my free moment

I've been entirely too busy watching Netflix in my spare time.   Today I told a friend that once I'm finished with the Veronica Mars series that I might actually have to read a book.   I haven't picked up a book in months.  I've had intentions to read.... but not really.  well, really... not at all.

To my surprise the cutsie UPS man dropped off a package from Amazon.com today.  It was a book that I ordered months ago, that was just recently released.  
Two Kisses For Maddy by Matt Logelin.  
Matt is a contributing author on a widow blog that I read daily.  He also has his own blog and there is a foundation which holds his wife's name... but I haven't dug too deeply yet.

Now this will be a book I will read.   I seem drawn to personal stories of life and death,  heartbreak and joy.  Perhaps because I can relate... and perhaps because I am encouraged to see how others have  muddled their way through tragedy and have survived to tell the tale.

I've read the first three chapters already.  And I was thrilled to see that the first sentence in the forward reads, "I am not a writer".  I love it when ordinary people, who experience the unimaginable are able to express themselves through writing.   
I always felt contentment when I could express myself through my blog, better than I could vocalize. 
And therefore, I'm excited that this dude could write a book and let us into his world, if only for a brief moment.  I know that his story is powerful... and I'm anxious to see how he shares it.

anywho.  off to watch some Netflix... and maybe read a bit afterward ;)

I miss blogging.    I did it so frequently while I was in Africa.  I feel like I had so much to say.

Yet here I am.... recovering from a weekend of nothingness.   I watched Netflix and napped.   I felt like I was enjoying some type of guilty pleasure.   It was marvelous.

The house had been cleaned because I had some friends over on Friday night.   
My laziness was enabled because chores had already been done, Aunt Flo came to visit and brought my cousin Al along (Allergies) ;)   The two of them made my couch look pretty nifty for a day or two.   I was content in my environment and happy to have some free time.

Today, as I slapped myself back to life, I noticed that it took less than 8 hours for everything to fall apart again.  The clutter has accumulated in the kitchen, there is folded laundry on the couch.  (notice that it has atleast been folded!)  
Apparently you have to keep on top of the chores in order for things to remain tidy.  huh.

It always goes back to my environment.  Always.

We went skating tonight and I had a few alone moments where I thought about Thayer.    Wondering how things would be if he were still here. 

Wonder what my environment would be like if he were still here?  I wonder if he would have taken care of the ants that I massacred in Lucas' room tonight?  ick.

And I'm wondering why I'm typing out all of these random thoughts when I should be going to bed.  
I've been making a habit of late nights and early mornings.
Only 8 more weeks left of school. 
Then I can make a habit of late nights and late mornings.  That sounds way cooler :)

night night!

I probably should have stopped and spoken to her.

I saw her on the corner yesterday.   She was young.  She was holding a sign that explained her situation.
 homeless, broke, just left her husband.
There was more... I remember it was kind and tactful.   But I couldn't get past the part about being homeless and husband-less.

My first thought was 'wow... I've never seen a chick with a sign like that.... I wonder if she is legit'.
I wondered if she was just hoping to get some cash for drugs or alcohol.  
Then I felt shameful for judging so quickly.
I didn't know her situation.    What if her sign was truthful?   What if she really needed help?

I thought about what events would actually put a person in the position of writing for help on a piece of cardboard ,and standing on a street corner.      What was she feeling as she stood there... knowing that people like me would drive by... judging her?   I can imagine that it was humiliating.

I had, for a brief second, the thought of stopping to hear her story.   But my selfishness overruled and I drove by. 
Not my finest moment, for sure.

Then I wondered if I could ever be in the same predicament.
What if I were unable to pay the bills after thayer died?  What if I lost my home?  What if I didn't have family in town?   
I have been beyond blessed through all of my circumstances.... but what if things had turned out differently?  Could that be me on the street corner?

Even today, the thought of her bothers me.
I keep wondering what set of choices she made to end up on a street corner.

Thayer always used to preach about how situations come about because of the choices that are made.    His father is in prison...not necessarily because he committed the crime...but because he made a series of poor choices that ultimately put him in a crappy situation.

I like to tell my kids that they need to make good choices.  And I've explained to them about being 'guilty by association'.   Who you choose to hang out with... matters.     The actions that you take... matter.  The choices you make... matter.

So... back to the girl.   I'm doubting that she ended up on that corner in a jiffy.    I would think it was a snowball of choices that dropped her off at that spot.

But doesn't she deserve another chance?  or would she blow it again?
The judgemental me thinks that she should have planned ahead and gotten a job or something before she left her husband. 
(but what if he was abusive and she had to leave quickly?)  
Aren't there battered women's shelters to run to?
Could she have been applying for jobs instead of begging on the corner?  
(Or are homeless people unable to apply for jobs because they don't have an address?) hmmm... good question.
What about the homeless shelter?  What about the soup kitchen?  Aren't there resources for people who are down and out?

yeah.   Me?   What could I have done?

I probably should have stopped and spoken to her.

My eldest started baseball today.   First time. ever. Initially, I was freaked out by the practice times.... like practices starting on school nights when my kids are usually going to bed.  That's just ridiculous.

Today's practice started at 5:30pm.   (This was after I picked up the boys from school at 5pm.... and after a school day that started at 7:40am.   Thursdays are packed full of fun stuff and I'm hoping that they can handle the activities of an over packed day.)

