less traveled

What a getaway! We were spoiled and pampered and I loved every minute of it. We did all the things I said we would: took a 5 hour canoe trip complete with picnic, did a 45 mile bike ride ( a bit too much, probably, but good), saw the play "Harvey", went to a radio show that was Garrison Keillor-esque, had amazing dinners and incredible breakfasts (for example, ginger pancakes with lemon sauce-all homemade and organic YUM!), we hiked and lollygagged, we shopped. Great trip. Good job S!

Just in time, too, as the nausea has started. I went out over lunch today and bought Sea Bands. Have you heard of these things? Sounds silly, but they treat nausea associated with motion sickness, and yes, morning sickness. They are these hokey little wrist bands with a ball of plastic that puts pressure on some pressure point. WIthin minutes I felt much better.

5 more days until the ultrasound. I really can't wait to know if this pregnancy is looking healthy or not. I'm ready to be excited about all of this and want some reassurance that we are where we need to be. Our clinic only does the 2 beta tests and that's it. Long wait until the 7 week scan. We're almost there, though. Sean's mom called last night thinking this was the week we would know. She was really sweet and supportive.

I can't believe how big my belly still is from the enlarged ovaries. I don't have as much discomfort and pain as I did before, which I hope is OK.I'm running out of pants and over the weekend I wore the maternity capris I had stashed away. All my capris and shorts form last summer, a complete no go. So glad I had shopped already. I'm up 5 times a night now to use the restroom and find myself really exhausted all day. The evening walks seem to help a great deal, even though it's the last ting I want to go do, once I do it I feel loads better.

That's it for this update.

S planed a little romantic getaway for us this weekend. I took an extra day off on Tuesday, so we'll be gone for 4 lovely days, just S and I, oh, and the little bean. We'll do some kayaking and biking, and go to the theater, some shopping and fine dinning, of course. I'm so grateful he put this together for us. We need the break, it's been a long time since I have felt this happy. Why not enjoy it?

On an obsessive note, I did call the clinic yesterday grasping for reassurance, knowing there's nothing anyone can promise me. The nurse was kind and offered me an early ultrasound, but I'd still have to return on the 3rd, and well, we'd get more info out of the latter scan, so I'll just suck it up and wait.

So off we go, to take our minds off everything and just enjoy ourselves. I hope you all do the same. I'll be checking abck on Wednesday.

Today I am full of dread. It didn't start out that way, but a colleague of mine, who I found is going through her own IF journey while running into her at the clinic months ago, stopped by to check up on me. I told her about the positive tests and the good beta results, and that now all we need to do is get past the ultrasound. "Beware," she said. It turns out that with her second pregnancy she made it to the ultrasound, saw a heartbeat, and then the nurse took the CRL measurements and then told her that a doc would need to speak with her. Her heart sank and soon she learned that the measurement indicated that this pregnancy, like her last, would also end in a miscarriage. I know she's trying to protect me somehow, and prepare me, but now I am a nervous nilly and scared and my damn eyes won't stop leaking these tears. I am so afraid.

I know she did not have the beta blood tests ahead of time, and I also know there is no real way of knowing until I get to the ultrasound myself, and even then, there could be something else at any time, but I was just feeling more at peace and relieved, and well, happy. Now I am just a ball of nerves and am trying to figure out a way to stop obsessing.

13 more days.

More good news! My second beta is 402!! We are right on track and now, well, NOW I am starting to believe that I really am pregnant and there's a real chance we may become parents!! I'm in tears and can't wait until the ultrasound on June 3rd. They say if we make it that milestone and see a heartbeat, the chances of miscarriage go down to only 5%. Oh!! I don't think I reported that my progesterone was 220. Normal range is 20-60, and anything above 60? Well, no more PIO shots!!! Life is getting better by the blood draw!! Who thought you could find joy in a beta test?
I really believe our problem has solely been my severe endo, and now, whatever happens, we have hope to hang on to.
Happy Friday, Everyone! And those of you testing soon or holding positives right along with me, good luck to all of us. Thanks for sharing your own stories!!

