less traveled

I started spotting yesterday afternoon. I'm scared. I know there is nothing I can do about this. Either it will stop or it won't, regardless of what I do, who I bribe, or how much I beg.

I cried the whole way to work this morning, all 30 minutes, for absolutely no reason at all, unless you count crying about the fact that I was crying for no good reason.

Other news in the "what's happening to me" department. I can't seem to sleep. The crazy thing is all I want to do IS sleep. First, you must know that I am not a napper, ever. I have always fought going to sleep and I am praying hard I don't pass that one on to the bambino. I never really want the day to end and I don't want to miss out on anything. If my husband wants to stay up, I'm right there with him. Thank heavens he's not a night owl like me. Unfortunately, right now, when he rises early, like he normally does, I then wake and can't fall back to sleep. Mostly, I just can't fall asleep at all. I can't seem to let go of the day and let myself fall. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE sleep. One major fear I have about having a child is that I'm going to be a zombie for the next 18 years of my life. And I know that it's going to be difficult, but I'm pleading you, I'd like to get in as much of that sleep I'll soon be missing NOW. Once I finally do fall asleep, I have to get up and go to the loo. By the time I make it back to bed, well, the cycle has started all over again. It takes another 1 1/2 hours to fall back asleep, just in time to go to the loo again. I'm so frustrated. Then my work day comes and it's a battle to keep my eyes open. I'm talking a knock down drag out fight between me and my eye lids.

It's all so silly, but it's been a few weeks since I've really slept. Maybe that's the reason I can't stop crying. : )

Well, I turned into the weepy pregnant lady. I find that I now cry at the drop of a hat. My poor husband. Last night he was such a dear and took our dog, Gracie, to her obedience class without me so that I could try to get a nap. Soon after he left, the weather totally changed. By the time he should have been driving home the winds had picked up, the temp dropped 20 degrees, the rain was pelting down, followed by hail. I was a nervous wreck. All I could think about was that I was supposed to be with him and now at the last minute I changed our plans and I was so fearful for his safety. My mind went to scary dark places of losing him and I couldn't bear it! By the time he walked safely in the door I was sitting there, eyes swollen, crying like a complete blithering idiot. Oh, my!! He was sweet as he tried to reassure me and not laugh about my new all consuming fear ( well, one of them anyway! Holy moly.)

Our morning went very well. I really don't know if I have he words to express all of the emotions I felt this morning when the grouchy ultrasound nurse (we did get her to smile eventually) placed the very warm jelly on my belly, and suddenly before our very eyes a little tiny being appeared all wiggly. What a difference 3 weeks makes! This was no blob, no, no, now we get to peek at a little person, flailing around, and I'm not kidding, he looked just like S. I know that sounds crazy, but I told him that I thought it looked just like him and he laughed and said, I was thinking the same thing. Is that possible??

The whole thing seemed unbelievable to me. Miraculous. I can't really describe how I felt this time. It was different, more real, more incredible. I just don't believe this is us.

We have another ultrasound in 2 weeks to do some screening. I really liked this new OB. I had some problems with the office staff at the other office one this week so I made the decision to switch and feel good about that decision. This doctor was relaxed and not rushed at all. I felt like I could think through any questions and not feel like she was talking over me.

I'll post a pic later. Gotta go for now.

Sorry I haven't posted. On Thursday, June 14th, after 2 1/2 hours of sitting in traffic trying to find a way back to my home that wasn't flooded, I was met by a sheriff when I pulled into our neighborhood who handed me an evacuation notice. I knew we may lose water, so I had been stocking up everyday, 5 gallons here, 5 gallons there, but I didn't expect we would have to actually leave our home. We had lost both water and electricity and they were mostly afraid about the road that leads to our home being washed out (It was completely under water and impassable by the next day). So we packed. And I mean packed. Enough for, well, a disaster. All the extra food we had been stocking up on filled 3 coolers. We moved our boat to higher ground, kayaks, too, and packed the car as full as we could and headed to my mom's house a couple hours away. We crossed the bridge with a little room to spare as the rain came pouring down. I was nervous to say the least and can not tell you how much relief I felt once we were safe and sound in a city far away from the flood.
We returned Sunday night and everything at our house was dry and mostly back to normal. I wish I could say that was true for the rest of the area. It's truly devastating to see so many homes ruined, many not covered with flood insurance as they were out of the 500 year flood plain. Can you imagine? Only being reimbursed $25,000 for EVERYTHING? The city is a mess. Most roads and bridges still closed. Traffic is terrible, people are stressed. It's an awful environment, but I am grateful for only having some inconvenience compared to those who have lost so much.

