my free moment

I headed to the bus stop this afternoon to pick up the boys.
Everyone in L-burg can picture the scene..... it was raining, cold, and bits of ice were plumeting out of the trees and off of the power lines. It was just a nasty afternoon.
I was armed with my coat, gloves and an umbrella.
I arrived at the corner and expected to see the bus coming over the hill. I waited several minutes... and nothing.
I waited a bit longer until I realized that it wasn't really raining anymore. (It was just very noisy from the stuff falling out of the trees).
I wasn't under the trees so I thought I would pass the time by spinning my umbrella. I found out that I'm a pretty good spinner! :-)
I waved as my neighbor passed by in her truck. Several other neighbors came and went.
I waited. and I waited.

I'm never sure at what point I need to start worrying about the bus.
I always wonder that if something were wrong... would the school system call my house to inform me? And how would I get that message if I'm standing on the corner?
I then proceed to wonder if they would send someone around in a car to inform parents of bad news?
I also wonder if I should go home and call about the tardy bus... But then I figure that as soon as I went home, the bus would come. All of these thoughts keep playing in my mind.
Then I am somewhat peaceful as I watch the poor guy up the street standing in his driveway, waiting for his granddaughter. I tell myself that surely if something were wrong, he is close enough to his house to get the phone call. So if he waits, then I wait.

So... I'm waiting. My neighbor who left earlier... returns. She stops and chats. She had made an entire trip to the grocery store as I stood out in the cold!!!! She informs me of the time, at which I recall that I've been standing on the corner for 45 minutes!! yikes. Who knew that spinning umbrellas could pass time that well?
I had noticed that my toes were numb. 45 minutes would explain that.

Surely the bus would be here soon. Ms. Yolanda is a great driver. I have nothing to worry about.
I wait several more minutes. And finally... I see the familiar bus lights emerge over the hilltop.
My babies have made it home! :-)
I give Ms. Yolanda the question face as she opens the door. She explains that a child had thrown up on the bus and that they were delayed at school while they cleaned up the mess. Not only had the child thrown up... but he had thrown up on L's backpack!!!
(yuck!)
L gets off of the bus carrying a huge black trash bag. With obvious contents. I couldn't wait to fish out his homework papers.

It turns out that when the "new boy" hurled on the bus, it grossed out our neighbor kid, and he in-turn threw up too! I can imagine how disgusting...
D said that the kids got to exit out of the rear emegency exit.
no doubt.

We made it home and all of my toes were still attached. I proceeded to snap on a pair of trusty latex gloves and retrieve the homework folder from the backpack... before I tossed the black bag and the rest of the contents in the outside trash can.
My Walmart list has "backpack" written on it now.

Hmmm...some days I deserve caffeine. And I think Ms. Yolanda does too!

Sometimes... well... alot of the times.... these kids drive me nuts.
I know that it's just a joy that comes along with parenting.

After another crazy night at Kids Haven... involving wild, rude kids and a spanking... I was just lost for action. Sometimes I just don't know what to do next.

I ended up having a brief conversation with the boys explaining that I felt like I was being punished by them because their Daddy is gone. I know full well that they would not behave this way if Thayer was here. I explained that I needed them to respect me as the parent and that I needed love and obedience from them.

(yeah, I know that I need to earn respect... blah, blah, blah...)

They have often heard me say, "I'm just one parent here"... but they don't seem to get it yet.
I know that I need to do a better job at establishing my role here. It seems to come and go like the tide. One day we're fine, the next day they walk all over me.

I continue to pray for the wisdom and patience to keep this household in line. Everyday is a learning experience.
I know that I'm doing the best that I can. but it's just so frustrating.

I had a rare lunch at home by myself the other day.
I was sitting at the table and gazing out into the woods behind our house. Everything out there is brownish gray and dull this time of year, except for a random evergreen that seems to pop with color amongst the dormant trees.
Everything was still and quiet until I saw a brief movement near a tree. It was a deer. When the movement stopped I quickly lost sight of it. I was amazed at how well camouflaged this girl was. As I was trying to focus my sights on the hidden deer... I happened to spot a second one! Another sneaky gal.
I watched the pair for a while as they nibbled on things and slowly made their way deeper into the trees, until they were out of my vision.
I kept thinking that if I had not slowed down and watched then I would have missed my opportunity to catch the deer in their normal routine. I am guessing that these deer are out there every day... but we're always too busy to notice.