We couldn't wait until tonight to hear the news. S and I went home over lunch to listen to the message from the hospital. My beta is 180! My E2 is 1106. Still waiting on my progesterone levels...

We called the parents and everyone was in tears. Everyone has been rooting for us and were all so sweet and happy. So hang on little one, hang on. There are lots of people who want to meet you!

The line was a little darker today. Other symptoms that would confirm the rise in HcG would be my tender ovaries are back. I'm more bloated again and uncomfortable. The real test is tomorrow. I won't know the results until the end of the day.

I saw 2 lines! And the digital stick actually said PREGNANT! I'm still dazed and stunned and so happy and grateful!

Here's the story:
I had done just the digi test on Saturday, it was negative. I was sure it was all over. Sean and I worked in the yard all day.I probably did more than I should have, but I kept saying in my head, "I'm not pregnant." Then on Sunday, Mother's Day, I finally made made myself get out of bed and go down and take the dreadful test. I knew there should be a stronger line today or this may not be happening for us this time. I did both tests again. While the digi test sat flashing while I waited I watched the line test. IT looked just like the others, very, very faint shadow-can-only-see-it-if-your-desperate of a line looked back at me. My heart sank. I closed my eyes while they filed with tears and then I looked again-and there was a darker line. A much darker line. I wasn't sure because my eyes were blurry from the tears. I wiped them away and turned around to look at the digi test on the counter and there was the word, PREGNANT, looking right back at me. I shook my head in disbelief and now started crying all over again. Sean was just outside the bathroom, totally out of the loop on all of my closet testing. I thought about all of the million times over the ways I wanted to surprise him one day when we finally found out, but I started shaking and bouncing on my toes, and I just couldn't hold it in. I went out to the family room, sat on his lap, pushed his shoulders back against the back of the couch and just looked at him, he says, for what felt like eternity. He thought I was going to tell him I got my period and was trying to temper his disappointment and summon the strength to support me. I finally said, Honey, I'm pregnant." My eyes spilling tears down my cheeks. He didn't hear me completely at first, the good news not quite getting all the way past the bad news gate. "What?" he asked. "I'm pregnant, I just tested." He grabbed me and held me and the 2 of us sobbed together.

We crossed another hurdle, and we both know how fragile this all is, but we will celebrate this success and hold it close to hearts and continue to wait out the process. My beta is Wednesday and we hope for a good number.

Can you believe it??

I've been tagged
The sweet joonie has tagged me for a meme! Which is funny because I think she's the only one that even reads my blog, so I won't have anyone to tag....

Four things I did ten years ago (1998 )
1. Moved to Kansas City from Pennsylvania with my dog on my birthday under a full moon and lived with my big brother until I got on my feet
2. Camped all by myself for the first time in Yellowstone Nat'l Park-woke up to find myself in a herd of elk
3. Landed my first job as a photographer
4. Found out my father's cancer had come back

Four things I did five years ago (2003)
1. Got engaged to my boyfriend of 12 years-I know, I know, we're both very independent and stubborn people.
2. My photography was represented for the first time by an art gallery
3. Lived completely on my own for the first time in my life while my now husband-then fiance moved to NY
4. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer

Four things I did yesterday
1. POAS and bought 5 boxes of HPTs
2. Planted 8 hostas and 9 lilies in my yard with my husband
3. Practiced lessons from dog obedience class with my dog, Gracie
4. Had another lovely PIO injection

Four shows I love to watch
Ooh, I don't watch much t.v., we don't even have cable...I know, I know.
1. House
2. Boston Legal
3. Extreme Home Makeover- I can't help it
4. American Idol-please don't cringe

Four things I love to do
1. Travel
2. Row
3. Anything outdoors-run (although it's mostly walking during IF treatment), rollerblade, ski, swim, hike
4. Camping and sitting around the fire

So, I went home yesterday, stopped to buy more needles for the PIO shots, and about 4 boxes of the sinful PG tests. I couldn’t even wait to get home, so I found the closest restroom-BFN. Now, I know it’s way too early yet to know for sure, so I decided to chalk it up to that and convince myself that’s it’s still good detective work, since now if I DO get a positive, I'll know that it's not from any lingering HcG from the trigger shot. So, I tried not to worry. I spent the evening with Sean in the yard planting more flowers and hostas and helping him mulch. Great distracter, by the way.

