my free moment

Recovering from last night's pumpkin party. I took a serious nap this afternoon and am looking forward to some tricks and treats tonight.

I am so proud of my costume this year:













But apparently a twisted sense of humor is common among widows. Here's another gal who had the same idea!

I'm thrilled that I'm not the only one :-) And I think we are pretty cool!

ahhhh.... finally sitting down at 10pm.
At 5pm, I had great plans to put the kids to bed at a decent hour (which is supposed to be 8pm), make my favorite beverage and maybe even watch a sappy movie.

yeah. that was wishful thinking.

Instead, I got into a heavy debate with my oldest about his behavior in school today. He insists that what the substitute teacher perceived as rude... was actually him trying to "follow the rules" and be "honest". I am SO baffled by his reasoning... and I often don't know if he's lying, or if he actually has a twisted view of reality. I'm wondering if a return trip to the counselor in is our future. It's just absurd.

While the oldest was debating moral issues with me, the youngest was doing...
I don't know what he was doing. He has become quite the night owl. At about 9:45 he emerged from his room to show me his loose tooth which he had twisted completely around. He worked for the next few minutes to get it out. He's a persistent little dude. (and I must mention that he has been doing fantastic. It seems like my kids take turns with the crazy cup... and it's his week off.) :)

All the while, I keep thinking how nice it would be to have two parents here. How wonderful it would be to discuss the school incident with another level headed person. Someone else to try to pick Daniel's brain.
Instead, I unload my thoughts in an email to the teachers. Gee.... I'm sure that they'll appreciate getting that in the morning.
It would be great to have another male in the house who could talk the Boy language.
They are such interesting creatures.
and I'm at such a loss.

tomorrow is a new day....

This link was shared on Facebook today.
I got a kick out of it.
It's totally true. Especially for new widows. I wouldn't say these definitions are accurate for where I am now.
Well. probably not. maybe not. most days, not.

I'm usually happy to tell people that I'm pretty content these days.
I had rattled the "content" speech off to one of my widow friends several months ago. And then I had to go back and apologize to her... for lying. Turns out that a few days after our conversation... I cried and cried about being lonely.

It's up and down. That's the norm. That's how I'm doing.
But overall... okay. :)


(weird. random post. again. ;p)

Several days ago, I read this blog. I was impressed with how she explained the fluctuation of thoughts in such a simple moment. I know that everyone thinks alot, about alot of stuff. But I think that something has to be said for people who have suffered a severe loss and are learning to carry that loss with them into their new lives. I think that other widows would totally agree that our thoughts fly all over the place. And it happens ALL day long. That might explain why I seem so ditzy sometimes. ;)

I thought it would be fun to recap the thoughts I managed to have on my short ride home tonight from my sister's house.
Try to stay with me... i think it would be easy to get lost:

I pulled out of the driveway.
It's particularly bright tonight. Yep. It's a full moon. I remember the night that Thayer died. Full moons always remind me. I remember the time that I was driving home from a movie, and was super excited to tell Thayer about it.... until I remembered that he was dead. That sucked.
I get that sinking feeling and start to tear up.
I'd hate to cry and wreck my car in the process. I don't think I see that well at night and the tears might blur my vision. I miss him. I conjure up mental pictures of Thayer. How I miss his smile... and his hands, and his waist. Wish I could hug him.
I would like to hug (friend A), but that would be awkward for us both. I would just like a hug.
(acquantance B) is out of town.
My feet are cold. I remember warming my cold feet on Thayer's feet and legs. I'll need to take a hot bath tonight. I've started the ritual again. Every night, hot bath to warm my feet. Thayer used to do that too.
Can't wait to get under my feathers. I love my feather blanket and my new pillow. Ahhh... I'm going to sleep late tomorrow. I should blog. That was random. I should blog about how random I am. First... take a bath. Crap. I forgot to feed the cat his dinner. He'll be hungry. I'll Feed cat. Take a bath. Blog under my feathers. I love my feathers. :-)


(holy cow. I just realized that was the stupidest blog post I have ever written. I am completely random... and that other girl made alot more sense with her thoughts. Anywho. that's a typical few minutes in my head. And that says a little too much about how shallow I am. I feel really blonde) :)

As many of you have heard, I will be traveling to Uganda with a group from Mission Link International early next year. I am super excited about this adventure and I'm curious to find out how God is going to work in and around me.

