Backside of Forty (archive)

Benny has been on my mind (and in my blog) a lot, lately.  To be fair to Benny, he's not all tantrums and exhaustion.  No, not at all!  Here's a glimpse into what makes Benny so lovable:

Benny makes us laugh.  His laugh is infectious, and he often laughs at himself.  He's almost three, but his antics remind me more of the range of an 18 month to two year-old.  He'll often remind you that he's funny, just in case you miss it.  "I funny, I funny".  The gift is that he does it innocently, not bragging, and proud that he knows the words to express the thought.

Benny is very repetitive.  His vocabulary and language skills are limited for his age, so I think he fills gaps in "conversations" by repeating himself.  He never really says anything just once, and if you're not focusing, he'll often repeat it until you listen.  It's not an annoying, nagging repetitive, but a very sweet, patient repetitive.  His soft, little innocent voice, trying hard to make communication happen, just makes me want to squeeze the stuffing out of him.

Benny moves fast when he moves, but he often gets absorbed in his own zone.  He may be focusing on a particular toy, or putting on someone else's shoes (which he loves to do), and concentrating hard on accomplishing one particular task.  When he is in one of his concentration zones, I love to just sit and watch him (without him realizing he is being watched).  Also, Benny still loves to snuggle and be rocked at bedtime.  Momma mostly spends this time with him, but sometimes I move in on her territory and spend some cuddle time with him.  It's hard to describe, but with time moving so fast around me, Benny's developmental delay is like time occasionally stands still, allowing me to just savor his extended toddlerhood.  I don't remember these moments with my other kids.

Benny is affectionate.  He's a hugger and a kisser.  When I ask for a kiss, he rarely turns me down, and rarely do I not get a face full (all accentuated by a "mmmmm" and spaced by a teasing Benny pause).

Benny can be tender and compassionate.  He loves animals, especially dogs.  "Ahhh, pup-pee" is something we often hear when we take walks, as he reaches out to touch the dog and love on it.  He sometimes senses tension in people, and tries to help the situation.  Recently, Lily was in trouble and I made her stand in the corner.  Benny, trying to be helpful to her, snuggled up beside her in the corner, and softly whispered, "sorry... sorry... sorry".  I'm not sure if he was sorry she was in trouble, or coaching her to "say sorry" and make it better.  Either way, it was adorable.

"Sorry" is one of my all time favorite Benny words.  He learned the word several weeks ago, and has been using it pretty extensively.  He has not fully refined the meaning of the word, and I usually smile when he says it (usually very tenderly).  It can literally mean, "I'm sorry", but it has a few other meanings.  It can mean, "I'm sad", as seen in the recent days of bus riding.  It also means, "I'm hurt" (one of my favorites).  Benny is a little on the clumsy side, so it's not uncommon for him to hurt himself (not bad, just a bump here, a bruise there).  On numerous occasions, I've seen him stub a toe or bang an elbow, followed by (speaking to himself), "Ooooo, I sorry."

No, Benny is not just a stressful handful of a kid.  To know Benny is to love him.  It's also to look forward to his bedtime... but it's to love him!

Ever struggled with the mixed emotions of putting your new student on the school bus for the first time?  I'm a fairly protective Dad, and my work schedule allowed me to be there for 2 of my 3 older kid's first bus rides, so I can relate.  They all did fine, like we knew they would.  It's just hard to let go with that first independent step out into the big scary world.

But typically a kid is what... five or six years-old for that first bus ride?

How about two years and ten months?

"No bus... no bus... no go... no go!" 

That is how Jen and I started this morning... buckling a crying not-yet-three-years-old Benny into a car seat on the county school bus at 7:30 in the morning.  I watched (and listened) from the front of the bus, broken-hearted for my son, as Jen secured him toward the rear of the bus, handed him one of his favorite blankets, snapped a quick photo, and kissed him.  She then turned around and walked down the bus aisle, without looking back.  With eyes leaking, we both quietly walked down the driveway without watching the bus pull away... he was too short to see us out the window, anyway.  We both agreed we were doing what was best for Benny, but that didn't make it easy!

As I mentioned in an earlier post, since last September, Benny has been attending early intervention preschool, two days per week, operated by our County Board of Developmental Disabilities.  Although busing was available to us, he was just way too little for us to put him on that big bus for the 20 mile ride between our home and the school.  So, Jen has been driving him the two days per week.

At first, the five hour school day was traumatic enough for him.  He has never liked being separated from his Momma!  Fortunately, he quickly adjusted and grew to like school.  It became a happy, safe place for him, and one of the phrases he learned to say was, "go school".  He has an excellent teacher, and the structured environment has been very good for him.  More importantly, we feel he has made substantial progress since September.

Because the program is designed for developmental delay, they have school through the summer, so the kids don't lose ground.  He had a three week break in June and he will get a two week break in August, at which point the "new" school year kicks off.  It is expected that he will re-qualify for the upcoming school year, at which point his IEP moves him up to a full five day schedule.

