my free moment

I woke up feeling a bit like this today.
This guy got it right. Please take the time to read....
and simply replace the references to hobbits and other weird things with something you can picture :-)

September is just around the corner.
And that means that October is just around the next corner! Which means that fall and Halloween are practically here!

The stores are starting to put out the goods.
My friend and I perused things at the craft stores the other week and it was refreshing.

But today, at Walmart, I actually made an audible *gasp* as I turned a corner and saw the ladies stocking the fall merchandise. It was lovely.

I think I've decided that as soon as I get the motivation to clean up this house... I will get out the Halloween things. I think it's time. :0)

Let the festivities begin!!!

(I'm hoping to take a big group of adults to the corn maze this year! I wanna go at night and have teams race to the finish. sounds like fun, eh? let me know if you are interested!!)

Yesterday was my last free day of summer. I start work on monday. The kids were in school and I didn't have anything on the calendar. My first thought was that I should clean the house. But who wants to stay home and clean when the kids are gone and you're a free woman?!
I decided to hit a noon movie.



I am really drawn to this type of move... It was similar to my favorite, Under the Tuscan Sun.
I get so inspired by these stories.
I would LOVE to be brave enough to pack my bags and hit the road. I would love to travel and see the world. I would love to have a new start at things because I know that the sky is the limit. I want to really LIVE!

And yet I know that my kids are a priority right now. Taking off for an overseas adventure for a year looks like it won't fit in with their school schedule. And since I don't want to miss their childhood, I think I'll stay put for now.
But be aware that while I'm driving the kids to school and making my Walmart run, I'm most likely daydreaming about what the future may hold.

I have a near future plan about visiting Uganda. So we'll see what happens from there....

This is the post you have all been waiting for!

I've cooked dinner every night this week!
Nothing fancy.... but they were meals... that I cooked!!

Rewind.
As many of you know... I have had no desire or motivation to cook since Thayer died. For over two years, the thought of spending time in the kitchen was depressing and dreadful. I would prepare basic foods for us to eat, but we would ultimately eat out alot.
I was amazed to see that Thayer's death severely impacted our eating habits. who would have thought?

So... over two years have passed.
And this week I have cooked! Not only cooked... but I've also baked! I've spent some crazy time in the kitchen. I am on a food preparation high.
I owe alot of this motivation to our new schedule (discussed below). I want to be super intentional at keeping us planted at home in the evenings. That will help alot.

I pray that this new desire will stick! I'm actually looking forward to feeding my kids :-)

Our new school schedule.
Love it.
I think we thrive on routine. And since school has started, I have attempted to keep us on a strict schedule of sorts. And as it turns out... we have a ton of free time!

The kids get home from school shortly after 4pm. At this point, it's FREE time.

Our new dinner time....6:30. The old me would have freaked out about having dinner this late.
I used to think that the perfect wife would have dinner on the table each night when the hubby came home.
But! I recently realized that I'm not perfect... and I'm not a wife.
So the 6:30 deal is working wonders!!! The kids are able to play, play, play, play and then be ready to call it a night when dinner hits. (there is no begging to play outside after dinner!) :)

Secondly... I've initiated a 7pm homework time. Yep... the old me would think that this is absurd. But again.... the kids play, play, play, play and then it's time for business after dinner. The new rule is: if they have "issues" with doing homework at 7, then they will have to do it after school on the next day, missing a chunk of their 'free' time.

The thing that I notice most is that the kids are so happy with all of the free time that they have. Last year it was a struggle to get homework done after school, and then it seemed like I was calling them in for dinner right away, then they would want to go back out. Lots of choppy activities. Being rushed from one to the next. But this year, if things go well... they have over two hours of 'social' time before they are required to have 'mom' time.

So far, so good! I pray that it will continue!

gee. I was going to post about our week so far. I wanted to brag on our new routine and give good reports on the kids. (and I will... eventually).

Things were going really well today. I had lunch with a friend, did some shopping and then did absolutely nothing productive. The kids were in good moods and things seem pretty good.

Bedtime was a little rocky. And after I put the kids to bed, I got that agitated sinking feeling. It mirrored the anxious feelings that used to steal my breath after Thayer died.
I can't explain it fully.
And I certainly can't explain why it creeps up on me after a perfectly fine day.
I don't have anything pressing on my schedule but yet I still managed a little bit of panic.
weird.

