Salmagundi

I figured since you're probably all hearing things through the grapevine, I thought I'd give my two cents since it's about me anyways.
Since I've move to Texas I have come to a lot of realizations. About myself, about our family, about my friends, about everything. Before I moved here, I was sad, and I didn't know why. Sure, there were little conflicts here and there that didn't help, but I couldn't pin point one specific reason for why I felt such extreme sadness. I had a anchoring in my heart that I was supposed to move here. Now again, I wasn't completely sure why I felt such a strong urge to come here, but now I am here, in Texas, and I've figured out why.
Now before I get to that, I need to take a moment.
I think a lot. About everything. It's something I love to do. Probably too much sometimes. Lately I've been thinking about our family.
I need to take a moment and focus on this family. Every single person. Every single person in this family is someone special. Is someone who is talented, beautiful, genuine, and unique.I mean that. Now I can say that from a very un-biassed point of view, because to be honest, I hardly know any of you that well, and hardly any of you know the real Jessica that well. And this is something I am completely okay with, because the point is that in a family, that doesn't matter. We lift every one up. We push everyone towards their hopes and dreams. All we want to is to love them, and be loved by them. Our family is the epitome of that. It doesn't matter where you come from, or where you wanna go. It doesn't matter who you are, or who you aren't. We just love. With all of our hearts.
Being here these past two months there are many things I have discovered about each and every individual in this family I never noticed before. It was such an incredible and eye opening experience.

-Grandma- You are the most beautiful woman in the world. Your passion for your heavenly father is something so extremely intimate, and passionate. You are so full of energy when it comes to your brilliant project ideas, or lessons on various scriptures, or even something as simple as a new leopard printed sheet you bought for 30 cents a thrift shop. Your passion for life is something I thrive off of. You're so happy, and so fulfilled. You're just a beam of sunshine. I love every quirk, every container of that red lipstick, and every single scripture you read to me. I love you, and everything you are.
-Donny- I was always your Pugus. I love your determination to begin and finish any task. I love how much you care for your wife and your children. You love them so much, and that is something that brings warmth to my heart. I didn't have the best dad in the world growing up, and seeing you hug and kiss those adorable children you've created, gives me hope in this world. You're the best daddy, and I envy you kids for it. They are so blessed to have such a wonderful man in their lives. I love you Donny, and I'll always be your Pugus.
-Tamra- you have always been the same Tamra I have loved my whole life. You have the most loving heart out of anyone I have ever met. Every word that comes out of your mouth is full of compassion, and genuine care. You feel for people, and you don't just say things for the sake of saying them. I can see in you that loving is what makes you happiest. It's so comforting to know I have you to go to, and to know that I can laugh, or cry with you, and you'll be right there the whole time. Your spirit is special, and you make me feel so happy when I am around you and your family. Tamra, I just love you, and I can't thank you enough for our talks we've had, and I am confident in saying they aren't going to end here. You're wonderful.
-Kami- Where do I even start? You are one of my biggest role models in my life. I look up to you in countless ways. You have helped me on my journey to feeling secure in myself. It's because of you I am okay with being weird, and awkward. It's because of you I am okay with being Jessica. My whole life I have doubted myself, and my mom would always tell me not to, but I think it was you who I was waiting to hear it from. I think you're my guardian angel, Kami. You're one of my best friends. I am going to miss you so much. You and I. We're kindred spirits. We're the same. In almost every respect. I want to be just like you when I get older. You've always been there for me, and you know the real Jessica. I don't open up to people, or trust people ever, but I trust you. I love you with all of my heart. I just feel we've always had a special bond. I don't think that will ever go away. I've always been your Jessica, and you've always been my fav aunt Kami. I feel like your more of my mom than an Aunt..I've always felt that way.
-Travis- First of all, you are one of the greatest guys I have ever met. I am so thankful to be able to call you my Uncle. You're ability to make light of any situation is something I don't understand how you do. You never talk behind people's backs, you never complain, you always find the good in everyone, and everything. You are going to be one incredible missionary. I believe that with every last ounce of confidence I have. Thank you for always loving me, and giving me a chance. I'm weird. And you're okay with it. Whoever you marry one day, better be dadgum close to perfect because I'm pretty sure you are as close to perfect as they come. :) I love you.