Daniel is very excited about playing.  He is on a team with two of his friends... and the others look like cool kids as well.   I'm hoping he will form neat friendships this season.

The idea of baseball started to grow on me as I watched them practice.   The coaches seem to be good guys and I know that Daniel will benefit from the maleness of it all.    He seemed to be enjoying himself and I'm sure that he will catch on quickly.  From what I witnessed... he did pretty well for his first day.  I am super proud :)

Our family friend, Patrick, (whose son is on the team), helped out with the practice today and spent some time tossing the ball with Daniel.   I was thankful that Patrick was there :-)  

And I only cried a little as I watched the two of them.... and got that sinking feeling that "Thayer should be here". 
I wasn't expecting to cry in the bleachers... and I think my sunglasses blocked the other people from noticing.  
I pulled myself together for fear of being known as 'that mom who was crying on the first day of practice'.
I can't be a flake now.   This baseball stuff seems pretty serious.

Practice was over at 7:30pm and the boys only cried briefly, out of exhaustion, on the way home.   I had the calm mother talk about.... "yeah, it's late and you're tired... but you've got to hold it together...."
We were home by 8pm with Burgers provided by the King.   Showers and homework quickly followed.  

I'm banking on the thought that we'll get used to the schedule... and that Daniel will have a blast :-)

We've had random ants in the bathroom for a few weeks now. As you may recall, I have a complete and utter hatred, and hyperactive  mild phobia, of ants.
I have considered myself brave... because I have simply been squishing and flushing. I keep telling myself that I am bigger than the ants and that I will win.

But secretly, I feel the terror creeping in as I contemplate the thought that my house is probably invaded with ants. I can imagine them, millions of them.... living in the foundation of the house. I'm pretty sure that the largest colony of ants, in the city, has taken up residence within my walls.... and they are ready to flow out of the cracks and crevices at any moment.
yep. pretty sure of it.


Therefore... I think... before spring officially hits... I might actually call an exterminator. I can't let my spring and summer be ruined by the thoughts of the colony and their attack plan.

I am bigger. and I will win.

It just really hit me! I am going away for the weekend!
I'll be going to a 'scrapbooking' retreat at the beach... today!
I'll need to make it through a few hours at work and then my sis and I will hit the road.

I love road trips!!

I know that you must be thinking.... "Jill is a punk. She just got back from Africa, and she's taking another vacation?!"
I know, it's absurd. But in reality, Africa wasn't an actual 'vacation'. And the more I think about it... I am SUPER excited to have a weekend away to do absolutely nothing! No stress and no schedule. super cool.

I plan to get my Uganda scrapbook done and sent away for printing. (I do digital books now) :)
I also plan to continue the 'Twilight' marathon that we started at the fall retreat. I'm looking forward to mindless entertainment.
And I'm looking forward to hanging out and catching up with some of the girls.

I've got my iPod stocked and ready if I decide to get off of the couch and walk the beach.

ahhhh... I can almost taste the salt air :D

I just had an amazing day with my friends in C-ville. (well technically R-ville...)
We went up to celebrate Stephen's 40th birthday. We were fortunate to be invited to lunch with their family and then we attended a Chili Cookoff that they were hosting for an ABRO fundraiser.
I love spending time with these folks!

I hadn't thought about it beforehand... but was pleasantly surprised to see tons of familiar faces at the ABRO event. Many of the folks from our C-ville church were involved with the events... and even Kent, who traveled to Uganda with me, was there!

So... the C-ville church people.
I may have seen some of them when I visited the church sometime after Thayer's death. And I probably saw a handful of them at Thayer's memorial service. But otherwise... these were people who I haven't seen since before Thayer's death. I was laying eyes on people who knew Thayer. Who had spent time with him. People who knew us 'back in the day'.
And it feels like a lifetime ago. A different life, a different time.
It's hard to imagine what life used to be like.
And when I start to think about that life, I mourn. again.
Mostly for my boys... because I remember things used to be much happier for them. stable. predictable.

My moments of grief remind me that I'm ultimately just a mess. But a mess that has been drenched by God's Grace.
And I'm still clinging to His promise of a future.

Spring has started to spring. Atleast in my head.

I took a walk today... for the first time in a zillion days. I started to feel the hibernation sloughing off.
I need to get back into the habit of walking. I need to regain some movement and balance so I don't curse at myself in kickboxing class.
I need to think about dropping all of the pounds that accumulated and settled in for the winter.
(Well... before winter... but who's keeping track?)

I came home and decided it would be a good idea to take the Christmas wreath off of the front door. (i know, i know...it's shameful.)
I also put away the few winter and valentine decorations that I had out.

The other day, I was bantering with a co-worker about the fact that she was switching out her decorations and seasonal dishes.
I can vaguely recall a time when I was organized enough to have 'seasonal' items and decorations.
After Thayer died, I think I became a minimalist in the area of home decor. I am not much for clutter and I only have one shelf in my kitchen to display the few holiday knick knacks that I've kept.
The shelf is empty right now because I think it's too early to dig out the Easter stuff.

all of that to say... I'm switching to spring.
I want to get organized and active. The Christmas wreath is put away and I'm ready for a change.
:-)