I think I can chalk it up to a grief burst. Cause those certainly come when you least expect 'em.
My pity party consisted of thinking to myself that, "no matter what I do, I'm just. not. enough."
Not enough for running this house, not enough for my kids.
Thayer is supposed to be here. This is a two person job.

But as soon as I think, "I'm not enough"... God reminds me that HE is.
Though the reality of His reminder doesn't stop the tears, it takes away the guilt. (It's okay if I'm not a super mom...)
So I pull myself together, fold the sheets, and move on.

Tomorrow is a new day.

I woke up completely intrigued about how our brains work.

Today is the last day of freedom.
Or, as D corrected me... tomorrow will be the first day of freedom... when he gets back to school. :-)
either way... tomorrow is the big day.
We are all ready to get back into our routine. And I'm ready to send them packing in the morning :-) (Except for the fact that I'll have to set an alarm tomorrow)
But instead of organizing school supplies or making sure they have clothes to wear.... I am sitting here amongst piles of laundry, emersed in Netflix, while the kids are spending their last full day of summer in the street.
I'm still debating the evening trip to Walmart for groceries and perhaps the new backpacks they have been asking for.
What am I procrastinating for? I think I'm trying to hold onto my last few hours of summer irresponsibility. Responsible parenting starts tomorrow.
I can do it. I can.

When I start to debate about how to update my kitchen or what type of hardwood floors to install.... things are quickly put back into perspective when I read blogs like this and this.

Today would have been Thayer's 40th birthday.
I can't predict how we would have celebrated. Not sure if I would have thrown a party for him... or if we would have done the regular cake thing with the fam.
We would have certainly teased him about getting older. :)

I wondered if they celebrate birthdays in heaven. L told me that every day would be like birthday celebration... because every day is perfect in heaven.
makes sense.
So... while Thayer was celebrating a perfect day in heaven, we celebrated in our own way.

The boys and I headed out this morning with my sisters, my bro-in-law, and my Dad. We hit the river for a tubing adventure in honor of the day.
(Thayer had always enjoyed tubing)
It was not an ideal day for tubing... (cloudy and rainy)... but we made the most of it as we enjoyed the cooler temperatures. It was D and L's first tubing experience and they had a BLAST! L says that he wants to go again tomorrow :)

This evening, my family gathered at my parent's house to share a meal in memory of Thayer. And the boys set off fireworks with my Dad.
It was a great day.
Thayer would have enjoyed this day. We miss him.

August 16th.
Two years.
what can I say? The reality has certainly sunk in, and settled. Even though in quiet moments I still think to myself, "wow. this is really happening. My husband is dead.... dead.... He's dead."

Last night, after weeks and weeks and weeks of intentionally not thinking on such things, I allowed myself to "go there". I had a great, cleansing cry. I grieved again for the relationship that ended so suddenly. I grieved for a husband and father that was snatched too early. And I grieved for past moments that are mere memories.
I recalled, that after Thayer died I feared the day that I would call him my "late husband" and I cringed at the fact that, just last week, I spoke of "my late husband" during a phone conversation. The Thayer that I was so scared of turning into a "memory" is just that... a memory.
Gosh I miss him.

On a somewhat brighter note.....
After my good cry, I was ready to face August 16th.
To commemorate the day, the boys and I (along with my family) hiked to the spot where we had scattered Thayer's ashes last year. It was a hot, sweaty hike but I was energized by spending time with family and being outdoors.

After our hike, we hit the parkway and visited our favorite swimming hole.
The kids had a blast.

We enjoyed the day... all day.

We returned home briefly and I'll admit that not every moment of the day was peachy-keen. At 5:30pm, I mentioned to D and L that two years ago, at that moment, we were having our last dinner with their Daddy. (Ravioli). I even took some time to look through my 'memory' book, look at the police report and coroners report. Thayer had died at 6:20. (I knew the time well... but the reading the reports kind of brought the reality back to me)














Luckily, for an impromptu dinner, a few of us headed to La Carreta in honor of Thayer. Sure wish he could have been there to order his favorite: Quesadilla Texana. :-)

I returned home all hyped up on caffeine and company. The boys finished their summer packets for school (registration is tomorrow!!), I received a call from my dear brother-in-law, and a friend came over to watch a movie.