-Ashna- SHNON! Our life stories...man, are they similar. Talking with you is like talking with an older sister. You listen to every word that comes out of my mouth. I can't get over how beautiful you are inside, and out. Your personality is so inviting. You always make me feel welcome, and so at ease. I'm so thankful you understand sarcasm too, because I think I may use it a little too often, and I know you do too. :) You're so talented, and you're such a great mom to Addy, and soon to be Layla. I just wish she would have come a little bit sooner, so I could have seen her big beautiful lips, and eyes in person. I have no doubt in my mind you will be an incredible mother to two little cutes. I love you, Ashna...
-Patrice- A mother to six good, funny, and sweet children. You are so generous, and loving. I can't thank you enough for what you've done for me, and my mom. You and Daniel are what I aspire to have when I get married. You love each other an incredible amount. I can't even fathom it. Since I've seen what true love looks like, I will never settle for something less. And you, a mother to six, and you're still sane? That is something else I aspire to maintain once I have children; my sanity! :) You are a patient, nurturing, and loving mama, and your kids are so lucky to have you. I only hope one day I can be half the mom you are. I love you, and your entire family so much.
I couldn't believe how lucky I was , out of all people, to be placed in the best family in the world. Everyone was so willing to take me in, and love me like their own daughter. I thought, wow, this is different. I wasn't used to that from anyone but my own mama. Then I realized, our whole family treats every single person in this family the same way. We're all so lucky!
Now on to my mom.
-Mama- You are my life. You are my strength, my sanity, my other half. Without you I am so lost. More than any person in this in entire world, you are the one I love most. You are the one I look up to, and you are the one I need in my life. You're my mama. You are the most incredible mother I have ever met. You raised me to be the person I am today. I am strong, I am confident, I know who I am because of you, and your wisdom, and your guidance. You taught me to speak, to walk, to eat, to sing, to accept all, to be Jessica, to give, to be a leader, to love. It's because of you I will be a good mother. It's because of you I will be a faithful and loving wife. It's because of you I am myself. I am Jay.. I am the most thankful woman in the world to have been lucky enough to be created by such a determined, and outstanding mother. I love you mama, with every fiber of my being. It's important to grow up. But no one can argue that you never grow out of your mom. I never will, mama, and I will always be close to you. You're my best friend, my teacher, my mama.
I now know the reason I am here in Texas is to realize where "home" is for me. My whole life I've never known what answer to give when I was asked the question, "Where are you from?" How could I when the longest I'd ever lived somewhere was 2-3 years? Even though I was unsure of what to say, I'd always reply, "I'm from Texas." Because to me, it was where all of my family grew up, my mom, my grandma, my great grandma, etc. So it was the closest thing to a home I'd ever known. Then I moved to Wisconsin. I lived there for eight years, and not once did I think of it as home, because to me, wherever we lived had an expiration date, so I'd never get my hopes up of staying anywhere. It'd always end, and we'd always have to start over. Then when the idea of me staying for college, and possibly forever came around, I went numb. I felt trapped. I felt like that was it. But wasn't that what I wanted? A permanent place to stay? In a way, I guess I was afraid of committing to one place. All along my mama kept saying "Jessica, this is your home. This is where you belong. I'm here, your family is here." and for some reason I just didn't listen. Now here's the hard part. My mom was right. I now know with all of my heart that Wisconsin is my home. Texas is wonderful, and our family is more than wonderful. But Texas without my mom, my brother, my sister? It's nothing. I feel empty, and I hate to admit that, and give my mom the right to say, "I told you so" but, she did tell me. I need my mom. You can never grow out of your mom. I just keep thinking: Every day I'm not there, is one day less in this life that I'll be able to be with my mama. To be with my Jenna. My Justin. They are my home, I am at peace with knowing where I belong now. I'm comforted by the thought that I have a place I truly believe is home. I don't regret in any way coming here, because not only do I appreciate my family and friends back in Wisconsin on a completely new level, but I appreciate our family here, in Texas. I apologize for coming here, thinking it was where I was supposed to be, and then finding out it isn't. I wish I would have listened to my mom when she said "We're your home" but then again, I don't wish that because if I wouldn't have come here, I would have had a constant voice in my head saying "what if." I don't do well "what if" situations. I had to find this out for myself, and unfortunately it had to be the hard way. But I don't regret a second of it.