I smiled as I thought about the fact that God placed those deer there. All of the tiny details of this world are in place... even when we are too busy to notice. Certainly if God is providing for those deer, he is providing for us as well.
God also told me that those deer represent all of the little things in life that we are to busy to see.
I am challenging myself to be still and watch for God in the little things...

When you visit Starbucks and suddenly realize that all of the seats are taken....take your beverage, drive to Big Lots and recline on their sofas!!
The employees don't seem to mind that you have turned their store into a coffee house. ;)

okay. So I came up with a brilliant plan to start going to bed after I get the kids in bed.
Day one... great!!! My brain had overworked that day and I went to bed at 7:30pm and slept until 6:30am. that was amazing!!!
Day two... good. I got in bed by 9 and then read until about 10:15. Probably asleep by 10:30pm with a waking time of 6:30am. not bad.

The problem with this plan is that the laundry actually needs to be done in the daylight hours... and I have also skipped packing lunches for two nights. The $2.80 for school lunches was well worth it, but I can't expect my kids to eat that junk every day.

Tonight my parents came to have dinner with us. While they were occupying the kids, I finished up the laundry and packed lunches so I could get in bed around 8pm. I was on a roll.
Then it hit me!!! Tonight is Thursday!!!! No way am I going to miss The Office again this week.... so my perfect bedtime plan has been thwarted.
It looks like I'll be aiming for early bedtimes on most other days. Thursday will be my day to splurge :-)

I'm off to Scranton...

As the boys and I headed to Lowes today, I couldn't help but laugh as I remembered teasing Thayer about his many trips to the "man store".

I just realized the date as I posted my previous entry.
It has been 5 months since Thayer died.

Here are a few random thoughts:
Five months doesn't seem long. But it's almost half a year!!
It feels like forever since we've seen Thayer. I'm saddened about the fact that he is just becoming a memory. But I've accepted that we need to cling to our memories and enjoy old photos. I still picture him here with us and I have "griefbursts" ( a new term I got from a book. it simply means "a powerful surge of grief").
Things just sneak up and bite me in the butt and I can fall apart in a second. And then in the next minute I am okay.

For instance:
Yesterday, I was watching footage of the USAirways flight that landed in the Hudson River.
My first thought was I wonder what Thayer will have to say about this?
Whenever there was airplane stuff in the news, Thayer would comment on the report. He would often point out the stupid statements that the media would say about the mechanical aspects of things. Yesterday, I realized that I wouldn't get to hear his opinion or knowledge on the subject. So I had a "griefburst".
Something as simple as an airplane can stop me in my tracks.

Overall, the kids and I are adjusting well. We have lots of rough moments as I continue to adjust to being a single parent. But i think we are doing okay with it. I have received lots of babysitting help from family and friends and I am thankful when I can get "away" for a while.

Who needs HGTV when you've got JWG?
Jamie came over last night to hang out and do a little painting in my living room. We sat and relaxed with my favorite beverage and then did a little work.
Then we chilled again with my favorite beverage (haha... Elaine... you know what I'm talking about! ).
Then Jamie proceeded to rearrange my living room furniture. It's totally cool and cozy now. The couches are no longer held at gunpoint against the walls.
It's nice to have an outsider come in with fresh ideas.
I was out of freshness so Jamie took over. I am thankful :-)

I am on a roll with this painting mood. Even though I'm taking it a little slow, I am thrilled to be adding a little color to the enviroment. These small changes are going to make big steps in re-creating my "own" space. It's nice to make some changes around here.

We are out of school and work today because it is cold. Go figure. I'm planning to enjoy a nice lonnng 5 day weekend!!! YAY!