Busy with people and fun on this not so cheery day in history.

I am thankful for everyone who made this day bearable.
We were especially blessed today by a semi-flood of cards, emails, and even flowers sent by dear friends who remember this day and recognize the loss that we all feel. I was encouraged by all of the thoughts and prayers enclosed in each little note.

Just returned from visiting the in-laws, minus the husband link. nice but tough.
re-entry is usually difficult but tonight I am overwhelmed!
thrown back into reality with:

-news of kaput AC / signs of a working AC. (thanks parents and Greg!)
-unexplained water in the basement.
-laundry, laundry, laundry.
-piles of mail...... thoughtful cards that made me sad and completely ignorant letter from my father-in-law. (should have waited until tomorrow to open those)
-phone messages that I'm not ready/ wanting to return.
-rotten fruit.
-dead husband.
and I think what put me over the top....
the cat has been sleeping on the couches!! the hair is the proof. Just sickening.

While driving home tonight.... I was fantasizing about moving to a foreign country. I was thinking about my favorite movie, Under the Tuscan Sun.... and I thought about how bold it would be if I moved to another country. I had it all planned out. I'd either move now... with the kids, as long as they had an english speaking school. Or... the second that L graduated I'd pack my bags.
Consider this your fair warning.

I know that the rotten fruit would follow me to any country. And maybe the cat would too. And I know that there would be home maintenance problems in other countries too. But atleast those problems wouldn't be in the house where Thayer is supposed to be fixing things.
Sometimes I just feel like I need a new start.

Luckily... tomorrow is a new day. :-)

It has been said that silence is a virtue.
I woke up this morning... without a voice.
Seriously can't say anything.
It's the most debilitating feeling.
I feel like I'm communicationally handicapped.

('communicationally' should totally be a real word) ;)

Voice and volume are things that hearing/vocal people completely take for granted. When Ursula came and took my voice away last night... I woke up feeling completely helpless, like Ariel.
Speaking in a whisper is irritating and it makes a majority of communication difficult. Conversations are difficult, phone calls are left unanswered and parenting is almost impossible. (I'm resorting to claps and snaps)

Anywho.
On the way home today my quiet thoughts were interrupted by a shrill, horrific scream from the backseat. I had never heard such a scream come from little boys before so I had no idea what to expect as I glanced around to inspect the damage. I saw that both kids were screaming, and sheer terror was on their faces as they tried to maneuver away from a huge hairy spider that was perched on the rear headrest.

Out of my silence I managed to muster up a scream and then attempt to unbuckle L's seat belt so he could move to safety. I peeled into the nearest parking lot and we evacuated the car. All three of us piling out the car and screaming like maniacs was probably a curious sight. Somehow I managed to demand a shoe off one of the kids and I re-entered the vehicle, screaming as I approached the condemned. It took a few hits to still the beast and we were all weary about getting buckled back in... in fear that there would be more.
We made it home unscathed.
But I'm not too sure about my voice. I'm creeped out thinking about the spider screams that I mustered from my silent throat.
We'll see what happens.
As for now... I think my kids are kinda liking this.

I'm kicking back with my favorite beverage thinking about our uneventful day that wasn't.

Yesterday I was under the weather and managed to nap on-and-off for about 5-6 hours, watch 2 movies and catch up on a ton of email. It was yucky to feel sick... but it was refreshing to have a sick day.
Today I woke up feeling fine and ready to have some fun.

We swam this morning and returned home for a free day.... "free" simply meaning that nothing else was written on the calendar for today.
I decided it was a grand day to cut the grass.
The paid yard man that manicures my neighbor's yard...
(nope...not those neighbors... the nice ones on my other side.)
He and I have pretty much been on a Thursday schedule for the past few weeks so I thought I'd get out there and look busy.
BTW, I've been pretty proud of my mowing this summer :)

After sweating for a couple of hours, doesn't everyone feel like taking a shower and then painting? Sure enough I took a shower and then decided to paint the trim in my bathroom. This was odd, seeing how we painted the walls about three years ago and I was going to paint the trim, cabinets and doors "soon".
I'm proud to say that the three year project has been completed!