You can be angry, confused, sad, annoyed, frustrated, and you don't even have to believe me, because what I'm saying right now is from my heart, and I can't continue to lie to my heart. I tried, and it wasn't working. This isn't home sickness. This is something I know. Of course I miss it there. But I'm used to missing things, because my whole life I had to leave things behind that I loved. This time it's different. There are people there I can't survive without. There are people here I love more than anything, but they haven't been there my entire life. I have to go back. I have to go home. I love you all so much, and I cannot thank you enough for welcoming me into YOUR homes, and making it so comfortable for me. I hope you understand. Imagine your child leaving, and then realizing she/he needs you, and you need her/him.
Life is all about making decisions and figuring everything out. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it hard, sometimes it doesn't make sense to anyone but the person holding the decision in their had. This may be that situation, and if it is I'm okay with that. Because ultimately I have to do what is in the cards for me, and what is best for me is to go home. Wisconsin.
I love you all.

I do some of my best thinking late at night. Right now it is 12:20, which for me is actually quite early. But considering I was up until 4am last night, and slept in until 1pm today, I think it's safe to say tonight will be another long night. But I can't complain. I love my nights. It's my favorite time. It's my alone time, and without this midnight hour I would probably go insane. I need my time to think within solely my own thoughts. I think everyone does. If you are constantly surrounded my influence how will you ever know what it is you want.
One of my favorite sounds is silence. The stillness and serenity of it. Hearing my own heartbeat, and my own thought process...it makes me feel much more in tune with everything. Right now I'm by myself, and all I hear is the taps my fingers are making on my keyboard. It's so peaceful. I could sit in this moment for a lifetime. But, as we all must face, in a few short hours I will have to snap out of this hermit's paradise, and go out into the world. But for now, I will sit here, close my eyes, and dream. Good Night.

Today I was thinking about this universe we live in. If you sit down and think about it, it really messes you up. Its huge. and never ending? I can't even wrap my mind around it, but isn't the point? No one can wrap their mind around this crazy place we live in. Or on? or by? or with? The universe is something we think we know a lot about, when really, we don't have the slightest.
I like to believe there is one God. He is all powerful, and every religion whether they believe it or not worships the same god. This is my belief. He loves every person on this planet. I can't wait to see who God really is, because who he, or she, or it is, is something beyond our human brain capacity. The world we live on is beyond our understanding. We can try and create answers, and we can have faith in those possible outcomes, but it's impossible to ever know for sure. We can base our faith on feelings we receive, or over powering emotions, some people can base their faith on the bible, or koran, or any book worshiping their God. We can base our faith on Meditation, or on prayer. We can base it on what we're told in church, or what someone might read on the internet. But me? Well, I look at this incredible world around me, and think about space, and the universe, and how incredibly magical and overwhelming it all is. I don't feel it's necessary to search for in answer on who God is. Why should I, when I know her exists. I only say "he" because I don't know what else I would call God. "it" is too generic for me. All I can say is that, I am on this planet. Living, breathing, on this moving orb in the middle of a universe that is never ending. Think about that for a second. How in the world is it possible that we know anything about the after life let alone the life we're living right now? We don't.
All I can do is be so thankful for where I am, and what I have, and the family I am in, and the trees, and the sky, and ocean. All of it is beautiful, and all of it is a mystery to me. That's the best part about it. I do believe there is something after we die. You can call "heaven" or whatever you please, but whatever is, it will be a whole other adventure! I believe in a God, but I don't know what he is, or who he is, if if he is even a he or she. I am at peace with this. I am at peace with knowing there is a God, but knowing what he is, or how he is. God loves me, and I love God.

