our clinic only does the 2 beta tests and that's it. Long wait until the 7 week scan. We're almost there, though. Sean's mom called last night thinking this was the week we would know. She was really sweet and supportive.

I can't believe how big my belly still is from the enlarged ovaries. I don't have as much discomfort and pain as I did before, which I hope is OK.I'm running out of pants and over the weekend I wore the maternity capris I had stashed away. All my capris and shorts form last summer, a complete no go. So glad I had shopped already. I'm up 5 times a night now to use the restroom and find myself really exhausted all day. The evening walks seem to help a great deal, even though it's the last ting I want to go do, once I do it I feel loads better.

That's it for this update.

S planed a little romantic getaway for us this weekend. I took an extra day off on Tuesday, so we'll be gone for 4 lovely days, just S and I, oh, and the little bean. We'll do some kayaking and biking, and go to the theater, some shopping and fine dinning, of course. I'm so grateful he put this together for us. We need the break, it's been a long time since I have felt this happy. Why not enjoy it?

On an obsessive note, I did call the clinic yesterday grasping for reassurance, knowing there's nothing anyone can promise me. The nurse was kind and offered me an early ultrasound, but I'd still have to return on the 3rd, and well, we'd get more info out of the latter scan, so I'll just suck it up and wait.

So off we go, to take our minds off everything and just enjoy ourselves. I hope you all do the same. I'll be checking abck on Wednesday.