Other updates include another ultrasound for me tomorrow morning. I'm biting my nails. I wonder if I will ever stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. There has been such sad news from others recently and I feel guilty to not be joining them. It's just not how it's supposed to be.

My symptoms continue, and I am certainly not complaining, but rather reporting in case anyone is interested and so I remember. I've had nausea pretty constantly. Everything seems unappealing, except some things that I just should not be eating, like fries and chips, and bread. Basically anything starchy and salty. It's so strange. Then there is something that I seem to love for one meal and then can not stand the sight of the next. And TMI here, but I have never been so constipated in my life. I didn't know it could be this bad, but I'm trying to handle it, and remind myself it won't lat forever and to even enjoy all the crazy, good and bad, symptoms. I've waited so long for it, and in a strange (sick) way it's comforting when those symptoms are there. I get nervous if I feel a moment of "Hmm, I don't feel so badly." I have days where I'm utterly exhausted. I seriously feel drugged. Today is one of those days so I'm leaving work a little early to try to get get a nap in.

I'll update with news from tomorrow's appt. This is all out of our hands and truly is a waiting game.
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Thanks for checking in on me, Joonie. When I read about your sad news I cried all morning. I've been thinking about you and wondering how you're doing everyday. If there is anything I can do for you or offer, I'm here.

But, I couldn't help it. Our entire city is in dire straits due to flooding. Here at work a call went out saying we would get paid to sandbag and help our community. I couldn't just sit around and not help out.

Our own house is not threatened by the high water, although some around us are. The road to our home is in danger of flooding which means that about 40 households will only be able to get and from our houses by boat. Egads.

So many homes are already past helping and now those people are just trying to save what they can out them. It's so sad to watch. This will be the worst flood here in history. Unimaginable.

I have to write and say how happy I am for a fellow blogger who has had one roller coaster of a ride this week. Up and down with emotion and hope, then disappoint and anguish, to be back riding along with hope, and now, I'm sure disbelief. Her beta started out at 16...and somehow found it's way up to 550!! Things are looking promising and until we hear otherwise, Joonie is PREGNANT!!!
Congratulations! I'm ecstatic! I hope you and I can go through this crazy life changing event together, no more mishaps along the way. I'm just so happy for you!

POOF! There goes the confetti!!!

Dear Dad,

I've been wanting to call you and hear your voice and your response when I tell you that I'm pregnant. You know how long we have been trying. We were in one of the many 2ww when you died. I was so sure that would be our month, but my body had so much sorrow and stress that it ended in yet another failed attempt, but you knew there was a chance. I told you and you let me know with your eyes that you were hopeful and would be happy for us.

In one of the rare moments we were alone that week, I also told you that before my baby came to me, I wanted you to know him/her. I wanted you to have an entire lifetime together before s/he came to us. That then, somehow, he would have a deep knowing and understanding of you and the two of you would have a bond that would be stronger than any you would have had shared on earth together. Maybe you heard me, and maybe that's why it's taken so long. Many times I've thought about the two of you fishing together or playing catch, like we used to do. I hope you went to the mountains together and camped and made fires and burned marshmallows together. I hope you shared all of your life stories and taught him/her determination and perseverance. I hope you went sledding down hills and made snowmen and had snowball fights. I hope you picked raspberries and ate more than you brought home.

Many times I've begged for some help from you. To pull some strings for us. I mean who wouldn't do that for you? Sometimes I was even angry with you. I'm sorry for that.