If there is such a thing as "soul mate best friends," well, I do believe I have found them. This week has been one of the best, and one of the worst weeks of my life. One of the hardest, and one of the easiest. One of the happiest, and one of saddest. I guess you could say I'm the queen of mixed emotions lately. You know, you never realize how much something truly means to you until you no longer have it. You realize what you have is special, and your thankful, but it doesn't truly hit the heart until you have to let it go. I'm having a very hard time letting go of my life here. Actually, not even my life here as much as the people who keep me alive here. My two best friends Elise, and Casey are two people that have lifted me up, held me up, and supported me every second I've known them. They are two people I don't know how I ever lived without. Two people I don't know how I'm going to live without. They are more than just the label everyone uses so lightly, "best friends." They are so much more. If I was to label them using any word I guess the most accurate would have to be guardian angels. Now, that may sound cheesy, or weird, but the bond I have with each of them is something so special I can't describe it any other way. What we have is so strong, and so hard to explain. What we have goes way beyond our earthly comprehension.
Casey, nobody else in this world has ever understood me fully. I never thought there would be such a person, but then I found you. There are things about myself I didn't even understand, and you have helped me accept, appreciate, and embrace all of those personal attributes. If it wasn't for you, I'd be lost still, trying to hide my insecurities, and continue on not letting people in. The thing with you is that I didn't even have to let you in. You just get me. I barely have to talk, and you know exactly what I'm feeling. That's not something you find everyday. You and I are something no one will ever understand. It's like we share one mind sometimes. You mean more to me then you'll ever be able to comprehend. I would do anything for you. We're the same, Casey. I get you too. You've always accepted me for all that I've done, and you accept me for all that I am. All my weird quirks, and let's face it, there are QUITE a few. All my problems, all my insecurities, everything. you love me for me. And I love you for you. I love everything about you. You know you really love someone when there isn't one thing good or bad that you'd change, or that you don't accept about them. I wouldn't change a single thing about you, Casey. You're my best friend, and you always will be. I don't ever see you not being in my life. It's be like loosing apart of myself. Casey, it's because of you I'm accepting myself for who I really am. I love you, and I thank you for all of the things you have done in my life.
Elise, first of all, I've never ever really gotten a long with girls. I've always been kind of bugged by them, because they're annoying and too girly. But then I met you. Basically another version myself. I never thought I'd meet another person who I could freak out about the smallest things with, like a new kitchen device, or a new coffee mug. Who does that? Nobody. Elise, you've been there for me every single time I've needed someone. I can talk for hours, and you'll still be there, listening, taking in every word I am saying. We have conversations so in depth, and so over people's heads on a daily basis, that nobody could ever get. Elise, you care so much about people, and you're so genuine in your thoughts, and in your heart. I am so thankful to have you as a best friend. It's not everyday you find someone that's almost identical to in almost every way. People won't ever get how close we are, because it's something that not many people have. You don't give yourself enough credit, Lisey. You're the most wonderful friend in the world. I never thought I would be able to fine another girl like me. It makes me realize how special we are. We deserve the best of the best, and I never realized this until I met you. We're not average girls you see walking around. We're so much more. We're complicated, we're funny, we're weird, and we're best friends. know I'll never find another person like you, Lisey. We'll always be Jessica and Elise. Forever. That's a promise I can make very confidently. I need you in my life. I love you, Elise.
Saying goodbye to you guys is the hardest thing I have been faced with in my life. I never thought I would be so sad to go, but in all honesty I am. But the thing is, I know I need to go, and I know you guys know that too. I need to be with my family, because they make me so happy. I had to make a choice, and I know I've made the right one. But by no means is this the end for us. You guys are my world, and have been for a long time. It's just time for me to expand and grow beyond our trifecta that is Jessica, Casey, and Elise. As much as I'd love for us to continue leaning on each other, depending on each other, and growing together, I know that eventually, as sad as it is, we will have to all go our separate ways. I'm just choosing to do so much earlier, which is why it's so much more difficult. We're only getting older, but it's exciting! I can't wait for annual trips to Michigan every year as we grow older and older. I can't wait to see where you both end up. I know with all my heart you will be successful teachers. You're both so passionate, and you're without a doubt two of the greatest people to walk this earth. Believe that, and know how thankful I am to be given the chance to be your best friend. Thanks for giving me a chance, and thanks for loving me. We're all beginning our lives...I love you guys unconditionally, and I always always always will. I know that even though I'm far away, we will continue to grow as people together, even if we're far apart. Don't forget about me..I don't know what I'd do. My heart will always have a special place for each of you that no one will ever be able to fill. The void of Casey and Elise can only be cured by Casey and Elise. I'll miss you.
