my free moment

I received my FIRST driving award* today!
I was awarded shortly after crossing the border into North Carolina.**
The trooper notified me that the speed limit had lowered upon entering his lovely state.
OOPS.

I've known that this day was coming sooner or later. And I knew it would be well deserved when the time came.

Sure... $160 fine. But technially... that's only $10 for each of the past 16 years that I've gone unnoticed.

so...

"Yes officer... Thank you".


*Thayer gave us the term "driving award"
** The kids thought we were in a "police chase" when I was being pulled over! haha

Well. I've never had a "boyfriend" before (besides Thayer)... so I've never had the experience of being dumped... until tonight.
I've seen it coming all month so I'm not too shocked by the ending.

Did any of you see that movie He's Just Not That Into You?
I remember watching that movie and thinking about how stupid people can be. Why would you give much thought to someone that doesn't even call you?
One of the lessons in the movie was "if he's not calling you... he's just not that into you".
I knew this fact all along... but somehow when you love someone, you hold onto the hope that maybe, just maybe, there is more to the story and that he'll actually call and everyone will live happily ever after.
But... the movie lesson IS true whether we want to admit it or not.
He didn't call... and he's not that into me.

After several days of no communication, I finally got to speak with Jared in person. The conversation lasted about an hour and reminded me in many ways of "movie break-ups".
I won't go into details... but it seemed as though he was saying "It's not you, it's me".
Ha.
Sure.

This is what I think he meant:-)

I do respect that he has his own life to deal with and that the thought of me and two children is just way too much for his plate right now.
The thought of me and two kids should be about enough to frighten any bachelor.
And that's fair. I can't expect any single man to drop everything for an instant family unless he is sure of himself. And I am very relieved to know about Jared's doubts before the relationship went any farther.
I am relieved that I know where he stands and that I don't have to sit by the phone waiting for a call.

I'll admit that there is hurt involved as well. And that it really sucks being rejected.
But honestly, after all I have been through...I'll just chalk this up to a learning experience and keep on truckin'.
I know the best that God has planned for me is still to come. Bring it on.

Tonight, L decided that we should pray about things we are thankful for.
He pretty much summed it up on one sentence:

"I am thankful for everyone and everything in the whole world except lava, death and sharks."

Amen.
:-)

Our Thanksgiving service at church allows people to stand up and talk about what they are thankful for. The longer I waited into the service, I felt like my "thankful story" was pretty much a repeat of others... so I didn't speak. And, the fact that I am certainly not a public speaker probably hindered me as well :-)
So... IF i had spoken today... this is what I would have said:

It's been 15 months since my husband, Thayer, died. I have experienced the lowest of lows and oddly enough the highest of highs as well. I am So thankful for the tremendous love and support that folks have given us... and continue to give. I am super thankful for my family and friends. Those who have stood by us through it all. And I am most thankful for God's Grace... and the HOPE that He has given me. God has taught me lots of things this past year and I am thankful for the things he will continue to teach me in the years to come.

(wow. that kind of sounds like some kind of boxed speech... but it's what I was thinking...)

so... what would YOU have said at church today?? send me a comment :-)

I think that there should be a new holiday. Thankistmas.
It is a new combination of Thanksgiving and Christmas. It appears that the two have been morphed this year.
It all started with the Christmas music on the radio all last week. Come on! It's not even Thanksgiving yet!
Then, my friend went ahead and decorated her Christmas tree last week. It's right in her living room amidst the pilgrims.
At first, I teased and grumbled.
And today.... I joined the mob and put up our tree. Actually, the boys asked to do it and I caved in.
Just to "stick it to the man" I decided to keep Christmas confined to our basement this year. I thought if I stuck the tree down there... that I wouldn't have to look at it and I could continue with my bah-humbug attitude. But as it turns out...I actually like it down there! It's set up next to the fireplace and everything looks cozy when the lights are off and the tree is a-glow and the fire is flickering. Aahhhh.... kind of like Christmas.
I assume that my compromise for Thankistmas will be: Christmas in the basement and Thanksgiving upstairs. For now.
After Thanksgiving, anything goes. :-)

okay. So I've decided to actually start parenting again... after a 15 month free-for-all.
I've watched all three of us barrel downhill since Thayer's death and I need to put a stop to it.
I had a good little meltdown the other night.
Jared talked me down and encouraged me (more than he knows).

So... this week...I have decided to "ground" all three of us.
Well... the kids are having lots of quiet time in their rooms and I'm confined to the house to keep watch... and work on being consistent and firm and pleasant. :)
They are supposed to be thinking about using their manners and being polite to kids and adults.
I've even designed a few "worksheets" to help them focus on how they need to behave at home and in public.
I'm not sure anything is actually being accomplished... but I am sure enjoying the quiet!! Things tend to be way more peaceful when the two of them are apart.

Today is our second day at home and I am exhausted!! Two more days of this "boot camp" and I'll be enjoying a night on the town with the ladies and some vampires. That's all the motivation I need. :-)

I've decided to update my facebook status, each day in the month of November, to reflect on something I am thankful for.
This morning the only thing I could think of was "the big cats at the zoo".
Go figure.

But this afternoon, I must say that I am truly thankful for Riley at Lynchburg Nissan :-)
Thanks again,Riley!!

It took a sunset to remind me.

Rewind...
The past two weeks, I have been "going" non-stop. Lots of entertainment, lots of driving around, lots of visiting. ALL good stuff... but probably way too much of it at once.

This weekend was to be my time of relaxation. I took the boys to Comfort Zone Camp and headed to Williamsburg with some gals. It was a great weekend of car alarms and shopping. I am so thankful for the time away! Thanks Regina!!

But unfortunately, I let my brain work on overload this weekend.
When I was dropping the kids off at CZC I was SO excited for them but I had "a moment" where I thought to myself... "this isn't the kind of camp kids should need to go to." Whoever thought we'd be excited about a camp for grieving kids. ugh.

While in Williamsburg, my mind tended to dwell on the insecurities that I have as a single mom... and other insecurities that I have with my current relationships.

Luckily, I got a grip on myself and headed back to pick up the boys from camp. My grip slipped as I sat through a service where 60+ children were encouraged to speak about their deceased loved ones. Wow. I found myself back at the bottom in disbelief and heartbreak for those kids. I cried as the campers shared simple memories and dedicated songs.

My boys were SO exhausted from the weekend that they slept the entire way home. My british speaking GPS girl insisted on taking me home through the back roads... and I didn't argue with her... since it was such a beautiful day.

That two hour trip was the most relaxing time of the past two weeks. The most beautiful countryside was illiminated by the most gorgeous sunset throughout my entire drive. (A perfect day for a motorcycle ride).
During those moments... while the clouds were stretched in amazing swirls, I was reminded of how small I am.

It took a sunset to remind me... that no matter how depressing my circumstances are.. no matter how overwhelmed I let myself become... that God is WAY bigger than that.
The obvious.

"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
Mark 9:24

that sounds morbid.
But hey. I'm very excited about starting a ladies night for young widows. I'm aiming to get a bunch of us together for casual girl talk and fun.
So... if you know of any young widows...under the age of 45... let me know.
I'm hoping to have our first get-together in early December.
thanks!