This morning I did another test, OK ,OK, 2 tests, and the digi test said not pregnant, HOWEVER, the the other test had the faintest line you’ve ever seen, barely there, maybe it wasn’t there, but I swear I saw something. It was more like a shadow on a a very very overcast day. See what I mean? I went back and checked on it about 10 times before I left for work this morning. Still there, I mean, if it was there to begin with. Anyway, I’m terrifyingly hopeful. Now we wait and pray that that ding dang line gets darker.

So much for the cautious part. I'm officially off the deep end now.

Ok, that's it. I'm going to buy a few boxes of P tests on my way home tonight. Sean has to work late, so I'll be able to sneak them into the drawer with no questions from the peanut gallery, much like I sneak in the new clothes or shoes I shouldn't be buying.
Tomorrow morning will be the first time I've tested at home in months. I can't take the suspense, but mostly, I want to prepare myself a little in case it's devastating news. I'm still having mild cramping, whatever that means. Progesterone? Pregnancy? Psychosis?

On an unrelated note, we took our sweet lunatic of a dog, Gracie, to her first obedience class last night. She was the only terrified dog in the room. She crawled under my chair and leaned against my legs for comfort while peeking out at the other dogs in the room who were all laid back and relaxed. A few barks, now and again, but nothing compared to my trembling and terrified pup who was shedding like crazy from a bad case of nerves. She was a stray and after last night I would imagine she had been in a a dog pound or something that resembled the cold cement room we were going to train in. I was so proud of her, though, as we finally started to traipse around the room practicing our heel command, she did so well. By the end of the class, she had settled in a bit. I hope next week will be easier for her. I can't wait for her learn so she can get reprimanded less on our daily walks. I know she's so smart and wants to please. I'm so grateful for her, as she brings so much joy to my life, even if she does eat all those new shoes I'm not supposed to be buying.

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Ok, so the cramping is getting much worse, I'm actually feeling it into my back now. I'm leaving now to go buy the tests and go home for the day. I can't concentrate on work anyway.

Last night at my acupuncture appointment I had all of these amazing snapshots run through my mind like a "This is your life" episode. I was trying to visualize the embryo implanting. So, there I was deep within my womb rooting on our little guy at the cellular level, then something happened, suddenly I saw him being born, completely from my perspective, then quickly the scene shifted. I saw him as a young toddler sitting in front of me in the afternoon light. All I could see was a little more than the side of his face, he was looking over his left shoulder back at me, his hair the color of Sean's with a beautiful rim light. Next, he was older, doing something silly, I can't even remember what, but I do remember the feeling of joy I had bursting from my chest watching him. Again, fast forward to his high school graduation. I was filled with pride and I looked to my left and an older, yet still very handsome, Sean beamed a knowing smile back at me, and that scene turned into he and I in his college dorm room getting him settled in. Next came the last scene. I almost saw him at his wedding, it was fuzzy. Then it all stopped just as quickly as the fast paced movie had begun.I was alone with a bunch of needles sticking out of me in a very drab room with some kind of Gregorian chant music playing in the background. It was strange. I wasn't dreaming, but it sure felt like a dream, or really more like a home video. I don't know. The whole thing made me cry, of course.

Later that night, Sean and I were dividing and relocating some hostas in the yard and he said, "Come here. You have something here." He reached up and lovingly smudged off the trail from my earlier tears. "Hmm, you have one on this side, too." He smudged the other side, then looked at me, "Were you crying?" I told him the whole matinee I had seen at my appointment. His ocean blue eyes welled up with tears and he reached out and held me.