Love forever,
J

So, as you all probably already know, considering news travels like wild fire in our family, I, Jessica Scholl, am moving. to. TEXAS. LAKJFHDAKLSHBFKAJHBDFLKDSABFKHLASDBGKLHBDSFLHKBDSAKHFBASDKLHBFASLKHDBFALJKHSBFHASBFKHABSFJBADSF"BDF:
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Okay, now that I have recovered from that momentary lapse of excitement I am ready to explain in more depth what changed my mind. Well, not really a change of mind as much as a chose to follow my heart, instead of my mind. Lets see. Where to begin. Well, I guess to state it in a "short and sweet" manner, going to Texas this summer was the most eye opening experience I have encountered thus far in my life. The thing is, I didn't even realize how much of an eye opener it was until I got home. The reason I say this, is because not only did it make me realize that our family is the most incredible, and special family ever, I also realized that I am not happy in Wisconsin. I am merely content. The thing is that I didn't realize this prior to coming to Texas this summer because I thought I was happy. I thought I was fulfilled in my everyday life here.But then when I was in Texas never had I felt so cared for, so encouraged, and all the while I knew every person was genuine, and truly was interested in my life, and what was best for me. Here in Wisconsin, yes, I have friends who love me and really care for me a lot, but it just doesn't suffice when compared to our family. Not even close. I am completely at ease when with every one of you. I am completely myself. Completely...blissful. It's so hard for me to put into words the way I feel when I'm with our family. I know you all know this, and you figured it out long before I did. I guess moving around as much as I have, and having to be as independent as I have been my whole life, I never knew what being loved by so many people felt like at one time. I've always really only had my mom, brother and sister. That's it. And they are the best family anyone could ask for. I hope my mom chooses to come to Texas one day soon. That would make everything perfect! (Laurie, you guys better come too!!! :)) We'd all be together again.
When I made the decision to stay in Wisconsin at the beginning of the summer, I did it for a few reasons. One, I knew I had an opportunity here to pursue my career in opera, I felt comfortable here, and my mama is here. My mom being here was definitely my number one reason. I knew she was hesitant about me moving because she wants me to be successful, nd I was worried about leaving her, so I thought I had made the right decision. Since I made that decision in JUNE it has been slowly eating at me, eating at my brain, eating at anything and everything that can distract me long enough to make me second guess my decision. My mom came to me the other night, and we cried, and talked about life, texas, everything. I love my mom more than any other person in this world. I couldn't have asked for a more outstanding mother. That night she told me herself, tears in her eyes, that she wants me to be happy, and she truly feels that I am meant to be in Texas. Once I heard her utter those words, those words I had been waiting to here for the longest time, I felt as if a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and I just collapsed. I needed to have her approval, because she is the most important person to me in this world. I guess basically once I heard her say she also believed in me, and that she wants me to go to Texas as well, then I really couldn't make myself stay in Wisconsin any longer. I know where I belong, and I know I need to go now. I don't really know why completely, and I will never know what would have happened if I stayed here, but honestly, I don't care because I know that being with family is exactly what I need. It's where I'm meant to be. If I stayed in Eau Claire this year, the "what if" would always be in the beack of my mind. What if I would have moved to Texas? What if it was what I was supposed to do? What if this is wrong being here? I don't have to worry about those what ifs anymore because of all of you. I love you all so much, and I can't wait to be hours away from you all, instead of days. I can't wait to begin my life in good ol' Texas! akjdfnasjkfaksdjfkhjdfkhbashdfashj CAN'T WAIT TO SEE ALL OF YOU!
Love,
Jessica

Jenna and I were entertained by photobooth tonight for at least a good hour and a half! We took so many pictures, and videos. It was so much fun. hahaha. Here is one of many videos we recorded. Enjoy our oddities.

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