less traveled

I finally called my step-mother last night to tell her that we're pregnant. She was kind and gracious and genuinely excited for us. She asked lots of questions and shared some of her own personal stories. She sounded like she's doing better. I know she is still struggling and missing Dad. I had hoped she would say something about him, that he would be happy for us, or that they had talked about us trying, something, but she didn't. Frankly, I think it's too hard for her to even let herself think that way.

I asked for her new email and said I would like to stay more connected. She was very open to that and thought that would be an easier way to send tidbits to each other. I know where she moved to now and will stop by the next time I am in town. I can help with getting groceries or something.

Sigh.

I wonder if that ache ever goes away.

We are over halfway through the pregnancy now. 22 weeks and 2 days. It's not a monumental milestone today, no real reason to make note of what my thoughts are or what I am feeling, yet today I feel like I need to write you a letter and tell you how long we have been waiting for you.

Your daddy and I have been crazy in love with each other for a long time now. We met in college when I was 19, some 18 years ago. I remember exactly what he looked liked, and what he was wearing that day-khaki pants, a white button down with the sleeves rolled up, a black and gold striped tie(our college colors), no socks, and a pair of topsiders, or were they penny loafers. Alright, almostt exactly. I didn't know I was in love with him in that moment, although, I probably was. For the longest time I thought a lot of him, but kept thinking if I could find someone like him, I'd be a lucky girl. I never really thought that he would BE my true love. I'm so glad I was mistaken.

We did lots of crazy things together, the first one was moving to NY, without really thinking much about it at all. We've lived in a handful of places across the country, sometimes we moved together, sometimes one of us had a great opportunity that the other supported and we lived apart for awhile. Somehow we always came back again. Then we finally got married on a perfect day in September on Keuka Lake.

Almost immediately we started talking about wanting you. I remember that day vividly, too. We were on a hike. It's one of our favorite places to go. We call it Super Secret, because no one really knows about this gem of a trail. We've only ever seen one other guy out there and we made a pact not to tell anyone else. He felt the same about our hidden spot. We walked along that day not knowing at all how difficult our path to you would be, or how long it would take. We were excited that we felt ready to bring you into our lives. We walked together holding hands, giggling, saying things like,"Really??" "This is it?" "Time to start a family??" "Are you sure??" All the answers were, "Yes!"

We took trips and talked about you. Once on a trip to Door County, we even bought you a hand knit sweater. I picked it up and your daddy was watching me. He came over and said, "Yes, I think we should get it." We had already been trying to find you for awhile then, and I didn't know if having the sweater and not you would be too difficult. But, we did buy it. We bought it and took it home and put it on a child's hangar that used to be mine, and before me, it used to be your grandma's. We hung it on the wall in our bedroom. And we waited for you...and waited...and waited.

We started to look for a our first home. We always took into consideration where you would go to school. Which bedroom in the house would be yours. What your yard would look like. And we kept waiting for you. We couldn't decide on a house.

Your grandpa got sick. He and I talked about you. I told him he couldn't go until he met you. He waited a year to the day and we thought you we were on your way to us, but we were wrong. Grandpa left us and we kept waiting for you.

Then there was a day that not having you did hurt too much and I took the sweater down, folded it up, and placed it in a special place.

We finally bought a house that was too far away from schools and didn't have enough bedrooms. We didn't think you were coming, but luckily, we were wrong again. We finally learned that you are coming and, my sweet little one, we couldn't be happier.

I feel you all of the time in my belly rolling and kicking. It's a magical feeling that I never thought I would feel. There are so many things we want to share with you and learn from you. We can't wait for you to join us at last. We'll try to get everything ready for you, we'll try to guide you the best we can, we will try to be flexible and learn and grow with you, but I can guarantee you that we will love you with no bounds.

Well, we did it. We bought our tickets and will be leaving for Italy in two and 1/2 weeks!!
We have been wanting to take one last big trip together, just the two of us, so we found these GREAT tickets and decided, OK just take the plunge. We will rent a car and travel to Cinque Terre, Florence, and Venice. I've always wanted to visit Cinque Terre!! So, maybe we'll spend a week there and then split the second week between Florence and Venice. We like to go with a loose itinerary and then just see where it takes us. We are both pretty spontaneous and don't like to fuss about the minute travel details that can stress you out.
I always get a little nervous once we make the decision to go away; I HATE to fly, but it's a necessary evil to get to see the world.

Lots to do before we leave!!