I have been using the same calculator for over 9 years. It's an old, scratched Texas Insturments TI-60 that I adopted when Thayer and I got married. I have no idea how long he had owned the calculator before we married... but I'm pretty sure that it's OLD.
I cannot remember replacing the batteries- ever.
Just last month, I was thinking about how long the calculator has lasted. Those batteries outlasted Thayer. I was wondering how long the calculator would keep ticking.
Well... today.... the calculator batteries died.
another thing to add to my grocery list. And I won't feel comfortable balancing my checkbook until I get my TI buddy up and running again.

This week, I have learned that we, too, need to get new batteries once in a while. Well, I guess we just need to re-charge what we've got.
For those of you that were worried about my sanity over the last few days. Have no fear.
I had a Dr. Pepper at lunch today and I have pulled myself out of my pit.
I have cleaned both bathrooms, vacuumed, taken all of the junk back to the basement, swept the kitchen floor, and sorted through the papers on my counter.
My environment is happier.
And I'm back in business.

I think I'm gearing up to buy more paint and start on my other walls later this week. :-)

so.... I've been unable to focus on anything for the past few days.

It seems that after my successful day with the caulking and painting, everything has come to a halt.
The paint cans and supplies are still piled in my kitchen floor, waiting for a trip to the basement. Papers and mail are stacked on the counters. Clean clothes are folded-but stacked on top of my dresser. Books are bookmarked and waiting to be read. I have several emails that I am supposed to be writing. And the bathrooms haven't been cleaned in weeks.
When I've been at home the past few days, I have just wandered. Unable to do what needs to be done.

My friend/ financial advisor has encouraged me to brainstorm a list of "life goals". And tonight, I couldn't even brainstorm a grocery list... much less a list of what I'd like to accomplish this week, next month, or a year from now.

Geez. I'm starting to feel crippled and I'm wondering if this is a new stage in my grief work. Perhaps depression is kicking in? Or perhaps it's just a "slow" week for my brain. I dunno.
I'll keep you posted-

I enjoyed this today. Just thought I would share...

Laws of the Lighthouse by Max Lucado
The first of the year is known for three things: black-eyed peas, bowl games, and lists. Some don't eat black-eyed peas. Others hate football. But everybody likes lists.

The Bible certainly has its share of lists. Moses brought one down from the mountain.

There are lists of the gifts of the Spirit. Lists of good fruit and bad. Lists of salutations and greetings. Even the disciples' boat got into the action as it listed in the stormy Sea of Galilee. (If you smiled at that, then I've got a list of puns you'd enjoy.)

But the greatest day of lists is still New Year's Day. And the number one list is the list I call the Laws of the Lighthouse.

The Laws of the Lighthouse contain more than good ideas, personal preferences, and honest opinions. They are God-given, time-tested truths that define the way you should navigate your life. Observe them and enjoy secure passage. Ignore them and crash against the ragged rocks of reality.

Smart move. The wise captain shifts the direction of his craft according to the signal of the lighthouse. A wise person does the same.
Herewith, then, are the lights I look for and the signals I heed:

-- Love God more than you fear hell.
-- Once a week, let a child take you on a walk.
-- Make major decisions in a cemetery.
-- When no one is watching, live as if someone is.
-- Succeed at home first.
-- Don't spend tomorrow's money today.
-- Pray twice as much as you fret.
-- Listen twice as much as you speak.
-- Only harbor a grudge when God does.
-- Never outgrow your love of sunsets.
-- Treat people like angels; you will meet some and help make some.
-- 'Tis wiser to err on the side of generosity than on the side of scrutiny.
-- God has forgiven you; you'd be wise to do the same.
-- When you can't trace God's hand, trust his heart.
-- Toot your own horn and the notes will be flat.
-- Don't feel guilty for God's goodness.
-- The book of life is lived in chapters, so know your page number.
-- Never let the important be the victim of the trivial.
-- Live your liturgy.

To sum it all up:Approach life like a voyage on a schooner. Enjoy the view. Explore the vessel. Make friends with the captain. Fish a little. And then get off when you get home.

From In the Eye of the Storm© (Thomas Nelson Publishers, 2006) Max Lucado

I just got back from the Winter Jam concert.
Great show.