During my painting frenzy:
-That HUGE thunderstorm hit.
-My kids were missing. (don't worry. they had found shelter) :)
-The AC abruptly stopped working.
-My INTERNET stopped working!!!! (Oh the horror!!)
-my kids showed up. with others. mine were hungry.
-L fixed himself dinner. (egg sandwich)
-D was waiting for other food. (great moms serve spaghetti-Os, right?!)
-Greg T. (my neighbor) and Andy Maddox showed up, from my new favorite company:

(434)-821-6231
I love these guys!


finally... paint brushes were cleaned, kids were showered and we sat to read Dr.Seuss's Sleep Book which happens to be the longest children's book ever published. I'm proud to report that I didn't skip any pages.

(The boys were quite tickled to hear that Thayer used to always skip pages in this book and they never noticed. Thayer was a very gifted Dr. Seuss page skipper.)

Pretty eventful day, I'd say.

I often wonder if Thayer's death has changed me. For better or worse?

For the most part, I still feel just as callous and blunt as before. Maybe I own up to it better these days. I'll be first to admit that I'm a heathen...
aren't we all?

Since Thayer's death, I have come to rely solely on God's Grace and Mercy... and less on pious acts. I think before Thayer's death, I was still living by the "rules"... trying to appease others and trying to win God's favor.
As if That needed to be won.
How silly of me.

I do admit that my perspective on life has changed and that my view of God is bigger, no longer contained in a box.
I know that unexpected things happen, whether we like them to or not. We just have to roll with the punches and have faith that everything will turn out okay in the end.

Lil' story:
The boys and I were at McDonalds the other morning.
They like to order rediculously large breakfast platters.
As I was sorting out the food for them I casually remembered, and mentioned, that Thayer used to arrange the food and cut their pancakes.

Then it hit me!
The old me used to gripe and complain about the excessive amounts of food. It would fluster me to have to 'organize' the food items, butter and cut the pancakes, etc. So Thayer always did it for the boys.
And here I was, the new me.... doing what thayer used to do.. without a single thought of inconvenience.

As I was cutting the pancakes I thought... "wow. I've learned that things could be alot worse than having to cut pancakes." "this is actually quite easy". I've learned to do things without too much complaining because I've learned how trivial most of my complaints could be.


L will sometimes say... "this is horrible! this is the worst day of my life!" and I'll casually say.... "nope, I think the worst day was the day that your Dad died".
That usually puts things into perspective.
(yes, I'm probably giving my kids more material for a future therapist, I know...)

But here I am... imperfect me... just doing what I can.
I'd like to think I'm learning the importance of something. I'd like to say that Thayer's death and my grieving process is molding me into something better... something for a future purpose.
But I dunno.

Check out Comfort Zone Camp on the Today Show...!

We just returned from visiting my brother-in-law, his kids, and his in-laws.
It was a quick weekend trip. Too quick, I think.

I had mixed feelings about going. I was super excited to see Thayer's brother and my nephews and niece... but the excitement is always tinged with the obvious absence of Thayer.

The ride up was tense, as I realized that I had never maneuvered the DC beltway on my own. Thayer had always driven on our previous trips.

I imagined, as I always do, that I would break down and cry as soon as I saw my brother-in-law. I got teary in the car thinking about our mutual loss.
But, like usual, I didn't cry upon arrival. I was just so happy to be there.
We had one full day with the family. And I realized that it wasn't enough. I wished I could have settled in more. Maybe even had some lengthier conversations about Thayer. I should have taken advantage of the fact that this was the one guy who wouldn't mind talking about Thayer, alot.
But time was short.
Maybe next time.

As we headed home today I cranked up my new Andrew Peterson CD and the kids SLEPT for HOURS!! It was amazing.
I always enjoy telling the story of my kids when they were younger: They used to BEG me to play Andrew Peterson music in the car. They would say "Please play Andrew Peterson so we can sleep!"
By golly... it worked today! I didn't DARE think about changing the music selection. I must have listened thru that album about 5-6 times. I love it. And since it works as a sleeping aid for children... I recommend it to everyone! :)

Currently getting settled back in at home. Washing clothes and debating about catching up on my email in-box. I've been backed up for weeks....
so if you're waiting for a reply.... it'll come. at some point. please be patient with me.
;)