Even though this is a 'mission trip'... I'm technically not sure what my 'mission' will be.
The trip is a medical/evangelism/construction trip.
When another team member asked if I had a medical background... my reply was, "No, I'm a widow".
ha. Can I claim that as a skill?
I'm supposing that I can be the cute one who passes out pills or something :)
But no worries. I have been informed that I'll have PLENTY to do.
I'm hoping to get a feel for the Ugandan widows and catch onto the vision of Widows United.

I seriously wouldn't say that I have been "called" to do this. Because that term sounds so churchy :p
But I know that I have an amazing confidence in my decision to go. Something SO out of my box... yet I have complete peace and excitement about heading across the world. I can only accredit God for the anticipation that I feel. I feel that He has arranged this and planned for this all along...
(weird, and sad to think about, i know.)
Two years ago.. I would have never in a million years thought I'd be planning such a trip. Or even have such a desire.
This is just another step along my journey and I'm anxious to see what's next.

I had a revelation the other day. My sister didn't seem too impressed but I'll share it anyway :)
I remembered that there are several songs that have become my prayer over the last few years. They have stuck with me... and I have prayed for God to open my eyes to something bigger than myself.
It occurred to me that this Uganda trip might be one of his answers!
Guess we should be careful what we pray for :)

Familiarity" keeps popping in my head this week. Familiarity is a great thing! It empowers us, it makes us feel 'at home' with our surroundings. It's comfortable.

*The content familiarity of eating at Jersey Mikes with the kids. I fondly remember Sunday lunches with Thayer at Jersey Mikes. Every Sunday...it was our family tradition when we lived in C-ville. The simple act of filling my cup with Pepsi awakens the familiarity of times with Thayer... and our intact family.

*The aching familiarity of cleaning our basement family room. I avoid that room like the plague. The time between spider vacuuming seems lengthy. And it's a challenge to dust off the family photos on the mantle... but I am always so happy to get it done.

*The growing familiarity of establishing a habit. When I started walking, daily, over a month ago, I had to really carve out time and make myself get out there. Now... I find it frustrating if I have to miss a day. I've become happily familiar with my "me" time.

The more I think about it...'familiarity' is what establishes our routines, our plans. It borders our comfort zone. It's safe. Familiarity gives us that 'warm feeling' of belonging.
And it might also line the walls of our box.

As many of you know by now, I'll be traveling to Uganda in February. And there is NOTHING familiar about this trip. I'll be traveling with a group of strangers across the globe. I'll be far away from everyone and everything that is familiar. I'm pushing myself into the unfamiliar... and I am SUPER excited!!! I'm realizing that my 'box' doesn't have to be as small as I've allowed it to be. Can't wait to bust out of the box and see what happens :)

Side note: The cat pictured above is NOT Mr. Q.
Mr. Q wants to make it known that he strongly disapproves of the above image.
I, on the otherhand, think that Mr. Q is a snob, and he's very difficult to work with.
;)

I am thrilled to have officially started my fall activities :o)
Tonight we headed to the corn maze.
We enjoyed lots of laughter... enough for some of us to pee "just a little" in our pants. (proud to say that it wasn't me.)

I think I've accumulated enough 'inside jokes' to last me quite a while.

So... if you were one of the gazillion people who missed the evening... please don't ask for explanations. You shoulda been there ;)

To start the evening, we stopped at Huddle House for a sexual meal.
It was my first time.
Then we headed to acorn maze.

(Hold on...where the heck is Greg?!?! He WAS there! Don't let him tell you otherwise.)
Come to think of it.... I don't think Greg wanted to stand in the idiot corner. I can't blame him.

Casey tore into the maze like a pro. Until his discovery that "number nine isn't here! Somebody stole number 9!"
(that's right folks. we weren't lost... someone had just moved the scarecrow.) ;)

oh wait... there it is :)


And when attempting to help other groups exit the maze, Casey confidently explains that they need to "follow Jupiter".

yeah....
I only recall one teenager asking if we were on drugs.

I had a great night! Thanks to those who helped me celebrate the season! :-)