I did it. I really did it. I graduated the other night with my LPN (licensed practical nurse). I didn't know if I was going to pass until the day of graduation. The morning of graduation, we had our last final, in pharmacology. I definitely deserved to pass though, after spending my Saturday of 12 hours studying, and Tuesday for about 10 hours. I didn't sleep at all the night before the test. I kept building this thing up in my head... that I wasn't going to pass. I imagined myself crying in my teachers office, pleading with them... and having to call everyone about the announcements I sent out and tell them I didn't make it. HOW HORRIBLE IS THAT???!!! Satan is real. I had so much more doubt than I had faith. I literally didn't sleep for 5 minutes the night before. I tried, even with Z-Quil... Nothing helped. So I decided to get out of bed at 6am to study for 2 hours before my last final. I actually felt good about a lot of the questions, but there was still a lot that I felt like I didn't know. I figured out I could miss 45 questions on the test (out of 120) and still pass. I would be going back and forth... thinking, there is no way I could even miss 45 questions... it's not like I didn't study... I had 22 question marks on my scratch paper while taking my test. I went back and checked like 5 of them and then reassured myself that I had the right answers. Then I was getting more anxiety by writing down everything I didn't know, so I stopped writing down, and just told myself to go with my first instinct, because chances are I did see these drugs within the past few days, so maybe just reading it enough times will make me remember something. Anyway. I wasn't going to look at the other 20 questions or so... I was so done. My head felt like mush. I was sweating so bad to the point that my hands were soaking wet, making my test paper soggy. I turned my test in, feeling awful about it. I left, and started shivering even though I wasn't cold, I was breathing fast, and felt like I was going to collapse. I just told myself to take deep breaths. On my way leaving, I saw the head lady of our program, and I burst into tears and shook my head... there is no way I passed. She gave me a hug and said, "Sometimes we feel awful about tests, when really we do really well on them, you might be surprised. This is how you will feel when you take the NCLEX. Jessica. I would honestly be shocked if you didn't make it. You only need a 77%." I was grateful for her. I drove home with tears in my eyes, and walked into the house. Ryan was sitting there, terrified at seeing me in that state. I felt bad, and embarrassed, and stupid for my test, and for the way I was acting, but it was like I couldn't help it. I am so passionate about everything that I do. Ryan took me for a drive up Farmington Canyon. It was nice to just get away from everything and be in the quiet in the mountains. I should have gone up there more when I was stressed about things. It's so quiet, it would have been a nice place to study. Ryan was trying to get my mind of things... it was kind of working. I couldn't stop sweating, waiting to hear my fate. 2 hours later, I went back. My friends were all wondering and asking me if I was okay... They're like... "You look stressed... " You could say that. Anyway I left the group of students to go talk with my friend Alex from class. Alex is so nice. He went into the teachers office and asked them if I could go first. I didn't even ask him to do that. I got to see my evaluations first. Before I saw any paper, the head lady again looked at me and said, "Now, what did I say?" ... Did I pass?!? ...!??? !!!!! "You passed. BUT. Jessica. LISTEN TO ME. You're going to be a great nurse. :) " I burst into happy tears and gave her a hug. I was shaking as I signed the paper... and then I came out, jumped around like a crazy person, and did a somersault. Alex and one other girl saw my reaction and they couldn't stop laughing. Everyone in my class, 38 other people passed. God is real too. I know there were people praying for me. It really is amazing to me, the power of prayer. My prayers were truly answered in the best way and the way that I wanted them to be. Now I can start the RN program with everyone on May 6th at Weber State University. I am so grateful for family, friends, and nursing friends. Everyone always knows how to lift each other up. I am so happy. I can't believe, and yes, I can believe, that I passed, and that I did it. One song that got me through the week was Home, by Phillip Phillips. The line that hit me so hard was, "Settle down, it will all be clear, don't pay no mind to the demons they fill you with fear, the trouble it might get you down, if you get lost you can always be found, just know you're not alone..." This has boosted my confidence and faith in myself. HOpefully I won't put myself through this same nonsense with the RN year. Now I know I can do it. Another thing, at clinicals I would always ask the nurse, "What was your hardest semester?" 99% said 2nd semester, LPN year, or 1st semester of LPN year. This is the first of at least 2 more graduations. I will graduate as a Registered Nurse this December, and then I plan to apply for Spring 2014 for a BSN, Bachelor Degree of Science in Nursing- with a minor in Spanish, somewhere. I am excited about life. I plan to take the state boards exam in about a month. Then, it will be official. Thank you for all your prayers and support. I truly am humbled and grateful. Sorry about this LONG post. haha.
No more wearing this uniform!
For tradition, you must be pinned by a nurse. Dan, my brother in law was in town to pin me.
Some of my friends. Alicia, Tiffany, Megan, Kym, me.
Denae, Kyrsten, me
Ryan surprised me. He was supposed to be out of town with the tennis team, and his coach bought him a special plane ticket a day later just so he could be here for me. So grateful for him and for putting up with me through all my breakdowns, moods, and everything. He was my biggest cheerleader.
Thank you to everyone who supported me this past year.
Pinned!
I had to share this cute card Jane made for me!
Yummy graduation treat from Marci and Dan. Such a treat to have them in town for this! Today they're watching Dan's little brother Nate get married.