I was glad to hear snippets from my favorites, Brandon and Francesca.
We also heard from Hawk Nelson, who is new to me... but apparently the "young folks" are big fans.
I think that I will download some Hawk Nelson tunes for D's new Ipod. (yep, he bought an Ipod with Christmas money... and I now have a new toy to take to the gym.) ;)

The highlight tonight was Toby Mac and the Diverse City band. They put on a great show.
All night I kept wondering how old Toby Mac is... I used to listen to DC talk when I was just a young gal!
According to my Google search, Toby is 44 years old.
I am super impressed with his performance. He was rockin'. That man has some crazy energy about him! Some old school stuff... but way cooler.

Speaking of old school...
I think I've seen enough skinny jeans and skinny ties to last a lifetime. (my sis was reminded of Duran Duran tonight.)
I'm pretty sure that every guy performer and just about every young guy in the arena was wearing skinny jeans.
Enough is enough!! I know that it was cool back in the 80s.... but why would anyone want to repeat such a hideous fad?!
Maybe, those skinny girls can get away with it.
But come on!! If you are a guy with chicken legs... we don't need to know about it!!! In case you haven't noticed... skinny jeans make guys look feminine!!
I guess I will patiently have to wait for men to look like men again. maybe next year.

All in all a great road trip and a great show.
I'm planning on taking my boys next year. They would have enjoyed it.

And just to add a depressing note to a rather cheery post:
After I took my sister home... I thought for a brief moment "I wonder if Thayer waited up for me." I was ready to tell him about the concert....

So.... I've finally had a really vivid dream about Thayer. (that I can remember)

I had one dream shortly after he died.... where he showed up briefly at church, wearing his riding outfit, just to talk to me.... but then he disappeared when I wanted to show him off to friends.

But last night's dream was great. Completely random stuff... but that's what dreams are made of :-)
picture it:
Thayer's best friend, Norbert and his wife Betsy were here and we all visited a church together.
After leaving the church we came back to our house. My sis and her husband (S and C) pulled in the driveway behind us and wanted us to go out to eat.
S was dogging C about feeding their kids Starburst candy.
(I remember hugging Thayer alot during this dream.)
When we were getting ready to get back in the van, I hugged Thayer but he was REALLY tall. He was standing on his tip-toes just to mess with me. I looked up and he was smiling at me.
He then proceeded to say that he wanted to take his kids out to eat. We joked back and forth about "whose kids?!"
I smiled and said "whose been taking care of these kids while you've been gone?" He instantly agreed with me and said "I'd like to take your kids out" :-)
We were loading up the van and my alarm went off.
It was a lovely dream... but waking up to my reality was like getting punched in the gut.
oh yeah... just a dream.
But I can still feel the hugs.

That's right folks!!

I have completed two house projects today!!

First project:
I caulked the bathtub!!! I am VERY proud of myself!
I only had to make one call to my contractor friend to find out how to "pierce the seal" on the tube.
(I know... you can laugh now.)
(and thanks Mike!... my other caulk gun had the needle thingy on it) :-)
Check out my handywork!!! I did a beautiful job in under 20 minutes :-)
And I will credit my fame to painters tape and my Pampered Chef scraper!!
(thanks sis for the PC idea!!.... very smart!!)

I just saw the Benjamin Button movie. It was fantastic!!
Sort of a Forest Gump type of film. Long.... but fascinating!! :-)

I instantly knew that it was a blog worthy movie... but then I decided that I can't really say much because I don't want to tell the details of the story.

I caught alot of deep stuff in the storyline. Things may not have been intentionally deep but they were things that I could relate to, or things that reminded me of Thayer, or things that vaguely paralleled my own thoughts and life.
I just really liked it....

The film was a great reminder of how we need to LIVE life not only through the good times but also through the storms.
The process of Benjamin's backwards aging put a neat spin on how we should perceive life.

go see it!

I was getting ready to post a blog with all of my prayers for the new year. But I just heard this song on the radio. And I think the lyrics could pretty much be my theme for the new year...

If you want to hear it... Dependence by Jamie Slocum but don't watch it. (it's corny)