And now we've seen the heartbeat of our little one and all I want to do is call you. I want to share this joy with you, the biggest and greatest event that will ever happen to me in my lifetime is upon me and I can't share it with you. It's a deep sadness that rivals losing you all over again.

When we went to the ultrasound, Sean wore your favorite tie for me. He came down the stairs and tugged at the tie around his neck and said, "I thought someone would like to be with us today." Big tears rolled down my cheeks. And later that night, at the end of our big day, Sean took the tie off, draped it over the chair and took the dogs outside. I picked up your tie, closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. I felt your immense presence, I was right there against your chest wrapped in your arms. I could smell your cologne. The wind chimes outside began to sing. I knew you were there with me.

I know you already to know, but I need to tell you something really special. You are going to be a grandpa again. This time it's your little girl having the baby. I'll do my best to make sure s/he knows you. I will try to instill all the goodness you offered to me. I miss you desperately and love you so much more.

Love,
Your Little One

It's good news. I'm still in shock, but it's good news. I can't believe it. I really never, ever thought we would get here.

At first I saw the sac, but no heartbeat, and I was trying to brace myself for what news I had been dreading to hear, but then suddenly, there it was on the screen, fluttering away, working hard . So, we saw a heartbeat and a blob, but it was a blob that measured a glorious 8.8mm with a strong heartbeat for this stage of 136. I just sat there, shell shocked. FInally, the nurse was done with all of her exploring and measuring and she told me I could get dressed. I must have been dazed; I didn't move. She said t again, "OK, you can go get dressed now." Still, no movement from me. S said, "Honey?" "Oh, yes, sorry, I'm just still in shock." They all laughed nervously while I finally got up.

Then we met briefly with a nurse and then the resident doc came in instead of our doc and asked a few questions, gave a few recommendations for OBs, and then said, "OK, that's it, you're done here." Again, a bit of shock. No follow-up with all of the nurses I know by name, no meeting with Dr. Funny to celebrate, just a pleasant good-bye, and off we went. Strange. Weird.

S and I then went down to the hospital gift shop, which I had started doing, what, 4 years ago (it's been a long journey) when it was in a different part of the hospital before the remodel. I had this sort of ritual when I would go to the clinic and had to have something painful or scary done. Afterwards, I would go to the gift shop and buy myself something small, maybe some lotion or perfume, a handbag,a deck of fun playing cards, some thank you notes, or a pice of inexpensive jewelry. Then I'd stop at the really good coffee shop and indulge there, too. So, I had to go today, one last time, and look for something special to celebrate. I had jewelry in mind. Lots of local artists sell handmade pieces there, so I was hoping for something simple like that. S found a sweet silver bracelet that had a simple design on it, and on the other side of one of the silver pieces, it said mother. "I don't want to jinx us", I said. He looked at the store keeper and said, "We'll take this one", pointing at it. There clerk was an older woman, most of the women that work there are volunteers. She was dear. She told us that we made such a cute couple. He and I just smiled at each other. S kissed me. I cried.

So I'm taking everyone's advice and I'm going to stop being so afraid. I am going to be in this completely now, which means I know I'm at great risk for devastation, but aren't we all? Everyday, aren't we all?

Well, today never felt like it would get here and I never thought I'd be able to say, tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow is the ultrasound which will reveal to us whether or not this little embryo survived and grew into a fetus that may now have a heartbeat, and little arms and legs complete with fingers and toes. Most importantly, we need to see a CRL measurement that will let us know whether we will continue to be pregnant or not. We need a number of 8 for the CRL and the sac size should measure very close to 27.

I'm nervous and scared and feel like crying all of the time (and most times, I do). I'm in some weird limbo area, where I still see myself as infertile, yet I might be pregnant, so that doesn't quite add up. But for now, for these last 5 weeks, I HAVE been pregnant and I haven't been this happy in years.

All of this feels like part of a dream. I won't lie, I love the idea that we might have made it, but I'm terrified it will all be taken away, which I guess leaves me feeling like it'd be OK if tomorrow never comes.