The baby is moving so much all of the time. It still feels amazing and doesn't hurt at all or feel uncomfortable yet, so I am really loving being pregnant right now. I used to have such fear about what it would feel like for me to be pregnant given my severe endo. When I was in my pain cycle with endo, I would see pregnant women and it would make me nauseous. I know it seems irrational, but I was convinced it would be unbearable. I was terrified about what I would do if I couldn't take pain meds. I couldn't imagine anymore pain from the pressure they must be feeling, but I've only had some mild discomfort from the endo. I hope this pregnancy does help me out long term in the pain department. They say it can. Could I get that lucky??

OH! and S felt his first real kick on our anniversary, so that was fun for us! Thanks, Babe, for the anniversary present. Awful sweet of ya. ; )

Our house is almost all painted now. It looks great! I love the way I feel when I see our little charming home now, our cozy little spot. I can't wait to share our life with our little one! My fears are getting less and less, and I find myself feeling excited more and more about becoming parents. Don't get me wrong, I still get that roller coaster belly now and again when I think about the magnitude of the major change that we will face, but soon I feel the joy overtake the fear and find myself more confident about how we will work through this together.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!! May this be the first of many hurdles cleared along the way!!

Yesterday was my wedding anniversary. Our 4th. We've been together 16 years, though. I know, I know. We are two very independent people and it was just the only way we could journey to get where we are. It just worked out that way for us, and we couldn't imagine it happening any other way.

We took the day off from work and spent it with each other-just playing, mostly. We had a wonderful day that ended with us having a row together and a lovely dinner full of decadent things. I'm so lucky to have S in my life. We have had amazing adventures so far, just the two of us, and now we are truly embarking on our biggest, scariest, and most important one yet with this child.

I love and adore you so much, S. I thank my lucky stars for this life we share together.

The water is wide,
I can't cross o'er,
and neither do I,
have wings to fly,
but we'll build a boat,
big enough for two,
and both shall row,
my love and I.

This morning as I rowed, there above me flew a seagull. Occasionally another one or two would join us, but for a long stretch it was just he and I, floating, gliding, flying above the earth. As he flew it seemed that in his wings he held the early morning light of our day. His white belly and wings glowing a brillant orange. With each flap, they would fill back up again, full of light, full of the potential of a new day. He would squawk a bit and I would whistle his call back to him. We continued this conversation up the lake.

Normally while I row, I must keep my mind on rowing, my gaze at the stern of my boat so as to not flip the boat over, but I couldn't help but lay back and watch him while I rowed. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. This was a bit precarious, really, as I felt a little disoriented, but that disorientation allowed me to actually feel like I was flying with him. My oars felt like wings with every stroke, my long skinny boat mimicked his long slender body. Together we flew. It was magnificent.

I've always wanted to be a bird, flying high in the sky, riding a warm summer breeze. I would soar like a pelican, gracefully and effortlessly, with strength. My dreams have been filled with this kind of unusual vividness.

Today, this seagull gave me the gift of flight, for a few moments, I felt suspended with him, soaring above the earth in all the splendor of a September sunrise.

Lots of movement being felt now from our little one. I can say I felt my first real kick last night. It scared me to death when it happened. I yelled at S to come over and put his hand on my belly, thinking this was it, finally he would be able to feel the babe, but he couldn't feel it. "Real prankster, that's what he is," he said all grumbly. I know he wants to feel the movement, too. It should be sometime soon for him. The little tike is only 12 ounces, though, so how powerful of a kick could they really send out into the world? It felt pretty strong last night, though.

I feel a lot of movement throughout the day, too. especially today more than any other day. They say normally it happens at night, but my guy or girl, so far is active right along with me.

We had our 20 week ultrasound today and everything looks great. How about that for good, easy news?
Our little one measured in at 20 weeks 2 days on average, in the 49th percentile, and at a guessing weight of 12 ounces. Heartbeat was in the lower range of 120's. The baby was lying from side to side, head up around my ribs.

S/he is so much bigger than when we last spied on her/him. Very reassuring to see all parts in place and measuring okay. No funny placenta previa or anything to note. My blood pressure had been climbing up gradually, but today it was back down to 113/63. Maybe it was all the worry before that had my blood pressure skyrocketing.

It seems crazy that we are over the halfway mark now. My belly is growing slowly and I do find myself wanting to waddle, but try to focus on good posture and walking normally. I really can't imagine getting bigger, but, oh, I know it's coming.

...

On the home front we got a wild hair and decided to paint our house this past labor day weekend. We are about halfway done and it looks so much better. I think I've mentioned that we bought a fixer-upper. Last year we did everything on the inside and were waiting for this spring or fall to paint the outside. So, we finally took the plunge and did it. We love the color and it looks so much more charming and inviting.

Oh, and S turned down the NY job. Figured we stay here another year or two, maybe 3?

That's all I have.