Someone please tell me it's way too soon to POAS. I'm only 3dpt5dt.

The wait.
The hope.
The uncertainty.
The desire.
The doubt.
The up.
The down.
The certainty.
The questioning.
The fear.
The worry.
The knowing.
The unknown.
The dreams.
The emotion.
The caution.
The apprehension.
The trepidation.
The expectation.
The belief.
The elation.
The despair.
The longing.
The unbelievable deals you make with God.
The hope the hope the hope the hope the hope the hope.....

Well, I imagine our little embryo bouncing around my uterus like he/she is on the moon, trying to find a nice spot to place the fertility flag. First time a little fertilized blast has seen the likes of my foreign land. Everything went so well. I had Dr. Funny again. The transfer was the easiest part of this whole mess. Sean came in with me to the operating room where they did the ER, all decked out in scrubs. He looked so cute. The doc had no problem getting the catheter in. Hooray! I was surprised at how emotional I was to see it on the screen entering into my uterus. They showed us the 7 embryos, and again, I was hit with some strange emotions that I didn't expect to have. They only let me place 1 blastocyst. I tried for 2, but they have strict guidelines at this clinic based on my age and the grade of the blast.So, if I were 6 months older, or if my blasts weren't so good, I could've gotten 2. I really thought they would transfer 2. I read so many other blogs and lots of women transfer 2, and they are much younger than I. Oh, well. I even called over again today, just to see if they couldn't still put one more in. They think I'm crazy over there.

They played music for us while we waited the 30 minutes. S and I talked about all the positive outcomes. I cried. Now, honestly, I'm more scared than I have been so far. We've done everything we can. I'm having mild cramping this afternoon. I think that's normal.

Now, the wait. I wish there was some way to keep watching, play by play. I wish I could work harder, or DO something to make it to the finish line. I'm so competitive, and so willing to do whatever I need to, and yet, I have no control over this one. Nada. Nothing. No fair.

Please, oh please, oh please.

We still have those 7 eggs growing. They want to see them at 6 or 8 cells by today. We have 4 at 8 cells, 1 at 7 cells, 1 at 6 cells, and 1 at 5 cells. They then grade them, and you want the number to be 0. We have 1 8 cell at 1.0, the 7 cell is at 1.5, the 5 cell is at 1.0, and all the others are at .5. This is good news.
We are still planning on a Sunday transfer.

I am just hoping that fertilization was our big obstacle. How fantastic would it be if this works on this attempt.

I'm still pretty tender from the ER and I'm wondering if this is normal. Maybe I'll call over today and just ask. Anyone else out there have cramping and pain for days afterwards?

I swear, I'm going crazy. I can't focus on anything but my 9 little blasts-to-be. I did call over to get an update, but they said they don't do that everyday and we would hear from them on Sunday. Sunday?!?!? No way. I can't make it to Sunday without some kind of update. My sweet nurse said she did have to call the lab for something else today and could try to get some info for me. She did. She called back with news that the 9 are still growing and are right on course. She also convinced the woman in the lab to call me tomorrow with an update. How about that?
Also, I forgot to take my Medrol and Tetracycline this morning and I learned that those drugs are prescribed for ICSI and day 3 transfers or assisted hatching, all of which we will not be partaking in, so I don't have to take the rest. Yeehaw.
Ok, I must get back to work.....

Well, we've cleared the first hurdle! They retrieved 12 eggs. 11 fertilized. 9 made it to the next stage. They froze 2 at the pronuclear stage and now we are watching the other 7. I'm tickled that we have so many to work with. The retrieval went well. I didn't like going under at all. I had a hard time with that, but once they got me knocked out, it went seamlessly. A little tender from the surgery and tired, but happy to be at this point.

I'm still a little dazed. 12 eggs. 9 little buggers that are in a dish a few miles away trying to become our children. What a crazy way to make a family.

Thanks if you had well wishes for us. I'm so thankful.