Although it was a hard decision to put such a young one on the bus, Jen and I agreed that he could handle it, and that the time and financial strain of continuing to drive him five days, instead of two, was too much.  We arranged for the busing to begin after the June break, to ease him into it before fall.  He missed the first week back to school, because of illness.  Last Thursday was his first day back, and Jen drove him in the morning and let the bus bring him home.  He did pretty well.  He arrived home with no tears, but he put his head on Jen's shoulder and said, "I sorry, I sorry", which to Benny likely meant, "that made me sad".

This morning was the first time the bus took him AWAY from Momma, rather than back TO her.  It was a little more traumatic, but the driver told her he didn't cry too long.  He knew (even though he cried about leaving) that he was doing something brave and big-boy-like.  When he got home, Jen asked him, "did you ride the bus?"  He smiled, and said, "uh-huh".

Don't ya hate it that doing what is best for your kids isn't always what is easy?  (For them, or us!)

Love ya, Benny Jay!  You're my favorite Benny in the whole world!

With four kids in the house, alliances are formed, broken, and reformed on a daily, if not hourly, basis. 

In general, Dylan and Zachary are close.  They are 23 months apart in age and have shared a bedroom since we moved to this house.

Zachary and Lily (the middle pair) are a little like fire and gasoline.  But, on some occasions, when Dylan thinks he is too old to play the things Zachary enjoys, Zachary and Lily actually play nice together.  They can do it if they want... generally, they would just rather pick at each other.

Benny is usually doing his own thing, and most often clings to Momma.

As a newer Dad, I prided myself on my young children's behavior.  In general, when Dylan and Zachary were toddlers, we could take them just about anywhere, anytime, usually with compliments about how well they behaved themselves.  Add Lily to the picture... similar results.  I admit that when I would see others with unruly children, in my smugness, I would think negatively of them and their parenting skills.  Hey, I got this!

Enter Benjamin.

Benny is a horse of a different color.  Please understand that I am not intending to insult Benjamin.  I'm just being real.  He makes us feel like first-time parents, all over again.  In fact, Benny often makes me feel like the other parents at which I used to sneer.

Benny is considered developmentally delayed.  We're not sure, at this point, just what that means.  Simply, what we do know is that in just about every developmental skill area, Benny lags well behind his age peers.  His language and vocabulary are limited for his age, and his walking (which is usually more like running at full-tilt) is awkward, if not dangerous to his safety.  He also currently has some sensory "issues" whereby he craves certain sensory stimulation (he needs more cuddles, hugs, holding, tickling, wrestling, etc.) and he is over-sensitive to certain noises and other sensory stimuli in ways that would not effect many others.  Benny has some behavioral issues, is prone to tantrums, and in general, sometimes does not appear to listen to a thing we say!  That translates to Benny needing nearly constant supervision during his waking hours... which can be exhausting!

I think some assume possibly he just "works" us because we are tired and worn down by parenting four children, or that we are much more lenient on him, because he is the "baby" of the family... the stereotype of the spoiled youngest child who gets away with anything.  Possible.  But, I don't think so... at least not totally.  I attribute a lot of his behavioral issues to his delay in communication and, I believe, understanding.  It is so hard to know for sure, and, while we need to curb the behavioral issues, I am reluctant to discipline him for something I am unsure he understands.   It is a fine line.  The problem is, we just don't understand Benny... with his delays and limited vocabulary/conversation, we have a hard time knowing what he does and does not understand.

Since this past fall, when he was barely two years-old, Benny has attended preschool, two days per week, operated by our County Board of Developmental Disabilities, and he has attended speech, physical, and occupational therapy sessions one day per week.  We are pursuing some further evaluations, but the current thinking and goal is that he will "catch up" with his peers and be mainstreamed by school-age.  In the meantime, though, life with Benny can have its stressful moments.

What is the moral of this post?  I'm not sure. 

Maybe, it's just that I'm a blogger, and that's what bloggers do.  We write.  (Sometimes we'd rather write, than talk.)  Sometimes we post for fun.  Sometimes we post to vent.  Sometimes we post to raise awareness.  Sometimes we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and post as a form of catharsis.

In this case, I think it is the latter.  I think it's to say what I couldn't tell all the people who stared at us in the restaurant.  Something like, "This is my son, and I love him, but I don't always understand him, and I'm not sure, but I don't think he can help most of what is disturbing you."  Or, if I'm being honest, it might also be to say, "We try to be good responsible parents who raise well behaved children... and we have gone out other times without disturbing the peace... we're just having a bad evening."  Or, how about, "We're a family stressed and under various pressures, and we're occasionally going to risk disturbing you to get out and be together as a whole family, without leaving someone behind just because they may need a little extra effort". 

Maybe the personal takeaway is to be a little less smug the next time I see a struggling parent in a public place.  Hey, I got this!  Hey, I been there!